He walked out again! Any Advice?

Amy - posted on 11/08/2012 ( 151 moms have responded )

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Last week my son's sperm donor walked out on us again for the 6th time since I got pregnant. My son is 6. Sperm donor met a woman online 3 weeks ago and moved her in with him last week. They met online and she left her kids in another state to be with him. He don't contact me till his relationships are over then he wants me to take him back. Sometimes can be months then he'll email me asking how our son is. Any advice or suggestion you ladies can give me?

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Rachel - posted on 11/09/2012

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Do not take him back: even if he begs. He is simply using you until something else comes along. He doesn't love you even if he says otherwise. You don't treat people you love that way. You are a human being and deserve to be treated better than a doormat which is how you are allowing him to treat you. Respect yourself enough to say NO. You are better than that. He has no regard for you, your feelings, or your home. He keeps coming back because you let him back in YOUR home and bed. Let him know he is NOT welcome. When he emails about your son your response should simply be "He's fine." if he really cares he will put forth the effort to see his son. Please stop referring to him as a "sperm donor" he was obviously more than that. If he is a dead beat dad say that. Referring to him as a sperm donor makes you seem petty especially since you're saying it after he left you. You are better than that.

Tracy - posted on 11/09/2012

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I'm sure I won't say anything different than anyone else. Don't let him back - at all. If you can, all contact with your son should be supervised if and when he comes around. If you can keep him away altogether, do so.



My son's father was pretty much like this. He always keeps a little something on the side so that he has a place to live when things go bad with the current girl. He never realizes it goes bad because of the thing on the side... I tried and tried to make it work with him. But he was always one foot out the door, even as we faced eviction notices and empty cupboards, he would rather find a new gal than go to work to support us (I worked full time). My son was 11 months old when I left completely. It got bad between us for a while. Always new women around our son and I couldn't do anything about it. But I refused to date so I could provide the stability that was lacking elsewhere. I met my husband when my son was 3 (nearly 4). We never really did DATE, but he proved himself to me and my son never saw anything more than a friendship. Anyway, we married when my son was 4. My ex flaunted more and more women. Finally, he just stopped coming around (which was already sporadic). When my son was 7, he asked my husband to be his father and my husband was honored and adopted him. My son is now almost 16 years old and hasn't seen his bio dad since he was around 11 (a brief reunion on my son's terms to get to know him - my son quickly decided he wasn't worth his time). He has had a loving a stable image of what a father is despite his early years. We sometimes get word of what's going on with bio dad. He has NOT changed in 16 years. He has kids all over the place and raised absolutely NONE of them. He goes through women like water. He just CAN'T have a connected relationship with anyone. I find it both hilarious to watch and very sad at the same time. I mean him no ill-will. To watch him hurt himself, these women, and all these children is painful. I just want to send a letter to each women he gets involved with and tell her to run. At this point, there are...I think... 8 kids we know of from around 24 all the way down to around 3 years old.



I tell you this story for a real purpose. These women, all of them that have had a child with him, chase him and chase him. They scream how he needs to care for the kid and be their daddy. He runs faster and faster. I am the ONLY one that I know of that simply walked away. It was very hard at first. I wanted my FAMILY together. But I did it for my son and for no other reason. I tried staying for my son and I saw his future. Always poor (LOL, that hasn't changed no matter how hard we try!), wondering where daddy is, not trusting people to be there when he needed them, learning that THIS is how a MAN behaves, mom always crying and screaming "where have you been?", my own anger at who I was when I was with him (weak, unmotivated, insecure). Becoming his father was the only future he had if I stayed. I looked my son in the eye and promised myself he would thank me one day. I have NEVER bad mouthed his father. I explain his father needs to do some growing up, that he doesn't understand HOW to be a dad, that his father loves him but that there are lessons his father needs to learn before he can be the dad he needs to be - maybe ONE day that will happen. Stuff like that. I don't tell my son stories of the past with bitterness or anger. Afterall, it is what it is and nothing I can feel about it will change it. BUT, how I feel about it WILL change our future. I tell things as matter of factly as possible. I always leave the door open, on my son's OWN terms, to make contact with his father. He chooses not to. I say all of this long post because I want you to see that there is a life beyond all of this. A good life. One where you are not spending your time trying to fix your ex but spending your time preparing your son for manhood. As women, the more time we spend trying to fix up the guy doing us wrong is time spent creating another guy who will do women wrong.

Christina - posted on 11/09/2012

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ummm leave that loser alone!!! I'm a little more worried as to why it has taken you more than twice to figure this out! Stop and think about the kind of example you are allowing him to set for your son, do you want him thinking that its okay to treat women or even worse his future children like that?

Rachelle - posted on 11/09/2012

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You've got to be kidding? Right.? Look in the mirro and ask yourself why you are taking him back? If he "donated" his sperm, then he shouldn't expect to be involved in Your sons life. Stop taking him back for both you and your sons sake. Why do you need someone like that in your life?

Kimberlee - posted on 11/09/2012

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I would file for child support , allow him to see his child ( as long as he's "safe" ) and I would GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

Anisha - posted on 11/09/2012

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I understand hoe you feel and ehst youre going through because ivr been there before. I advise you to let him go because you will keep running into the same situation and this will hurt yOu more and more and eventually you will settle and be unhappy. Your son can feel your pain. Let him go and he will realize just how great of a woman you are amd what he lost. Go on with your life you will find a man who will love you and yoyr son unconditionally. Its time to move on.

Anisha

Keri - posted on 11/09/2012

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This is the 6th time? After the 2nd time I would have said no more. Is he otherwise involved in your son's life or does he go away and ignore him when he finds these new women? I'd say get some court orders and move on with your life.

Laura - posted on 11/09/2012

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Get the jerk out of your life. I think you kind of answered your own questions by referring to him as a "Sperm Donor". Obviously, he doesn't act like a husband/partner/father......etc. It might take a while for you to get over it, but in the long run you are doing yourself and your son a BIG favor. Hopefully, you are getting support for your son from him. If not, have his butt thrown in jail. You will be helping some other poor soul who may get pregnant by him and suffer the same mental abuse that you are.

Sophonia - posted on 11/09/2012

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We as women do it to ourselves. The fact that you are asking tells me you know the right thing to do. In the words of NIKE..JUST DO IT!! Stress is the number killer for us. Let him be him and you be the mom you want to be. Kids are happier when Moms are happy...

Sarah - posted on 11/09/2012

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If it were me I would really feel for my kid and feel very reluctant to sever the relationship that they have, even though I can also see that it is probably painful and not healthy for your son, who is getting to an age at which boys really want to bond with their fathers, for him to be inconsistent, going away then coming back. I think I would tell you to have a serious talk with this guy and make it about his relationship with his son, as that's the most important thing here. You're not going to get what you need from this guy, clearly, so it's time to scrap that and look for a loving relationship for yourself elsewhere. Tell him that he has a decision to make; he has to promise to show up and hang out with his son X number of times a month, or whatever you feel comfortable with, show up for holidays, birthdays, whatever you think works for your son, and if he can't do that then completely go away and not contact you or your son again.

Shana - posted on 11/09/2012

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I was in the same situation where my husband left us multiple times for whatever reason he was pissed about at the time, usually right before I was to go to work without an available sitter or the day we were moving into a new apartment (without help). I think we'd all agree that the best course of action is to let him go and be done with him but speaking from experience, I know that can be easier said than done.

My best advice to you is to try to get yourself in a position where you don't need him anymore so when he does leave, it isn't so hard. I don't have any family here so I formed a small network of other moms where we take turns with the kids (I get them Tuesday evenings and they each get an evening) so that I am guaranteed some "me time" to get stuff done or just relax for a bit. Try meetup.com or strike up a conversation at the local playground with other moms.

I also took him to court for child support since I couldn't rely on him to be financially supportive.

The less you need him, the less he knows you will take him back when he does come crawling and maybe he'll think twice about actually leaving the next time. Or maybe it'll give you the independence you need to wash your hands of him for good.

I feel for your situation and hope things work out for the best for you and your son. Remember, this is hurtful for your son as well. Sometimes it's better for the kids to see mommy take a stand than to have daddy run in and out of their lives on his own whim and watch mommy take it.

Jennifer - posted on 11/09/2012

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Let him see his son but keep him out of your bed. I know how certain feelings never go away BUT you have to cut ties with him. That's the only way you can both move on. I beg you not to keep going on in this destructive cycle. Stop it now and things will look up for you and your son. Who knows you might find the right guy once the wrong one is gone.

Cathy - posted on 11/09/2012

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Change the locks!! What have you got to lose,apart from one mountain of a problem?

Monica - posted on 11/09/2012

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What these ladies said ir correct. But one element is missing. He keeps coming around because you keep letting him in. He terrible towards you and your son because you let him. He treats you as his in between, in the mean time woman. When the others dont work out, he knows youll take him in without question. All he has to do is say what you want to hear and he can come back. Find whats in you that lets him keep coming back, fix it, then youll be able to handle him in a proper and healthy way. Understand that he wont change amd wont treat you or.your son any different unless you raise your standards and make him treat you differently. Good luck.

Triana - posted on 11/09/2012

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if he was just a sperm donor he obviously never intended to be a father, if you were in a relationship and that is a comment because you are hurting realise you and your son are better off without him arrange reasonable acccess i know you think he doesnt deserve this but believe me everyone needs to know who there biological parents are.If he says he doesnt want access then so be it as far as having him back again dont, move on and find someone who will treat you and your son with some love and respect ,hope this helps

Nathan - posted on 11/09/2012

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In regards to my last post and some of the posts that I read stating that you should never talk bad about your son's father to him or in front of him. I have to agree 100% with the person that put that post.



No matter how much of a jack ass this guy is he is still your son's dad and to speak about him in a negative way to or in front of your son can have a traumatic long term affect on your son. It could cause emotional stress, depression, anxiety, anger along with a long list of other things that could have a major impact on your son for the rest of his life. Not to mention if another person over heard you doing that and they were to report you to child services or even worse tell your son's father in the eyes of the law that is considered emotional abuse on a child and can range anywhere from a misdemeanor to a felony depending on your states laws.



I doubt you would ever do that but I figured you should know as its all too often that adults put there children through that kind of stress. Its not fair to the child or the other parent. The same rules apply if he ends up talking bad about you in front of your son he could then end up in trouble for emotional abuse. Most parents don't realize that until its too late. And when it comes to custody battles a court will take that into consideration when its time for the court to decide which parent should be the custodial parent.



Trust me I hate guys like this as they give guys like me a bad name and that just pisses me off and here's why.



I have raised a child that isn't biologically mine from birth till the child was 4 ½ years old. I've never dated the child's mom as I was only a good friend who loves children and was willing to help out. The child's sperm donor has never seen or had anything to do with his child. I've even been there before the child was born as I went to all of the the child's moms pre-natal appointments and I was even in the operating room when she had her c-section.



I was there to help change diapers, bath the child, play with him take him to parks and every other normal parent activity that a person would do with their child. In my eyes this child is my son and always will be. However In 2009 I went on a short trip to Puerto Rico and when I returned I was told that I could never see or continue on in the child's life and I've been in a 3 year court battle to get back into his life. I lost the first hearing this year however I'm now in the appeals process and I'm prepared to go all the way to the highest court in the land as I refuse to give up on him. And a true parent will never give up on their kids.



So yes guys like this idiot just make me sick.

Vonnie - posted on 11/09/2012

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Leave him. Do you really want your son growing up like his Dad? They learn from watching. Is this guy really worth it? I'm sure there are better fish in the sea.

Fran - posted on 11/08/2012

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Call him a sperm donor then that is all he is - If you want a relationship have respect and call him something more endearing.

Stacy - posted on 11/08/2012

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I was in a situation very similar to yours about 6 years ago. I have 2 children by the guy who are now 6 and 8. We would separate and get back together more times then I wanted to count. My kids would get very upset about it when it happened. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and figure out that the best thing for you and him is to let a past relationship stay just that. I wanted my kids father to be in there life but he decided he didn't care enough to be in there life and now is permanently out of their life for good(by his own choice). There are much happier and even though it has been a long rough road, I would not have changed anything for one second. As far as calling the father a sperm donor, it is perfectly fine when the kid is not in earshot. I tend to do that too, but remember one thing if you say stuff that is mean about him in front of your child, your child may come back when he is older and blame you for everything. Your child may also care about his father and not want you to know about it and when you say stuff it will hurt your child. Anyways best of luck with your situation and stay strong.

Penny - posted on 11/08/2012

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I think you will find you can be happier without him! You may not think so right now, but without the ups and downs he's putting you through, both you and your son will be able to get on with your lives as a happy family of 2!

Pam - posted on 11/08/2012

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First of all and for the sake of the child DO NOT call him names around (within earshot or in the area of) your son. He is his FATHER and although we do not always like the ones we once felt we loved we must respect the kids thoughts of his FATHER. Second do not take him back and file for custody and child support to care for your son and allow visitation (for your son's sake do not discuss the man's tardiness or lack of care if he does not show). Yes, making excuses is horrible but for the sake of the child take yourself out of the equation and focus on your son's feelings. When you are alone or out without your son then you are allowed to have those feelings. This is from experience I have never talked negatively about my kids father to them. Third, I would suggest counseling for you (it gives you someone who is unbiased to talk to about him and can help you learn how to keep him out of your personal life while allowing him in your son's). Take care of you too for the sake of your son He needs you strong and respectful. Good luck.

Shelia - posted on 11/08/2012

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Kick his butt to the curb permanently! Do not let him back into your heart/life, other than to visit your son. Make his butt pay child support, etc. After all, that is his responsibility to your son. Move on with your life and make the best out of it you can, because your son is looking to you, to provide a stable, loving home for BOTH of you. You need to take care of yourself for your son's sake. This relationship is not good for your son or you. Get out of it and move on. I promise in time, a good man will come along that will appreciate you and your son, and he will treat you and your son with respect and dignity. You deserve to be loved, appreciated and respected. Don not accept anything less.

Jessica - posted on 11/08/2012

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Let him go. He and the new woman can be crazy together. File for child support and keep it moving.

Cassandra - posted on 11/08/2012

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REALLY!! Grow up, Get some self esteem an give your son someone to be proud of, you are teaching your son how he should treat women through your behavior! This man is not the problem, you are because you CHOOSE to let this be your life! There is NO reason you can come up with to justify continuing an destructive relationship like this, how do you think this makes your son feel!

Tiffny - posted on 11/08/2012

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I will give you my advice base on my own experience...



I met a guy, we hit it off...we dated for about a year ++, things were going great, it didnt seem like we had argued over anything really big, even met his family and some friends and all that, and then one day i got pregnant by accident...and after that, everything went downhill, i found out he was cheating on me half that time with another girl (it was a friend of his that he introduced me to so i know the girl), i found out coz the girl herself told me coz she said she was jealous and angry that i was the one who got pregnant and not her, she said i destroyed her "ideal" family future with the guy...imagine my shock and obliviousness and stupidity and feeling betrayed and all sort of other emotion a pregnant lady would go through...and the worse if it all is that he left me and let the girl move in with him...his whole family was shocked with how he acted, he went AWOL on me and his baby to be...fast forward, almost 2 years later...he came back, said he was sorry, to give him a chance...and all that...and for the sake of my son i did...but things were never better...the trust issue is just not the same, he still flirts around, not to the extent of cheating but it sounds just the same...a guy should prove to you that he has changed and is serious about asking for your forgiveness and of course truly proves that he deserves that 2nd chance..



and for you situation...6 times? thats beyond wrong, thats like taking advantage of your kindness, maybe him proving that you will always let him in, let him come back, please no...it will only hurt you in the long run, hurt your son too... i understand you think you are trying to make it work for your son, but thats not the way...in the long run, you will only eventually hurt your little guy and he would just be confused and questions why his dad is in and out of his life, and if this guy can do it once, twice, 6 times, whats stopping him from ever stopping?



be strong, find your support group, your family and friends who knows you and understands the whole situation and let them be your rock...you can make it without him...maybe open yourself to finding a better, more worth it love...good luck to you...and God bless...

Kim - posted on 11/08/2012

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Stop allowing him to play on your emotions by taking him back. He has shown you what kind of person he really y is what more can he show you? love yourself enough to stop allowing him to put you and your son on an emotional rollercoaster. Nothing will EVER change because you continue to enable him! he has shown you that he is nothing more than a user. When other women are done with him, he knows where he can continue to get attention and support(since he doesnt work) From you. A person can only do what you allow. stop fooling yourself, he doesn't love you and stop taking him back. Men know how to say all the right things, but at this point you already know what kind of man he is. Ask yourself, what are you getting in all of this...sounds like NOTHING so why take him back???? Move on and really mean it for good! only communicate if its concerning your son and no other communication outside of that.... then you can begin to heal.

Angela - posted on 11/08/2012

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Don't take him back ever again you are hurting yourself and your son repeatedly. This is a cycle of abuse with abandonment and cheating. What are you waiting for? Him to bring home a disease that could kill you like Aids? Then who would your son have? Do yourself a favor change the locks don't accept any method of contact he doesn't deserve it. And be single for awhile and when you meet someone new don't settle for anything less than what you would want your child to have a relationship like in his future. If you continue this path of back and forth your son will have no respect for you and you are his example of what relationships should be like. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result! One person can't fix a relationship and you can't change another person. You can only choose to change yourself. My brother is in relationship exactly as u except in your shoes. He takes her back and it makes me sick every time. Totally confusing and bad for kids! How long do people have to keep trying to fix perpetual bad relationships before they realize it should be over and put in the past and move toward a better future? This is not happiness you know that in your heart You deserve better and that's why you say sperm donor. However do yourself a favor stop complaining and act in the direction you need to get the results you want in your life please. I wish my brother would. All the best to you and your son in the future.

Jodi - posted on 11/08/2012

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Firstly, if you laid down and had sex with him, and have obviously been living with him on and off for 6 years, he is not a sperm donor, he is your son's father. You don't have to like him, but quit calling him a sperm donor.



Secondly, tell him not to let the door hit him in the arse on the way out. If you keep taking him back, you are only setting yourself up to be hurt. Not to mention the fact that if you can bring yourself to insult him by calling him a sperm donor, you obviously don't have any respect for him (nor does he have respect for you).



Get a lawyer and file for child support and sort out custody and visitation, then move on.

Angela - posted on 11/08/2012

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Read Laura Schlessingers book 10. Stupid things women do to mess up their lives.

Tracy - posted on 11/08/2012

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Amy, you're first responsibility is your son and yourself. I'm positive this is causing so much hurt and confusion for your little boy that regardless of how you feel about the 'sperm donor' you must move on. Your son needs to see a healthy relationship or your current situation of rebounding (when it suits him) is going to be what your son thinks is normal. Leave this user of a man and the awful relationship for good, enjoy your boy, and live a happy life.

Donna - posted on 11/08/2012

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Yes get rid of the sperm donor he obviously dnt care bout u or his son cus he can find it so easy to walk away, thing is wiv men like that they always fink the grass is greener on the ovaside but it never is, they realise eventually then crawl back by using their kids to worm their wAy back in. If u keep Allowing him to do this it will be a constant thing every yr/month. U deserve betta so does ur son..., so my advice is get rid of bad rubbish and move on for ur own sanity and ur sons!!

Tesha - posted on 11/08/2012

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Please stop taking him back. Not for yourself but for your son. I have been in a similar situation n learned to put my son first. Think of how this would make him feel having someone come in n out of his life whenever they please. I have given my soerm donor 2 chances n the 2nd time he proved to me that he was not gonna do right by MY child, that was it. Every so many months he calls n asks to speak wit him n my response is the same, No... He doesnt support him n only "wants" to see him to see me. I refuse for my sons life to be a revolving door to come in n out of.. When he is 18 n decides he wants to see him, that will be his choice and i will not stop him.

Jeanette - posted on 11/08/2012

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You have to let him go. There is a saying that I live by " You can do bad all by yourself". It is important that your message to him is clear and firm! I know it's easier said than done but only you is stopping you from moving on. If he truly cared about his son ( your son) he would not put you throguh this selfish act. Besides, you have to set the tone for your son in life, and this message with the sprem donor is not a good one for your son to see or hear.

Laura - posted on 11/08/2012

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don't answer the phone....in all seriousness, you are not doing your son any favors by allowing him to come in and out of the house. Don't take him back if he calls in a few months, of course we all want the perfect mom, dad, child family but you child should not a once in a while thing when it suites his needs, which in my opinion are only when he is trying to tug at your heartstrings.....set up visitation and if he doesn't adhere to it...his loss...

Sheila - posted on 11/08/2012

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Yes, stop being a doormat. You have a child that needs to look up to you. It all starts by respecting yourself. It is obvious this man does not respect you, that's why he keeps coming back. He knows you will always be their. In order to start a new chapter in life, sometimes we have to close the book. He is a loser and not worth your time. Learn to love yourself. If a man loves you, you don't have to wonder, you would be able to look and tell. The right one for you is the one that is into you-You is what matters to him.

Sheila - posted on 11/08/2012

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Yes, stop being a doormat. You have a child that needs to look up to you. It all starts by respecting yourself. It is obvious this man does not respect you, that's why he keeps coming back. He knows you will always be their. In order to start a new chapter in life, sometimes we have to close the book. He is a loser and not worth your time. Learn to love yourself. If a man loves you, you don't have to wonder, you would be able to look and tell. The right one for you is the one that is into you-You is what matters to him.

Lesley - posted on 11/08/2012

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why do you taking him back,sorry if it sounds harsh but he keeps doin it cos you let him,one thing to keep him involved with his child but is this really the example that you want your son to follow?suggest you stay strong and dont let this loser control the situ anymore,let him have contact with his child(lets see how long that lasts) but remove yourself from the equation,you deserve better for yours and your childs sake

Sarah - posted on 11/08/2012

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First, get him into the court system and get him paying child support regularly. Second, never take him back *again*. Thirdly, make it a point to sever contact until he grows up and acts like a man/human being. This is not what you or your son need. You deserve real love, not someone who sees it as a convenience to be with you.

Linda - posted on 11/08/2012

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Get off the merry-go-round. The only contact you should have with this man should be his financial and emotional support of his son.

Shawnn - posted on 11/08/2012

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Get an attorney, get legal paperwork done, and next time tell him he's not welcome.



If you're referring to him as a sperm donor, I'm wondering why you took him back the first five times???

Aoife - posted on 11/08/2012

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I'm confused. Is this a sperm donor or someone you have a relationship with? If he is a sperm donor than he has no right to the child unless you have some kind of written contract that says he does. If you are using the term as a euphemism then it is obvious you don't want a relationship with him. If that's the case, tell him to get lost and make sure you have legal sole custody.

Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

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Change the locks and get custody, visitation, and child support set up legally.



I disagree with calling him sperm donor though. He's your son's father and has been your choice of sex partner for far longer than he ever should've had the 'right' to be.... but it's still been your choice.

Kym - posted on 11/08/2012

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You need to love and respect yourself to establish healthy boundaries for you. Only then will your son be protected. You are a daughter of THE KING and He loves you so much! Accept that love so you are able to freely give it to your son in the most genuine way. Love includes choosing to turn the other cheek and not giving into the temptation to say what we feel about the other person. Your son watches your every move. He will catch more than you teach. Make sure you keep your side of the street clean at all costs and don't react with emotional motivations. Time to pull up the big girl panties and be the woman you were created to be!

Lacye - posted on 11/08/2012

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Well, he left. Change the locks and don't allow him back in. Although I would refrain from calling him "sperm donor" in front of your son. He may be a shitty person, but that is still his dad.

Denikka - posted on 11/08/2012

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He left? Lock the door behind him. Problem solved.

You need to look after YOU and your SON. Boot the idiot to the curb and leave him there.

Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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do not take this man back. you are hurting yourself and your kids by doing this. I would get a court order for him to start paying child support. And i am not sure if you said you are pregnant or if you were saying pregnant with your now 6 yo son.... if you are pregnant get a child support order ready for that one when it is born. if he wants visitation let him, but get it to the minimal amount of visitation allowed...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

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Good luck hun. I certainly would not be taking that bum back. I am not sure I would have after the first time he left. What an asshole.

Amy - posted on 11/08/2012

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Yes I'm single. We have never been married. He's 33 and has not had a job in over a year. As for taking him back yes stupid on my part, I wanted it to work but he just does not care. He's been gone for 6 days and has yet to call or email about our son. It will be like this till who knows when. I've just had enough. A person can only take so much and this is the last straw for me. Thank you for your advice.

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