Has anyone tried controlled crying, If so does it work? And how long did you leave the baby to cry?

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Allison - posted on 04/05/2009

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It works very well...but at the cost of teaching your baby that you are not one who can be trusted and you won't come to them when they need you. Not to mention, it's not a one-time deal...as children grow and change, you end up having to do it again and again. Some research shows that parents who use a cry-it-out method become less in-tune to their children and are less likely to hear them crying and respond appropriately to it. Also, when kids are left to cry alone, their stress hormones (cortisol, I think) are very high, which isn't good for brain development (and shows that controlled crying is very hard on a little one). When babies cry but are held and comforted, even when they continue to cry, the stress hormones are not raised - this shows how much they do need us to help them. Remember they are little people who have no coping skills - we much help them to develop them, not leave them alone for them to fend for themselves, even for 5 minutes.

You might find some good information on how to help your baby sleep without resorting to abandonment (i.e. Cry-It-Out) by checking out Elizabeth Pantley's book The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Jay Gordons' Good Nights, and Dr. Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby On the Block (book or video).

I honestly believe that supporting sleep in a loving and respectful way for the first 2 years or so (until they are developmentally ready to sleep alone and have some self-soothing skills that have been developed and practiced during the day as well) is really only a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things of both your life and their life. Dr. Sears refers to this at Nighttime Parenting, and it is a lot of work, but I feel it leads to healthy sleep habits that are lifelong.

Marina - posted on 04/07/2009

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Listen to yourselves!!!! Crying only helps clear the lungs AT BIRTH when the baby has been in amniotic fluid! (Dawn) You think your baby WANTS to cry (shannon) Crying is the way babies tell you they are uncomfortable, they don't do it for fun!!!! Yes it takes about three days for a child to change his routine of crying (angela) but this is only because he has finally figured out that no matter what he does you will not help him through his hard times. Is this what you want your child to think of you? If you were sad, lonely, uncomfortable, hungry, sick or just wanted to be around a familiar face and your closest friend told you they wouldn't come to you and you should just lay there feeling upset how would you feel. This is the message you are giving your sweet, impressionable children: I refuse to care for you even though you are screaming for help! Cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Josie - posted on 04/07/2009

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Quoting Allison:



Quoting Melissa:

yes Amanda they do cry for a reason usually attention but if u always give them attention it teaches them that as soon as they cry they are going to get picked up. there has to be a cut off point especially for a kid who is one now (my daughter)





Wow - yeah, I guess you wouldn't want to teach your child to trust you. Might as well kick her out of the house by the time she is 2...she should be independent enough at that age. And if she's not...once she's out of the house it's sink or swim, Baby! 






Really, truly, Melissa, do you remember being a child? Probably not one that young, of course, but maybe at 3 or 4 or 5? I enjoyed cuddling with my parents and sometimes I just needed reassurance, or a hug, or just to feel safe. Children don't understand how the world works and they don't have coping skills to deal with the things they don't understand.  With support, reassurance, love, and respect, children start to gain skills to cope with the world. They need us, as parents, to help them through that...and not just as a baby or toddler or preschooler, but also as teen agers and young adults. 






I think it's very important for young children to know you are always there for them and that they *can* get attention when they need it (note...Need is different than Want, and I think children under 5 often *need* attention). I understand that sometimes we are busy...and as your child gets a bit older (she still tiny, you know) you can increase her wait times, by saying "Give me a minute" or "Mommy needs to finish this and I'll be with you right after." Doing it slowly and gradually is helpful for children as it allows them to build new skills - you wouldn't expect an airplane pilot to fly the plane on his first flight: instead, they learn skills first in the classroom, then they have practice runs with their instructors focusing on different smaller skills and knowledge until they are comfortable, then they have their first flight alone putting it all together. It the same with children - they learn over time, though repetition and practice, going at their own speed. By pushing her away from you, smacking her when she wants to be near you, and generally not respecting her feelings of needing you, you're really missing out on the ability to teach her the skills she needs to cope with the world.






I think all this ties into using the cry-it-out approach as well - by ignoring our children when they cry (and remember, nighttime is a scary, uncertain time for children) we're pushing them away or trying to get them to do something that they just don't have all the skills for. It's a jump off the cliff - all of a sudden mom and dad aren't there for me so I have to either learn how to do this before I'm ready, or I'm going to be very miserable. Not exactly how I want my children to learn. I know many cry-it-out approaches suggest you check on baby every minute or every 5 minutes to "reassure" them, but can babies tell time? Does a minute feel like an hour when you're suffering alone? How can they understand you'll be back in a few minutes?





Is it just me or is it scary how few women know of the staggering and very up to date volume of research that shows how damaging ignoring childrens cries can be. Babies don't seek attention for the sake of attention because they haven't developed the ability to empathise and cannot therefore recognise other peoples will or choice. They ask for attention because they have a need for it.



HAsn't anyone read the Romanian orphanage findings where babies who's physical needs (ie nappy clean, fed, right temperature) were met, but these babies were dying. Healthy babies withering to nothing because no one held them when they cried. These babies stopped calling at night as well. They learnt that no one came and that the world was not to be trusted, but they were subjected to extreme attention depravation and it was killing them. When love and physical attention was introduced , those who benifitted thrived again.



Speak to proffesional psychologists in possesion of current research findings which have shown that if babies needs are not met, including the need for attention and security, the neural pathways that deal with this type of love and trust actually wither away permanantly. Letting your baby cry can actually permanantly alter the physical structure of your childs brain.



Please dont think that your babies are capable of either attention seeking for no reason, or manipulation. They are just not physically and psychologically capable of it for years. Applying adult emotions and will to a babies behaviour is incorrect, arrogant and damaging, and I cry for all these tiny helpless babies crying alone.



Your babies will sleep through when they are developmentally ready, not when you are.



Thank you Allison for being a voice of reason in a thought wilderness.

Morag - posted on 04/07/2009

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My eldest is 10 this year and it only seems like yesterday that she was a tiny baby in my arms, wanting mommy cuddles. Now her Nintendo DS and her best friends and school work take up all her time, and in less time that its taken to get here, she will be leaving home. My baby all grown up. Please take this time to hold your babies, cuddle them, be with them. Appreciate every moment you have, because you will turn around tomorrow and they will be telling you you are embarrassing or boring or they hate you and those lovely cuddles that your toddlers hand out freely now are a thing of rarity. I wish I'd had more.

My youngest is 14 months, and I am loving every cuddle I have with her because I know they are limited and golden. I also remember having the most terrifying nightmares as a kid, and know that when she wakes screaming that all she wants is a cuddle to chase the monsters away and that I stay making sure they don't come back, thats my job, mummy, monster killer ;). She also wakes up crying when teething, and I remember how horrifically painful my wisdom teeth were coming in and I'd never wish that pain on my enemy, and I can see why she just wants a mummy cuddle...mummy cuddles/kisses are magic you know, we make the pain better :) .

We do do a controlled crying of sorts, so I'm not against it, but only when she does her 3am in the morning, can we play now, giggling chatting thing and nothing will settle her not even a cuddle and milky, but never before she was 10 months old. We put her in her cot and sit by her, holding her hand... Eventually she goes to sleep, not without a few tears, some bed jumping and soft chatting to me before she drops off, but I am always by her side, shes never alone and she knows that. I have tried the going out and in, but tbh with my youngest, it just makes her hysterical so we sit beside her. A baby crying hysterically imo must do some harm, no one should ever have to cry like that, not to the point of being sick. But to do CIO/CC at under 4 months just seems cruel imo. They don't understand at that age. They've just spent the past nine months spending every moment beside you, hearing your voice, your heartbeat, protected loved warm. They have never felt hunger or cold and in a matter of hours they are flung out into a cold, noisy, lonely world and we expect them just to get on with that, abandon them in a cot and think that their cries are them trying to manipulate us, maybe they just miss mummy as much as we miss our bumps. Ferber never intended his methods to be used on babies younger than 4 months, preferably 6. And don't smack your LO for wanting a cuddle. Its just not fair. I can only imagine how awful I would feel if my mum smacked me when all I wanted was mummy to give me a cuddle :(

Natalie - posted on 08/21/2009

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i've learned in my ECE courses that it's not spoiling your baby if you respond quickly the first six months. in fact, if you don't respond to his/her cries, the baby will get insecure and their feelings will get hurt that no one's coming. the longer you leave him crying, the longer it will take to calm him.

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Juanne - posted on 04/14/2009

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Quoting Allison:



Quoting Juanne:




It doesn't hurt them at all, even if they cry for an hour or more. Babies just need to cry sometimes. My daughter cried for hours one night when she was only a month old, she was clean, she had been fed and burped, swaddled nothing we did made her happy, she wanted nothing to do with me or my husband so we left her alone and a little over an hour she got quieter and quieter. She just wanted to cry herself to sleep. I found out that night that sometimes that is what is needed, I always check on her when she had her crying fits after that but I usually left her alone until she was done. She seems to feel better afterwards.









I think it certainly can cause long-term damage to cry for an hour or more without any coping skills. Think about if you were upset and your husband told you he was going to ignore you until you were back to your happy self. If you really wanted to be comforted, you'd probably get more upset at him. 






On the other hand, you do have a very good point - sometimes children (and adults) *do* want time alone to re-group. Most babies aren't like this, but I've known several who do much better if they have time alone, or at least time not being held, etc. I found with my son that he needed to be held and worn a lot, but if he didn't have any floor time where I wasn't interacting with him during the day, he was cranky. He didn't need a lot, but I learned to follow his cues and let him play by himself (supervised, but with me not interacting) for short periods of time during the day. It helped him.






And yes, some babies *do* need to cry themselves to sleep. Like I said in a previous post, they are processing a lot during the day and can get really fussy/overstimulated by the end of the day. Crying is very cathartic. I just don't think babies should be left alone to cry. BUT, like you said, your child didn't want you or your husband...and I think that's very respectful to notice what is working for her and meets her needs, which I think is very different from doing what works for you and doesn't meet her needs. The one of biggest issues I have with a Cry-It-Out Approach, is that it is for the parents and not for the baby. It's the parents who need baby to sleep all night, not baby. 





My child was and still is very independent. She liked to do things on her own or her own way. I did discuss this crying thing with her pediatrician and was told to let her cry. Don’t think that I did not check on her while she was crying because I did and if I was sleeping my husband would check on her. (He and my mother would turn off the monitor so I would sleep) She did this for several months and we made many changes for her because I always thought it was something we did or did not do for her. She was not colic though, she did not cry all the time she just wanted to cry sometimes. She grew out of it and I still would no change the way I did things with her. Everyone is titled to there own opinion on how things should or should not be done. This worked for us so I would not hesitate to try again with our next one.

Sandy - posted on 04/14/2009

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I don't like the controlled crying thing too much! I tried it with my daughter when she was a baby and the poor little thing cried and cried for 15 minutes and started actually sobbing as she got so distressed! We couldn't stand it and went in to her and even though she was only weeks old you could see the relief in her eyes and face when she saw us! We never did it again, all it did was to stress the poor little thing out! I will never forget that day and when we had our son 2 years later we would tend to him when he cried and settled him and he was a happy baby because I guess he knew we were there for him.

Claire - posted on 04/14/2009

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I used it with my son for daytime naps as he didn't want to miss anything so wouldn't sleep and then got very grumpy. I read several things that said you shouldn't leave then more than 15minutes and then go and re-settle them. I always did this and he was always asleep by the end of the second 15 minutes. I think you know the difference between cries, once my son's crying changed to very high pitched and unhappy when I went upstairs he had got his leg stuck in the bars of his cot. Mostly trust yourself and know that you know what's best for your child and they only want what they think will make them happy at that moment! Good luck x

Kerry - posted on 04/14/2009

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i do it. i do first cover my basics tho! clean bum, fed, check for no burps etc



when im satisfied i will leave mine to cry ( i have twins) and if the crying gets to me i take the dog out in the garden for a little while so i dont have to listen to it and give in. it really works but if they are crying for a long time i will go up  give them a cuddle sssssh them quiet and put them back down again.



it is hard at first but you reap the awards as they get older!



goodluck xx 

[deleted account]

Quoting Sam:

Has anyone tried controlled crying, If so does it work? And how long did you leave the baby to cry?





Hey Sam... the first two children no we didn't but they didn't need it... the 3rd one is a very intelligent manipulative little soul... so yes we did.  And lilke the rest of the parents, checked every 10 - 15 minutes to ensure nothing was wrong (like leg caught in cot) after about 2 - 3 weeks he only cries for a minute then goes to sleep.  Keep with it, although it may go out the window if bubba gets sick... good luck


 

Mel - posted on 04/14/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:



Quoting Margot:




Quoting Emma:





Quoting Amanda-Lynn:






Quoting Jennifer:







Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.














What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 














Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck



















That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.















it makes me sad to hear this too.. seriously tho.. you must be so dumb not to know that babys wake up all night to be fed... your baby was probably crying all night because of being starving.. what a sad situation.. that poor poor baby.. at 4 weeks you started starving your child through the night.. how cruel and unloving.. you need to get your act together and start to give your baby food.. baby must be fed through the night... stupid woman.. and i dont care who i have offended.. i really needed to reply to this.. its neglect at  its worst!!!!!












I totally agree with you.  Babies at that young of an age should not go any longer than 4 hours without eating.  Every Ped doc will tell you that.  To starve then and then make them CIO, just so the parents can have a great night of sleep.  Why do people have children if they are going to be so cruel?  I am not offended at all.  If anyone is offended than they are the ones who are doing this to their babies! 









Nice to know you all feel as though I am starving my child, but for your information my lil girl is growing amazingly, she is putting on 300-400grams a week and has been since she was 3 weeks. the first night she slept for this long i was worried and watched her practically the whole night had maybe 2 hrs sleep myself, i was waiting for her to wake up. But she slept so peacefully.






I personally feel that my lil girl will tell me when she wants a feed, I dont feel i need to wake her to feed her, demand feeding is when they want it they get it, and thats what i do. this can be for her every 2hrs during the day. I have spoken to my M&CHN & doc and they are not telling me i'm starving my child.






I feel crying is a perfectly normal thing for a baby to do, you can tell the difference between a distress cry and just grizzling.






I'm sorry you ladies can't accept another mother and childs situation, and you have not offended me. I feel everyone has a right to voice their own opinions and you have done so, but just remember my lil girl is NOT STARVING and is perfect healthy happy baby.






 



dont worry about people who put u down and accuse you of starving your child - you know you are not. it is perfectly fine for a baby to go more then 4 hours without a feed - my daughter was only one demand feeds for 2 weeks of her life the first two and she slept 10-11 hrs a night it was fantastic! so not they dont have to eat that often nurses told me how lucky I was! my sleep deprivision started after that and she is now 12 months and not allowed on demand feeds unfortunately.





 

Karlie - posted on 04/13/2009

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i posted before about how i had started the cio and it was only my 2nd day at it. well its been a wk now and my son is only crying a few mins when i put him down now and last night he slept thru the night!!!! it really does work

Jennifer - posted on 04/13/2009

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Quoting Margot:



Quoting Emma:




Quoting Amanda-Lynn:





Quoting Jennifer:






Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.












What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 












Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck
















That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.












it makes me sad to hear this too.. seriously tho.. you must be so dumb not to know that babys wake up all night to be fed... your baby was probably crying all night because of being starving.. what a sad situation.. that poor poor baby.. at 4 weeks you started starving your child through the night.. how cruel and unloving.. you need to get your act together and start to give your baby food.. baby must be fed through the night... stupid woman.. and i dont care who i have offended.. i really needed to reply to this.. its neglect at  its worst!!!!!









I totally agree with you.  Babies at that young of an age should not go any longer than 4 hours without eating.  Every Ped doc will tell you that.  To starve then and then make them CIO, just so the parents can have a great night of sleep.  Why do people have children if they are going to be so cruel?  I am not offended at all.  If anyone is offended than they are the ones who are doing this to their babies! 





Nice to know you all feel as though I am starving my child, but for your information my lil girl is growing amazingly, she is putting on 300-400grams a week and has been since she was 3 weeks. the first night she slept for this long i was worried and watched her practically the whole night had maybe 2 hrs sleep myself, i was waiting for her to wake up. But she slept so peacefully.



I personally feel that my lil girl will tell me when she wants a feed, I dont feel i need to wake her to feed her, demand feeding is when they want it they get it, and thats what i do. this can be for her every 2hrs during the day. I have spoken to my M&CHN & doc and they are not telling me i'm starving my child.



I feel crying is a perfectly normal thing for a baby to do, you can tell the difference between a distress cry and just grizzling.



I'm sorry you ladies can't accept another mother and childs situation, and you have not offended me. I feel everyone has a right to voice their own opinions and you have done so, but just remember my lil girl is NOT STARVING and is perfect healthy happy baby.



 

Jennifer - posted on 04/13/2009

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Quoting Margot:



Quoting Emma:




Quoting Amanda-Lynn:





Quoting Jennifer:






Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.












What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 












Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck
















That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.












it makes me sad to hear this too.. seriously tho.. you must be so dumb not to know that babys wake up all night to be fed... your baby was probably crying all night because of being starving.. what a sad situation.. that poor poor baby.. at 4 weeks you started starving your child through the night.. how cruel and unloving.. you need to get your act together and start to give your baby food.. baby must be fed through the night... stupid woman.. and i dont care who i have offended.. i really needed to reply to this.. its neglect at  its worst!!!!!









I totally agree with you.  Babies at that young of an age should not go any longer than 4 hours without eating.  Every Ped doc will tell you that.  To starve then and then make them CIO, just so the parents can have a great night of sleep.  Why do people have children if they are going to be so cruel?  I am not offended at all.  If anyone is offended than they are the ones who are doing this to their babies! 





Nice to know you all feel as though I am starving my child, but for your information my lil girl is growing amazingly, she is putting on 300-400grams a week and has been since she was 3 weeks. the first night she slept for this long i was worried and watched her practically the whole night had maybe 2 hrs sleep myself, i was waiting for her to wake up. But she slept so peacefully.



I personally feel that my lil girl will tell me when she wants a feed, I dont feel i need to wake her to feed her, demand feeding is when they want it they get it, and thats what i do. this can be for her every 2hrs during the day. I have spoken to my M&CHN & doc and they are not telling me i'm starving my child.



I feel crying is a perfectly normal thing for a baby to do, you can tell the difference between a distress cry and just grizzling.



I'm sorry you ladies can't accept another mother and childs situation, and you have not offended me. I feel everyone has a right to voice their own opinions and you have done so, but just remember my lil girl is NOT STARVING and is perfect healthy happy baby.



 

Dil - posted on 04/09/2009

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hi! not a bad thing if your baby is crying.. ive left our elsest older cry for 45mins! after that she never played tricks ever agian! worked wonders for us!!



 



Good luck



Dil

Karlie - posted on 04/09/2009

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wow ive read most of these posts and im really sick of people going on about not letting your child cry, fair enough when they are very young then yes you should pick them up and feed them ESPECIALLY at 6 wks!!!!but my son is 1 and since he was born he wakes up between 5 and 10 times a night beacause the only way he knows how to get to sleep is by breastfeeding so the other night i decided enough was enough so i done the cio BUT i didnt let him cry all night and went in after 5,10,15 mins and each time i calmed him down and half way into the 20 min one he was asleep!! now im not an expert and its only my second night but i feel it is working for us!!

Chantelle - posted on 04/09/2009

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I don't think its necessary. I am a single mum to a 5 month old boy and was starting to feel the strain a few weeks back and went for a chat with the health nurse, you know what she told me - this is now your job, to be 'a mother'. To me this means that it is my job to feed, dress, change, bathe, put to sleep, cuddle and read stories to him and its the best job in the world. When I am calm at night, read him a story, cuddle him and softly put him down he is fine; if I am rushing and impatient he responds in kind - so just relax and love your baby :)

[deleted account]

all i can say is heartless, a 4 wk old,that is just cruel and you don't deserve children if that is how you treat them, talk about terrible mothers, why bother having children if you don't want to look after them,

Trish - posted on 04/09/2009

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yeah I used to leave mine to cry, my oldest at 4weeks used to cry as soon as i put her in her cot well I'd just leave her for up to half an hour u could guarantee after that time she would be asleep and within 2 weeks of doing that she only used to cry for 10mins before falling asleep and by 2mths she never cried at all and got herself to sleep quickly.

Rebecca - posted on 04/08/2009

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absolutely! the only way I used to be able to get my 8month old bub to sleep was in a pram. Not ideal but it worked for us. However, my mum came down and just said to put him in his bed and let him cry. We have a camera in the room so we could see what he was doing. We watched him and of course he cried for 5 mins and then would stop, stand up in the cot and look at the door!! Well, we left him in there and in 10 mins he was asleep. He has never taken the dummy and now he just cries for a few minutes and then falls asleep. I think it is very important to let them learn how to sleep by themselves and comfort themselves. We put his bottle with water in it in the cot with him incase he gets a bit thirsty from crying.

Daniela - posted on 04/08/2009

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Hi Sam! Yes i believe it does work! I did it with my daughter when she was approx 8 months old. I put her in her cot and sat beside her (not facing her at all) while she cried and bounced up and down. Emotionally it was very difficult....i cried while she cried. 15 min later she was sound asleep. The next time it was sleep time she cried for 10min and from then on i've never looked back. (i guess i was lucky though that it only took 2 go's)



I believe its an emotional time for mums that do give it a go but sticking to it will be worth it in the end. Good Luck

Gail - posted on 04/08/2009

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I let my older son cry it out because he wouldn't sleep through the night, even after he was a year old.  he screamed for hours, would fall asleep, and then start screaming again.  This continued for weeks, with everybody telling me not to give in, he'd stop "soon".  I eventually gave up, decided I have a very stubborn little boy, and it took him a long time to actually sleep through the night.  My 2nd child slept longer at 6 weeks than my first did at 3 years old.  Now at least they both sleep through the night. (phew!)

[deleted account]

you stated that your son does not cry because he knows he will get nothing.. thats justsad... babys need love and attention and for your son not to ask for a need to be met because he knows you wil ignore him is so cruel

Ivanka - posted on 04/08/2009

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First time I did it when he was a few weeks old.

he was crying for couple minutes and stoped. He is 22month old,and never cry more than few minutes becouse he know that is not going to bring him anything. Yes he realy know!!.

Allison - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

I think that letting your baby cry is sometimes a necessity. I see the points that have been made about the ill effects of doing so and I acknowledge that it is not for everyone. I am in the process of doing it with my ten month old because he became very attached to me and would only sleep with me in my bed. At this point co-sleeping is very dangerous as could crawl off the bed if I were not to wake up. I do let him cry for short periods of time and then I go in and comfort him by patting his back and sometimes rocking him if he won't settle. I also believe that some time for yourself and your spouse is needed for the health of the entire family. This can not happen if your child is constantly in your room. It is important for children to learn to how to go to sleep by themselves. As far as attachment disorders, I do not understand how one can not see that constantly being your child's pacifier can also lead to attachment issues.


You certainly have a very good point - it's important to make sure you are staying sane and that you have time with your spouse. There are ways to do that that do not involve crying. Based on how you describe what you are doing with your baby, it doesn't sound like you are completely ignoring him - I wonder if you could just rock him to sleep from the beginning instead of letting him cry for short periods?



For co-sleeping, once my child was crawling around, we put the mattress on the floor. This solved the safety issue of falling. Then I bought a bed from IKEA, which is naturally low to the ground, so there is no fall concern.



I also do not believe that having your child in your bed prevents time with your spouse. I think it increases family time and we have other places in our house for "couple time". 



Attachment is formed by being there for your child and allowing a child to move away from you once they are comfortable doing so - not pushing them away. It's very normal and developmentally appropriate for a child to hit 9-10 months and become extremely attached to mom - it's a normal stage that children work through with the help of an understanding parents (note: this often comes back at 18 months). These separation anxiety stages often precede a major developmental leap, like getting ready to walk or getting ready to have a language explosion. Children need their parents to be with them during this time of great change. 



And, no, meeting your child's needs does not cause attachment issues. It's pushing them away before they are ready OR making them stay attached even when they do not want or need it that can cause attachment issues. By allowing children the freedom to make their own decisions and by being there when they need you they are able to move to being confident and independent in their own time, when they are truly ready. I can understand how it might make sense that attachment problems would be caused by us "babying" our babies, but this is not what the research shows (and honestly, what's wrong with babying a baby?). Check out information about Attachment Theory - the research and explanations you can find will be much better (and probably more coherent) than my explanations.

[deleted account]

I think that letting your baby cry is sometimes a necessity. I see the points that have been made about the ill effects of doing so and I acknowledge that it is not for everyone. I am in the process of doing it with my ten month old because he became very attached to me and would only sleep with me in my bed. At this point co-sleeping is very dangerous as could crawl off the bed if I were not to wake up. I do let him cry for short periods of time and then I go in and comfort him by patting his back and sometimes rocking him if he won't settle. I also believe that some time for yourself and your spouse is needed for the health of the entire family. This can not happen if your child is constantly in your room. It is important for children to learn to how to go to sleep by themselves. As far as attachment disorders, I do not understand how one can not see that constantly being your child's pacifier can also lead to attachment issues.

Sonya - posted on 04/08/2009

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My daughter was so "spoiled" she would even cry when I'd sit down while holding her. So, I had the baby carrier attached to me @ ALL TIMES!! I would even bathe with her because I didn't want her to cry. But one day...ONE GLORIUS DAY...I left her in her crib and turned the Classical music up as loud as possible (in the next room so i couldn't hear her cry)...I went back 10 minutess later she was lying in her crib ACTUALLY looking @ the mobile smiling and playing. She hadn't cried ANYMORE since!!..So..YES It works!!!**IN MY CASE**

[deleted account]

I think it is a cruel think to do to a baby, I have 3 children and with my first 2 I think used the the no cry sleep solution, I would never leave them in a room to cry, my 2 girls are nearly 5 and nearly 3 and both of them go to bed no problems with a bed time story and sleep through,  my third is just 6 weeks and is breast fed, and I pick her up even before she starts to cry when she wants a feed or change, and those are the only times she cries, and she sleeps a full 5 hrs every night which is her choice not mine and i'm happy with them, you're suppose to have children because you want and love them, not to leave them to cry, or smack them for crying or not pick them up out of fear they'll become clingy, why bother having children then? 



there are so many parents that have lost their children and would give anything to have them back, so you should think to yourselves if you lost yours you'd soon be wishing you cuddled them more and not left them to cry,

Allison - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Margot:

I totally agree with you.  Babies at that young of an age should not go any longer than 4 hours without eating.  Every Ped doc will tell you that.  To starve then and then make them CIO, just so the parents can have a great night of sleep.  Why do people have children if they are going to be so cruel?  I am not offended at all.  If anyone is offended than they are the ones who are doing this to their babies! 





That's not exactly the case - yes, most babies need to eat every 2-3 hours when breastfeeding and 3-4 hours when being fed formula, but some babies do well at night going 6 or more hours, even at a young age. It really depends on how often they are eating during the day. With breastfed babies, they can cluster-feed, which means eat very frequently during the day, then not need to eat at night. My daughter, even at 5 weeks, was sleeping 6 hours at night and I was worried. But the pediatrician felt she was eating enough during the day and was growing well, so we decided not to wake her to feed her. 



BUT, yes, if a baby is waking at night and needs to eat, then they should be fed. Withholding food just so mom and dad can get more sleep is dangerous to baby. Babies who at one time were eating every 6 hours at night *can* change to needing to be fed more often, especially when going through a growth spurt, so it's important to find out when your baby wakes up in the middle of the night why they woke instead of just ignoring their cries. 



One of the problems with using controlled crying is that parents tend to not respond to their babies when they wake in the middle of the night and cry. Sometimes they don't hear the baby (they've gotten accustomed to the crying and don't wake) or they figure baby will go back to sleep eventually (which often they will, as baby has learned mom and dad won't come anyway...even if it's really important). This isn't good for baby because a lot of changes occur during the first year, and they *do* need mom and dad to support them through these - like teething, growth spurts, illnesses, and even meeting new developmental milestones. 



I hear of parents who have done the CIO approach being afraid to go to their baby when they think they need them in the middle of the night - the parents are afraid by going in "just this once" that they will be giving in to baby or break the whole training they worked so hard to get, and then have to re-do the whole CIO technique for several nights. This is common when babies get sick and mom and dad need to hold them more or change the bedtime routine. But when baby gets better, often they don't return to the old routine, so CIO has to start all over again. That's a few more nights of crying. And this repeats during the first year because so many changes occur that effect sleep. So it's not just a one-time deal that works forever - it often must be repeated...so you're talking maybe 3-5 nights (or a week or two) or controlled crying, then great sleep for a few weeks or a month, then returning to controlled crying again. That's a lot of crying for a baby...and a lot of not-responding for a parent.

Allison - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Rhiannon:


 



I tried it with my 4 year old, at the time 2 - 1/2 yrs, due to him throwing the most volitile tantrums at night, kicking the door screaming he was so out of control, when he threw a tantrum where ever i was, i ignored it completely even at 1,2,3,4 a clock in the morning,





I think there is a huge difference from a 2 year old throwing a fit and a baby crying to sleep. Not only are toddlers more developed and have a better understanding of the world and cause & effect, but they also have coping strategies and skills that have developed over time. Babies do not have this understanding and their brains are so very immature that be left to cry or ignored when they cry have have serious effects to their understanding of how the world works and how mom/dad respond.



There are some other techniques you can use with tantrums, like emotion talk, demonstrating ways to get rid of anger/frustration, etc. but ignoring a tantrum (typically staying nearby but not responding until toddler needs comforting to help calm down) is a good technique, depending on the reason behind the tantrum.

Allison - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

and Allison yes I do remember being a child and I dont remember my mother ever hugging me. my mum was infact pretty violent its just the way things are in our family but i do enjoy cuddles with my girl I absolutely love affection.


I'm sure those memories can be hard to deal with sometimes. It sounds to be like you are trying to be very different from your mom and trying to be closer to your daughter than your mom was with you. I certainly commend that - don't be afraid to try to do things even more differently. Parenting is a process that is always growing and changing, just as your daughter is. The parent I am today is not the parent I was when my daughter was 1 (she's 5 now).



I'm so glad your daughter can play with you nearby and you don't need to be with her all the time - that's very helpful to you, I'm sure. I'd encourage you to sit with her and play when she's not asking for it sometimes as well - those are good times to interact and make wonderful "teachable" moments . I also challenge you to looking into information about attachment and bonding - maybe good "healthy parent-child attachment" or take a look at http://www.askdrsears.com. I don't know that you'd be open to trying all of the ideas that are related to AP, but you might find a few ideas and techniques that work both for you and your daughter. It doesn't hurt to try to expand our parenting playbook and try out new strategies. 

Allison - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

and Allison yes I do remember being a child and I dont remember my mother ever hugging me. my mum was infact pretty violent its just the way things are in our family but i do enjoy cuddles with my girl I absolutely love affection.


I'm sure those memories can be hard to deal with sometimes. It sounds to be like you are trying to be very different from your mom and trying to be closer to your daughter than your mom was with you. I certainly commend that - don't be afraid to try to do things even more differently. Parenting is a process that is always growing and changing, just as your daughter is. The parent I am today is not the parent I was when my daughter was 1 (she's 5 now).



I'm so glad your daughter can play with you nearby and you don't need to be with her all the time - that's very helpful to you, I'm sure. I'd encourage you to sit with her and play when she's not asking for it sometimes as well - those are good times to interact and make wonderful "teachable" moments . I also challenge you to looking into information about attachment and bonding - maybe good "healthy parent-child attachment" or take a look at http://www.askdrsears.com. I don't know that you'd be open to trying all of the ideas that are related to AP, but you might find a few ideas and techniques that work both for you and your daughter. It doesn't hurt to try to expand our parenting playbook and try out new strategies. 

Valerie - posted on 04/08/2009

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I see you have heaps of responses and I haven't read them all but here's my experience. With my older girl I had tried control crying and it upset me as with most mothers I know. Crying went up to 20 mins and eventually she fell asleep. I was lucky though that she generally was a very good sleeper through the night. With my second girl, I don't use controlled crying for her to sleep. Now I read to both of them (4y/o and almost 2y/o), still give the little one a milk bottle and I sit with them until they fall asleep - usually 5-10 mins. The advantage or reward, for me, in doing this is that my relationship with my older girl has improved, I enjoy sitting with them quietly and 5-10 mins is really not a long time. My point is I enjoy it while I can. I know kids are different and therefore this will not work for all parents. But I love it and it beats the 20min cries. I do often find one of my girls in my bed by the morning but I don't mind. Sometimes the little one does wake in the night and I mostly ignore it depending on the type of cry or give her a water bottle and she'll go back down. Whether you try control crying or not I think it's important to know the types or purpose of cries your baby has so you can act accordingly. All the best.

Margot - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Emma:



Quoting Amanda-Lynn:




Quoting Jennifer:





Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.










What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 










Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck













That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.









it makes me sad to hear this too.. seriously tho.. you must be so dumb not to know that babys wake up all night to be fed... your baby was probably crying all night because of being starving.. what a sad situation.. that poor poor baby.. at 4 weeks you started starving your child through the night.. how cruel and unloving.. you need to get your act together and start to give your baby food.. baby must be fed through the night... stupid woman.. and i dont care who i have offended.. i really needed to reply to this.. its neglect at  its worst!!!!!





I totally agree with you.  Babies at that young of an age should not go any longer than 4 hours without eating.  Every Ped doc will tell you that.  To starve then and then make them CIO, just so the parents can have a great night of sleep.  Why do people have children if they are going to be so cruel?  I am not offended at all.  If anyone is offended than they are the ones who are doing this to their babies! 

Rhiannon - posted on 04/08/2009

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Hi there



I tried it with my 4 year old, at the time 2 - 1/2 yrs, due to him throwing the most volitile tantrums at night, kicking the door screaming he was so out of control, when he threw a tantrum where ever i was, i ignored it completely even at 1,2,3,4 a clock in the morning, and when the crying came on, i started the control crying, i first went in and reassured him, then i would wait 2 minutes, then 5 minutes then 7 minutes and then every 10 minutes, it didn't take long for him to get the drift.  I feel that in certain circumstances it does work, crying will not hurt your child.



Hope all goes well

[deleted account]

Quoting Amanda-Lynn:



Quoting Jennifer:




Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.








What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 








Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck










That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.





it makes me sad to hear this too.. seriously tho.. you must be so dumb not to know that babys wake up all night to be fed... your baby was probably crying all night because of being starving.. what a sad situation.. that poor poor baby.. at 4 weeks you started starving your child through the night.. how cruel and unloving.. you need to get your act together and start to give your baby food.. baby must be fed through the night... stupid woman.. and i dont care who i have offended.. i really needed to reply to this.. its neglect at  its worst!!!!!

Therese - posted on 04/08/2009

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Never let them have that crying time, mine are 13months apart.  I did you a pacifer and that would calm them down. You will learn the diff. types of crying.  Pain, tired, fussy, wet.  just give them all the love you can.  Mine are now 19 and 20!

Amanda - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:



Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.






What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 






Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck






That makes me sad to hear a 6 week old baby going 9 hours without food.

Sonia - posted on 04/08/2009

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Hi Sam, we had to try this method with our youngest, Jack when he was a few months old! He would go to bed and scream all night, we were getting no sleep. So, we started controlled crying. We started by going in every 5 mins, but as the nights went on we left it for 7mins, 10 mins and so on, never more than 15mins. When we went in we didn't speak just laid him down if he was stood or sat up, stroked his face so he knew we were there and then left. It did take a couple of weeks but eventually, he went to bed with no tears and didn't scream for hours in the night. Along with this we also took his dummy away from him..... Best thing we ever did!!! A lot of the time he was just waking up because it had fallen out, once he was used to not having it this wasn't a problem!

Hope this helps

Sonia.

Margot - posted on 04/08/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

ive read the posts past mine everybody has such different views and thanks for all the responses to Sam's question its just each to thier own really some people believe you shouldnt let a baby cry otehrs (like me) believe that it is the only way to teach them to comfort themselves otherwise you will forever be holding them and never be able to get them down. my little girl is really independant now due to my parenting she plays by herself and everything sure i get on the floor with her sometimes but not really any need as she'd rather have fun with her toys. shes a good girl she doesnt cry much at all. not even when shes hungry never has (probably because she has always been on 3-4 hr feeds all day).

In answer to Amanda-Lynn my daughter cries more if i go into the room to comfort her and even my mother in law who is a fantastic mum says to me dont go in there just leave her be.

Margot - its each to their own everyone believes in different things.

and Allison yes I do remember being a child and I dont remember my mother ever hugging me. my mum was infact pretty violent its just the way things are in our family but i do enjoy cuddles with my girl I absolutely love affection.



You are right to each's own, however smacking and infant is not the answer!  At this young age they don't know any better.  Yeah everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for their child.  Sure go ahead and let your children cry to "comfort" themselves.  Funny cause I thought that comforting them was our jobs as their mothers.  My 6 & 3 year old were never left to CIO and they are both very independant and advanced for their age.  My 5 month old is a very content baby and is NEVER left to CIO, and never SMACKED!  You are right to each's own, I forgot that leaving your infant to cry and smacking was parenting 101.  Are you kidding me!?! 



I was raised in an abusive household and would NEVER smack my children.  My very own father slammed me into a steel door, punched me in the face knocking my front tooth out and locked me in a closet.  YOU ARE CONDONING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!  SMACKING IS NOT THE ANSWER! 



CIO is something that you have to make a choice whether to do or not to do.  I would do the research before you decide to go that route.  Smacking is just NOT an acceptable way to parent, especially if your child is looking for your "attention".  Which FYI infants at this age do not comprehend rationalization.  What she is teaching her daughter by smacking her for attention, is that when she needs her mommy that mommy will just pop her.

[deleted account]

Quoting Melissa:

i agree Allison there is a reason i just didnt count attention seeking as a reason. when my daughter cries to get attention she gets a smack. she did it to us last night and we had to try and get to sleep with her crying in her cot. not easy. so yeah alot of the time it is just for attention because our daughter we always make sure her nappy is done and shes bathed etc last night it was jst she threw up her bottle and did not want to go back to sleep which is very unual for her as she's almost always wanted to sleep right thru.



your daughter gets smaked for crying???? was this some sort of sick joke??? you really smack her for crying??? if she is crying to get attention then give her it... for goodness sake.. will you smack her when she is older and askes a question??? this is wrong!!

Sandra - posted on 04/08/2009

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Don't,  It is unnecessary and they are crying for a reason.  Simple as that.. babies don't c ry for amusment.  I am not saying this to make you feel guilty and yes I have left my two babies to cry, but I learned what was a tired cry and hungry, pain etc before doing anything like that.  Usually I rocked my babies to sleep and taught them how to fall asleep thru slowly with drawing the rocking.  Worked for me.  And I am a teacher.

[deleted account]

Quoting Melissa:

i agree Allison there is a reason i just didnt count attention seeking as a reason. when my daughter cries to get attention she gets a smack. she did it to us last night and we had to try and get to sleep with her crying in her cot. not easy. so yeah alot of the time it is just for attention because our daughter we always make sure her nappy is done and shes bathed etc last night it was jst she threw up her bottle and did not want to go back to sleep which is very unual for her as she's almost always wanted to sleep right thru.



your daughter gets smaked for crying???? was this some sort of sick joke??? you really smack her for crying??? if she is crying to get attention then give her it... for goodness sake.. will you smack her when she is older and askes a question??? this is wrong!!

Shelagh - posted on 04/08/2009

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I didn't do it with my own children, but I was a childminder for several years and found it very effective for toddlers who might/might not need an afternoon nap. I would leave them to cry in the cot, but only for 5 minutes (timed by the clock). I found it really helpful because a) they often fell asleep during this time and b) I didn't feel guilty about 'leaving them to cry', as I knew it was only going to be for 5 minutes and c) it's amazing what you can get done in 5 minutes without a toddler helping! If they were still crying after 5 minutes I would go and get them.

Katy - posted on 04/07/2009

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I have tried the going in after 10 minutes and then 15 and working my way up. However, I afte we got past the stage, I was reading that kids will just keep crying longer and longer until you come in. According to what I was reading, it is OK to let your child cry for up to an hour but no longer. This does of course depend on the age, diaper, water, hungry and all the basics have been fulfilled.



Hope this helps!

Mel - posted on 04/07/2009

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ive read the posts past mine everybody has such different views and thanks for all the responses to Sam's question its just each to thier own really some people believe you shouldnt let a baby cry otehrs (like me) believe that it is the only way to teach them to comfort themselves otherwise you will forever be holding them and never be able to get them down. my little girl is really independant now due to my parenting she plays by herself and everything sure i get on the floor with her sometimes but not really any need as she'd rather have fun with her toys. shes a good girl she doesnt cry much at all. not even when shes hungry never has (probably because she has always been on 3-4 hr feeds all day).

In answer to Amanda-Lynn my daughter cries more if i go into the room to comfort her and even my mother in law who is a fantastic mum says to me dont go in there just leave her be.

Margot - its each to their own everyone believes in different things.

and Allison yes I do remember being a child and I dont remember my mother ever hugging me. my mum was infact pretty violent its just the way things are in our family but i do enjoy cuddles with my girl I absolutely love affection.

Barbie - posted on 04/07/2009

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It works very well...but at the cost of teaching your baby that you are not one who can be trusted and you won't come to them when they need you. Not to mention, it's not a one-time deal...as children grow and change, you end up having to do it again and again. Some research shows that parents who use a cry-it-out method become less in-tune to their children and are less likely to hear them crying and respond appropriately to it. Also, when kids are left to cry alone, their stress hormones (cortisol, I think) are very high, which isn't good for brain development (and shows that controlled crying is very hard on a little one). When babies cry but are held and comforted, even when they continue to cry, the stress hormones are not raised - this shows how much they do need us to help them. Remember they are little people who have no coping skills - we much help them to develop them, not leave them alone for them to fend for themselves, even for 5 minutes.



You might find some good information on how to help your baby sleep without resorting to abandonment (i.e. Cry-It-Out) by checking out Elizabeth Pantley's book The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Jay Gordons' Good Nights, and Dr. Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby On the Block (book or video).



I honestly believe that supporting sleep in a loving and respectful way for the first 2 years or so (until they are developmentally ready to sleep alone and have some self-soothing skills that have been developed and practiced during the day as well) is really only a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things of both your life and their life. Dr. Sears refers to this at Nighttime Parenting, and it is a lot of work, but I feel it leads to healthy sleep habits that are lifelong. I strongly agree with this !!

Jess - posted on 04/07/2009

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Everyone told me to judt let my son cry it out at bedtime. So I tried it. After 20-30 mins he was so worked up there was no way he was going to sleep. I helped him to sleep by rocking him and rubbing his back. After that no more letting him cry like that. It was miserable for both of us and not worth it. He's seven now and has been going to bed completely on his own since 3. Before that I might have laid down with him or something till he was asleep. I think everyone has to do what is right for themselves and their baby! Good luck.

Ashley - posted on 04/07/2009

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IT DOESNT HURT TO LET THE BABY CRY FOR A LITTLE BIT BUT I NEVER LET MINE CRY FOR MORE THAN 7 MINUTES TOPS U CAN NEVER CONTROL CRYING

Jennifer - posted on 04/07/2009

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Its working for me. We put bubs down at 830pm last night and she cried on and off for 15 mins and then was asleep, slept right through to 5am this morning!! (YAY mummy got a good sleep) This has happend the last 3 nights, she would usually wake at 1am and at 5am for a feed, now were getting through without the 1am feed.



What your doing is teaching your baby that they can go to sleep on their own. It is so hard at first but does get easier. I started when she was 4 weeks old, and 1st time she cried for 1/2 hour, now we are down to 10mins, sometimes on takes 2mins depends on how stimulated she is, she's now 6 weeks. My little one gets over tired really quickly and the control crying is the only thing that has success now. takes up to 1hr or more if we are holding her. 



Just remember: Always go in a check on them every 10mins. If your going to do it you have to stick to it. And your not harming your baby sometimes its what they want to do. Good Luck

Pam - posted on 04/07/2009

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I have never used cry it out. I think it's inhumane. If your baby is born healthy, there is no need to "strengthen their lungs." I personally think the cry it out method is more for the convenience of the parents and not for the benefit of the child. There is a difference between comforting (patting, holding, rocking, touching) and true cry it out (no contact, leave the room and let the cry). I think the former will work if used consistently and with love. My kids fell asleep in my arms and they now both fall asleep on their own but usually prefer to fall asleep cuddling with me. Since I am away working most of the day, this is a very special time for us all. Good luck

Kelcy - posted on 04/07/2009

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my children are older now...but when they were babies, the best thing that i ever did was let them cry.  but, whatever you do....don't give in at the last minute!  that just means they will cry longer the next time.  my first one cried for 33 minutes the first night...and after that- she did not ever get up in the middle of the night again.  she was four months old.  my doctor actually told me to let her cry.  it was by far the best decision i ever made!!!!

Erin - posted on 04/07/2009

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It worked for me. As everyone has said sometimes they just cry for no reason at all, usually cos they are over tired. I'd leave them for no longer than 10 mins. Usually go in a few times to let them know they are ok and resettle (arms back in wrap, dummy in). Works really well to establish night time sleeping. My boys never cried for longer than 5 mins before falling back asleep at night.

Allison - posted on 04/07/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

No, but i suggest not to hold them to much they get use to your arms and then you become thier bed.


Yes, they do love to sleep in your arms. And you know, it only lasts a little while, sadly. My 5 year old is too big to hold and cuddle and I miss those times when she was in my arms a lot. Eventually they do grow out of needing you to sleep. Really! My daughter loves to snuggle with me in the morning in bed, and since she was 2 she's been sleeping alone but allowed to come  get in bed with us when the sun came up, and it's still great to cherish this time together. My 2 year old still sometimes naps in my arms, but he's sleeping really well at night...it's only a matter of time before he won't want me to hold him either. I have a baby one the way, too, and am certainly looking forward to holding this one as much as I have the other two, even while sleeping (or, during the day, wearing in a sling, wrap, or mei tai). I don't see it as a crutch for them or for me - both my kids are pretty independent so far.



I really feel that independence is something that grows from dependence...children get their needs met, feel secure and respected, and know that they can take a few steps away from you because if something "bad" happens, you will be there. Children who are able to slowly move into independence as they are comfortable, I feel, are more confident, secure, and actually more independent earlier than children who are given push before they are ready.



Parenting is a commitment - and it's hard. But I think doing things the hard way early on will help as time goes on. I've always felt if you put the time and effort in in the short term, then things are much easier in the long term. This seems to be the case for discipline, meal times, household rules, tantrums, language/communication, and sleeping - really everything related to development of a child and parent-child relationship (and heck, even our relationship with our spouses!).

Sherilyn - posted on 04/07/2009

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Reading some of your comments, Everyone one has there own way of parenting but I thought your parent is suposed to be your best friend?? A shoulder to Cry on!! Somone to talk to, a hug when you need it and someone to tell your secrets to!! It is like you don't have to change your best friend in for your baby but when it comes down to it while she/he is out parting and having fun you are having fun with your new best friend (that is why BF or Sisters always get jelous when your pregnet and they dont have any kids or a man I know what it is like to sit at home by myself while all the gilfriends are pregnet and now 6 years later it is my turn and they all moved on with their lives and we are close friends anymore) The way I see it , is you see a shirt 2 for 1 on sale normally u would buy for your friend and one for you and she would buy something else for you guys right??? But now you are looking for sales for mommy and baby!!



Now when it comes down to it would you leave you BFF in the middle of the parking lot crying after her boy friend dumped her at a bar and went with a bunch of his friends to meet some girl??

You wouldn't do it to your best friend why do it to your baby??

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