HELP ME PLEASE...

Mary - posted on 04/11/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I am 23 and have been married for 2 years. I have been with my husband for nearly 6 years but was good friends with him for about 2 years before we actually got together. My husband is the sweetest person I know, he is such a loving husband and father, but I do feel like we have drifted apart. I feel like I have grown so much since having our daughter who is one and a half, she is the most important thing in my life and since having her I feel more happy with who I am. I still love my husband deeply and want him to be happy and I know I do not want to hurt him but I don't feel attracted to him physically. We are just so different. We get along really well and I know that leaving him would crush him, so i just stay here not unhappy but not fullfilled. I don't feel excited about anything and see time just go swifting by. I am also afraid of being the black sheep of the family, all of my close members are in the relationships they have always been in. No one has ever divorced and no broken families, I don't want my son to have a broken home and have to go back and forth I want him to have a family. What do I do?



I don't think I could ever have an affair but I have crushes on other men and fantasise about having affairs. I want to have sex but just not with my husband. It feel weird, Like I am having sex with my friend or something. I don't get turned on by him at all.





I want to try and work on this though because I do love him and I want my daughter to have 2 happy parents and I'm not sure if this is just a phase I am going through. My hubs such a good man and I don't want to break his heart.



I just don't know where to start is all.

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Sharon - posted on 04/11/2010

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I think its cool you've recognised all of this and not just gone out and found some one who will spark you.



That spark dies you know.



Romance is short lived. Friendship, companionship, sharing interests & common ground is what is important.



Take joy in the little things. Be happy you have a man who loves you. Be happy you've found a good man. They are in short supply. Especially if you stick around this forum and read many of the posts.



Physical attraction dies rapidly too. Most married guys... um... settle. lol around the middle usually.



What if the person you are in love with gets cancer and becomes unattractive? Growing older, having babies, breastfeeding all these destroy your body.



Heck I married a guy I wasn't physically attracted too, lol but who he was inside was amazing. He was a body builder and I have NEVER found body builders to be attractive, BLECH.



You don't go looking for happiness. You find happiness where you are. You make your own fullfillment.



I'm not saying you have to settle, but it sounds like you were in love with him once, and probably still are, but the excitment, the OOMPH! the WOW! are gone. Those things will go away anyway. You find it once in a while during your marriage but kids, jobs, housework... all conspire to keep it buried!



Its been so long since i've had sex with anyone else besides my husband its hard to imagine "excitement" but from what I remember .. half the fun was discovering the "ins" of someone new, just the excitement of a new partner.. but now ... getting from cleaning up baby puke, cat hairballs, and a FUN FILLED EVENING of dirty dishes to orgasmic in bed?? HOW does that happen? LOL we know each other sooo well... we have fun sex filled nights and we have "scratch that itch for me will you?" nights, lol.

Theresa - posted on 04/11/2010

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Here's the deal. Marriage isn't all about lovey dovey feelings. It's a commitment. you have to decide every day that you want to mak a consciouse effort to love your husband. It takes work to make a marriage last. I can guarentee you that any relationship you get into will fizzle if you don't choose to make it work. The fluttery feelings of love that you feel at the beginning fade. That's not love, it's infatuation. Love is more that feelings. If you choose to work at the relationship and choose to love your husband everyday you can still feel those fluttery lovey dovey feelings, but you have to work at it. My husband and I fell into a rut a few years ago. We bacame more like roommates than lovers. We were very close to getting a divorce when we both talked in depth (and very honestly) with eachother. We talked about what we each wanted and expected from the marriage. Then we both recommitted to making our marriage work. Things have been great since. I do look at him and feel those feeling like I did when we were dating. But we do have to make sure we make time for eachother. It's not always easy to do that when we have 4 kids, 14, 11, 1 1/2 and 3 weeks. But we have decided that we need to make eachother and our marriage one of the top priorities. It sounds like you have a great basis for your marriage, now you just need to make the decision that you want to be in love with him. Counseling could also help, either alone, or with your husband. Good luck.

Iridescent - posted on 04/11/2010

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Are you having a little depression? It seems to be part of the problem. And part of it could simply be the fact that you're "settled". You're no longer newly married, you know your husband pretty well by this point, you're used to each other. You're to the point where you need to make a little effort to be just adults and have fun vs just parents.

Shawn - posted on 04/13/2010

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I married younger than you and am going on 24 years this year a child always makes Our husbands always feel 2nd. try to take a night out let the romance find your new self as a mother and a wife. Slight hints like buying his clothes body wash ect.might help, but don't give up unless you seek help first role play, make time for him he is a second child you know guy's are not as mature like we are that young. Your daughter will take all your energy for awhile. Hang in there. Show him what you need.Good Luck, God Bless

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Tanya - posted on 04/14/2010

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so glad you reached out for help before doing something rash and hurting alot of people, including yourself. The dynamic of a marriage changes after a child/children, yes ofcourse you love your daughter, but it is ok to feel somewhat tied down and lost!. I say lost because many women I know lose their identities when they have kids, they get it into their head that they have to be the perfect mom, you can be the perfect mom by taking care of your-self and your needs first, in turn a better person, giving and fulfilled and everyone else will see the results. as for dad many moms forget how he is feeling, you went from being his beautiful wife, lover, friend to someones mom!!!! trust me he does not know how to be around you anymore, he will most likely be feeling the same thing you are, not desired or needed, all your attention and affections are for your little one. this not done on purpose 90% of us do this. so where to begin? I would talk to him about how you used to be with each other and that you miss him and the 'us' and see how he is feeling, trust me his most likely feels the same. Set up a sitter and date, and yes a date can be for breakfast lunch dinner whenever you schedule allows, My hubby and I are often dressed up at a resturant or wandering through town eating icecream. we have caught movies in the middle of the day, eaten lunch up the garden or just packed some munchies and gone down to the lake for a walk, just to be together and talk, laugh or say nothing just hold hands! do what works for you two. Its funny how the role of mom also means you now steer the course of your relationship (something typically done by the man) so get out get to know each other again and enjoy yourselves, you are still very very young, you can try counselling if need be, but do what you can to resolve this b4 you call it quits, the grass is not greener on the other side, and a quick 'roll-in-the-hay' with a stranger will not make you feel better. As for your fantasies good 4 you, you r human!!!! I think everyone has them, they should they are healthy, and fantasies are just that fantasies!! so get dressed up feel good, date your hubby have some gr8 sex and and live! good luck x

Debbie - posted on 04/14/2010

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Bless your heart. I did that for a while - and maybe that's part of the problem - NO TIME TOGETER. Do you go to church? They usually have people that counsel. That's where we went. Other wise it would cost money. Don't know how much. Maybe someone else could answer that one. Just spend as much time together and get to know one another. That will help alot!

Carrie - posted on 04/13/2010

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It sounds like to me you are bored with your sex life so spice it up. Do something different or do IT somewhere different. If he isn't keeping up with his physical appearance anymore try suggesting the 2 of you take a walk or ask him to go workout at the gym with you. If you truely love him and he is a good husband and father I would try to work it out somehow, because good marriages and good fathers aren't easy to come by. It is perfectly normal to fantasize from time to time. Everyone does it. Just as long as you don't act on it. Try with your husband some of the things you fantasize about. I wish you and your family good luck with whatever decision you decide to make.

Kristina - posted on 04/13/2010

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I just have some ?'s. How do u get counseling? Is it expensive? My husband & I could use some counseling but we don't have much time together or any money. He works days while I'm home with the kids & he's home at night with them while I work. We have 4 kids & no time for us!

Susan - posted on 04/13/2010

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It is normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse. That is why when we get married we make a commitment before God, and our family and friends to stay together and to love honor and respect one another. Also, you have a child together and owe it to that child to keep your family intact for her sake. Your wants/needs come after those of your child and husband. If he were an abuser, druggie or alcoholic, my answer would be different. But you have a good man, father, husband - which are hard to find - and I'm sure a lot of women would trade places with you. Act like you are his girlfriend whether you feel it or not and see what happens. When the grass is greener in your neighbors yard, you need to start watering your own lawn.

Debbie - posted on 04/13/2010

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I too when through something like this. I remember telling my husband I liked him just fine but didn't care if he slept in our bed or down the hall. I didn't want a divorce but I just didn't love him anymore - just give me some time. I talked to my sister and my sister told me something that changed my idea of "our" relationship . Love is a CHOICE. She told me that attraction fades away. You've got to make your mind up to love this man. After much prayer and determination I love him more now then I ever did. I understood why people get divorced or have an affair but I knew that was NOT what I wanted. Talk to your husband. I realized that we had drifted apart because we quit communicating with each other. We just started to co-existing. Go out on dates (your little one won't mind). It's important to put a little romance into your life with your husband. Little ones take alot out of you but make a choice to love your husband and spend time with him. You'll be amazed at what happens when you do.

User - posted on 04/13/2010

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I have been married to my husband going on 19 years...I was 17 when I had my first child and was married at the age of 22..Relationships have to grow and be nourished just like a child and as it grows it goes thru changes, it matures ....Ask anyone whos' been married for years and they will tell you,Marriage is a 50 50 commitment, it can not be onesided...you got married as a couple and if you were to divorce you would still divorce as a couple, so no matter what you have to live as a couple in order for you to be able to fix whats broken..I would not take the total blame for the spark being out...It seems like you both need to work at this relationship building as a couple...He needs to understand what you need to feel loved and attracted to him...and you need to understand the marriage has changed but, it can be for the better...just the same as a new relationship, you now have a different relationship you just need to make it work to your advantage...I'm not going to lie this does happen to us all, but, you just have to work at it...don't give up. It sounds like you have a great guy, A keeper.... and in the end the kids do suffer when the parents split up.I would know because my husband and I both came from broken homes...we made a packed even before we thought about getting married that no matter what we would make our marriage work and we have thus far...Out of all of our close friends( 7 couples) only a few remain married to the same person today...the others have been divorced and married 3 or 4 times or they are still single and have dated 20 different people over the past 20 years...My husband and I have four kids and 3 grandkids and our lives are very full and busy but, we make sure when we get to the point where we can't take it anymore we take a weekend without kids and go away and we come back feeling better and I can honestly say We have had to restart our flame quite a few times but, that's been a good thing because every time we have we have found that we love each other more than ever and we want to grow old together watching our grandchildren get married. Life is not always easy for us all but, if we make the best of what we have it can be well worth the journey in the end....

When I am in doubt I picture myself and old lady and I can not picture being that old without my husband by my side and that is how I know no matter what we go thru I don't want to grow old without him....God Bless, I hope everything works out!!

Louise - posted on 04/13/2010

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I read this and I can so relate to this but on the other side. My husband has drifted away from me and we have been going through a rough patch now for 5 months. I have been married for 20 years and decided to have another baby before it was to late. We went through hell and high water to have our daughter and we were united through all our troubles. When I was six months pregnant I noticed a change in my husband where he was snappy and unsettled but he said nothing to me. Now my daughter is 16 months old and 4 months ago he said he wanted to leave but never left. He said he was unhappy and thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. I was devastated and can't get out of my mind that my husband and friend of 25 years wanted to leave. He has stayed as he said he just couldn't leave us as we have been together forever and he has gone back to his normal self, whilst I can't get what he said out of my mind and can not relax. I am constantly thinking he is going to leave over any small disagreement and can't relax I just feel dead inside. i can tell he deep down wants to be somewhere else but does not want to cause me any pain. I have been living in limbo really happy one minute and miserable in tears the next. I expect your husband knows something is wrong and is waiting for you to talk to him. Just choose your words carefully as he will analyse every word you say. We are still trying to put things right but at the end of the day I can't force him to love me and you can't pretend to love him like you used to it's a very difficult position to be in. I hope you can work things out soon.

Tanya - posted on 04/12/2010

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I have so much to say on this it could go on forever but I'm going to try to keep it simple and give you some advice to help you . You are very much going through a phase.. But it is going to take you and your husband working on this to get you past it. You have to talk to your husband yes you two maybe on different pages in life right now but that is not uncommon in any relationship. I have known my husband for over 12 years we have 3 children and we have each been where you are.. Having a baby is a big life changing event and you feel like a new person and you are so is your husband and change is not always bad. You two are in different rolls in life now then when you met I don't think the problem is that your too close I think that you need to reconnect with your husband on that love level. I think you need to talk about when you met (and/or feel in love) I think you need to talk about what you liked about eachother what attracted you maybe you guys could go out somewhere you used to enjoy when you were dating I think this milestone in your life of becoming a parent has pushed these feelings so far back that you need to reconnect with them this is not going to change over night but if you both love eachother and work together you can get through it and be ready for the next thing you two need to get through together.

So to get you started (since you said you don't know where to start) I would plan a night out just you two! When your out talk about life before baby and this is very hard to do becaause this is your life now but you are trying to reconnect with your life then so about what you noticed in him let yourself feel that again let him tell you memories of what he saw in you talk about your first time talk about when you first kissed bring back those feelings don't feel guilty that you are not talking about your new baby it is ok this is the best thing you can do for your baby is reconnect with your husband. I wish you luck... If you ever need to talk find me I'm no stranger to this ;)

Christina - posted on 04/12/2010

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I had written a bunch of stuff and then decided not to post it. Marriage is hard. My hubby and I struggled with infertility for 6 years. In the 5th year of our marriage, I felt similar to what you are feeling now, mostly because what I thought of myself at that time wasn't what I had wanted for myself. I always thought I'd be a mom and that wasn't happening, so who was I? I knew in my mind that divorce wasn't an option and that I would never cheat on him, but something just wasn't right. I really had to change how I was thinking. Instead of focusing on my needs, I started to put him first and focus on what he needed and learned to appreciate who he is and what he does (in our marriage and otherwise). Now we have 2 kids (both adopted). I don't always feel attracted to my husband, but he is an amazing husband and father. In a book I read, it mentioned that we should continue to put our husbands first, even before our children. Not that we should neglect them, but we need to make sure that we pay attention to our hubby's, which can be hard at times. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. There are 3 things that have helped our marriage (besides lots of prayer and faith in God). 1-Alpha marriage course and 2- the 5 Love Languages and 3-The Love Dare. I would recommend the Love Dare for you. LOL. I was just reading Michelle's post and had to laugh. She's right. You fantasize about other men, because you don't have them.....the grass is always greener on the other side. No matter which man we want to spend our lives with, someone may always look better, but the truth is, with every relationship, there will always be struggles. No man is perfect. no Woman is perfect. We make our marriages what we want them to be.

Take a few minutes to yourself and look back to when you married your hubby. What did you like about him? How did he make you feel? What are the things that you appreciate about him now? What do you absolutely love about him.

Marriage can be really hard at times, especially when things don't happen as you had hoped. I pray that you will be able to keep your marriage strong and that you will continue to fall in love with your hubby and that your marriage will last decades. Blessings and hugs...I hope this was all helpful.

Tiffany - posted on 04/12/2010

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Ive noticed that no one mentioned that yall may have gotten to know eachother to well. My husband is SEXY. Allthough he is only 20 and almost bald that dosnt make up for his dark skin dark hair dark eyes, muscles omg he is hott. We met when we were 15 online and going on 6 years in june. But i do not what-so-ever want to do anything with him. Sometimes just the thought of kissing him makes me go EWWW. I couldnt figure out why so i took it upon my self to figure it out. I came to this conclusion. We let ourslevs get to close on a friendship level. He talks to me about his bowel movements, he passes gas all the time around me, he belches loud nasty belches. He is a man. Thats what they do. I believe we became to close on a level that should have never been reached. Yes ur husband should be ur friend, but not that kind of friend. I told him one time that i think thats why we never done anything anymore. He quit acting like that around me and everything was perfect again. But of course, it slowly started going back to the friendship level again. There are limits on how close on diff level u should become with ur husband. Allthough some believe he should be the one u are closest to, u should tell him everything, he should be ur best friend, i dont agree. When u become best friends it seems that the feelings of him being ur lover drift away. and i believe that may have been what has happened in ur relationship.

Casey - posted on 04/12/2010

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I think you guys need to go out together and have fun..and talk about the old times..then you would remember what attracted you to him/him to you in the first place..things like this happens and when a child comes into the picture a lot of things changes and you have to rekindle the flame..

Alison - posted on 04/12/2010

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Relationships are work. I think often when you get along really well, you tend to neglect the maintenance more. It is normal for you to loose your desire for your husband and be more attracted by other men. This is a natural tendency that you do need to work against. It sounds harsh that you have to work at love, but the truth is, if you follow your heart in all things, it will lead you to some really yucky places.

It sounds like your marriage is REALLY worth invested in. You both have a lot of love and admiration for one another. It sounds like you have found so much fulfillment through being a mom that you have neglected your marriage. I have been taught that I need to put my marriage before my kids. I'm still not sure I totally agree, but I definitely see case after case of couples who pour themselves into their children, neglect their marriage and end up so far apart they see no alternative to divorce.

What you are going through is normal. It is not a sign that you chose the wrong husband. It is a sign that you are human and imperfect. There are so many resources to choose from to get things back on track.

Try putting your marriage in the forefront. Try doing what you know makes him feel loved. See where that takes you. Good luck!!!

Kelly - posted on 04/12/2010

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Yes i am not married have a child with my boyfriend we live together... My friend feels the same in her relationship

Jessie - posted on 04/11/2010

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a family or one on one counselor.maybe just someone who can help you analyze your feelings and why you feel this way. best of luck to you!

Rosie - posted on 04/11/2010

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i was with someone from the time i was 14 till i was 19. i loved him to pieces, but i wanted to be with other people. i hadn't experienced anyone else, and wasn't ready to be tied down to him. we were engaged, but i called it off after feeling the same way as you do for a while.

your problem seems to be more indepth though since you married him. with my now husband i feel our relationship is somewhat what you've described. he is my best friend, and sex isn't a huge priority. but i know the difference between my younger relationship and my marriage. i don't want out of my marriage, i love being married to my best friend, and i love knowing that we will always be there for each other. i love our relationshp and the family that we've built together. if you can honestly ask yourself if you feel the same way about your husband, and don't want to be without him then i think you need to be honest with him and talk about things and see what you can figure out together. if you don't think you feel the same way, and you want to try other things than you need to be honest with yourself and your husband and figure things out from there as well. either way, have a talk with him.

Carolee - posted on 04/11/2010

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I would suggest finding your (sexual) "kink", then find his "kink"... we all have them. Bring up some ideas for experimentation with him. Research some fetishes and see what you both find interesting and try it.

Sharon - posted on 04/11/2010

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Kelly... I'm curious? You're not married but you feel the same as this married woman...?

Kelly - posted on 04/11/2010

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HI, i am not married and have a son and me and my friend feel the same way so you are not alone

Juvy - posted on 04/11/2010

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Hello there Mary,

Marriage wasn't meant to be so complicated or difficult that only a few could do it successfully. It's within the reach of nearly everyone. It's also what will make most people happiest and their lives most meaningful, productive, and satisfying, because it's a basic part of God's plan for mankind. No one excels in all of the following areas, so don't be discouraged if you feel you fall short in some. Dont put things in a hurry maybe u need to see a marriage councelor for you to exmine urself. And what is most important is that seek God's guidance for there's nothing impossible to Him. Have a nice day to you.

Hannah - posted on 04/11/2010

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i would start by asking for a temporary separation. Have a certain time frame in which you are separated, then get together and HONESTLY talk it over. Then you can make a more educated decision. Sometimes being separated makes a love grow stronger and sometimes it makes you realize you were not with the right person (and that's ok). Make sure the both of you spend plenty of time with the child and make sure she is adored completely. You should be happy because children know when you are not. If you remain in the same situation you are in, the child will suffer -maybe not now, but eventually. Best of luck :0)

Mary - posted on 04/11/2010

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Thank you Sharon, Amy! Im willing to listen and take notes! Lol, I really want to make this work! Im so thankful I have this site to come on and be able to talk about these things! I always feel like I have to keep up this perfect housewife image and behind closed doors I am miserable! I agree with most things you ladies have said! Thanks again!

Mary - posted on 04/11/2010

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Thank you very much. Everything you have said I agree with completley! You make alot of sense, I feel seriously confused and it's as if you have read my post and totally understood what I am feeling! Thank you again Michelle and I will definetly see someone about this and try and work things through x

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2010

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It sounds like you and your husband need some serious alone time without the kids. Maybe you just need to reconnect. I do think this is a phase....you love him, you get along with him, and you are generally happy with him. Maybe you can talk to a doctor about this as well. Of course you fantasize about other men....you dont HAVE them....and its something new. Maybe you just need something new with your husband. I would talk to a counselor about this. If you want to stay with your husband...I say try everything you can to work things out before making a rash decision. You are 23....you are still very young. You may be in a confused phase in your life right now. Maybe you feel like your youth has been stripped away due to marriage and kids. But thats not true...you can still go out and have lots of fun....but be responsible. I wish the best of luck to you and hope you find a new beginning with your husband.

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