has my 10 year old got an attitude problem?

Kat - posted on 02/05/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I know this must sound crazy, but my 10 year old daughter has such an attitude problem. She's been back chatting to me answering back after ive told her off for doing something she knows she's not suppose to be doing, she goes and askes her dad for stuff that shes asked me for and Ive said no to, which causes me and her dad to argue, and more recently shes been telling her grandmother lies (my partners mother -.-) that ive smacked her for no reason, even tho im a non smacking parent!! Ive tried the tough love approach, she just stayed in her room the entire day, Ive tried talking it out with her but all I get is a "whatever" . I just dont know what to do, im at my wits end.

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Tracie - posted on 02/06/2012

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I have a 10 year old daughter and I've found that when she pulls attitude, it's usually for one of two reasons: 1. she's testing boundaries with what she sees/hears at school or 2. something's really bothering her and she doesn't know how to express it.



In either case, the answer is to sit down and have a serious chat. No yelling. No punishments. Just get to the bottom of it. Do not accept "whatever" as an answer. Stay calm. Stay in control. Let her know that you're on her side and that you want to help her, but that giving you attitude is disrespectful and will NEVER work and will NEVER be tolerated.



So far every instance of "attitude" from my daughter has ended in hugs and "you're the best mommy ever" from her. Remember, they're new at this whole life thing. It's our job to guide them through these difficult pre-teen years. Teach them to love and respect themselves and others by giving them the love and respect that they, and everyone, deserve.



Best of luck to you!!

Jane - posted on 02/05/2012

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The only way to defeat her manipulation is to gather together the other adults in her life and plan how to deal with her and then stick to it. Communication is vital!



She will outgrow it most likely, but it will happen faster and with more certainty if all the adults are on the same page. You sure don't want her to still be at it when she hits her teens.

Michelle - posted on 02/05/2012

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Your daughter his pushing her boundaries, you need to sit down with your husband and come up with a game plan to deal with her going to the other parent if one says no around her my SO always asks my son what does your mother say and I do the same so now if mom has already said no the answer will be no and vise versa. As for the lying you need to chat with grandma tell her what stage your daughter is going through and get her on board as well the sooner your daughter realizes she can't pull the wool over anyones eyes or play them against one another she will stop. Remember it is a phase and she will out grow it.

[deleted account]

She's 10... and I've got two of them.



Sorry, that's all I've got. Hopefully we will both hear from people who have survived this age..... lol

ADELE - posted on 02/07/2012

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Hi there this is a problem and I think a lot of parents have the same problem!



You and your husband need to set ground rules and AGREE on them then she won't be able to run to daddy if mommy says NO!



Then NO means NO. you cant change your mind ever



If she stays in her room you domt have to cook for her she can make her own dinner



If she doesn't do chores no pocketmoney, sports, movies, hanging at the mall!



If she disrespects you you dont have to drop her at a friends house or school or take her phone ,computer, Tv .................



Golden rule is B doent happen if A is not finished!



Read A new kid by Friday written by Dr Kevin Leman it is a fantastic practical book on how to handle your kidz



My son is 10 and even though he does try his luck some times he knows he never gets away with it and my friends alway give me complimants on his good manners and respect for adults

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Virginia - posted on 02/10/2012

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Talk to her teacher also to see if this is going on at school as well. This is important!!!! Keep the yelling to a minium and stay in control , She will come around when she wants something. That's might be a good time to say," but your not honoring my wishes and what are we going to do about that."

ADELE - posted on 02/09/2012

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I am happy for you but if you can get the book A new kid by Friday it really just gives you gr8 tips

Sally - posted on 02/08/2012

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Kat, Im so pleased that this is getting sorted . It will get better hun and at this stage you don't need counsellers or labels. Your daighter is being a normal 10 year old. :-)

Kat - posted on 02/08/2012

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Update:

I sat down with my daughter and we had a good chat about whats going on with her. Heres what happened.

During our school holidays she stayed at 1 of her friends for a few nights and she noticed how her friend interacted with her parents, which was basiclly her running the house hold. This appealed to my daughter so she thought it was okay to be like that in our home, I explained to her that that is not how it works in our house, the back chatting and answering back stopped after her movies and books were taken away lol.

Theres still a bit of resistance from her, but after the chat things are waaay better for us.

me and my Partner (not married yet) are on the same page now, which is good.

I think it all came down to a lack of good communication.

Communication is the key ladies. :)

Deb - posted on 02/08/2012

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Start taking away her videos games , tv time . Maybe something deeper is going on try a doctor or therapist to get to the bottom.

Nikki - posted on 02/07/2012

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I have 11 year old twins and have gone through this with one of my daughters since she was 3. She is a nightmare. When she is in a good mood, it's great but that's rare. I never go through a day without confrontation or a slamming door and I am worn put. My GP has sent my to 3 different counsellors and I have still achieved nothing as they are more interested in me than her but as a mother of twins, if I was a bad mother "because I work" (which was one excuse for her behaviour) or "because she's a twin" (another excuse) or because "that's just the way she is" (the last excuse) how am I meant to deal with her? I've tried behaviour charts, the naughty step, financial rewards, treats etc etc and nothing works! I am at my wits end and have nowhere to go. Her hormones could be the reason or peer behaviour but I feel there is nowhere to go. I'm afraid you may have to just deal with it!!

Nikki - posted on 02/07/2012

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I have 11 year old twins and have gone through this with one of my daughters since she was 3. She is a nightmare. When she is in a good mood, it's great but that's rare. I never go through a day without confrontation or a slamming door and I am worn put. My GP has sent my to 3 different counsellors and I have still achieved nothing as they are more interested in me than her but as a mother of twins, if I was a bad mother "because I work" (which was one excuse for her behaviour) or "because she's a twin" (another excuse) or because "that's just the way she is" (the last excuse) they would both be the same yet I feel like I'm on trial, not the fact that I want to help my daughter! how am I meant to deal with her? I've tried behaviour charts, the naughty step, financial rewards, treats etc etc and nothing works! I am at my wits end and have nowhere to go. Her hormones could be the reason or peer behaviour but I feel there is nowhere to go. I'm afraid you may have to just deal with it!!

Hannah - posted on 02/07/2012

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I'd like to also add that I agree with one of the Mom's post above about counseling. A child psychiatrist or psychologist wouldn't be a bad idea. We've done that with our daughter too. It helped us since she's our first child to hit this stage which for us started at 8-9 yro. At some point I felt like I'd tried everything & none of it worked. Then I was so desperate that when issues arose, I'd try something different every time trying to find the "cure" to the issue. That blew the whole consistency thing outa the water. So the counseling helped us come up with some solid boundaries & consequences. We made a Rules Sheet with the consequences for the breaking of each rule written out as well. Then she could see if she broke this rule, I get this consequence. That helped us get started with the most common issues, back talking, manipulation, lying etc. Plus then the consequences were there for each parent, grandparent or whomever to see which helped us all get on the same page. Let's face it, the other parent isn't always going to be in the next room every time.

Additionally I agree with the above posts of maintaining your cool. However, you need to be able to give an immediate consequence following the misbehavior. Then if later after talking to dad, Y'all decide to lesson or increase the severity of the consequence, you do it together prefaced with the "we discussed your behavior & consequence from earlier & have decided to adjust it based on........" you get it.



Remember that she's gonna want you to be her friend. She's probably gonna say she hates you, doesn't wanna live here, wishes such n such's mom was her mom too, etc. DO NOT be swayed. It's not your job to be her friend. It's your job to be her mother & if that means breaking her heart by not letting her go to a party, on a date, whatever, then you'll do it because you know what's best for her. Even if she can't see it. My daughter has been oppositional since birth I swear. Lol. She was born with her own agenda & has been trying to put it into effect ever since. One day at a time, patience and communication will win out in the end. Good luck.

Hannah - posted on 02/07/2012

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My 11 yro has big time attitude with lots of back talking. She does have an ADDHD diagnosis but is otherwise typically developing kid.



The first thing I would stress is for you & your husband to get on the same page. Set up some rules and stick to them NO MATTER what. 1st Rule should be that if she's already asked one parent and then seeks the answer she prefers from the other parent - then the automatic consequence is an automatic NO for whatever the issue is. Then add to that an additional consequence for attempting to manipulate the two of you to get her way. My recommendation is the removal of something she likes more than anything else for a couple days. If that consequence doesn't get the desired effect then your removed item isn't important enough to her. It has to be something she loves: ie a dance/gymnastic lesson, tv rights regarding a FAV show & deleting it from the DVR if ya have it recorded too, if she's got a computer, cell phone, DS, Wii etc remove them (I've found that if my daughter loses her iPad then she just goes to her DS so when I use that consequence the rule is "lose priveleges on 1 lose them all.") you get the point. However if you & your husband are not on the same page, it's not going to work. Also DO NOT argue over discipline in front of her. When you do that, she WINS no matter what the consequences are afterwards.



As far as the lying goes, nip it in the butt quickly & harshly or it will get worse & she'll get better at it. I don't mean physically but rather that the consequence has to be a Biggie for her. More so than say a consequence for back talking.



Also I just realized that I've been saying "your husband," no disrespect intended. I was just thinking of those issues as we had them.



Good luck! Be very consistant & remember that she's 10 yro and you are older, smarter & can only be manipulated if you let her.

Sally - posted on 02/07/2012

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Been through it 3 times( 2 boys, 1 girl) the girl was the hardest. You need to talk with your husband and with your daughter therea gree that niether of you will allow anything without consulting each other. That should stop the playing each other of you . With the back chat i found that by not losing my temper and talking calmly it helped. I used to tell them to go to their room not because i was grounding them but because i was very upset and disappointrd that they thought it was ok to talk to me in that way and i need sometime. But please as long as you keep on top of it , know it won't last forever. Good luck

JANICE - posted on 02/07/2012

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I have a 10 year old too i know what u r going through she try me she have attitude too, but i let her know who is the boss cause i will knock her ass out she try to talk back or thumb so u just

have to let her know u r the boss.

Heather - posted on 02/07/2012

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M ydaughter is 23 and the attitude is only waning in the light of her now 5 motnh old son. All of a sudden since she is now a mom herself, some of the things i tried to do now make sense to her. She was always my shining light but when she hit about 11 she turned into a manipulative, backtalking, rebellious individual I did not know. This behavior continued into her early 20's despite my efforts to help. It has really damaged our relationship. I had to go completely hands off by the time she hit 17 -"i'm gonna be 18 in a few moths there isn't anything you can do! so there!" Now that she has a child of her own she sees that the bounrdies I set were necessary to keep her safe. It is hard and i don't have any real answers although counselling (family type or just you nad she together) can get you through some of the rough spots. best of luck lady, my thoughts are with you.

Mimi - posted on 02/06/2012

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Sounds like she is going through early puberty, as that kind of behavior is very normal in teenage girls. I recommend that you try to calm yourself down before you talk to her. When she is calm and maybe the time that she goes to bed, you should try to talk to her quietly and maybe ask a few question in a friendly manner. Don't overwhelm her or tell her what to do. You want to have a good relationship as the next 8 or 9 years will be hard. Don't pry too much. My daughter and I had problems when she was about 12 , but this solution worked beautifully, and we have been very close since. Try finding a good time for both of you....

Leslie - posted on 02/06/2012

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Hi My name is Leslie I have 2 grown Kids now but My son when he was little he always played against me meaning when I will say No he would go to he's dad and he's dad would say either yes or i don't know then my son would come back and say dad said yes and then it would cause me and my husband to get into it,or it would be vi versa he would do the same with he's dad of telling him i said yes when i haven't,So what we started doing was when my son would say Well dad said i could,I would look at him said oh okay will i'll check with him and ask him so if he says he didn't then lied right? my son would say ok ask him then right when i would get to he's dad i would ask and Our son would say no mom he didn't then i would say oh see Well guess what Now since you lied and did this you lost out on what you wanted too see what happens when you play against us and both my kids would say whatever to us and We also said ok for every time you say whatever to us its a $1.00 off your allowance and if the attitude continues then we took something they like best video games or movies or whatever object they like away from them for few days until they were ready to show respect but i will tell my kids I love you but will not allow you talk to us like this....But also its her age she's going through but still stand at your standards with her once she see's your not falling for her behavior she will realize it she doing wrong...Good Luck..this helped my daughter then my son,which now he lives out on he's own cause he still wanted to disrespect me even at 19 yrs old...but yeah my son did what your daughter is doing he would tell story's to my husband family and play me and he's dad against each other but my husband's family knew differently when he did try and my husband's family would later tell me what my son has said and they knew he was doing it for attention.....((but now since my son has been out on he's own we get along better)) but yeah try using i'll check with one another before giving answer to her for example ok im checking with dad and watch her reaction and have your husband do this with you and you will both see it together))...again Good Luck..

Noella - posted on 02/06/2012

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Having the same problem with not an easy issue to deal with ....im with you on this one I have no idea as to what to do Ive tried everything......

Jodie - posted on 02/06/2012

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First of all, if she's only starting to give you attitude now then you're lucky. I have a six year old daughter and a nine year old son and they've both being giving me attitude for years.



Secondly, the way my hubby and I deal with the 'mum against dad' issue is that you and your partner have to agree that if your daughter asks you something, check with the other parent if they have already been asked and what their answer was if they have. That way you are on the same page, and your daughter can no longer play you off one another.



Thirdly, does your MIL believe your daughter when she tells her that you've smacked her.

Donna - posted on 02/06/2012

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Be patient with her. She is growing up. She's not a little kid, not a teenager and it's a hard age to be. One day she might want to grow up and then the next play with dolls. She is approaching puberty. Sit down with her and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk. Tell her she is not allowed to be disrespectful or she will be grounded. You and your husband need to agree on what she is and isn't allowed to do and always consult the other when she asks to do something. If dad says no and she asks you talk it over in private. Don't let her play one against the other.

Kat - posted on 02/06/2012

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Thank you so much ladies for all this useful information, Ive read some really good strategies to tackle this head on.

I am so greatful for stumbling on this site.

Francine - posted on 02/06/2012

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Welcome to the club of parents with teenagers or teens to be. I know she's only 10 but the tween years are from 9-12 and that's when they'll push bounderies, see how far they can go with you before you start pushing back and let them know what the bounderies/regulations in your home are. After all you are the parent in the household and don't be shy to be firm with them even if it means taking away privileges like cel phones, computer time, allowances, dates they made with friends, any currency you know that your child takes seriously. My 20 year old learned the hard way when he was falling out of line with us at home. We took his cel phone away from him a few times and he couldn't stay in touch with his friends and I had him explain to them why he didn't have his cel phone, talk about embarassment.

Cathy - posted on 02/06/2012

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Good luck.. My daughter was about 12 when she started with the attitude and it only got worse. Shes now 19 and someone please help me..she still hasnt outgrown it.

Kat - posted on 02/05/2012

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lol, your comment made me giggle. Yes lets hope theres some parents out there with advice on 10 year old daughters. Specially for you as you have 2 of them lol

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