Help with anger and disipline

Jodie - posted on 11/11/2009 ( 37 moms have responded )

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Hi, i love mytwo girls, 3 and 18mths, but i find that by the end of the day i get really angry and have a lot of difficulty with discipline. I know its because they are both tired and so am i, but want to know if anyone has anyideas about what else i can do. Time out isnt working and smacking etc.

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Connie - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Angela:

I hear you about being tired. I am a mom of 4. 10, 7 4 and 2. Plus I do daycare for a 1 year old. The best thing I have found is to ask if they just need a hug. But we also have a glue stick from a hot glue gun. We use that for spanking. We have only had to use it 1 time on 3 of the 4 kids. It is nice because it bends and you can fit it in your purse, diaper bag and even your back pocket. Also we use vinegar for whining. They get a tsp of it for sassy mouth or for whinging. It works most of the time just for me to put the vinegar on the counter because they all have had it and it tastes nasty and makes all 4 throw up. And laying the glue stick out too. I also try to make it a point to give each child at least 10 minutes of just mommy time. Even if it is just holding them on the couch while the others are playing on the floor. But I need help too!!! So any other suggestions would be great. I am a tired mom and a burnt out mom. My husband works late every night. So I feel like a single mom most of the time.



Angela - this is abuse. Period.

Tina - posted on 11/17/2009

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Quoting nic:

angela you should be reported,you nasty wicked woman.your kids will have that abuse engrand in their memory 4ever...all u r doing is braking their spirit.think about it.get help so your kids arnt scared of u and give the a chance to love u as a nice person!!!!!!!



I had to search to see what Angela wrote... all I can say is "OMG" are you kidding me. She has used a stick from a hot glue gun to spank her kids and then brags because it is easy to carry it around. The use of vinegar for punishment was too much...maybe her kids should give her a taste of her own medicine....

Nic - posted on 11/16/2009

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angela you should be reported,you nasty wicked woman.your kids will have that abuse engrand in their memory 4ever...all u r doing is braking their spirit.think about it.get help so your kids arnt scared of u and give the a chance to love u as a nice person!!!!!!!

Valerie - posted on 11/12/2009

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I would love to help you but need more information. What are the behaviors that are frustrating you? Are you a single parent or do you have a partner to help you? Time outs are overused and overrated...Here is a simple guide to your childrens behavior. Children are either giving love or calling for love. Simple and powerful. I am a mother of four, grandmother of 5 and a parenting coach. When my three year old grandson acts out, I use a loving tone and offer him a hug and then discuss what's happening. It works way better than one, two, three you are on a time out. His mom comes home tired and if she responds to his call for love with love he is much better than when she gets mad and uses the time out threats...with a bit more information perhaps I could help coach you to more successful evenings together!

Crystal - posted on 11/12/2009

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i work third shift full time and get on the average 3-4 hrs sleep a day. i understand fully how you feel. i have a 1 and 3 year old, both grls also. sometimes my anger starts right at 7 in the morning. whats made it better for me is talking to my 3 year old. i keep it simple so she can absorb as much of what i'm saying as possible. it was a repeat conversation, but now when she sees me start to get angry she says its ok mom take a breath its ok and will rub my back. can't be to mad after that. i guess its honesty tell them mommas getting mad you need to go play or i'm gonna get really angry. i also apologize to my three year old if i do get snappy. tell her its not her fault mommas just tired. when she's bad she goes in the corner nose to the wall no questions no i'm sorry after a few min i let her "free" and she usually apologizes. i guess after all that rambling (sorry) my advice is help your children understand how you are feeling. i think kids want to please their parents so i think its ok to say your making me crazy either help me make dinner or go in your room and cry because i can't listen to it anymore. Also its not that i don't believe in spanking because i do, but for me at my kids ages where i'm trying to teach them hitting is bad, i'm not gonna be a hypocrite and do it to them. there is so much to learn why send them mixed messages. if i have to i'll give myself a time out on the porch....leave them crying and all. better to sit on the floor and cry then haul off and wack them. i'll shut up now hope i helped a little if nothing else just know i REALLY understand

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Angela - posted on 01/27/2012

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Get into a routine of scheduled naps. Tell friends and family to give you time for just the three of you to cuddle and read books or sing. This gives us time to bond and take time out for all of us together

Cheryl - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hi Jodie...I think that you have to be VERY careful about smacking children. It is FAR to easy for it to go too far, especially when, (as you have identified) you are tired or angry - and is is never going to work anyway if the children are tired or you are feeling frustrated. (In fact, that was my 'rule to self' with my children. - I would NEVER EVER smack if I was angry - because that is not discipline, but punishment, - and then it is about a big person venting their anger, and not about modifying the behaviour, and so it won't achieve what you need it to anyway. (and of course if I was angry, there was always the fear that I would go too far).

Far better to recognise that you are tired, and so are they...so don't let your expectations be too high at this time of the day - make it easy for them to settle and be calm...offer a snack - or bring teatime forward. (A major source of crankiness with my brood was about hunger or thirst)...give them a bath, or put on a dvd etc. - whatever works. Now is not the time for a battle of wills. (Of course I am not talking about 'just let it all happen and don't intervene, but I AM saying that if it is a time of day that you know is difficult for you all, do things that they (and you) find calming - make it easy!

The other thing that might work is a program called 123 Magic. We use it in our LS4C program (Lifeskills for Children). It is very popular in a lot of settings, and I know that it is used right around the world. Yes, it uses time out too, but in a very planned kind of way.

Hang in there! - if all else fails there IS the knowledge that bedtime is soon, and tomorrow is another day! :)

Angela - posted on 11/17/2009

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first , i think your on the right path by asking for help . i understand the frustration you are feeling . i have been there myself , i never discipline in anger . i know that i dont want to ever hurt my children . when the frustration started to build , i called someone i trusted to pick up my son . i was able to take a hot bath and take a nap . i also tried to sleep when my kids slept . i know its not easy when you have laundry and house work , but your rest is important . do whatever you have to , so that no harm comes to your girls . i put my boys to bed at 8 every night . the rest of the night was my time. i was consistent in disciplining and they caught on . who ever said terrible 2 , three was difficult . when i could step back i appreciated the beauty of every stage . there minds developing , becoming an individual , not just my babies . i hope this could be some help .

Tanya - posted on 11/17/2009

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I totally understand. Pace yourself. Try to fix several meals on Sunday so that when you get home it's only a matter of throwing something in the oven then get the girls in the bath. Once they are out you can go back to getting the food together while they get themselves and each other ready for eating and bed.

Tina - posted on 11/17/2009

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don't feel alone... we all have been there. First have a routine that works for you and your family. My kids are 7 and 11...we have a at 7pm routine. The 3B's (bath, book and bed). No matter what my kids are upstairs at 7 for bath time. They are in bed at 8....not to sleep but to settle down. This gives me "mommy time". Since your kids are so young...check the bedtime and naptime routine. Make sure you all are getting enough rest. Be consitent with the correcting a behavior that you do not agree with (I was bad about this)....finally... if you are over whelmed...take a mommy time out. If you are stressed kids will know it and push your buttons even more....I know this is a lot...but just know that you are a great mom!!

Nic - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Connie:



Quoting Angela:

I hear you about being tired. I am a mom of 4. 10, 7 4 and 2. Plus I do daycare for a 1 year old. The best thing I have found is to ask if they just need a hug. But we also have a glue stick from a hot glue gun. We use that for spanking. We have only had to use it 1 time on 3 of the 4 kids. It is nice because it bends and you can fit it in your purse, diaper bag and even your back pocket. Also we use vinegar for whining. They get a tsp of it for sassy mouth or for whinging. It works most of the time just for me to put the vinegar on the counter because they all have had it and it tastes nasty and makes all 4 throw up. And laying the glue stick out too. I also try to make it a point to give each child at least 10 minutes of just mommy time. Even if it is just holding them on the couch while the others are playing on the floor. But I need help too!!! So any other suggestions would be great. I am a tired mom and a burnt out mom. My husband works late every night. So I feel like a single mom most of the time.






Angela - this is abuse. Period.





 

Nic - posted on 11/16/2009

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please dont smack them ,they r just babies...they dont have the cognative development to work anything out.back to basics.i have always said the way to correct the attitude of others is to correct your own...put on a happy face and dance to music while getting dinner ready...put on some rabbit ears or a santa hat..i bet your babeis perk up.distraction is good to...your probley doing really well.just enjoy then...one hour at a time..if your in australia, the triple p progame is exlnt...its through your area health dept..enjoy xxoo

Lisa - posted on 11/14/2009

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The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends "that parents be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior." In other words, they get that it's not always easy to manage your own anger when you're dealing with oppositional kids, especially when you're outnumbered! So it's amazing to see all the good ideas here, including sticking to an evening time routine, taking mommy time outs (for cooling your own jets), and redirection of the bad behavior into energetic, silly activities. I'll add one of my own tricks to the mix: invite a friend over to help. And if there's no-one around you can call and you're feeling really crazed, set the kids up with a movie and get some support for yourself by talking to a crisis counselor at the National Child Abuse Hotline, which is available 24/7 at 1-800-4-a-child.

http://www.childhelp.org/about/programs-...

Jodie - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting laura:

yeah sometimes when i get real frustrated, i sah with my two boys.. we just do something silly , blow bubbles.. just go outside and run out the energy, go to playground after dinner.. throw balls at each other, non hurtful ones lol.. sometimes being a lil nuts with your kids will get you through the rough time of day, for me its 330 to 5 before dinner lol, my lil boys are loving and great but need to get energy OUT



that is a brilliant idea. In the afternoon when what I call "happy hour " starts, i just get a lil' crazy myself. I am a routine person and it is so important to stick to it, but throw in in a bit of crazy action into the afternoon helps bring the whole family into the same mood. We take life too seriously too much and i have noticed that everyone else tends to behave in different ways depending on what mood mum is in. Thankfully I have a brilliant partener that loves playin with the kids but he comes home in his share of bad moods too so Thats when ya just have to let go and maintain a happy, funny, crazy mood to get everyone through this hectic time of every single day. It takes way more energy to be mad than it does to be happy and mum's energy is a precious resource!! 

Natasha - posted on 11/13/2009

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I use the 1, 2, 3 method and by the time I reach 3 they in for trouble. If that doesn't work do exactly what they do to you. They will soon relize that they can't get there way

[deleted account]

I dont agree that children of this age dont understand when they are naughty I think they do and a short sharp smack can at times be the right thing but it has to be a last resort and not done to offten or it looses its effect and thats when it can be come to much but as a last resort when all else has failed and when you point this out you can find that it is the best thing but I also agree that you sound like you need some time out for you some time away from them can be exactly what you need find someone to look after them for a few hours once a week and do something just for you even if it is just going for a walk in the park along the beach or going for a coffee and reading the paper you will find how good this makes you feel and how it fortifies you for the days ahead

Melissa - posted on 11/12/2009

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You are welcome. I am happy to hear that you are part of a mom group. As a professional who works with children and behaviors every day, I know how upsetting the process can be. Just try to remember that at this stage of their life they only respond to emotions. You want to be very careful with external rewards, they can become an issue later.

Little people can be very strong willed, because they are emotion driven, so be very consistent so you don’t send mixed messages, and know matter what you do keep a routine.

[deleted account]

yeah sometimes when i get real frustrated, i sah with my two boys.. we just do something silly , blow bubbles.. just go outside and run out the energy, go to playground after dinner.. throw balls at each other, non hurtful ones lol.. sometimes being a lil nuts with your kids will get you through the rough time of day, for me its 330 to 5 before dinner lol, my lil boys are loving and great but need to get energy OUT

Helaine - posted on 11/12/2009

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I warn my 11 year old son that we are registered on facebook in support of corporal punishment, and glare at him. We also have a punching bag (got at the recycling center in our dining room area that both parents and child use often.

Laura - posted on 11/12/2009

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Sticker chart. We found ourselves doing a lot of yelling and time outs at the end of the day with our 3 1/2 y/o and 16 m/o and got tired of all being crabby. 2 things helped. Making it a priority to spend at least 15-30 minutes just focusing on them (individually) with a book, coloring or some project each evening and a sticker chart for the older child. We let him choose a toy ($15 was the limit), then we put it out of reach but in sight. We sat together and came up with a list of how to earn stickers (eat dinner w/o playing, clean up dishes, pick up toys, stay in bed at bed time, cooperate at bathtime, please and thank you, gentle touches etc). It really worked great. Rather than yelling, we'd quietly say, what do you need to do to earn a sticker? He loved putting the stickers on and earning them. He had to earn 20 stickers for the big things, and fewer for smaller things.

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have the same problem with my three kids. My 8 year old threatens to run away when she doesnt get her way. I have tried time outs, early bedtime and even stripping her/her sister's room down to just the bed, dressers and desk. NOTHING works. I have had to get her into therapy for her anger and behavior. My 5 year old is demanding and loves to curse. I have tried all of the above, as well as a reward system as someone suggested. Doesnt work. And now my 2 year old has started all of their habits as well. He throws toys when he doesnt get his way and hits. I try to give him a time out, but he doesnt respond. My suggestion, it will be trial and errors. What may work for someone else, may not work for you. At 18mos there is really not much you can do to make them understand they are misbehaving. Time out may not work and the reward system may not make sense. At 3, the child should begin to understand that with bad behavior comes some sort of punishment. Good luck!

Paula - posted on 11/12/2009

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Instead of putting your children in time out, you can also put yourself in time out, which means the kiddos need to go to their room while mommy has a time out. You can either rest, read a book or pray. You can also put toys in time out. If the kids are fighting about a movie or book or toy, the item goes on the frig. in timeout and the kids have to work out how they are going to share the item. Also, keep in mind that sometimes the kids are acting out for attention and if you ignore their fights, they will learn to work it out themselves. Sometimes we moms just have to be more hard headed then our children. Don't let them wear you out at this age, because it only gets harder as they grow older. Good luck!!

Connie - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting melissa:

I know how hard it is to cope with small children. However, it is important to remember, they are not developmentally able to understand your frustrations. Time management is your best friend right now. If you work and are coming home to full time mom duties then you need to make sure you have a routine that never changes for any reason. Mommy play time, dinner, bath, read a story and bed. If you are a stay at home mom, then join a play group and make relationships with other moms, and again set a routine that never changes. Breakfast, play time or park, lunch, nap, snack, play time, dinner, bath, read a book and bed.
If after setting a routing you still feel "angry" as much as it is hard to hear, you may want to look for some support groups that will provide you with some coping ideas.
I do feel that I should say, that smacking is never going to work. Children of this age do not have the ability to understand why you are "smacking" them, their little brains have not developed to the point of true understanding and they only feel fear and unsafe.



I agree with Melissa, 100%.  Couldn't have said it better :)



Especially about smacking - never does any good.

Sharalyn - posted on 11/12/2009

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Sounds like you need more ME Time. Ask a trusted family member or friend to watch the kids for a few hours. pamper yourself so you can (1) feel better, (2) relax, and (3) clear your head. You think better when your feel better. Hope this helps.

Angela - posted on 11/12/2009

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I hear you about being tired. I am a mom of 4. 10, 7 4 and 2. Plus I do daycare for a 1 year old. The best thing I have found is to ask if they just need a hug. But we also have a glue stick from a hot glue gun. We use that for spanking. We have only had to use it 1 time on 3 of the 4 kids. It is nice because it bends and you can fit it in your purse, diaper bag and even your back pocket. Also we use vinegar for whining. They get a tsp of it for sassy mouth or for whinging. It works most of the time just for me to put the vinegar on the counter because they all have had it and it tastes nasty and makes all 4 throw up. And laying the glue stick out too. I also try to make it a point to give each child at least 10 minutes of just mommy time. Even if it is just holding them on the couch while the others are playing on the floor. But I need help too!!! So any other suggestions would be great. I am a tired mom and a burnt out mom. My husband works late every night. So I feel like a single mom most of the time.

Helaine - posted on 11/12/2009

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Aways have something simple at the end of the day, like a toasted marshmallow, nothing that fancy. Don't forget your own marshmallow. Also if things are still bad try hiding yourself in a closet and get the kids to go and find you- tell them when they find you that you were so upset by their behavior that you had to hide, it is a mini time out for you.
( I know it sounds silly but it worked when my kids were younger)

Debora Ly Rolino - posted on 11/12/2009

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Hi Jodie!
I have also a 3 year and a 16 mths... Helped me a lot to move all "mandatory" tasks, such as shower, to before 5:30 pm... So by the end of the day the only "negotiation" is dinner...
After 6pm they can whatch I little TV (wich I turn off always at the same time) and play in their room...
Good luck!

Jodie - posted on 11/12/2009

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thanks guys. I know smacking isnt good, thats why i try not to do it. We have a regular routine. But now night time is becoming a huge issue again. I will try some of the things you have suggested. I am in a mums group, so there are others who have similar experiances there. I guess i just needed reinforcement, so thanks

Rose - posted on 11/11/2009

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take some time out by yourself or with a friend. Is there anyone you can leave them with for an hour or two.

discipline is a harsh word but some times you need to consider what exactly are they doing that makes you feel so tired and angry. you need to step up when you say no mean it. dont let them rule you. show them who is the boss.

Sarah - posted on 11/11/2009

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At the end of the day, when my 3 and 4 yr olds start fighting and I find myself snapping at them, that's my cue to give myself a quick time out, then I get down on the floor and play with them for a few minutes and then to the bedtime routine.

Katie - posted on 11/11/2009

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Children do not understand how to deal with emotions. So I think that it is your job to teach them how to do that. I'm not sue of your relationship status but if you have the ability, when they need a time out be sure to give yourself a time out too...in your room with a book, a hot bath or even a quick shower. When you stay calm they will stay calm, or it will be easier for them to calm down.

Olivia - posted on 11/11/2009

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u know i had trouble with my oldest now almost 3 and non of it was working either but i started timeout one more time and constantly put her back and in same spot and finally it started to work it took about a day but she stays now its hard cuz it takes lots of patience and when u r angry about to yell breath and try to see what your daughter see.s like yelling would you yelling at yourself scare you and it helps a little to calm down i try it doesnt always work but most times but just be patient and you know whats best for them better then any of us!

[deleted account]

Routine is KEY. TV is proven to be too stimuating to watch within an hour of going to sleep (especially for children). Set a reasonable bedtime and let them know what it is and show them that time on the clock.
Reading after a bath is such a good "together time" thing to do just before bed.
(Someone suggested stickers for unacceptable behavior- but, stickers (any reward) should only be given to reinforce good behavior)

Amber - posted on 11/11/2009

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Are they still napping? Do they nap at the same time? If not, it will help you if you can get it to happen, that way you all get down time mid day. Are they possibly going to bed too late? I know when these guys were younger sometimes they really just needed bedtime at 6:30, other times not until 7:30...it was all based on how cranky and tired they were. And as far as discipline goes...you have to pick your battles, and at their young ages they are really just looking for reactions, being curious, and going with impluses...so most of what they are doing they really don't mean it to be naughty.

Do you have an evening routine? What works for us is dinner, bathtime/showers, then quiet time..they can color, watch tv, read books, anything calm..then hugs/kisses, and bed.

Melissa - posted on 11/11/2009

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I know how hard it is to cope with small children. However, it is important to remember, they are not developmentally able to understand your frustrations. Time management is your best friend right now. If you work and are coming home to full time mom duties then you need to make sure you have a routine that never changes for any reason. Mommy play time, dinner, bath, read a story and bed. If you are a stay at home mom, then join a play group and make relationships with other moms, and again set a routine that never changes. Breakfast, play time or park, lunch, nap, snack, play time, dinner, bath, read a book and bed.

If after setting a routing you still feel "angry" as much as it is hard to hear, you may want to look for some support groups that will provide you with some coping ideas.

I do feel that I should say, that smacking is never going to work. Children of this age do not have the ability to understand why you are "smacking" them, their little brains have not developed to the point of true understanding and they only feel fear and unsafe.

Carol - posted on 11/11/2009

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well, i take it by three you mean yearsm so here goes :3



reward system! organize a special moment at the end of the day! like, maybe a tea party with them, serving chamomile tea [to calm them more than anything, hehe] and pretend cakes!!! make this a privileged event, only happening when they are well-behaved!



you can also make a chart with stickers, where they can place a sticker next to their name when they are naughty - then at the end of the day the one with the least stickers get a special reward!

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