How can I tell what and if my son is eating during visitation.

LISA - posted on 08/16/2009

try to come to an understanding with his dad when u have children involved and the other mate is not cooperating it can be hard! be overly nice to the dad even if its fake and it kills u then maybe he will warm up and give u the info u looking for! good luck and be blessed!

Lydia - posted on 08/16/2009

keeping alog is a good idea - although you obviously dont trust him so there is still no guaruntee he will be any more honest using alog. You could request supervised visits maybe so that there is another person there to monitor things such as feedings?

Hanna - posted on 08/15/2009

Quoting Heather:

To answer what some of you guys mentioned....I do send him with two bottles of breastmilk. They come back totally cleaned(smelling of dish liquid) or half cleaned (the bottom rinsed but not the top). This last time one came back cleaned and the other came back with some milk still in it. Funny thing was he did not return them with the nipples and tops that I had provided. So he changed the nipple and top when I already had them ready to go? I dont understand. Yes I do have a lawyer. I actually fired my first one and got a second one because of what the judge ruled. My lawyer did not seem to really care what visitation he got. No he is not going through a growth spurt right now and I tried to tell them I was only nursing but the judge either did not listen or my lawyer did not express the importance of it. I am documenting everytime he sleeeps eats and has a diaper change and I have been since the first visit. I talked to him doctor and he said since it was 2 times a week it should not affect his growth. We were only together for a short time so we have no mutual friends that could stop by and check up on him. I thought about asking him to video my son eating so that I could make sure but Im positive he will just get mad and refuse. And I am the only one usually with my son all day so its not really an easy thing to pump and then have someone else feed him...especially since we have already tried that....even when i was not around he refused to eat. He has already made it clear that he does not care about me breastfeeding so I know he wont think twice about giving him soemthin else to make him stop crying.

Heather, then for the sake of your son, you need to get him eating from the bottle. buy whatever bottle you need to buy to make sure that he likes it (and i would buy at least a #2 nipple, maybe even a #3). and send the bottles ready to go -- with the nipples on already -- most bottles are leak-proof enough, so it won't leak through the nipple so just have them ready, top on and some ice packs in between to keep it chilled for the few hrs that your son is at his father's so that when your son is hungry, all your ex has to do is pull out the bottle take off the cap & stick it in the baby's mouth. i can't stress it enough, but you need to make it IDIOT PROOF and when you think that it is, go back and make it even easier and more idiot proof.

my husband lives with us and takes care of the baby on daily basis and loves him dearly, yet i still find dirty bottles, nipples, used to fiind soap in baby bottles that was poured directly in the bottle instead of a sponge (until i put my foot down and told him not to use soap when washing baby bottles), veggies that he's feeding our son (5.5 months that haven't been pureed properly or passed through a strainer so had some chunks in them  -- a few times i've actually had an argument with him because he made peas for our son but didn't bother to strain out the skins and when i asked him, he lied to me saying that he did and then it was like oh well what's the big deal? another time, i caught him boiling a carrot for our son who just started veggies in the same pot as bread fruit that needs to have all the starch boiled out of it or even an adult can get upset stomach, all because he "didn't want to dirty up another pot" -- again, i was called paranoid and control freak). the point is that they are like kids, but they have an ego bigger than a building and you can't tell them anything because they know better and even if they care, for whatever reason, certain things are just complicated for them so the easier you'll make it for him, the less chance you're running that your son is going to eat something weird while he's over there and come home sick or with an allergic reaction (and of course your ex will deny everything and it'll be your word against his).

i'm sorry for all your headaches, hang in there and hopefully it'll work itself out and in the meantime, just try to make it as safe as possible for your son even if it will require a bit of extra thought and work for you :) Good luck to you!

Eirini - posted on 08/15/2009

Quoting Erica:

Its 4 hours..he wont starve in 4 hours, you cant really do anything about it and I know it sucks! Just keep sending the bottles and nurse him when he gets home. I went thru the same thing with my oldest child and his "father" and its hard but there isnt anything you can do about it. When your son gets older he will be able to tattle on daddy...or maybe his father will decide being a father isnt for him....mine did. Keep your head up!

exactly mine got tired of having to be responsible..he wanted to see his son without having responsibility...it will only last for so long when they dont care... but you never know this might be a growing experience for him and he might turn out to be a good father...hopefully...but just be very cordial and patient with him and try your best to work as a team with him while he has your son communication is key!...and as long as you keep showing him respect that you feel he might not deserve...he might work with you!....

Eirini - posted on 08/15/2009

I know how it is for someone to act like they care when they don't...just some words for encouragement...it will work out like it is supposed to and if you are truly concerned for your sons well being then you need to stress this to the judge and to your lawyer...If your sons well being is truly being sacrificed and if this man has a history..then you have every right to be concerned and if something happens that is affecting his health and you have actual evidence then I'm pretty sure you can refuse to let you son go unsupervised until you get in front of the judge..but i would consult a lawyer before i went that route because you don't want anything to come back upon you...as far as you and him goes forgive him for whatever he does to you I know fathers that treat the mother like crap but would do anything for their child...I don't know your situation but i am trying to hit all the key points...but it will all work out and you know your son better than anyone you carried him for 9+ and do not be intimidated when it comes to the courts you need to speak up do not wait for the lawyer..at the end of the day they still get their money no matter what decision is made...so good luck!!!!

Erica - posted on 08/15/2009

Its 4 hours..he wont starve in 4 hours, you cant really do anything about it and I know it sucks! Just keep sending the bottles and nurse him when he gets home. I went thru the same thing with my oldest child and his "father" and its hard but there isnt anything you can do about it. When your son gets older he will be able to tattle on daddy...or maybe his father will decide being a father isnt for him....mine did. Keep your head up!

Heather - posted on 08/15/2009

To answer what some of you guys mentioned....I do send him with two bottles of breastmilk. They come back totally cleaned(smelling of dish liquid) or half cleaned (the bottom rinsed but not the top). This last time one came back cleaned and the other came back with some milk still in it. Funny thing was he did not return them with the nipples and tops that I had provided. So he changed the nipple and top when I already had them ready to go? I dont understand. Yes I do have a lawyer. I actually fired my first one and got a second one because of what the judge ruled. My lawyer did not seem to really care what visitation he got. No he is not going through a growth spurt right now and I tried to tell them I was only nursing but the judge either did not listen or my lawyer did not express the importance of it. I am documenting everytime he sleeeps eats and has a diaper change and I have been since the first visit. I talked to him doctor and he said since it was 2 times a week it should not affect his growth. We were only together for a short time so we have no mutual friends that could stop by and check up on him. I thought about asking him to video my son eating so that I could make sure but Im positive he will just get mad and refuse. And I am the only one usually with my son all day so its not really an easy thing to pump and then have someone else feed him...especially since we have already tried that....even when i was not around he refused to eat. He has already made it clear that he does not care about me breastfeeding so I know he wont think twice about giving him soemthin else to make him stop crying.

Nikki - posted on 08/15/2009

it all in the documentation keep alog of how long he eats and when he eats (time on and off breast and what time it is ) tell your ex it is crutial that he does the same for amount of fedding and time it took and what time he was offered food look for trends at home and at dad's if you see something horriably different report it it is hard to fudge so much detail and then you will feel better about what is going on do'nt sent all of the log just what time was the last feeded and sent the bottles prepared for him sounds like he wouldn't just wash them out to fudge it eigther. i found the avent bottles were the best to transition from the breast because you can you a pump with them so you don't have to use the formula some babys smell the difference and won't try the formula. Good luck and hopefully it will help ease you mind

Hanna - posted on 08/15/2009

wow, that's crazy. what i would do if were in your situation is go out and get a couple of different bottles & nipples (see if you can find one that resembles your nipple the most) and make sure that the flow is fast enough for the baby -- sometimes they won't take a bottle because it flows too slow for them. and while you're at home, try to bottle feed him maybe once a day so that he gets used to it (or alternatively, have a man do it if you can -- father, brother, uncle, friend -- sometimes kids won't take a bottle if they know that boob is available and vice versa).

the reason why i'm saying this is because you want to make it easy for your ex to feed him -- it's not about your ex, but your baby -- but if the easiest thing to give to your son is breast milk that you brought with him, he'll feed that -- men are lazy creatures and even experienced dads will take a shortcut wherever they can to get back to that tv they're watching. at least you'll minimize the risk of your son eating something strange and getting sick from it (like cow milk for example or water & sugar or honey, or jam).



as far as what your son ate, well it's really hard to tell without having a camera there -- unless your son has distinct traces of food in his poop -- skin from fruit/vegetable, seeds, undigested pieces of food -- it could have been anything. unfortunately, i can't tell you because i don't know the way this man's brain works. so to be on the safe side, i would just get your son to take a bottle or sippy cup and put whatever you want your ex to feed him in there to avoid any problems, lies, misunderstandings/excuses about how he didn't know or didn't understand.

also, if you're starting food purees, maybe you can mix some banana or something with the milk to thicken it out so that while he's at your ex's he's not starving and as he gets older, buy a couple of teething cookies and start packing that (except i would invest in a feeding chair so that god forbid he doesn't make a mess on the couch and you don't have to hear about how now his couch or whatever is a mess). good luck!

Kirsten - posted on 08/15/2009

That sounds like a tricky one. Since you obviously can't trust him I think the very best you can do is supply him with the breast milk that he needs and hope that he uses it. Your son might be willing to take a bottle from him because he knows that you are not an option at all when he is at his dad's house. He also may have fed twice in 45 min because he wanted the comfort of you after having been away from you for a long stretch with an unfamiliar person. If you're worried about the father giving him something other than milk than maybe you can supply him with some food that you approve of that your son can eat besides milk. Like maybe that can be when he gets his cereal for the day. Otherwise just remember that it's only 4 hours and I'm guessing it doesn't happen everyday so your son will certainly not starve in that time and it certainly doesn't sound like his father is giving him anything harmful or dangerous to eat.

Sammy - posted on 08/15/2009

What a stupid judge!! Yea fair enough he has a right to see his son, but c'mon!! Your son is too little to be with him by himself..could you maybe appeal the decision and ask for supervised visitation?

Do you and ur ex have a mutual friend that could pop over and see if he does feed him..or if you get along with your ex's mother tell her your concerns!

if you send him with a bib check to see if its dirty, get him to feed him the cereal so then that will make more of a mess.

And with the poo issue, maybe he pooed 3 times because he feels nervous and anxious because he has been away from you!

I hope it all works out for you and your son

=D

Jessica - posted on 08/15/2009

Wow! I would like to let you know I work in this field and I am currently going through this same situation! My daughter is 9 months old though and is on a sippy, so a little different.

First of all, do you have a lawyer? Have you told them you are strictly nursing the baby? Is your baby going through a growth spurt at the time, coinsidently? If he is not going through a spurt and he is eating a lot more than he normally does, yah my first motherly instinct is that he is not eating normally with the Dad. I would document everything from the time that your son is returned to you, what his actions are like as far as hunger and maybe ask dad if he will write down the time (s) that he is "feeding" your son.....like you know, you have the motherly instinct and if something is telling you something is wrong, go with it.......have you taken him to the doctor? discuss your concerns with the doctor, bc if he is not growing on the same curve then something is going wrong......hopefully everything works out for you......but document EVERYTHING...bc even if it is just your documentation and not legal and your ex doesnt have anything they will trust you or I hope they would and especially you being mom.....GOOD LUCK!

Melissa - posted on 08/15/2009

wow! what a complicated situation. I think you should send your son with what you want him to eat(bottles of breast milk) or formula and cereal and if he is hungry enough he will drink a bottle if he doesnt have the option of your breastmilk off hand. Just see if the bottles come back empty or ask his father what he ate if they are full. Im am really sorry you are going through this hope this helps.please let me know what happens.GOOD LUCK