Help!!!! 21 year old son no job constantly fighting all day long insulting towards each other 

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I don't know what to do my 21 year old son lives at home with me were
In the processes of moving. Everyday there's pretty much a fight between us we both are insulting towards each other. He has no job and pays for nothing. He moved i'n with me after he graduated high school i'n late 2009 his father kicked him out cause he had no job or money to pay rent. Now 21 and living with me for about a year and half the first year he was fine he helped but after i quit my Job and then quit my other one it's been nothing but constant fighting day and night.  he's had a really hard
Time i'n life he has severer anxiety problems so little things like sitting a car or resteraunt can make him really freak out hes tried everything and can't really get it to go away this has been his main reason for not getting a job. it's something he's pretty much dealt with since he was kid.  He rarely leaves the house and if he does it's usually a quick trip he mostly just sits at home working out watching movies or making music and writing. I just don't know what to do every day me and him are fighting he has all these anxiety problems and doesn't even have a drivers license because when he was 16 me and his father decided Not to help him get one cause his grades but even when his grades were up we never ended helping him get one cause by that time he was 18 luckily when he was 19 he got a job and got his permit on his own and a motorcycle (dads idea) but after it broke he canceled his insurance and his registration got suspended so now he's 21 year old boy with severer anxiety living at home with no car no drivers lisecne no friends no job I'm afraid we really just dropped the ball and didn't really prepare him for life he's been begging me to help him try and get a license again so he'd be able to drive to a job but I'm looking for a house right now and trying to find a job.  Need advice from mothers badly.

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Christy - posted on 07/07/2011

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Since he is asking for help that can help you in this situation to get a driver's license, do that. Give him a dead line of 6 more months of living with you and then he HAS to be on his own. There are meds for his anxiety (I have it, too and take meds that have saved my life)! If I can do it anyone can (regarding the meds part).

He will live with you the rest of his life if you don't set boundaries. He has it easy. Stays home, no work, free room and board, food, etc. Why should be venture out on his own in that case? Not to sound mean, BTW.

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Tracey - posted on 03/11/2014

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well that's a fine line...one of my best friends mom followed all those guidelines you stated.. and last I knew that 21yr old is now almost 50 and still living at home...

JuLeah - posted on 07/09/2011

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Every time you do for him what he can do for himself, you send him the message that you don't believe in him



Every time his actions result in a consequence you shield him from, you send the message that he is a dud and you have no faith he can deal with life



Every time you 'help' him to ANYTHING that a 21 yr old ought to be doing for himself, you are making him weak, dependent upon you, resentful, and you are keeping him little



Let him life his life





If he fails, okay. It is his life.



If he digs a ditch for himself, okay, it is his life and any ditch he dug is one he can climb out of



He has done it before, he can do it again ... if you believe in him, back off and let him live, let him fly ... one day, a man will look you in the eye to say, "Thanks"



Don't deny him the life he was born to live

[deleted account]

he has had counseling in the past with mix result. he started the first time when he was around 11 or 12 and basically went on and off until he was in highschool hes been on meds in the past with once again mixed result the younger he was the better they worked the older he got the less they stopped working. Which is my dilema hes got this problem so i want to take care of him cause it seems like nothing else is working but we fight all day and night it so much stress and i just want to see him move on. thank you for all the advice so far hope to hear more perspectives.

Katherine - posted on 07/07/2011

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Isuffer from severe anxiety too. He needs therapy. If he doesn't get it and get on some anxiety meds it's never going to change.

If he doesn't comply you have to kick him out.....

Amber - posted on 07/07/2011

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Has your son ever had counseling for his anxiety? It really sounds like he needs a professional to help him work through anxiety that is this severe.
Can he get a job where he works from home or is around few people until he can work on his anxiety and transportation issues?

I would also say that yelling and insulting aren't helpful in this situation. It stresses both of you out and does not solve the problem.

I would make it perfectly clear that you want to help him, but that any disrespectful behavior will result in him being kicked out of your home too. You may be his mom but at 21 years old he is a grown man.
Put the responsibility on his plate and make him do things for himself. You will not be there forever and he needs to be able to take care of himself when you aren't here anymore.

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