Having a hard time dealing with step child.

Jessica - posted on 02/06/2012 ( 128 moms have responded )

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I'm 24 years old. Me and My boyfriend have been together now 4 years. I've been a caregiver for his biological child since we've been together. But I don't get credit for what I do, instead I'm downed by step child & the biological mother - who in my opinion isn't a mother she was just who gave birth to her and she's an occasional baby sitter. When my boyfriend and his ex wife got a divorce there was a court order that claims that the birth mother is to get the child every other weekend from Friday at 6 o'clock till Sunday at 6 o'clock. And you would think if you were a biological mother and you cared about your child you would do ANYTHING to spend those 6 days out of a month with your child. But no on Friday's when its the bio mothers turn to see her child she has her sister pick her up on Friday afternoon and she doesn't arrive to spend time with her child until sometime Saturday.... Then on Sunday by 2:00 o'clock the child is back at our home. But she's not brought home by the mother instead she's brought home by the aunt of the child. The child is starting to miss her mother and has said that she never gets alone time with her mother. She says that she is always having to spend time with her mother and someone else - and I see it hurts the child more and more in her eyes it's like her biological mother doesn't care for her. And that breaks my heart more than anything. The biological mother has said things to the extent that I'm childish? How am I childish when I'm the one that takes care of your child. Gives her the things that she needs etc. That just makes me ANGRY!



Anyway on to my dealing with the child. I'm pretty much the primary caretaker of the child. My boyfriend works 40 hours a week and gets home about 6:00 o'clock every night (In time for supper and about 30 minutes with his child before bedtime at 8:00 o'clock) I get child ready for school, fix her lunch, fix her breakfast, get her ready for school, do homework with her, bathe her, take her to and from school, fix her supper, get her ready for bed. Basically without me, she wouldn't have anyone that does anything for her. Yes her father works and brings home the bacon so to say and everything else is left up to me. Doctors appointments, Teachers Conferences etc. And needless to say The Biological Mother has never even been to any of these. The child's teacher at school has NEVER seen the biological mother. Anywho me and my boyfriends child don't particularly get along. She doesn't follow directions, She can't remember anything so I'm constantly correcting the things that she does wrong. And she is the type of child that takes criticism as NEGATIVE and she always says that I'm Mean because I'm constantly having to remind her of things and keep her on track. She treats me like crap most of the time. When she gets home from school she comes home and goes in her room and never once talks to me until she wants something like a snack or going outside. She doesn't listen to the instructions I give her. She calls me SHE instead of by my name ALL THE TIME. It's just hectic around this house, and I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one here to save me. Boyfriend doesn't see the way she acts because like I said he's never really here until weekends then he gets a taste of what I constantly deal with through the week and he's frustrated... HELP? Need suggestion on what to do.

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Michelle - posted on 02/06/2012

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Here are a couple of suggestions, first off I believe the child is taking her anger and frustration out on you because she knows and can trust that you will be there for her no matter what, she is angry with her mom but cannot tell her for fear that what little time she is given will be taken away as well. I would strongly suggest that you take her in for some counseling to deal with her anger and help her get through those unresolved issues with her bio mom. Second based on what you are saying she has a hard time remembering and concentrating has she ever been tested for a learning disability, a lot of kids in split families can develop something called ODD which may be what you are dealing with right now. I would have her tested they will either find something or they won't but you will never know if you don't try. and lastly you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with the girl no pressure tell her that you understand that she is angry and maybe it is time you guys talked about it to see if you as her primary care giver can help make things better. She may surprise you and want to talk.

Gwen - posted on 02/07/2012

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Also, as hard as it may be, instead of the constant reminders/criticism/correction, try noticing when she is doing something good. A little praise and encouragement can go a long way. I remember telling my mom that as a kid: "How come you never notice any of the GOOD things I do? You always yell at me for what I did wrong!" I think you and dad need to sit down together w/ the counselor and get on the same page about discipline, etc. It is not fair to you OR your step-daughter. You have no support and she is getting mixed messages.

Leah - posted on 02/08/2012

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You can't take it personally. Feel glad that the child feels comfortable enough with you to be able to get upset with you/treat you badly at times. What that shows me is that this little girl knows that you love her and that you are not going anywhere. After basically being abandoned by her own loser birth "mom", I'm sure she has anxiety that you will do the same one day, or that maybe her dad will. Also, she might psychologically blame you (without realizing it) for the fact that she doesn't see her mom. Even though that's untrue and seems crazy, her young brain can't rationalize as well as an adult can, and maybe it's easier to pretend that you're the bad guy than to accept the fact that her own mom doesn't love her. I hope you don't guilt trip her/constantly remind her of all that you do for her. That would breed resentment from her because it's not her fault she's in this situation. I feel bad for the kid. She doesn't have it easy, she's been let down hard by the person who was supposed to love her the most.. I suggest spending some actual FUN time alone with her, maybe get a hotel room and swim together for a day at the hotel pool. Something special to show her that you love her and you care. That's the only way that I think her behavior will change. She needs to learn to trust you. You need to remember that she isn't an adult, she's just a kid, and a kid who has been through a lot of shit. Sad, sad, sad.

Maren - posted on 02/07/2012

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1- I would sugest family counseling with the BF. He needs to learn how to be a parent, which includes the good and the bad.

2- Plan a girls weekend when dad would be alone with his daughter without you so he can get a better idea of what you go through, and also so he dosn't have you to fall back on.

You need to get him on yourside, it will be eaiser to deal with the step- daughter issue. It needs to be parents against child, not having one parent against the other.

Stephanie - posted on 02/08/2012

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I agree with leah, I am a step child myself in a similar situation and I remember being mean, and moody, and angry. Try not to point out all you do for her, just do it as a mom would, and never talk bad about the other mom. She will appriciate you when she is old enough to realize what you did, every mom experiences that, not just"stand in" moms. A special 'you and her' date might be the perfect idea! And as far as her adhd or whatever, if she only acts that way sometimes, then it's probably just acting out. Frustrations can make you antsy, irritable, forgetful.. I think she sounds normal and I would give her time and love :)

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Andrea - posted on 02/25/2013

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I think so far Leah Derr, has the best feedback on here. I believe yes the child has a lot of mixed feelings regarding the situation. I'm sure it is very stressful to her that her biological mom for the most part doesn't want anything to do with her. I don't believe medication is the way to resolve the situation. I work in a doctors office and a lot of times people are so quick to automatically say they have ADHD. I think a little quality time and love and fun will help tremendously. The child probably feels lost right now not having dad around or her biological mom. I'm sure it is confusing are hard for her to except!

Melissa - posted on 02/25/2013

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Do not feel bad. My stepdaughter is the same way. She is disrespectful, feels everything should be handed to her and she is entitled to it. I have 2 daughters of my own, whom one father passed away 4 years ago and the other one has never been part of my 9 year olds life. They have been raised with manners and discpline. I have been through alot with my own two and we are like best friends as well as mom-daughter. My stepdaughter and I had a great relationship at first (manners, respect, listened) as she moved in with me and her father two weeks after we moved in together. She went home to her mother 3 months later and it has been down hill since. She feels she doesnt have to do chores, she ignores me, she whines if she wants something, she wont say thank you for anything on her own to me but instead has to be reminded and forced to and at that point she rolls her eyes. I do everything, I pay for everything. Dad isnt working so I pay for her clothes, toys, gifts, trips, food. But I am always getting the crappy end. Mom wants me to have nothing to do with schooling but the child was failing before I got with dad and nobody was paying attention to her school work until I kept fighting with them that she needed tutoring. I was told I had no clue what I was talking about. (MInd you my girls are 6 years old and 9 years old). My stepdaughter is 9 also. She cries she wants to spend time with mom so once again guess who argues with dad to give up his weekends from time to time. ( he says the weekends are his and he is not doing it, we have her every weekend and every school break and all summer). I know the feeling you have towards her. She can never seem to remember anything especially if it has something to do with chores. Of course my husband never sees it that way. She is a perfect angel that does nothing wrong. She never cleans her room (he says it is always someone elses mess), she has been caught several times lying about things to get the others in trouble (but he says she never lies). She gets mad because my girls no longer want to play with her half the time. She wanted a pet but avoids taking care of it. Hang in there.

Renea - posted on 02/22/2013

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honestly at this point in time i would have bio-mom barred from all visitation except supervised on given days this keeps her from causing confusion and hurting the child next boyfriend would become husband to make it known we are a family unit not just boyfriend and girl friend and a plan to get the child in line would be carried out by both of us if you are the main care giver try not to Always be the person correcting the child with my kid i found it helpful to back off sometimes and allow her to make choices on her own i even learned to give guided choices where she chooses from from pre-selected items try to get her out of the house sometimes your wearing mom shoes now so try not to call her his child she belongs to both of you

Amanda - posted on 02/21/2013

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Your step daughter might feel guilty about loving you, almost like she's cheating on her bio mom. So, it comes out as avoidance and anger. Plus if the bio mom's living situation is less than great your step may even feel guilty enjoying nice home you and your boyfriend have created for her.

Chelsea - posted on 02/21/2013

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I have read through all the comments. but I haven't yet read how you feel about your step daughter. Do you love her? Do you truly feel like she is your own child? It's. ok if you don't. these things take time. years. I'm a step child. not a step mom. but I'm familiar with the dynamics at play . but if you do love her or you want a better relationship then you need to make she knows that. and be honest. I don't know how old she is but talking to her about the situation is probably necessary. since you've been such a big part of her life for so long you should feel free to discuss this with her directly . although its good to be on the same page as your boyfriend . sometimes a break from the everyday routine can help break the ice. maybe do something fun just you and her. not the same boring required things. but something extra. show her you want to be with her. you may love her father but it sounds like you at least as much time with, if not more.and remember she didn't ask for thus situation. you can't control her relationship with her Mon but you can be there when she needs you even if she can't admit it.

Mercedrly - posted on 02/20/2013

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hi jessica, i know your post is past a year but im having the same problems as you once did. Assuming you have taken the necessary measures to resolve your situation. However, i need advice. i had been living with my boyfriend for 3 month last year and then he got custody of his 10 year old son soon after. His son and him had resided with me and my 2 kids for about 9 months has been severely rude and disrespectful, he has even lifted his hands at me. the kids is 5'0...(:-x) and he wishes my 7 year old daughter dead. Until i threw in the towel and sent my boyfriend his rude disrespectful son and his disgusting BM out of my life. but i love my boyfriend and would like him back but without his son. Does that make me a horrible person? The boy may out grow this stage but is it worth jeopardizing my well being and my kids well being? My boyfriend keeps promising me change but i feel that the kid wont and i will end up kicking them out of my house again...Any suggestions?

Ashley - posted on 10/28/2012

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michelle, i also just read the site you posted on here, and i too need to thank you. i haven't even heard of ODD until you brought it up on here. my son was diagnosed as ADHD and Bipolar over the summer. although i never thought he was ADHD. the doctor he is now seeing doesn't believe he is ADHD either, and had me ask his teacher to fill out a questionairre. he has never had any problems in school and all of his teacher's have loved him, and never had anything bad to say. however, everywhere else, it is a differant story. my son had every single sign mentioned on the ODD link you posted. and now i can't wait to go back to the doctor and discuss this with him. maybe my son can finally get an appropriate diagnosis! thank you soooo much!

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Divorce Decrees are in place for a reason and it sounds like the biological mother is in defiance of hers. I would look at taking her back to court.



Second. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't really know what to do and so he also be giving up on caring. This is, and will continue to effect you and your child.



If you are able, get your step daughter into counseling and get into counseling yourself. It is okay to learn how to set and enforce boundaries about what is acceptable behavior on her part. You will need to be sure that your boyfriend is on board. If you are unfamiliar with boundaries look at Cloud and Townsend' book, "Boundaries with Children".



Give it some time (maybe 1-2 years), but keep in mind some people do not want to change. If you find that change is not happening, you may need to look at strategies for you to make changes that ensure you and your child's future happiness and well being.

Pamela - posted on 10/15/2012

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You are the adult and if what your doing is not working you need to change something. If you are expecting a child to appreciate you because you do things for her and for "correcting the things she does wrong" you are not going to get that. Kudos for taking care of this child but I would suggest some parenting classes and some compassion.

Consuella - posted on 10/15/2012

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You have two options here.....You can STAY or you can LEAVE. If you decide to stay, you will need to redirect your energy towards the issues in your household and not towards the absent parent. Remember, you can only control what's within your power. I recommend having a sit-down, one-on-one, heart-to-heart with your boyfriend on how you're feeling inside and what you would like to see happen WITHIN your home, including his lack of connection with his daughter. You may not agree with me on this, but the real victim is the child. She is longing for a mother/father love and, according to you, she is missing both. Children need more than just shoes, clothing and a roof over their heads, they want, and need, real love. Excuse me for saying this, but your email doesn't sound like you're doing your "motherly duties" out of love for the child but more so for your boyfriend. At age 24 it is very difficult to take on such a huge responsible single-handily. Ask yourself if this is what you really want out of this relationship. If no, then leave and offer your assistance with his daughter when YOU have the time and desire to do so.

Stay positive and enjoy life to the fullest!

Aimee - posted on 10/14/2012

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I wonder how old your daughter is? I have a different take on this situation ... what if your daughter is acting this way because you are the only person she really trusts. She cant treat her mom like crap because then she has a chance of mom not wanting her anymore. Dad is not around near enough. You are the only person that she can take out all her anger on. Rock and a hard place! I suggest getting her counselling ... what a sad place to be in. This woman who owes her nothing steps up and becomes a parent. Her mother the one person in this world who you are suppose to matter to cant take time out to spend just quality time with her. My heart truly hurts for her. I would also get her a private journal. One where she can write whatever she wants and nobody can judge her or read it! How about dropping in a few more I love you's and wow you are doing a wonderful job, i loved how you did this, or would you mind helping me do this or that. I really appreciated all your help. Have a girls day once a month and put all your focus on her order or make her favorite food, watch her favorite movie, get your nails done. I think your daughter will appericate you more then you will ever know!

Shell - posted on 10/11/2012

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To LuzMaria Fallon:



I need the same advice... (btw we live in a county where EVERY lawyer we've talked to says... oh my... that is a tough one. VERY favoring of bio moms even if the Dad is a better suit) my situation is as follows:

I have become soo angry. And I don't know how to "get over it". My husband and I have been together since my ss was 1yr old. My hubby and I had soooo much garbage on the bio mom that we went for custody (hoping for full but would settle for joint). Through the process we had the bio mom's BROTHER and even her best friend testify FOR US. After driving drunk, crashing, blacking out and not calling the police (which she admited in court). MULTIPLE boyfriends and moving around. Letters from daycare's telling how much she owed them (4) and a letter from them stating that we provided the child with proper attire (shoes coat mittens hat etc.) and that WE attended mothers day and fathers day parties. She has admitted to having PSYCHOSOMATIC (which means in YOUR HEAD) blackouts. She is ALWAYS in pain or some state of disrepair. Even after going to a court appointed psychologist (whom FAVORED US) and a court appointed investigator (whom FAVORED US). And I'm probably missing a few things...... why why why did we get joint legal only. ALL WE WANTED was more time with the kid and to have him be in a home that has rules, manners, ethical values where we play with him not stick him in front of movies or bond while playing call of duty (REALLY???? a 5 year old playing call of duty? That isn't good parenting!!!) My hopes were so high. Then crushed and now almost a year later.... he is turning into her. We only get him every other weekend and on Wednesdays. He has had such horrible temper tantrums.... like he was3 again. He argues about EVERYTHING (becuz he is all owed to at her house and she just "talks to him about his feelings" never disciplines him. Anyway...... I'm venting. I'm so angry. I'm afraid she will be setting him up to follow in her shoes and be a complete failure. I'm afraid we don't have enough time with him to be able to help him be the best that he can be. To all you Step moms who have the sk's full time, you don't know how lucky you are even though you may have to share every other weekend with a not-so-fit parent. In my case the not-so-fit parent has the child most of the time. Thanks for listening. Any ideas for coping? Obviously the bio isn't going anywhere and I'm in this with my husband for the long haul.

Haley - posted on 10/10/2012

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okay, im 13 now and my dad and his girlfriend got together when i was 6. well needless to say i just came home and his girlfriends clothes were everywhere in our living room. i thought nothing of it. then i walked in his room looked at him and i seen her child's pictures all over the walls where mine and my brothers had been. well that night she came back and when she came back my mom saw her. my mom was married to this guy named Wes. later that yer i moved in with my mom. the reason why i did is because i didn't like my dads girlfriend. i just didn't. i eventually moved back in with my dad because my mom had messed up alot of things in her life. well, me and my step mom got into many fights. and still to this day she is childesh about things and i am alittle to. but anyways.



i moved back in with my mom and we lived in an apartment then moved to a house. me and my mom had never been close when we were younger and i never seen her because she was a teen and trying to live her teen life and was always getting in trouble and i miss her alot now because i never see her, and it scares me because i know that i can remeber her now its just sometimes hard to when we didnt have the best memories. but my dads girlfriend is now 23 and we dont get along. and she trys to treat me like im hers but i dont see it like that bc she isnt my mom. she is my dads girlfriend. and i can give her respect but she expects alout with out her giving any back and my pollacy is that if you dont give me respect i am for sure not gonna give you respect. and thats why we fight because everything has and is always about her and she never trys makeing it about anyone else. and like even at my vollyball games she will flipp out then she will be like well when i played basketball i didnt do a whole lot of mistakes and im sitting here thinking well guess what this isnt basket ball is it NO and i dont even know anymore. im kinda just fed up with the lack of disrespect i get when i give her my full attention.



it gets annoying. so thats something to think about all of you step moms and dads girlfriends. put yourself in the other persons shoes and not your own

TJones - posted on 09/16/2012

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I think you should let the school know of what is going on and see if a counselor can talk to her. the counselor may get more information out of her if she or he talks with the child. The counselor can also make arrangements to get the child evaluated for depression or things such as ADHD.

Amanda - posted on 08/16/2012

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When she treats you bad, don't do anything for her. Then tell her father why you did not feel the need to. That's how i deal with the step child. I am going through the same crap...

CHERYL - posted on 08/10/2012

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WHEN I HOOKED UP WITH MY HUSBAND, I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE HELPING HIM RAISE HIS KID. I RAISED 4 CHILDREN WHICH ARE GROWN WITH THEIR OWN KIDS. THE DRAMA STARTED WHEN MY HUSBANDS EX-WIFE FOUND OUT ABOUT ME,,AFTER THAT HE COULDN'T SEE HER ANYMORE UNTIL HE TOOK HER TO COURT. THEN DRAMA BEGINS,,,,,MY STEPDAUGHTERS MOM HAD HER TELLING EVERYTHING THAT WENT ON IN OUR HOUSE, EVEN ASKED WHAT STREET WE LIVED ON AND THE ADDRESS. THE EX DIDN'T WANT ME TO DO HER HAIR , IT WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING WHENEVER THE CHILD WENT HOME TO HER MOM , AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW THE EX WOULD CALL AND SAY " SHE TOLD ME THIS , SHE TOLD ME THAT,,,SO SAD. I'M JUST OVER-WHELMED WITH ALL OF THE NONSENSE. FROM THE AGE OF 6 YEARS OLD TILL PRESENT , IT'S BEEN A BUNCH OF BULL. THE DAUGHTER STARTED GETTING IN TROUBLE BY HER DAD FOR REPEATING THINGS THAT WE SAY AND DO , SO THE DAUGHTER TOLD HER MOM SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE ANY MORE. WHEN SHE STOP TELLING HER MOM THINGS , HER MOM WOULD THREATEN HER, SAYING IF YOU DON'T TELL , I'M GOING TO WHOOP YOU. IT GOT SO BAD THAT MY STEPDAUGHTER TOLD HER MOM THAT SHE WANTED TO KILL HERSELF. THE MOM TOOK HER TO COUNSELING , AND IT HELPED HER A LOT. THE THING IS . AFTER ABOUT 6 MOTHS, MY STEPDAUGHTER JUST WOULD RANDOMLY TELL HER MOTHER ANY AND EVERYTHING. HER MOTHER TAUGHT THIS CHILD HOW TO BE LIKE THIS , AND THE CHILD IS SUFFERING FROM IT WHILE THE MOM GETTING HER KICKS OUT OF IT. ME AND HER DAD ALWAYS SITTING HER DOWN AND TALKING WITH HER , SHE CRY ALL THE TIME...I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN THIS NONSENSE , THE MOM DON'T SEE THAT SHE'S HURTING THIS CHILD, THEN I'M SO FRUSTRATED THAT I JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER OR AROUND HER SO SHE WON'T GET IN TROUBLE. I TRY LEAVING SO I CAN GET A PIECE OF MIND,,,THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME ,,I'M 48 YRS OLD AND DON'T NEED ALL OF THIS DRAMA IN MY LIFE..DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANY LONGER....

Becky - posted on 03/17/2012

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to all those with ODD/ADHD kids. If your child is at the top of their class they may just be gifted and bored. My son is in 3rd grade and we are just figuring this out. If your child can sit and talk or sit and be patient if they are interested in a subject that is NOT ADHD. Please just research it. There are serious side effects from medicating your child and if it is as simple as giving them something they LOVE daily why would we medicate.

Merideth - posted on 03/12/2012

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Hey ladies. From reading many of your posts, I have a book that will take all the emotion and drama out of getting daily tasks done which will reduce the resentment we all are dealing with. My sons counselor recommended it and it does help. Not rocket science and although I already knew the technique there were some things that I was doing wrong that I didn't realize I should be handling differently. Your relationship with your children step or otherwise will improve...this is worth the fast read!! The book is called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan...get the Revised 4th edition!

Janel - posted on 03/09/2012

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"She doesn't follow directions, She can't remember anything so I'm constantly correcting the things that she does wrong. And she is the type of child that takes criticism as NEGATIVE and she always says that I'm Mean because I'm constantly having to remind her of things and keep her on track."



"She treats me like crap most of the time."



Sorry, but it does sound like you are mean. Would you like to be treated this way? Criticism is negative. I get that the situation with the bio mom is lousy. Someone needs to love this kid. Start giving her some positive feedback. Say thank you, good job. You are the adult, you have to change your behavior first.

Julie - posted on 03/03/2012

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@LuzMaria - Wow! Almost same situation here. I have 2 bio-sons and 2 step-daughters. Their bio-mom would blow all of these stories out of the water and then some, she is such a huge piece of you-know-what. My hubby never wanted to take her to court because he knew she would fight til the end. To make a really long, sad story short, from the 1st time we took her to court in April 2011 until October 2011, we immediately got joint-custody, in August 2011 we got full-custody and in October 2011 she lost all visitation. Go to court. The courts will decide in the best interest of the children, not in who has the most money for attorneys. Keep event logs of every little thing...start before you take her to court so you have a long laundry list against her off the bat. Record all interactions with bio-mom, between you and her, between her and dad and between her and the kids. Record all things the kids says, times of exchanges, condition of children upon receiving them from her, notes from teachers, copies of progress reports, immunization records, any dirt you can dig up in the court system! If you can get any allies from her side of the family, more power to you! We did all our court battles with NO attorney and never thought she'd lose the girls! ASK FOR A GUARDIAN AD LITEM to be appointed to the children!!! The GAL will do an extensive interview with both parents, visit both homes and talk with you and the children. They will pull criminal, CPS, medical, mental health and school records on parents and kids. Also, we talked a LOT to court facilitators, whose job is at the courthouse to provide legal guidance in family law matters. They will give you all the paperwork and tell you how to fill it out, they will go over it for you before you turn it in, and offer any advice they are allowed to and sometimes with a wink and whisper will offer their two-cents about things they are not supposed to. ;) Here in WA it cost $20 to see them ($10 if you receive state assistance) and they will usually initial the receipt and let you come back once more in 10 days. We applied for a fee reduction right off the bat and got the Parenting Plan fee reduced from $250 to $20!! And that $20 payment is linked to our case number, so any court proceedings involving the Parenting Plan, GAL reports, child support, visitation, etc are included in that fee! The only other money we have paid is the parking meter, 50-cent copies at the courthouse and copies of bio-mom's and her boyfriend's criminal records! It's a long, tiring battle, but it is worth it for the kids!! Now she can't play any more games with us! The saddest part of this whole battle is coming to the realization that she only wanted those girls for the extra money they brought in for her: food stamps, child support and tax returns. She lost the 1st two and then only got to claim one child. Now she has to PAY to get very expensive drug testing done over the course of 6 months and she has chosen to not pay for that. She could also have supervised visits but would have to pay $50 a visit. She will soon be paying child support. She has since given up. She told her one of her sisters that she is fine with only talking to them on the phone on the weekends. (She doesn't even call every weekend, maybe once or twice a month!) The girls know mom has made choices that have taken her away from them and they hate her. They never want to see her again. And I feel everyone's pain with the behavior! I am dealing with years of hard-wired undisciplined behavior. They never had to clean up after themselves or suffer consequences for their bad behavior. Now they have little snotty princess attitudes. She also didn't teach them how to clean themselves and I am constantly on "pantie patrol" and having to supervise showers and baths because they do not clean themselves, even after all these months with us. The youngest came to us at 5 years old not knowing any letters of the alphabet, any number, how to hold a pencil or how to write her name. She is now suffering immensely in Kindergarten and undergoing a special education evaluation. I have never been able to have a mature and intelligent conversation with bio-mom. Their mom hates me and will have nothing to do with me. If given the opportunity, she would surely poison me. Over the summer, I would send home worksheets I printed off the internet for the youngest to trace her name, letters and numbers and the girls came back several times saying "Mom said those worksheets were stupid and threw them away!" =( The youngest also has asthma and bio-mom would always forget to leave her inhaler and nebulizer with us! I finally took them to their pediatrician and told her this and she wrote an RX for us to have both at our house as well. Oh and that manipulate witch called the girls doctor AFTER we got full custody and took both their father and myself off their records as persons legally allowed to seek treatment! I found this out when I took the oldest in for an ear infection and bladder infection and they tried to refuse treatment! I WAS LIVID!!!!!! Ok my stories could continue into the night, like how she used to call and tell me she slept with my husband in my bed while I was at work and was pregnant with his child, but then I'd fill up even more space!!! LOL Good luck to you ALL!!! Stay strong and remember the best interests of the children!!! ♥

Jo - posted on 03/02/2012

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Children who lose their parents for ANY reason feel an awful pain of abandonment. Their brains aren't developed enough to deal with the pain of that so they act out until they're old enough to understand better. Heck, I'm 62 and I still feel pain at times when I think about my dad not being in my life from age 5 to age 18. She just needs a lot of love and understanding and she'll come around.

User - posted on 03/02/2012

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Hang tough! The bio mom sounds alot like my stepdaughter, she gave up custody of her daughter to the father, and has practically disappeared from her life now. She moved 3 hours away , and makes all kinds of excuses why she can't see her , blames the father etc.

Believe me, when this child is older, and I mean grown up, she will look back on her life. And it is you she will look up to, for being there for her. Alot of her acting out is probably just alot of insecurity about her mother's absence too. Have you tried just taking one after school day a week, and take her somewhere special, for some "girl time", let her know how much you want to be a MOM to her, and set rules and boundaries, and consequences when she breaks them. She is testing you , yes! It will get easier as the years go by........Keep your chin up, raising kids is the hardest job in the world!

Megan - posted on 03/01/2012

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Well honestly I think she's acting this way because in all retrospect from what you said, you are her mother. My son is 5 and does all the same stuff. She is testing your boundaries and your resolve. Sit her down and tell her that you love her and that you aren't going anywhere no matter what she does. You aren't there to take her away from her mom instead she's lucky because she now has two moms who love her very much and want what's best for her. My dad was a step-parent to my older siblings. My brother was a total tool to my dad growing up and still is he's 35, my sister on the other hand gets along with him just fine and realized she had an extra parent to play against the other ones, she was ecstatic when her dad remarried too. Good luck, you're doing great.

Maureen - posted on 03/01/2012

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You need to sit her down and explain that you are not trying to replace her mom and that she should always love her mom. Ask her to try and see if you two can find something that interest her. It's tough and I went through it at first but now my step daughters are just wonderful and we get along great. If you just work at it in a positive way it will turn out okay. Don't give up or get mad at her, just try to understand. Good Luck!

Jessica - posted on 02/29/2012

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my stepmother raised me! she was always there for me like you are for your boyfriend daughter! just remind her that you love her and always be there for her. a real mother take care of her child like you are doing. it take time to get along with each other. my stepmom is my best friend!

Kirsten - posted on 02/29/2012

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You mirror my position as a stepmom almost exactly. My husband works a lot as well and so I am the primary caregiver for my SS. I'm home when he gets home from school, help with homework, drive to extracurriculars, tutoring, make dinner, put both our kids to bed- everything a mom does. But no matter what I do for him, it will never be as good as the few things his mother does for him. My involvement in any sort of way is invasive to him because he feels I am replacing what his mother won't be for him. So he feels the resentment towards me because it is easier than feeling it towards her. I reached a point where I felt so resented by my stepson it was just hard to feel support in my efforts. What I can tell you I have learned is that it is important for the dad to be involved. When he sees my husband more involved in homework and openly sharing the same views on expectations and discipline it takes pressure off of me and gives us more opportunity to talk on a more real level instead of me being after him all of the time.



My advice would be to encourage your boyfriend to be more involved. If he gets home at 6 isn't that 2 hours of together time before bedtime? My husband also takes time to spend one on one with our son at bed time so they have an opportunity to talk and bond. I bet that would go a long was with your daughter. Try not to take your stepdaughter's resentment personally. She has a lot of feelings about what is going on and confusion about the relationships she has with her parents right now. Appreciate those feelings and let her know that you do- it will go a long way in the long run. She may not always appreciate what you do now, but she will remember the memories that are created today. She may just need to feel stability and knowing that she has someone that will always be supportive no matter what.

CIndy - posted on 02/29/2012

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Oh my you have your hands full. Guess my first question though I'd how old is the child?

Rachel - posted on 02/29/2012

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I have to say that I agree with Michelle that she is taking her frustrations out on you because she knows you'll be there regardless..... it's very frustrating to be a step parent but you can also show some tough love and get your point across. Don't make her lunch and breakfast. Let her do it herself. Anything she can do, make her do it, and if she doesn't then she can go without. it's very frustrating for any girl to see another woman taking the role of mom when their own mom refuses to. eventually, she will see what you do for her and be grateful for it, but it will take a long time before that happens. good luck my dear, we're all here for you to vent your frustrations!

Terrie - posted on 02/29/2012

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She is acting out and pushing her boundries. It does. Not help that dad is not giving much help. Pqrenting class and counseling would not be out of line here. You can ask the school for help. Your boyfriend needs to be a part od this biological mom needs to be a part of this too but she does not have to attend at the same time you and your boyfriend do. Parenting classes do help. My usband and I have been through them.

Christal - posted on 02/29/2012

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Sounds to me like shes acting out cause she never had a solid parent around her, besides you. But to her your just dads girlfriend. In her eyes your not her "mother". Just stck with it. Constantly remind her that even though your not her bio mother you lover her like your own, and it hurts you when she does certain things. How old is she? Hopefully It will get better.

Sandi - posted on 02/29/2012

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I have 3 daughters of my own, ages 25 20 and 10 and 1 stepdaughter age 14. I sometimes find myself as frustrated as you. She is Daddy's little girl and can do no wrong. I have to remind myself constanly that she is just a child and none of this is her fault. What needs to change in my family dynamic is Dad not daughter. I find this womans advice very helpful, I have never ordered the actual program but I get an email occassionally that seems to deal with whatever it is I am going through. http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/stepch...

It is hard especially with Dads and daughters. For me it takes changing my whole approach. I have to smile when I don't want to and understand that I am the adult. I agree with counseling for the whole family. Just because she is acting out does not make her the problem.

Michelle - posted on 02/29/2012

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You didn't mention how old the girl is, but one of the first things to do is to realize that the stepdaughter is not to blame for her poor attitude toward you. In all likelihood she is feeling abandoned by not only her mother, but her father as well. From an adult perspective the roles you and her father have around the house make perfect sense to you, and may ultimately be in her best interest. But if he has given you the bulk of doctor appointments, teacher conferences, etc where does that demonstrate to the child that she has significance for him? I think it is important for her to spend one on one time with her dad, as well as the three of you spending time together to give her a sense that she is a part of the two of you. Put aside your feelings about the way her mother is handling the situation. By you being the primary caregiver, the hostility you feel will certainly be communicated to the girl. When you are "constantly correcting the things she does wrong" - just from the way you stated it, I would take your correction as negative. Your situation isn't an easy one. I agree with the responder who mentioned The 5 Love Languages of Children. It may help you to learn how to motivate this child to do things in a way that you both can agree with. As this child is trying to discover who she is and who she will become, it looks like you will be the primary example she has to follow of a what a woman is and what a woman does. Women are nurturers, we pick up in the places where others (male or female) drop the ball, we get hurt, we overcome.

You and your boyfriend need to have a heart to heart as well. You need his help, realistically it isn't enough that he's bringing home the paycheck. He got primary custody and you have by default it seems, received the primary responsibility. He is the one who should be giving you kudos and recognizing all that you do for his daughter. As a child, depending on age of course, these things just don't necessarily occur to her. And in all truth, she probably resents that it is you and not her mother or her father who is doing this for her. Children are certainly resilient and they will get past many childhood hurts, but while they're in the midst of them they're in a learning process of just exactly how to get past these hurts. You sound like you need some "Jessica" time. Time to step away and regroup. You can do this. You have been doing this. The best to you.

Monique - posted on 02/29/2012

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i understand what your going through. when my boyfriend i got together i already had a 1 kid and he had 2. i already was close to the kids and didnt think it would be a big deal, i was wrong. about the time we moved in together thier mother stopeed coming around. his daughter thought it was my fault that she didn't see her mom. It takes a lot of work raising any kid, biological or not, and most kids dont listen. i would start with sitting down with her and writing down rules for the house and what the punishments for braking the rules. also a list of things that she is expected to get done in a day. then i would try do get her to spend time with her, making braclets, cookies,or anything that appeals to her age. make sure to let her know you take care of her because you want to. weather she knows it or not she needs you, not just for making sure she's cared for but for helping her deal with her mother not being there.

Carlee - posted on 02/28/2012

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Oh and for the people who say we knew the child was there when we started dating their dad....we NEVER expect the challenges that come. Maybe that's naive, but that's how it is. Then you start caring for the child and feel like you are a bad person when the challenges come and you have STRONG desires to just bail. Just pointing that out!

Carlee - posted on 02/28/2012

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Ok, the first reply was my (step)daughter. Now from the mom perspective. It has taken a LONG time to get to where things are ok, lots of changes and lots more to come. People kept telling me over the years, when she gets older she'll know who really took care of her. I didn't believe them and made lots of mistakes. I will always feel some resentment towards her for her mom and her dad not being the primary parent, I am. But this is what I have chosen. When she was younger I couldn't tell her if I made a mistake; she would throw it back in my face. Now if I tell her when she made this mistake, I made that mistake (namely yelling. I'm a yeller.) and she's more accepting of what she was getting yelled at in the first place. But the biggest advice is to 1-make the decision to be there or not. 2-Love the child always. She's not always getting it from her mom and dad like we wish they would, even though her dad does love her. 2 books that helped me were Personality Plus by Florence Littauer, because I couldn't understand why she wouldn't listen/follow directions. Turns out she has a different personality than me and I just didn't get that before-she'll never be like I want her to be. The other book is 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman (also 5 Love Languages, the original book is geared toward couples.) Even reading those books, I don't always do everything they say, even though they've helped. I'm human. I take things personally. I get offended. But it helped her become closer to me. And it's helping with respect. She has a hard time understanding she is NOT the adult in this household. But definately work on your relationship with her dad, too. The best thing you can do for your kids (and you are her parent at this point) is to love your mate. You two would hopefully be together long after she's gone. I could go on and on but I think my point's been made. Definately check out those books and GOOD LUCK!

Marissa - posted on 02/28/2012

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Leave him it NEVER changes. I have TWO step daughters and i have been with my husband for 10 yrs and to this day things are the same way they have always been. I have always told myself things will change but they dont. if you are unhappy now you will always be. Wait until that child is a teenager :( it will be 100 times worst.

Merideth - posted on 02/28/2012

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What an intelligent and well spoked young lady Karlee is! Thank you for writing to all of us. Sounds like you had to grow up a little too early and face very adult situations like many of our children in similar circumstances. Sounds like your stepmom has done a wonderful job! Keep up the good communication and I will try to heed your advise.

Carlee - posted on 02/28/2012

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I'm thirteen years old and my stepmom showed this to me because it came through her email. Her and I had the same problems... I have the SAME situatuon, almost exact. My stepmom first moved in when I was seven.. After they got married I was trapped almost, in my own world.. My biological mother had only got to see me for six hours on EVERY OTHER Sunday at my gradma's house.. I always used to take critisism as negative. I have been in Junior High for three years and my teachers have never deen my biological mom. All the teachers I have had, the staff in the office, and community ed. have all seen my step mom though. My dad works untill 6 and I always used to be negative toward my step mom. I used to cry to my dad in provate and say I wanted her gone. I couldn't handle it. I felt like they wer both turning against me. I had no clue that they were only teaching me my good morrals.. Before my step mom and dad got married I had no rules what so ever, I was rud, immature, childish, cranky, and basically a full blown out SPOILED WROTTEN BRAT. My step mom wasn't perfect, and niether was I.. After a while we started counciling, that didn't work because I couldn't trust the counciler's.. They bugged me, so I decided to get a new one.. I had four or five before we quit going. None of the counciling helped. What we weren't realizing is that we had to sit down and work together, and pull together as a family. We started habing "family meetings" they explained to me that the nonsense needed to stop. I used to through fits, back talk, cry, scream, slam doors, and I was filled with hatred and angry towards everyone in my house. After a short peroid of time, I quit seeing my biological mother... She would come in and out of my life.. She didn't want kids, she didn't want to settle down, she wanted to run off and party. She thought she could come back whenever she wanted and I wouldn't be heartbroken.. Sorry mom, things don't work that way.... I used to cry every night to my step mom and dad... They slowly told me hidden secrets about her. It has been almost eleven monthes since I have seen my biological mother... No phone calls at all from her, after two months approx. from not seeing her I started calling, me trying to be the parent, and I texted her... I know her number hasn't changed because I recently saw her at a funeral for like an hour.. She acted like everything was fine. Since then she hasn't called me or tected me or even a simple EMAIL of Facebook message. I realized for me, that it was time to "man up"... if you will take my silly metaphore.. I decided enogh was enough.. I wasn't going to play games and get pushed and bullied by my own mother. We haven't had conteact since then. Last year, 2011, I called on Christmas to talk to my youngest siblings and my biological mom answered like everything was fine.. Even when she hadn't even called me on my birthday.. She said she would send me something... which was a lie... it is now February 2012 and I haven't recieved anything. I have learned in so much experience, and to tell your step daughter, after the hardest point, it really only gets easier.. Maybe slowly but it does.. Anyway all this drama got to my step mom and my mom and my mom called my step mom mean hatred words and basically brain washed me to think she was the evilest person on Earth.... WRONG, I was..It turned out that working together and having little talkes sitting on the couch and listening to eachother's side of the story brung us together... I admit it.. I am not the ideal teen/child... I still have improvement on myself...definatley... but I really enjoy just simply talking to my step mom and working out our problems face to face. Not through my dad... Family "team work" is really what helps.. Yes, yes your family will annoy you at times, even the littles things, but in the long run... it is all WORTH it... I hope my advice helps... I know your probably thinking, " Really a teenager? Come on.. What does she know?" But I went through the SAME thing... Yes it is hard.. But truthfully, talking out when everyones around, getting your feelings out and making sure everyone knows your feelings, helps to see things.. Maybe things about your step daughter you never even knew she had bottled-up.. (:

Carly - posted on 02/28/2012

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I literally am going the the EXACT SAME thing!! It's kind of relieving knowing that I am not the only one. We have my step son in counseling and the counselor has said that instead of me correcting every wrong behavior, try to praise all the good things that he is actually doing. Also, I go to counseling myself now to try to relieve the built up anger and frustration that I have. It was very hard for me because I thought I was doing EVERY thing imaginable to get him to like me and behave for me and it still wasn't working but the counseling is really helping so give it time.

Lisa - posted on 02/28/2012

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I have raised 2 step children in this same situation they are now 19 & 21.I took complete care of them from the time they were 18 mos& 3 yrs. Their mother quit coming around at all when they were 6&8. My step daughter was 12 before she appreciated me & today it is like she was my own child. My step son never did appreciate anything & feels like it is my fault his mother quit coming (not true).My husband never helped out & never appreciated it until we separated & he had to deal with them on his own.One thing that caught my attention in your story was your comment she can't remember anything (typical childs behavior) & you are constantly correcting her. You might want to not take her behavior as a personal attack you do have to be the bigger person & put yourself in her position. She probably does resent her mom not being there & is probably dealing with a lot maybe you should consider counseling for her. You should insist she call you by your mane & treat you with respect but you need to make sure you also treat her with respect. You are young & it sounds like don't have any children of your own so you may have unrealistic expectations where she is concerned. If your boyfriend appreciates your help that needs to be enough for you if he doesn't I would run. You also need to examine if you feel you can fill this role you have excepted it's not the kids fault & if you feel resentment you need to do all of you a favor & move on. If you stay you are going to give more than you get back for a very long time & you need to be prepared for the sacrifice it will take.

Dana - posted on 02/28/2012

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Your DIL is so fortunate to have your support! Thank you for having such a loving attitude towards her, and giving her the space she needs to take care of your GD. You sound like you truly understand the position she's in, being the stepmom, and that is so nice to hear! My MIL I believe had the same attitude towards me, and we have grown to really love each other over the years, and even when times were tough, she didn't treat me badly or degrade the job I was doing with the kids. I have much love & appreciation to her for that! Thank you for contributing a little bit different point of view, as well!

Dana - posted on 02/28/2012

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I had to quit reading the comments, because I had one of the worst case scenarios raising my step daughters that it makes me feel ill. Their mother died when they were 3 & 4, but even before then, we had them half the time. Most of this will be way too much depth to go into, but being a stepmother, I was the family scapegoat. Didn't realize it for many years, but in hindsight, I absolutely realize what happened, and husband knows too now. It was real easy and nice for him to be able to make me look like I was selfish or at fault for anything (whether I was or not), and I know the girls at young ages most likely perceived me as the villlain, because that was their DADDY. We both worked full time, but I was the primary care-taker of kids, home, bills, etc. Hubby would come home and go to the couch & watch TV. As time went on, the older girl obviously had issues with me. I realize now that she always wanted her mother, always believed her mother would have treated her better (this was a BIGGIE in the problems), would have loved her more, and just naturally compared everything I did to this ideal she had of her mother in her heart (which wasn't even the reality of how her mother was, but I never told her that). However, a young child like this isn't going to be able to just tell you that this is how they feel deep down. They're just going to act it out. Of course, nobody else is going to know this really, and you try to find all kind of work-arounds, and counseling, and ultimately, I started taking me and the kids to church obsessively, because I was so heart-wrenched over the HOSTILITY that was in my home. I had the girls for many years before I had my son, and the hostility affected him tremendously. He has low self-esteem, he's very gentle and won't say when something's wrong with him. He's almost 12 now, and he still has problems he'll obviously deal with maybe for his entire life. The girls are grown now, one's in jail, but the older one that was always so determined, is very hard-working, and I'm proud of her, but a lot of it stems from her heart-felt belief that we never did "anything" for her. She always compared what she thought the other kids had to what she had, and of course, she'd fall short and she was very accusing of us. I couldn't even bear to go into some of the morbid details of some of this. The whole experience has truly traumatized me. I'm 42 now, and I can tell you, that I wish I had listened to my aunt when she BEGGED me not to marry a man who has already been married with children. But, I felt like I loved him so much, that I couldn't imagine living life any other way, but with him. I still feel that way towards him, even though it has often torn me inside, over the hardships we've had, and the times he's condescended to me and not given me credit or respect for my role in the family. As we grew older, he grew more aware, but he had a mean streak that I had to deal with too. I got really sick about 2 yrs ago, and he's treated me better than he has our entire marriage, but now, I feel like I've given the best years of my life to people who just used me and hated me, and it grieves me to see how my son suffered, how it could have been different if I could have married somebody and had their child, and we all could have had some real chances at happiness, but it's too late now. I've been robbed of a lot of joy, and so has my son. I might have left at some point, but I had no family. I was orphaned at 16, and my extended family "LOVED" my husband, and they always deferred to him, as though he was better than me. My story is really so sad that I continue to cry over it at times when the memories are there so strong. I truly think I have PTSD over it, and that life has just thrown too much at me, and that THAT is really what caused my illness. I really don't think there's anything else I could have done about the way things went. All those years we went to church together (minus hubby - he was very cynical), helped, but far from repaired the damage from what we had went through. Nothing did. Ever. Due to mountains of prayers and faith and I guess just staying committed (partly out of necessity, as I told you, due to lack of family support), me and the girls are now on respectable terms. If I hadn't went to the extreme lengths that I did, however, I'm sure we wouldn't be okay, even now. Their teenage years were trials like crazy. They made other people believe we were awful people, and they wouldn't communicate with us, even if we tried, they just had chips on their shoulders. Anyway, I know not everybody has an experience like mine, but on the other hand, I may have went through a lot of what you are going through now, but like me, just didn't realize what was truly happening, or what the outcome would be. I just had to comment, because I had such a torturous experience. In the end, you'll just have to decide for yourself how you'll handle this. Just wanted to throw the end to my story out there, because who knows, it might save somebody from just giving their life away. If I had it to do over, I would not have married him. Just saying.

Brandy - posted on 02/28/2012

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I imagine you are trying very hard for her to feel loved. I grew up in a split household. It really hurts when you are referred to as "step" :/

Even though you are trying to give her as much love and attention as possible; have you considered maybe you aren't speaking her language of love? I recently read the 5 languages of love. It talks mostly about couples but at the end it discuss the language of love for your children.

It sounds like she is feeling insecure and picking up on your frustration.

Maybe she fidgets at home because she is nervous? Maybe she doesnt want to make you upset with her?

Joy - posted on 02/27/2012

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I am in the same boat. I have two stepdaughters, their mother is out of the picture though. Being a mother (step or biological) is a thankless job. If you keep holding out for that thank you or something you are going to drive yourself batty. Somethign that has worked well for us is play therapy for the girls. The therapist will work with you about what you are dealing with, and then work with the child to see why they are behaving the way that they do. She may be acting out in hopes that you will give up and give her to her mom so she can get that attention from her that you said that she has stated she wants. It could be she doesn't know how to connect with you, or that if she does that she is betraying her bio mother. It is going to be a long hard process, but as long as you are willing to work on it and take the time it will get better. And if you step daughter or husband don't want to do the therapy. Then find one for you. Someone you can talk to, someone who can give you ideas and pointers in what you can try to help foster a better relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

Kimberly - posted on 02/27/2012

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OK... Im not completely in your situation, but similar. My husband has 3 girls and I have 2. My daughters look at my husband as he is there dad. Anyways, my husband and I almost got divorced because his 7 year old sexually assaulted my 3 and 4 year old after I continously told him I was having problems with her. She is always like yelling and demanding for us to drop everything to help her tie her shoe or fakes falling if were trying to get girls outside. I however told my husband and he said I was picking on her. Well I told him how it worked, pointed it out when it happened, and then we also started counciling and read step parenting books. I cant say he ever listened to me but he did listen to books and is on bord with me now and things are much better! I hope that helps! I also put him in charge everything for all kids last weekend due to me being sick but still I think it really put things into prospective for him.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2012

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I am a bit offended by your comment. I did not even attempt to diagnose the child...could it be that she's brat because her biological mother never gives her the time of day she deserves...absolutely! I do care about how all of this effects Jessica. Yes, she is young...but the daughter was part of the package when she became involved with dad. And plenty of women have families at her age...there are reasons for a childs behavior whether it be physical or emotional, and yes dad does need to be more involved.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2012

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Don't give up on his little girl. Gwen has given wonderul input...I found that positive reinforcement does amazing things, and choosing your battles wisely. Certain issues just aren't worth the greif they can cause. The constant criticism (justifiable or not) of her behavior may very well push her towards more of that behavior. After a while the kids do not hear it...while reenforcing, noticing, and praising the good stuff and ignoring the bad, they strive to please. Counseling was a god send for my blended family and I am proud to say that my biological daughter is 22, and my stepson is 24 and not a day goes by where I don't appreciate the blessings they have brought me. But it wasn't always easy. Everyone including dad needs to sit down & discuss issues, child included, and do what is best. My husband treated his son like a guest for years out of guilt because he only saw our boy on weekends. It took years for him to realize that he needed rules, structure, and responsibility as our girl had living with us full time. The 1st response I got was, well that's not fair that I see him on weekends and he has to do chores. I told him he can set the table, take out the garbage, and feed the pets...afterall he ate, made garbage, and played with the pets...it wasn't like I expected him to scrub the toilets, do laundry, or mop floors...all chores my daughter had done for years...Also, you need to resolve yourself to the fact that whether biological or not, you are the only decent, caring mother figure in this childs life. I can't say I blame you, but I hear alot of resentment towards this child. When you became involved with the dad, she was already part of the package. She can and will come around. Our boy now refers to me as Mom (as long as biological mom isn't around) He even came to me and apologized for his behavior over the years, stating that he realized I only had his best interest at heart. Hubby & I are together 20 yrs now and couldn't be prouder of the family we a raised...even thru the hard stuff. Our boy struggled with learning and social skills, and has come so very far. He is a fine young man, a Marine (served 2 tours in Iraq) and is now back in school to possibly become a teacher. Positive reenforcement, consistency, and consequences are so very important. Good luck to you dear....it does get better. But as I said in the beginning, don't give up one her, your reaching out proves you genuinely care about her...especially since it seems you are the one stable female role model she has. So sad that her bio mom doesn't appreciate what a gift a child truly is.

User - posted on 02/27/2012

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I think u need the dad to do something here. All of you are diagnosing the child with this and that; could it be she is a brat? You are way too young to be dealing with this, think about you and how this is affecting you because I can tell no one really cares about you.

LORI - posted on 02/27/2012

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wow I was about same age ad you are now when I became a stepmom I am noe forty six. I have. four step sons and one of my own. I understand your frustration quite well. here is the best aadvice I can giver you.you must get your husband to understand. he is your go between. attitude is everything. I would really like to help but mch to much to say here I am taking a chance by putting my personal info out here but if u email me at lobak36 @àol.com I will give u my number to call me. I am here for you.

Felicity_cs - posted on 02/25/2012

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This will sound harsh, but its not intended to be. I teach parenting, and I work w/ many similar situations. Although it sounds like you are the primary care giver, you clearly resent that position. You may love your boyfriend, but you obviously don't love the child. She is a burden to you. Until you love her, and treat her with love so that she feels that she is loved, you will never see a change in her behavior. Her mother doesn't care about her enough to be in her life full time, she knows it, and she knows she is a burden not a blessing to you too. Why would she respect or love you?

In any situation, if you want to change it, you have to start with yourself. "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got."

Good luck, to you and to the child, she is going to grow up a very bitter and angry person if things continue as is..

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