HELP How/When do i explain to my 4yr old that his daddy isnt his biological father?

Jessica - posted on 12/03/2009

My daughter's father left us before she was two, and was involved in her life until just before she was four when we moved away to be with the most wonderful guy in the universe. They talk every week (Skype is happy!) and now that she's almost seven she is very clear that she has two daddies, one who made her and one who is with her every day.



My situation is different than yours on many levels, but even when we first moved, back when she was 3½-4, she could understand that she had a Daddy Steve and a Daddy George (names changed cause you people don't need to know!) because it was a normal and consistant part of her life. (Her daycare at the time was great about it, they called her step-father her 'bonus' daddy, so she always felt like she got something extra and special.) These days she has naturally come to call her biological father by his first name and her step-father by 'daddy' now, so she knows who loves her and chose to be with her and who didn't, even though she does have a relationship with both it's clear to her.



As long as you don't wait til they're in their mid-twenties and they've stumbled upon it by talking to the mom of the sister of a teacher who talked to your cousin's third boyfriend and found out that you guys didn't get together until after they were concieved then I think you'll be fine :) Good luck!

Betsy - posted on 12/03/2009

I would, at his level, mention it now and have it just a casual fact of his life. If he grows up knowing, and not having it a big deal, he really dosn't have to cope or deal with it. If he finds out later, it does become a big deal, and he could question everything else he has known. I had friends in that situation find out when we were teens, and it was devastating, and it really threw them. Those who always knew since they were little never found it to be a big deal, and it was just a known little fact about the family they loved. When you grow up with something, that's your normal. When you find out something later in life, especially in adolescence when you are trying to figure out your own identity, it can shake up your world. At 4, "I would just say sometimes there are 2 types of dads, one who helped make you and one who loves you and takes care of you. Your dad didn't make you, but is the best dad and aren't we all lucky to love and have each other." Then casually and comfortable keep communication open, and if he question, answer at his age level. If he asks where his bio dad, right now a simple "we don't see him because he lives far away, but you are so lucky to have your dad" will suffice.

Sharon - posted on 12/03/2009

I don't think you need to differentiate.



Has your husband adopted him? You guys could celecrate the date the adoption was finalised.



At 4 yrs, he has no clue and wouldn't understand bio versus adoptive. But working it into conversations from now won't hurt either. He'll grow up taking it in. But your husband may not appreciate constant reminders that he isn't the "real" father - so don't use that phrase. Or "like a father." I think that one is rude too.

Joy - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi Kelly I think best is just be honest as they grow up quick, tell him he has two daddys one that helped produce him and a second one that came from god.

My boyfriends son has not seen his mother since he was 8, he is 11 now. His dad tries to tell him that I am his mom but I tell him that he and his dad are God gift to me and hopefully one day he will be able to see his mom again. peace love & Joy

Nicole - posted on 11/29/2009

I went through this same thing with my daughter and I would wait a little while longer he is not going to understand. I didnt tell my daughter till she was 8. She was able to understand a lot more although she had tons of questions but way easier to explain to them at that age.

Megan - posted on 11/27/2009

There are LOTS of books regarding this at any local book store/library. Lots of them have to do with adoption and mixed family households. Good luck!

Hanneke - posted on 11/27/2009

I would tell him now, even if he don't understand. Let him grow up with the idea of having a stepfather, so that you don't surprize him at a sensetive age. Tell him he have 2 fathers and tell him the "good" thing about his bio-fathet, but that he went away, and may be when he is older he can look for him. Then tell him that you met this nice man who asked to be his real daddy because he love him so much. Tell him that the two of you thought it would be good if he have a daddy that would be with him every day. Tell him how much he is loved. Then talk about the fact that it is his stepdad to other people in front of him, so it became part of his life, he may not remember who told him this, but he will get use to the idea, won't get a nasty surprize about his dad at some stage. What is important is that he still think his biological dad loved him, even if he don't have contact with him - and this is the more difficult part. He must know that he is loved by all.

Just my opinion, hope make the right dission and GOOD LUCK
Hanneke

Sandra - posted on 11/27/2009

a father or mother sometimes is not defined by biology, daddy or mommy could be totally unbiological, Kelly stop beating yourself about the title trust yourself and sorround the precious little gift (son) surround him wth nothing but positive male role models including your partner, and trust that everything that everything will be alright. It challenging I understand.

Candice - posted on 11/26/2009

i wonder if someone has written a children's book about your kind of situation...would be a great way to broach the subject and ask him how much he understands and explain it. Even a book about different kinds of "families" or "daddies".

Simone - posted on 11/26/2009

i have the same problem my son is 7 and half years and his real dad dont want anything to do with him, we have told him when he was younger but he dont remember i have been with my husband since my son was 1
he calls my husband dad and dont know any diff. we will tell him when he is older again but he is to young to understand

Crystal - posted on 11/26/2009

I wouldn't say anything yet. The one who loves him is his Daddy!

Britny - posted on 11/26/2009

I dont think anything you can say will change the way he feels about his dad. When he gets old enough to understand it will just give him all the more reason to respect him.
I am in the same situation- kinda. i am the step mom of a boy. his mom doesnt want anything to do with him so he doesnt know different. But if he is only 4 then i would say maybe wait until he would be old enough to really understand the situation. GOOD luck.

Gail - posted on 11/26/2009

hes propabley 2 young to understand, i would wait while he is older or untill you think he is ready, you have 2 consider your sons feelings but also your partners, how does he feel about it. if you do decided to tell him then you should both tell him 2gether.

Erin - posted on 11/26/2009

It might be nice (if he hasn't done so already) for his step-dad to officially adopt him since bio dad has no interest and then when he's a bit older they can talk about the adoption to show how much he is loved. It would be a great way to bring up the subject especially in a happy positive light.

Kelly - posted on 11/26/2009

my partner (my sons dad) is not his biological father, an weve been together since i was 4months preg with my son, his biological father wants nothing to do with either of us.

Krista - posted on 11/26/2009

I think that he's a little young to have this explained to him. And by all means, he IS your son's Dad. Being a father is more than just blood and it shows a lot of character for your boyfriend to want to BE a father figure to your son. I really don't think that your son will be angry with you as long as you don't try to keep him from knowing his biological father if he so wishes. I honestly think this is a conversation for a 6 or 7 year old at the youngest.

Kathleen - posted on 11/26/2009

Sounds like my situation. My son's dad wants nothing to do with us either!!! My son who's now 11 soon to be 12 years old calls my boyfriend by his first name. I'm not sure how old your child is but I would just explain that he's the step-father, not his bio father. I would explain to your child that your daddy and I love you but we can't be together and it's not because of him (your child). I would have him start by calling him by his first name, it may be easier as it has worked for me. I never once said anything bad about my son's father, I let him grow up to create his own opinion about his father, he now hates him!! My son asked me a few years ago if I loved his dad and I told him I love your father because he gave me a beautiful son!!! Hope this helps!

Nikki - posted on 11/26/2009

well its tottaly up 2 u but reminding yrsel at a young age they dont understand y there real father dosent wont them and 2 b honest tht his step father has done his dads job most of his life he still may not b his biolagical dad but he has steped up to th position wilingly personaly i would wate a whiole cos hes still young

Kelly - posted on 11/26/2009

i 4got to mention tht his biological father doesnt want anything to do with us....