HELP!!! Im scared of what my step-son will say/do next

Becky - posted on 12/19/2009 ( 126 moms have responded )

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I have previously wrote a question a few months ago about my step-son,13, on meds for ADHD and the unhealthy things he says. Well, unfortunetly it has gotten worse. In Sept in a mattew of 2 days, he bragged to 3 kids he met that day that he almost killed someone and that his next crazy move is to strangle someone.

Today he used his grandmother's cell to text to his friend that he wanted to kill some bitch. His grandmother told him that he shouldn't speak that way,and he freaked out on her,stating that it's rude to listen in on his conversation,hates her,and wants her to leave him and his family alone. When his father tried to discipline him, my step-son was being disrespectful to him..I have 2 children,ages 16 months and 8 weeks,and don't want them influenced at all by my step-son. It's too the point where Im scared for him to come over. What do I do? Someone suggested that I make an anonymous call to the police. I want to tell my husband that either his son goes somewhere else or my children and I will stay at my parents during his time he's supposed to be at our house. PLEASE give me advice.

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GENIE - posted on 04/21/2010

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#1 You don't need help your step-son does! Talk to his doctor, with he and your husband in the same room, because if he thinks you are talking about him behind his back, he will not be happy! #2 Does your husband really know what he is doing or does he baby him? This also could make things worse if your husband is in denial! #3 do you and your step-sons mom talk? You have to have communication for the children regardless!! It takes all 3 or 4 of you to communicate to raise a blended family! I have 3 children from my first marriage, and 2 step-sons, i was afraid of my youngest step-son to at first because he acted the same way! The funny thing is he also has ADHD. The medication he is on may need to be changed You can't always go by the very first time, and the only way that is going to happen is if you are honest with the doctor, and he sees for his self how he really is!

Good luck!!

Wendy - posted on 12/20/2009

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Ok... this is situation truly tugs at my heart strings. The only thing harder than being a parent is being a step-parent. And the only thing that could be any harder than that, is being a step-parent to a child with ADHD.

First... I will speak about your situation as a step-mother. What a tough job! They will mostly resent you until they get old enough to understand the situation for themselves. But I strongly suggest you take a step back and think about what is best for everyone. Unless you feel that your young children are physically in danger from your step-son, I would not keep them away. You didn't mention anything about ACTUAL violence... only that he was making remarks about it. I get the impression that he thinks it makes him "cool" to say things like that. And while you may need to do a little clean-up after your step-son goes home, I wouldn't keep him away. Just remember that when you married your husband, he already had that child. And while it may not be the perfect situation, it is the situation that you chose. It is very important that you and your husband and the child's mother ALL get on the same page and WORK TOGETHER to help this child. If the mother refuses to work with you, then I would take the mom to court for custody so that you can take control of what influences your step-child is learning from.

Secondly... my thirteen year old has ADHD. I have dealt with it since he was four years old. I've spent YEARS researching it and becoming an expert on it because I knew that I would end up teaching a classroom full of children just like him when I started teaching. And I want to end with this... ADHD is a manageable problem. Medication will reverse the behavior that is caused by ADHD. Even some special diets can too. BUT!!! ADHD does NOT cause a child to have violent tendencies. The only thing that ADHD causes is hyperactivity, and impulsive behaviors such as not thinking about something before they speak or act. ADHD is not a violent disorder. This violence is a result of something else. I ASSURE YOU! There are many other disorders that can cause violent tendencies, but more than likely this child is upset and angry about something. I suggest therapy for your step-son... maybe even family therapy. At the very least... someone should speak to the child's doctor. But if this child is living in a bad situation, then get him away from it. Find a church group to get him involved in. The more positive environment this child can be in, the more positive behavior you will see from him.

Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 12/19/2009

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I agree that you should not have this boy around your children until he has been assessed or he behaviour improves. I would definitely talk to your hubby and voice your concerns, he must have questioned the childrens safety in his own mind?



This young boy needs some help quite obviously. I don't know much about ADHD but I didn't think it caused these negative thought patterns? Sounds to me like there is a bigger problem than ADHD there..



I don't think the police could do much as he has not actually done anything yet, sounds more like he needs a psychiatrist or someone who can assess him.



Talk to your husband and go from there.. if he is not accommodating to your fears then yep I would leave the house when the son is there or get them to go somewhere else..



Hope it all works out..

Stacey - posted on 12/19/2009

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omg I wouldn't know what to do if i was in your shoes personally I would take everything he says seriously! Parents who don't seem to regret it after something, heaven forbid, tragic happens! I would like to advise to take him to talk to a counseler or a therapist because it sounds like he has something bigger going on with him on the inside. Maybe it being you and his father having 2 more children and he is no longer the only child, or being bullied in school, whatever it is i would seriously recommend taking severe precautions and seek help! I will pray for you and your family and hope that things turn out for the best!

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Kristi - posted on 08/09/2011

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I would let your husband know in no uncertain terms that until his son receives some help in the way of counseling and a psychiatric evaluation, that he is not welcome in your home because of your safety and the safety of your children. Sounds like he is dealing with lots of anger, and you and other family members are probably an easy target. Ask your husband for support and let him know how serious you are. Maybe he doesn't see his son's behavior as being as worrisome. Check in and see what he's thinking and let him know you are there to support him in his decisions for his son. But, that being said, you must protect your family. Good luck! Don't let this kid frighten you in your own home.

Kari - posted on 04/21/2010

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sounds like my son. He was just diagnosed as bipolar and is 13. Trying to find the right meds for him. He used to have adhd diagnosis but it is switched now to bipolar instead. Just two weeks ago he was hospitalized for threatening to kill me and my husband because we asked him to please walk the dog and he didn't want.

[deleted account]

I'd like to add that, as a parent of two teen boys, that there is an incredible amount of pressure on kids today; pressure to perform, to be strong, to behave, to rebel, to be cool, and just plain know who they are. There are also a myriad of distractions, not all of which are good. There are also for many kids, unhealthy levels of stimulus they have to get unwound from (tv, internet, gaming, sport, social pressures, anxieties about all of the above), as well as be prepared for every waking hour of every day. Not all kids can cope with the many and varied demands. Boys tend to be slower to mature than girls, and that means that social issues can clash with feelings of self-worth and ego, pressures to "be cool" or "macho" often collide with the uncertain roller coaster ride of puberty... and how the heck can a 13 year-old possibly be prepared to cope? I read somewhere that it isn't the fault of the child with ADD/ADHD, it is actually an environmental problem. Some kids are just better prepared to cope than others.

I recommend seeking out a therapist with expertise in these specific issues. Go with your gut, if one isn't "clicking" seek antoher. Go through 10 if that's what it takes to find someone who can get through to your child.I would recommend against medicating until you've taken a look at counselingral assessment, and a proper diagnosis... you may need to seek out professionals with specific expertise.

Sheila - posted on 03/09/2010

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I have a son with ADHD and and I would say that you need to take him to the Dr immediatly. When they put my son on a new med his personality completely changed he became very aggressive and abusive to our daughter his sister. I took him off it and demanded that they change him back to the other one. What does he act like with his Mom? Did you keep the text if not call the provider ask them to print out a backlog. Take this to his Dr this is VERY serious. My son's Dr told us to call if there was any change as it was an indicator to a serious chemical imbalance going on. Please don't ignore this show this message to his dad. It is in everyones best insterest to put this childs well being on the front burner and keep it there until they figure out what exactly is going on. He should be able to be a happy and so should you all. You shouldn't have to fear a reprisal. My son understands that we Love him and are going to monitor him because we do care. Tell you care and its not going to change but your going to be watching him until you see him change. Talking about it as a family is essential. Good luck and keep up posted

Colleen - posted on 01/13/2010

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He sounds like he has a lot of anger. The wrong kind of medication can affect a child in a negative way too. I'd talk to his doctor about the medications and even see if he can be seen by a phsychologist-a child of his age shouldnt' be thinking about killing others.

Get him some professional help. Don't leave your babies alone with him.

Colleen - posted on 01/13/2010

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It sounds like your step son is acting out to get attention, unfortunately it's negative attention due to the behaviour he is exhibiting.



Perhaps he's feeling left out, because his Dad has a new family (since both of your children are young and need lots of their Daddy's attention...which is wonderful) that requires more of his attention than he does at 13 years old.



I'd sit down with your husband, and discuss ways to make things better for all of you. Being that your 16 month old is now going to be picking up vocabulary from those around him/her they need the air to be filled with happy words etc.



Perhaps your husband and your step son should have father & son time away from the home for awhile; to give them both some quality time together...there must be many local hot spots...laser tag, the movies, an arcade or whatever they like to do together. For awhile until they can work through all that's going on.



Perhaps the one on one time with his Dad will make him remember that he too is an important part in his Dad's life.



Eventually the two of them can get to the root of the problem and let the son know that he shouldn't talk that way to or about anyone and that his behaviour and vocabulary will not be tolerated in your home.



Perhaps later on the visits could be one with just his dad and the next with his step family and alternate them.



13 is a difficult age for most kids, let a lone a child who has a split family and a step family and is still wanting to be a little boy and the apple of his fathers eye.



It's hard to juggle all of this I'm sure...but given time, patience, some one to one calm chats and some quality time with his Dad and then all of you too -it should all work out.



One day at a time.



Enjoy your children. We bond with our biological children immediately (at conception for most, but definitely at birth)...we need to become friends with step children and build that relationship with them, like we would that of a new friend...give it time, space, patience and lots of love.



Good luck.

Colleen

Njoki - posted on 01/12/2010

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be nice to the boy co'z you are now his new mum. i think you and the father should spend more time with him as a family and make him feel loved. also watch him closely and seek a psychiatrist opinion.

CHRISTINE - posted on 01/12/2010

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I AM SORRY TO LEARN OF U PROBLEM WITH U SSON. HE IS SUFFERING FROM ADHD BUT HE SURELY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS SAYING AND DOING .I AM SURE U WOULD LIKE TO HELP HIM .BUT THERE SO MUCH U CAN DO .I DO HOPE U ARE NOT LEAVING U KIDS AROUND HIM UNSUPERVISED .GOD FORBID HE TRIES TO HURT U BABY .I PRAY HIS FAMILY WILL TAKE HIS THREAT SERIOUSLY AND GET HELP FOR HIM.ITS VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE SUFFERING WITH ADHD .TAKE AND I AM HOPING FOR THE BEST FOR BOTH FAMILY GOD BLESS.

Holly - posted on 01/04/2010

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Talk to your husband and make sure he knows you are worried. Also, get his opinion on whether this is an attention thing or if there may be something more serious underlying. I think that many men will be unwilling to admit there may be "something wrong" with one of their children so be prepared for some opposition and be as gentle and open minded as you can when bringing it up. Then, try looking at the situation in a different way. What if this behavior was coming from your own son. Not your step son. What action would you take? If you try to remind yourself that he is your son too, it will be easier to find him the help he needs and not to look at him as an outsider of whom you are afraid. If you are scared...protect your children and yourself. Absolutely.



Good luck. Whatever you do...don't sit on this. Take some action.

Holly - posted on 01/04/2010

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Talk to your husband and make sure he knows you are worried. Also, get his opinion on whether this is an attention thing or if there may be something more serious underlying. I think that many men will be unwilling to admit there may be "something wrong" with one of their children so be prepared for some opposition and be as gentle and open minded as you can when bringing it up. Then, try looking at the situation in a different way. What if this behavior was coming from your own son. Not your step son. What action would you take? If you try to remind yourself that he is your son too, it will be easier to find him the help he needs and not to look at him as an outsider of whom you are afraid. If you are scared...protect your children and yourself. Absolutely.



Good luck. Whatever you do...don't sit on this. Take some action.

Heidi - posted on 12/30/2009

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Your husband and his ex need to talk to someone about getting a psych eval for their son. The things he is saying are dangerous and should be taken seriously. If he doesn't get treatment for his behavior you are facing some really scary times. If you feel that the situation is not safe for your children I don't blame you for wanting to keep them apart. The psychologist will be a great help in realizing whether this is just attention seeking behavior, or if it is something more serious.

Kathryn - posted on 12/25/2009

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Keep your kids safe!! There should be no questions about what you should do. If the Dad's not acting on the best interest of his oldest son & getting him the help he needs; what good is Dad to you and your two little ones?! Take your kids out of the home when the oldest child is there & hope that sees how serious of an issue this is.

Rita - posted on 12/24/2009

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You know what to do. Get out when he's around. If possible, write the kid a letter stating how you need to feel safe and your little ones do too. I wonder if he's meds are contributing to his anger. Is he in counseling? I know that sounds like a pat response but it could be he's simply angry about his "condition" and takes it out on others. I'd call the police not anonymously and have them visit w/him about what the legal consequences are to his threatening behavior. I'm saying that from the perspective that I also have a son (adopted at 6 months, he's now 10) and I've considered "scaring him straight" too. It sounds like you need to involve "some" professional b4 the police come knocking at your door and you need to defend what he's done -- or pay for it monetarily. I've heard that there are independent Educational Consultants that search for the best "boot camp" schools across the nation. I have a friend whose daughter went to one at the age of 15 and has now thanked the mom (at 21) for sending her there b/c no one could help them locally. We're going to look into that option if things escalate for our son. Good luck and STAY SAFE!

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i had add an adhd as a kid an i never threaten to kill someone,an i no every child is different but that is deep i think that is a whole nuther issue in it self, an he needs to see a doctor about that. an i wouldnt want him around my kids neither i understand how you feel about that you have two babies to worry about an ya he is your step son but he does have a mother, does she no all the stuff that he says, i dunno about calling the police because that might start something but untill, his issues get handeled it probally would be best to stay at your parents house, an that does sound messed up but you you have two babies two helpless babies an he is well 13 an has some really messed up/bad thoughts, but you should also talk to your husband about all these issues an feeling that you having good luck

Lakesha - posted on 12/23/2009

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You and ur husband need to sit down and discuss this situation. What does he say about all this stuff his son says?. This is a very serious matter because what if he decides to get upset with your children. I believe this calls for some serious therapy. I hope everything turns out OK.

Diana - posted on 12/23/2009

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runnn to ur parents when he comes over hes threating to kill how do you know it wont be one of your babies and GET THE POLICE INVOLVED this child is either not stable or needs attention and is acting out either way hes a child and needs help

Deb - posted on 12/23/2009

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Becky,

This sounds like a very serious situation. I would have to ask when this behavior started. It could be in response to the new siblings (attention-seeking). However, this could be a very real situation where this child is a threat to himself or others. In which case, it's a cry for help and should be addressed immediately with an evaluation for further treatment. I hope this is helpful.

Andrea - posted on 12/23/2009

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i have dealt with something similar, if your husband wont get his son evaluated for something other than ADHD then your local child protective services needs to be called. Let them know what he has said and done and that you fear for your childrens safety with him in your house. I hope all goes well. Good Luck

Gail - posted on 12/22/2009

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y not suggest your husband to have his son seek professional help..Show extra effort of being a good mom to him also,even he is only ur step-son..

User - posted on 12/22/2009

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I feel for you , my son is 17 and he has always been difficult with these kind of behaviors. You alienate him and make your husband choose and you will lose your marriage!!. L ike it or not you married the man and now you have to find a way to make it work..No parent should have to make a choice..

User - posted on 12/22/2009

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get his mother involved.you need toput your kids first so take a holiday at your parents.good luck xx

Bridget - posted on 12/22/2009

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I think it's time to seek counseling. Since he is currently medicated for his ADHD it may also be time to re-evaluate his medications, perhaps his current levels need to be readjusted.Speak to his primary care physician regarding counselors in the area who specialize in this type of illness and behaviour. Alienating him from his younger siblings and yourself may make his situation worse, he may feel abandoned. I do understand your concern for your younger children, I would just suggest highly supervised visitations with them and tons of positive re-enforcement for good behaviour and positive teaching for bad behaviour. Good luvk to you all!!i

Samantha - posted on 12/22/2009

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Wow that is scary you have to believe anything now days that comes out of childrens mouths first you need to tell your husband to get him help or you will and dont back down your stepson needs you and if noone else is taking him seriuos you need to step in if your husband doesnt take him in to a hospital himself them you need to go to DCF and im serious dont waste time remember school is in we dont need any school shooting again since you know of this issue you have to do something you cant let it slide thats what everyone else did that knew how all those other kids were plotting acting and thinking so no matter what people say go get him help let us know how it goes

Indi - posted on 12/21/2009

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Your step-son is obviously having some problems. It sounds like a cry for attention.



Does your husband get to spend much father and son time with him? You said your son is on Meds for ADHD, I have a daughter that has ADD and when she would misbehave she said it was because of that. Well I'm sorry I don't agree and feel that if ADD and ADHD become an excuse for bad behavior that is not acceptable. Neither of these disabilities cause bahavioral problems. I suggest bringing him to a counselor or speaking to his Dr. about some of the things he is saying or doing. Maybe a modification of his meds is in order or there may be an underlying problem that hasn't been addressed. It is hard at his age to deal with many things. Puberty really is dificult for kids when they don't have the guidance they need.



Does his mother have many issues with him? Is there a man in her life that maybe he is having difficulty with? The behavior you spoke of is more or less learned from somewhere. He most definately owes his grandmother a huge apology! He needs to be sat down and made aware of the implications his behavior can have and the consequences of it as well. You are right to be concerned where your other two children are involved. But you don't want this to cause problems with you or your husband either. This is when showing support for each other is at the utmost importance. If he sees you two siding against each other I worry he will take advantage of that and play you against each other. Ground rules are needed and support of each other is a must.



Is it possible that he may be Bi-polar? Is he getting bullied at school? I hope that what I have said may have helped and not upset you. I don't know you or the situation in it's entirety. I'm just trying to help.



I truely hope it all works out for you and your family. Please concider talking to his Dr. about these things though. As for calling the police I don't think that would be a good idea. It would only push him further and give him the wrong kind of attention. If he's looking to push buttons then he will only have succeeded and the problems will escalate.



I have gone threw and read some of the other post here and just wanted to add a bit more.



I am a Divorced mother of two. My ex and I have a 50/50 custody. When the kids would misbehave and get grounded they would tell me "that's ok we are going to dads in a day or two and we won't be grounded anymore" I spoke with my ex about this and we have decided to back each other up when it comes to disipline. Now when I ground them and they go back to his house he continues the punishment there as well. This made the kids realize they didn't have the upper hand and couldn't play us against each other. Let me tell you there has been a big change in acting out from them now.



I believe your step son is just trying to find his place within the two families. He is the oldest so a lot falls on him. He needs to know that he is just as much a part of your life as you are his. I stand by my opinion that he may be bi-polar but there are some other things that can be contributing. Finding out what those may be will be difficult when there is lack of communication due to fear, anger, and such.



Certain foods can cause severe attitude changes whether it's sugar, caffeine, or allergies. Maybe he has been hurt and finds his behavior pushes people away making him feel safer that if he rejects you and your family first then he won't be hurt as much if he gets rejected by everyone else.



There are just so many different things that could be going on. The most important is to talk to him about these issues and how they make you feel. Try and open up to him and get him to open up to you.



Maybe give him a journal to jot down his thoughts. Let him know that he can write whatever he wants and not be repremanded for it. Then discuss it with him.

Please, Please get him into some counseling though. Talk to your husband and work on getting on the same page with confronting the issues as they come up and working together to find a solution for them. This will show your son that you both care about him and are a united force so there will be no room for him to manipulate either of you. Your husband definately needs to put his foot down and demand his son's respect for himself, you, the kids, and gramma. That type of behavior should not be overlooked and must be addressed firmly and immediatley.



There are also some books for Kids with Divorced parents. Maybe this would be worth looking into.



I hope that I have helped in giving you some ideas. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you and your family.

Maxine - posted on 12/21/2009

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HELLO, TRUTH IS I KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO. BUT YOUR NOT ME...LOL.. IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT BEST THING TO DO IS TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND HOW YOUR FEEL AND ASK HIM WHAT DOES HE THINK YOU SHOULD DO.. IF NONE OF THAT WORKS TAKE YOUR KIDS, AND GO TO YOUR MOMS HOUSE FOR 1 YOUR KIDS COME FIRST. IF THAT BOY DISRESPECTS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS TO HAVE HIS DAD DEAL WITH IT DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE IS NOT YOUR SON. AND IF THE FATHER CANNOT HANDLE THEN SEND HIM TO HIS MOMS AND HAVE HER DEAL WITH IT. IF NONE OF THAT WORKS GET HIM INTO A PROGRAM WHERE THEY CAN GIVE HIM THE HELP HE NEEDS.. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG W/ SHOWING TOUGH LOVE

Ann - posted on 12/21/2009

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This is NOT "ADHD" in this child!!!! I have two ADHD children, one 23 and one who is 9 and they are both the most respectful and considerate kids around. They were/is only impulsive in the classroom and can't focus without his medication for reading etc. This teenager has some other problems "well" beyond the realms of ADHD. I would suggest calling the counselor at school and ask for suggestions in your situation. His outrage towards grandma...I may be wrong...but sounds like this kid is highly involved in drugs and no matter what you do its "not going to matter" until he crashes!!! Been there, done that with another son in a divorce/remarry situation...no matter what you say or do....he will do what he wants!! You are right to worry about the young ones. Not a small thing to ignore. I apologize if I scare you, but one of my own sons had a problem and I had a wall behind me suddenly with holes and a new glass top stove smashed when his anger escallated. This kid needs help and a parent is not the one to do it....and probably not even the cops unless he pops one of them. More than likely it sounds like he needs some serious rehab!!! I don't know where you live and what type of fluence surrounds him at school and in the street, but he has learned the "bully" attitude well. If you threaten your husband...it will probably be more against you than for you. Have him go with you to go to talk to a counselor and explain the "out of the ordinary" behavior you are seeing in the 13 year old. They are the professionals and know the signs of various things that could be happening and make suggestions. Nothing is concrete, but blaming it on ADHD is definitely not the reason here. It is obviously so much more!!! If he is even hinting at "killing" at school the school professionals should be reporting it!!! That alone is a danger to others. Has anyone checked his notebooks, etc???? You are right to be concerned!!!

Andrea - posted on 12/21/2009

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This is a very scarey situation, i would first make sure he was on his meds every time he came over, i would also sit down and talk to ur husband and discuss better ways of enjoying his son, u can't just ignore him or completely get rid of ur children seeing him, but u can control how, when and where they see him:( Good Luck

Sherrise - posted on 12/21/2009

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I think ur stepson needs sum alone time wit you an ur husband.jus so he knows he cannot act like that..Its unhealthy..but a cry fer sum attention..Its this ADHD....it makes him think like he does an act out like that...You should look it up and understand why ur son acts the way he does....with his meds ,which hhe should be taking on a regular basis, his behavior should improve...also do research on his meds that he is on...This disorder as I call it...affects his pattern of thinking and his behavior....I hope my words of sum wut advice is helpful..:)

Natasha - posted on 12/21/2009

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Quoting Gloria:

I got tired of seeing what she was doing to her mother and family. i beat her butt with a belt and talked to her about her behavior and how it hurts the people who love her. she has been so much better because she knows that there is a price to pay for her actions.


Most of the time, if these children have other medical issues - "beating their butts" only intensifies the behavior. I am not against corporal punishment, but these type of kids do not do well with it. You should take the advice of getting outside help. He is more than simply ADHD or like one mom said it could be the meds. My son to strattera .. and became literally homicidal.

Amy - posted on 12/21/2009

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I have ADHD so I understand how hard it can be. What kind of treatment is he getting? Did you know that almost all people with some form of mental health problems have more than one? (For example, I have ADHD, and a little bit of OCD). It's possible that he has something else too.

I think that you need to see about getting him some better help, you may not have the right to, but you can influence your husband to. Most people with ADHD, if they need medication, can function just like normal.

I do think that you should not allow your children to be around him, if your scared about what you did and didn't do anything about it, you would feel so guilty if something did happen!

Get him help, keep your kids away until you know he's better!

Gloria - posted on 12/21/2009

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I feel lead to tell you that i have a grandchild who was diagnosed ADHD and she has been showing off something terrible with her parents, aunts and counsins. She has a temper and tears up things, cusses and even runs away at 11. I got tired of seeing what she was doing to her mother and family. i beat her butt with a belt and talked to her about her behavior and how it hurts the people who love her. she has been so much better because she knows that there is a price to pay for her actions. she still shows out but no where as often or as bad as before.

Molly - posted on 12/21/2009

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This is not a situation that a mother of 2 small children should have to solve. My advice is get outside help. His father will need to be the one most closely involved. I recommend family counseling, first for father and son together, then a separate individual counselor will probably be recommended for the son. He has deeper issues that either you are unaware of or not able to share on this forum. We don't really need to know anyway. It is very hard to get inside the head of a teenager and professionals are the best resource.
Final note, not all couselors are equal. Ask around and get recommendations. Many counselors wil meet with you briefly just to find out if they are a good fit. I hope his dad is up to this challenge, but good can still come from it in the end.
Wishing you and your family healing and peace,
Molly

Gloria - posted on 12/21/2009

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First i have to admit that i am not a fan of the meds used for ADHD. I find that alot of the parents of these children are actually afriad of their children and the children use that to cause havoc and confession in the home. These are our children. When they do wrong they MUST be disciplined. They have to know who is in charged and that there are consequences for their actions ADHD or not. You and your husband are going to have to make some hard choices about how to handle his behavior and stick with it. Find you a church that believes in the power of prayer and get him involved in activities at the church where he can be around positive Holy Spirit filled people that are praying for him and supportive of your family.

FayAnne - posted on 12/21/2009

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And i also wanted to add that it very well maybe be the medications that are doing this!!!! I was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child they put me on medications and it just made things worse i would bounce off the walls and say hurtful crazy things. later on they tried to diagnose me with other thins such as borderline bipolar, anxiety, depression the medication made me feel terrible!! Now as an adult i have been to multiple doctors for different opions bc i have always felt i was misdiagnosed as a child now they say the only this i have is slight anxiety!!!! All the stuff i went through as a kid, all the medication just for them to tell me later on in life that i am fine i was always fine. i would definitely suggest to the mother and father that they go back to the doctor and explain what is going on and possibly switch the medication or wean him off and take it away completely just to see how he reacts to the medications and get him re diagnosed! But i still stand by what i said previously you need to remove you own children from the situation.

Susan - posted on 12/21/2009

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Wow! I'm so sorry this happening to you. This seems like a much bigger problem than ADHD. That's not an excuse for violent and threatening behavior. If he's not in counseling, than he needs to be, and quickly. After reading everyone else's responses, I agree with pieces of several. Both his father and his mother should be made aware of what he's said and done before it's too late. You and you own children are at risk. It's not about loving him any less. It's about the safety of the rest of the family. It's highly possible that he has something additional going on inside him that he can't control on his own. He may not be able to help himself, which means that someone needs to step in get him the help he clearly needs. God Bless you and good luck!

FayAnne - posted on 12/21/2009

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hey, i agree with the other moms when they say that this is not just ADHD. ADHD is not a violent behavior there is most certainly something else going on. I do disagree with moms saying you should not remove yourself and your children from the situation because he has not shown ACTUAL violence!!! That is just ludicrous!!! If you wait for him to actually get violent you or your children could wind up dead!!!! Haven't you read the news all these teenager killing other people because they want to know what it feels like to kill someone. Like that boy who was in the news about two weeks ago he killed his own brother because he wanted to know what it felt like he strangled him until there was blood coming out from his nose and ears and then threw his body away like old garbage!!!!! I am sorry but i would not put my own children at risk to save another and that is not selfish what would be selfish is if you stayed because you didnt want to leave this man and felt bad for this boy. i mean i do have sympathy for this boy obviously he has alot of emotional problems right now and he may be having a hard time dealing with them. If you did not have two young children i would say try to help him but these kids do not need to be exposed to this or possibly getting hurt or killed. some might say these are just threats but in most cases threats turn into actions.

Gennine - posted on 12/21/2009

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Hi Becky, my name is Gennine...I also thought my son at one time had ADHD ...He was acting the same way. But It turned out that it was the medication he was on. He was talking to his friends about kiling his sister...But The meds he was on was making him nutz and more wound up . Try and talk to the mother and see about taking him off those meds and trying something new before he does do something rash. We tried about five diff. meds before finding the right one...ANd another thing...Doctors arent always right...If he ADHD stands for attention defecite hyper active disorder..He is a kid and inmuture..he might have been acting like a kid when he was diagnosed...most kids are hyper....its natural...but put on a medication for it can sometimes make it worse. I finally took my son and daughter off the meds. they were both diagnosed with adhd...they are both fine now ...NAd if he is hanging with a bunch of kids and saying that..He is just trying to show off..To be the bully instead of being bullied...Most kids do that....He sees vilance all around him from videio games to the real world...plus he is also confused because he is in a broken home...try and sit down as a family with all of you including his mother as an intervention and with out your other children there so he is not distracted. o tv or radio on...or you can all go to counceling. make him sit down and find out what is going on with him...no yeling but just to talk...he might just want to be heard or he needs more attention that he isnt getting from someone or from all of you....my son and daughter is now fine they are both doing very well without the meds.. when my step-son came to live with us..he was also doing the same thing...I sat and talked to him about things before they got out of hand with his mouthyness...and now we are fine together....I hope this advise helps you and you have happy holidays...if you need anything else please write to me on facebook at Genuine Murtiff....

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Your husband needs to be on board with the following plan. My assumption is that the Pediatrician is following him for ADHD. He absolutely needs to seen, and regularly by a physciatrist. (Good luck finding a good one that is covered by health insurance). The adults and the the child need to be followed by a physcologist and begin conseling now. I have a nearly 18 year old who has had a very rough teenage life due to her ADHD. Our family life has been turned upside down. Currently she is in Military school, on meds and in conseling. I can sleep at night knowing she is safe...Things at my home are still not ideal, but better than they were. Good Luck

Nikki - posted on 12/21/2009

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I have a step child and that has got to be the hardest thing in the world. Maybe you should try to get him in to some counseling. If he lives with his mom maybe there are some issues there. It sounds like he needs some serious help

Jennifer - posted on 12/21/2009

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my friends little boy has aspergers syndrome and is very similar in his outbursts of temper he is nine and although he has never bragged of violence he has used voilence on his mother, younger sister, various members of his family and myself. He only threatened to hit me once I told him to hit me and see what would happen I said I'd call the police on him and have him arreasted it gave him second though although he would not have been arreasted it gave him second thought.
recently my friend was down town and had brought some books for him when he started acting up and punching his sister, she said to stop it or she would through the books in the nearest bin.. he didnt so she threw them.. his reaction? to punch her in the arm and face giving her a black eye and calling her every anme under the sun in the middle of the street. my friend snapped and calmly got out her mobile and called the police saying she'd like to report an assult she had never done this before, the poilce told her to stay wheree she was with him and sent out a police car to go pick them up and take them to the station where he got a tour of the cells and a stern telling off. she was told in front of him if he was to ever do anything like that again she was to call them and they would let him cool off in a cell. it was enough to frighten him and he has been a lot better since. hes still no angel but he knows she wouldn't hesitate to call them again.
you and your husband need to show a untied front and tell him that you will not put up with him being disrespectfull towards either of you, its not good for him, your children or yourselves. he may be acting up more because of the new one is it posible for your husband to take him out for a while first to have some father and son time together first before he comes to the rest of you? or maybe if your parents can look after your two younger ones so that he gets two on one affection? its just a sugestion and might help him to be able to share why he says and does those things? good luck x

Renae - posted on 12/21/2009

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Unfortunately I dont think the police will be able to do anything anyway, you dont have evidence of an actual crime.



What treatment is this boy getting for his ADHD? Is he under the care of a psychiartist? Or is he simply medicated by a GP? Perhaps he needs to be on a special treatment program including therapy.



On the other hand, the behaviour you are describing doesn't necessarily sound ADHD, it sounds like an unruly teenager who is shooting his mouth off and needs someone to step up and shut it for him. Sorry that probably sounds a bit harsh but I know how my husband would react if our son ever behaved like this and the boy would be put right back in his place. My brother has 3 boys they are now 24, 21 and 15 and they all went through phases during their teenage years when my brother had to be hard on them and show them who was boss. They all got too big for their boots at some point.



You have every right to remove your children from this situation and not have them there when he comes to stay. It is wrong for you to feed unsafe in your own home. I would probably ban him from my home unless he behaves. I would probably also call his bluff and stand up to him and put him right back in his place. But that's me and its easier said than done.



Do you believe this boy is actually capable of hurting someone or do you think he is just enjoying the shock-value and attention of being "crazy"?

Denise - posted on 12/21/2009

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This boy needs serious help and theraphy. He's obviously has issues with love and attention being from a divorced home and with step children involved. Besides puberty at 13 he's dealing with alot of emotional issues. To talk to his Grandmother like that a light should go off. Don't just stand around get him into couseling!!!

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2009

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Telling another parent your husband or not to make a choice of having their child bad/good around is usually never a good idea and would cause issues. When this step son is around don't leave him alone with your kids ever obviously he is not stable. Talk to your husband about your issues calmly and be concerned how you approach and discuss this with him. Go through the facts and fears and concerns in your head before you start talking to him and get wound up about it or he will feel attacked and natural reaction is to defend our children and that is his kid. Pay attention to how he responds back to you. This may be what this kid wants. He might just be upset about daddy's new life and acting out show him it can be a good life and lead by example. My concern is why is this kid acting like this not that he is... what is home life like for him at his mothers? Is this him acting out? Has anyone thought of counceling for the kid? Tuff Love.. be his friend, be concerned for him, don't let him get away with things or push you around, set your rules stick by them but let him know he is welcome in your home and find something productive for him to turn his mind to and do it with him. What does he like and not video games all day... you take the active roll and take control. Does he like skate parks, sports, music he is 13 he's going to want to be the cool kid... don't let him have you buy him a load of crap just participate in things. Take him to the movies.... maybe hubby can watch the younger ones and you have a spur of the moment idea to go to the movies but you don't want to take the lil kids that's not fun but what movies would he suggest and why doesn't he come with you just to get out and do something ;) ;) try it... this isn't going to change over night. Chances are there will be a pattern for a while but it can improve at least a little with effort given.

Shannon - posted on 12/20/2009

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Oh My!! Well first of all i'm sorry your going through this with your stepson. And ADHD does not make you do all of that. He has other issues. First of all he need a gool old fashione ass whippin. And second he would not be welcome over to my house anymore if it were me. You have your other children to think about. And you should go to your local police station to see it they have any programs for out of control kids. But before you do this let your husband know, don't do it behind his back. And tell him how you feel. Hope it works out for you.

Natasha - posted on 12/20/2009

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My 13 yr old step-son has been going through many of these issues as well. He was dx at 5 with ADHD and just this year with oppositional defiant disorder. What that means is ... I'm going to do what I want when I want ... he does and says a lot of things to get peoples attention and look "kewl"; my ss lives with us 24/7, so it is something that I have had to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe talk to the father about therapy. Is this a new relationship? Maybe he is rebelling against you and the "new" children. I think that therapy, and you and your dh working together will solve this right quick :) Your dh has to show that you and he are together, and also that he will not tolerate this behavior. It could also be the mother putting things in his head ... you have to find the source before you can fix the issue. I would not call the police unless the child hits you or hurts one of the other children. Furthermore, leaving for your parent's house with the kids may put a strain on your marriage .. you two need to have a united front. Seek help from a professional for the child. I wish the best of luck!

Gitanjali - posted on 12/20/2009

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Would advise you to please first talk to your husband and tell him your feelings and what influence it would have on your other two kids. Then see what he has to say. Maybe he also would be able to guide you on this issue. Pray and trust in the Lord.

Theresa - posted on 12/20/2009

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I would talk to his dad about having him re-evaluated. It sounds like much more than ADHD to me. that sounds more like bipolar. If nothing else, his meds definately need to be adjusted. I put my oldest into daytreatment because we were having problems with him that I couldn't fully explain to his psych. I figured there they could see him during the behaviors and figure things out. They took him off all meds and started from scratch. He was tons better when he was done there. He was only in it for about 1 1/2 - 2 months. It was just during the school day. they got all his school work from his regular school and worked on that there so he didn't fall behind.

Cristol - posted on 12/20/2009

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Does he see a counselor? cause if he does have adhd and if he is not getting help he could be acting out to have you help him! and you should sit down and talk to your husband about it maybe he is acting out cause he feels less important then your other kids! but really he should see a counselor!

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