HELP!!!! Fighting with my dad because of who I love....

Magnolia - posted on 02/26/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I will do my best to do a quick story... please ask questions if that will help you give me your un emotional opinion.

I am 33. I have a daughter that is 3 1/2. I have fallin in love with a man that is everything I have been looking for. We are pregnant. It is an early relationship (6 months) and he has a very bad criminal past. On paper he is a registered sex offender from when he was 16 (he was an accessory to; didn't committ the rape), and another rape case that was dismissed because it was an ex that made up stories of him raping her and since he was on parole they of course investigated it. He is currently arraigned in another case that has nothing to do with violence.
My father is scared and living in fear for my and my daughters safety. But will not meet this man and talk to him face to face. I accept where his fears are coming from but I am pissed that he is not trusting my judgement or even wanting to meet him to get a feel for the man he is now! I bel;ieve that people can change. There has been nothing hidden from me and the background check goes along with what was told to me. My father is telling me that I am being extremely reckless and irresponible, but I know this man, he does not! He even called me insane.
This is just of what I can say for now.
I AM CONFUSED!! and in a very emotional state... I need unbiased un emotional opinions!!! Thank you

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Kristi - posted on 02/27/2013

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Magnolia--

Been there, done that, not with a sex offender but with a clean, "rehabilitated," born-again, crack head. He preyed on my weaknesses and sucked me in. I was deeply in love in a short amount of time. He is a felon, bad checks...old habits die hard because not too long after we got together he wound up back in prison for writing another bad check, not his check, checks he stole from someone. He told me it was all a misunderstanding. The check was his mom's, she asked him to pick some things up for her, yada, yada, yada. She even backed up his story!! I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I was loyal and went to visit him twice a week with my roll of quarters so he could get things out of the vending machine, wrote to him everyday, sent pictures. Gag---I want to vomit just remembering all this. I have not shared this part of my history on here before.

Shortly after he got out, he started smoking cigarettes, which I detest. Then pot. Then he went back to crack. He'd go missing for hours and days. I was too invested. I thought if I just loved him enough, if I didn't give up on him, if I was good enough for him, he would quit and come home. I put my life in danger over and over again trying to find him in the ghetto, looking for any and every crack house I could find. My life was threatened more than once. But, I loved him, I couldn't give up on him like everybody else had.

He'd come home and clean up for awhile. Renewed hope. I knew he had changed. We'd go back to church again. Back to Bible study. The whole nine yards. No more cigarettes. Working. And then BAM! One day, any day out of the blue...I'm going to run to the store for a Mt. Dew, do you need anything? And he was gone again.

My parents warned me early on. They lived 1500 miles away. They told me I was insane. They told me to get out a hundred times over. When I unintentially got pregnant (I was told I couldn't get pregnant anymore) I was overwhelmed with every emotion in the book. My parents were horrified. But they swallowed every ounce of negativity they had and paid for the 3 of us to come out for a visit for Christmas. He must of known right off the bat that he was not going to be able to con my father because he just turned our house (my parents) upside down and my grandparents were there, too. He said stuff like he was uncomfortable breaking bread with people who drink alcohol because the Lord says our bodies are our temples and blah, blah, blah. They were having wine with dinner. He didn't want his daughter in this type of environment. She was not even 5 months old and again, wine with dinner. Anyways, he got everybody all upset, including my 70 year old grandparents. Made a big dramatic exit...into the pitch dark, no idea where he was, on an island and essentially in the middle of the woods. My father, being the bigger person and a real man, went after him and tried to smooth things over for everyone so we could all just relax and put this behind us. Nope. So, again, being the bigger person, my dad gave him a ride to the ferry and cab money to get to the airport. He was never, ever allowed back.

I sound like I'm an idiot. Nothing like your situation at all, right? EVERYTHING started the same...I knew all about his criminal history, I knew he had changed, my parents warned me off...my ex was able to con prison officials, pastors, everyday joes, CPS, judges, police, even therapists for awhile. He made you feel like you were the only person in the world that mattered and he was going to make sure you felt that way...for awhile. He told everybody what they wanted/needed to hear from him.

I have been trying to be brief, I really have. There became so, so much more to this once my daughter was born and two of his daughters from his first marriage came to live with us. Your dad is not being a dick. He's probably not even mad at you. He's just terrified for his baby girl and his precious granddaughter. You said you're pissed because he is not trusting your judgement. Does he have a reason for that?

Honestly, parents can see things we don't. I mean think about it....you're daughter comes home from college or work one day with her new boyfriend. She's obviously in love and she's going on and on about how wonderful he is. You're listening but really you are focused on her smile and the twinkle in her eyes, etc. You're just getting carried away in the young romance and you hear registered sex offender.....SNAP BACK TO REALITY! Would you just be oh, that's all right dear, he's paid his debt to society...doubtful. I know I wouldn't be. He'd be lucky to get out of my house with his family jewels still intact.

What kind of background check are you talking about that goes along with what your boyfriend has told you? How do you know he didn't plead to accessory for a lessor sentence if he confessed against whoever else was there? As Dove pointed out, how do you know the ex is lying? What if it got dropped because it boiled down to he said/she said? My daughter's father raped me. WTH was I going to do about it? We were married. We were living under the same roof, even though I was sleeping on the couch. How do you prove that? What are the charges pending against him now? What kind, if any, of time could he be facing if he is convicted?

I'm not saying all or any of this has happened or will happen to you. This is just some stuff you should think about and maybe some things you might want to dig a little deeper on. Either way, you are in dangerous waters my friend and your 3 1/2 year old can't swim on her own. Oh, I would most certainly take Amy's advice and find out the laws about RSO's and whether or not you could lose your daughter.

Amy - posted on 02/26/2013

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Personally I would of never allowed myself to become that close to someone with such an extensive criminal record. It's not just about you anymore you have a 3 1/2 year old daughter you need to think about. I understand people change but I would never risk the chance that there could be a relapse. I would also look into the laws in your state you could potentially lose your child if you plan on living with a convicted sex offender.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/27/2013

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I'm sorry, but the minute, the exact SECOND I found out about the multiple rape charges against the man, I'd have kicked him to the curb so fast his head would still be spinning!

You have a 3 1/2 year old daughter, and you think that bringing a sex offender into your relationship is a good idea? I'm sorry, no, this is not a good idea. Coming from the daughter in law of a sex offender, and having spoken with the man about his sick addiction, I can guarantee you that the man is NOT going to change. He's given you "credible" excuses about why "he was never at fault". Honey, he conspired to rape one woman, and was investigated for rape another time, and to top it off, he's being investigated in another criminal case... This is what is termed a "habitual offender".

My father in law, the pervert, admitted to me that even after spending time in prison for raping his children, he still had desires of that nature. Even at the age of 70 +, and unable to "function" sexually, he STILL HAS THOSE DESIRES.

Your father, being on the outside and not blinded by the BS that you've been fed, is concerned for the safety and health of his granddaughter, as well he should be. The very least you could do, if you're bent on staying with this repeat offender, is give the child's father custody of her, and you take visitation without your new love around. At least your daughter would be safe at her father's.

As Amy, Dove, and Michelle stated (and Kristi so eloquently elaborated), your child's health and safety should be first and foremost in your mind. Your happiness is second place when you become a parent. You should not blindly overlook the blatantly obvious just because it was good sex, you're pregnant and "in love".

Sorry to be so blunt. I am not an advocate of placing children in dangerous situations. And female children placed in the proximity of a registered sex offender is dangerous.

Ask my FIL...he's never been allowed to be around my children. Period. EVER. Because he is a sexual deviant.

Kristi - posted on 02/27/2013

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Denise--Way to go!! Good for you to be brave enough to walk away when you first realized things weren't right!!!

Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. It really means a lot!

Please update us Magnolia. We really are not trying to be bitches. These are our reactions. I'm not necessarily comfortable with using "unbiased" as a description for my opinion, though. I am very biased against sexual predators and career criminals.

My daughter is 13 1/2. I let her read your post and said pretend that is you and me. What would you do? She said she would call my sister to come and get her and then police and also my parents to tell them what I was doing. She said she would never come back until he was gone. She also said she would never trust me again. That right there would break me. I would absolutely kill myself (and I mean that literally) if she was abused by my "boyfriend" in any way, shape or form.

I know that must all sound so over the top considering how you feel about him right now and the fact that you are pregnant with his child. And maybe there is a 99% chance he really has changed, are you willing to gambled your daughter's future well being even by 1%?

Liz - posted on 02/27/2013

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I honestly cannot believe that you would contemplate bringing a sex offender into the life of your young daughter. I've lived in places where this would be grounds for your loss of her custody.

When you brought her into this world, it stopped being all about you. Your father and the ladies who have already posted on this thread are correct.

Also, a registered sex offender who is a habitual criminal is 'everything you have been looking for'? Raise your sights, hon.

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Magnolia - posted on 03/01/2013

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Kristi thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate all your advice and thoughts. I also appreciate and love my fathers. it is just hard to hear. I do KNOW that he is coming from love and concern for us!
My daughter does come first, the reason I left her father is because of drugs and he then went forward to an even worse state and is also a registered sex offender. She cannot go live with him. I accept my irresponsibility in allowing it to even come this far. And yes I am now involved with him forever. But I also have no problem being a single mother! I know where to find support and have an incredible support system. I know how to ask for help. And will continue all my therapies!
I have been very clear that if there is any hint of danger (I have not gotten any, but I do admit that love can be blind) or the chance of me losing my children; he is out!!! No questions asked.
I have started therapy to take a closer look at all my motives, thoughts, and actions. I have been doing even more research on the laws and his background. Getting court case files, etc. I do have my eyes open, but love all your comments and thoughts to help me attain awareness.

Thank you all! Keep it coming

Denise - posted on 02/27/2013

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I have to agree with the other ladies. You may not like it, but it sounds like your dad has a legitimate case here. These offences are serious especially when you have a little girl in the picture. Its very easy to talk a good game in 6 months, my story is not like Kristi C. but I too was played by a very smooth talker who was able to put up a terrific front, was engaged and pregnant too. but I decided the best thing for me and my baby was to get out of the situation. 6 years later, I am now married to a wonderful man and my daughter is able to look up to him as a father and role model. My mother (the concerned one in my case) is so relieved that I was able to get out of that bad situation. I really hope you find the strength to make the decision that is best for your children. BTW are sexual offenders even allowed to live with children? Check your state laws about that.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2013

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Wow Kristi, what a powerful story and how wonderful that you have come out the other side. I hope that Magnolia takes to heart what you have said, from someone who has been there and thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life.

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2013

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I agree with the other 2 ladies. The safety of my children comes before my happiness. Yes some people can change but for me there would always be the "maybe" be could still do it. A "lapse" in thinking (as most criminals will use) happens more often than we are told.
The criminal will always say it wasn't him, the others are telling lies, etc, etc.

You say that he's arraigned in another case. This would send red flags and flashing lights with sirens to me but I know they say love is blind. Unfortunately, you are now pregnant with his child so you now have a connection with him for the rest of your life.

I agree with your Dad and it looks like you have put yourself (your happiness) before your child. Falling pregnant after just 6 months to someone with such a history is reckless like your Dad has said.

Dove - posted on 02/26/2013

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I wouldn't have any of my children around a sex offender. Period. People can change, sure, but not at the risk of my child's safety. I don't blame your father. If my daughter was dating a man with a criminal history in sexual offenses.... I'd be the same way. I wouldn't care about meeting him face to face either.... Some people are excellent liars.

How do you know for a complete fact that the ex-wife is lying? Were you there when she was 'supposedly' raped?

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