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Grieving

Ashley - posted on 02/13/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

59

7

At the beginning of Jan I lost my grandfather. My grandfather was the only man in my family that truly respected my fiance. I began to lose respect for my father once I started growing up and seeing how he would put the potiential to make money before his family. My father begged me not to go away to college and guilt tripped me into staying home. He said he needed me to stay home and take care of him even though he was never home. At the age of 10 I began cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my family, even though my mother was in the picture. Do I love to cook? Yes. Did I want to be expected to do it every night even though it became my chore instead of a once or twice a week thing? No. There are a lot of issues my father and I have. One of them being just today, (well yesterday I havnt been to bed yet). He crossed the line. Wouldnt let me leave after I got my final check, and attacked my fiance. I'm not saying I am not without my own issues, God knows I am struggling hard with my grandfathers loss. What I am saying is my father crosses the line that I established to keep my sanity and to keep my relationship with my father. I miss the way I thought my father was. And I really miss my grandfather. I dont know how to grieve the loss of my grandfather. My heart is broken. I dont know how to function properly. I know I have to be strong to take care of my family, meaning my son and fiance. However I am really lacking the motivation to do anything anymore. My grandfather was my best friend. I didnt see him nearly as much as I should have. I didnt have the finances to see him as often as I needed. Thats why phones are great. With me loosing my best friend and my father acting as a 16 year old who got his girl stolen from him, I am really heartbroken and have no clue where to begin. My fiance wants me to go back to school and do something just for me. That seems selfish and I dont know where to begin. Any advice would be great!

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2 Comments

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Meadow - posted on 02/13/2010

49

0

I lost my mother in August to cancer. She was one of my best friends, helped me rasie my daughter when I was single. So she was like a parental figure too. and my mom.
Your in a hard state of grief. And it's not easy, if you can call your local Hospice and see if they have a grief couselor you can talk too. I also go to a therapist and take anit-depressants. Which I have never had to do before. But realizing you need help is a good start. Try to get together with your other half and sit down and have a good talk, let him know what's going on. You need help, and so does your son, mom needs to be there. But depending on ythe age of y our son, you might be able to tell him, mommies going through a hard time, but she will get better and always love you. There are also times, I hand the baby off to my husband and go hae a good cry. And I do. It's been seven months, and yes, it is finally getting easier. But I had days when I wrote on my mirror to make sure I got up, feed the baby and got us changed. It was that hard at times.
On y our dad, I think you need to put your foot down and get out. You need to your own family first, and it's not your job to take care of him. It sounds like he needs help from a professional more than you. You can call your local Human Services, ask for the Senior Adult services or whatever they call it that your area, and explain what is going on. See if you can get help.

Iridescent - posted on 02/13/2010

4,519

272

It sounds like you need a couple things. Do you still live with your father? If so, it's past time to move. If he attacked you, he's not going to change his behavior, and it will likely only escalate until you do. It was similar with my mother to me. After moving she left me alone, but if she wouldn't have I would have gotten a restraining order to make it clear that attacks will not be permitted. It killed me to have to do it, but it made my life much better.



Next, you're an adult supporting a child and have a fiance. All this means it is time for you to do something for your family, not your father. He knows it, I'm sure, and doesn't like it or care. He is the one being selfish and he'll have to deal with that on his own. If you want a career that requires school, then do it now rather than later. If you don't know what you want to do yet, you can either take generals for a year or two or wait to start school, but school is the best thing for you and your family. You will never regret education.



As far as the depression from the loss of your grandfather, you realize what the situation is, you know he is gone. It takes a long time. It will hit fresh every so often every day for a while, then one day you'll realize it's been a week since it hit. If it's more than you can bear, get help and see a psychologist. It is hard.

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