How do I connect with my child?

Keasha - posted on 10/10/2013 ( 128 moms have responded )

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So I'm 24. I was married and we had a little girl and split up shortly after. I have never wanted children. Since we split up we each get her for a week at a time. I work a lot. especially at night so i don't see her much. i see her maybe 8-10 hours every other week. But the problem is that i feel bad because i don't really want to see her much. Itry and connect with her but i can't seem to get that lovey feeling towards her. I look after her and give her everything she needs or wants. but that's it. Am I a bad person for feeling this way??? I want to connect with her. I don't know if its because i don't see her much to begin with or what. but i just don't have that connection that i would like to. have. How do I connect with her?

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Stacy - posted on 10/11/2013

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you know there are other women out there that feels this way. You are not alone And some is associated with Postpartum Depression (have you asked your OB about this? it does not mean you are weak, you are just asking for help, she may be able to help you with it), the feeling of not wanting your child. Just for a minute, put yourself in your daughters shoes, even though she may be a baby think of how she may be feeling as if it were you and your mother. Im just assuming here that you love your mother. When you were little and even now it is comforting to have her around, and to know that she loves you and is going to do whatever it takes for you. To look for her for advice and for her to listen and help you the best she can. Giving you unconditional love, anytime oyu see her and especially when you need it.
With that, know that is how your daughter is going to be with you. There is no stronger connection than of a parent to their children. You are going through something I have never been through, but I can only try to understand why you are feeling this way. You are NOT a bad person for this, remember that. Something is going on, and it sounds like it is out of your hands. You are wanting a relationship with her, but just dont know how to get there. I am so thankful to be able to write this to you, I feel very touched by this as a mother myself, I want to help you and do hope that it does.
You said you get her every other week and only see her 8-10 hrs when you have her. That is not enough. If it means you need to cut back hours at work (as long as it isnt effecting you financially) or you need to work out a new schedule with her father, you need more time with her. Spending one on one time just being together will give you time to get to know one another. You will start noticing certain things she does, little faces she makes, the way she moves at certain times, and you will be fascinated. Dont have any phone, tv, internet, any distractions around, you need to focus on her and only her. Give it time, sometimes as many dads I hear of, have to develop a connection to love their child. Maybe its just the same for some women, Im sure its not just men going through that.
Depending on how small she is, try using a wrap around your chest to hold her (forgot the name of those things) "Wear" her while reading, doing chores, taking a walk, everything. Let her sleep in a bassinet next to your bed so she is close to you.

Remember even though you may not be feeling something right now towards her, she is. They are born already in love with you, they look to you for everything. Just keep in mind how you would feel if you were her. Dont feel down upon yourself for this. You are already going in the right direction when you say you want more of a connection with her. Just keep trying and it will come. When it does, you wont hardly believe that you felt this way at one point, it is incredible, the love of a mother to child, look forward to that.
I really do hope and pray for the best for you. God Bless you and your daughter


And please do not listen to discouragement. People may not understand or dont think there is a chance to get better, but dont listen to that. There is hope, and there is something called change. And the only way that will happen is if you open your heart up to the possibilities, if you let the want to change take over. It will get better, have faith

Heather - posted on 10/15/2013

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The larger question here is WHY do you want this bond now?

Now, before we go any further, I'm not judging you, but there are some serious questions that you need to consider here before you go any farther.

By your own admission, you never wanted children. That being said, I'm confused as to why you had one. Accidental pregnancy that you tried to make the best of? Deliberate choice you made to please your husband, hoping your feelings would change? This may be an important factor in what's holding you back here. Neither scenario makes you a terrible person, Keasha, but it doesn't seem that you stuck with what you knew was the better course of action for you where this pregnancy was concerned ... people like Michelle and Kelsie (as hard and uncompromising as they may sound to some) are upset that your daughter is now the one paying the price for that. However, since we can't undo the past, let's take a better look at the present.

I do not know who the child lives with most of the time, nor do I know how old she is. I would have a much easier time advising you if I did. If you don't mind providing that information, it would be immensely helpful and allow some of us to make our advice a lot more specific to your situation.

Moving on ...

The larger, and more important question, of WHY you feel the need to bond with this child at this point still needs to be answered. From the limited amount of time you're spending with this little girl to the fact that you seem to have no maternal inclination towards her (and do not miss seeing her when you two are apart) seems to indicate that your feelings about motherhood have not changed. That being said, are you trying to bond with her out of genuine desire for a relationship or guilt that you don't want one? If the truthful honest answer here is guilt and nothing more, then STOP NOW. No child needs to feel unloved or unwanted. It's one of the most harmful, damaging things you can do to a child. If you genuinely don't love this little girl, it will come through to her loud and clear, despite your best efforts and she will feel a lifetime of rejection from it. Again ... I have no idea if your child is an infant, a toddler, or what. Looking into postpartum depression as a probable cause of your problem here would make sense ... as long as the issue hasn't been that you never wanted a child all along -- in which case, I'm not sure that postpartum is the culprit.

Keasha, not everyone is cut out to be a parent and there is nothing WRONG with anyone who does not want to be one. You have made it clear that you never wanted kids, but that doesn't mean that your feelings could not change. As an example, I never wanted kids either ... and then got pregnant unexpectedly. My daughter (now 9) is the absolute light of my life and I've loved her with all my heart from birth ... but my situation isn't indicative of everyone who lands in my situation by a long shot. Regardless of how you feel about YOUR daughter, you still have an obligation to do what is best for your child.

If you honestly do not wish to be a part of her life, then don't take her for visitation for a week and leave her in someone else's care for all but a paltry 8 - 10 hours. If you don't want to be a part of her life, stop setting her up to come to your house only to be rejected over and over again. If you don't want to be a part of her life, stop trying to force a bond out of guilt.

If you DO want to be a part of her life, make her a priority. If you DO want to be a part of her life, get some counseling to sort out your conflicted feelings. If you DO want to be a part of her life, spend some TIME with her.

Not wanting to be a parent does not equal being a terrible person. Plenty of children have been placed through adoption into loving homes and grown up secure in the arms of a family that genuinely wanted and loved them. Plenty of other children have had a rough start with their mothers due to severe postpartum depression that got managed and things turned out wonderfully in the end. But plenty of other kids suffered when their parents didn't put them first ... and only you can decide what is truly best for your child here -- whether that means relinquishing full custody to her father and letting her live with him the majority of the time, making the time in your own schedule to spend some quality time with her (which you can still do, even if her father has her the majority of the time), putting her up for adoption, or simply bowing out and allowing her to have visitation with other relatives on your side of the family (your mother, perhaps) but not you.

Just make sure that you do what is best for BOTH of you ... and that starts with you being honest with yourself as to what it is that you want out of this.

Amanda - posted on 10/21/2013

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Talk about a judgemental bunch of people!! This woman is crying out for help and all most of you are doing is being cruel to her!
She is asking for help on how to fix this issue she has and I'm seeing many many posts saying she should just give up the child to the father. That is not the help she is looking for clearly!
Therapy is definitely needed here. PND can have lasting effects, which can particularly affect the relationship with the child and especially if it's not diagnosed. Yes there's the issue of her originally not wanting children but she does now and the mere fact that she recognizes that there is a problem and is wanting to fix it speaks volumes.
I would suggest speaking to her doctor and seeking therapy.

Tania - posted on 10/15/2013

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Wow some of these comments are completely ridiculous.

Keasha,
I completely understand what you are going through. I'm 25 and I used to feel some of the same things you are feeling. When you try to reach out to someone or ask for some advice, you're seen as this horrible monster for not having that maternal instinct that every other mother around you seems to have been born with. Just because you do not want to be a mom does not make you a bad mom. I always said from the time I was a little girl until now, that being a mother and a wife was not the life that I wanted. I wanted to have a prestigious career and I knew that not only was I not good with kids, but wouldn't have the time for them that they deserved.

Of course a faulty condom changed all of that and I ended up pregnant at the age of 19 and I left my son's father when I was 23. I always questioned why I never felt that motherly bond with my son that everyone else seemed to just instantly have as soon as they held their child for the first time. Now let me remind you before you start bashing, Just because I didn't feel that bond, does not mean that I neglected him in any way or that I didn't love him. No one knows the relationship between a mother and a child so do not be so quick to judge.

Keasha,
It took me a long time, but I can one hundred percent tell you that I have a very tight bond with my son. He is the sunshine in my life. Do I feel like i acquired that motherly instinct? No. Some people are not meant to be parents, but that does not mean that they are bad parents. Do I still feel the same way about kids? Yes, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. My son has everything and more than he could ever ask for. He knows that he is loved and he will be the first to tell you and anyone that is willing to listen that he has the "best mommy in the whole world, the best cooker, and he loves her with his whole heart." I'm not going to lie and say that it was easy to get the closeness that we now have, but it's worth it. He is four years old and even though he is still little, he understands much more than I thought he'd ever understand at that age. We try to discuss any issue we may have to start working through it.

I'm a full time working mom and a student so you can imagine how hectic my schedule is. Some of the comments about moving to a smaller place so that you won't have to pay such high bills and you could work less and spend more time with your children are absolutely ridiculous. I want to instill the same hard-working values in my son that my mother instilled in me. I am a single 25 year old mom and I just purchased a home this year for my son and I. I am the leading paralegal at this firm and I work as much as I can and as hard as I can, but my son knows that everything that I do, I do for him. He walks around the house and he knows that the rooms are his, the living room is his, the dining room is his, the rose bush is his. Everything I have, is his. The comments about trying to replace the time spent with children, with money and gifts are just as dumb. I work hard and I still make the time to spend it with him. I might get about five hours of sleep each night, but I still am able to spend time with my son and am able to provide him with anything he wants or needs. Sure, it pains me to know that I cant be there for him every waking moment because of work and school, but he and I both know that you cannot accomplish any dreams without a little pain.

You are not a bad person. You will get there. It might not be the closeness that you see around you or in movies, but just remember that it will be the bond that is right for you and your child.

Alexsandra - posted on 10/15/2013

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Keasha, my heart goes out to you. Touch her!!!!! On your lap, sleeping with her, walking with her attached to your body using a sling--ANY contact.
These kinds of situations are tragic and the reason our society is so violent. Babies who do not bond end up with no conscience! YES, it IS that serious. Also, it is not your fault that you were not guided or given help to understand the ramifications of what it means to be a parent. Or, that nobody told you about nature's powerful bonding tools that have lifetime consequences ALL of us! I would weigh things out very seriously. IF you REALLY want to keep your daughter, remember, this is a relationship that will last your entire life. How do you want it? Are you willing to put in the time? How old is your child/baby? Touch and physical contact is the most important element for bonding--thee #1 thing! If she is still a baby, I would highly highly recommend placing your baby in a sling and start going about your life with her attached, do chores around the house, go for a walk, have meals with her on your lap, do your shopping with her, anything where you have some contact! Sleeping in the same bed, or at least the same room is highly recommended for her security needs. If this is bypassed, she, like other children who do not bond, will spend the rest of her life seeking emotional safety and security through all types of twisted behaviors. Violence, cheating, bizarre sexual needs, narcissistic grown up brats feeding off each other. Your child might not bond to a human, in which case, she will bond to material things like bottles, blankets, stuffed toys . . . until she grows and keeps looking for material things and others to fill the hole. IS THERE A GRANDPARENT WHO LOVES AND CARES FOR HER? Whatever daycare she goes to, instruct them to hold the baby so she can feel a human heart beat, breathing, etc. Others will probably tell you it is fine for her to cry . . . it isn't. Try to put yourself in your baby's situation. Feel HER pain. Maybe it will help you figure out what to do.

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Jodi - posted on 11/01/2013

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Ladies, I am locking this thread. There have been far too many attacks reported, and I am sure the OP now has her answer. Thank you for your contributions.

Jodi
WTCoM Moderator

Mandy - posted on 11/01/2013

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I read a few of the comments, but don't have time to read them all. I am a mother of 3, two of whom were emergency C-section, one who was a planned c-section. I wasn't planning on having children at the time in my life when I first got pregnant, in fact I was in a bad relationship, and knew I needed to get out. I found out after I made the decision to leave that I was pregnant. I went through many emotions. Including anger, frustration, feeling helpless, resentment of him, resentment of the situation. My mom and sister were both very motherly types, who both had very strong opinions of what I should do. And for a while I felt lost. I didn't know what to do. It was so overwhelming. I wasn't sure I would ever bond with my little one. Everyone had an opinion on whether I should breast feed or co-sleep, how much to hold her.. finally I went to my dr. I was suffering from post-partum depression. He told me that the women in my life mean well, but they aren't me, and to listen, take what they say with a grain of salt and then do what feels right. By the time she was 6 months old I had bonded with her. I love her very much, but during those first months when everything was new and overwhelming (I was 25 when I had her) I was sure we would never bond. When I had my second child it was similar, both myself and my husband suffered from forms of parental depression that time, but we worked with each other and had family support and again within 6 months we each had wonderful bond with our son. And with my 3rd I knew what to expect, but that didn't make it any easier, my husband was working out of town by the time she was 6 weeks old. Those first 6 months are hard. But I found a way each time to bond with my children (who are now 6, 3.5 and 19months). My oldest doesn't know her dad, he never wanted to meet her, but she doesn't know that. My husband has been in her life since she was 9 months old, first as my friend, then as my partner..
You are not alone Keasha in feeling like you do. The first step, the hardest step, you have already taken, you have asked for help. Now you just need to decide what is best for you and your family. I have more I want to say, so much, but I don't want to be pushy or preachy. My last thought, talk to a dr, your mom, his mom or a close friend. Have someone close who can listen without judging, so you can vent or run ideas past, enjoy the time you have with your little one. It will get easier if you want the bond and work towards making that bond a reality.

Kerri - posted on 11/01/2013

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Being a mom of 3, I would suggest trying to get into her world, trying to understand what's important to her....the world you don't get to see. Think back to when you were a child. What was important to you? Since you have limited time, make it special. I would guess that special time with you means much more to her than gifts. You might even begin to look forward to your times together as you learn more about her.

About the lack of love feeling, I would recommend you learn about God's love for you. Once you understand even a little about how much He loves you, He will help you love others. A little girl really needs her mother's love and support.

God bless you, Kerri

[deleted account]

Hi there, a lot of people have responded here so I will be short. When I had my daughter I struggled to connect with her. In my case it was because I never had a connection with my mother and also never received any positive affirmation or affection from her. She was very cold and manipulative. I was scared to love my daughter and didn't know how to give her the love she needed. When I realised this and let go of my past rejections, I could finally give all of my love (however awkward it felt) and try to love her unconditionally like I was supposed to. I think you should stop worrying and just relax, all those feelings will come and you will grow with your daughter as your daughter teaches you what unconditional love is. Give her as many hugs as possible, and don't hold back. Don't be scared.

Bonnie - posted on 10/29/2013

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It sounds like the child is still very young? Is she an infant or a toddler? Perhaps you have/had postpartum depression. I had that at first when I had my son, and I blamed it on my relationship with my husband going south. We ended up splitting up as well, but I learned that my issues were because of a little bit of depression. For me, talking to someone helped, as well as sorting out other issues. For some people, they have to take anti-depressants for a little while.

You should seriously think about talking to a counselor. This problem is very serious, but it's temporary as long as you talk to someone. You should also think about changing around your schedule so you can see her more, if that's what you want.

As for trying now - people are right. Get on the floor and play with her. Hold her. Hug her. Take her places with you and introduce her to people. Eventually, after you get help, you'll be okay.

Lauren - posted on 10/28/2013

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You can't reap what you don't sow. I think you need to spend some more time with her. And don't try to force it. If you spend time with her the bond will develop on its own. You're not a bad person or you wouldn't care about having that bond!

Deborah - posted on 10/28/2013

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Get down in the floor with her and play like a child... look into her eyes and see the little angel in there and realize that she is worth more than you will ever imagine in this lifetime... lift yourself mentally above the "world" and look down on the two of you, coloring together...

OR, watch this with her... :)

Lisa - posted on 10/28/2013

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I'd say it might be useful just to put yourself in your daughter's place and empathize with what her life is going to be like as she grows up. If you were in her place, what would you have wanted from your mom? How would your mom's behavior have made you feel loved or unloved; wanted or unwanted? How can you be the kind of mom that makes your little girl grow up knowing you did the best you could? Ultimately motherhood involves a LOT of personal sacrifice so that our kids get what they need and (hopefully) not repeat our mistakes. :) Picture her as a teenager and what kind of environment you want her in. Now work backwards from that picture and start NOW. Way to be honest with yourself and address these issues before bad consequences happen... you're already becoming a good mom.

Melissa - posted on 10/27/2013

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How old is your child? I'm thinking you may still have post partum depression if she is less than a year. I had it with my son and felt no connection to him for a long time. I knew I loved him and I would never harm him, but it wasn't automatic like with my first child. Also I work overnights also as a nurse and it has caused severe anxiety and depression. This could be a huge problem too. I'm glad you are reaching out. Not everyone was meant to be parents either...

Loretta - posted on 10/26/2013

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The work of love often comes before the feelings of love. You control your behavior even when you can't control your feelings and what matters most is what this little girl needs from you. I don't know what your job is, but I would do everything in my power to maximize the time I had for my child. I have worked graveyard for years so my little one doesn't have to be away from me as long during the day. This wasn't something I based on my desire to be with her but on her need for me. I don't know how old your daughter is, but I know that quality time does not matter as much for young children as quantity time. And the younger she is, the more she needs physical, skin-to-skin contact with you. You are not a bad person for not having an automatic bond. But the real judge of character is when we can do something because it is the right and valuable thing to do. Even when it doesn't feel super beneficial to us. Kudos to you for reaching out for advice. I hope you will continue this labor of love! My two oldest are in their 20's now and I will tell you that I wouldn't trade the relationship I have developed with them for anything in the world. It is all worth it in the end.

DeAnna - posted on 10/25/2013

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I think you brave for asking for help, I don't understand what your going through, I am a mother of 4, all have stole my heart I think meeting up with other mom's may help you. If you didnt plan on having babies that maybe why your not connecting, but spending time, playing with her walks in park any special time you spend with her is going to make an impact in her life. I am sure this will change for you. She will do something that will captivate you. Best wishes and dont give up you make a huge step in asking for help :))

Tara - posted on 10/25/2013

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I was sad to see people being so judgemental .. there are many moms who cannot love, but have no guts to be honest and admit their feelings .. in the guise of parenting , they behave cruelly towards their kids , at least you are kind and caring I respect your honesty .. dont think that there is anything wrong with you ... . Guess you may need some councilling .. with time you will bond with your child and realize that after all you do love her .

Tosha - posted on 10/25/2013

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You have to get over the fact that you never wanted kids since your child is already here. I believe a bond between a mother and their child is formed while the child is in the mother's womb. In order to build a stronger bond with your child, you have to spend more than the 8 to 10 hours that you are currently spending with her. The bond is already there or else you would not feel bad for not spending as much time as you should. Though, I do applaud you on seeking advice, maybe there are some other underlying issues within yourself that you may need to seek the help of a professional.

Valina - posted on 10/25/2013

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I didn't read thru all the posts so forgive me if I repeat someone else. Its great that you are reaching out for help on this issue. Love is a choice...even some people want to choose to believe otherwise. Your child will be effected if you choose to continue this pattern. Your child will love you anyway, but they learn to love by the way you love them...you teach them. You have the desire to care for her however what you don't realize is that you are not caring for her in everyway that she needs. You think you are giving her everything she wants and needs but those are only monitary things...what she desires the most is your love and time. Start by making time for her on the week that you have her, share with her some of your interests (age appropriate of course) and you'll find joy in her delight! Each little step is one step closer in learning to enjoy your daughter! Just keep searching for a way. You'll find one!

MOM - posted on 10/25/2013

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How horrible. I will never understand how someone cannot connect with their child. Good luck.

Nicola - posted on 10/24/2013

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Hi there - I am going throught the same. I fell pregnant we got married, ended in divorce. The girls stay with him. When I had them, I couldn't give them a second of my time. If I could go back, I would devote every waking minute I have to them. I also never wanted any kids, I was fortunate to stay with a friend who also fell pregnant and was a single mom. She showed me love between a mom and daughter. And I now do these things with my own girls when I see them. So maybe try them, they might help you as well. When u come home from work, leave all house work, play with ur daughter, make bath time and pre for dinner and sleep time ur time. With her. My friend use to come home, and we would take baby to the park in the complex, let her crawl around abit, show her different things, and let her explore, while we sat and also relaxed from work, its a two in won, and both parties won. After park we would go back to the house, but this time baby was bit moany, she's getting hungry, and tired so we would do bath time, a lot of bath toys, bubbles. And play with her while she baths, splash. Water stick spongie toys on her and the bath. See which she likes and repeat those. Dressing time we sat in her room, on the carpet, se use to setup a little dressing station, baby would crawl around. Put stickers low on the walks and watch how she plays and explores. Have toys around, use dim lights in her room as it creates a calming effect. Thereafter supper time, and by then she is so tired that sleeping time was hardly ever difficult. I hope these might work, it helped me and if I ever get a chance to have another baby, I have no doubt that I will be a wonderful mother!

Jacklyn - posted on 10/24/2013

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hi first I want to commend you for being honest about your feelings and wanting to change your current situation. my advice is to look up the audio tape called -the love dare for parents... and get it! it will help you in the correct steps on how to reconcile and rekindle your relationship with your child. wonderful tool and simple steps you can do over 40 days.. little things like apologizing for wrong doing on your behalf. praise your child's for accomplishments they have done lately...ect. it's a wonder ful tool that I love to listen to in the car.

Adrianna - posted on 10/22/2013

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I'm 24 as well. Children are unexpected sometimes. Your not bad for thinking that way, but I just think that you need to see her and get to know her. Even though your her mother we tend to forget that they have feelings just like us. Find something that you and your daughter enjoy then let it progress and bloom from there. It won't happen over night like most things but then at least you will become friends and then mother and daughter down the road.

Grace - posted on 10/21/2013

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I think that your scared of rejection and your afraid to open your hesrt. Just know thst a child's love is unconditional and if you open your heart you will finally connect with your child. Work is just work. The most vsluable asset you have is your child.

Denise - posted on 10/21/2013

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Think about how you would feel if something happened and you lost her forever, how devastated would you be. I know that is a bit drastic but, if on a deeper level you find that, that is how you would feel then that is good, it means you do have love for your daughter. Start with that and go from there, find special things to do with her when you are together e.g go to the park, read to her anything for quality time. It's how you use the time you have that leaves the lasting impressions. May I suggest you also connect with a social worker, someone to talk to to help you with being able to connect with you daughter, remember she is half of you, you carried her for 9 months. Good luck I hope you connect with her there is nothing worse as a child when you know that one of the adults in your life does not love you or you feel that they don' t, I know from personal experience, it's heart breaking. Good Luck :-)

Amy - posted on 10/21/2013

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Look into therapy now and try a parenting class. No one blames you. This does happen. Family therapy or even a mommy and me class could help you bond. Good luck and I'll pray for you both.

Teri - posted on 10/21/2013

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This is not a very good community here - probably not the best place for guidance. I think people here are shamers and super judgemental.

I don't think it's is great - but I think it's good that you recognize it and want to do something. I would suggest finding a therapist and try working through this stuff as soon as possible.

Your daughter will be deeply affected by your absence. So do this for yourself and for her.

Best of luck to you, truly.
Teri

Ellyn - posted on 10/21/2013

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Im not so sure you should have a connection to his child. Giving her things and everything she wants is not a replacement for your time and your love. If you truly feel that you dont love her or cant connect would it not be better to terminate that relationship while she is young and go on with your life. Some people should not have children. I dont think you are a bad person I just think you were not ready for a child when you had her and if you are just going thru the motions as she gets older she will figure this out. If you want to keep up on her life. Send birthday cards and letters thru out the year. Keep a journal about yourself for her and put it away for when she is older and wants to know about you. Either that or you need to spend more time with her , get to know her and see if things change. Children need more things they need your love your attention your time they need cuddles , hugs , games , movies , . You can include photos and trinkets from where you are in this journal . I wish you luck I will pray for you .

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 10/21/2013

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Um there is a simply word here al are not seeing the young woman says very clearly SHE DID NOT WANT CHILDREN. and doe snot really see her much.

Fact she really has no time and cannot to be bothered, but wants nice strokes on her back to feel better because she feels sad and wants to feel less guilty , um sone thing reeks of selfishness there.

I note there is such a selfish generation out there, and so many who get pregnant all act like its still all about them.

The other day I was trying to have a conversation with a friend of mine, w lest just say we are not under 40 yrs old..... her daughter in Law , she was like still like not a teenager much her self , but in all ways still a child her could not stop butting our conversation so she could just talk about her self, she just happen to be parent as was complain she has to pay $ 65 for health care! wow when I said I have to pay $1600 for ours on teeth, and $350 for myself for health, and mention she should get insured to help her self and her new babies she decides to pump out, suddenly room went quiet, why> because they simply cannot afford to have babies and though physically can, are not finically ready yet, not even afford to have her children in Health care ! even with her husband working full time , and she already had one baby 10 mths old, and going to nearly pop another out, no family planning there, just no thought to allow her first lest be say 2 yrs and allow her barely new husband to save a bit..... kids having kids and just paying house just to many.

Honestly , no PC here form me, or any touchy talk please, for those who don't want or don't bother to plan , as some as this person here simply don't want them Booh hoo for you, you play you pay, if not, then then find them a good home that has time.

Columba Lisa - posted on 10/20/2013

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The first thing you want to do is stop beating yourself up. You can never generate love that way! You are deeply loved by God, and that is the foundation for the love you have for your daughter. In God's love, you are the perfect mom for her. Grace covers you where you fail, and all is well.
Don't judge your love for your daughter by your feelings. The fact that you are concerned enough to ask for help is proof enough that you love her. If bothers you that you don't feel love, because you are concerned for her, then you are a loving mom--feelings or not. Our culture puts so much emphasis on feelings towards our kids, and all it does is induce guilt.
I can relate to how you feel. I was never one of those girls who longed to be a mom. It was a huge struggle for me to adjust to motherhood. My three beautiful kids are teenagers now, and I am so glad I continued pouring myself into their lives, even though I absolutely did not feel like it much of the time. My kids know they are loved, and that's because God gave me the grace and love to serve them sacrificially. It had nothing to do with my feelings.
You will be FINE. Don't worry! Feelings are irrelevant. And the interesting thing is, when you're free from that guilt, the feelings may follow. If they do - wonderful! If not, don't worry. Just keep loving in deed, and your relationship with your daughter will be strong. (Is it possible you might have Asperger's? My son has a mild case; it's characterized by lack of feelings. It's nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. Just a thought.)
Here's a post I wrote on connecting with our kids.
http://www.susannasapron.com/2011/07/con...
Hugs,
Lisa

Dawn - posted on 10/20/2013

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Find a MOPS group in your area. They often meet in the morning when you are not working. You will get to hear guest speakers and make friends with other moms. This may give you ideas for activities to do with your daughter. Learning to feel like a mom may be as close as getting to know other moms better.

Amekia - posted on 10/20/2013

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I feel like you should pray for a better relationship with your daughter. I know it could be hard having a bond when she's in two different places for a extended time. When you're away from her call her when she's gone talk to her let her know you're there thinking about her when she's not home.when she home have reading time with her play time take her places that interest her.that bond will come it don't happen over night but that feeling you want that bond you want with your daughter will come don't give up and don't give in.god bless you!

Ashley - posted on 10/20/2013

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Do things that make you guys laugh its easy to amuse small children. when you are with her forget everything else and make it fun time. Turn everything into a game. do things you enjoy and do things she enjoys. it takes time but a bond will grow if you enjoy what your doing with her instead of it just feeling like a responsibility.
Dont listen to those miserable women making unuseful comments they are bitter and have nothing better to do with them self Shame on them!! I have a good idea of what you mean by not wanting children i felt the same way and was young but had to do it all by myself so knowing i was the only person my daughter had to count on made me completly forget how i felt and made me willing to do anything in the world for her! we have an amazing bound!! and all tho deep down i still feel like the type of person who didnt want kids im a really good mom its hard to explain but im not naturally a mother type but i turned out to be an amazing mother anything is possible if you put your mind to it never give up! there is no joy like the joy your children bring you and dont get discouraged casue they can also bring you pain its a 2 way street nothing is perfect Just dont give up and remember if you internally want a bond with your child you will have one just work at it laugh smile cook clean its all fun to children as long as you do it with a smile :) Wish you the best of luck

Khalisah - posted on 10/20/2013

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Hi there all . "look everyone on this post is here for a reason! to try and help each other. not for anyone to be judged . if this is the case well then we are all waisting our time .as time is precious use it wisely guys learn frm one another life would be a beautifull place if we all would help not abuse each other so lets get on with how to fix things. by the way im new here so guys chill...x

Holly - posted on 10/19/2013

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It sounds like you don't see her very much. From experience, it is difficult to have all the warm fuzzy feelings without the time. That DOESN'T make you bad. Also, you may have not accepted the pregnancy at that time, since you stated you did not want kids, so did not move past that into a bonding phase when she came. That DOESN'T make it too late for you two now by any means.
Try to notice what other moms do who have the relationship with their kids I can see you are looking for (from reading your post). Do what they do till you grow into the role. Take cute pics of your miss & put them where they can "cheer" you up and make you want to see her. Your hard work schedule might also make you emotionally exhausted. You are young and have the opportunity to make your life better, get the education you need to NOT have to work all the time. Have the resources you need to show her fun things in the world. I am much older than you and doing this now for my kids. You need a mother who can mentor you so you can get the skills you need. No one should be unkind to you about that. I was not a great mom to my oldest when I was your age (I adopted an older child) but have learned a TON by mothering her & my youngest kids adore me (for now LOL). Best of luck.

Janice - posted on 10/19/2013

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Make sure you take a day and spend time with her. Read to her talk to her, take her to do something, the library.

Michelle - posted on 10/19/2013

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Btw Kelly you're an immature little girl that has no clue about my life experiences. I have volunteered. With abused children so I've seen it all. So until you have something of value to say you should keep your 2 cent opinion to yourself and grow up!

Michelle - posted on 10/19/2013

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@Kelly, I don't care if you're annoyed with my point of view. I'm speaking for the children. They have no choice. Someone brought them into this world and after the fact they don't think it was a good choice. Too bad. Why should the children always have to pay the price for a parent that can't get it together. I'm living this situation with a grandson. To see the hurt, tears and lack of not understanding why gives me the right to have my opinion! It's not about the parent it's about the child it's that simple. When you become a parent your own needs and wants become secondary. It's not judgement it's about stepping up to the responsibility or step off. Don't affect the child while you try to figure it out . People with your attitude are the problem!

Kelly - posted on 10/19/2013

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@ Michelle: And yet she is reaching out trying to get help to establish it. Who are you to judge and slam her down? We all have issues in life and this young woman is reaching out, to other Mother's looking for support, answers and encouragement. Your judgemental, disparaging attitude makes it all that much harder. I am sure she has already judged herself inadequate. By adding to that, you make it harder on her which ultimately makes it harder on that child. Way to go! I applaud her efforts and her hard work and her self knowledge and courage to reach out for help. I get so pissed off when I hear your kind of knee jerk automatic judgement and negativity. Telling her she shouldn't have had children for God's sake. Who do you think you are to put that out there? Would you ever say anything so cruel and ignorant to someone's face? Try to remember when you are online that the words on the other end belong to a living breathing human being. If you can't give positive advice, just keep your vicious mouth shut! And try, please try, to find some love in that shriveled little organ you call a heart.

Nancy - posted on 10/19/2013

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I am not sure if I have the answers, but here is a start: on the days you DO have with your daughter, start a little routine: an example would be, have dinner, talk about your day, then read a book or 2 , give your daughter a bath ( make it fun for her, maybe bubbles, bath toys) and then bedtime. She will learn to love and look forward to this routine, she will enjoy getting your undivided attention, she will act loving and cuddly to you most likely, and then day after day, little by little, these moments you spend will form the bonds that create love. Try and create FUN special times, just through simple routines such as what I mentioned, and over time your bond will grow. ( hopefully)

Motorrage151 - posted on 10/19/2013

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Try calling her during the week when you are not working,hearing her voice and how excited she is will brighten your day.Also ask what she did that day,learning about what she likes will help you to feel closer.not to mention will give you tips on activities she'll enjoy when she does visit with you?It may seem hard but it will get better with time,the most important thing is not giving up.I say this because my parents divorced when I was very young and it was awkward when Mom wasn't around and for him never trying again was his easiest choice. It will be worth having your daughter in your life.

Shatia - posted on 10/18/2013

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I NEVER ONCE READ WHERE THIS YOUNG LADY SAID SHE DID NOT LIVE HER DAUGHTER !! This is exactly why people are so slow to ask for help. She is not asking to be judged, she is asking for working suggestions on how she can get her relationship with her daughter better. This young lady was married and had a child, you all are acting as if she just popped out babies with random guys. Stop judging and offer some honest suggestions.

When I was young my mom and I were disconnected but we are a lot better now. We are not best friends and I'm fine with that, she took care of me and made sure I had everything but we didn't talk much. I knew she loved me, but I also knew she didn't exactly know how to connect with me.

I just suggest that one thing you teach her is to understand that there are things that you won't understand. Also try to do things that she enjoys, but try to get someone who you enjoy to do it with you so you can both have fun. When I go out with my daughter I try to get my friend to tag along with her daughter. I am in the same boat, I don't connect with my daughter, she is only 7...she is amazing and I love her to pieces but she is so much like her father that their connection is stronger than ours. I don't feel bad, I make sure her life is good, she is involved in extracurricular and I am involved in her school as much as work allows.

It is not the end of the world to not have the perfect mother daughter relationship that many people commenting are pretending to have. Some parents may think they are doing a good job but they aren't, and some think they aren't and they are doing just fine. She's happy, I'm happy...I teach her independence and I stress that she has to find her own way and be happy with herself before others make her happy. She can't depend on me to make her happy anyways, I won't be here forever.

Michelle - posted on 10/18/2013

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It is sad. You wouldn't understand what you're missing since you don't have it according to you. The main point is Don't have children if you're not willing, able or capable of being a mother. It's not fair to the child or others that may have to step up for you. Its really that simple!!!

Lacey - posted on 10/18/2013

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I totally agree Kelly. I don't have a good relationship with my mom either. Cant change anyone else, but I do get to decide what is important to me and try to be the mom that Id like to be!
I also can recieve the love & support from the people have it & are around to give it!
And yes ... "friends are the family we choose for ourselves" ;)

Kelly - posted on 10/18/2013

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*I* don't feel terribly sad about it. There are plenty of other people who love me. Moms are not the end all and be all of all relationships.

I wish people would stop trying to force moms who are not maternal to feel guilty about it. It's not something she can change, so let her move on with her life and let the child be with someone who loves her. Stop trying to stick a square peg in a round hole.

I don't love my mom and I don't love a lot of other people either. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me for that. Children can grow up just fine without a mother's love. Moms can come in other forms, like aunts, friends, godparents etc.

Lacey - posted on 10/18/2013

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Hi,
Im checked out this post cuz I'm always looking for relationship strengthening tips.
It hurts when Im not connected with my kids. Hurts them and me. I am blessed with a sensitive strong 6 year old girl.
I've learned from her that she is happiest when I make the effort to do someyjing with her that is important to her. Drawing together is one of her favorite things.
Im trying to make it a priority to do this together on a regular basis.
We just had another baby and shes been feeling angry, left out, etc... so Ive been trying to give her extra atention. I came across a site about silly games to foster loving feelings. Basically I grab her and say " I neeeeeed your hug "- more & more, hugging her foot/ hand/ etc... while she laughs like crazy. Its working Great!!! And fun for both of us ;)
Ever read the 5 Love Languages?
Basically we need to know our kids & try to meet their needs.
Effort is the thing. Im sure its intimidating if you arent close. But try to ignore that and put effort into creating the relationship you would like.
Its an investment ;)
& you are both worth it!!!

Carla - posted on 10/18/2013

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Another thought. I have three kids who I love dearly. My middle child however and I are polar opposites personality wise. It didn't matter to me. . I made a conscious decision to find ways to connect with him. As a pre-schooler, his only interest was dinosaurs. I started looking specifically for events that involved dinosaurs, even though science was not really my thing. His favorite, which even I thought was cool, was a zoo who had an exhibit of life size dinosaurs, spread throughout their property. As he has gotten older and become a teenager we have discovered we both have a love of history and politics and despite having different personalities I am as close to him as to the other two. By embracing our differences, he has taught me so much about his quieter, slower paced introverted world. This extrovert has learned to slow down and appreciate the amazing scientific and historical marvels this world contains and the enjoyment of a good meal and an even better intellectual political debate. By accepting and embracing who he is I have changed for the better.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 10/17/2013

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Sorry guess you now know what happens when having unprotected sex just hear to much of this me me me....as honest as all feel she is, one also can share their own Honesty, Rather any Mother with Love and time, than a ungrateful one thats thinks me me me. If you cannot give her what a Mother should, then what?

You cannot have a change of heart unless you able to re- organize your life, and CHOOSE TO TOTALLY UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPT AND LOVE your own child, and if you cannot change your mind fast, what are you expecting? babies are not to be the ones with unconditional love for you? for only when you may feel to have the time to ease your own guilt? you either have it or not, and you say you don't, then do the right thing what ever to make things right.

Um, well and how long must a wee baby/girl now wait for her own Mum to Like or Love her? yes may not be all automatic, or may have a boning issue, however sounds like been long enough for this Mother to get her act together, no you may not be bad, just a bit messed up, seek proper professional counseling, in the end its simply spend time now needed for her best interests and benefit , or your lose later.

Yes this young lady is being honest, but um, can she simply find some one who "does" in fact want to have children and who does have the time. I mean its very clear in the beginning she NEVER wanted Children as she testifies first and foremost this in her blog.

Chieldran cannto wait for you to be ready to be there Mum specially when she has one "you" and you are already her Mother now, dont waste your time with excuses or woe is me or the past, live in the now and think what you MUST change.

If one has to be sooo convince to keep what they don't want, and or simply never often be there that is not at all about parenting rather neglecting, and may not like to hear this, all fails, then adopt so the wee girl does not miss out is loved and cherish by someone who does have what you cannot give it, then you may be abel to still arrange visits etc, and your girl does not miss out on been total accepted in to a proper family.

Michelle - posted on 10/17/2013

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Kelly I'm sorry you don't have a loving relationship with your mom thats terribly sad. Its better if shes not up to task to just move on and let ger daughter be with people that love her and want to be with her. I wish you the best.

Chelsea - posted on 10/17/2013

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Let me just agree with some of the previous statements and say that I think that's great that you are seeking advice and counsel. That proves that you love your daughter and care about her deeply.

I think you may be mistaken that you're not maternal because I have known a lot of woman who have stated that they are not maternal but have learned to become great parents. I definitely think that the more time you spend with your daughter, the closer you will feel to her and vice versa. I do know that from taking my ECE, children need a lot of love, affection, and support especially when they are young and they also want to know that their parents are "there" for them. When I say "there" I mean attentive, caring, but also disciplinary.
Children need to know that their parents love them enough to set healthy limits for them and they need these limits to be consistently reinforced. However, if you try to discipline a child without first having a loving, close relationship with them, they will often just end up resenting you and "your" rules. I don't think it's ever to late to change your mindset and help your relationship. You just have to make your mind up to do so and invest yourself in that relationship. Reassure your daughter that you are there for her and that you care about her. Hugs and Encouragement also go a long way. Ask her questions about herself, this opens up conversation. I.E. What do you want to do when you grow up? Why? What's your favorite Color, Season. Etc. Anything! People love to talk about themselves. Once she knows you're interested in her she'll probably open up a lot more. You will probably find you have some things in common with her too. Children don't always feel loved just because their parent's give them whatever they want and often this can also spoil a child. It's the simple things that make a big difference. I think you would be surprised if you just tell her you think she's beautiful or that you like the way she does something. I encourage you to try because I believe you can do anything if you set your mind to do it, and set a goal. They say it takes 30 days to start a new habit. Totally can be done! You could also try seeing a counselor and or asking a friend to keep you accountable and set a goal. Write your goal on a post- it note and tape it on the bathroom mirror. Like Rachael said, It's easy to change your mindset about something as long as we make up our mind to do so. Good luck and God bless!

Rachael - posted on 10/16/2013

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Firstly, get rid of the idea that it's about you. You are a mom now, learn to organize, balance and enjoy the moment. This means the guilt you feel. Learn to accept your responsibility as a parent and things will get easier for you. The more you see her, the easier it will become for you. You will teach yourself to learn how to adapt to being with a child. Get out of the mindset that this will last forever, because your moments with your child will go by in a blink and you will NEVER get them back. Being a mom is hard work, don't think it's not and you don't have to feel bad for not wanting to spend every waking hour with them. Make sure you are giving yourself some free time to be you so that you can refocus on yourself, but when you are with her, your job is to teach her about the world. It doesn't matter if you never wanted kids- you have one and it is your responsibility to show her what life is like. Give her the good start she deserves: guidance, direction, correction, love, empathy, and patience. If you get frustrated, remember that your frustrations with her are only the ideas and personal needs for yourself that you want her to format to- this is not reality. Kids can be defiant, they can openly say no and not feel bad about it. Your job is to teach her positive behaviour which includes empathy. It will not always go well every time. Sometimes you feel like she's not listening to you, but there's always another day where she will and those are the days that they grasp the concept. It's an arduous task that takes patience within yourself. You might feel like you have no connection with her because of frustration on your own parenting skills. Young adults as parents generally have very little parenting skills compared to older parents. Their patience and comprehension of direction are limited. Age can be a large factor when experience is attached to it. It's very difficult to parent well without skills taught from your parents and years of experience within yourself. If you find this may be the case, books are your best friend.
You will get the "lovey" feeling when you can drop your ideas on who she is and just be with her in each moment, helping and guiding her to success. That is reality. Stop thinking so much and just be. All those silly things you think about in your head will stop you from being unhappy. If you want to be happy and in love with your child, then ignore and reason with those ridiculous thoughts in your head about what should/should not be. Your thoughts are your own. If you control your thoughts, and your feelings come from your thoughts, then you are capable of controlling your own feelings. You control your own feelings by working on the thoughts that preceed them. Stop thinking that you don't want to be with your daughter and just be with her. You have to learn to control the nagging thoughts like, "this is no fun... i'd rather be doing something else". As soon as those thoughts come into your head, say to yourself that you do not accept them, and immediately stop thinking about that thought. Get yourself's attention in another way by picking her up and kissing her. You have to learn to control your thoughts and to condition new positive thoughts. This will allow you to enjoy your relationship with your daughter. You are responsible for how you feel. You feel what you think and you can learn to think differently about anything you decide to. Taking charge of this new thought process. It involves determination to be happy and a challenge to destroy each and every thought that creates a self-immobilizing unhappiness in you.

Read up on behavioural psychology books at your local library. They can help immensely with the unhappy thoughts in your mind.

Hope this helps.
xo
R

Natalie - posted on 10/16/2013

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I am a kid my parents. Split up and I think mabey you should take her to the park or go to a movie

Carla - posted on 10/16/2013

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I have Autism Spectrum children and I have a BIG problem with somene referring to them as having damaged brains. Different is not broken! They are some of the most amazing people in my life and I don't know what I would do without them. Did they receive a little extra help here and there throughout school? Yup you bet! And as a result of that help they are able to go into the world as fully functioning citizens, my oldest graduate college in June! And I'm guessing that what was spent on my children and other such children in school is not much more than is spent for the sports and drama programs. The problem is not with my children, the problem is with a society who thinks all children should think alike. Some of the greatest and most creative minds in the world Einstein, Jefferson, Disney, Edison, Mozart are now believed to have been autistics. Acceptance is all they need and it's what we all deserve!

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