Help needed for single mom

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am a single (never married) mom of a hyper, defiant, argumentative 5-year-old. Between work, bills, being single, dealing with my kid, and watching all my friends being happily married and financially secure (yes, all of them; they're somehow also thin and beautiful without ever having to work for it) I am about to lose it. I've been depressed, angry, temperamental. I feel I'm depriving my son of a family and a real life. I never have extra money or time do do anything special, my family will only watch him once a month, I can't afford a sitter, I can't afford classes or therapists or anything, and every time I try to talk to someone about it they either tell me it'll get better or get mad at me and make me feel worse because apparently I should just be happy to be alive and everything else should be trivial. I am seriously close to the end of my rapidly fraying rope. Any advice would be much appreciated.

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Zara - posted on 04/07/2013

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Hi if u need a baby sitter a few hours a week I'm here to help I know how it feels!! A coffee and a chat can help as well let me know

Leah Rodriguez - posted on 02/11/2013

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To start, I too get annoyed when all of the "happy" people have things to say. I currently have a 10 year old, 3 year old, and am pregnant with twins...and alone! The dad of the 3 year old is the father of the twins and has a new life/new girlfriend/new phone # (that we don't know)...just an all around douche bag! If it makes you feel any better, I give props to you for only having 1 child being single, because clearly some other woman (myself) aren't that smart! :/

Something that may help you cope with your day is getting up a little early to pray, write, read, exercise, something of therapeutic value. During this time you can set your mind to smoothing out that fraying rope and preparing for dealing with your son. If each day you can prepare yourself for that defiance by strengthing yourself, by making yourself a better person , it will be easier to deal with your son. The more secure you become with your anger and temperment, the more your son will see a good example of what is "normal".

I used to yell all of the time (suprisingly when douche bag was around) especially in the morning. I've had some anger issues in the past and in the morning the kids would just drive me crazy. That "pissed off at the world feeling" just puts us in a bad mood! You might be stressed about finances, lonliness, douge bag baggage (no pun intended), but the more you exercise self control, the more you will learn how to be more calm and in control. It takes practice!!!! We don't become great at anything overnight, and learning how to not be so pissed off all of the time is the same thing.

Another thought on the "happy people". I will tell you, from the outside looking in everything looks great. But what glitters aint always gold and people do have their problems. I would encourage you to reach out to other single moms (as you have done!!!) and to not beat yourself up so much about it. Believe me I am a crying mess all of the damn time being preggo with twins (not to mention poor ughhh)...and what do all my friends who are married or at least have a crappy boyfriend (who's there at least) say? "it will be ok" "You're so strong" "You'll meet someone". Please. Who the he!! wants to be with a chick with 4 darn kids???? I don't see that happen to anyone! So my advice would be, when it comes to venting...know who you're venting to. You're setting yourself up to be pissed off if you ask Sally Mae with the husband of 20 years with great kids, house, and income. That woman can't relate! So I suggest just reaching out to other woman (like myself) and we can bring eachother up when we are down and actually relate :)

Dear Lord this was superrrrrrrrr long but I hope you got something out of it! I clearly had a lil therapy there, but it is hard for me to find anyone who can relate to my lil situatio.

Best Regards,

Leah

Email: Leah67842006@yahoo.com

[deleted account]

Take a break. Swap babysitting with one of your "perfect" friends--you watch her kid for a few hours then let her watch yours.

That said, you don't need money to do special things. Trips to the park are free, and your kid is not going to care whether you are spending a cheap day at the park or dropping hundreds at Zoos and amusement parks.

It sounds like your 5 year old is feeding off of your negative energy, but I know it's not easy to just turn around and be positive all the time when you feel like crap. Try playing physical games with him--toss a bean bag (we have a teddy bear shaped one that we toss inside the house). You would be amazed how relaxing and soothing tossing a bean bag between the two of you is. My therapist recommended this when I was having issues with J's defiance (he was 5 then too), and I promise you, It worked miracles!!! It releases endorphin, it opens the lines of communication, and it pulls us away from the mundane tasks and into a little world of play.

Another thing that helped me stay positive, and helped with J's temper was "Special Mommy & J Time" 10 minutes every day, J got to be in control, we would do whatever he wanted for 10 minutes. the 10 minute rule was important because I was always telling J we'd play later, I was too busy, you know. But I can always spare 10 minutes a day. If I knew I only needed to play for 10 minutes, then I could have peace for 2 hours to complete my chores, the 10 minutes of procrastination was well worth it. Also, it let J be in control for a small part of the day, which made him less defiant with the rest of the day--he had that time to look forward to. Amazing the difference it made in just the first week. It also helped bring us more together.

Chaya - posted on 02/09/2013

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Do you have a friend you can pass your son off on for a couple of hours?
You just need a break to be away from him for a couple of hours. Your son may need to be medicated, but you need to take a break before you can decide which action to take. 5 year olds are by nature argumentative, and defiant sometimes. If he's hyperactive, get him treated, that is treated, not punished.
And relax, the key to that is to take a few hours to yourself each week.

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