help me my son is out of control?

Victoria - posted on 07/10/2011 ( 79 moms have responded )

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my 5 year old son uses a very nasty tone speaking to me if i ask him something instead of him just saying na mum he is rude and obnoxious. He doesn't stop no matter how bad the consequence and i just dont know what to do anymore he is an A student at school but at home or in public he hits me threatens to break things that are mine and also threatens to hurt me eg. with a hammer and yells and screams nasty words at me any advice would be great thanks

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JuLeah - posted on 07/10/2011

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Somewhere some how he has learned this manner of speaking and somewhere some how has been taught to use it at home.



That the behavior is not seen in other settings is a good sign, in that, it is learned and can be unlearned.



He is angry and sharing that with you using the only method he has to communicate



Professional help is needed, maybe, but use care. Kids react to ... something. They respond to .... something. Make sure that something is discovered and that your son is not labeled as the cause of the problem. He is not the cause, he is the mirror reflecting the cause.



Right? he doesn't have a disorder ... he is telling you that something in his life is not working.

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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My oldest has ODD, but also has Asperger's, ADHD, Bipolar, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. ODD can be managed at home but it does take work. Kids with ODD aren't like regular kids. The reason time outs don't work is because they sit and plot revenge. (When I say that I don't mean they are plotting how to kill you just how they are going to make you misrable for putting them in time out.) Kids with ODD don't do well with change things have to remain the same at home. From how the furniture is placed to what time dinner is served. So scheduale is very important and it has to remain the same everyday even in the summertime. It takes about 2 monthes for them to completely adjust to a new scheduale. You can make adjustments but if you know say 2 monthes ahead start preparing him for the change.

His screaming fits. You can yell back you have to keep your cool. It just makes him want to yell and he will win. You will feel defeated and he will walk away with a grin. Make him a cool down place. When you see that he is starting to react take him to his place and have things he can do normaly things like coloring or reading. Nothing breakable or anything he can hurt himself. This is his time out without him realizeing it. No TV, video games, or game systems. You are trying to get his mind to relax and stop moving 50 million miles a second. When he comes out and is back to the lovable boy you know shower him with love and affection. Hug him, kiss him, and tell him you love him. Even if you are still really stressed out about a tantrum he need to hear it. If you don't react to a tantrum it will end a lot sooner than if you react. It isn't easy but it will help I promise.

Now for the store. Make a list and sit down with him and tell him what you are going to the store for. Stay to the list and only the list even if you realize you forgot something don't pick it up just make a mental note and have your husband grab it on his way home. As he learns that the list doesn't get broken that can change but not for at least six monthes because he is learning that you ae not going to waver from the list which means if he sees something he wants and it isn't on the list he isn't getting it. At first it won't stop the tantrum but it will help you stand your ground and keep you from forgeting everything you need. For awhile keep it to one store in a day it will help keep him from getting overstimulated. If he sees something and wants it. Just remind him it isn't on the list so you won't be getting it today. When he flys into a rage just take him by the hand and continue shopping and then go straight home. Put him in his cool off place. And put away your things and go to your room and put your face in a pillow and scream. It helps I promise. Cry too if you need to.

It is a long process. Give him a point system and reward chart as well. It will be more of a behavior chart for him. It will give him priviledges that he has to earn and really that is all they want to do is make you proud. Just stick with it. It will work just takes a while.

You still need to take him to have him diagnosed to make sure ODD is exactly what is going on. In most cases once you get through the main changes medicine isn't needed to control behavior.

Jodi - posted on 07/11/2011

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I would think that if he had ODD (or any other disorder), it would be evident in his behaviour in other settings as well (such as school). I am in agreement with JuLeah that if he is only behaving like this at home, it appears to be a learned behaviour that CAN be undone, and is not a disorder. Now whether you can undo this on your own without professional help is another matter.

What sort of consequences are there to his behaviour at the moment? You haven't mentioned how you are currently disciplining him. And is dad in his life? Or a father figure?

[deleted account]

Victoria

My heart goes out to you. My first born was himself quit nasty from about 2 - 7. I don't know if I can really help her but I can tell you what I did.

He did not threaten me so much but yelling hitting breaking throwing things were fairly common. Nothing seem to stop him once he got going.

the first thing that helped me was that I realized the he and I had gotten in the habit of fighting over specific things (like whether or not he was going to eat dinner). It may not be make sense or be possible but I just started to avoid those things. With dinner for example. I made it and if he didn’t eat oh well. And Yes he yelled screamed hit threw things. I tried to ignore him . I confess I often failed at this.

It got worse before it got better.

After I had gotten out of the fighting habit I would send him to his room the minute he started. This at times meant that I carried him, kicking, screaming, punching me all the way there. I left him in there. (I seriously recommend taking out anything that is not his or that you value) I had to hold the door shut. I hear that there are children who give up after 30 minutes - yeah not mine.

I did not replace anything that got busted. I checked periodically to make sure that he had not hurt himself on anything. It took me a couple of tries to stop myself from confronting him about what he was breaking. He beat in the back of at least one door. eventually it got better. but it took a really long time.

He is now a somewhat sensitive but usually well behaved kid. - he is 10 today. I still get in arguments with him but no hitting or punching: he does yell at time though.

I know that this is not an easy or quick solution. And it can be really hard if you, god forbid, have anything else to do. But it worked for me.

I also recommend that you get friend or someone you can really trust to be there when he is acting up who you can talk to about all of this. Hopefully this person can also relieve you from door watch periodically.

It can be really hard at times. You love your son and you just want him to be happy and have friends.(If he is anything like mine was that is not going well) And let’s face other people are pretty much always quick to judge and slow to help

In terms of seeking a professional to see if there is something wrong with your son. It couldn't really hurt. It will probably take a while as you still need to figure out how to deal with this in the mean time.

Katherine - posted on 07/12/2011

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I agree with Elizabeth. Maybe start a reward chart. See how that goes...make it really simple for him so he doesn't fail.

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Mary - posted on 01/23/2013

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Time to take him to a counselor have him analyzed. My children have anger issues quite similar. My boy 10 was diagnoised adhd, odd and border line bipolar( which in children under the age of 16 is classified as ddd. Defiant disorder disease. To be truthful what happened when you were growing up were you classified with a disorder, or were you simply dealt with not sparing the rod. Read the Bible children need disipline, this new way takes control away from the parents and puts you children in control, I don't know about anyone else but if my 10 year old is out of control now throwing things threating me and family what will 15 years old be like. We don';t need to medicate our children we need the proper counseling, ones that work with children without the heavy stimulants to mar their brains. I'm looking into alternative medicine will keep you all posted.

Jade - posted on 01/19/2013

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hi when i look after my little cousin hes 5 as well and when his naughty do thiss if you come down to his level give him eye contact and use a low firm voice not shouting just talking loudly say to him you do not shout at me you do not hit me thats naughty behaviour thiss your warning if you hit me again i will put you on the naughty step if he dose it again u take him to the naughty step and sit him on you come down to his level with eye contact and low firm tone voice and say to him i told you not to hit me and you hit me again thats very naughty you will stay there and till i come and get you and you come back to him 5 mins later if eh gets off you place him back with no communication no eye contact other wise he wont take you serous and keep placing him back untill he stays there and once his 5 mins are up come back to him come down to his level with eye contact and low firm tone voice and say to him do you know why mummy put you here its because you hit me and i told you not to that was naughty i want you to tell me your sorry if he dose not say sorry then leave him there till he ses sorry when he ses his sorry make sure he says it nicely he dose not say it nicely then he stays there after kisses and cuddles then take away one of his toys and let him know why you are taking away his toy and give it back to him in 2 days i hope it helps let me know you need any more help

Mary - posted on 09/13/2012

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You're not alone in this situation. My 10 year old son is the same no matter what I do, each year he gets worse. What do you do?

Jane - posted on 08/15/2011

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I have a sixteen yo, 6' 1", 220 pounds, who is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar. He takes meds, goes to counseling, and knows for certain that if he hurts me I WILL call the cops. He has been in trouble with Adult Protective Services because he was abusive towards his father, my husband, who was both disabled and over 65. Fortunately for him, his offenses are as a juvenile.

In addition, he knows that he WILL NOT get what he wants if he is abusive. He will not have his laundry done, or food made for him, or his allowance if he doesn't coexist civilly with me. In addition, if he breaks something that belongs to him, it is not repaired or replaced. If he breaks something of mine, the repair or replacement comes out of his Christmas money. At one point all he had in his room was a mattress, and he didn't have a door, because he destroyed everything else.

And finally, he knows that if he continues to behave badly we WILL send him away. He spent 5 months in residential treatment at one point and doesn't want to go back.

Write down what he needs to do and what he gets in return if he complies. Also write down what happens if he doesn't comply. Discuss this with him and post copies in several places. Then follow this contract to the letter, and require him to do the same. Be consistent, stand your ground, and call the cops if he gets abusive.

Stacy - posted on 08/15/2011

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What about for a 15 year old? Keeping in mind hes 6'1'' and a sophomore in high school....!!

Jane - posted on 08/15/2011

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It isn't just a case of "learning" it from someone. It is genetic and due to a difference in how his brain works. Kids with ODD enjoy creating chaos. They get an adrenalin rush from it. They need to learn that if they really want a good life they need to calm themselves down. Guanfacine can help ease the need for anger, and various sorts of anger management counseling are helpful, but even better is a reward system that is very consistently enforced. If he does as you ask he gets the reward; if he stays angry he does not get what he wants. They usually suggest that you start off letting them build up points or stickers to earn the reward by being good for several hours, and gradually lengthen the time span to be a matter of days.

Stacy - posted on 08/15/2011

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It certainly sounds like MY son has ODD...although I can certainly tell you that he didn't learn his behavior from anyone at my home! My husband and I, as well as our younger son, all get along very well and are positive/fun-loving funny people. My older son is the odd-man-out as far as his defiance, mouth, and borderline abusive behavior. We have no idea where it came from, although I'd love to be able to point a finger at something. It would make it easier somehow. I'm going to look into this....

Nicole - posted on 08/15/2011

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does he watch TV with you, and if he does, do you watch anything with violence or nasty verbal language used, sometimes that could be a source, they see it on TV and they think its ok to act the same way not realizing that its only done as an act.

Sherryl - posted on 08/03/2011

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my son hasnt got ood or anything but has a attitude problem and learnt behavoiur from his fathers other child who is out of control and as i was reading your info above i think its a good idea for the shopping with most children who are behaving naughty im going to give it a try thanks :)

Rebecca - posted on 08/02/2011

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Thanks Carrie F. for your post, I copied all the book suggestions and will have some new reading. I'm having such huge struggles with my 7 yr. old daughter that has really escalated this summer. Her behavior is relatively good at school but at home it's bad. She's not violent but is lying a lot and stealing. She doesn't often cooperate even if there's a forcasted consequence. And the crying. yelling tantrums, they're really stressing me and my husband out.
I hope to learn some new strategies so we can turn this behavior around.

Jaimi - posted on 07/24/2011

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i have the same trouble with my 4 yr old son, he comes to me for kisses and cuddles all the time and sits on my knee and wants to have my attention all the time, when he is naughty or i tell him no he kicks off screaming and throwing things, slamming doors, he does not hit me or anything, but i get told he doesnt like me, he's not my friend, i am nasty to him, all because he is told no or checked for some other form of bad behaviour, he has had me in tears with the comments and the lack of respect , and also does it more when he has a audience, hope u get sorted, i sometimes question if my son has a condition he is so hyper all day every day, u can see his mind working over constantly, but then is he just a typical 4 - 5 yr old child, and believe me i cant wait till this stage is over with

Beth - posted on 07/14/2011

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Even though it sounds like he wants control, it's possible that he really wants you to control him. No child really wants to behave badly, and he apparently behaves well at school. You said that he doesn't seem to respond to the idea that he is hurting you and he shouldn't do that. Maybe he would respond better to the idea that that hurtful behavior is unacceptable and must change. He might not mind a time out, but he might stop acting up if you refused to take hime to his friend's house , soccer practice or some other fun social event that he is planning to attend.

Victoria - posted on 07/13/2011

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my husband and i both discipline him but he is much more attached to me and similar to you my son does not treat his father the way he treats me but he is not very affectionate towards me he was up until around 3-4 years old

Kizmect - posted on 07/13/2011

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Well first of all it seems that he has the upper hand at home! He is disrespectful because on some level it was accepted for some time! Children learn what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in our responses to issues and complaints! I would think first (if not already) you may need to see a professional. This behavior is not normal and you need to understand why he is doing what he's doing in order to address the issues that he is exhibiting! Don't take these behaviors lightly because they can lead to bigger problems! You must understand the problem in order to reach a solution!

Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2011

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Sounds like my 6 year old daughter. She has been diagnoses with ADHD with the ODD. We only have these problems with her @ home. She is a perfect student at school - according to her teachers. Makes excellent grades. I agree with constance it will take a lot of work, my daughter was diagnosed 1 1/2 years ago and we still have some issues. I would take him to his pediatrician and ask for a behavior analysis. This involves you(the parent), his teacher and the doctor. Therapy also helps, my daughter saw a child psychiatrist for a while. It help her some with the way to react to situations (we played games & role played). As for the discipline, my husband & I have learned that taking away their FAVORITE toy or activity really gets their attention.

Pamela - posted on 07/13/2011

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A child of this age is merely patterning the behavior of someone is his daily environment. The fact that your child hits you is a sign that you are NOT delivering a message to the child that this action is unacceptable. The Creator gives us children as a result of reproduction. What we do with the child is up to us as the responsible being. Do you feel that you are responsible for teaching your child acceptable behavior? Until you can yes to that question you will continue to face these problems.

Jenny - posted on 07/13/2011

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All I can say is now is the time to correct this. My 7 year old is quite nasty and obnoxious with me and I tried punishing her etc.... It does not work. therefore, I am getting help from a therapist to give me tools because no one understands what stress and anxiety this is creating for me. She is an angel with everyone else. Perhaps you can also go to family therapy.

Betty - posted on 07/13/2011

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Even if a diagnosis is reached, one of the worst things you can do is "label" your child. Then they will have access to the criteria making the label and live "down" to the expectations.

Gwendolyn - posted on 07/13/2011

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The doctors will go with adhd before odd because of his age and they figure if they control the adhd they minimize the odd,

Gwendolyn - posted on 07/13/2011

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I have a 8 year old grandson first let him know that tone is not acceptable then ignore him do not fed the negative energy but do reward when he uses an inside voice it does not have to be a major reward 5 minutes later on his bedtime and do a chart so he can see it will take a while but the results pay off when he can tell you the rules of the house.

Lynnette - posted on 07/12/2011

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I was wondering, is he only mean to you, or to your husband as well? Who would you consider the disciplinarian in your home, and whom would you say your son is more attached to?

I ask because in my home my husband is the disciplinarian, and my son has always been extremely attached to me. He doesn't treat anyone else the way he does me, whether it be affectionate or not. He is very physically affectionate with me, he loves hugs and kisses, to hold hands, sit in my lap if next to me, sit behind me in the car, etc. He is very shy around everyone else, even extended family, whom we spend plenty of time with. When I try to discipline him though, he turns into a whole different child. Hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, is has even thrown a chair at me. He has only does this in front of other people two or three though.

When all the screaming is over, (his) he cries and tells me he loves me, and that he doesn't like it when I get mad at him. I explain that I don't like it when he doesn't follow the rules because don't want him to get hurt, but I know he doesn't understand. He just keeps telling me that I'm not supposed to get mad at him.

Anyway, I'm not really sure much of that made sense, if had a point, but I haven't really talked to anyone other than my mom and my husband about it and it kind of feels good to get it out. Its sad to say, but I'm glad I'm not the only one w a kid like this. I love him so much, and I just wish I could make him stop hurting me.

Christine - posted on 07/12/2011

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I'm not judging you, like I said it could be ODD but alot of parents these days are just diagnosing their children themselves and unfortunately there are alot of doctors who follow those untrained diagnoses.

Lynnette - posted on 07/12/2011

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Victoria, this is my second year dealing with similar behavior. My son is almost 4, and it seems that we are in similar situations. I wish you the best of luck with your son, I know it breaks my heart every time my son treats me this way.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/12/2011

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No matter the diagnosis, a good behavioral therapist will help coach and support you in developing specialized positive pArenting skills.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/12/2011

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I would seek a counselor who has a behavioral or parenting skills training. First step is to look at his environment and notice if anyone models this behavior. Second is to have a strong positive behavior plan to address his aggression and teach him (and reward him) for expressing his frustration in a safe way. He is young and it takes consistency and patience. .... And lots of praise when he is behaving and speaking non-aggressively.

Katherine - posted on 07/12/2011

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Uh Linda that is NOT the solution and as she has stated he has or may have ODD which is a mental disorder. That was a personal attack and I am deleting your post.

KAtherine
WtCoM
Administrator

Stevie - posted on 07/12/2011

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take him in and have it confirmed! not just jump to the conclusion of a self diagnoses! they didnt say it was you or his father that showed him how to be aggressive it could of been a family friend family or a teenager 5 is the key age to learning how to act out! i have 4 kids and my 6 year old like to act like my 13 yr old! working with my 6 yr old didnt help so now we work with the older kids and holy cow the younger ones act alot better! let the dr decide what wrong! but keep in mine he might just be frustrated with life,,, your too little to do this and that and this and that but your to big for this and that and this and that! clean your room ill put your clothes away cause your to little to reach in the closet wash your body but not your hair ill do it so you dont get soap in your eyes! i mean really poor little kids there so confused with life right now that they don't know what else to do then show all there emotion at once!

Victoria - posted on 07/12/2011

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Its breaking my heart to see him acting like this as we tried our best to raise a kind little boy

Victoria - posted on 07/12/2011

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I feel like i am so alone on this as know one i personally know even knows what ODD is and the only people that see the awful side of my son are myself and his father other people get a slight bit of how he acts at home but not nearly in the same degree as we see. I have never had him tested for ADHD so i will talk with our doctor and ask his opinion on both ADHD and ODD i am more inclined that is it ODD as he displays all 8 main signs of it. but you could be right.i kind of feel like some of you are judging me when i say i think he is ODD i would rather helpful advice i am a young mother and i just want my son to behave as he used to when he was very little

Victoria - posted on 07/12/2011

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yeah na thank you anyway but i am not christian and would never consider becoming one that is my personal view i do not judge those who are Believers though

Debbie - posted on 07/12/2011

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Maybe some play therapy with a professional would be helpful. Sounds like he is very angry. What methods do his teachers use at school? In the meantime, I would use 5 minute time outs and ignore his language and threats. Simply put him in the corner with the reason why and leave it at that. If he comes out, put him back. Best of luck to you!!

LaTosha - posted on 07/12/2011

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Hello Victoria,
There is no one right answer for this, but it all depends on what your boundaries for punishments are. Some parents use spankings and some disagree with it. Time out is an option, however, you have to make sure you are consistent with it and you do it the same way everytime.
As far as his tone, when he says something to you rudely you can say excuse me and ask him to repeat it to you in a nicer tone (make sure your face is stern so that he knows you are not playing with him) if he refuses then send him to his room until he is ready to speak with you appropriately. I have several suggestions (I am a teacher and a mother, so I can make suggestions from both sides). Hope this helps.

Christine - posted on 07/12/2011

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I agree that you should try other things before putting a label on him. Parents jump to quick to label their child because they can't cope or can't handle it. You say he isn't angry at one specific thing, but it could be alot of things. I could find 10 different labels to put on him based on his anger issues. So does he have them all? Take away ALL privileges and do not give them back until the behavior changes, don't give in. If he gets violent or disrespects you in public, turn around, head to your car and go home. You cannot give in to his tantrums or he will become an adult who uses threats and violence to get what he wants because mom and dad showed him that's the way to get it.

Ronee - posted on 07/12/2011

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He is looking for attention and unfortunately in the wrong way. I have gone with the theory of ignoring bad behavior and promoting good behavior. Every time he does something good or nice to you praise him? If he is violent or mean in public you leave and tell him we can not go again until you behave...that could be a start.

Eden - posted on 07/12/2011

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A hand to his behind is not against the law. If you don't get it under control now it will only get worse. I respected my parents out of fear but I never lacked love.

Jareen - posted on 07/12/2011

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Although he's 5 years old, he knows what he is doing. What you need to do is take away all privilages from him, give him his dinner, lunch, and breakfast. No TV or playing and before doing this you sit down and talk to him and let him know that his behavior is no acceptable. You are the parent and he's the child, and don't change anything until he accepts his behavior and learn to give you the respect that you deserves as his Mom. You are not here to be his friend you are here to raise him for this cruel world, and if you don't bend the tree like God has instructed you to do he will make you cry many of days. I have two son's one is in the Army and one is a Father of two, although they are grown I didn't accept bad behavior from them even when they were children, and still don't accept it now. I am their Mom, and if they come to a point in their lives they feel as though they want to desrespect me, then honey they will become only a memory and I will give them back to God. You have to take a handle on this child, for what you are saying he's headding for the jail house, or an early exit from this world. Do you have a home church? If you do, then you need to get your Pastor involved, and if you don't then you need to find a church. Here's a number where you can call for prayers 1-800-759-0700 it's the 700 Club call them it is toll free and speak with a counselor so they can lift this child up in prayers. You too need to lay hands on him while he's asleep and ask the Lord to cleanse his mind and his soul, and also ask the Lord for wisdom on how to raise your son. God say's we recieve not because we ask not, and when take our burdens to the foot of the cross then Jesus will give us rest, but you have to keep on praying and thanking the Lord for your child restoration. I will also keep you and your son in prayers Victoria for I want you to know that you are not alone, for we have a God who says that he will never leave us or forsake us. Remain blessed and focus, and keep trusting in the Lord with your heart, and speak healing into your son's life. THis is what we do as good Mothers.

Parijat - posted on 07/12/2011

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tell Him there are consequences to every action. Bad ones for Bad action and good one for good action. I dentify what is his favorite toy or activity and next time he shows bad action ...take away the favorite thing. Let him know he has to earn it back with good action. Dont give in to tantrums...just walk away.

JuLeah - posted on 07/12/2011

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We are so quick in this culture to jump to labels and ‘blame’ the child for the behavior.



Everything from ADHD to OCD, to Demon Possession (okay, that one was new)



I am a special education teacher. I see kids with all kinds of labels walk through the door.



Most were diagnosed at home, not kidding, by a parent who consulted Dr. Google.



Parent went to family physician with a list of symptoms and got a prescription for … some drug that has never actually been tested on a child’s brain.



See, the problem with Dr. Google is this: If you have a label in your head already, you can make the symptoms you see fit. Pick a different label and you would be able to make the symptoms fit that too.



Read the DMS V one day, you will be calling your friends asking, “Do you think I have this? I think I have this.”



I can’t tell you how many kids I have worked with who carried the label of ADHD, but I can count on one hand the number of children who I believe actually struggled with the condition.



Kids are a mirror; they reflect our behavior, our home life back to us. We don’t always like what we see.



Any psychologists with any skill will take on a child as a client under the heading of ‘identified client’ meaning, the child is most often not the real client.



I was asked by classroom teachers to write behavior programs for ‘challenging’ kids in class. I put the child’s name at the top of the page, but more often then not, the program was for the teacher.



It was her/his behaviors that needed to change or her/his classroom environment that needed to change.



Some kids really do struggle with issues like OCD, or ADHD. But not even half of all who carry the label. It is simply easier to slap a label on a kid and call it a day.



Our kids deserve better. Kids with real issues deserve all our resources.



So, does this child struggle with OCD? Maybe. I will, without seeing him, rule out demon possession, but that again, is just my opinion.



ALL other possibilities should be ruled out BEFORE any label is put on a kid. This ruling out process can take months and requires an open mind, requires a willing to honestly explore options.

Mimi - posted on 07/12/2011

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You need to talk to your pediatrician and get a referral to a good child psychologist. Don't wait, as this is not going to get better on its own.

Monica - posted on 07/12/2011

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I know my kid got very lippy and traced it to a program he was watching. Stopped watching the program, and the lippiness disappeared. Sounds like you're problem is bigger than that, but it may be worth checking what he's watching at home or at the friends that may be reinforcing his attitude. Good luck!

Lorraine - posted on 07/12/2011

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Sounds like ODD - oppositional defiance disorder. Does your son have ADHD? If so, this is common. I would ask your doctor for a referral to a behavioural specialist. This is not a negative on your part or your son's. Many children have conditions like ADHD that can be treated very successfully. My son has ADD (which is ADHD without the hyperactivity).

It could also be an allergy. Believe it or not, a milk allergy can trigger this same behaviour. I had a friend who's daughter became an absolute terror when she had milk. Solution? No milk.

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