Have I completely lost myself?

Kim - posted on 06/24/2012 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I currently have an almost 9 month old and am about 3 months along with baby #2. I have been in and out of therapy and receiving meds on and off for around 9 years now. I have constant racing thoughts, horrible depression, terrible anxiety, I feel like I can't connect with my son and am happy when he's sleeping. I feel like such a let down as a mother, I'm not excited about my second pregnancy, I feel so alone and feel like there is no help out there, even after seeing so many doctors. I don't want to feel this way forever. Is there hope out there?

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Katherine - posted on 06/24/2012

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Sure there is hope. If I may ask, what meds do they have you on? I have fought with depression for a long time. I also had PPD after my first very badly. It was awful! The anxiety, the depression, the crying all the time etc....

After I got the right cocktail of meds I was much better. I have been on them for 6 years now and feel a ton better! Maybe you need to experiment a little? Not now obviously since you're pregnant, but they do have meds you can take while you are.

Keep your head up! You're not the only one.

Tracy - posted on 06/28/2012

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You need to go to a psychiatrist and ask to be tested for being bipolar. The symptoms you have listed and the posts about no meds working and the on going condition are classic signs of being bipolar. Antidepressants do not work on manic depression which is a bipolar condition. Racing thoughts is a Major sign as is anxiety. NO amount of counseling or therapy can change a chemical imbalance in someone's brain, which is what bipolar is nothing more than a chemical imbalance that if treated properly can be quite manageable. Benadryl is safe to take during pregnancy and can help one sleep at night. The major medications (Lithium and Depakote) can not be taken during the first trimester or it can cause birth defects after that it would be at the discretion of your doctors which weighs the mental health of the mother against the health risks to the fetus. If you are in a manic depression it is quite understandable that you have not connected with your son because you most likely feel some resentment at having to take care of him especially if you don't have the energy or ambition to be able to take care of yourself. Bipolar is one of the most misdiagnosed condition in mental health there is simply for the fact that there are two sides to it, the manic and the depression. The depression is the obvious but nobody goes to the doctor when they are feeling good or "manic" because you have all the energy in the world and all sorts of ambition. With being pregnant medication options are limited but I think if you are to be able to finally get a correct diagnosis I think becoming educated about it will in itself help and explain a lot of things. I personally suffer from being bipolar and I don't wish it on anyone but for those that do I hope they get diagnosed as soon as possible because I have at least 20 years of my life that would be SO much different had I known sooner. Best of Luck. Hang in there if you hit bottom there is no where to go but up.

Sneaky - posted on 06/24/2012

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Kim, you sound like a great mum to me! You are looking after yourself and you are worried about your kids - some mums can nit even be bothered doing that so you are ahead of the curve!

I had trouble 'bonding' with my second baby and a nice nurse sat me down and explained - it is not really natural to feel all attached straight away - this is a little human being, and like meeting a new human being at the bus stop, it takes time to get to know them and grow to love them and get used to them! Just because they came out of your vagina doesn't mean that all the feeling and emotions were born at that moment too.

And there is plenty of hope. I promise, you sound like a fantastic mum to me that is doing the best she can. You have no reason to doubt the future.

Stifler's - posted on 06/24/2012

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I remember feeling exactly the same way about my first baby and I was also pregnant with number 2 by then. I was so glad when he was having a nap and scared shitless when he was awake that I was doing something wrong and screwing him up for life. Hang in there.

Teresa - posted on 06/27/2012

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Pamela, with all due respect, this is the 2nd post I've seen of yours in two days that I find more hurtful than helpful. I just don't get the condescension, all the caps and the judgement. If thats the norm I'm sorry for saying this. I am new to participating here. she didn't say she was ON meds she said she's been on and off meds. I joined this group thinking it was a positive place for moms to connect and get advise without being judged. No offense to anyone. Kim, if i were you i would look for a natural path. The stress of 2 young babies will most likely make your anxiety worse. But the good new is that there is hope. if the dr is not helping you then find a different one. Hang in there :)

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Barb - posted on 06/30/2012

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I felt the same way with my first I was so scared and was a single mom had just ended a really bad relationship and was 7 months pregnant.It had had only been in recovery for a few months before I found out I was pregnant. It was hard to deal with and after I had a post partium depression after. In the start when my baby was born I was so scared I would hold her and I loved her but was anixous and sad a lot. There is hope I am on baby number two I am not depressed anymore and my daughter and I are very close and have amazing relationship with her.I still have bad aniexty which makes me forget a lot. Hang in there hun!

Kim - posted on 06/28/2012

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You are not alone, although it is easy to feel that way when you have a little baby and are expecting another.

My daughters are 13 months apart (Irish twins), and I can say I questioned my sanity when they were infants. But looking back, it was wonderful, HECTIC, joyous and hard work, and I wouldn't trade those times.

I made friends with a woman who had two children the same age, and we spent one morning a week at a park. Those visits were life savers. Find someone to share your experiences.

Regarding your meds, don't lose hope. It takes time, but there will be the right combination for you. Also learning a simple breathing technique helps. When you have a minute, close your eyes and imagine every muscle in your body relaxing. Start with the top of your head and work your way down to your toes. Then focus on your breath and listen how your breath fills and empties your lungs. Sit quietly in your breath, which is unique to you, and in a few minutes you will feel better. It doesn't stop your thoughts, but it will give your mind a little break.

Blessings to you, your family, and those two little babies.

Angela - posted on 06/28/2012

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hello...there is always hope...i would try alternative medicine procedure such as acupressure or acupuncture...also try taking a good source of magnesium as it is a natural calming effect on the body...all will be ok

Pamela - posted on 06/26/2012

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First, why are you on ANY DRUG while you are pregnant? Do you realize that you are affecting your own unborn child's system in a negative way as the drugs will certainly go into the child's system as they are developing.

Ever hear of crack babies? What makes you think that your baby won't be just as addicted to a prescription medicine that you are taking for your EMOTIONAL problems?

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go tohese websites and start to help yourself because ONLY YOU can change YOU. No drug, or psychologist or psychiatrist can do that!

Go to http://www.selfworthsummit.com and http://www.jodunning.com. These two sites have EXCELLENT help for self healing. Hopefully you will get OFF prescription drugs that can and will affect your unborn baby negatively.

The highest and best to you!

Julie - posted on 06/26/2012

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There is always hope, if you have a dream. Long term use of psychotropic medications can have emotional detachment as a side effect. This is one reason you may be having trouble connecting with your baby and baby to come. The loneliness can stem from the lack of connection as well. Tell the MD prescribing your meds that you want to be weened off slowly. Then you can start to deal with real emotions in a holistic manner. Even if you can't get off the meds completely..get to the lowest dose possible. Add Exercise, Meditation, girl time, and time to build a bond with your babies.
Not all mother's immediately connect with there infants, so do not judge yourself to hard.
I recommend a talk therapist to help you work through your feelings of depression, anxiety. It won't last forever. However, if you have been struggling for 9 years, give yourself up to 1/2 that amount of time to change it. We are hear for support, if you need to chat.

Tracy - posted on 06/26/2012

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I can't speak for your long term problems and medications because I've never been there. But I can say that much of what you are feeling can be very natural as a new mother - especially with a second on the way so soon. I suppose it's important to make sure that there is some time just for you. The first year is the absolute roughest time with your child. They can't do ANYTHING for themselves. Even with a great support system, many moms find themselves lost and overwhelmed at the demands. My thoughts are with you.

Kelina - posted on 06/25/2012

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for about the first year of my sons life I felt kind of like I was on an extended babysitting gig. Really, this child could not be mine despite the fact I went through an incredibly long labor and delivery and was breastfeeding him. sometimes it takes time to bond, and like others I found that the more he was able to do, the better it got. He's 3 1/2 now and a wonderful little boy no matter what I might think when he's awake (gotta love hormones, I just had number 3 so I'm a wreck!) Now that you're into your second trimester you might see about talking to your doctor to see if there are any antidepressants you can safely take. The one they put me on the first two times and will probably put me on again is zoloft. I know it's safe while breastfeeding not so sure about pregnancy though. Also if you aren't already look into moms groups and counselling. There was a group counselling thing when I had my first that I went to which was helpful and made me feel far less alone in what I was feeling.

Kelina - posted on 06/25/2012

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for about the first year of my sons life I felt kind of like I was on an extended babysitting gig. Really, this child could not be mine despite the fact I went through an incredibly long labor and delivery and was breastfeeding him. sometimes it takes time to bond, and like others I found that the more he was able to do, the better it got. He's 3 1/2 now and a wonderful little boy no matter what I might think when he's awake (gotta love hormones, I just had number 3 so I'm a wreck!) Now that you're into your second trimester you might see about talking to your doctor to see if there are any antidepressants you can safely take. The one they put me on the first two times and will probably put me on again is zoloft. I know it's safe while breastfeeding not so sure about pregnancy though. Also if you aren't already look into moms groups and counselling. There was a group counselling thing when I had my first that I went to which was helpful and made me feel far less alone in what I was feeling.

Kelina - posted on 06/25/2012

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for about the first year of my sons life I felt kind of like I was on an extended babysitting gig. Really, this child could not be mine despite the fact I went through an incredibly long labor and delivery and was breastfeeding him. sometimes it takes time to bond, and like others I found that the more he was able to do, the better it got. He's 3 1/2 now and a wonderful little boy no matter what I might think when he's awake (gotta love hormones, I just had number 3 so I'm a wreck!) Now that you're into your second trimester you might see about talking to your doctor to see if there are any antidepressants you can safely take. The one they put me on the first two times and will probably put me on again is zoloft. I know it's safe while breastfeeding not so sure about pregnancy though. Also if you aren't already look into moms groups and counselling. There was a group counselling thing when I had my first that I went to which was helpful and made me feel far less alone in what I was feeling.

Skye - posted on 06/25/2012

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You may want to look into an infant mental health specialist. They are mental health specialists that focus on helping mothers and children bond. You are obviously doing everything you can to be there for your child, you just have a lot to deal with right now. Good luck! I hope things get easier on you and don't worry every new mom is happy when their baby is sleeping :)

Deanna - posted on 06/25/2012

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Depression is a hard thing to live with because you feel there is no help. Talk to your doctor about your options. Certain meds (Cipralex, etc) are safe to take during pregnancy. Also, you may have to go right into therapy. Feeling detached makes you feel even worse because you don't want to feel like this. Talk to your doctor about a referral.
Take heart in knowing you are not alone!!!

Alexandra - posted on 06/25/2012

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This is perfectly normal. I would suggest for you to get distracted as much as you can: go to the library with your baby, walks in the park, join a mommy's group. Talk to other mommies so that you don't feel so alone. Remember this is just a phase and your babies, the tummy one too, need a happy mommy.
Good luck.

Lisa - posted on 06/25/2012

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I took Prozac safely while pregnant with my second. Something had to be done. It was the only choice, but I still had a healthy, full-term baby after a non-eventful, fairly easy labor & delivery.

Melina - posted on 06/25/2012

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It's the not knowing when things will change that makes it so hard! But you're certainly not alone, I really struggle with babies til they're about 18 months old, before that they're just all work & no relief from the repetitive boredom! Try to be kind to yourself, accept your feelings (feeling guilty about it won't change anything!). I always tell myself at the end off the day that my baby has survived 24 more hours so I can't be doing too bad!

I have been medicated for about ten years & have accepted it will be lifelong. Just take it a minute at a time!

Nicole - posted on 06/25/2012

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Hi Kim: People always told me "appreciate the baby years, they are gone too soon" BUT for me, I found that when my kids were small babies, I was always feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. My house was never clean enough, I could never get anything done on time, get anywhere on time, my mind was always racing PLUS everybody I saw seemed to be doing it better and easier than I was. Honestly, I would go to those "mother goose" type programs where they read stories and sing songs with the kids, and I would be looking around the circle at all the happy moms and thinking "Am I the only one in here who feels like my brain cells are dying by the minute??" And everybody (family, friends, strangers on the bus) wanted to give me advice, which only made me feel worse. Things started to look up for me when I stopped feeling guilty about how I felt, and started turning motherhood into something that I enjoyed, not the parts that everybody else said to enjoy! The truth is, the older my kids got, the more I enjoyed them. The more independent they got, the better and better I felt. The bottom line is, you are not a bad person because you are not 100% geeked about every single minute of motherhood. And I hope you have, or can get, as much support as you can so that you don't have to do it all by yourself. That is not how it is supposed to be done. Having people around you who care about you and just want to help, not criticize, makes a big difference. I always say, "if you REALLY want to help me, shut up and hold this baby!" (or wash my dishes, do my laundry, cook dinner...you get my point)

Kim - posted on 06/25/2012

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Chelsey - Thankyou! That is how I feel, and it's such a relief to hear about other people that do feel the same way. I think I def have PPD. :( I remember taking Wellbutrin when I was a lot younger, I don't remember what effects it caused tho, but thank you very much for your positive response!

Chelsey - posted on 06/25/2012

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Ah, hon, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to sit and stare at your baby and feel like, "Why can't I just be happy? Why does it seem like all the other mothers have their shit together and I'm over here wishing he was gone?"

Yeah, been there. I had bad PPD when my son was born (and actually, one of the many reasons why I won't be having any more kids). I don't know if you have PPD, but it's certainly worth for you to be screened. I also don't know what meds you're on or have tried, but Wellbutrin (sp?) was a freaking life-saver for me.

Also, please know that I didn't bond with my son immediately either. Literally, it took nearly a full year before I was convinced it was a good idea to have him. :-) Seriously! Once he became a little person and was talking and walking and showing preferences (and even a sense of humor), it became more rewarding. I found the whole newborn/pre-toddler stage to just be tiresome; I never enjoyed it, never really understood how other women found it fun, etc. But, that's just me. And hey, maybe that's just you, too. Not all women/parents love all stages of their kids' lives.

My son is 4 now and he's an absolute blast. SOOOOOO much different than a 9 month old. Hang in there, please get some help and assistance (mommy needs a break just as much as anyone) and know that it does get easier and better.

Kim - posted on 06/24/2012

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Sneaky - Thank you! :) It's nice to hear people on here that actually have some positive feedback rather than to bring me down lower, mentally & emotionally. I hope things look up soon, I appreciate the nice post. :)

Kim - posted on 06/24/2012

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Stif - Thank you. I hope it will get better. :( Thank you for reading my post!

Katherine - Currently I just got off my Klonipin which I was taking for the anxiety because it's bad to take while you're pregnant, aside from that I have been on and off of numerous anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, & antipsychotics throughout the years and I still have yet to find something to work for me and everything I was given after my first son was born made me SO tired and feel like I could not get up in the morning to care for him. I feel awful, like sometimes I wish he wasn't here and that is no way for a parent to feel, I know he is a blessing, and I want to see past all of this but it's so hard and I feel so low and like I will never feel the love for my son that I should feel, and on top of it all this pregnancy I'm starting to feel like is a mistake. Hopefully I can find something to work for me!

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