Horrible Teenage Daughter Intent On Destroying Family

Liza - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I have a 14yr old daughter who is intent on destroying my family, She has had behavioural problems for a long time and have had alot of help in the past through the school's she has been in but none of the help offered has seemed to work. She is an extremely violent child when she has one of her tanturms. I have had a vaccuum cleaner thrown at me when pregnant with my 2yr old daughter, my 7yr old daughter had her arm broken when she was 4 just for being in my daughter's way, my 5yr old was recently thrown head first from a top bunk for being in the same room and my 15yr old son is punched in the face everytime she walks past him. Over recent months she has had my husband arrested for beating her up when none of the events took place and they were fully investigated by the police. She attacked my husband then phoned police to say he had attacked her when she had to be restrained, she constantly smashes things up in the house and beats her siblings up and denies she has done it even when she has been seen to attack someone she will turn it round on them, we have video'd her behaviour and to be told that wasn't her. My husband is no longer able to live in the family home we spent 10yrs working hard to get and is no lodging with friends and coming to visit the other children when my daughter is'nt in the house as it's not safe for him to be here when she is. This weekend i have had to call out the police to her yet again as she keeps running of with 18yr old lads to find out she had been involved in an arson on a local park and a youth worker had to return her home. We have been in constant contact since July'09 with social services who keep promising to help yet we're still waiting and i phone them most weeks begging for help. My family did take her in for a couple of weeks to give us a break but have said they can no longer do this as she is too much of a problem. Over the years we have tried all the advice we have been given ie: grounding, taking things away, making her earn pocket money, taking her mobile, make-up, nothing works as when we take anything from her she goes and steals from someone else. When she behaves she gets all the praise in the world so she knows we are proud that she has done something right but this is just thrown back in our faces and the constant swearing from her is getting really bad especially when it is aimed and the younger children as it is starting to affect them. Even friends and family no longer come to the house because of her behaviour.. I feel completely alone in all this at the minute and really struggling to hold things together for the rest of the family.

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Sounds like she has a mental illness as some of the respondants have suggested. I believe "tough love" is called for in this situation or you will continue (yes YOU) to put the safety of your other children at risk. Most times you can take your child to an emergency room and ask for a mental health evaluation - just as serious as any other type of medical emergency. You and your husband will not be able to med your relationship unless this child gets some help, a situation which means the family as a whole continues to sacrifice needlessly for the sake of the daughter being untreated. Seek help, don't wait for someone else to do it for you.

Shelli - posted on 03/10/2010

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OMG Please remove her from your home! Something is wrong, Have you had her evaluated psycholoigicly? In our city there is a home where troubled kids, whom which their parents can no longer handle from ages 8-17 can live, and work on their issues. The main goal is to return them to home eventually, after issues are worked out. Child services should be helping, you demand it! That must be really hard as a parent to see your child so unhappy all the time, don't let it get any worse. You & your family really need to heal together, and she needs to heal away from your home.

LaCi - posted on 03/10/2010

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Not sure where you're from, where I am if you called the police over these things she'd be in juvenile detention. If you've already looked into the mental health aspects of it (having her committed as others suggested), consider something drastic, military school would be my next choice. She's your daughter and you love her, but you have to consider the safety of your family and her own ability to function independently as an adult.

Eileen - posted on 03/08/2010

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You are not alone! This sounds just like my daughter. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year and we started treatment right away. She also has OCD and severe impusive beahavioral issues along with ADD. She is not a behavioral problem, she is mentally ill and needs help right away. Don't wait for the state or the school, it will never happen. Go out and find a doctor yourself. Putting up with it until she is 18 and then kicking her out isn't the answer. She needs medical attention right away. Along with that, you all need family therapy. This is something she will have to live with the rest of her life and she NEEDS you all there to help her and support her. It is difficult and stressful, but after over a year we are so far better than where we were before. It is amazing what can happen with the right kind of help.

[deleted account]

Don't know where you live, but my stepsister was temporarily committed in a group home for a LOT less than that. The only person she was a real danger to was herself. Good luck!

Iridescent - posted on 03/08/2010

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She is beyond the help of what you can provide in the home. See about getting a CHINS petition if it is appropriate, and bring her to the ER (restrained if need be) and have her committed. Period.

Jessica - posted on 03/08/2010

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i agree with kate. have her committed. or at least take her in to be evaluated for a 72 hour period. tell the docotrs all the things you've told us.

Joan - posted on 03/08/2010

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hi

i raised my nephew who had some of the same problems as your child. i would feel no guilt for putting her in residential care you need to do this first for her can you imagine how bad she may feel after an episode?if she does have the ability to feel this may even fuel further episodes.(self loathing).in a residential home she will get the supervision and treatment she needs to turn her behavior around if poss. she will be evaluated for meds if necessary.you need to protect your younger children before you lose them. try to accept that this needs to be done for the benefit of everyone,not because you don't love her.

good luck

Dree - posted on 03/08/2010

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Ok as far as getting a pysch eval done...call a local counseling office. Dont wait for the state to get it done or you'll NEVER get any answers. With my son we called a local office explained what was going on and got the appt set for ASAP....in our case it was the next day. He was diagnosed with BiPolar, OCD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), Anxiety, PTSD, and Aspergers. The best thing we ever did for him was getting him put into residential treatment center. He spent 5 mths there...was only supposed to be a 3 mth stay but due to his behavior they kept adding a week at a time to his stay.

Your daughter sounds like a meanier version of my son!!!!!!!!! I strongly agree that you need to do everything in your power to get her AWAY from your other children. She has already broken an arm of one sibling and threw another head first off the top bunk. One of these days she is going to do something that will result in a serious injury or God forbid death. The next time she starts acting out...hitting swearing throwing a tantrum...gather all the other kids in your bedroom. Shut and LOCK the door...or block it with something heavy if you dont have a lock. Call the police tell them what is going on and that this is NOT her first time behaving this way. Explain that you have evidence of her past behaviors with video tapes. Let them know that you are in your bedroom with the younger children keeping them safe and that they are welcome to come in. (You have to make sure the door is unlocked though or they will break it down!!!!) Once you hear the police there you leave the room. Keep the children in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let them know if she hit anybody and if she did DEMAND to press charges. Dont take no for an answer.

We called police on our son in the past and the police refused to allow us to press charges against him because of his special needs. He had even left evidence on his mom and I both!!!!!!!!!! I see where you said her school no longer knows what to do for her. Start doing your research now. Look for a school for special needs/behaviorally challenged children in your area. This happened with Tim and the next thing we knew he was being kicked out of school!!!!!!!! Thankfully he only had to stay home for a few days before we managed to get him into his school that he attends now. We LOVE this school. Its a yr round school which means no summer break for him. But he's ok with that cause the classes are much smaller. In his case....9students per class room with a teacher and 2 teachers aides. To make up for not having a summer they have several smaller breaks through out the year.

You need to protect your other children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lorie - posted on 03/08/2010

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That is one thing that I would not do. I myself could not put my child out especially if I have no idea what is wrong with her. I have no idea where you are at, but where I live we have a place called Lakes regional MHMR, it is a menta clinic. If I were you I would never give up on my child, but I would try and find a clinic to take her to.
I will pray for you and your family and don't lose your faith . My favorite saying is
"And It To Shall Pass" I'm going to share it with you.lol

Liza - posted on 03/08/2010

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Thanks for comments so far we have been requesting psyc evaluation since july and keep being told there is a long waiting list for this and just to be patient even went to the family GP who put in for this and the school nurse has even chased this up for us but seems to be getting nowhere. When she broke her sisters arm my main concern was getting her medical attention and didnt get told for nearly 2 days brought to attention but my daughter is such a convincing liar when you speak to her you end up questioning yourself. The reason my husband hasn't taken the other children is the authorities made him leave the house due to my daughter's allegations and we ended up having a complete breakdown in communication which we are now trying extremely hard to fix but know we will not be able to live together as a family while my daughter is around. Phoned the authorities again this morning begging for help to be told there is NO WAY they will facillitate my daughter and just to keep calling the police out to her and just try to get by till she is 16 in 18months and legally put her put on the doorstep which is absolutely fantastic advice from trained professionals which is helping none of us at this present time so you can probably understand why i'm feeling so alone in all this as i keep being told her bahaviour is just normal teenage stuff and sibling rivalry is to be expected even her school have phoned me this morning and again this afternoon not knowing what else they can do and offer.

Amanda - posted on 03/08/2010

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Has she seen a doctor about a possible mental disorder? I find it interesting that she says that it isnt her when flimmed beating up her siblings. I agree its time to commit her to a hospital, or dention center, until they figure out what is wrong with her. You as a mother need to protect everyone in the home, even if it means givin one child up to protect the other children.

Tah - posted on 03/08/2010

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Let me say that the fact that she is attacking her other siblings means she needs to placed in a detention facility someplace, they can do a evaluation of her, maybe she needs medication, but I would be the one in jail if she attacked and broke the arm of a sibling because I would have beat her until the cows came home. Some people don't want to do that, you need to have her removed from the house that you and your huband built and began to put the family back together, she hasn't spent any time in a place with a bunch of kids who don't think they are tough, they are tough...she needs a psychiatrict and psycological eval immediately and you need to get the whole family out of harms way..

Audrey - posted on 03/08/2010

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I personally think, from my own experiences that there is defiantly an under stated problem. Have you tried taking her to a psychiatric? Get her to talk to someone on a regular basis?

Lorie - posted on 03/08/2010

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When a sibbling starts attacking the other sibblings is is time to call for some backup. I do not know your family situation so I can;t tell why your daughter is acting out. When she broke your daughter arm, didn't you have to take her to the doctor and didn't they ask you what happened? Most important were you honest with them? I know here where I live I you take a child to the hospital hurt from a sibbling, on purpose. they would take that sibbling and place them. It just seems as though this has been going on for awhile. My biggest question to you is why are you putting your other children in danger? Why didn't the father take them with him leaving you to have some one on one with your daughter?

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