help my 4 year old is promiscuous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROSEMARY - posted on 09/13/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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ok my daughter will be four in 2 weeks and we moved to a new place about a month ago where i met a now really good freind who has a 5 year old boy.our kids have a love hate relationship. sometimes they will be playing andwe will notice it get quiet so we will go check on them and there kissing. we have even caught them on top of eachother. sometimes they hide to kiss like under the covers or behind our couches. we dont want to seperate them because they dont have anyother freinds in the area. me and nora thats my freind the little boys mother have become really good freinds and spend alot of time together since our husbands work alot and i really dont want to give that up. we have given them a time out i have taken my daughter home and left her with my husband for the rest of the day we have tried talking to them and have even resorted to giving them a spanking but nothing is working we dont know what to do anymore. please if it has happened to anyone or even if you have some advice with a fresh mind please help us what do we do???!!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Stina - posted on 09/14/2009

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The kissing- my 3yo girl has a little boy at Sunday school who tells everyone she is his girlfriend. He always greets her with a hug and once kissed her.



The getting on top of each other/hiding under blankets, I wouldn't spank them for it b/c it will just cause them to be secrative. Instead talk with your daughter in a non threatening way about good touching/bad touching. There are books out that can help with this and help her be comfortable talking to you. To keep it from happening, just keep them playing in sight. They are still young and my guess is that it is either innocent, or there is a possibility that one of them has seen too much sexual content on tv- or- and I hope this isn't the case, one of them may have something going on abuse wise. I say this b/c when I was that age, I was the sexually abused child- and this is a way that I sometimes tried to play b/c I didn't know it wasn't inappropriate. I vividly remember being caught one time- don't understand why the sitter and boys mom didn't look into things.



With my children, 5 yo boy and 3 yo girl, whenever I find them exploring thier body, I use it as a time to teach them that it is thier body, that those parts are private. I let them know to tell me if anyone ever touches them there. They share a room and in all innocence, they do notice- and I have caught my dd touching brother as he was getting dressed. Again- teaching moment. "Sissy, it's not ok to touch brother there, that's his private part" "Brother, nobody but you needs to be touching your penis and please only touch it when you are alone.... If anyone ever touches you in your privates, please let mommy or daddy know." this is a message I say as often as they bring up the subject of thier privates. Because of the abuse I went through as a child, I'm very sensitive to the importance of keeping this a non threatening issue but also talking to them about letting me know if anyone ever does anything to them or makes them uncomfortable.



I don't know if it is still in print, but when I was a child, after the abuse was discovered, my Mom read "Sometimes it's ok to tell Secrets" with my sister and I. It's a great book that I still have and once in a while I read it with my kids. Even if neither child is having something happening to them- I truly hope this is the case- It would be an excellent idea to find some books for children about Good touching/bad touching, not keeping secrets that make them uncomfortable.



I hope that neither of the children- yours or your friends- have had anything happening to them. Be sure they aren't seeing innapropriate media... don't overreact, but use these incidences as teaching moments- Ask why they get on top of each other, If they've seen that, if anyone else has played like that with them. See if you can figure out the root of the behavior.

Leslie - posted on 09/13/2009

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Ummm....I don't have any sage advice, only memories to share. I remember in Kindergarten the boys and girls would chase each other around at random times of the day and try to kiss each other. I can't remember what my Kindergarten teacher did to stop it, but I do remember that it eventually stopped...before we went into first grade! I think it might be the budding curiosity kids experience at this age still. They see grown ups on tv or in movies do it. They, more than likely, notice you kiss your husband from time to time and are imitating you. I don't know if there is anything truly promiscuous going on at all, but if you are really uncomfortable about it you could try asking your pediatrician. Ask your daughter even. Maybe if you ask her why they do that, in a non confrontational way, she may say something that helps you understand what's going on. I do know that you don't want to make a huge deal about their curiosity over their genders because that is the stepping stone to an unhealthy attitude about sex. If you make them feel shameful and dirty because of their curiosity it could carry over later in life. That said....someone will eventually post something about sexual abuse, and it isn't a bad question. You are in a new place with new people. But before I went down that road I would definitely ask your pediatrician first. If you have a new ped. that you don't feel comfortable with....call your old one. That's what I would do anyway. Hope that's helpful or reassuring.

~Jennifer - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Margaret:

i made another thread with a poll to vote sharon off she has been doing this repeatedly all year!!!!



...and doing that will get you blocked from posting on CoM as well.



 



Please remove your post, because if I have to, you'll both lose privileges on WtCoM



 



Thank you.



~Jenn~

Toni - posted on 09/14/2009

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What is wrong with children seeing adults loving each other? I don't mean having sex or groping...but just loving each other?
My partner and I often kiss and cuddle in front of my daughter. We'll both lie on the sofa and my daughter will come and join us. Sometimes I'll be lying on top of him with my head on his chest and she'll push me to one side so we can all cuddle together.
I see nothing wrong with kids seeing films etc that show adults kissing passionately, running hands over bodies...so long as they aren't naked and the obvious erogenous zones aren't touched. I see nothing wrong with running a hand down a back or neck or over a leg, so long as no touching of the breasts, groin or ass and no obvious tongues in the kissing. But I think everything else is natural and what kids should witness happening between adults. They should know what constitutes as a normal adult relationship....anything else is sex which they learn as they grow older.

Margaret - posted on 09/14/2009

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thats it iv had a gut full of her misinformation and emotional outbursts im making a report again sharon

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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~Jennifer - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Jenn:

....or I can just lock the thread until you all learn how to stop arguing and being snide.

=)

*lockdown / 24 hours.*
Come back tomorrow.
Thanks.


 

~Jennifer - posted on 09/14/2009

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....or I can just lock the thread until you all learn how to stop arguing and being snide.



=)



*lockdown / 24 hours.*

Come back tomorrow.

Thanks.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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Lets just leave it at your sexually deviant children will never be welcome in my house ok? If your kids at 4 yrs of age are hiding and laying on top of one another and you can't stop them despite punishment and chastising ....

I'm not the only one who thinks there is something wrong with kids who do that.

SONYA - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.


THAT IS NOT SICK! ITS YOUR VIEW THAT IS NOT NORMAL. YOU STRAIGHT AWAY JUMPED TO THE WARPED CONCLUSION. THEY ARE ONLY KIDS AND THEY DON'T LOOK ON IT AS SEXUAL.  YOU ARE NOT BEING HELPFUL.

Margaret - posted on 09/14/2009

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sharon you dont have training in childrens counselling sexualised behaviour DOESNT have to be learned......

SONYA - posted on 09/14/2009

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HEY ROSEMARY! I HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD WHO RECENTLY GOT MARRIED! SHE LOVES HER HUSBAND VERY MUCH AND ASKS ME WHEN CAN SHE MOVE IN WITH HIM. THEY ARE ONLY MIMICING ADULT BEHAVIOUR. JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN YOUR DEALING WITH THEM NOT TO MAKE THEM FEEL DIRTY. JUST EXPLAIN THAT ONLY BIG PEOPLE BEHAVE THAT WAY TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
AND TELL THEM TO JUST HOLD HANDS. IT WORKED WITH ELLA AND SHE HAS STOPPED THE KISSING. HOPE IT HELPS.LOL

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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There just aren't words for the confusion you are creating when you speak of things you are either misconstruing or are utterly ignorant about.



Obviously I can screen appropriate TV from inappropriate because none of my children have done whats been mentioned her. Not only have they never done these acts, none of their friends have, none of their cousins have... hhmmm so odd man out says wh-ha-at? LOL

Kelly - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

omg what world do you live in? obviously you are not in the realm of normal. You brought up maxim and tv - not me. if you don't have them in your home, what makes you think the rest of us do? I don't. My friends don't. My mother didn't.

The aisles of walmart. 17 magazine? They still make that?

sexualized stuffed animals? WHERE do you take your kids? I've never seen a sexual stuff animal outside of Spencers gag gifts or a sex store. Muchless at walmart, target or sears - or any other place normal.


ever heard of bratz sharon? they make baby dolls, barbie type dolls and stuffed animals that all look like little hookers. Some barbie dolls also look like hookers. Yes I brought up maxim and TV because maxim is a very common mens magazine and most homes do have a TV . It is certienly not the norm to not have at least one TV in the home

Kelly - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

What kind of daytime tv are you watching with your children that shows off sexually suggestive things?


Someone showed at least one of those very small kids something NOT meant for them. That person is at fault. For the last time it is not normal for children to mount one another or to continually sneak off to engage in behaviour they've been told repeatedly is inappropriate. Something is seriously wrong.



I have seen reguar comercials to be sexualized and movie trailers as well. Thats why we no longer have a TV. it is to corrupt to be in our home.  Even on stations like nickalodeon, teletoon, YTV ect they are violent and are becomming to sexualized.  You tend to notice these things when you pre screen television shows and stations for your kids to watch.



 



You have no idea if someone SHOWED the children anything so again do no tbe so quick to judge

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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omg what world do you live in? obviously you are not in the realm of normal. You brought up maxim and tv - not me. if you don't have them in your home, what makes you think the rest of us do? I don't. My friends don't. My mother didn't.



The aisles of walmart. 17 magazine? They still make that?



sexualized stuffed animals? WHERE do you take your kids? I've never seen a sexual stuff animal outside of Spencers gag gifts or a sex store. Muchless at walmart, target or sears - or any other place normal.

Kelly - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:



Quoting kelly:




Quoting Amie:





Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.







Um right. I agree. My three oldest have never done anything like this. (youngest is still a baby) They know about sexual exploration, they know what is and is not approrpiate. Touching another child in that manner is not approrpiate. Some further explaining needs to be done to both these children. =|






 









\touching another child like what? she never said there was touching just kissing. this is very innocent and probably something they saw in tv or even in a magazine. Magazines that we all  have like maxim and cosmo all featue barely clothed women kissing men in seductive ways either under the sheets or on top of the sheets. I am sure that is all this is and there is no sense and make ing a big deal out of it. Its not like they are playing with each others genitals or anything like that. Of course the issue should be addressed but you guys are acting like they are molesting each other.










Oh I see they can lie on top of each other without touching?  Is that your point?



 






 






What kind of parent are you that you think its ok to leave Maxim laying about for small children to oogle?






 






 





is that a personal attack? I also do not have these magazines but I also do not have a T.V and my kids are home schooled. don't be so quick to judge sharon because you do not even know me. Have you looked in even a 17 magazine? chicks in panties thats what I see. It is everywhere and that was my point. There is no reason to point the finger at the parents all the time. We can only do so much to sheild our kids from sex but the fact remains that it is everywhere from magazines and daytime television to the toy isles at walmart, yes fashion dolls, baby dolls and even stufed animals have become sexualized.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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What kind of daytime tv are you watching with your children that shows off sexually suggestive things?



When my kids were toddlers we watched Dora, Bob the handyman or whatever his name was, occasionally sponge bob. I never saw a sexually suggestive act in any of those.



IF I watched an adult type tv show, Friends, Seinfeld etc it was while my children were other wise occupied.



Someone showed at least one of those very small kids something NOT meant for them. That person is at fault. For the last time it is not normal for children to mount one another or to continually sneak off to engage in behaviour they've been told repeatedly is inappropriate. Something is seriously wrong.

Kelly - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

I think the parents need to be scrutinized.

We're all skirting the issue. Where did the children see this? Why are they so persistent about it?

I think there is something big happening in one of the childrens' lives. Pretending this is normal is not going to help the children.

children kissing one another IS normal. Pretending to have sex - NOT normal.



and where did she say they were pretending to have sex? I read it a few times and did not see that anywhere. I saw lying on each other but that is not sex. they had their clothing on and they were kissing. Thats all, just kissing. You agree kissing is normal. The parents need to be scrutinized! how about trying to help instead of saying the parents need to be scrutinized. Have you seen some of the commercials they put on day time television? It is pretty hard to blind our children to all of the sexualy sugestive things in the world so why must the parents need to be scrutinized?



What these  kids are doing is pretty normal and the mom  just wants some guidence as to how to make it known that it is unacceptable.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting kelly:



Quoting Amie:




Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.





Um right. I agree. My three oldest have never done anything like this. (youngest is still a baby) They know about sexual exploration, they know what is and is not approrpiate. Touching another child in that manner is not approrpiate. Some further explaining needs to be done to both these children. =|



 





\touching another child like what? she never said there was touching just kissing. this is very innocent and probably something they saw in tv or even in a magazine. Magazines that we all  have like maxim and cosmo all featue barely clothed women kissing men in seductive ways either under the sheets or on top of the sheets. I am sure that is all this is and there is no sense and make ing a big deal out of it. Its not like they are playing with each others genitals or anything like that. Of course the issue should be addressed but you guys are acting like they are molesting each other.






Oh I see they can lie on top of each other without touching?  Is that your point?



 



I don't have cosmo or maxim in my house.  If I did they wouldn't be out for my toddlers to look at.



 



What kind of parent are you that you think its ok to leave Maxim laying about for small children to oogle?



 



I don't have cosmo in my house because its a ridiculous magazine promoting stupid and unhealthy views of women.  I'm not fat, I'm very active and so are my kids.  We encourage dressing well and some of the fads, but no words across the butt, no belly showing shirts, no too short skirts, no sagging pants that show underwear, or t-shirts with foul messages.



 



I do buy the occasional fashion magazine for make up tips or new clothing ideas to stay in style but I'm not obsessive enough to have a subscription.



 



It is not ok for small children to continually sneak off in order to engage in patently adult behaviours.

Kelly - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Amie:



Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.





Um right. I agree. My three oldest have never done anything like this. (youngest is still a baby) They know about sexual exploration, they know what is and is not approrpiate. Touching another child in that manner is not approrpiate. Some further explaining needs to be done to both these children. =|






 





touching another child like what? she never said there was touching just kissing. this is very innocent and probably something they saw in tv or even in a magazine. Magazines that we all  have like maxim and cosmo all featue barely clothed women kissing men in seductive ways either under the sheets or on top of the sheets. I am sure that is all this is and there is no sense and make ing a big deal out of it. Its not like they are playing with each others genitals or anything like that. Of course the issue should be addressed but you guys are acting like they are molesting each other.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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I think the parents need to be scrutinized.

We're all skirting the issue. Where did the children see this? Why are they so persistent about it?

I think there is something big happening in one of the childrens' lives. Pretending this is normal is not going to help the children.

children kissing one another IS normal. Pretending to have sex - NOT normal.

Toni - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

I'm not afraid of my kids discovering their bodies. I commented very little while they engaged in self exploration beyond "we don't do that in public" but we sure as hell never had them humping each other in the front yard.


I must have missed the post where she said they were humping each other. I read that they were kissing and lying on top of each other, but missed the 'humping' part.



It still seems to me that they are re-enacting affection that they have seen on tv or between family adults....kissing and probably amorouscuddling/petting. But I wouldn't class that as porn or humping.



The kids just need guidance and their tv viewing needs to be scrutinized.

Margaret - posted on 09/13/2009

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children are known to do this to cope with stress or physical violence/abuse....

at this point not alot can be done it may be advisable to contact your local school and ask the school social worker about which agencies in your area could assist...

the behaviour doesnt mean at all that there is abuse it can solely indicate stress if there has been moving around or alot going on in their lives but it helps for the children to have someone to talk too and even to have help discussing these issues with the children

Amie - posted on 09/13/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.


Um right. I agree. My three oldest have never done anything like this. (youngest is still a baby) They know about sexual exploration, they know what is and is not approrpiate. Touching another child in that manner is not approrpiate. Some further explaining needs to be done to both these children. =|



 

Kelly - posted on 09/13/2009

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kids do this and it is normal. They have obviously learned it from somewhere like your house or his house or the t.v.

You each need to tell your own child seperatly that this kind of behavior is for married adults only and not for little kids. Let them know it is sacred and not to be abused by children and tell them if it continues that they will not b able to play together anymore.

Stefanie - posted on 09/13/2009

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This would set off a huge red flag with me. My child would never see those people again. You need to protect her innocence and purity before your friendship.

Lisa - posted on 09/13/2009

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It sounds to me like they are seeing a little too much for their ages, they think it is normal to do these things. They are only doing what they are seeing. My advice would be to try and keep those "husband and wife" moments a little more private.

Robyn - posted on 09/13/2009

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Well, I wouldn't call what I have as advice...guess it's more like answering a question with a question...have you tried only letting them play where you can see them. Don't allow them in another room alone, just the two of them. I know that what is going on is normal as I am the mother of a now 17 year old daughter, and 3 sons that are 12, 10, & 6. When my daughter was little she used to play with her cousin that is close to her age, and they held hands and kissed on the cheek(occasionally it was on the lips). And when we would lay them down for naps they would have to lay together, we had them in the living room where we were though. They swore when they were old enough they were going to get married, of course we told them that they couldn't because they were related and that they just couldn't. So to make a long story short, they are 17 & 16 now, and are as close as ever. No more stories of marrying their cousin, but because we explained things on their level where they could understand, they were ok with it. It WILL pass and give it a couple of months they won't be doing it anymore...just explain to them that is what grown ups do when they love each other and that they are not old enough to be doing that. In the time being, my suggestion is to just have them play in the same room as you and your friend to kind of difuse the situation.

Sharon - posted on 09/13/2009

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I'm not afraid of my kids discovering their bodies. I commented very little while they engaged in self exploration beyond "we don't do that in public" but we sure as hell never had them humping each other in the front yard.

[deleted account]

i read that. i did that as a kid. i grew out of it. learn to not be afraid of your kids discovering they have bodies, or you're gonna be in alot of trouble.

Sharon - posted on 09/13/2009

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Um she said they weren't just kissing

learn to read in full



"we have even caught them on top of eachother. sometimes they hide to kiss like under the covers or behind our couches. "

[deleted account]

Quoting Sharon:

You all seem to be missing the big point.

WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????

I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.

If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.


Yes this is normal behavior. Kissing is not pornography, and infant baby boys can get erections. there is nothing wrong with these 2 children smooching behind a couch. they need to learn when (when they're older) and where (not in public etc) it is appropriate to kiss that way. the vast majority of kids grow out of it before the age of 6.  


 

[deleted account]

i was doing the same thing at 4 to 5 years myself. i think spanking and punishing a child for being affection is going to send the wrong message. perhaps you need to find a better way to help them understand that it is inappropriate to sneak away like that when there's company, and that it's rude to be kissing all the time etc etc.... would also be a good idea to keep them occupied with activies/games and the like. they will grow out of it.

Sharon - posted on 09/13/2009

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You all seem to be missing the big point.



WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD RE-ENACTING PORNO SCENES????



I have 3 kids - I carefully screened what they were and were not allowed to see, I never discouraged self touching and we NEVER had an instance of toddlers trying to hump one another.



If that is normal behaviour for your kids - omg - sick.

Shirley - posted on 09/13/2009

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Hi Rosemary,

This is very normal behaviour, they are just curious and this is an age where they have no inhibitions. Pretty soon they will be hating the other sex and worry about "boy germs" They are simply copying what they see on TV, and in movies even cartoons. Just keep an eye on them and let them do it infront of you so you can monitor. It may help to teach your daughter the swimming costume theory ( no-one can touch you in the parts where your swimming costume covers your body) this is good for her to understand in any case as a rule for life.

Don't stress about it too much :)

Yvonne - posted on 09/13/2009

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its a curiosity faze that children that age go through..they are curious about their bodies and curious about each other..my advice is to not let them out of your sight and find activities to pull their attention away from each other and to the things that interest them...like cooking, art, crafts...i hope this was helpful.....

Michelle - posted on 09/13/2009

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hi sometimes it is normal behaviour from what they have seen or just cause they knew they were different, but beware as sometimes children display this kind of behaviour if they have been abused and this could happen anywhere, sorry to scare you

Toni - posted on 09/13/2009

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Oh Lordy!!! Please don't chastise her the poor thing. She's doing what comes totally naturally and she will have learned this behaviour, from other adults or from the TV too...either that or the little boy has.

My daughter when she was that age tried smooching with both me and her daddy and we explained to her that only grown up mummies and daddy's do this kind of kissing. She tried a couple more times, we told her again that we don't like it and she stopped.

You do know that if your daughter isn't already, she will soon start exploring her own body....don't you? I hope she won't get chastised for that too. The last thing you want her to be when she gets older is sexually repressed because she was shouted at and spanked as a little one for something which you perceived was wrong or dirty.

Tara - posted on 09/13/2009

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I probably wouldn't classify what your daughter is doing as promiscuous as that implies more adult behavior than what it seems she is displaying. At her age it is very likely just gender curiosity. If you are super worried about it, or fear there is any type of abuse going on that triggered this behavior I would take your daughter in for a checkup and a talk with your pediatrician.

Everything I've been able to find and read on this subject seems to point towards the natural curiosity children your daughter (and her friend's) age have regarding their bodies and sexuality. I've included some articles for you that might help you feel more comfortable with this behavior, including how to deal with it without making the children ashamed of themselves, their bodies or their curiosity.

http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,9040,00.html
http://www.babyzone.com/toddler/toddler_...
http://www.babyzone.com/toddler/toddler_...
http://www.ces.purdue.edu/providerparent...

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