Help?Older woman with younger boyfriend wants custody of baby

Debra - posted on 11/15/2012

Thank you Holly, it finally came down to the wire, where I had to make a decision. I thank you all for laying out scenarios and situations that will arise during this time. I do feel good with my decision. Thank you again Holly

Holly - posted on 11/15/2012

Debra, you are a very kind, and good person. I hope that your husband appreciates you for doing this, and taking on his child full time, even though when you married him, this was not part of the deal. I hope that he never takes you for granted. This little girl is so lucky to have someone as loving and generous as you are. What you are doing is not a requirement and is above and beyond your duties as a wife and step mother

Debra - posted on 11/15/2012

Dove, you are so right, I have made my decision. It had to be all or nothing. Im in 100%. Pls read my reply to Denikka. You and her were pretty much on the same page.

Debra - posted on 11/15/2012

Dennika, I had been thinking long and hard on this. I decided to put it all in God's hands. He spoke to my heart, I'm now off "the fence" He has given me the gift of being a very good nurturer. I feel very horrible that I had temporarily abandoned the man I love in his deepest need. I know this child does not know the first thing of being nurtured in a stable family. I have apologized and have accepted the role I believe God has put in my path.

Than you for your words of wisdom, they did help put things into perspective for me.

Dove - posted on 11/13/2012

If you aren't willing to accept and love this child and fully support your boyfriend in raising his child... get out of the relationship for both their sakes.

Kathy - posted on 11/13/2012

I personally feel like you are being somewhat selfish. You knew he had a child so you should be wanting what is best for the child even if that means changing your life some. There are always compromised to be made. When you go to the grocery store have one of your adult children or teenager could watch this child. This is a child and he accepted you and your children. You should have had it cross your mind anytime there is a child involved. Are you saying that if something happened and the child's mother was no longer in the picture you would still feel like she s an inconvience? It's not about you, it's about all of you. Just my thoughts on it.

Denikka - posted on 11/13/2012

I'm sorry Holly, but I'm going to have to completely disagree with you on this one.



Debra, this little girl may be taken away from her mother. She's going to need someone to raise her. You say that when you met this man, he understood that you and your kids were a package deal. Well, he and his daughter are a package deal too. Even if she wasn't living with him and you never expected her to. Things happen. What if her mother had died or been sent to prison? You'd be in the same situation.



No, it's not selfish to say *I'm done raising my kids, I can't start over again*. It IS selfish, however, to have such a life changing experience, have a child come to live with you, and expect to continue doing as you please. Her father can't do everything for her, and to make him feel like he owes you (you're doing him a favor) any time you do anything for his child? That's just wrong.

And to make a child feel completely unwanted (not doing anything for her, not taking care of her, not taking her anywhere or doing things with her, not disciplining, etc). I can guarantee that she will feel the resentment you hold towards her. That's cruel.



If you're not prepared to step up and take on a step mother role, then you need to leave. Things happen. What we expect and what actually happen in life are two very different things. You've hit a bump in your road, so it's time to make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue with this path or not. Because, let's face it, this child is going to drastically change your lifestyle, whether you have anything to do with her or not.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

you too!

Debra - posted on 11/13/2012

Thank you!!!!! I do feel better getting this out. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. I'm a very private person but I was feeling so bad about this situation and where it can and may go. Have the rest of a beautiful day Holly!!!

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

daycare facilities can transport your kid to school! and no, your feelings are not selfish, you did not sleep with this woman to make her have a kid... and you have ALREADY raised your kids.... ANYTHING that you choose to do for this kid is YOUR choice, and you should not be EXPECTED to do anything... it would be selfish of HIM to expect to raise his kid for him because of HIS decisions...

Debra - posted on 11/13/2012

Just wondering, are my feelings selfish??? or should I be consering this life?

Debra - posted on 11/13/2012

HMMM now thats a thought. He has to be there at 6 am. If push comes to shove, that is definitely something to work with. Thank you! Its a start. Once school starts that will be another dilemma. I'm still hoping that I'm worrying for nothing, and that all this will get blown over. I know his mom has wanted to get her also, but I don't know if she just wanted to get her so that she can hand her over to my bf.

He is a good father but the little girls mother is very resentful towards him.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

many day cares operate 6am-6pm.... but i do know SOME open up at 5am... he coudl find one close to his job so that he could drop her off and pick her up

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

what time does he have to report to work?

Debra - posted on 11/13/2012

he leaves the house at 5:00 am and is home by 6:00 pm at the latest. So you see, I know I would be the primary caretaker. I don't know what he would do if I weren't here. I'm wondering if he would even be considering the custody he is seeking if I weren't here. That was not nice I know but only time will tell. At this point I don't even know what he is thinking, and I hesitate to even ask. Its a very sore subject right now because his concern is the safety of his little girl and the people in her environment right now.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

daycare! he can find someone! what would he do if you weren't there?

Debra - posted on 11/13/2012

I think it would be easy to say that I refuse to partake, but if I don't who will??? He works alot and I know that it will all fall on my lap. Im already accustomed to coming and going as I please. Now to think that even going to grocery store I will have to strap her in car seat and care for her each time I leave the house while he is working. I work full time also. So getting her to school will also be an issue. I feel stuck Holly.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

just let him know you will not partake in any of the raising a kid responsibility as you have ALREADY done that. you will not correct her, and you expect HIM to step up any time his kid is out of line. you will not take her to the zoo, or museum, and ANYTHING you do decide to do is STRICTLY as a favor and NOT to EVER be expected from you.