Has my babys daddy got any rights if not on the birth certificate ?

Lauren - posted on 01/29/2013 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Hey, im from the UK so dont know how different the rules are over in the states concerning the birth certificate.
The problem i am having is that my babys daddy is a reall waste man and i dont want him in mine or my babys life, he also lives over an hour away so my baby would not be seeing him very often as he dont drive and is very hard for him to get over to me.
I am not putting him on the birth certificate and he says he is going to fight for the baby. I will not stop him from seeing the baby if thats what he wishes but im not letting him take the baby out of my sight to were he lives. Is there anything i can do to stop him from doing this as hes not going to be on the birth certificate?? Any help will be very much appreciated!
Thanks, Lauren

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Jenna - posted on 05/08/2013

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if my baby daddy is not on the birth certifecate does he have to pay child maintenance & he has not got a dna test done ??? is there anything i can do to make him pay for the child

Lacye - posted on 01/29/2013

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I don't know about the UK but in certain parts of the States you can have a custody agreement brought up before the baby is born.

However, it's not your call on whether or not he should see his child. He has just as much right to be in that child's life as you do. You didn't get pregnant by yourself. I don't know the whole situation, but from what you have said on here, he may be a waste but sweetheart you are no peach either. I know this sounds mean, but you need to grow up.

Kelsey - posted on 01/29/2013

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I fully agree with Angela. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and the baby. I tried dumping my ex several times with only the arguments ending with him telling me; he wasn't leaving without "his" son. He had also threaten me several times with, "I'm going to take the baby away from you." One day, my ex took my baby for a day and didn't bring him home on the agreed time. I had called my ex and he told me "I'll have him home when he's home." Luckily, my ex brought my baby home two hours later. After that I took action. I read up on my rights in my state and I called my lawyer. My lawyer advised me, that my ex had as much equal rights as I do and I should go into "hiding." Hiding, was such, I couldn't go out in public. Because if him and I crossed paths, then legally he could take the baby with no one stopping him. My ex knew perfectly where I was, but he was not welcomed on my property or inside my house. I hid in my house for two months until my court date. Like I said earlier, do what's best for your baby but also protect yourself.

Lacye - posted on 01/29/2013

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"Men do not feel attachment to their babies as women automatically do."

BS! The first time my husband held our daughter, he loved her. She had his ass wrapped right around her tiny little pinky! Hell, I'm pregnant with our second child right now and he's already going around bragging about "his boy and his girl" (talking about both kids). Just because a man does not carry a child does not mean he does not automatically love his child.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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they BOTH should have ALREADY have the custody order done, i am not saying that she hand the baby over until then, but HIDING The baby and changing your address and keeping the new address secret (all this you advised her to do) is HORRIBLE advice, she can likely loose her baby WHEN this goes to court... the ONLY sensible advice you gave was for her to seek legal counsel... hiding the father's baby from him, and keeping the father's baby location secret is not a good thing... and your reasoning behind telling her to do so was not accurate to what the poster states

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Amanda - posted on 08/19/2013

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My baby daddy keeps fighting with me ever since we found out I was pregnant, I was with him at the time. Honestly I know so much crap about things some of his family has done and even he had mentioned he did as well, that I don't want my son around him or his family period. He lives over 10 hours away and thinks that every weekend I am going to drive down there to let him see my son. My baby is not born yet and I have not filed nothing yet because in my state you can't do so until the child is born. My point is I don't trust my baby daddy at all. Or the people he hangs around. I'm not putting him on the birth certificate, but he can file for a DNA test all he wants. He tells me I can't stop talking to him when all he does is fight with me and that's wht I comes down to me feeling is I can't freakin stand him. He drives me insane. My plan is to have him pay child support and me fight for full custody. But i dont know how to pursue that, im only 20 an this is my first child.bWhat I need advice on is if I don't put him on the birth certificate, even tell him when I go into labor, or dnt have any contact with him until I speak to a lawyer, (Can he use that against me for anything???) Anybody wanna give a girl advice, Please :) Thanks!!!!!!!

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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If you live in the UK (I'm British too), the baby's father not being on the birth certificate doesn't really have much impact on what happens afterwards if the child's parents aren't married anyway. You can claim Child Support. Paying Child Support doesn't give him the automatic right to have access to the child. But NOT paying Child Support doesn't mean he can't see baby either.

He can certainly fight for his rights but how far he gets is debatable. If it's difficult for him to make a one hour journey, I wouldn't worry too much!

The biggest issue for a lot of single mothers who (rightly or wrongly) don't want their child's father in their lives is the interference of the extended family.

I take it the child hasn't been born yet?

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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poster said, i will not put him on the BC, meaning he wants to be, that he was willing to sign all the legal documentation.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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he didn't threaten to TAKE the baby, he said he would FIGHT for his rights to his baby

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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MOM cannot simply PUT a baby's father on a birth certificate when you are unmarried.
The law does not work that way.

I tried to add my baby's father's name to the birth certificate in the hospital.
They would not allow me to do so without him completing and notarizing additional forms acknowledging that he will financially SUPPORT her.

(I can't list any Joe Schmo on my baby's birth certificate for the state to go after child support on him, with no DNA proof that he impregnated me!)

The father has to sign and notarize (punishable by the law for falsification) a "voluntary paternity acknowledgement" paperwork saying he will be financially responsible for the child WITH the mother also acknowledging that she 100% is sure that he is the biological father (in the U.S).

Then this voluntary form has to be sent in to the state to add his name to the birth certificate, and they have to PAY to file this (in the U.S.)

If EITHER parent is not 100% SURE the baby is his baby, and they sign this the paternity form to get the name put on, they can both get charged legally if he turns out not to be the father and they falsified a federal document.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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Holly,
I stated for her to give dad a safe address (i.e. a way for his attorney to contact her).
Versus him (essentially a stranger that has threatened to take her baby away from her) showing up on her doorstep and there being some physical or verbal altercation or fighting physically over the baby.

If he drinks/does drugs, he might not be in a good state and show up on her doorstep, causing a bad situation for her and the baby.

An alternate address to an attorney when someone threatens to take your child does not constitute going into 'hiding'.
Dad is not established as the parent. Mom has no obligations legally to him whatsoever until he is established as the parent.

Mom is not legally obligated to disclose her address or phone number until paternity is proven.

If he/she was drinking,
if he/she was with anyone else +/- a month from the due dates,
if the due dates are off,
the child could potentially not even be his child.

Her address shouldn't be shared until he seeks to establish paternity.
He has no obligations or rights to her or the child until he is proven to be the father, and she similarly has no obligations to him until such time.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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1)i must have missed where it says he doesn't have a drivers licence...
2) you only ASSUME he has criminal record
3)no documentation of legal guardianships is her fault for not putting him on birth certificate (many people do not own cars, but can find a way to get their baby to doctors)
4)
5)courts usually don't care HOW the baby gets to the father as long as it is done... they may not MAKE the mother pay for his transportation, as long as he is able to get there

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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Additionally,
the baby's dad doesn't have a driver's license per her post.... ?
Lost possibly due to drugs/alcohol or criminal record?

He is not on the birth certificate.
Plus does not have a driver's license.

Does he have a job?

If the baby gets sick or hurt in his care,
dad may not have any ability to get the child medical care due to no driving ability and not having proper documentation to prove he is guardian and can seek medical care for the child.

And mom has to pay to travel 2 hours rountrip to drop baby off, then 2 hours roundtrip to pick baby up for visitation?
I don't know that the courts would go for putting all that burden on her.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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By the way - can I have your baby?

(This is essentially what you are asking Lauren to do - hand her baby over to strangers).

If she hands over her baby to strangers.
If something happens to the baby in their care.
If there is no court order saying she had to allow visitation or that he was the child's father.
She could be charged with failure to protect of the child.

This information was given to me from head of Child Protective Services in my county.

They recommend allowing a trusted party and the father to visit with the baby together when the father is not listed on the birth certificate, or that the child be visited in public place, at a child resource center with staff present, etc. There are alternatives to him taking the child an hour away to his home until his rights are established through court.

If you allow an unfit babysitter to watch your children, and they are injured, you are also partially responsible for leaving your child in the care of someone you did not know and/or trust.
This situation is no different.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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The father should be contacting a lawyer and pursuing his legal rights.
It is not the mother's responsibility to do this for him.

He could have signed a voluntary paternity acknowledgement at the baby's birth to acknowledge the child. It appears he did not do so, otherwise he would be on the birth certificate.

He should have hired a lawyer prior to the child's even being born, to get the paperwork rolling and ensure his rights were protected.

Both parents are choosing to negatively engage each other's emotions.
Guardian ad lidems don't make decisions based on 2 people picking on each other.

The lady that you stated LOST custody could have blatantly ran and left state,may have just been a crappy person or crappy mom, may have been unfit, may have been on drugs, leaving no forwarding address for dad's attorney, not notifying dad of the birth of the child, not notifying dad of the pregnancy, maybe they were married and she ran with the child then, hadn't tried to have discussions with him about the baby (it sounds like she has stayed in contact/is still in contact with the father even with him threatening her).


I have had 3 custody battles.
I have not lost custody of my children.
I have used all of the court assistance available to work through my custody issues.

For her protection, his protection, baby's protection, they need third party assistance.
These 2 people do not know each other and they need help working out a very complex situation and healing from their emotional scars from it. Court can help with that.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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of course a guy will bring up the option of terminating the pregnancy after their one night stand get pregnant... and she says he would prefer to get drunk and do drugs... as she doesn't even know him that well, as she stated shewas just a one night stand. he threatened to fight for his baby... not threatened to take the baby away... that is 100% different... but if she hides the baby, and keeps him away from the baby, and doesn't even let him take his child to his own home, then YES there is a BIG possibility that they will award him primary custody of his child. I have seen it here before a woman complaining that she lost custody of her child after not allowing the father to parent the child away from her home.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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Lacye,
I stand corrected. Your husband sounds wonderful.

My child's father said he did not feel these things you describe.
When I researched, I found articles upon articles stating that men generally did not have the same type of attachment feelings upon birth as the mother's did. (And this is a misstatement on my part, as well, because we all know not all mom's even feel attachment to their own children).

I misspoke - thank you kindly for showing us there are daddy's out there that feel more toward their babies :) You and your children are very lucky :)

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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My suggestions were based on the following:
1. She indicates that he asked her to abort the child.
2. She indicates that he drinks and does drugs.
3. She indicates he has threatened to take her child away.
4. She indicates they have not been able to amicably discuss the child or his relationship with the child due to their differences.
5. I am also under the assumption that he may not have participated in the pregnancy or provided pregnancy or maternal support for the mother during the pregnancy (this in and of itself is considered child abandonment per U.S. laws, as the father has an obligation to provide some legal, financial or emotional support to the woman he impregnated while she is carrying his child). In some cases, parental rights can be terminated solely based on him not being there for her during her pregnancy.

1. It appears emotions are high on both sides. If they continue to be nasty to each other, one or both of them could cause them police or child services contact. They could be arrested for fighting, arguing. Face legal charges. Both could have the child taken from them if they are fighting with each other. Could hurt the child if they push/shove the child while they are arguing with each other. This is neither safe nor helpful to a custody battle. It is better to use lawyers/mediators if emotions are high and people are unpredictable, and also if the father is not sure whether he even wants the child.
2. Neither party has to talk for either of them to pursue custody/visitation arrangements for the child. If they cannot amicably do so, it is in both of their interests to do so through third party. Going through third party does not cause harm to a custody battle. Mediation and courts were created for people who could not work differences out on their own. Guardian ad lidem's are appointed to speak on the child's behalf. The system was designed for cases such as this. If they can't work things out, the system needs to be used.
3. If either party is verbally or physically abusive to each other, the child should not hear or be exposed to this. Arranging alternate communication or alternate visitation arrangements shows that the parents have differences, cannot communicate with each other and but shows that they are still thinking of the child's best interest by keeping the child separated from the fighting and differences and pursuing third parties.
4. We do not even know that the father wants a relationship with the child. If mom has tried to communicate with him, and he is drinking/doing drugs instead of having a mature discussion with her, he may not be a mature parent altogether.
Mom should not have to assess this. If she is uncomfortable and doesn't know dad well enough to determine if he is fit, the courts can assess his drug/alcohol use, assess his maturity, assess whether he is fit, and ability to care for a child, give him skills to parent through parenting classes. These are all tools given when a father petitions for visitation. This is not a bad thing.

5. Her pushing him to visit a child that he may/may not want could cause him to become angry or enraged.
I have been in this situation. I was pushed down the stairs while I was pregnant and trying to get my baby's father to discuss a baby he didn't want.
I put myself and my baby in danger by trying to force him to recognize that he had a responsibility to his child. He didn't want to hear it. I could have been seriously injured, killed, or lost the baby.

Avoiding danger by some guy she barely knows, ensuring the courts make good decisions if he and she cannot do so themselves IS NOT the same as keeping a baby from dad.
Dad can fully pursue whatever he wants, she is not restricting or stopping him from doing so because his lawyer can do this.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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angela, you are actually giving her horrible advice, she is keeping this baby from his FATHER, and if he was to go to court and fight for his baby, with her doing as you state, she could very well loose all rights to her baby

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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Here's what I would recommend:
1. If he is making negative threats, change your phone number for the time being.
He is putting added stress on you and the baby. He is doing this because he is probably nervous or scared. Still, he doesn't have the right to make you miserable or threaten you. Don't let him do so. You are not under obligation to give him your phone number until you have a court custody order/visitation order. You don't have any ties to him nor any obligations to keep contact with him until the child is proven to be his.
2. Give him an address where he/his lawyer can send any court documents or written requests so you would know if/when he pursues any court action for paternity and placement.
3. Do not let him get you emotional, because he can use things you say, text, write, or do against you if he wants to pursue visitation. No ammunition is the best thing you can do for yourself. Get support. Get counseling. If you don't trust him or what he says, use your cell phone to record conversations if you have to exchange the baby with him in the future. You don't have to use the recordings, it is for your piece of mind in case he makes more threats.
4. If he is harassing, threatening violence, threatening to take the baby away, calling you unfit, or any of those things, sometimes it is best to get an order of protection for a time period to keep him from contacting you or the baby. You can still share custody/visitation through a court, family member or babysitter, and write journals to each other to keep each other up on status of the child without having to talk in person or on the phone. If you are both emotional and upset and may say or do things to hurt each other or the law might somehow get involved, this protects you from 'he said' 'she said' where you might get into trouble.
5. Usually things settle down after 1-2 years and most parents iron out custody/visitation, most emotional feelings settle down, and then everything straightens out and becomes routine. Look forward to this time. Don't feel like it will be hopeless forever, because it won't be.
6. Also remember that most dads eventually grow into the role, even if they start out as terrible people and terrible dads. I've personally seen dads clean up drug and criminal habits to be a better person for their child. He might be a bad dad/bad person now, but he might eventually grow up from realizing your child needs him. They could have a very healthy beneficial relationship, but might need help from state agencies or both families for him to learn how to be a healthy dad.

My child's father wanted her aborted. He didn't want children.
He was very scared of her and was not a good dad initially.
He wanted to hurt me and wanted me to miscarry her because he was scared to have her.

It has taken 5 months, but he now sings to her, plays with her, brags to all his friends how great she is, loves her to pieces. It took a lot of patience of people around him, and people teaching him about babies, to get him to feel affection toward his baby and to learn how to be a good parent to her. He still has his moments. I still do not let her be alone for extended periods of time with him because he does at times become frustrated or overwhelmed. That may continue to improve. He is 80% more patient than he was prior to her.

Men do not feel attachment to their babies as women automatically do. It is a different feeling for them - they grow more of a protection feeling after being around the baby for lengths of time than love and endearment and attachment than a mommy feels. It takes time for the baby to grow on them.

The baby has a right to have a healthy relationship with both parents at some point in their life. My friend's mom didn't allow her to have a relationship with her real father. He committed suicide when she was an adult. She said her whole life she felt a hole in her life due to not knowing her dad, even though her stepdad was Mr. Wonderful. Knowing a crappy dad and getting supervised visits leaves less of a 'hole' in a child than not knowing their dad at all.

Protect yourself, protect your child.
Then if he has potential to be a good dad someday, let him pursue it through the courts who will ensure he takes parenting class and that he has a support system to do so.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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In the U.S., the father has NO rights whatsoever to the baby if he does not sign paternity and is not listed on the birth certificate and does not choose to marry you.
Unmarried dads don't have rights until they pursue them in the legal system and prove the child is their child.

I called MULTIPLE attorneys and the police, also called Child Protective Services - they state the same thing.

YOU are the only one currently responsible for your baby, so you are the one responsible for protecting her and keeping her only around safe people.

In the U.S., He DOES have a right to file for paternity DNA testing.
He DOES have a right to petition to get his name on the birth certificate.

In the U.S., his name being listed on the birth certificate STILL DOES NOT give him any rights for visitation to the baby. It states this on the paperwork for paternity and the paperwork for the birth certificates, that his being named father DOES NOT guarantee any custody/visitation.

The name on the birth certificate DOES give you rights to child support in the U.S.
He DOES have the right to pursue DNA testing, getting his name on the birth certificate, then pursuing custody or visitation after he is proved and listed as the father.

In the U.S., the laws are funny concerning parents and unmarried parents on other levels.

If there is no custody order, and he is listed as the dad, but there is no visitation schedule or custody order assigned in a county court.
It seems like if there is no custody/visitation order, him or his parents could take the baby to another state and file all the custody paperwork in a different state without your knowledge if they wanted to, claiming the baby resides somewhere else. Then you would have expenses and major difficulty getting the baby back to your state and the paperwork changed. I have heard others say that things like this happened to them.

So, going by what I have asked lawyers based on U.S. laws, until you have custody paperwork in place, I wouldn't let the parents or grandparents on the other side of the family have the baby unless/until you have paperwork filed so it protects you legally against them taking off with the baby and makes everyone play safe according to the custody and visitation arrangements. Any violation by them would be violation of court order and punishable by law or enforcable by returning your baby.

Protect yourself and your baby first. DO NOT let your baby go anywhere with anyone you don't trust until there are appropriate documents in place to protect both of you.

I was in the same situation - and I was TERRIFIED.
Do not let this terrify you or anyone bully you - call and get appropriate answers from child services, lawyers, they will give you free advice over the phone if you explain your situation.

Lauren - posted on 01/29/2013

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Like i said, i will not stop him from being in the babys life but him threatening to take my baby away is not going to happen. I would not let him take the baby as i dont trust him, he would rather take drugs, go out an get drunk then sit an talk bout the baby. He asked me to get rid as soon as he found out as he an i met on holiday, met up after n only had a fling but i am not someone to get rid of a baby an bein asked to do so is upsetting. He told me he dont want the baby so how am i supposed to react?

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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Dove is exactly right. If you set up custody and child suppport now, you will be better in the long run. and it would be better for the child to HAVE the father in the picture, you don't want to HURT the baby, i know you don't. and to play games like this is only going to HURT the baby. quit playing the who's in control game... because THAT is going to back fire... terribly, either through the court system, or you are going to have a seriously emotionally disturbed child.

Dove - posted on 01/29/2013

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If he wants to be in his child's life the only thing you will do by keeping him off the birth certificate is piss him off and make yourself look bad. Why not put him on the birth certificate and go to court as soon as the baby is born to set up custody, visitation, and child support as amicably as possible. You are going to have to deal with this man on some level for at least the next 18 years.... might as well try to be civil about it.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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in the US all he would have to do is provethat he is the father by doing a DNA test. and you could not STOP This from happening...

that being siad i do not care where anyone is from, if you are trying to keep the father out of the baby's life and he is WILLING to be a father to this baby, i think this is very wrong on many levels, you saw him fit enough to give you this baby, He is not "visiting" the baby, he is supposed to be PARENTING the baby, how is he supposed to do this when he is in your home? he needs to provide for the baby, and take care of the baby, feed the baby, dress the baby, and believe it or not, this baby will grow into a child, then into a preteen, and then into a teen.... what is he supposed to do then? how is he supposed to parent the baby with you watching over his shoulder every minute?

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