He walked out again! Any Advice?

Amy - posted on 11/08/2012 ( 151 moms have responded )

4

0

0

Last week my son's sperm donor walked out on us again for the 6th time since I got pregnant. My son is 6. Sperm donor met a woman online 3 weeks ago and moved her in with him last week. They met online and she left her kids in another state to be with him. He don't contact me till his relationships are over then he wants me to take him back. Sometimes can be months then he'll email me asking how our son is. Any advice or suggestion you ladies can give me?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

151 Comments

View replies by

Marlene - posted on 11/24/2012

11

0

0

Don't take him back 6 times is way to many times and he just continues doing it over and over again. Just focus on yourself and raising your child and make sure he helps you raise your child. You need to look for a man that will be there for you and your child not someone who is gonna walk out on you all the time.

Anitra - posted on 11/21/2012

3

2

2

You've got to begin to love yourself (and your son) in a way that no longer allows this to happen. You're teaching him how to treat you--if you don't believe you deserve better, he won't either. Best to you as you decide what to do...

Brianna - posted on 11/21/2012

20

0

2

Girl, been there done that with a 33 year old with no job, and no respect. Just ditch him. Guys like that never change. Take it from someone whos' experienced the cheating of a "man" who's supposedly faithful to you and his child.

Carma - posted on 11/19/2012

2

5

0

Don't take him back. Go to court to set up visitation for your son and make the donor strictly adhere to it. Don't discuss the visitation with your son because if the donor says he's gonna show up and doesn't, your son will only be disappointed. Let him be surprised and happy to his sperm donor. As your son gets older, he will figure things out on his own. Never say anything negative about your ex to your son...no matter how tempted you are. As for yourself...NEVER EVER take him back. He always treat you poorly because he has no reason not to. He knows he can do whatever he wants and behave in any manner he sees fit because you will always take him back when he comes calling.

Kim - posted on 11/19/2012

1

1

0

Do Not let this guy back in your life... or your sons life... He is using you for his convience and nothing else. He sounds like a loser. And he does not even have a job. He is not worth it and keep him away from you and your son. Get childsupport from him once he starts working.... and if not then Write Him Off..... no child should have to go through some "dad" coming in and out of his life.... your son deserves more than a dad that just comes and goes at his convience. Dump Him. You dont need the stress or the worry. Let that dumb woman who left her kids to be with some unemployed home recker.

Alexandra - posted on 11/19/2012

581

24

1

let him go on his own business and start a new life for you and your son.

Carol - posted on 11/19/2012

3

4

0

Dump him. He's only using you. I know it will be hard but you & your son deserve a man & father that actually CARE about you.

Dottie - posted on 11/19/2012

5

10

1

I totally agree with everyone here...stop taking him back! Since I have worked in the legal field the past 13 years, I know it is easy for all of us to say that to you as we do not live in your life or walk in your shoes but truly you have to think about your son..even at 6, he will begin to think that what his "dad" does to you is okay for him to do to his future relationships. I know that in the state of Ohio, all unwed mothers have FULL custody of the children until the Father steps up and goes to Court to get any kind of visitation rights...but definately go to your child support office and get that started right away! Job or no job, they will get an order started and it will rack up on him and eventually he can and WILL lose his license if he doesn't pay! Good luck to you and your son....as long as you keep that door shut that he walked out of...you both will be just fine!!

Jasmine - posted on 11/19/2012

2

10

0

I can speak from experience you are better off without him as long as he knows he can come and go as he please that is just what he will do so move on with your life do what you have to do for you and your son and see how he likes it when he sees you moved on and are doing good

Joanbezuidenhout - posted on 11/18/2012

24

2

0

I would see a Lawyer and ask his advice - that is the right way to go. I am sure that I would

not take the chap back - second chance okay - but 6 times - definite NO!! It would be better for

you to move on with your life but I am sure the Lawyer will advise you to seek full custody and maintenance. I wish you all the best - he definitely does not deserve you! God bless you and you son.

Carlita - posted on 11/18/2012

1

20

0

Listen...your son is the most important person to think about. Not only now with the way the sperm donor is but in the future with other possible mates. He is the one that is going to suffer the most. It may seem like you are putting him 1st by trying to let his donor be part of his life, but it will do so much more harm to your son having to keep watching his father walk out on him and he will end up blaming himself. You will always have to ask yourself how it will affect your son and if there is even a tiny bit of question, then it is not the right thing. Good luck to you and your son and do yourself a favor and realize you don't need a scumbag in your life. You are stronger than you think!!

Huana - posted on 11/18/2012

19

19

0

Give him the flick! He is a dad regardless on his current situation, if he can't man up then BYE BYE. You deserve better and so does your son

Chantelle - posted on 11/18/2012

29

6

2

Don't bother with him anymore. You are worth much more than to be a back up plan, or a doormat. He's either got to be there 100% for the both of you, or not at all. If he choses not at all, it's his loss. lock the door behind him, and throw away the key.

Tamala - posted on 11/18/2012

7

0

0

Give him the flick big time. He is messing with your life but more importantly your son!! Kids don't deserve that.

Lori - posted on 11/18/2012

2

54

0

Not only is he bringing emotional pain to you, but he is sleeping around and bringing home who knows what. He should be responsible financially for your child however he has clearly told you by his actions that he is not in this relationship by doing what he continues to do. Good luck to you, I hope you will get some counseling for yourself, it will help both you and your son.

Marie - posted on 11/18/2012

13

0

1

This is easy. It's over. Move on. Let it go. You will be so much happier in the end.

[deleted account]

1) Stop taking him back firs tand foremost.

2) Go to court to get both custody adn child support set up.

3) Get your spine in order and stop feeling either nostalgic or sympathetic for him.

Margaret - posted on 11/18/2012

25

20

1

Apperantly you do not consider this man a husband or father so why would you live with him? You don't seem to be married to him (this shows a lack of commitment on both sides) and you don't think of him as a tather to your son. This whole set up is just tragic and needs to be ended. Tell him to take a hike and find a man willing to love you and your son and get in a good relationship. You might find one at church if not at least you will fine God there and hopefuly a community willing to help with the kind of emotional support and advise you will need to raise this child your self. Children are a gift from God and needed to be treasured and loved not just pushed around by irresponsible parents. If I am wrong here reword your question.

Kyla - posted on 11/18/2012

11

0

0

Kick him to the curb you and your children dont need a man like that and espeically if you have a son you dont want him to grow upnthinking that that is how women are suposed to be treated. Let him go and dont take him back you and our children will be okay. You can find a much better man to have in your life

Deborah - posted on 11/17/2012

3

0

0

sweety take him to court get child sopport. be done with him!!!! more than likely its not what u want to hear. i had one of those guys and they dont change. good luck to u

Amy - posted on 11/16/2012

1

0

0

hi Amy, from one Amy to another. You have to put him out of your life permanently. You have to tell yourself that you and your son deserves full time love. You can't askew your heart to be a revolving door and when he leaves and you let him come back he thinks you have no options.he thinks you will accept his behavior. I'm sure you want your sobs dad in his life but look at it.. He's not in his life and he can't give you or your son any kind of stability. Believe me i know my kids walked out 7 years ago and u know what i wouldn't take him if he was the last man on earth. i divorced him i choose to be a single parent for a long time and that's great too.

Kara - posted on 11/15/2012

6

0

0

STOP TAKING HIM BACK!!!! Think about the example you're setting for your son! You're showing him its ok to walk out on his family.

Didi - posted on 11/14/2012

1

0

0

You don't need to be with someone that doesn't know what he wants in life,all you have to do is take care of yourself and your son,you will get to meet someone great for you and your son.

Mandie - posted on 11/14/2012

3

1

0

you need to love your self and stand in front off a mirror and repeat over and over again , i am worth more then that ,i am worth more then that , then go take a look at your son and ask yourself is he worth more then that , take control off your life and put a stop to the people that control it for you , he is only doing this because you are allowing him too , your his fall back , and no one deserves that , and your son dosnt need anyone in his life that dosnt feel he is the most precious thing that needs to be cherished , loved and protected , remember that this sperm donor is his role model , as a women we are more then capable off being mum and dad , good luck , and please go stand in front off that mirror xxx

Sarah - posted on 11/13/2012

9

4

1

I would say don't take him back again. I know its hard but sometimes you have to think with your head and not your heart. If your son keeps seeing this he is going to think its ok to treat women that way.

Cheri - posted on 11/13/2012

3

21

0

Change the locks, document all you can recall about each time he has left, and don't let him back!! The harm this type of relationship does to a child is unbelievable!

Amy - posted on 11/13/2012

2

18

0

I agree with everyone, quit taking him back. You are allowing yourself to be hurt over and over and not only that, but you are teaching your son that it is ok to treat people this way. Children live by our example, so every decision you make you need to ask yourself, "is this what I would tell my child to do?"

Bonnie - posted on 11/13/2012

10

0

0

You need to cut him out of not just your life but your sons life...that is ridiculous! Is that the kind of (male) role model you want for your son?? Tell this loser thanks for the best gift he could ever give you..that is YOUR son..and he is no longer welcome to share in that joy.He obviously has no heart and does not care the affects it is having on you or your son..to choose some "stranger" over his own flesh and blood?? HELL NO!! There's the door...don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!

Andi - posted on 11/13/2012

2

3

0

Kick his ass the heck back to whatever hole he crawled out of! Your son does not deserve the uncertainty of "Daddy" constantly disappearing and re-appearing when it suits him, in fact he may grow to blame himself. You also deserve better, so for both your sakes change the locks, change your number and next time he comes calling tell him this motel has closed it's door!!!

User - posted on 11/13/2012

8

0

0

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. All I can say is that if I were you, I would find a professional to talk to to help you deal with your pain as a result of what he's done to you and your son and then I would never ever let him back in again. If he goes months without contact, when he's back in contact, it is most likely about control over you then about your son, I'm sorry, I know this is hard to think but I have a few friends who have been through this with fathers of their children (I am a single mum myself) and I have seen it over and over. A child is better off without a father who constantly abandons him and so are you! Keep strong and remind yourself of exactly how much you and your son are worth!

Araceli - posted on 11/13/2012

5

0

0

I'm not sure if this is how the saying goes, but "The brave goes, as far as the coward wants". This keeps on happening because you allow it to! I agree with all the other ladies, leave him out. Of course it's easier said then done, but you have to think of yourself. And not only emotionally but also health wise! Obviously he isn't happy with you because he doesn't love you, so he goes and finds randome woman in sites and uou never know if these woman have any STD whatsoever. Your son is 6a and believe ir or not, they understand and see things. So don't give him that example of what a relationship is about. I suggest go legal, and make him take responsiblity for his child, when your child needs it and not only when the "father" wants to. I have been there and done that, so I speak feom experience so believe when I tell you he is taking advantage of the fact that he knows he could go out and have his adventures and at the end, you will always be there for him when their all over with! Good luck on making the right decision for you and your child!

Cathy - posted on 11/13/2012

11

15

0

Stop taking him back.....he can't come back unless you let him!!! get some self respect because he certainly does not respect you. You are showing your 6 year old that its ok to treat you like this..

Jill - posted on 11/12/2012

101

1

20

Stop taking him back and move on. I assume you're not married since you didn't call him your husband. File the necessary legal papers in regards to custody and child support. Get yourself into therapy to learn ways to make yourself strong and self sufficient so that you do not fall back into this destructive cycle.

Marsha - posted on 11/12/2012

2

11

0

Please, Please, Please do not give this jerk another chance to hurt you again. You are so much better than this. Tell him you want nothing to do with him and he only needs to call you if its for the child.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/11/2012

1

20

0

Stop taking him back. He isn't worth it, and is just using you until he finds the next girl.

User - posted on 11/11/2012

1

0

0

Get a life and get over him. There are good men out there. Go see the lawyer first to settle any financial issues about your son and yourself. Look for a job and childcare if you don't already have one and know you are worth more than being his doormat. Married 45 years and loving it.

And yes, I had a job and children during all that time.

User - posted on 11/11/2012

34

0

0

He is using you, and you are letting him by not telling him NO. You and your son deserve more than that. Kids learn by sight and actions. Do you want him to grow up to be like him?

Mom - posted on 11/10/2012

19

0

0

Kick him to the curb.He is never going to change! Once maybe twice but 6 times is just a lost cause.You deserve better.Move on with your life and find somebody that really loves you.I think you know that or you wouldn't be calling him the sperm donor! Any idiot can be a father,but it takes someone special to be a Dad.

Lydia - posted on 11/10/2012

17

1

0

Amy, I have been in your shoes. My ex-husband did the same thing. I have four children with him--I married him twice and divorced him twice. I took him back a total of seven times. I thought that there was something that I was doing wrong and maybe if I did things differently, then it would change his behavior. Guess what? It didn't. The last time he left, incidentally because I insisted that he get a job to help provide for our three children, I came to the realization that he was a man who didn't want to take care of his family. I think for him, I was nothing more than a trophy wife--look at his wife and his kids. I filed for divorce and three days before our divorce was final, I found out that I was pregnant with number 4 (and I had been on birth control too). But I didn't take him back--I went back to school and got my Associate's degree and my Bachelor's degree. I met another man that loves me and has raised my four children as his own--and adopted them when we got my ex's parental rights terminated. (He was over $40,000 behind on his child support). What I'm trying to say is look out for yourself and your son. Don't take him back anymore.. It will be hard but stick to your guns.

Cassandra - posted on 11/10/2012

4

27

0

Your number one priority needs to be your son. Every time you take him back you are teaching your son it is okay to treat a woman like that. You teach him that you don't deserve to be treated well and if mommy doesn't, no woman does. Have enough self respect to understand that you deserve more than being an after thought. I agree with all others.....get a custody order if you don't already have one. Regardless of whether or not he has a job you didn't create your son alone and shouldn't be solely responsible for financially supporting him. If you haven't you need to file for child support. Think about your son first. It's your job to protect him emotionally. Good luck!

Julie - posted on 11/10/2012

12

0

0

Stop taking him back, get the custody process started for your child. I would set up child support, but just by this discription he will be one of those guys that rarely, if ever pays.



YOU ARE NOT A BACK UP PLAN! Seriously, find a guy that puts you first. They're out there... but while you're going back and forth with this guy you won't find another. And, really, you and your son are your priority. Don't put a man (well, man with boy qualities) higher than you and your son.



You're better than this bullshit.

Diann - posted on 11/09/2012

30

18

0

My dear Amy. Like hundreds upon thousands of other women, Somewhere alone the lines you have "learned" that you are not worthy of a decent relationship. By "learning" this I mean that it was somehow introduced to your thought process, and you adopted the thought process, and kept it up. His bad behavior is a HABIT from you. and now because you have taught him exactly what you consider acceptable treatment of you. You are heartbroken. I KNOW it hurts, and I KNOW that it is hard. BUT I ALSO know that this is a habit that as women we need to break ourselves of. Because the All and All of it? is that you do not want your SON learning that THIS behavior is acceptable treatment of other women! and without knowing that is what you are doing? That is exactly what you are doing. The GOOD NEWS is that it is not too late to break this habit! In order for the GREAT and AWESOME to come into your life the BAD and Crappy have to leave so CONGRATULATIONS!!! The Bad and Crappy is out, now on to the GREAT and AWESOME! So this is what I want you to do, Not only for YOU but for your SON. I want you to make a list. Really two lists. One list is of all the things that you consider things that you want from your man. You already KNOW what you do NOT want. (He left for another chick who will be treated like crap from him as well. BUT I DIGRESS!) With the knowledge of all that you do NOT want in a relationship, start making a list of what you do want. I'll start you off.

#1) I want a man that respects me and will never consider cheating on me.

#2) I Want a Man that loves my son as much as I do, and is willing to teach him how to be a real man!

Keep writing out this list. Trust me when you start it!!! you will be hard pressed to stop! Do NOT be afraid to do this. It HAS to be done! You have gone too long without it, and you see what that got you? Treated like crap!

Along with this list I want you to have list #2 this list is of all the things that you will

NO LONGER ACEPT from any MAN in your life!

This list you have already started, but I want you to make that list anyway. This is a list of deal breakers. If he thinks your son does not belong in the relationship from day one?

Deal breaker!

If he does not show on time. By hours! Deal breaker. (Unless he is in the hospital because he got in an accident trying to get to you.) There are very few good excuses for this one. But you are a girl, and you KNOW a good excuse and a bad one when you hear it.

Listen honey. These guys that are going to be sniffing around? They are on a Job interview of their LIFE, and this interview needs to be stellar, because they are going to be the MANLY MAN of NOT just YOUR life but of your Sons life too! You do not want just ANY guy in that position of Manly Man of your life NO! You want a AWESOME MAN in there! If they do not cut the mustard for you! Count it as a loss and move on!

Keep these lists with you at all times, Measure the men you date with your list. If they have deal breakers? MOVING ON! Yes you WILL be BEING picky, But YOU and your SON are WORTH IT! And if SOMEONE tell you that you are being picky? Remind them AND YOURSELF that you are being picky NOW because you were NOT in the past and you deserve ONLY THE BEST! If he does NOT treat you like a QUEEN! then you are NOT to treat him like a KING.

Nathan - posted on 11/09/2012

5

3

0

Okay ladies not all guys are assholes. Granted this guy is clearly a jackass. Being a guy myself this guy pisses me off and I'd love to feed his little wee wee to my dog for being a jerk. It takes more than just being a sperm donor to be a parent as it takes hard work, lots of love and dedication to be a true parent to any child. As my previous post show's not all men were created equal. As some of us are actually nice guys who have a love for children and know how to respect our women. However the majority of men give us few a bad rap. For you ladies keep your heads up not all of us guys are assholes. We may be far and few between but were out there. I have seen that sometimes when a woman meets a truly nice guy they don't know how to respond or react to them because their not used to it and they end up letting that nice guy go without ever truly giving them the time or day to prove that they are nice guys. I've experienced this first hand on several occasions and I've also seen it happen with others like myself.



I'm not sure why that happens but from all the studies about men and women I've come to realize that most women don't understand guys like us. They tend to think were too soft or that we will be boring just because we brought them a rose or cooked them dinner. When the reality is guys like me enjoy cooking dinner by candlelight, giving our women massages but just because were willing to be a man and respect and pamper our women doesn't necessarily mean were boring. When someone like myself might be extremely humorous as we like to get you to smile. We are spontaneous and were not a bore in the bed or out of the bed as like myself and I'm sure there are others like me that enjoy role play, erotic toys and the list goes on and on due to the fact were always willing to try something new. I think its a stigmata to assume that just because were nice were boring and won't make great lovers. For all of you women that believe that then don't complain because your stuck with a jackass like this idiot. Were out there you just have to know when to open your eyes and mind and give us a chance. I'm happily married and the women from the past that didn't give me the chance to prove my worth well thats their loss and I've had a few come up since then that have physically said they wish they didn't let me go. My response was you snooze you lose.



I do agree kick this prick to the curb there are better guys out there that will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. Just keep your mind and heart open and you will find him one day.



Now for the two posts that I read that mentioned that if you keep taking this guy back you will get aids and die. These two ladies that mentioned Aids in there posts need to do their research before talking about HIV or Aids. Due to the fact that if you were to do the research you would know that just because a person has HIV or Aids doesn't mean they will die. That was true back in the 80's and early 90's however that isn't true today. I have known a few people with HIV who are still alive and kicking today and they have been HIV positive for the last 15 years. Look at Magic Johnson the famous basketball player for the Lakers and has been HIV positive since 1991 and 20 years later he's still alive and married to his wife of 20 plus years that is still currently HIV negative which proves that a person can be HIV positive and can be sexually active and not die or infect their partners.



It is a fact that a person who does not take their HIV or Aids medicine will eventually die and there are people who do have HIV who refuse to take their meds those people are dumb and irresponsible.



However it is also true that a person who does take their meds will have viral loads that are undetectable and therefore will not infect their partners. Its a stigmata to say that just because someone is HIV or Aids positive that they will die is just ignorant. It is a fact that more people die on a yearly basis from auto accidents, cancer and heart attacks than people who die from HIV or Aids. The ones that do die from it didn't have to as chances are they probably refused to take their meds and trust me their are many that just prefer death over taking their pills daily.



I am not a doctor but I've written several papers on the topic for college classes, I've even had the opportunity to volunteer working with HIV patients. Due to that I've gained some knowledge on the topic.



Yes, it is possible that if this lady doesn't leave him that she will probably become HIV positive or contract some other STD disease but if she chooses to play she has to pay. It takes two to tango and not all HIV positive people know they are even positive until many years after they have contracted the virus. So its always good to protect yourself.



In the last 3 years alone there have been 2 people who were actually cured completely from HIV due to the fact that they had complete bone marrow transplants for having leukemia. If they didn't have the bone marrow transplants they would have died from the leukemia and not HIV or Aids however they were lucky and were completely cured as there doctors found no traces of the virus anywhere in their systems. So now researchers are looking into possible cures using bone marrow and stem cells and they predict that within the next 10 years or less that there could possibly be a cure. So no HIV or Aids is no longer a death sentence like it was way back when. So please don't assume that someone will die just because they are HIV or Aids positive.

Angie - posted on 11/09/2012

18

19

0

YOU ARE ONLY HURTING YOUR SON AND YOURSELF. this man obviously was NOT ready to be a father. MOVE ONWARD AND UPWORD!!!! if you feel it necessary to have this man be a part of your sons life...let him but from a distance. it is clear he is unstable and I do agree it is important for a child to know his father but it is also ok not to DEPEND on him to be there.

ITS TIME YOU WERE THE PARENT

Tiffany - posted on 11/09/2012

6

0

0

Warning this reply is 10000% real....Yes I have a reply. Do you want AIDS?! Because that could happen to you if you keep allow this guy to come in and out of your life/bed once his flings are over. We have all been a doormat before but girl cut this asshole out of you and your sons life you will both be better off without him! Its just not a stable enviornment for either of you. Whatever self esteem issues that are there you may need to face them head on and let it go. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 11/09/2012

3

0

0

you don't need him, Mama. I'd only keep an asshole around if I needed his help with our children - and he doesn't seem the type - he's just another childish man. You don't need him. Get custody, and move on to someone who deserves you! Best of luck!

Cheri - posted on 11/09/2012

2

17

0

Get child support and have him meet you both at a local play Mickey Ds and don't expect the deadbeat to show. Less stress on your family. Stay encouraged!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms