He got me pregnant on purpose without me knowing

Darnisha - posted on 01/13/2010 ( 253 moms have responded )

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He got me pregnant without me knowing...I was not ready..I'm a 20 year old mom now and it was not my decision in the matter....He got me pregnant on purpose and i was not planning to have one this soon or look at my child's dad the rest of my life...Then he tried to force me to marry him..now he wanders why i dont talk to him anymore when i bring the baby around which he barely sees and he lives no even 5 minutes away...then he had the nerve to tell me he was tired (ha) I asked him to keep the baby one day and an hour later he was like i have to go somewhere at 5:00p.m after he told me that he would be there all day so i told him that i wouldnt be able to make it to pick him up so i told him to take the baby with him he says"well im gonna be gone for a while and i got business to take care of nothan personal" did i not mention that his step mom was there and she runs a daycare from her home....everytime i come over there they act like they dont know how to fix a bottle he barley changes his diapers either....I felt like he is being so selfish i kno the words to say but dont know how to put them i guess....what should i do....I believe that even if we had of used protection then it would've still been so if my little Eli is here. I know its not all his fault i just want him to be there for my Eli

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Jen - posted on 01/13/2010

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Im sorry to possibly sound rude here. But as a woman..no one can GET you pregnant....thats up to YOU to be safe and not allow it to happen if you are not ready. Surely you are aware of Birth Control pills, Condoms, Not having sex....Im sorry i just dont have sympathy for that excuse. Now as far as being stressed out or over whelmed as a single Mother...thats understandable. But i think you need to own up to your own responsibility in the situation, you now have a child and are now a Mother, so we as Mothers have to be responsible. Its unfortunate that you can not rely on the father, but it will be his loss. Many women go through this type of thing, but you will be ok..stay strong, seek help from your own friends and family. You can do this without him....i raised my first child without her father and we did just fine. Becoming a mother makes us stronger than we ever knew we could be. Good Luck to you!

Vanessa - posted on 01/13/2010

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How exactly did he purposely get you pregnant? I mean if he refused to use protection then you simply say umm no thanks- especially if you were not wanting a child at the time. That's just what I think. I mean how else would he purposely do it????

Heather - posted on 01/13/2010

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First of all it takes two to get pregnant and there was a decision there on your part because birth control is available for both people. You first need to stop blaming him for the pregnancy. You layed down together and now you must both take care of the child. You are a 20-year-old woman, an adult and you need to start acting like one. Yes, you're young and you weren't ready, but you now have a child and need to do what is best for him/her. I suggest the two of you discuss your wants and needs together, while both keeping the best interest of your child at the forefront. There is no excuse for him not to be involved with his child. Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want to be around? Do the two of you fight when you are together? Are you constantly blaming him for the situation? Do you have anyone else who can give you a hand? I'm not trying to put everything on your shoulders, but as the primary parent to your little one you need to stick up for him/her. Ask him why he isn't involved more, without accusation. And then calmly talk to him about what your child needs.

Rosie - posted on 01/13/2010

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i was a single mother with my first one and i know it is very hard. his daddy was never around-i mean never! he didn't pay child support, didn't show up for the paternity test that he wanted so bad (even though he's the one that cheated on me, not the other way around). i spent so much time feeling pissed, and overwhelemed, (and i still have some of those moments), and just plain abandoned, that i missed the part where i was raising a child on my own. it's a very big deal, and something to be proud of, and not taken for granted. i've grown now, realized that i needed to break all ties that i had to that man-this year i terminated his parental rights (my son is now 9), and my husband adopted him. i don't worry if this is the month that i'm going to get child support finally or worry if he is going to try to be a dad and confuse my son when he leaves again (cause i know he would). it feels great to know that i did it all by myself and that i don't have to worry about my ex anymore. i've learned alot from my experience, i have WAY better judgement with who i date (not anymore since i'm married, but before i met him), i know that we can make it through anything cause we made it through the first years all by ourselves. just step up, be the best mother you can be, and leave the garbage where it belongs-on the curb!!

Jolene - posted on 01/13/2010

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If you don't/didn't want to become a mother why keep the baby? There are loving couples praying for a baby to bless their lives. You may be an answer to their prayers. There are other options. But it is hard to imagine him trying to get you pregnant. It takes 2. If it didn't take 2 then there are other problems to confront. Good luck, but keep that baby safe from neglect, don't force a relationship if the father is not interested. Find others who will help who have the baby's interest at heart.

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253 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 01/21/2010

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Unfortunately he does sound selfish. My husband at the time did that to me so I know how that feels to have ur trust betrayed. My sons are wonderful and even though it was hard to accept at the time. He used that to keep me from leaving him & then I was on my own to care for him & I tried to leave him again & he promised to make it work and I agreed to have another child since we were married. Before he was born, his true colors still showed and I raised them on my own without his help. He lives 5 mins away too and has their whole lives and across the street from their daycare at the time but he was always too busy to help out too. You have the right idea, it's about you & ur son--it's his loss. to address Lou's comment---when you trust that ur birth control has not been tampered with and u know ur cycle and what days are not safe--to have that person violate that by intentionally causing "failure" to ur birth control--what are the "police" going to do?? It's a violation of ur trust same as if a man gets told "opps" I'm pregnant when he is lead to believe that birth control is being used properly. 2-way street.....I never thought of that & it happened to me.

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2010

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Unfortunately he does sound selfish. My husband at the time got me pregnant on purpose so I know how that feels to have ur trust betrayed. My sons are wonderful and even though it was hard to accept at the time. He used that to keep me from leaving him & then I was on my own to care for him & I tried to leave him again & he promised to make it work and I agreed to have another child since we were married. Before he was born, his true colors still showed and I raised them on my own without his help. He lives 5 mins away too and has their whole lives and across the street from their daycare at the time but he was always too busy to help out too. You have the right idea, it's about you & ur son--it's his loss. to address Lou's comment---when you trust that ur birth control has not been tampered with and u know ur cycle and what days are not safe--to have that person violate that by intentionally causing "failure" to ur birth control--what are the "police" going to do?? It's a violation of ur trust same as if a man gets told "opps" I'm pregnant when he is lead to believe that birth control is being used properly. 2-way street.....I never thought of that & it happened to me.

Alex - posted on 01/20/2010

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You can't make a guy be there for his kid..... The father of my kid is pretty much giving me lip service about wanting to be there and everything and I haven't even seen him since I was like 3 months pregnant. Im 6 now. I can't really give advice though.. you're a lil further into it then I am... I hope everything works out for you.

Jodi - posted on 01/20/2010

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The OP has not been back to this thread in several days, so I am going to close this thread. Thank you, ladies, for your input.

Jodi Adams
CoM Moderator

Laura - posted on 01/20/2010

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yes poor judgement happens to everyone but a child is involved and she needs to realize that it's not about her anymore it's about the baby

Laura - posted on 01/20/2010

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if you were not planning on having a baby so soon why didn't you do anything to prevent it? you can't blame him only it's your fault too and maybe you should realize that..and no one except a mother will ever understand how much work it is and it's not just sitting around and doing nothing,i have 2 children and i know how hard it could be and taking care of a 3 year old and 5 month old is NOT the easiest thing ever, and although it's always good to get help you can do this on your own you or eli don't need him and in the end your son will hate him not you, do not expose your child to people who don't love him because seems to me your baby's daddy can careless and well then eff him! you don't need stupid people in your life

Kathleen - posted on 01/20/2010

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Adoption is a hard choice, but so is trying to raise a child if you can't give them the best life possible. And, no, you shouldn't try to manipulate anyone (it was his manipulation that got her into this problem in the first place) but raising a child takes a plan, and adoption should be just as considered as any other option. (Why is it people think abortion and keeping the baby are the only two choices?)

The person she should be most making this plan with is the baby's father, if he proves not interested, then she needs to make this plan with another close family member who will support her, or with counselors at DCFS if she has no other support. It wouldn't be manipulation if she is considering it as part of her parenting plan, and she is going to need the father's input on some of these decisions to make whatever the choice is legal. If she has decided that adoption is not something she is going to pursue, then, no, it shouldn't be on the table as a possible option. Sometimes people don't fully realize things until it is placed right in their face. (Like how hard raising a child is until they are in it.)

Adoption keeps coming up because it is just as viable a choice as any of the other options, and it needs to keep being mentioned until people accept it as a choice just like the other choices.

Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking that they have to make that choice within the first few weeks, but that isn't true. It may be _harder_ to make that choice (which is one reason it is better to consider it _before_ the baby is born, while you are thinking for the 9 months that you aren't ready to deal with this, than after) but sometimes people don't realize that they still have choices even after the fact.

As I posted on another thread to a young woman who was considering giving up her child (at 8 months), that birth mothers giving up their children aren't looked at as bad, irresponsible people-- they are looked at with a mix of sympathy, respect and awe. Sympathy because their situation and choice is hard, respect because they put the needs of the child first and placed them in a situation where they could be well cared for, and awe because they actually _do_ the hard thing.

It is quite insulting to adoptive parents (I am one) to say (by implication) that we aren't as good as biological parents, that no one but a biological mother could be a better mother. "but I do not think that anyone could be a better mother to Eli than Darnisha herself."

By extension, that means I am a sub-par parent to my son, simply for the fact that I didn't give birth to him.

Tami - posted on 01/20/2010

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Girl it's gonna be alright, but you sound crazy. Don't repeat that any more. No one can get you pregnant on purpose. It takes two to tango. You should have been woman enought to take care of your own birth control needs. Don't depend on no man to make sure all of the bases are covered because IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Sorry it happened to you but it seems you didn't do anything to prevent it.

Shannon - posted on 01/20/2010

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The situation isn't a good one clearly. But part of being a mommy is rolling with the punches and doing what's best for the baby. You both laid down with each other, so no fault can be placed on one more then the other. Surround yourself with a group with people you would consider to be a good support system and do your best. Unexpected pregancy happens far to often sadly enough. Your not in a group all alone. Lots of young ladies find themselves mothers far earlier then they had planned. Always remember it's not Eli's fault and keep is safety and well being at the top of your list. If the father doesn't want to play a roll, you can't make him. Do you really want him around your baby if he's not going to be a help. I wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you. I hope you have family and friends that will support you through this time. Even on the hardest days remember it's not going to be bad forever, it gets better.

[deleted account]

Darnisha has probably spent enough time with Eli now that it would be very hard, if not impossible, emotionally for her to give him up for adoption. There are a lot of cases where adoption is a good idea, but Darnisha has already shown from her previous posts that she loves Eli very much. I think that she might regret putting Eli up for adoption later on because once someone signs away their right as a parent, they cannot get that right back. I would not condemn Darnisha for giving Eli up for adoption. I do not know her situation fully so it might be a good idea but that is not the feeling I get from her.

I do not agree with everything that Darnisha said in her post, but I do not think that anyone could be a better mother to Eli than Darnisha herself. I do not believe that being a perfect mother necessarily makes a good mother. If my parents were perfect, then I would be a completely different person than I am now. I do not think that I would want that. My parents were exactly what I needed, and I think that Darnisha will be exactly what Eli needs. I do not care how many mistakes that Darnisha will make as a mother. The fact that Darnisha loves Eli should be enough.

I am not quite sure why the idea of adoption keeps coming up, but I do not think that it would be any less stressful for Darnisha. There is the possibility of guilt or regret later on, and these two things are enough to break a person. Personally, I would much rather feel stressed, or wonder how I am going to make it than to ever feel guilt, but this is probably a weakness of mine. Perhaps it's pride.

I do not agree with using the idea of adoption to manipulate the father either. I personally believe that it is a waste of time and energy to try and control the actions of others. I definitely do not like playing with the idea of adoption if she is not serious about it. I really do hope that the father steps up. Children are such blessings. I do not believe in making him step up. This is not a weakness in my opinion. It would be a strength because to do nothing is very hard, but I see this as being selfless and best for the child later on down the road.

The father will suffer the most if he decides not to step up and be a father, even if nobody blamed him. Sometimes especially when nobody blames him or justifies him for his actions. I do not believe in shutting the father out of Eli's life unless Darnisha see's that Eli is getting hurt emotionally, physically, or sexually. If Eli's father were to pop in and out of Eli's life then I could see where that would hurt Eli emotionally, and then I would consider presenting this with evidence to a court and keeping the father out of Eli's life until later, but really only Darnisha will be able to see what is hurting Eli as long as she is not blinded by her hatred for the father.

These are only opinions and opinions can be dangerous.

[deleted account]

Eli's dad is not going to step up and be a man. That's the way it is. I think you are grieving for the father that you feel Eli deserves. That's entirely understandable! It

IS too much to expect a 20 year old to raise a baby by herself, and support both of them, and have the time and energy a baby needs. Children are wonderful, and also a lot of responsibility. It would not be "giving up" to place Eli for adoption. Adoption is the most beautiful and loving thing you could do for your son. You would be an answer to a couple's prayer. There are lots of agencies that can help. One of them is www.itsaboutlove.org

Carol - posted on 01/20/2010

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Forget him. Plus, if he got you pregnant on purpose without you wanting to be, that doesn't make sense. You are both in the boat. He didn't hold a gun to your head and force unprotected sex, in that case you would call the police. Sex out of marriage gets you a lot of grief and heartache, I know. I would forget him. He is not responsible, he has no respect for you nor the baby. He is overwhelmed with the fact he has to be playing a role in the child's life. The back and forth business is not healthy for the child. The child will feel tossed back and forth. Sorry but you need stability and so does this child. I am sorry to sound rude, but your situation is like many others, and yes there is a way. I would have him take a parenting plan and finish it and see where it goes from there!

Kathleen - posted on 01/20/2010

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Well, out of the 229 posts, I hope you saw the ones about adoption. If that is a route you decide to take (and even if it isn't) you need to have an adult conversation with Eli's father, because if you decide to go the adoption route, he will have to sign away his parental rights. And you will also. BUT-- (and this is what's really important here) having the conversation may shock him into stepping up to the plate as a father.

He may be thinking that as long as he strings you along, he won't have to actually do anything because you will be jumping through all the hoops to keep the relationship open between your son and him.

Don't fall for that. Talk to the court about child support, and talk to them, or DCFS or DHS about ALL of your options (which include adoption). When you lay these choices in front of the father, and he sees that you are serious about picking one of them, he may suddenly realize what he could lose.

And if he doesn't-- then cut him out of your life, because he won't change and your child's future is too important. Think seriously about whether or not you can handle this on your own, because Eli's life is the most important one right now.

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2010

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life without him sounds like it would be better for the both of you. Your child does NOT need the drama that is being caused. Does he pay child support? If he doesn't want to have the baby, I would not force the issue. let him walk away. you got a precious life in return. my ex is no where near us and it is the best for my son. he is striving in life and i know he would not be if his (father) was around.

Laila - posted on 01/20/2010

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It takes two to tango my dear. I'm sorry he's a dead beat...but unless he raped you, then it's both of your faults that there is now an innocent child involved. Use protection next time.

MaryAnn - posted on 01/20/2010

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you can debate all day over the "He got me pregnant"- I think she knows now that it "takes two to tango" They are both EQUALLY responsible for Eli. NOW.. to move on.. You cannot force Eli's dad to be in the pictue.. sure, you can go after him for child support, but will that make him Eli's Daddy? No.. Move on..Raise your beautiful baby, love him, keep him safe, be the best mom you can be. I know it's stressful..i've been there.. had a relationship, had a baby, raised the baby alone.. I had to learn to let the anger go, because if I didn't i would've been full of hate.. and hate isn't good when you're rasing a child. You will get through it.. My baby is almost 18 now.. and well adjusted..

MaryAnn - posted on 01/20/2010

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you can debate all day over the "He got me pregnant"- I think she knows now that it "takes two to tango" They are both EQUALLY responsible for Eli. NOW.. to move on.. You cannot force Eli's dad to be in the pictue.. sure, you can go after him for child support, but will that make him Eli's Daddy? No.. Move on..Raise your beautiful baby, love him, keep him safe, be the best mom you can be. I know it's stressful..i've been there.. had a relationship, had a baby, raised the baby alone.. I had to learn to let the anger go, because if I didn't i would've been full of hate.. and hate isn't good when you're rasing a child. You will get through it.. My baby is almost 18 now.. and well adjusted..

MaryAnn - posted on 01/20/2010

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you can debate all day over the "He got me pregnant"- I think she knows now that it "takes two to tango" They are both EQUALLY responsible for Eli. NOW.. to move on.. You cannot force Eli's dad to be in the pictue.. sure, you can go after him for child support, but will that make him Eli's Daddy? No.. Move on..Raise your beautiful baby, love him, keep him safe, be the best mom you can be. I know it's stressful..i've been there.. had a relationship, had a baby, raised the baby alone.. I had to learn to let the anger go, because if I didn't i would've been full of hate.. and hate isn't good when you're rasing a child. You will get through it.. My baby is almost 18 now.. and well adjusted..

MaryAnn - posted on 01/20/2010

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you can debate all day over the "He got me pregnant on purpose"- I think she knows now that it "takes two to tango" They are both EQUALLY responsible for Eli. NOW.. to move on.. You cannot force Eli's dad to be in the pictue.. sure, you can go after him for child support, but will that make him Eli's Daddy? No.. Move on..Raise your beautiful baby, love him, keep him safe, be the best mom you can be. I know it's stressful..i've been there.. had a relationship, had a baby, raised the baby alone.. I had to learn to let the anger go, because if I didn't i would've been full of hate.. and hate isn't good when you're rasing a child. You will get through it.. My baby is almost 18 now.. and well adjusted..

Elizabeth - posted on 01/20/2010

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You know, I've read through the majority of these comments -- and as a mother I am appalled at the lack of compassion and understanding for this young lady. While yes, it is the responsibility of BOTH parties for birth control, but the damage is done now and Eli is here... It is totally absurd and wrong of you ALL to bash this mother when she's most vulnerable... you should be ashamed of yourselves. This forum is for us to SUPPORT each other in motherhood -- not point out failings of others. SO WHAT if she felt tricked into getting pregnant??? That was not the point of her post... she wants to know what we feel as a supportive community of 8million plus, she should do.

Try to read between the lines to see that this is simply a new mom dealing with a lot of stress, in a situation in which she feels trapped. She needs support, compassion, and caring advice... not a bunch of harpies jumping down her throat because she stated that he got her pregnant on purpose... several of you have made the statement "she needs to grow up"... I think that YOU are the ones who need to grow up, or maybe at the very least grow a compassionate bone. This young lady reached out to a community, and basically got her hand slapped for "reaching in the cookie jar". Grow up ladies, we're all mothers, and I for one KNOW exactly how I would feel if Darnisha was my daughter! Stop telling her how wrong she is for not using BC and start giving her the support she asked for... MY GOD having a child alone is bad enough without a bunch of other people who don't even KNOW her beating her up for her mistakes.

Rebecca - posted on 01/20/2010

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Sorry hun, but how did he get u pregnant without u knowing.....unprotected sex = a baby. U are lucky that it was a pregnancy, and not HIV or similar. A for him not helping etc, if u love ur wee man, and want the best for him, keep him away, if the father insists on seeing him after that, then make some rules, thru the courts, for him to have access. I can see how upsetting it is, my oldests father didnt want anything to do with him either, but ur baby comes first....stop blaming him, it takes two to have a baby, just enjoy your child.

Amanda - posted on 01/20/2010

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i'd just keep the baby away from him cuz in the long run the only one thats gonna get hurt is the child. im talking from experience. my sons father came in and out of his life and i allowed it for alot of years he was in and out of jail. now my son is 12 his dad wants to see him but my son dont want to but even if he did i wouldnt let him cuz hes just gonna get hurt in the long run. so i would keep the baby away from him its not worth the hassel or the stress cuz if your stressed out the baby can feel it

Brianna - posted on 01/20/2010

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Listen, if I may be frank it's time to stop pointing blame at your ex and accept the reality of your situation. I'm sorry to say that I disagree with your notion that he intentionally got you pregnant. Because at the end of the day, unless he sexually assualted you that is an impossible action. I think the fact that you're reminding yourself on a consistent basis as to how your son was conceived is making matters worse for you. The bottom line is this, even though you weren't ready to become a mother you are one now and I know you love your son to death. You need to accept responsibility that both you and the father played to conceive your son even if he isn't a stellar dad. It's now up to you to take care of your son (even on your own) regardless of how the father and the father's family behaves. My ex-husband and his family is also absent from my daughter's life but guess what I can humbly say I am a great mom doing the best I can with what I have. So I tell you this from a single mother to another single mother, keep doing the best you can for your son and try your best to not let your ex upset you because of his (or his family) trifling behavior. You're a young woman with your entire life ahead of you and I promise God will place His chosen son in you and your son's life that will take over as daddy. Good luck.

Jessie - posted on 01/20/2010

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First of all I am glad you are taking responsibility for your little Eli, even though you weren't ready. That takes a lot of guts to not take the easy way out. As for the father I would say that even though he wanted you to get pregnant he expects you to do all the work and doesn't seem like he wants to take responsibility. Unfortunately you can't force someone to take responsibility and until he decides to be a real father you should prob. not let your precious Eli be with him. I would hate for anything to happen to that sweet little boy becuase of an immature parent. That is just my opinion though and you can decide on your own how to handle it. However, I noticed you never answered the question about how he got you pregnant without you knowing? Did you think he was using protection???? I'm just curious no accusations here just simple curiousity.

Ruschelle - posted on 01/20/2010

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I'm afraid there is a lot of these types of parents out there, men and women. My advice is this. Do not expect him to help you when you need it the most. Always have a back up plan if possible. I myself had my first born at 20. I kept fighting with his dad to spend time with his son. One day I was so mad, I just came to face the fact and realize that he is the one missing out, NOT ME! That was my attitude. When he turned down watching his son coz' he has to go to the gym, I just said alright then! No problem. That's when he started to think I guess. What is she up to?! Why is she not giving me a hard time, next thing I know, here he comes wanting to spend time with our son. Even if he would take a nap while our son was there and his mom ends up watching him. I wasn't happy that he wasn't spending quality time with him but I needed the help so I just shut my mouth. Maybe you can start a daycare with just friends in the same situation. They can watch your son and you can watch theirs. Just a thought! There are more parents out there in the same situation that you think. They could be your neighbors. Good luck!

Steffi - posted on 01/20/2010

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My sister is going through the same things, but her boys are 3 and 5, so they WANT a relationship with their dad and continue to get hurt. Now, eventhou he's a deadbeat dad, he has her in court again trying everything he can to destroy her, give less childsupport, all under the pretense that she's a bad mom and he wants to be involved in the kids' lives. . . but he doesn't go to parent teacher conferences, doesn't go to wrestling meets, doesn't spend time with them at all. Some guys are just losers, period, and without God in their lives, they will never be anything else. Maybe it's time to face up to the facts that he's a loser and just get him out of your life, period. If he's not too interested in the kid anyway, he'd probably be happy not to have to pay child support and babysit. I say cut ties now b/c then the kid won't be hurt and won't know what he's missing. Sure, he'll wonder why his dad isn't around and that will something YOU can explain in due time. It would sure beat the pain his dad will cause for the rest of his life for pretending to be a dad and sucking at it. Plus, the child will only love and respect you more (once he fully understands) for loving and protecting him so much. Maybe when he gets older and the dad matures a little, you can try a relationshiop a little bit at a time, on your terms and on the kid's terms.

Cynthia - posted on 01/20/2010

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Pull out method doesnt work, hun. Your story sounds just like mine. He was afraid I'd leave and he decided to try to trap me. I told him it'd be a cold day in hell before I married him, and I broke things off when I was seven months pregnant. He wouldnt help out with her, once he realized that I never planned on getting back with him. I got his ass for child support. I would let him have her every once in awhile, but the last time he sent her back with a shitty diaper, and a rash all the down her legs. She couldn't even sit! Never again will he be getting her. He didnt want to start being in her life, til he had to pay for it, and now I've made the decision he won't in her life until she can make up her own mind about it.

Krista - posted on 01/20/2010

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LOL@ someone saying a man can get them pregnant by "purposely not pulling out on time". SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY???? Are you SERIOUSLY trying to say that it's NOT a woman's fault if she gets pregnant because her partner didn't pull out on time?



When did the "pull out" method become a known contraceptive? You DO realize that you can get pregnant BEFORE the man ejaculates, right?



Grow up. Stop telling people that it's perfectly acceptable to shy themselves away from responsibility because the guy "didn't pull out on time".

Krista - posted on 01/20/2010

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LOL@ someone saying a man can get them pregnant by "purposely not pulling out on time". SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY???? Are you SERIOUSLY trying to say that it's NOT a woman's fault if she gets pregnant because her partner didn't pull out on time?



When did the "pull out" method become a known contraceptive? You DO realize that you can get pregnant BEFORE the man ejaculates, right?



Grow up. Stop telling people that it's perfectly acceptable to shy themselves away from responsibility because the guy "didn't pull out on time".

Krista - posted on 01/20/2010

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LOL@ someone saying a man can get them pregnant by "purposely not pulling out on time". SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY???? Are you SERIOUSLY trying to say that it's NOT a woman's fault if she gets pregnant because her partner didn't pull out on time?



When did the "pull out" method become a known contraceptive? You DO realize that you can get pregnant BEFORE the man ejaculates, right?



Grow up. Stop telling people that it's perfectly acceptable to shy themselves away from responsibility because the guy "didn't pull out on time".

Laura - posted on 01/20/2010

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There is one more thing that should happen to you that you do not have a choice on either.....it is time for you to grow up......babies don't ask to be born, they are made, by you. If his father is a lousy father then be the best Mom you can be. You owe Eli that!

Lakeish - posted on 01/20/2010

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First of all stop the nonsense that he got u pregnant on purpose. You are just at fault if you know u wasn't ready. You need to stop blaming and being more responsible. Stop taking your child by him if they don't know what they are doing. You need to have a serious talk with him about the caring of your child, if he is talking "bullshit" take his ass for CHILD SUPPORT. I am sure he will stop the games and gimmicks then . Good luck and be strong. You will realize your child his a blessing from God, so do your best for him/her and be strong.

Listen - posted on 01/20/2010

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I know how you feel. File for child support, get financial support from the govt, food stamps at least, if not AFDC, money.

Make a written list of things he could do to help, and give it to him. Then don't make contact with him. If you can't stand to be around him, your child probably shouldn't be around him.

You'll be much happier when you just focus on what you want to create your life to be, and just let him go, and realize that you made it out better than he did. Even though you have mre work to do right now. The rewards for you are amazing, and he will be left cold and lonely.

I have a 10 yr old daughter, I have been a single mom for 5-8 years, we were together off and on for years. i was trying to make it work, and the realized he didn't really care about us and that we would be better off on our own. getting child support has made a hug e difference in our lives.

Good Luck

Love Yourself

and focus on that and your baby only!

and Happiness will come to you

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2010

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Sorry to tell you but you can force a guy to be a father. Also if he is not changing the diapers or making the bottle right why to you want to leave the baby with him for long periods of time. I raised my kids on my own then met a man that became a wonderful father to both my children. Yes a baby can be exhausting but that is just part of being a mother and a father at the same time. Enjoy these days because one day you are going wake up and your baby will be a young adult heading out into life on their own. I myself enjoyed every second of being a mother and never found myself unable to bring my children with me except for work of course which i had them in a day care with the help of subsidy. If I wanted to go out a night and let lose I left after my children were in bed so that the baby sitter really just needed to be there in case they woke up. As far as men go well they are either a good father or a dead beat there does not seem to be any in between. Your ex sounds like a dead beat so why force him into a situation he does not want to be in. This will only cause you problems involving the childrens aid. You have done all you can do you can force anyone to be a parent.

Siobhan - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Darnisha,

Just wanted to drop you a line as it seems that some posts here you may find a little harsh when your feeling emotionally fragile.



Your son is beautiful and you should be very proud that, you've made it this far and your still this strong but, you are gonna run yourself ragged if you keep spend time and energy stressing about what you baby daddy does or does not do. You have'nt said if your family and friends are being supportive......i hope they are. Having had a baby at 21 myself that was'nt planned AND marrying the dead beat father i can tell you that your are already strides ahead of where i was at your stage of life. My advice to you is to plan your life and childcare arrangement like you are never gonna see the baby daddy again. if you have a group of people that you can turn to that you trust and are confident that they can take care of your boy then you can plan your life and move forward from where you are towards something positive.



Becoming a mother is a truly life changing experience and for some of us it does'nt always start out rosey like the baby product adverts. But trust me, and be strong, your child will provide you with the will, passion and drive to do amazing things. for now, we all here for you girl XX

Bianca - posted on 01/20/2010

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ok your twenty so what. you decided to have sex. did you know that the reason for sex is procreation? well suck it up you got pregnant. YOU didn't abort and YOU chose to keep the baby. Quit expecting the sperm donor to own up to his genetic contribution. eventually he will want the child when the kid is potty trained and pretty self reliant. the more you push the kid on him the larger the change that he will get joint custody. Then poor little Eli will be spending one week with you and one week with him and so forth. Don't be one of those women who depend on the man when their single. Grow up and be a role model for your son.



note: I am a 22 year old mom of two kids who supports herself, her two kids and her current spouse.

Luz - posted on 01/20/2010

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I thought Circle of Moms was supposed to be a place where we support eachother and offer eachother advice. She asked for advice about what to do about the father. Things happen and there are plenty of men and women out there who agree to have unprotected sex but say "yes, I'm birth control" or "Nah, I won't finish inside of you," and the intentions of those people are otherwise. It happens. Danisha, keep your head up and if he doesn't want to see the child, then don't bother with him. You're child will always know that you love her and learn the truth about his/her father on her own. Just be a good mommy!

Siobhan - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Darnisha,

Just wanted to drop you a line as it seems that some posts here you may find a little harsh when your feeling emotionally fragile.



Your son is beautiful and you should be very proud that, you've made it this far and your still this strong but, you are gonna run yourself ragged if you keep spend time and energy stressing about what you baby daddy does or does not do. You have'nt said if your family and friends are being supportive......i hope they are. Having had a baby at 21 myself that was'nt planned AND marrying the dead beat father i can tell you that your are already strides ahead of where i was at your stage of life. My advice to you is to plan your life and childcare arrangement like you are never gonna see the baby daddy again. if you have a group of people that you can turn to that you trust and are confident that they can take care of your boy then you can plan your life and move forward from where you are towards something positive.



Becoming a mother is a truly life changing experience and for some of us it does'nt always start out rosey like the baby product adverts. But trust me, and be strong, your child will provide you with the will, passion and drive to do amazing things. for now, we all here for you girl XX

Beth - posted on 01/20/2010

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IS ANYBODY REEEAAALLY READING WHAT SHE IS SAYING??



**From Danisha's initial post: "He got me pregnant on purpose and i was not planning to have one this soon or look at my child's dad the rest of my life."



WHAT THE ****? WHY DID SHE SLEEP WITH HIM IF SHE FELT THAT WAY? THAT'S MESSED UP.



**From Darnisha' Jan.13 12:25pm post: "i understand that it is not all his fault on making the baby but the thing is he tried to have a baby with me and that's not what i wanted....I just thought that he would have enough respect for me to inform me that he wanted a baby...it wasn't an accident because he bragged to my parents that he tried i'm so up set but i love my little Eli I mean we didnt even stay together that long....I just didnt think it was right for him to make that decision for me then try to force me to marry him saying that when the baby comes then i would have to break up with my boyfriend and marry him against my will and thats not right......I mean he didn't even know we had a boy until after he was born he called out of the blue after disappearing for 7 months my ex-boyfriend did everything for me and my baby"



#1) BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO HER PARENTS? SHE HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED, #2) AT SOME POINT, HE MUST HAVE HAD SOME INTENT IF HE WANTED TO MARRY HER, #3) DID SHE NOT SAY SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND THAT HE WOULD MAKE HER BREAK UP WITH? WHY WAS SHE SLEEPING WITH "DADDY" IN THE 1ST PLACE?, #4) IS HE GOING TO WANT TO HAVE RESPECT FOR HER, IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE RESPECT FOR HERSELF?



I'm thinking that there is more to the story than what we are getting. The bottom line is that Eli is a beautiful baby!!! That's what should be most important. He is not to blame as many have said. Darnisha needs to do what is the BEST for Eli. He deserves that!! If it means getting child support, whether she wants it or not, she should do it. If could be like getting blood from a turnip, but at least she would have the peace of mind knowing that she is doing everything she can for him. Protecting him from the stress and drama should be priority. It could benefit both of them. There are agencies that could help her with daycare rather than depending on him or his mom, as that does not sound like a safe, healthy environment for him. They could also direct her to some support groups. She said that she didn't want a baby, but now that she's got him, I believe that she does love him.

[deleted account]

Wow, ALOT of replies! I really hope most of them are helpful to you mama. I could not take the time to read them all, so if this has been said, I'm sorry!

It sounds like your current boyfriend (?) is a responsible man. He was taking care of you & ANOTHER man's baby! :)) I think he's the keeper. It's great to have a mommy & a daddy. If things are working out for you 2, sometime in the near future, marry him! :) He can adopt Eli, & you guys can be a family. The "father" will have no leagl right what so ever! I also recommend counseling for you to help you deal w/ all this & make the right decisions. Empower yourself!! Good luck & may God keep you both ♥

Sally - posted on 01/20/2010

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Whoa Sister.....You're disillusioned!!! You need to move on & take care of 1st, the Lil One, then You!! Get off the band-wagon~ "oh, woe is me" ~ Suck it up....we're all in charge of ourselves.....U now need to grow up, you're a Mama now.....Sounds like UR M & D are there, use your resources!

Tamera - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Darnisha,

My name is tamera and I'm 19. I was forced to have sex and reporting them to the police didn't do anything. So with others telling you that if he did that you should tell the police it don't do anything. I'm not with him anymore and he has told me that my son was nothing but a mistake. I am a single mom and I wouldn't trade my son for anything or anyone. I was very much like you and didn't plan on having children till I was older, in a good relationship with a guy that really loved me, and when we were finanialy ready. However because of one guys choice I now have my amazing son who got me out of a horrible relationship. He does not see my son much and everytime we talk he tells me I'm a horrible person/mom and that he will take my son from me. I'm the one that has been taking care of him since I got pregnant and he is the one that picked drugs and alchhol, another girl and her kid over us and yet he wants to say I'm unfit. The only advice I can give you is to do what is best for you and your little one. As mommys that's all we can truely do. I hope this helps you some.

Melinda - posted on 01/20/2010

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I hate to be blunt, but, you can replace him and find a man who knows how to act like a real man and who knows how to respect you and your baby.

Melissa - posted on 01/20/2010

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Wow this is definetly a tough situation. Your son deserves a father but if he is going to be a dead beat dad then your son is better off without. I mean if he acts like he cant make a bottle or change his diapers properly then i dont think your son should be there, if he's not getting proper care. Keep your son away from this situation and maybe the father will realize just how important his son is. For now i guess your gonna have to play mom and dad. Just a question though, you said he wanted to get married how come you didn't want to marry him, did you not love him? If not then why were you sleeping with him. (Please dont take offense to my questions, i dont mean it that way at all. I'm just trying to understand the situation.) Good luck you and your son.

Stephanie - posted on 01/20/2010

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Contact family court and tell them that their is a dead beat dad and you want to persue him for child support. If you have tried to be civil, which it sounds like you have, leagal action may be the best course of action, you might not get anything from him, but if he works, the courts can garnish his wages, depending on where you live, they can take over 50% of his income.



If you don't want to marry the guy, then don't. By forcing the issue on you, he shows that it was intentional and that he has no real care or regard for you; a man won't do that, a boy who hasn't figured out life will.



As bad as it sounds, if you said 'no' and he still had sex with you and it resulted in your little Eli, it might fall under the 'rape' law in your state; I am not saying to go after him for that, I am just putting the info out there.



I was your age when I had my first son, 9years later and I hope a bit wiser, I will tell you that marrying someone because you have a baby with them is not always the wisest route, I married my exhusband because of duty, I did not love him, but I look at my beautiful 9yr old every day and I don't know how I would live without him.



I hope things work out for you and little Eli. You can always contact you place of worship and talk to someone about your situation and see if they can help or at least guide you.

Melissa - posted on 01/20/2010

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Wow this is definetly a tough situation. Your son deserves a father but if he is going to be a dead beat dad then your son is better off without. I mean if he acts like he cant make a bottle or change his diapers properly then i dont think your son should be there, if he's not getting proper care. Keep your son away from this situation and maybe the father will realize just how important his son is. For now i guess your gonna have to play mom and dad. Just a question though, you said he wanted to get married how come you didn't want to marry him, did you not love him? If not then why were you sleeping with him. (Please dont take offense to my questions, i dont mean it that way at all. I'm just trying to understand the situation.) Good luck you and your son.

Carol - posted on 01/20/2010

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Well Sister you have a couple of things that you need to understand. 1) You need to set up your world without expecting any physical assistance from the sperm donor of your child or his family. 2) Your child deserves love and care, NEVER allow anyone to take care of your child that you would not have care for you if you were bedridden with no ability to ask for what you needed. If your child is under 3 or 4 years old, then the child does not have the ability to speak for themselves. 3) If you want monetary support you will need to hire an attorney to sue the x for support. 4) Preserve your rights immediately. If the x is not taking responsibility now and is out to hurt you later, he may seek to have custody just to hurt you. Hire an attorney to file custody paperwork now, seek full custody with child support, or seek for termination of his parental rights so that you can cut him completely out of your life and move on. 5) I have read several people saying you had sex you knew the risks. Most Moms have very little sympathy for folks who get pregnant because they trusted their partner to take care of the birth control. You are now an adult with a child. You are responsible for the choices you make not only for you but also for your child. If you waste time worrying over the past, how much good are you missing in the present. Let the old go, get your life in order and move on.

Tinielle - posted on 01/20/2010

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i would also liek to add that each and everyone of you judgment "moms" on here..how good of an example are you setting for you children right now? accidents and poor judgment happen in everyones lifes..i certainly hope you dont judge and put down your own children as you have to this poor lady.. she is seeking help from mature parents, on her sad situation..and all you can do is make it worse for her?? what does that make you? not very mature, or restpectful to others ..thats for sure...some of you should be ashamed

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/20/2010

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You sound like a ranting teenager rather than a 20 yr old mother. First of all, he did not as you say "got me pregnant on purpose". One of your last statements was "even if we had used protection". How did HE get you pregnant on purpose if NEITHER of you used protection? Did you not know that if you had unprotected sex that was a possibility? If not, then you recieved quite the sex education. My advice to you would be grow up, and deal with him through the judicial system. It is his child, atleast make him pay. Now you need to decide what kind of mother you want to be, someone who blames everyone else for there own mistakes and shortcomings, or a mother who sets an excellent example for there baby. You can teach your child how to survive a difficult situation. Best of luck...but own up...it was BOTH of you that got pregnant on purpose. But please do not blame the defenseless child for the act of 2 immature people in the heat of passion.

Tinielle - posted on 01/20/2010

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plain and simple..forget the loser and take care of you baby while he is still a baby, time goes by so fast! sooner then you know you

ll be walking him to his first day of school..lots of moms do it on their own and raise great children! honestly you little sweetie is better of with out him! do you want him to grow up and be like his father? inconsiderate, and selfish? NO you want him to be respectful! raise him the way you want him to be..and eventualy hopefuly his daddy grows up and can show him what a REAL man is! good luck to you and congratulations on your beautiful bundle of joy..the greatest gift available, is the gift of a child that will love you unconditionaly for the rest of you life..focus on returning the uncondition love back to him and everything will work out just the way it should!

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2010

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Unfortunately he does sound selfish. My husband at the time got me pregnant on purpose so I know how that feels to have ur trust betrayed. My sons are wonderful and even though it was hard to accept at the time. He used that to keep me from leaving him & then I was on my own to care for him & I tried to leave him again & he promised to make it work and I agreed to have another child since we were married. Before he was born, his true colors still showed and I raised them on my own without his help. He lives 5 mins away too and has their whole lives and across the street from their daycare at the time but he was always too busy to help out too. You have the right idea, it's about you & ur son--it's his loss. to address Lou's comment---when you trust that ur birth control has not been tampered with and u know ur cycle and what days are not safe--to have that person violate that by intentionally causing "failure" to ur birth control--what are the "police" going to do?? It's a violation of ur trust same as if a man gets told "opps" I'm pregnant when he is lead to believe that birth control is being used properly. 2-way street.....I never thought of that & it happened to me.

Carol - posted on 01/20/2010

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Forget him. Plus, if he got you pregnant on purpose without you wanting to be, that doesn't make sense. You are both in the boat. He didn't hold a gun to your head and force unprotected sex, in that case you would call the police. Sex out of marriage gets you a lot of grief and heartache, I know. I would forget him. He is not responsible, he has no respect for you nor the baby. He is overwhelmed with the fact he has to be playing a role in the child's life. The back and forth business is not healthy for the child. The child will feel tossed back and forth. Sorry but you need stability and so does this child. I am sorry to sound rude, but your situation is like many others, and yes there is a way. I would have him take a parenting plan and finish it and see where it goes from there!

MaryAnn - posted on 01/20/2010

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you can debate all day over the "He got me pregnant on purpose"- I think she knows now that it "takes two to tango" They are both EQUALLY responsible for Eli. NOW.. to move on.. You cannot force Eli's dad to be in the pictue.. sure, you can go after him for child support, but will that make him Eli's Daddy? No.. Move on..Raise your beautiful baby, love him, keep him safe, be the best mom you can be. I know it's stressful..i've been there.. had a relationship, had a baby, raised the baby alone.. I had to learn to let the anger go, because if I didn't i would've been full of hate.. and hate isn't good when you're rasing a child. You will get through it.. My baby is almost 18 now.. and well adjusted..

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