Having problems with father-in-law

Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2009

Thank you all for your help. My husband is not defending his father at all. He had to put up with his emotional abuse when he was a child. He also shared a business with his dad for about 15 years....he left the business to get away from his dad. He wants nothing to do with him until his dad can admit how he is acting is selfish and wrong. My husband works hard and we save our money so we can have and do things together. My husband's father has always been careless with finances and has no money saved and he is almost 60. My husband has no sympathy for his father being careless with his finances and is glad he has been responsible and not been as careless with his money. We are in no way rich beyond our means, we struggle at times to pay our bills but we always have enough to get by in hard times. His father and step-mom on the other hand were getting money for "taking care" of grandpa at his home. There are suspicions of neglect that adult services are looking into and thinking of pressing charges aganist his father for. My husband is feeling guilty for promising his grandmother before her death that he would take care of his grandpa and protect him from his dad. We tried in 2006 after grandpa had his stroke to take turns taking care of him, but his dad insisted that he and his wife were doing it and that we should concentrate on taking care of our son. For the last couple years it seemed they were doing ok, but the last month or so before his death we worried about him. We are both feeling guilty for not looking out for grandpa more. We both know now that he is with grandma and happy to be back together with her...that gives us peace in our hearts. I thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am glad that there are people who understand our situation. My husband and I agree that unless his dad changes our son will be better off not learning how to manipulate and strong arm people into doing what he wants. We believe Dylan has enough positive influences in his life that he won't be missing out not being around his Papa. Thank you again!!!

Ann - posted on 01/10/2009

Dear Jennifer Milligan,



You cannot change the way people are. You can change how much time you spend with them and how much time your child spends with them. Remember this is something your husband has to deal with more so then you. He is your husband’s father, not yours. I know that sounds cold but you have a son and your own sanity to deal with. Be supportive for your husband, listen to him go on and on (if he needs to talk it out) validate your husband’s feelings of anger or sadness. I would not make damning comments about the father -in-law to your husband because every child, even grown children, will defend their parents. Even when they know that the parent is wrong and you are right. Even if they themselves have said whatever comment you have just made. Every child even the grown ones will defend their parent. Find a safe place to talk your feelings out (here is good). Just remember that your child needs you to protect him from any and all situations that he is not yet ready to deal with. Be honest with your child but on a level that he can understand. Shielding him, in the end, may set up a larger emotional fall for your son if the situation turns really ugly. It is easier to climb down a ladder one step at a time then to jump.

Good luck - Ann

Samantha - posted on 01/10/2009

I think your son is your priority and I fully support you not wanting him exposed to the behaviour of your father-in-law.  What does your husband think?   Does he want to stay in contact with his father or does he want to cut ties?  If your husband wants to cut ties, fine, but if he wants to stay in touch, make it on your terms.  Your husband can see his father without your son having to.

You have plenty of other family and your son has other grandparents to be involved with.  At 5yrs old, kids are pretty easy to distract.  It wont take long for him to forget his grandfather if he doesn't see him and instead spends time with other family members.

Good luck with whatever the outcome is.  Family dramas are always messy!

Paulette - posted on 01/09/2009

As for Dylan...I would tell him that grown ups don't always use the best words and they make mistakes. Grandpap was in a bad mood and was missing great-grandpap. He took it out on you guys because you guys were there (in the same room) at the time of his bad mood. Those words were not good and he should not have used them. Asking then if he understands? I hope that this helps. Take care.

Paulette - posted on 01/09/2009

Hi Jennifer, I have a parent just like your father-n-law. I would recommend a book called, "Children Of The Self Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide For Getting Over the Narcissistic Parent" by Nina W. Brown. www.amazon.com   I read this book and it helped free me from so much. I can relate to your husband...I can most certainly understand things from your side of things too. I went through this when my father died and the birds were circling wanting to know about a will too. This included my one brother. But it was after the funeral of my mother-n-law and my father that I made the decision to have nothing to do with this parent and brother...I cut off contact for the sake of my child...I did not want my child to have to be treated in an unappropriate manner that my parent and brother did to me.

The manner in which your father-n-law is acting is unappropriate and I would not leave out his wife. I would talk to your husband and ask him read this book and I would also discuss with him the negative influence his father and his wife could have on your Dylan. Ask him what he want to do to handle things in the future? Does he want his father to spend time with him and her, etc. Let him know how it made you feel (angry, hurt, etc.). Let him know that you want to protect Dylan, just like he does. Show him in a loving way that he has been a great example to Dylan but, ask him is his father showing himself to be a good example. I am sorry, I am writing this tired but I am not sure the questions are in the best order. But I am sure you will put things in your own words. I know I have run on...but your situation is so simular to what I went through. I can soooo empathize. I hope for the best for you guys. Take care.

Nicole - posted on 01/09/2009

Its so so sad when grown up like your father in law has to act that way....but i feel that you need to protect your son.....my mother has a drinking problem and is emotionally abusive my kids havent seen her in 10 yrs because of it..its sad on hoidays but life is too short to put up with crap liek that a nd if i were you i wouldnt let him in my house unless he apologizes to you and your hubby....you can add me on facebook if you like .