how can i get the respect of my step daughters after 3 yrs

Sabrina - posted on 01/19/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

1

7

0

i have been trying to get respect out of my step daughters for three yrs now and i just filed for a divorce because i can't handle the wat they treet me anymore. Does anyone know something i don't?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dorothea - posted on 01/19/2009

92

25

8

I'm from a blended family. I was that disrespectful step daughter. It's from that stand point I will reply. I saw my step mom as the person who broke up my parents marriage. It wasn't until I was much older (divorced parents at 13, understanding happend in my 20's) that I realized that my parents broke up their marriage. She just happened to be the one to help my dad pick up the pieces. I HATED her for all those years for no reason, other than the fact that NO ONE explained the truth to me. If the child or children are old enough have the FATHER explain things to the girls. Be honest and up front, don't decieve or "rat" on them to their father when they do something you don't like. That being said, try to be their friend, and never ever, no matter how true it may be, don't EVER bash their mother in-front of them. (They'll hate you for ever.) She may be the slutiest or lazyest person alive, but DON'T say that to them. Also one last thing I wish my dad and stepmom would have done is family counsuling for ALL of us together. I think that would have really helped us. I hope you reconsider your decision on the divorce. It's not going to be healthy for anyone. Please try counsaling first.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

28 Comments

View replies by

Della - posted on 01/21/2009

6

25

1

I married my husband when his son was 8 and it was pure hell for the first couple of yrs. The house didnt feel like it was mine when his son was there. I asked Michael to do something simple like put his shoes on and when his dad wasnt around id get told 'no'. It was always my dads house, my dads this and that. It took pregnancy hormones in me to go a a bit mad once after Michael had gone and scream and shout i couldnt do it any more. genuinely my husband didnt have a clue what was going on. So he sat him down and explained to Michael everything i brought up and we set ground rules, such as bedtimes and things. Which he never had before! I think the problem is, children are very good at emotional blackmail... the more you try the more they know they have to wrapped around your little finger so to speak. I think you should get your husband to have a stern word with them and maybe you act with a bit of indifference? Maybe thats there way of being loyal to their mum rmemeber, as much as you probably dont want to hear that. I think the most important person in all this is your husband. hope this helps.....

Tina - posted on 01/21/2009

2

14

0

WOW...I go thru the same things with my step-daughter. Your husband really does need to back you 100% and let his daughter know that even if your aren't their "mom" you are their step-mom therefore you deserve the same respect that he does. Also, once they realize that you aren't going anywhere they will eventually lighten up their attitudes. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2009

1

1

0

The child's mother could be saying things but if you handle it correctly on your side it shouldn't matter a lot.  I have 2 step-daughters and a step-son in addition to my own 4 daughters.  Blended families are difficult and you have to be committed to making not just the marriage but the family a priority.   I agree with the person who said that you have to remember your place.  You are not her mother.  You are the mother in the household but that is it.  You should never discipline your step child but obviously you will have to give direction and correction being the mother in the home.  My step-son moved in with us when he was 16 (he is now 20 and lives at college) and my step-daughter just moved in with us (she just turned 18 and will graduate high school in May).  It was not always easy since their mother has always referred to me as "that woman" and has never considered co-parenting.  (I did not break up my husband's first marriage.)  You have to support your husband and he has to support you.  Agreement between parent and step-parent on rules and consequences is essential.  Good luck.

Loretta - posted on 01/21/2009

4

30

1

let me say, i have a stepdaughter who is very disrespectful to me. i believe it is due to the fact that her dad always works and her mom is uninvolved alot. she blames me. i have been her stepmom since she was 2 years old, she is now 11 yeras old and let me tell you im still fighting that battle. we have been to counselling, have had several heart to hearts with her but nothing seems to work. my husband does stick up for me and we stand the same ground. all i can say to you is dont let the children ruin your marriage, if your husband and you have a good relationship then stick with it. eventually they will grow up and hopefully grow out of it. thats what im hoping for. i just dont let her control our home. we have full custody of her and her mom has visitation so needles to say i am playing the mom and dad role to her due to my husband working all of the time. he works a job that takes him away 24 hrs at a time. so believe me i know its rough. just stand your ground. try to build a friendship with them. enough of my rambling. i hope i helped. good luck!!!

Andrea - posted on 01/20/2009

11

14

0

how old are your stepdaughters? they may have it in their heads that your trying to replace their mother in someway?and maybe thats why they don't have respect for you, but you have to let them kno that your not trying to do that and nobody can replace her. you and your husband need to sit down with them and have a good long talk and tell them how you feel and set some rules on how everybody needs to be treated. and your husband who is the father of these children needs to stand behind you on everything that you do or say.

Shelly - posted on 01/20/2009

3

30

0

Luckily my stepdaughters and I have a great relationship and have from the first day. I don't know what it was. I told them from that day that as long as they respected me I would always respect them and to never cross that line because I don't think they'd like it when I did. But I have had friends that say just be as nice as you possibly can. Even when they treat you like crap. They don't know how to handle it when they get in your face and treat you bad and you don't give it in return. Fill the fridge full of their favorite foods and snacks, and include them whenever possible. It's hard to give advice when I don't know exactly where you're at. But I will tell you, I don't think divorce is the answer because you're actually giving them exactly what they're hoping for. Running you off. The meaner they are, eventually they'll push you to the limit and you'll go. A lot of times that's their alterior motive....kill em with kindness. don't fight.

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2009

1

7

0

You and their father have to be on the same page and believe me sometimes thats impossible. I have been there done that. Some of our biggest arguments are over the way his daughter treats me, and how he allows her too with his help. Unfortunately sometimes you just have to tell him its not worth it and no one should have to chose between their kids or love, so I guess what I'm trying to say is TALK, TALK, CRY, YELL, TALK AND FIGHT FOR WANT YOU WANT. Don't give up until you lay it on a line and depending on how old she is talk to her together cuz daddy's little girls need to be reassured that she will alwys be first but daddy can love others too. Hope I helped a little.

Misty - posted on 01/20/2009

3

28

0

I have a stepdaughter too. She's 12 years old and her dad and I have been together for over 8 years. It doesn't end until they are grown. Your best bet is do not leave. Be their friend, but have rules with consequences. I understand some members saying you're not their mom, but when they're in your house you are the next best thing. Here's where the problem always lies though - The father. He must lay down the law with his daughters about respecting you, your home, your children, your rules and your feelings.



It took several years to get thru to my stepdaughter, but we have a pretty good relationship now. I can honestly say she has come a long way. I am not perfect and have made many mistakes just as she has, BUT I do love her daddy. The only thing that matters is how much you and your husband love each other because the 2 of you have to care for one another when you get old.



Oh and honey, there will be many head games played throughout the years, so be prepared. Be tough. However, I don't recommend ignoring them or their problems because those are the things they remember the most. I had lots of advice from people telling me just to ignore my stepdaughter and not do things with her (almost like a punishment), but I did the total opposite of that. That's the part that pays off in the end. You know the saying "kill them with kindness", that's what I did. "Treat others the way you wish to be treated" - this was also preached to my stepdaughter.



She does still have her moments and her mom causes a lot of issues for her and us. However, we still following the same set of rules we've always had....treat others the way you wish to be treat & break them down with kindness. Your reward for these kind acts doesn't come immediately, but it will come to you.

[deleted account]

I am a step mom also and all I can offer is what seems to work for me! My daughter is 16 and came to live with us going on 5 yrs ago. I also have a son and they are both 16, fun huh! I have to let my husband do the discipline with her and I used to get upset with her (I have a hard time not showing my emotions) but I try really hard to keep a handle on it now. When she gets in trouble I let her know she has to talk to her dad, not me, and I don't show her how upset I am! If you let them know your upset by yelling etc. it gives them the power and they have won! We have been doing family counseling for years now and I think that we finally found something that works?? Time will tell! Of course you need to have your husbands support, don't let them win, if you leave they have won and they will not be living in the house forever! Good luck, I feel for you!

Shenique - posted on 01/20/2009

5

6

3

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A STEP MOTHER. BUT ONE THING THAT I DO KNW IS THAT YOU DONT LET CHILDREN COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. ITS NOT WORTH IT. MAYBE YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUBBY AND LET HIM KNW HE NEEDS TO TALK TO HIS CHILD AND SEE WHERE IT GOES FROM THERE.

Tasha - posted on 01/20/2009

4

10

0

Its ashamed to let the children drive you away from the one you love. I have 2 steps and for the most part I get respect, however I am very strict parent and I simply dont tolerate disrespect. Have you tried family counseling? Was your husband any help with building the relationship with the girls? His actions are key. If he allows them to treat you badly then they will continue to think it is ok.

[deleted account]

It deoends on their ages and this may sound contoversial, but do you give them respect? If you give respect then you can ask for it in return. children only have the ability to learn if they are taught what is expected/requested from them. It stands a good chance that they didn't choose for their parents to be apart and they didn't choose you to be in their life so they will make it as difficult as possible for you. They are probably questioning your authority and if you work on it then i'm sure that as the woman of the house you can pull everyone together. One other question i would ask you is, what does respect mean to you? I am a family coach and i work wirh families of children, if i can help further then you are welcome to call me on 07817 271146, Loretta x

Tina - posted on 01/20/2009

8

23

0

im having problems with my 11 yr old with my husband and i have been with him 4 yr and she doesnt want us to be together im trying everything i will let u know

Emma-Louise - posted on 01/20/2009

2

21

0

I have been in my Step Daughters life since she was 8 months old, she has NEVER known any other relationship between her Mum and Dad growing up, it has been me and her Dad and her Mum and the Husband. She has ZERO respect for any of us and we have been responsible adults, myself and her Mum are friends we all have days out together with all our kids. The family over all is good, sadly my SD @13 and always has thought she knows better than anyone, she has no respect for Adults at all and pretty much thinks she can do what she likes when she likes etc. etc. Sadly she takes no notice of Mum or Dad, (Dad tends to sit in the side lines), Mum calls ME when there is are probs that needed disciplining (for support and lead) and I have always stepped up to the mark and forfilled my role as a step parent when I've needed to or been needed. However the parents, when the SD gets her attitude on etc do not and never have backed me when I have needed it therefore letting the SD have this attitude not just with me but all of us and any other adults. It used to cause no end of rows between myself and my hubby and she loved it, truly loved it. After the most recent row ,which had nothing to do with her, it was between me and her 21 year old theiving. lying, piss taking, ponsing brother who needed a kick up the arse to get his life sorted' I have now decided that after nearly 14 years of being there for them whenever they have needed me, being disrespected and dis regarded by the two of them when I am not needed or doing something they dont like, I have decided to have nothing more to do with them and that they can just have their individual relationships with there Dad. It is to stressful to deal with them as well as 8yr old, 4yr old and a physically impared husband. I just cant deal with their crap anymore, they dont respect me or anything I've done over the years and beleive me thats a hell of a lot(more than any other step parent I know), so now they can have me out f their lives easy 4 me as reduces stress levels, nice for them as they would rather not see me (unless they want or need something) good for my family, as in hubby and other 2 sons as my house is calm and attitude free. Beleive me my sons are no angels but they will learn some different values to the ones their half siblings have. Dont divorce your hubby if you still love each other, pull yourself back from them and stick to it, love your life and you and your hubby love each other and dont worry about the SK they dont wanna know so why should you. I have one rule and that is my hubby does not try to convince me otherwise. GOOD LUCK

Heather - posted on 01/19/2009

54

17

2

my step dad and i get on fantastically im actually closer to him than too my mother and all he did was try to be there for me, show me that he cared about me and that i could come to him with anything.



i do agree with Natasha tho, your husband need to be setting some ground rules, the only problem is that now may be too late, it really should have been done in the first place. it is hard for him too tho he doesnt want his daughters to think that he will always take your side and that he doesnt care about them anymore.



 



good luck tho, hopefully you can work something out, how old are the girls tho, is it really worth breaking up your marriage when in a few years time they may be old enough to understand what they are doing.

Tracey - posted on 01/19/2009

77

35

14

I grew up in a blended family from the age of 8. There was never any pressure from any of my parents, my mom, my father and my stepdad all gave us space. The only thing any of them ever said was......mom said: none of this is your fault, and you should look at it like this, you have so many people loving you...my father: pretty much same as mom, stepdad said: i'm not here to replace your father, i just want us to be friends...we made our own decisions. But to just give up your husband because of some self absorbed kids is pretty much stupid, unless you never really loved him enough to begin with. You will win the battle sooner or later, and if it's respect you want, try giving some......one little step at a time. Make the kids a deal or something........children should NOT run adult lives EVER!!!!!!!

Judy - posted on 01/19/2009

1

5

0

I have been a stepmother for 30 years. I have made mistakes but always tried to treat them with respect. We had many ups and downs, I cried oceans of tears, but I stuck with my marriage because I loved their father more than I hated how they treated me. I finally realized that I had to take the high road, continue to treat them with respect and let their Dad deal with their behavior. It wasn't easy but I survived. I have learned to get my needs met from My husband, my birth children, the one stepson that calls me "mom" and my grandchildren (all of them). It's enough...and I'm happy. God bless

Kim - posted on 01/19/2009

5

12

0

I have been so close to divorce myself, my sd is now 15 I've been here since she was 2 1/2.  I get no respect fromher at all.  I'm so tired of people saying its a "teenage thing".  Her dad just ignores her, I guess he's hoping she will move out, I don't know.  I can't leave because I am very ill and have our 9 yr old son tothink about.  Good luck on finding any answers.  I do think it comes doen to the father and what he demands.

User - posted on 01/19/2009

1

19

0

Their past is going to play a certain role here. But i agree, if the dad doesn't set down boundries, the children will never listen. Just remember you have to give them the same amount of respect that you would like in return. And treat them as equals to each other.

Dorothea - posted on 01/19/2009

92

25

8

Oh, My dad had myself and two sons (both younger), and my step mom had two daughters (one older one younger) and one son (older). Just so you know my familys blending, AND one last thing I would mention is showing favorates, with your's over his or vice versa, that just causes anger between the children.

[deleted account]

I am so sorry that it has come to this point Sabrina. My husband and I are thrilled that we managed something very difficult...to create a functioning blended family. I agree with Natasha. Also something more, you cannot and must not act as the children's mother. They have a mother! You are the caring adult that their father loved and married. As such, they must give you respect. But you are "not the boss of them". Their father fills that role.

Hope this helps, best wishes.

Sierra - posted on 01/19/2009

12

30

2

i agree, with Natash.



my little sister was the same way with my step-father



Also depending on the age (around 9 and up) and how long her dad was devosed and/ seperated from her mother, she may feel a little insecure that you may be taking her time away from her father.



if you leave she will have felt like she won and she will just keep doing this over and over again and it will only hurt her and he father in the end.



she needs to know that there is a stable relationship that no one will destroy, no matter what.



try taking her out shopping and out for lunch ask whats up, whats new. maybe she might need a little friend to talk to (dog, guini pig,ect), this really helped my sister.



good luck.

Sierra - posted on 01/19/2009

12

30

2

i agree, with Natash.



my little sister was the same way with my step-father



Also depending on the age (around 9 and up) and how long her dad was devosed and/ seperated from her mother, she may feel a little insecure that you may be taking her time away from her father.



if you leave she will have felt like she won and she will just keep doing this over and over again and it will only hurt her and he father in the end.



she needs to know that there is a stable relationship that no one will destroy, no matter what.



try taking her out shopping and out for lunch ask whats up, whats new. maybe she might need a little friend to talk to (dog, guini pig,ect), this really helped my sister.



good luck.

Tammy - posted on 01/19/2009

1

20

0

There are a lot of factors that go into respect concerning blended families and also just in general relationships with children.  How old are they?  How old when you and their dad got together and how long were you together before living together or marrying?  What is there relationship like with their dad, their mom, each other? ect...... There is just a lot of things that go into this.  Although we would like it to be its just not as easier as simply "getting respect".

[deleted account]

hi hun I have 7septkids

u just have 2 try but I found

let them come 2 u thats the way I did

its is hard hun but keep with it

u will get there in the end

just tell them the way u feel

@ u both should stand 2 gether so they can not play u off with 1 nother good luck hun xx

Natasha - posted on 01/19/2009

19

10

3

Its her dad....he has to make it clear to her that she has to repect you.  Not because just becasue you are his wife but because you are an adult.  Then he has to follow through by backing you up.  There should be some house rules with some standard punishments.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms