Handling change in a family dynamics

Felisha - posted on 02/20/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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A change

Sometimes things change within a family. Parents’ may go through a divorce, maybe there is a death or some sort of separation within the family. As parents we may not be aware of the effect it is having on our children. We expect them to adjust and deal with the new way of life with ease. Why? Well, maybe because we think we are or maybe because we said so. Children are resilient but they need adjusting time and talks as well. Children need time to process the changes with a new family structure. Often times parents who may not be dealing with their own issues of anger, frustration or betrayal from the change they tend to use the children as a pawn. The parent may unknowingly or carelessly place the children in the middle of the animosity between each other. These actions cause serious harm to children and are very likely to have long term effects on a child.


It’s only natural for children to wish for “the way it used to be”. Children have feelings of desertion, separation issue, anger and sadness to name a few. Maybe they will feel unloved and blame themselves for whatever issue is happening within the family. The hardest part is helping the children adjust as well as helping oneself.


I recently “inherited” 3 additional children on top of the two I already have. Modifying, adjusting, altering to the new changes was what appeared to be easy at first. As time went on it became tiresome. I began to experience late nights and early mornings and not the enjoyable kinds either. There were more mouths to feed and their bellies seemed bottomless, more laundry to do and the house became messier faster. How was one to keep up with these daily chores? Not to mention the emotional strain to try and maintain a happy positive disposition when at times all you wanted to do was sleep.


I tried to implement the new kids into the already established family structure I have within my home but of course they are used to what they know. Emotions come into play tempers build tears fall and all I can ask myself is “Can is can I blame them? No. change is not always easy but love is. And that’s what you do. You love each one individually because they are each their own person with their own wants needs and desires. And you love them as a whole because we are family living under one roof making the best of a bad situation. I talk and talk and talk some more. I’m surprised I haven’t lost my voice yet. I have turned into a loving drill Sargent giving out hugs and kisses and orders. I began to delegate chores to each child removing some of the burden from myself. There is a lot of turn taking and sharing going on. We have cooking lessons on weekends usually during brunch because I refuse to wake up super early if I do not have to. The children can wait a few extra hours and have a bigger meal later. There is an order when it comes to using the bathroom in the morning before school and at night before bed. It helps avoid the pile up that can happen when brushing teeth and it assures everyone gets clean each day.


Naturally you have your challenges and refusal to do things but hey that’s why they invented punishments. No video games, no TV, no extra treats or whatever other clever way I can deprive them of their “needs” in order to get them to do what they are supposed to do. I say “DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO SO YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!”


Over all I can say the biggest challenge I have experienced throughout this entire ordeal is lack of sleep!!! Hey it’s a small price to pay to when making sure I have a group of emotionally balanced kids.

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Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

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I read your post. I think it's wonderful that you are showing love, care, and compassion for children you "inherited".

It would also be wonderful if you could show some love, care, and compassion for others who post their opinions that you disagree with. You personally attacked Holly with a huge lack of compassion, lack of care, and lack of love while you preached about being a loving person. Stop judging others and take a good look at yourself. Those who brag about the great qualities they have tend to be the ones who lack those qualities.

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Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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If I place the words "In my opinion" would it make you feel better?
Would it make you happy if I continue to feed into your judgements, assumptions and criticism?

In my opinion based off of what holly wrote. If I were a man I would not date her.
In my opinion based off of what holly wrote she would show favoritism.
In my opinion based off of what holly wrote she seems/appears to be selfish.
In my opinion based off of what holly wrote the jada pinkett smith letter came to mind and I felt it was appropriate to share. Since she missed the point about my post and started talking about being a step mom with conditions to her love for her step children.
Why do I feel this way. Welp, go read what holly wrote again. I am entitled to my opinion as you are you.

Have a great day.

Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

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Ok, Felisha. What point did I miss once again? I wasn't going to post anything about this, but, it is hard not to when you are having trouble reading. I agree with your original post about loving your family and kids, etc. But, you attacked Holly while you were preaching love and compassion. That is hypocritical - especially since you want to bring up God. That was all I was trying to say to you.

By the way, we are all highly favored. But, I'm not sure blessings come to those who use His name for their own agenda.

Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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Lakota,

Thank You for all your insight and words on this post. Unfortunately once again you have missed the point. Again I agree to disagree. I am blessed and highly favored but a few extra blessings will never hurt. Thank you. Glory be to God!

Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

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Felisha, some of those words were yours. The words you copied from Jada were used in a way to be insulting. That you meant to do. You can't deny that. Blessings for your family.

Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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Lakota,


I can see where you fell like I attacked Holly. That was actually a quote by Jada Pinkett Smith please do check it out. It is a very good read.

http://www.bet.com/news/lifestyle/2013/0...

So, those words weren't mine. This sounded like it applied to what Holly was talking about so i shared it with her. I personally wasn't calling her names.

Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

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Actually, I agree with you Felisha about parenting other children that aren't biologically mine. I don't agree with the personal attacks toward Holly just because she posted her opinion and you disagreed with it. She didn't attack you or post anything that was negative about you. You did that.

Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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Once again, my INITIAL post was about adaptation to change. Not what Holly wrote about.

Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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I agree to disagree with both of you ladies. Lakota i think you should take your own advise on judgement. I wonder what I should be compassionate towards. Can you please point out where i need more compassion... Holly states "If for some reason my husband dies or is in jail. that child is no longer my responsibility. the child goes back to the mother's home. she has a mother... she does not need 2. As a stepmother it is not my responsiblity to wake up at 5am with the kids. if the child hungry the father needs to get up and feed them. I may choose to, out of love for my husband, but it is not required. this is his child from his past mistake." am i supposed to be compassionate towards that type of thinking? are you? she also stated "you do not HAVE to drop kids off at school, wake up at the crack of dawn, make extravagant breakfasts... this you do not have to do... you didn't make the mistake so many years ago, and you do not have to carry the burden, this is the parent's job." Do you agree with that? When you date a man with children and decide that you love him, there should be no conditions on your love. Should she act lovingly whenever its convenient for her? Someone please elaborate for me. Holly or Lakota. Thank you

Felisha - posted on 02/22/2013

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My post is about change in a families dynamics and how I am coping and dealing with them. Not who dislikes their step children the most.

My post is about the love, care and compasion amoung other things that I am supplying these children with to help them be the best they can be mentally, emotionally and physically.

My post is about the challenges met with creating a blended family and how I am best dealing with them by being fair, stern, and loving.

I believe you missed the point of my post you should re-read it.

Holly - posted on 02/21/2013

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I am just stating what i am, i couldn't understand where you were coming from in your post. I was trying to answer a extremely vague question to the best of my abilities. I agree that step parents are great additions to a family. but they shouldn't bare the burden of raising another person's child when they don't get sleep that is needed to function adequately. the parents need to fill majority of the roles. step parents are there to step in when needed. you don't NEED to wake up at 5am just because the father is too tired... this is part of being a parent... the parent's need to step up. a step parent can take the kinder roles such as art projects and make overs... you can play cowboys and Indians... you can give cuddles and hugs, you can bandage knees and kiss boo boos, but you do not HAVE to drop kids off at school, wake up at the crack of dawn, make extravagant breakfasts... this you do not have to do... you didn't make the mistake so many years ago, and you do not have to carry the burden, this is the parent's job.

Felisha - posted on 02/21/2013

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Holly,

Your responce seems to be purly off assumptions. I've never made the statement that im a step mom or even referenced that for that matter. That's not the situation im involved in. I completely understand your view points on step-parenthood. I personally believe that it takes a village to raise a child and the more willing capable adults a child has in their life the better off they are in the long run. Step mothers, fathers and significantly older siblings are a great addition to a childs life.

Holly - posted on 02/21/2013

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I see, I am a firm beleiver in trying to keep kids emotionally intact. But at the same time if a step parent over steps and steps on the other parent's toes, you get into dicey situations... I am a stepmother. My stepdaughter has a mother and a father. If for some reason my husband dies or is in jail. that child is no longer my responsibility. the child goes back to the mother's home. she has a mother... she does not need 2. As a stepmother it is not my responsiblity to wake up at 5am with the kids. if the child hungry the father needs to get up and feed them. I may choose to, out of love for my husband, but it is not required. this is his child from his past mistake.

Felisha - posted on 02/21/2013

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Hello Holly,
Thank you for responding. Where's Dad you ask? Well, there are multiple possibilities. Dad could have passed away. Dad could be in the service overseas protecting our country. Dad could be ill and bed ridden. That's the whole reason behind my post. Adapting to change. How I accommodate to changes within the family and how to guide the children through them as well. Dad could have been one of those changes that we're forced to adapt to. Once again thank you for your feedback and i hope to hear your opinion on future postings :)

Holly - posted on 02/20/2013

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why isn't daddy getting up with them? why isn't their father doing anything to help?

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