hi when should i stop supporting my kids(19yrs and 22yrs) financially?.
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Jennifer - posted on 08/10/2011
Valerie I think there's a huge difference between supporting financially and kicking them out the family home though. I would never kick my child out our home, but if they are working it's only fair they make whatever contribution they can to the household income =)
Valerie - posted on 08/10/2011
I don't care what others think but personnally in my culture I just don't kick my kids out just because of the age...It depends on every family individual situation..It is what right for you and guide them into the direction of independence...They are always welcome to my house only because the economy we live in today...How the heck poor 18 yr old suppose pay for rent that is 800.00 or 1000.00 that don't have high paying job...I feel for the kids in our society...what has this world come too...trust me you will know when is best for you..
Eileen - posted on 08/10/2011
Without more data, how can one tell? In our situation, being without a husband was unplanned and unexpected. My 17yo has a job and will be paying for her own college. She lives at home, so I buy her food. She buys her own gasoline, and will soon be buying her own vehicle.
I have a friend who had been supporting children in their late twenties. It is a hard habit to break, but she is working on removing them from her house. One rule of thumb says to support them as long as they obey the rules. When they are too old to obey Mom, they are too old to receive support. How long can you afford to support them?
Lisa - posted on 12/02/2009
If they are not going to school, I feel they need to work full time. As long as they are not causing a financial burden on you, they are still too young to be living on their on. If they are trying to further their education, then do what you can to support them..
Madi - posted on 12/02/2009
if they are staying at youre house, i think they should help you with rent, food and bills depending on their situation eg working full/part time/ studying. if they are out of home then they are out on their own and should be independent.
Tammy - posted on 11/30/2009
I have three kids. My oldest has 4 girls, my daughter has 2 kids, and my youngest has 3. All 3 had to move back home for one reason or another. The oldest is here now. Waiting for his divorce to be final. Hopefully your kids are working. If they are they should be helping with bills. Also helping with household chores. They need to realize you have helped them to get to this point in life, mostlikely by yourself. You do not owe them anything. And life doesn't come with mom giving them a free ride. After all mom hasn't had a free ride. We do owe our kids love and respect, and we do more harm by not expecting things from them. If you are able to work you should work. Love is everything. What a marvelous feeling payday gives us. Everyone needs to experience it!!!
Kathie - posted on 11/30/2009
I believe each child is different...however as parents our JOB is to teach them independance and self reliance. As a general rule with mine after high school they had to start helping with the bills (example; pay part of electric, or water), they also had to start contributing to household food stores. This normally did NOT take long before they decided they would be better on their own. ;)
Emanuella - posted on 11/29/2009
Hi karla! My personal opinion is that actually you never stop supporting your children. Once you become a mom you're always a mom. What you should have done is that during their upbringing you teach them staff and how to become more independent as years pass by and there will be a point where they'll stop depending on you. But please don't be mistaken that there isn't going to come a moment actually many times during their adultery that they will need your support, your guideness. As long as their are getting older so do you and in that case there will always be things you know that they are going to face.
Yvonne - posted on 11/29/2009
We all want to give our kids more than what we had, but sometimes this really is not helping them. Are we helping them to cope when we are no longer there? Tough love is sometimes the kindest way to go. Spend a little time thinking about this please....
Vashti - posted on 11/29/2009
I reckon 'when' depends on your circumstances and what you mean by supporting them financially. Do you want them to move out, or start contributing to food bills? Do they earn their own money or are they unable to because they're in college/uni? Do you buy most of their things (clothing, food, shoes, educational supplies), while any earned/pocket money of theirs goes on their leisure activities (music, travel, designer clothes, entertainment, makeup)?
I don't have grown children yet, but I expect they will still be living at home until their mid 20s (because that's the trend - though trust me, I'll encourage them to go to Uni in another city so they move out at 18!)
Good tips I've heard from friends with older children is;
1. Show them two budgets! Your current budget including how much it costs you to keep them! Put together a second budget that shows what you would have if they didn't live at home. Put as much as you can in the budgets - how much money you spend on food, bills, cost of running a car/s, costs for their essentials (medical), their costs for luxuries (new/expensive clothes, travel etc), include costs for your 'luxuries' (or lack of most likely). It usually takes three months of saving receipts and records to get a really good idea of where the money is going to put together a thorough budget. Explain sadly how you don't end up with enough money to do the things you like, and that you possibly feel taken advantage of. Ask them for suggestions for things they can do to ease your burden because they're old enough to come up with some helpful things and they'll feel more positive about changing. Hopefully they'll see you as a person and not just a payout.
2. Explain you need them to take more responsibility for their financial future and take them to a financial planner - one lady I know did this and the kid now has an apartment and new car, but said kid still lives at home...
3. One friend charged her kids 'board' which she saved in a separate bank account that she gave back to them when they moved out - the kids knew this so didn't mind giving board. They used the money to get a rental and beginner home things. It was an incentive for the kids to move out as they did about 1 year later. This usually works better than keeping the board for expenses (which you may need to do), mainly because the kids want that money back!
4. Once kids have a job of their own, parents should stop paying for all their extras. It doesn't mean we can't spoil them with a trip to the mall for a new pair of jeans or a dress, but it does mean they pay for their own entertainment. Still, you'll need to find ways to encourage them to get a job because where's the incentive if when they have one we halt the gravy train? Ideally we shouldn't be paying too much on their entertainment to start with.
Renae - posted on 11/29/2009
Hi, I don't have adult children. I am 30 years old with an 8 month old baby. However, it was only 10 years ago that I was 20 years old and supporting myself since 18. During university my mother paid for my books, I was studying psychology and the books are extremely expensive for a young person. During my first year out of home my parents paid for half of a fridge, bought me a microwave and gave me some of mum's pots and pans and other bits and pieces. Everything else I bought second-hand (vaccum cleaner $20, washing machine $50, couch $30, can't remember the rest). When I met my now husband he had to give me money if he wanted to eat at my place as I couldn't afford to feed him on my $30 a week grocery budget! We car pooled to university because noone could afford the petrol to drive themselves every day. I feel like I have worked hard for my achievements, it builds you as a person and teaches you that nothing comes free. I saved up for everything I have including house deposits and cars. During my early to mid 20's I worked some hard jobs, long nights and 80 hour weeks. I have done everything from serving drinks, to cleaning cars, to decorating cakes! I am now a successful career woman (until I recently became a stay at home mum - best job in the world) a business owner with 2 degrees and 3 properties. I am glad my mother and step-father stopped supporting me. Those hard years helped to make me the independant, successful and confident person I am today. You CAN expect adults to support themselves, they are adults after all.
Cindy - posted on 11/29/2009
Now! They are both considered adults, so should not be relying on you at their age. My 17 -almost 18 year old has just flown the coop and is doing it all herself. She has a part-time job, looking for full-time and is sharing accommodation with two others. Of course i have given her the option to move back home if things don't work out, but she will still have to pay her way. I guess you could say i have raised her the old-fashioned way as i was. I never spoilt her with everything she wanted, only what she needed and have always tried to gently encourage her to live her life that way to. I wish you well in your endeavour to wean your "adults" off your apron and purse strings(lol!)
Laurel - posted on 11/29/2009
It depends on the circumstances. My family is helping me a ton because I'm finishing my graduate degree and have two kids under three yrs old. I am still expected to pay what bills I can. The key to stop "supporting" and begin only "assisting" because they do have to aquire the skills to care for themselves if something ever happened (god forbid). I also suggest that the assistance does not come at a detriment to you. You need to make sure that you are not overextending yourself emotionally, physically or financially because the kids will do just what they have always done without being aware of the concequences to you because you're supermom (it always gets taken care of).
Example: My stepmother drove a total of fourteen hours in one day for a bag of clothes because her twenty-one year old son did not problem solve when one of the teammates overpacked. She had work the next day, which was why she had to turn back immediately after driving the bad down there. My stepsister's phone would majically become broken when she wanted a new phone. Neither of these children would be considered spoiled if you just talked to them, and they definitely love their mother, but they also are kids working the system that they have known all their lives.
Ann - posted on 11/29/2009
I am 23 and my parents' rule was as long as me and my brother were full time students they would support us as much as they could. If we weren't full time students then we had time to make money to support ourselves. There were stipulations of course. There was no "taking a semester off," we had to earn good grades-A's and B's. My parents paid for my car, insurance,cell phone, dorm room and later apartment, pretty much everything. I worked during the summers and Christmas break for spending money. I finished college in four years and am on my own completely now. My brother however was an "on again off again" student. My parents supported him for a little while but eventually stopped because he didn't take school and being grown up seriously. They did help him out if he was in a bind. He worked through college and paid for it himself and graduated when he was 29.
My little girl is 9 months old now and I imagine my husband and I will do her the same way my parents did my brother and me. We're already planning for her college tuition. Hopefully Obama won't take all of our hard earned money and give it to the people who don't do anything!!
Robynn - posted on 11/29/2009
Every parent knows their child and knows when to cut the apron strings. I personally am weining my daughter by giving more responsiblity and bills to maintain. She is in college but she is also a new mother of a 5 month old and I will not throw her out to the wolves.
Tammy - posted on 11/29/2009
Well I believe that kids should move out and support themselves only if they are responsible and mature enough to do so.Im not saying its up to a parent to financially do it all. kids dont realise the life skills thats required in life. they have to be taught and society cant teach and assume resposibility where a parent has failed to guide their kids to make them ready for life.kids have it too easy.
Lee - posted on 11/29/2009
At 19 and especially the 22 they should be contributing in some way. I dont know your financial circumstances but either way at this age they need to for their own benifit so they can become indipendant and grow into responsible self suporting adults
Marca - posted on 11/29/2009
I think it also depends on the situation and finances. Communication is the key... giving them time to save and prepare themselves. My children, ages 24 and 21, have received partial support (50% of college tuition and rent) through college. My ex-husband provided the other 50%. They were responsible for personal expenses. Now both kids are planning to go to graduate school... however... they will be on their own. I can help from time to time with extra expenses (I paid for a LSAT prep class). I want to help them (but not too much) because I value education and I think it is important to getting them off to a good start. I don't see my parent responsibilities ending just because they turned 18.
Jenny - posted on 11/29/2009
Hello there I am 64 soon and my son is almost 35, he has his own place , he is a carer and looks after me too as I have recently become dependent on him regarding shopping helping with gardening and other heavy duty things I cannot manage, His rent is very high and he struggles to get through week by week and often I have to help him out with money, I don't mind this at all he is a good lad and does his very best for me, I do not know what I would do without him. As his father has never been there for him we are and always were very close. At the end of the day he is my son and I help him as much as I can, that is why we have kids, to nurture and protect them. I was well loved and I love doing the same for my son
Brooke - posted on 11/29/2009
well I'm 19, my partner is 20. We have been together for 3 years. For the past 2 we have lived by our selves. We now are paying off our own home. We have had no financial support since we moved out of his parents.
I think you need to talk to them about away for them to learn to gradually fend for themselves.
Ami - posted on 11/28/2009
Never, our children will always need our love and financial support. She is doing greatby taking the initiative to do her own thing but as long as she doing something sonstructive be there no matter what. only stop if she stop.
Yvonna - posted on 11/28/2009
i dont support mine (19 & 23) but i do help them when they need it and i always will. ive even helped them buy their houses. i made them get jobs at 16. they were given cars at that age by their grandparents but i told them they have to pay for their own insurance.
Valerie - posted on 11/28/2009
wow..that is hard..everyone is differnt..depend on how y were raised in belief or background...my family always believe in not chasing your kids out until they are ready...but i try keep open communication with my kids and as long they are in school and hard now adays to support yourself in this crazy economy to pay rent that cost just as much a house payment..like some said it is your home so they need to know that and they need to help with chores and do the best they can to help out...continue to guide them to the direction to be on there own...don't beat yourself over it..we our all human and we make mistake...just love them and once they are out they will never be same...i treasure every moment being with my boys as they are older..no rush for them to get married or be serious with a girl...like i said everyone is different!!...do what is right for you..
Ellen - posted on 11/28/2009
Kids must be taught. I will help my daughter as long as she gets her education. She banks 1/2 of her pay for college and the other 1/2 for personal items or what ever. Shes been doing this since her first job. You have to set the rules at the start. Are your kids in school, are they working, are they saving for their future? Theres alot of questions to be asked. Our thoughts we would like her to get her college degree and have no depth when she finishes.Think of all the pro and cons and I am sure you can answer the question yourself. But no free rides!!
Jan - posted on 11/28/2009
Lots of variety here... I guess we spoiled our girls. We gradually increased what they were responsible for through college, had them design their own increasingly-complex budgets. Our relationships with both of them are strong, and they are also really responsible with their money (at 26, married, and 23, single) We've always modeled lots of giving and saving, so I think that makes a difference too.
There is a different dynamic between Canada & the US because of the health systems, at least if you have a child with any chronic health problems.
We also know those adults who are still irresponsible with money & still (at 60!) want parents or government to bail them out of their self-inflicted problems... That's sure what nobody wants!!
We were thankful for the parental help we received at crucial times. This is really a hard time for launching out, but it may not get any easier. The answer may even vary according to your kids! Some seem to "pop out' with lots of responsibilitty, others have to hit their heads very hard to learn it. You might need to be there to pick them up, but not at the expense of sacrificing your own stability, and not if they're just taking advantage of you.
Carol - posted on 11/28/2009
Hi sheba, i have a 25,22 and 19yr and I will support spriitual and emotional and tht is all..As they want to b treated like adults,so I need to respect tht and treat thm so...They are now old enough to support themselves and this is now my time to spoil me!!!!!!
Frances - posted on 11/28/2009
Now, they are old enough to work so they should be. Admittedly I live at home with my mum because I'm a single mum but I pay rent and i pay all my own costs. We live like flat mates and share the cooking , cleaning, etc. I left home at 18 but circumstances had me return every summer. When I was 23 my mum kicjed me out 3 days before xmas and it was the best thing she could have done for me.
Teri - posted on 11/28/2009
There are too many variables for a clear cut answer. It depends on the "kid"; the families financial situation, if the child is in school, respectful, helpful, etc. etc. If they had to stay and it is hardship on the parents they should pay something towards rent, food, etc. If they are just freeloaders tough loves needs come into play. There is no such thing as a free lunch and the sooner they learn that the better.
Marta - posted on 11/28/2009
Hi Sheba. My daughter will be 20, and my son will be 18. I have not supported them for over a year!! I do help them out when they need it, but they pay me back! I have taught my kids the way I was raised. Earn for yourself, and 'Instant Gratification' only comes from a back rub!
Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2009
i feel being an mom is an life time commitment, no matter what
there are times it gets 2 one ,but for my kids id give everything i have
in this manner i know they ,know iam ther for them in all iam and what iam
iam not ther judg God is .
mom of 2 (19yrs & 21)
Sheba - posted on 11/28/2009
hi ..thank u all !
all these views have been extremely helpful in making my vision clear as to what i should be doing and what all i was doing right and wrong .........i lost my husband, theirfather,6 yrs ago and i was worried i was going to make them mama's boys by pampering them ......we sat together and discussed this issue . i am happy and feel blessed .........thank u all
i live in delhi , india and we have a joint family system .
but parents are parents across the world ........and we have a job ..to nuture .....and to teach the kids cycle of life ......they have to learn to live their own lives with support when in need ......
Sarita - posted on 11/28/2009
I agree with Ms. Sherry, If they are doing something like going to school I will still Help out from time to time. But if they are like my husbands brothers taking up space, freeloading and only call grandma ( who raised them) when they need money, a cell, clothes... Then HELL NO!! I think as long as you set bondaries or limits they will not take advantage of your generosity in the end. I think it is great you are helping your kids.
Julia - posted on 11/28/2009
It completely depends on whether they are in school. In my case, my 19 year old quit school just a few weeks before graduation to "make a statement." Tough love immediately followed from our part, since he has chosen a path we do not condone. It's really hard to give tough love and withdraw support, but we are thinking about the long run and the lessons he needs to learn in order to succeed, and sheltering him from the consequences of his actions is not going to help him in the long run. He's chosen a path where he will probable have to suffer, at least for awhile. Now, in the case of medical trauma or a life-threatening situation, we still would help him, and we are always available for talking and he's always welcome to call collect for a quick phonecall if something happens to his cell phone. I have to say, in the 6 months since this started, he has not asked for money except for a plane ticket to visit at the holidays and he has had to buy his own cell phone and lost his laptop and had to replace it. He has big "plans" and is definitely an out-of-the-box thinker and he might make it this route, but if he fails, he'll need to pick himself up without our help unless it involves getting a GED and submitting himself to traditional education of some sort. Actually, it doesn't even need to be traditional - he could learn to teach meditation at a retreat somewhere (which I could totally see him doing) but that would require some sort of certificate to prove he's qualified, not just his word.
Susan - posted on 11/27/2009
Never, we bring children into the world and we are the ones they count on, some tough love is okay, but if they are trying and failing they will become depressed, you cant take it with you so help the ones you love while you are still here to reap the rewards
Leeann - posted on 11/27/2009
i think that at 19 and 22 they should already be supporting themselves. Living at home is one thing, but supporting them financially is another. Responsibility is a part of life. If they go all their lives never knowing their own responsibilites then you are setting them up for failure. I think that you should talk to them about getting a job (if they dont already have one) and then talk to them about buying their own things. Its the best way to prepare them for what lies ahead...total dependability on themselves. Living at home means the parents bear the cost of the rent/mortgage, and any utility bills. If they have personal technology devices, make them take over any bills that ensue from them once they get a job(if they dont already have one)...then once they get that handled, let them know that you will require a fee from them per month while they live with you, thus teaching them that living somewhere isnt free. Therefore setting them up to pay for their own needs, bills, and rent. that way you can comfortably send them on their own, and have piece of mind. I hope this helps.
Lee - posted on 11/27/2009
It's time to sit down & have a VERY serious talk with your kids. You realize that you have enabled them to stay at home & not expect any thing from them because you let them. You want to change the rules now & that's fine because you are the one paying for everything, but you want to know how to approach the subject with your kids without losing their love. If you didn't have it before, things aren't going to change now. You must either have a written contract with them stating the hows, whens, whos, whats & wheres with them. What is expected of them concerning rent, utilities, etc. Who is allowed to stay, what sex, etc. When they are required to start contributing to the household be it through rent money or household duties that you will be willing to accept in lieu of payments. What behaviors won't be tolerated (i.e. drinking, smoking, drugs, etc) & what they are expected to do in the common areas of the house. Their room will be theirs IF they follow your rules. Remember, this is YOUR house, not theirs. We should never expect someone to support us, nor should we expect our children to do the same. Don't feel guilty because you are wanting to do this now or even if the child is 30 or 40. It's hard learning how to say no. Something I always told my kids was that God always hears your prayers, but sometimes the answer is no. They should be happy that you have supported them for so long.
Mary - posted on 11/27/2009
Do it in steps start with cell phone bill or some other monthly bill. Talk about what you are going to do and add their expenses over a period of time. But if the contracts are in your name be careful they could ruin your credit.
Jennifer - posted on 11/27/2009
Oh dear! I'm sure it's a very tough position to be in. As a mother; you want to help your children, give them a better life than you had, make sure they don't suffer. I think the best thing a mother can do is offer compassion, moral support and positive encouragement. Believe in your children and their ability to thrive in the world; independent of you. And tell them! By giving financially you will enable them (which can creates a disabled adult, unable to take care of themselves). The best give my parents gave me; was saying No. On the other hand; sometimes children really do get in financial trouble, or need a loan for a period of time to make ends meet. Sometimes only a parent is willing to do this without interest. You have to know when it's really needed (e.g., they'd be living on the street, or their credit would really suffer, etc.) and when it's just really really wanted. You could practice by saying "No., but I love you and I'm confident that you'll find a solution to your current need."
Isobel - posted on 11/27/2009
I agree with Jenny :) I was out at 18...and I will be charging my kids rent as soon as they turn 18. (Nobody wants to pay rent AND live with their parents)...that said, my mom put some of my rent away to help me set up my first apartment, I'll probably do that too, it was a great help
Lydia - posted on 11/27/2009
to some degree they should already be supporting themselves - even if not totally self sufficient. If they are studying then it is between you who will provide what - if they are not then they should be working and supporting themselves (or at least giving it a damn good try) - at least that is how my parents worked it and it is what I intend to follow...