Help with the in-laws?

Amy - posted on 05/16/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 3 months old, and my fiancee's family is really not involved. They live across town (his mom and his brother) and his mom has only seen her once, his brother hasn't even met her. Neither one drives, his brother's gf drives them around. Lately, they have been eager to see her, mostly they want us to bring her to them but think they are willing to come here. Here is my problem. They all smoke, like pack a day smokers (his mom is on disability, recovering alcoholic, daily pot smokers) who smoke inside their house. They also have 2 dogs and a cat. They are not very clean people. I used to stay with my fiancee when he lived with her and their lack of hygiene makes me extremely uncomfortable. (i've never seen handsoap or sanitizer anywhere). So bringing my daughter to their house is out of the question. But I do not want the smell of smoke to be around my daughter. I know that the smell on clothes and hands can be harmful to babies, hell adult people as well but I don't want my baby girl exposed to those toxins! And my fiancee' understands this, he does, but I also know he wants his family to be apart of his daughters' life. I don't know how to deal with this. Or am I being extremely paranoid?? My daughter is so sensitive, she breaks out and itches around animals and such , I don't want her to get sick, but I don't know how to allow them in my home around my child under the influence of drugs and smelling like smoke and dog and who knows what else! Ah maybe there is no solution. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'll take any advice or if any of you have a similar deal and want to vent too I'll take that as well!!!

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Katie - posted on 05/16/2010

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I dont blame you. i wouldnt want them around my baby. If they cant respect your wishes as a parent then they dont need to be in their grand daughters life. Simple as that. And i would let them know that. If they get mad...they will get over it. The child is YOUR daughter so they need to respect YOUR wishes. I simply do not associate with people who do drugs and if they think doing drugs, etc is more important then quitting for their granddaughter then tell them to beat it. unfortuanately i know what it is like to have inlaws. i am fed up with some of mine as well. Except i have a different story. I could tell ya but i would be here all day venting as well. lol. i wish i could get help as well and find a solution but all anyone tells me is it is OUR kids and if no one can respect that then they dont need a part in my sons life. Your not being paranoid your being a responsible parent. I definitely would not let anyone even tough my kid that doesnt at least sanitize. There is no doubt about it. But like i said...if they dont understand and they dont want to sanitize and stop smoking pot, etc for your daughter then they need no part in her life. and let your husband know that. There are ways to quit like getting help and they need it if they think doing this crap is more important then seeing their grandbaby. I wouldnt let my baby be around that bc then your daughter will be asking you all sorts of questions. Hope things get better and my informatino helped you out. Good luck!

Stevie - posted on 05/16/2010

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im right there with ya i wouldnt allow it at all no one is allowed to smoke in my house and i will rip anyone apart for smoking or drinking anything near my children they will NOT be around that same with a nasty house we dont do that crap and sounds like to me your angel is allergic to animals (that will suck when she wants one later down the road) so simple solution for that not to be around them right well even if they come to your house they might as well have that animal up in your daughters face it will still be on their clothes even if they were to get rid of them there isnt an easy solution for your issue aside from meeting up at a mcdonalds or something and not letting them hold her i know i have problems with my mil (mostly) and i know my son doesnt like her (he has good taste) but your child will be able to tell (even this young even younger really) if she doesn like the ppl she is around i totally understan your stbh about wanting family around but i think keep them few and far between meets until they can straighten themself out and such just at a distance but first of all i think you guys should find out why they now feel like they should be in her life?

Sheena - posted on 05/16/2010

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i totally agree with katie.. i do have a solution tho.. u could meet them out in like a park or somewhere where u arent closed in by walls... tell them they need to wash up like take a shower n have clean clothes... explain how ur daughter well get sick if they dont n make sure they really understand that its VERY important that they r clean.. even if u have to say it to them a few times.. i have alot of allergies n my son probably well when he gets older n i always need to explain to people that i cant be around certain things n lots of times i say it over and over and over until they finally look at me like im crazy.. also sometimes i tell them about things that happened to me because someone didnt lisen to me n i got sick.. then some people understand... if they dont want to do that then tell them too bad because ur not risking ur daughters health because they cant wash up n not smoke for an hour... my fiance use to smoke never inside the house or the car cuz i have asthma n a month ago i found out i actually have an allergy to all kinds of smoke.. now he only has 1 smoke a day n as soon as he comes inside he washes his hands n brushes his teeth.. n now i dont smell anything on him n he says soon he wont even need the 1 smoke a day.. im so proud of him :D good luck to you n ur family! :)

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Kate - posted on 05/19/2010

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Let them know your concerns in a very nice manner also letting them know that you would like them to be apart of your baby's life . Then let them know your do's and dont's. I wish you well on that manner pray on the matter and ask God's guidance in the matter.

Shannon - posted on 05/19/2010

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My mom is very involved (my in-laws are not but their loss) when it comes to our 1 year old twin boys and she is a smoker...the only one!!

I do not take my boys to my parents house because, although she doesn't now(its off and on) she has smoked in the house, and regardless it still smells.

The only time I go there is that if the weather is nice and we are able to visit for a short time and we say outside.



I have laid down rules, and if your daughter is important to them, they will have to follow them.

My mom when she comes over MUST:

Change her shirt

Wash her hands and does not smoke while she is here (it took almost 9 months but nmow she doesn't)

and when we go out places and we are in my vehicle she is not allowed to have a sdmoke in the parking lot and get into the vehicle. If she wants to smoke she can have a smoke on the way into a store/mall and let the smoke air out in the store.

I am srict with these 'cause its important to me & to the health & well-being of my boys!



Hope this helps & Good Luck.

Shelley - posted on 05/19/2010

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I can so see why you are torn on this I would not let them around the baby unless they are in clean clothes & have washed up. & it should be your so who talks to them & tells them its for the baby.

Marie - posted on 05/19/2010

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Absolutely, it should be your fiancees responsibility to talk to his family & protect his daughter.
However, if all else fails... perhaps when you do see them, then clearly 'throw into the conversation" how babies are extra specially sensitive to smells, and it has been suggested that even a mother returning home from work should change her clothes so the baby can smell her, rather than all the smells of her day. Perhaps if you mention this a few times, to both your financee & his family, they're realise how important it is to you.
I know how you feel. I'm not one to tell people what to do, but when i had my first everyone wanted to take photos all the time, and i had read that the flash is not good for newborn babies eyes, so i mentioned it to my partner and "he decided" ;o) that no one should use the flash. Its amazing how protective they get if you mention that it could be harmful to their precious new baby!

Sandra - posted on 05/19/2010

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No way, don't bring them there. Maybe invite them for a BBQ so you can all be outside. Maybe have your husband pick them up so he has control when to take them home. It should be up to him to explain why the baby can not go to their house. If all else fails think of it this way " No role model is better than a bad role model" Your child will not suffer because they don't see an uncle or grandma. Stick to your guns. If you don't advocate for your child who will? Good luck

Blackwood - posted on 05/19/2010

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You are soo not over reacting. This is something that your husband as to discuess with his family and he can simply inform them that they are welcome too come over to visit, however do to your daugters sensitivites they will need to wear clean clothes that are smoke free and wash their hands before touching her. You can make something up if it makes your life easier. He can say that the other day one of his friends came over and just finished a smoke and your docter was very upset and started to cough, you took her to the doc's and the first thing he asked is if anyone was smoking around her, you guys didn't relieze till you got home that it was proberly due to your husbands friend. You called the doc and asked and he said it was a high possibility. I know it's hard becuz you don't want too sound mean or uptight and put your husband in a uncomfortable situtaion, so this is were I say it's okay to tell a tale to make everyone not feel bad. Best wishes. My sister flat out told her inlaws that they need to wash their hand before touching her daughter due too smoke.

Alison - posted on 05/19/2010

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Ugh. Definitely avoid going to their place. Ultimately though, I think the relationship with family is more important than the toxins. Moderate exposure on occasion will most likely have little to no adverse effects on your daughter. However, laying down all of these rules and stipulations could cause major tension in the family. Try to come up with a solution together. Try to be very diplomatic. Try to be VERY flexible and remind yourself that your daughter does not need to live in a bubble (I'm not saying that is what you want, just that it is ok to be exposed to stuff that isn't good for us every once in awhile).

Good luck!!!

Amy - posted on 05/19/2010

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Yeah they seemed to be excited while I was pregnant but of course I couldn't go near them because the smell of smoke made me insanely nauseous. I think his mom got some minutes on her phone (which is rare buying weed is more important to them than having a phone) and he was sending her pics of our daughter which made her want to see her pretty bad. Of course they don't ever have the gas to come across town, and there is NO way I am bringing her to their house. They are selfish people. Unfortunately, they are his family. I don't trust them though. They have taken advantage of us and where they don't have much, we don't either! But like always they expect us to drive there, or go pick her up and let her stay in MY house. No way. I do like the idea of meeting somewhere though. That would seem to be the only solution, I literally refused to live anywhere close to them because I didn't want them around me or my child that often...if we were in walking distance they would be over mooching all the time! Usually it's the mother in law who doesn't like you, they love me, I turned their son into a functional human being! They just would like to take advantage of his kindness, and I don't want my daughter around that. Thank you all for your support and suggestions, in laws!!

Tara - posted on 05/16/2010

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First, ask them politely to smoke outside, and not while holding your daughter( i do with my family) and, you could also lend them a shirt from your place to put on while they hold her, just be honest and explain your concerns and i'm sure they'll understand. :)

Katherine - posted on 05/16/2010

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I don't think you're over-reacting at all. Third hand smoke is very bad too. Poor hygiene, animal dander....I honestly don't blame you one bit. I just don't have a solution for you :/

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