Hi...i have 2 kids 11 and 5 who are constantly fighting...they fight over ''EVERYTHING'' i try punishing,taking stuff away from them...telling them over and over and over...i feel like it's a lost cause....any suggestions ???? HELP !!!!!

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Danielle - posted on 11/18/2008

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Have you told them why what they're doing is wrong or bad? If you just yell at them and don't explain you amy make them feel as though they don't deserve an explanation and you'd be taking the eay way out. Try to figure out t he rout o fhte fighting and have them make some kind of compromise. If you only punish then they won't learn. All they will learn is that if something isn't going their way they should punish the personwho is causing it to be that way.

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User - posted on 11/19/2008

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I would let them work it out themselves. My children aren't at that age yet, but i remember fighting with my younger brother every day. Very aggresive, big fights, but now, and for a long time now, we have been best friends. We learned that we can always talk to each other, rely on each other and we always help each other. It will be tough, but explain to them that you are no longer the referee, and they are old enough to work it out. I would only step in if it gets violent, always encourage words. Especially the phrase.....I feel, or I don't like it when,.... Good luck!

Maggie - posted on 11/19/2008

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I'd probably take some time to spend one-on-one time with each of them. Do a mommy and me activity with them and while you're at it, see how they're feeling. They might be more forthcoming about the reasons they're fighting if you guys play-talk.

Jessica - posted on 11/19/2008

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This may seem a bit odd and mean but when I was young and my brother and I would fight, specially physical fighting, my mom would make us face off in the familyroom. We would have to stand face to face and take turns hitting each other. We would start out with little taps but sooner or later one of us would hit the other a little to hard until we were both going at it. The thing that got us to stop fighting was that we werent allowed to stop this "fight" when we wanted to. We had to keep hitting each other until my mom would let us stop. It was usually 6 months or more before we would get into another fight....I can only remember doing this a total of 3 times ever. Good luck!

Vibeke - posted on 11/19/2008

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Could it be that they are just bored. Try to go outside with them, and do something fun together. Or maybe you need to to something together with them inside, like playing a boardgame. Kids love it when we spend time with them....

[deleted account]

My boys are 10 and 4 My oldest is ADHD and sees a specialist who suggested making them do chores together when they aren't getting alone. It makes them learn to work together, even though they don't want to. When I hear them start to fight, I tell them if I hear anything else they'll be doing chores. It usually works. Otherwise, I have clean bathrooms...so I win either way!

Tanja - posted on 11/18/2008

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I have this same problem. My kids are 5 and 10, so there is a lot of fighting in my household (more just the older one making the younger one cry). At times it does seem hopeless and you feel like a broken record. However, the thing I find that works for us, is in fact 2 different things based on the situation.
1. If fighting over something, I ask them to stop (calmly) as there is no reaction from me. If this doesn't work, we remove the item in question (because if you can't share, it's gone til they can earn it back), if it's a video game or tv it's turned off. When they are ready to agree they can have it back, they usually figure it didn't work to their advantage and work together to get it back.
2. It regards hitting or shoving, it's time I separate them. After a few moments, i bring them together, ask them to calmly each explain the situation to me so I can hear both sides, then talk together about it (would you like it if I smacked you, etc...you know blah, blah)
When all else fails (which let admit it does sometimes lol) I walk away and let them figure it out...and sometimes that works the best of all. After all they are kids and siblings are best at fighting each other, but if someone else ever stepped into the mix..watch out lol

Kathie - posted on 11/18/2008

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I have a "No Fighting" rule in my house. The common area is for the family as a whole and to be a pleasant place. If my kids START to fight, they are told to go to their rooms until they can communicate calmly. My kids are now 13 and 12. They no the rule, and a re pleasant with each other. I'm not saying they don't fight. They respect the "time out" and tend to work it out without hurting each other.

User - posted on 11/18/2008

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Well what I do when my daughters fight over things I made a Friday box. The box at the end of the week it could be give back if they didnt fight over items. And I usually say fighting is unacceptable and turn my back to them that way they now know they do not get a reaction out of me. Just to let you know that it could take 30-45 days to break a habit when you do the turning your back method. But by the end you will not be sorry. I have already seen improvement in my girls after the first two days of using it. I would also use along with what I have suggested the Goodwill box. When I come back after a few minutes of the turning my back method I explain to them since they can not be nice with there toys they will go to children who would take care of them and not fight. After a few times of going into that box they minimized the fighting over toys. But The Friday box works a bit better because they can earn them back.

Misse - posted on 11/18/2008

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i was just given a book to read called 1,2,3 magic, oddly enough it really works, i have 4 kids 2 boys that are diagnosed as adhd, and this book has really helped us out!

Amy - posted on 11/18/2008

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I know your kids are older then mine but everything my kids fight over gets a time out time where either one can play with what there fighting over. Then I say if you cant share then no one uses it.

Vanessa - posted on 11/18/2008

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MyMum always told us kids (5 of us) when we were fighting, that we had to sit at the table faceing eachother. We were not allowed to talk for 5 mins then she would ask each of us WHY we were fighting, we could never remember WHY we were fighting and she say "So there's no problem"..

Amie - posted on 11/18/2008

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I remember this but mostly from your 11 yr old's point of view. My mom has four kids and we were fairly stretched out in age ranges. She had me and my one brother close together, then waited and did it again with my baby sister and brother. There was nothing on this world more annoying to me than having to deal a little sister and brother while I was becoming a teenager and then when I was one. I know they just wanted to spend time with me and would start throwing tantrums and arguing about everything when I'd say no go away. Of course being the oldest I got the brunt of the blame, I was old enough to know better than to argue with a child. =) It does pass though, try distracting them from each other so they have less time together to argue. It worked for my mom and it did not hurt my relationship with my siblings at all. Now that they are older and almost done high school we're closer than ever. Not because we were forced to be together but because we learned on our own to get a long and once they were older it was easier and they weren't so annoying. lol. It helped too once they started having their own friends to play with through school and their own activities. Do remember to that they know they love each other but really having a baby sibling that much younger is almost embarrassing to a young budding teenager and your little one just wants to be a big person just like the oldest. It does pass though. =)

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2008

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When they fight, try this. Make them sit and hug for so many minutes. Then make them appologize to each other. And finally, have them make a list of so many things they like about each other. Remind them how lucky they are to have each other! They will learn to either get along with each other or stop fighting, because they get sick of doing this. Either way it's a win for you!

Sharon - posted on 11/18/2008

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You have to use one punishment if necessary all the time like a broken record, over and over and over but not changing your tone of voice either,offering different consequences confuses them. If it is a quarrel they started on their own, let them finish it on their own. If it is physical then what I did was have them sit in separate chairs in the same room and let them decipher the problem on their own and come up with their own solution, if they ask for advice offer. Let them know how respect works for each other too.

User - posted on 11/18/2008

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Hi, I have a 12 and 7 year old, I have various ways to sort them out .....
1. Give them separate chores to do apart from each other, ie clean their rooms, clean kitchen, vacuum, wash dishes .... put their fighting energy into helping you around the house.
2. Play a board game or card game together as a family, they will put their aggressive behaviour into trying to win the game instead of fighting with each other.
3. Reward them when they are being nice to each other (as rare as it will be).
4. If it really gets bad, I send them to their separate rooms for awhile and explain to them that they cant come down until they apologize to everyone in the house at the time. If they continue to fight , then they continue to go back to their rooms ... they eventually get tired of being in their rooms ... perseverance.
Claire

Mary - posted on 11/18/2008

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I wonder if they're fighting for your reaction. Maybe it would help to let them work it out sometimes. I have 4 kids and had to learn the hard way that they don't learn conflict resolution skills if I handle all the conflicts. I still go crazy when they fight because I was an only child. I get involved when it's physical (but this is rare) or when there's something I can teach them by my involvement. For example, when I can help them see a way to compromise and both benefit from the solution.

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