how can i live peacefully with my 17 year old daughter

Becky - posted on 10/21/2009

i have a 19yr old and 15yr old so i know where your at in you problems. i know the road is probally rogh at this time and you feel like just giving up but dont! i went through this with my oldest. take everything she owns away (tv, phone, computer, her bedroom door, ect.....) then find out where she is going, who is she hanging with, what are they all doing when there together. after that put a big hault on all of it!!! if she wants to go out tell her no, if she runs away call the law, and if that dosnt work see if you can find a home or local jail that would let you take her there (just to stay a night) so she could see where she will end up if she dosent stop this behavior. (mine was stuck in back of cruiser one night) im sorry your down this road i know you feel its your fault but believe me its not!! just be a loving mother and stand by her!! hope this helps and good luck!!!

Erin - posted on 10/21/2009

i just really want to thank all of you who have taken time to voice your concern for my daughter and myself.....i wish i could say everything is going more smoothly at this point....but it's not..i'll keep uou posted tho....thank you again

Magdaelizetth - posted on 10/19/2009

Erin I can see where your frustration and need of help come in. I have a 12 yr old that looks literaly 21 and tries to act the same. Unfortunately I gave her too much leeway and freedom as she was growing, so when she finally started to turn heads and getting the wrong attention I started to grow concern, and before you knew it she was acting just the way you described your daughter. Nothing I said or did was good enough to make her understand. I, however, have been blessed. I learned about Jesus, I learned about the Holy Spirity and I learned about God... I started going to church, and making deals with her. You can go to the movies but you have to go to service with me, or you can go skating till midnight BUT you have to go to service with me. In the process I was praying so hard... I accepted Jesus into my life, and made Christianity a way of life. Ofcourse it did not happen from one day to another, but before you knew it, my daughter was waking me up on Sunday mornings to get ready for service. Now she has gotten saved and Water Babtized. Her grades are all A's and she is a Great Volunteer helper. Im not saying things will be as easy as I wrote them, but its a process. The first step is for you to seek God, and if you already have him in your heart, make him a way of life... Pray for her every night. Seek a church that is able to touch you and ask them to pray for you guys also. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope it all turns out well. God Bless You!

Sherri - posted on 10/19/2009

Although many moms dont want to hear it its called tough love ...cause its tuff on us moms to follow through and it breaks our hearts and not them. I am a mom of a 22 and 19 and a 15 year old and have been through this. First stay calm and cool. NEVER get in a yelling match with her or she wins. If she threaten to call the cop, you pick up the phone and call them first reporting an unruly teen. Next if she runs away call the cops. its against the law for them to run away untill they are 18 years old. I also agree with Sharon take her stuff away.. it is a privlage not a need. Just know this, they come back and realize they were the bad ones and this is not your fault! Even good perfeft (HAHA) parents have kids like this its the freinds they hang with now a days. Hold tuff she will come back may take a year or 2 but they come back.

Kathey - posted on 10/19/2009

You might suggest that YOU are going to call the police and report parental abuse....when ever I would get out of line at home my dad (and he was never abusive) woul let me know that there were other places I could go that would make me wish I was back home. I will be praying for you. Teen years can be tough. Did you ever think of talking to the authorities for ideas?

Sima - posted on 10/19/2009

Erin, The good new is, they come back as human beings in a few years. Also, this behavior has nothing to do with shortcomings on your part. There's a series of "Ophelia" books (search Amazon) that can be very helpful. At 17, they're likely to experiment with the 'big 3' (sex, drugs and alcohol) I survived as a single parent by not going into denial about this. As for discipline, you really lost your vote unless you have power through money or car keys. But then you're still constantly in a war zone. It helps to be honest and matter-of-fact; If you suspect drugs, sex and/or alcohol, better to discuss consequences and decision-making honestly instead of acting like it's the end of the world and no one ever did this when you were young. It isn't unless they feel they are backed into a corner and must lie and scream their way out of it. My daughters are now in their 20's, as are the au pairs I work with through a national service. It is so helpful to remember where I once was myself.

Yvette - posted on 10/19/2009

You may want to check into what your community offers for teens, such as going to the Police and asking them what is available. Or, you can look into what children's aid offers as far as programs and supports. In my community, we have places to send teens for school that are geared to kids that are having difficulty. You need to really check what is out there and not be embarrassed about getting the help. I am a mother of four teens and believe me, each one is completely different than the other. I had trouble with my son and we had to go through counseling and also had him assessed by a Psychiatrist. You never know, there could be something more going on than you realize. Each child communicates in a different way. Sometimes it helps to have a third, unbiased party give you some tools to work with. It is difficult to follow because we have been programed by our own upbringing to react to them in a certain way. We have to retrain our way of thinking and reacting (even though it kills us to do so) in order to be able to communicate with them on their level. Believe me, it really helps. Don't be afraid to ask for help - just as you are doing now on FB. Get community support - you will be glad you did! Hang in there, it does get better.

Susie - posted on 10/17/2009

My suggestion is for YOU to run away from home. No, I am not serious. But I do think that changes in behavior indicate the need to make sure some outside influence is being exerted here. Drugs? She's again testing boundaries. Stay strong, but pick your battles. And it is true, the mother's curse works. You can have the satisfaction of telling her that when she grows up, you hope she has kids just like her. Then wait and watch the fun when she does.

Lana - posted on 10/17/2009

First thing: It is NOT your fault, and sometimes even the best parents wind up with kids like this. Hang in there. You know you are doing everything you can, but you can't let her get the best of you or let her walk all over you. It is time to take a stand. Be loving, but firm. She will eventually figure it out. This has happened to a lot of my friends . They are having problems with their teenagers or young adults. I think it is a product of our society. We are raising kids who think it is OK to be defiant and disrespectful because that is what they see on TV. They also think they are entitled to a decent living without having to work for it. I have tried very hard with my own children, only to have them turn it all back on me. They do not take responsibility for their own actions either. Surround yourself with understanding friends and know that it will all work itself up when they mature a bit. Don't lose heart.

Jenifer - posted on 10/17/2009

Have you ever tried any type of counciling? I don't know what is out their, but I would think there would be some type of support. What about talking to her doctor? What about seeing psychiatrist? Maybe she needs to talk to someone other than you or her friends. Someone who is nonjudgmental & objective. Family counciling?

Angela - posted on 10/17/2009

I'm sorry to hear about the bad time you are having with your daughter Erin. My daughter is just turned 18 and although she is an angel compared to a lot of kids, she is very strong willed and likes to have her way with things. I think the main thing is to have guidelines set and stick to them. Its not easy and they push you a lot to get what they want but the truth is when they grow up a bit they realise those rules were there for a reason. Teenagers have to have rules even if they dont like them for a while. My son went throught a phase at that age of drinking etc. It was a worrying time for us as parents. But he is about to turn 21 now and has settled down. It passes. Just be there for her when she needs you and try to discuss her problems with her. If she cant speak to you then take her to someone she feels she can speak to. Sometimes it needs a third party to discuss the issues comfortably. At the end of the day kids need lots of love and support just as we do. I wish you luck with your daughter. xx

Erin - posted on 10/16/2009

just thanks for your input....idk....she ran away over a week ago now. i dont even know what to do or how to feel anymore

Wendyanne - posted on 10/15/2009

hello im still young enough to remember wat i was like at that age i wasnt that bad i dont think but if i was this is wat id hope my mum n dad would do with me i would lock the door on her wen she runs away n and let her feel wat its like to spend a night outside it wont hurt i promise ive done that 1 b4 just pretend u dont care even wen u do obviously wen she tells u she is goin to call the police give her the phone n tell her to do it i call it reverse phycolgy how ever its spelt im guessing it will be pretty hard for u my brother is the same to my parents and hes 22 so if u dont get a handle on it now i dont think it will stop and my mum n dad r just no strong enough to handle him he s out of control but i give him a punch in the noes wen i catch him doing it tho lol i hope this is a help for u im no expert coz imonly 23 and havnt got that far yet but young enough to remember wat i was like

Sharon - posted on 10/15/2009

when she is gone I would strip her room of everything she values.



when she gets home take the cell phone too.



She exists by your grace. Everything she has is due to you. All of those things were bought at a price paid by you. You don't owe her an MP3 player, cell phone, nail polish or clean laundry.



You've provided the clothes, good meals and a safe home.



If she physically fights with you - I hope you have witnesses - call the police.



always tell her you love her. Let her know you will always be there for her. But enough is enough.



You're running out of time to set her straight.

Lyndi - posted on 10/15/2009

I was a pretty stubborn teenager and things were rough between my mother and i when i was at that age. but it didnt have anything to do with her. i was just going through alot of different issues at the time so i lashed out at my parents. yeah now i know i should have just gone to them and talked to them about my issues and that they would have been able to help me but to a teenage girl you dont believe that your parents understand. all i can say is just hang in there it doesnt last forever my mother and i are now best friends and now that i have kids of my own i realize how much parents do understand. just be strong! try being there for her as much as you can. kinda be like a friend to her and take her to go do something just you and her. talk to her about things that you dealt with at her age and then she'll see that you do understand and if there is something going on with her she should feel more comfortable knowing that you have gone through alot of the things she is going through. i wish the best for you and your daughter!

Socorro - posted on 10/15/2009

Have you ever examined yourself where you went wrong? Please remember that at times, our children are a product of our molding..But there are children too, no matter what and how we do our best to raise them properly, they do the other way...I remember a friend whose daughter was exactly the same as yours. She started to badmouth her daughter even telling me odd stories about her. Incidentally her daughter got cancer, 4th stage... Oh God! But everything can not be undone..Just be calm, show her of your concern, don't push her to the wall.. In time she will realize when she will have a daughter, too.