How do I cope with my boyfriend already having a child?

Jasmin - posted on 01/11/2013

I completely understand. I am also dealing with a similar situation. The feelings are normal so don't think your crazy, or selfish. woman want to give their mate the 1st child, and have a wonderful marriage. So basically your feelings will always be there until you and your mate have a baby of your own. Not saying you should get pregnant now. For the mean time focus on you and your boyfriend. Keep the love alive and explore life before you two decide on having a family of your own. Try not to focus on the things that make you uncomfortable. Girl, it has made me go crazy and in the end it's not worth beating up yourself for something you can't control. My advice to you is to be there for you man as much as possible- as rough as this situation is for you it is for him too. Going through this rough time TOGETHER will only make you stronger.

Sarah - posted on 01/04/2013

The question is not will it ever go away because if you keep holding on the anwser will be no everytime... Try asking... can you let it go of the jelously? I am in a similar relationship with my lover of two years. He has a wonderful, bright, loving, 4 year old son. He only has this one child and for me, I have never popped out any. But that does not mean I can not love a child like my own. At first it was hard for me to believe that he would ever love me more than he loved his childs mother. But thats the wrong way of looking at if, he does love the mother... but he loves me in a different way.

We are the women that stepped up when the mother did not, so in his eyes you are stronger, more compassionate, and a better canidate for being a mother. think about it, "your helping him raise a kid that you did not create". That takes guts kid. She did not steal your chance of having the ideal family, she gave you you a chance you rise to the challenge and shine. Be better than her and he will see it. And as for the part where you think the first kid is the strongest bond... your wrong. All children are equl in the eyes of a parent wheather you gave birth or your step parent. make the child comfortable by holdin them on your lap, reading to them, giving them baths, and anything a mom would do. If you love this man give it your all it sounds to me like the men in your life need a little motherly love.

And if you two ever have a child of your own it will be special I promise... If you both love eachother like you say than the child will give you the tools you need to be a family... the one you crave sp desperatly.

Aly - posted on 12/16/2012

My boyfriend has two kids. Him and I are fairly far apart in age, and his kids, are a little over half my age. He had a very disfunctional relationship, and she cheated on him numerous times. Needless to say, they did not have a good relationship for the significant amount of time they were together. From one girl to another, this feeling does not go away in the position that youre in...You have to be on good terms with the mother (because they're her children) no matter how horrid she is. And you will always have to deal with the fact you will never have that amazing first connection with your man. Whether or not the relationship with his ex was good, they still have that extreme connection. and that is never going to feel the same for you. I am only 21. And he is 10 years older. So i know what you mean. All you really have to do is sit down with yourself and really debate with yourself whether this is worth putting your life on hold for, or whether you should move on to someone who has not already had everything you want. I am going through the same process. And it's no fun. I wish you the best of luck, and i hope that you end up making the right decsion.
xoxo

Marilyn - posted on 11/04/2012

Julie Sulke, this will hurt, but the best thing I can tell you is to GET OUT. I know too many people whose significant others stayed friends with their exes, and wound up going back to them. You might love him, but more to the point, does he completely love you? Enough to not put you in situations that make you uncomfortable?



My husband tried to make me be friends with one of his ex-loves. I tried, I really did, and it brought nothing but tension and bitterness. I've only recently gotten to a point where I don't hate her, and that's only because she lives far enough away that it's inconvenient to visit. It hurts me that he still talks to her (even though they're just friends now), and it hurts him that I can't tolerate her.



It will hurt if you pull away now, but less than the hurts of festering bitterness and surpressed anger. Those can drive a person crazy.

Molly - posted on 11/03/2012

Hi Miia,



I have going thru the same emotions so I know very well what you are going thru, except I am 36 and reaching the stage when you feel the biologic clock ticking.



I am afraid I don't have any advice to share with you as I am also trying to figure out what I should do about my relationship. I can only offer you a big hug and emotional supports as I know damn well I can use some myself.



The only thing I can say is that, you are 20, you have a lot of life in front of you. It is important that you feel comfortable with your choice and you are happy. There are a lot of sadness, frustrations, disappointment in life just as-is. It is important that you are being happy and can live with the choices you made.



Take some time off, think about it. There's no need to rush. Just know that, there are a lot of us out there, and take comfort to know during times like that, a lot of kind, gentle, loving people are giving you support.

Julie - posted on 11/01/2012

I'm in a rather similar situation and would also greatly appreciate some advice. Any really. I'm also 20 years old, my boyfriend is 24, and his son is 2. We have been a couple for 3 months at this point. His son spends most of the time with his mother, who my bf says now just feels like a sister to him and her family has really welcomed him in. I love my bf and I'm beginning to love his son. I don't bathe him or change his diapers or anything but I will watch him, feed him, and play with him sometimes. The only time I get really annoyed with him is when he gets really rowdy, but he's extremely smart and well-behaved for a kid. I've met the child's mother, though I don't really like her too much (we are VERY different though my bf really wants me to be friends with her), and even have met her family a few times. But I always end up crying and frantically try to leave. Part of me really resents that there will always be this other family in my bf's life, especially since they have other young children who are awfully obnoxious. They love my bf and my bf has always loved kids, but I generally do not and never ever have seen myself having kids. He always tells me he's proud of how well I do (considering his last gf of a year still would only refer to his son as "it") but I am not sure if I will ever be able to accept this other family and especially the idea of his son's cousins and friends. Is there anything I should work on or try particularly?

Kami - posted on 08/17/2012

Your thought is normal...but not worth having. So what if you don't give him his first child. That doesn't mean that he will Love you or the child any less. Even if the child is biologically his or not...it doesn't matter.



If he's a good man and a good father (or try to be), why are you concerned? I think the biggest issue is you self confidence. If you can get that under control, you will be able to move forward. Don't let a good thing past you because of your jealously issues. Good luck

Angad - posted on 08/17/2012

just treat your boyfriends children as your own never allow them to realize as you r not their mother,one can only win the world with love keep remember that,wish you luck

Rachelle - posted on 08/16/2012

I'm sorry but I had to deal with my husbands 2 kids. It's not my fault that they're around but I've grown to like them, but I know deep in my heart that his first born will always be his favorite. It's obvious and it shows, and it did steal of me having my ideal family because it's not fair for me. Sometimes I feel that I deserved better to have my own family and I shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place because he already had kids. I wasn't ready for it and I never got over it. That's the way it is.

Faith - posted on 08/16/2012

My child's father is half black, and my baby is white, light-colored hair, and has blue eyes. It's just draw of the cards. I am white with dark hair and dark eyes. We were both a little surprised (and still are). Has he ever taken a paternity test?

Kristin - posted on 08/16/2012

My husband hast kids from a previous marriage. when we first started dating, I was nervous about meeting them but everything themed out cine. we have a son together now Sewell.
If you say you want to marry this man, you have to get over your jealousy fast. you have to accept that you are not going to give him his first child. having a child together is a bond sheathed its a first or forth child. have no worries about that

Emma - posted on 08/16/2012

We all have no power over what our partners did or did not do in the past.
All I know is that you are his present and future and that you shouldn't allow his past to hamper what the two of you ae busy building. If he says the child is his, he loves the child although the mother doesn't allow him access to the child.
When we love someone, we love them with their children. You both are young but non the less, him having a child should not be an issue, should you love him like you say you do.
Love the man, love his child and leave the rest to God, who is capable of doing the impossible.

Linda - posted on 08/14/2012

Personally, If I was as young as you, I would never marry a man who has kids from a different woman. There will always be issues. If you have no kids, you should also look for a man that doesn't have kids. If you were an older woman with kids from a previous marriage or relationship than the situation would be different.

Julie - posted on 08/10/2012

First, you are 20...love you for that. But with youth comes insecurities and you are feeling them all over the place in this relationship.
What will happen is you will end up sabotaging what could be potentially amazing with all your assumptions about this guy and his past.
Life is JUST BEGINNING for you. Being madly in love is amazing. But you are reading WAY to far into this relationship.
Your jealous feelings are real, and there for validated. But they are again, signs of insecurities. Either in yourself or with in the relationship. Regardless, you can not blame "her" or anyone else for the choices you make in life.
If this guy and his history is not "ideal' to you, then you should not settle, and move on. IF anything I said doesn't stick, remember this: The 20's are for finding YOURSELF, once you have done that, the ideal guy will show up no questions asked.

Crystal - posted on 08/10/2012

Omg

Amy - posted on 08/07/2012

I think it is really great that you are expressing how you feel and asking for advice. Good for you. If a man really loves a woman, and he has a baby with her, he will love that baby just as much as he loves the first and because it is his first baby with you. No one has stolen anything from you. It is only the feeling of jealousy that you are having that is stealing from you.

Secondly, most importantly, if this dad is a really good dad, one of the first things he would want to know is if you are going to love his child as much as you would love your own that you would have with him. If you can't, then he should cut any relationship off with you as it is unfair to his child. His child's heart is his number one priority and he has a responsiblity to only introduce someone who has an ability to love that child like his own. If you are unable to do this, it would be best to cut off the relationship before the child's heart is broken!!!

My dad had 2 children with a woman who ran off with another man. Then he married my mom and had 4 more kids of which I was one. My mom had his first 2 kids do tons of work in the house while she didn't teach her kids to help out at all. My dad's first two kids couldn't wait to leave our house. I found all this out a long while after. My brother and sister have always felt like my mom treated them different and she did! Birthdays, Schooling (we were private schooled). I love my mom dearly, and she is the sweetest woman on the planet, and not until the recent years did she even see that she had treated my dad's kids that he had with another woman differently. I think she did apologize but the damage was done to my dad's first two kids hearts. Please, please, please - make sure that if you are in love with this guy, that you accept and love his child like your own and any future kids that you would have with him. No one has stolen ANYTHING from you! Don't be jealous! Instead, they have given you an opportunity and a GIFT - a child that you can love as your own and make sure grows up to feel loved and valued - there is nothing greater on the face of this earth than a person who can do that! God bless!!

PS - Your young - it is okay to say that you are not ready for kids (I don't think I was at 20!) but if that is the case then you should part ways with this guy. It is the only respectful thing to do!

Roxanna - posted on 07/21/2012

THere is much I could say, but I think you read enough. I have always been an advocate about not dating men who have children from previous relationships. Hard to do nowadays. I had my first child at 24, divorced by 28. I got engaged to an older man, at 29, with a son only SEVEN years younger than me. I figured, okay, grown child, there should be no drama.....except for the psychotic ex wife who went through FOUR husbands in TEN years! THis woman made our lives a living hell and to add insult to injury, she was on very good terms with HIS mother and she hated me. Six months before our wedding date, she escalated her attacks by showing up at our house when my fiancee was not home. Becasue we lived in a duplex that was owned by his parents, she found her way into our home and tried to assault me in front of my 5 year old daughter. Suffice to say it did not end well. Police was called in, my fiance had to come home from work and then MY Dad showed up! My fiancee, through the pressure of his parents and his ex, tried to pressure me into NOT pressing charges. Sadly, I just looked at him and said: I will not make you choose, I will make the decision for you. My dad helped me load my things after my cousins showed up to help. When his ex had to go to jail, his SON began to threaten me! Believe me when I say I left town so quickly that only few members of my family even knew where I lived for three years! That is a worst case scenario.
Here is a good one. After having a surprise child with someone I didn't want to have a relationship, I was on my own with two kids. I met Chris through some friends, not a set up, we just happenned to have mutual friends. I showed up at the BBQ with my kids in tow and my youngest made a bee line to him and would not leave him alone for nothing! I think he fell in love with my girls before he fell in love with me. Seven years later, the girls call HIM "Daddy". He has worked on occassion two jobs to pay the bills so I don't have to use the girls Child support to pay our expenses. We have no children together and hope someday to be able to give him a child....but you know what he says? You HAVE given me two beautiful girls...what more could I ask for....
Think about that....having a child, whether yours biologically or through marriage is a blessing. My girls have TWO Daddys, and they are happier for it.....If you stay with the BF, encourage him to have the child in your lives...even YOU might benefit from it!

Lisa - posted on 07/21/2012

Ideal family - hahahaha!!! No such thing as the "ideal family" my dear. You live in the real world, not Fantsyland.

Pamela - posted on 07/13/2012

Lovingly suggest that he get a paternity test to make sure the child is his. You may also want to share with him your desire to be the mother of his first child. Though I do not consider it important that you give him his first child, I accept that you do and therefore I suggested the paternity test.



If there is conflict between him and his ex, it is best for you to stay out of it. After all that is HIS relationship and not yours. Further more, if there is already existing emotional trauma there why mix it up with more?



As far as your own jealous feeling, recognize that the emotion of jealousy is based in FEAR. Then ask yourself what you are afraid of. If you can honestly say you are afraid that he may still have feelings for his ex or that she might be masking her feelings of jealousy with hate, then you can begin to work on releasing the jealousy.



It is a circumstance of society's making that women have mixed feelings and feelings of jealousy when it comes to the past loves of their current love. I have never understood why that has been the case, other than INSECURITY. If you are feeling insecure about his love, sit down and express these feelings to him to let him know. To allow them to "brew" under the surface is dangerous and they could erupt and cause unpleasant feelings and energies in the future.



PLEASE be advised that your feelings of "ideal" family may be an incorrect manner in which to approach a relationship. The only thing "ideal" about a relationship is to base your thoughts, words and deeds in love as much as you possibly can. On those days when you find it difficult or even impossible to do....DO THE BEST YOU CAN!!!



I would also suggest your listening to the following seminars which are about relationships as they may offer you some insight that will help you to see things in a more mature manner.

Please check out the offerings at: http://www.selfworthsummit.com ; http://www.maifesteverythingnow.com and http://evolvingwisdom.com/attractyoursou...

These are all powerful teachings to help us understand how to get the highest and best out of our relationship with ourselves and others! ENJOY them! The highest and best to you.

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

Btw, I think the advice of M. Denny and Kristi C. and others who have been thru similar situation to be the closer advice to consider. After all, they have been thru it. I do have a suggestion about talking to your bf abt your feelings in all this. Be sure not to give him the impression that you think the child is not his. Instead allow him to bring it up and then discuss it with him. I believe you should not hide anything from the one you love, but you also dont want to insinuate anything. You may comment that the child must look just like his mom and if your bf has any doubts that the child is his he will bring it up. Otherwise leave it alone. Again, good luck!

Kristi - posted on 07/12/2012

Hi Miia. I'm a bio-mom and twice a stepmom and the mom that got shut out of her child's life by a vengeful ex-boyfriend and his new wife, who wanted the ideal family. Long story, no real relevance, except that I've been through a shit ton of stuff. I think you are doing a good thing by looking for advice and support, that says "mature" to me. Yes, you still have some growing up to do...who didn't at 20?! The fact that you want to get an education and a job before you start a family also says a lot. I'm not sure where you're from but in the US little girls (14-15 -16) are having babies like the Earth has a population shortage. (not judging, my daughter's older sister had 2 kids in her teens. She loves them both, more than life. And she's doing great under the circumstances) Many of them drop out of HS and end up single moms without much/if any help from their child's father. I didn't finish college because I "LOVED" my boyfriend and I moved away from my family, my friends and my only real chance at a good education. You can only guess at the stories I have by my opening line! lol But this is where I ended up...41, a son whom I haven't seen in 8 years, 3 ex-step children (I love and still have good relationships with all of them) and my daughter, who is my world, no husband, CoM is my social life, no marketable job skills, no savings account, no "extras," and we are "house sitting" for my parents until my dad retires and they move back here. (side note: I'm not as miserable as I sound. Those are just the facts) I am the poster child for making bad decisions. (which is why I spend so much time on here, trying to help people avoid the same mistakes I've made ; ))

You can get your education and STILL have a successful relationship with your boyfriend and his child, if you and he so choose. You do not have to give up one or the other unless you decide that is what you want. It is okay to take care of your priorities (school, job, maturity) now, that way you can give your children all they deserve. And, heaven forbid, you do end up a single mom, you'll be able to provide for yourself and your child. You are being responsible and conscientious. Just because you are unsure about being a step-parent and having a few mildly, irrational thoughts ; ) does not make you a bad person. However, I don't think hoping that your boyfriend's son is not biologically his is a tad inappropriate. His son is an innocent by-stander in this. When/if the three of you spend time together try to keep that in mind. Since I don't know the situation, I can't tell you what to expect but if the ex is being nasty, you might may need some extra patience and a thick skin. Blood does not make a parent, trust me. So if your man has been this boy's father for 5 years, biology might not make a difference. Either way, he didn't ask for any of this but he's stuck right in the middle of it. (Assuming you three do get together, do not ever say a negative thing about his mother, not even as a joke with your husband when his son is there)

The jealous feeling should relent as you become more secure in your relationship and when you realize that you don't want to give him what she did. You want to create your OWN life with him. Your own nicknames, your own favorite restaurant, your own place to live and most importantly, your own family (whether it be with him and his son or the three of you and a nest full of babies) and your own memories. There is no such thing as an ideal family, but I completely understand that desire. I've been searching for it for 20 years. But I've come to realize that the ideal family is different for everyone and it changes throughout your life, new jobs, step child, new child, etc.

Like you said, you're only 20...there is no rush. In my humble opinion, you should talk this through with your boyfriend (as others have said), you don't even know what is going to happen with his son yet, if you love him as much as you say you do, you'll be able to take on the stepmom role as it comes. None of us, I don't care what they admit to, had any idea what we were doing when we had our first baby or our second sometimes. No matter your "experience," you won't have a clue about being a stepmom because every child is different. Love, acceptance and patience, give a child that and you're off to a good start. Stay on track at school, that is the most important thing you can do for yourself and the future/present family you will have. OH, breathing is helpful! lol Keep thinking, don't let your emotions get the best of you. Wait to do anything until you are confident about your decision. You don't have to be confident about whether or not you'll be able to do everything right, just confident that you're doing the right thing. You'll be ok. Good luck to you!

Marilyn - posted on 07/12/2012

What everyone else said! And here is my own personal perspective:

I am married to a man 7 1/2 years older than myself. When he was 19 and stupid, he slept with a girl he'd just met, got her pregnant, and married her 2 months after meeting her to "do the right thing." She cheated on him with countless other guys during their 4-year marriage. She abandoned the kids more than once, was investigated multiple times for abuse and neglect, stayed out all night partying MULTIPLE nights a week, and--throughout all of this--somehow managed to keep custody of the children from marriages 1, 2, and 3. Part of this is that her parents are filthy rich & can afford really good legal services, and Matt didn't have those resources.

My stepsons were 8 & 10 when I first met them; we'd been dating almost a year. The reason it took so long is that his ex only marries military guys, and they moved around the country a lot. I was barely 23. It felt VERY odd to contemplate being the stepmom of kids only 13 and 15 years younger than myself. Not knowing as much about their mom as I do now, I was comforted by the thought that they were living with her, since I would have time to practice stepping into the role of a stepmom.

With the ex having cheated as much as she did, of course Matt and I have discussed the possibility of one of the kids not being his. What we both decided was: if they aren't his, we don't care and we don't want to know. If for some reason they're ever tested and we're told one of them isn't biologically his, we're not going to tell the kids, because they don't need that burden. What's important is that they BELONG. Matt is the one who has always been Dad to them; he's the one who knows and loves and accepts them; he's the one they look to for help and advice, and he's always going to put his kids first, no matter what. Testing the kids to see if one of them might have been spawned by another man would only make them feel uncertain and unwanted. It's the CHILDREN who are important, not the ex. (Although she will always be in our lives as well, since we would never tell the kids they couldn't see their mom, unless she was physically harming them.)

We filed for custody last year, with legal help from Matt's work, and won--only because the ex had just ended marriage #3. Even though I'd gotten on well with the kids before that time (we'd been married 3 years; 4 now), the first few months were hell. They'd gone through so much crap with their mom that they didn't know how to behave, whom to trust, or even how to manage civilized meals and conversations. I thought more than once about leaving, and continually had to remind myself that they didn't need yet another person walking out of their lives. We stuck it out, and now they're adjusted and doing well.

My point of all this is: It isn't easy. It is TOUGH being a step-parent. But if you get involved with someone who has kids, you have to understand that their children are a part of them. They're not inconveniences that hopefully you can shuffle off to someone else with a paternity test. They are living, breathing children who need stability desperately, need a father to love them, and need to be accepted and loved by anyone their father gets involved with.

If you are up to the challenge, go for it! But don't hang on to the "hope" of his child not being his. That's awful! If he's stuck around for 5 years being this kid's dad (and with blond hair & blue eyes I'm sure he's had his own doubts), kudos to him! He's being the kind of dad he should be--PRESENT. Parenting is by choice, not by genetics.

You described him as "perfect". Bear in mind that "perfect" means there's nothing about him that should be changed. That includes BEING A DAD and HAVING A PAST. If he hadn't had a terrible relationship with the first one, he might have found someone wonderful long before you and you might never have met him. With a 7 1/2 year age difference between my husband and myself, I'm sure that if he hadn't been trapped in a horrible marriage for 4 years (and consequently been very jaded for years afterward), he probably would have found a wonderful woman and married her, and I wouldn't have him now. If he is truly perfect for you, you have to accept that his choices throughout life led him to where he is now: with you. Deleting his ex from his previous years would possibly delete you from his life as well.

People aren't always "ready" to be parents. What's important is that they step up to the plate and do it anyway, FOR THE CHILDREN, instead of indulging in their own selfish wants and desires. As for not giving him all that the ex did--what did she give him but misery, heartache, and lies? I would hope you're not giving him that! His child is a blessing out of all of that. Don't try to take away the happiness of having a child, when that might be the only happy thing out of those years.

Most importantly: Talk it over with your boyfriend. Let him know your fears. You might not feel adequate, but no parent ever gets a training manual specific to their child. You have to learn it on the go. If your dreams and ambitions and plans for your life are more important than a child's relationship to his father, walk away now and find someone who will share your dreams, before this man gets even more attached to you. You owe him that.

Stephanie - posted on 07/11/2012

Ok... Heres my 2 cent... 1. Either you are a mom or you are not. You are not. 2. You see a future with him and it seems you have both discussed on this topic. That makes me believe there is some degree of seriousness. Thats good. 3. I am getting the impression that you are not bothered by the fact that he already has a child, but more concerned with who gave him the first child. In a way I understand how you feel. My husband was with his ex for close to 10 yrs. She was pregnant with his child at the age of 15/16. She aborted the child before telling him. He has always dreamed of having a daughter. She was going to have a girl. He was devastated! When I heard about this my initial reaction was, "she almost gave him his first child." I admit I felt a tinge of jealousy. Technically he conceived his first child yrs ago. So I felt he had created another being with this other woman, which means they had this bond. We talked about how we felt about marriage and children. Then one day I found out I was pregnant with his "first son". The truth is when I heard his reaction over the phone all those previous feelings didnt matter no more. The way he treated me throughout my pregnancy confirmed that he was going to love this child. So to answer that question, that particuliar jealousy will change. I was thinking, she could have given him that first child but I am giving him his first SON. I felt good. I was very happy. 4. I am sensing from your statement that you somewhat have doubts in having your own child(ren). There could be different reasons for that. But please be assured that when the time comes for you to bear a child any doubt you might have will also change. You are still young so that kind of responsibility can be a bit overwhelming especially when you are still working on your education. I guess you can say you are mature enough to know what your priorities are at the moment. Now back to the topic. I never wanted children for a very good reason. I have a long family medical history on both sides of my parents. I never wanted to put my child through those illnesses. I was too afraid to bring a child to this world knowing that he/she had a high risk of "inheriting" those illnesses. Now my son is 3 going on 4 and hes as healthy as a toddler his age in daycare can be. If you have ever worked with kids you will understand what I mean. 5. In regards to comments about you not meeting the son I will say this... No single parent should introduce a significant other until he/she is certain that this significant other will continue to be a part of the childs life. Instability in the parent's relationships can hurt a child and the parent. It is possible that he feels this way. So dont read too much into that until you have all the answers to his relationship with his son. 6. In regards to the ex not allowing him to see the child you didnt go into details there. But I can say that if he hasnt been seeing the child then the child is not part of his life now. There are questions you need to ask him about his relationship with the child before jumping to conclusion. If you find that he is not actively trying to see his child then you might want to rethink about having children with him. I say that bc a good father will not let anything stop him from seeing his child. 7. I dont understand the useless part. Why would you feel "useless"? When you have a child with him the child will be a part of you and him. Theres a chance you might not even worry about him too much once you meet your child. LOL. You will see what I mean. You are wrong when you say the first child has the strongest bond. The bonding has nothing to do with the childs rank but more from how the parent interacts with the child. Heres an example, when I had my son I returned to work in less than 2 months due to financial hardship. Those first few months after I returned to work was the most horrible moments of my life. Since my husband, my mom and my sister were the ones who cared for him most of the time my son would not relax when I held him. I couldnt do what other moms could do, hold my child and make him feel warm and safe. He kept crying. We didnt have our bonding. It was devastating! Then I had my chance to bond with him and now hes a mommas boy! LOL. So you see, bonding has nothing to do with the rank, its how you bond with the child. So dont even stress that. If hes a good father he will be able to bond with the child no matter what. 8. I agree with some of the other parents. Dont worry whether the child is his or not. Let him deal with that. Thats his problem. Just make sure that whatever involvement he has with the child or not you must be prepared to go through it with him. Loving someone is not just giving love but accepting the person and his life. Like the fact that even though my husband is "perfect" for me I have to accept the fact that he will always leave his socks exactly where he took them off, in front if the couch! LOL! And a side note on that. My husband is Black and I am Chinese. I have been told my son looks Spanish, Indian and White. Hes even been called a girl "all his life". His first day here he was a carbon copy of me and now he is starting to look more like his dad. His dad has dark skin and I am fair. My son is tan but on the lite side. So dont judge a child by his/her looks. One parent can be more dominant than the other. Its especially hard to tell with interracial children. 9. You are not a terrible person. You are just honest with yourself. Sometimes people cannot tell the difference. Most people think honesty is a form of rudeness. 10. Your ideal family is very fairytale like. I cannot tell you that you will never see that. You maybe lucky enough to have one but you may not. Just keep in mind that if there is any doubt in anything it usually means something is not right. Listen to your instincts. And lastly, I have read through everyones post and comments. And even though I agreed with many of them I have the following to say. If you are going to post in a public forum for advice then it is to be expected that there will be negative and positive feedbacks. I dont think anyone (well maybe one or two people were a bit strong in their beliefs) was trying to abuse you. They are just trying to be honest and straight forward. Make sure to read through each post and try to understand what these parents are trying to tell you. They all have some truth in it. Even the "abusive" comments. LOL. BTW, I know my situation is very different. My husband did not actually "have" his first child. But I wanted to at least give you my point of view in this. Good luck with college and your relationship. I hope you will be able to make an honest decision. :-)

Mel - posted on 07/10/2012

Wow! Seriously?? You're going to judge the way a child looks as to who their bio parents are?? If that's the case, you'd swear my older 2 boys were not mine!! They look exactly like their father! I agree with the other posters who are saying you are no where close to being mature enough to enter into this relationship seriously! It is a HUGE responsibility to be a step-parent! I had 3 children from my first husband and now have 3 with my second husband. My second (current) husband loves my older 3 as if they were his own! Your boyfriend's ex didn't take anything from you! But, if you continue the way you are, you will be taking something from your boyfriend! You'll be putting doubt in his mind about his own child! You'll harbor negative feelings toward his child and be the "evil stepmother" because you can't get past your own selfish ideas. Is that fair to your boyfriend or his child?? NO!! So, yeah, I agree...you should walk away now before anyone gets hurt! Especially the child!! Go finish school and grow up!! You need to learn what life is really about!!

Angela - posted on 07/10/2012

Debra she is posting on a parental site because it is a parenting query, she wouldn't get the advice she needs anywhere else. and for all those saying she needs to mature before commiting to a relationship or motherhood, then i guess you should read her post again, she clearly states that she doesn't want to marry or have children until she is in a better position...come on people, this is one of the most mature statements i have ever read!! stop judging, start helping!!

Angela - posted on 07/10/2012

i haven't read any of the other moms comments yet, but i'm guessing they will most likely tell you what i'm about to...it doesn't matter if it is your 1st or 51st child you will have that special bond with him/her, because a parent and childs love is unconditional. if you have a family with your perfect man, you will give him that relationship that you think he has with his 1st child, but it will be better because he will have that perfect relationship with you to go with it...the perfect family doesn't really exsist but you will give him the next best thing honey.

as for he may not be his, if he has loved that boy for one day, then in his heart he will always be his. it isn't called unconditional for no reason honey. my kids don't look like me but they are mine, and always will be.

adopted families if you think about it have that bond, not because they have to, but because it is in every humans nature to love people regardless of who they are or where they come from, and i'm betting if you gave his son a chance (i don't believe that you have been given the chance but if you do get the chance....take it honey) you would love him too.

remember the 5 year old is innocent, he has done nothing to anyone and should be treat as such. xx

Shawnn - posted on 07/10/2012

Hey, everybody who's bashing on Miia, BACK OFF.



This lady has very valid concerns. She has very logical concerns. Never does she say that she doesn't want to be a parent, she's just asking how to handle the feeling that she isn't the first.



She's not jealous, she's feeling a little down because it's important for her to give her man his first child. Well, that was important to me, as well, and since I couldn't have the "first child", then I was happy with "first son". But I'd have been just as happy with MY first daughter with him, and HIS first child with me.



Quit bashing Miia. If you can't give constructive help, then don't, but don't bash her, tell her she needs to "grow up", or anything else. Unless YOU have been in the exact situation that she is (I have, and am not ashamed to say so), then you won't fully understand.



Miia, PM me if you need to. I'm happy to offer any advice, coping mechanisms, and just a shoulder. Ignore those who are bashing you. They have NO idea what's going on in your head, your life, or your relationship.

Shawnn - posted on 07/10/2012

Ok, calm down. I'm going to give you the exact same story, in reverse.

24 years ago, I met my husband. I knew he was divorced, and had a kid that he (like yours) was unable to be in contact with due to the ex being a bitch. I also knew that I couldn't give him that "first child" either.

BUT!!! Here's the kicker. You can't give him his FIRST child, but you CAN have YOUR first child together with him, which also makes it HIS FIRST child with you.

My advice on the kid situation is this: If he even suspects the child is not his, he needs to request proof of paternity through an attorney BEFORE the child turns 7. In the US, there is a 7 year statute of limitations on paternity claims, and after 7 years, the child is presumed to be of the parents stated on the birth certificate, and he's stuck.

We paid support for a child that we were never allowed to be in contact with, but we have 2 wonderful sons of our own. We are still together, and happily still in love after 23 years of marriage this year. Our eldest has graduated, and expresses a desire to find his half sister. I gave him full permission, and tools, and warned him that the woman that was her mother is a bitch (this woman called me to try to get me to leave my husband so that she could tell him that she'd made a mistake and wanted him back...what she really wanted was him to support her until she found another guy), and that if he felt he could deal with her, go for it.

So, my advice is this: TALK to your guy! Find out what his goals are, his desires, and his dreams. If they're the same as yours, then go ahead.

You're not necessarily going to have to be a step "Parent", if she is playing the bitch with visitation. But, if paternity is proven, then by all means, encourage him to fight for visitation as well.

Yes, the feeling goes away. Mine did, because my husband and I had 2 boys (his ex only has girls). And, yes, I did feel that pride that I GAVE HIM A BOY. It's old fashioned, as far as the sentiment goes, but yes, it's there.

So, no, you can't give him his "first" child. But, you CAN give him his first with you, and possibly his first daughter...

Good luck from someone who's been there, and is still there, and loving every minute of it!

Mystique - posted on 07/10/2012

I agree that some of the responses have been over the top. Let's not act as if we were never 19-20 yrs old before. Never had a man you could see yourself spending your life with. Never been disappointed when the circumstances aren't what we had hoped they would be. Give this young woman a break.

Kelli - posted on 07/10/2012

Wow. I can't believe how nasty some of these posts are. The OP said up front she was after some advice and support. She never said anything about feeling animosity towards the little boy. She's sad that she has 'missed out' on sharing the experience of being first-time parent with her boyfriend. And yes, she's jealous of the ex. I think you would have to be incredibly self-assured not to feel a little threatened by that previous relationship given it was serious enough to produce a child. It would be incredibly naive to think that this little boy's existance won't have an impact on her. That if she loves her partner enough, it shouldn't matter. She would be gaining a stepson as well as his possibly-vindictive mother. And she doesn't really know what that entails. She's not even a mother herself yet! I'm not sure how long she's been with her boyfriend but I think the big question is is why hasn't she met his son? Perhaps it isn't that 'serious' yet (they are making plans for the future though...), or he doesn't feel strongly enough for her, or it is simply that his ex is not allowing him access to the child. I would certainly be wanting to know what the ex's problem is. Why is she making access difficult? Is it just pettiness or is there some other reason that he hasn't told the OP about? Good luck Miia.

Shawn - posted on 07/10/2012

Just know for a fact...this is a blended family. If you're not prepared for drama, just stay friends. Don't tie the knot. Unless you're sure you can handle the future stress. Baby-mama-drama. Child's-needs-as-they-grow-drama. Jealousy-drama. It sounds like you're young and intelligent enough to seek advice from experienced people. Take heed to the advice. Don't let it go in one ear and out the other. Life is complicated enough without adding uncessary STUFF!

Lynn - posted on 07/10/2012

There have been a lot of comments on here about accepting this child as your boyfriend's, even though you said he's not able to see him. What does your boyfriend say about whether he thinks he's the child's father? If he truly feels that he may not be, then he owes it to himself to FIND OUT FOR SURE! At a child safety event a couple of years ago, I got a DNA test kit for both of my kids, in case anything ever happens to them, and I need a DNA sample. You just wipe the swab in their mouth, and in the father's mouth, if you're using it as a paternity test, and mail it in. I'm sure you can find it online, and the test is around $150 (I believe). It's called "DNA Life Print." Once you find out for sure if your boyfriend really is this child's father, then you can work on how to deal with that. Your boyfriend needs to know for sure, and never pay child suport for a child that isn't his.

My DH had two kids when we met, so I know how you feel, and I've been there. We paid huge amounts of child support for his two kids for over 15 years, until after his daughter turned 19. Dealing with their mother was a nightmare at times, and my DH's son is a total druggie loser, and I went through a lot of anger over the years about how much pain they caused our family, and the drain on our finances. My DH and I have two kids (ten and eight), and the child support has finally stopped. We are no longer supporting his ex, though she still calls asking for money, and his kids are 20 and 24 now.

My advice is to find out once and for all if your boyfriend is the father. Then, you need to think really long and hard if you want to deal with the ex, the son, and 13 more years of child support, visitation, and possible court appearances. If you decide to have children with him, your family finances may be impacted by the support he has to pay, and some of those visits may cause stress in your relationship. I know it has in mine.

I'm just trying to point out a different side of it than so many of the PP's have. It's not just about you dealing with the little boy, and accepting him. It's just not that simple. First, you need to weigh if you still want to continue a relationship with your boyfriend if you feel so strongly about this. You need to think about whether your relationship is worth what comes along with him. IF you decide that your boyfriend is worth it, and the child really is his, THEN, you have to learn to live with the consequences of your decision. If you decide you do want to marry him, then you'll have to have some sort of relationship with the child and the ex. It may be hard, and many long years, but the child support does end, and then you don't have to deal with the ex anymore. Now, I have my two kids, and my DH's ex and kids live in another state, so we never have to see them or give them money anymore, unless we choose to.

Christy - posted on 07/10/2012

I have been reading the responses and I guess you have gotten a lot of abuse. But the fact is, you are on a parenting site and we all look at this with the needs of the child first. In my opinion, the child should always come first, but of course on this site with mothers who put themselves in the shoes of the parent (father or mother) who knows how incredibly much they love their children. That is what I like about this site. To me, society has really neglected children and families and I am really grateful for all of these moms. I am sorry if these comments have hurt your feelings, but really, it is good advice. Try to take it to heart and really think about your actions. A child is a real person. You will understand when you are older and more mature. And whenever you have children of your own. It is a huge responsibility that so many people take too lightly. God bless you.

Allanna - posted on 07/10/2012

I think you have alot of growing up to do yourself. First off: regardless if the child looks like him or not doesn't determine if it's biologically his, and even if it isn't, doesn't mean he isn't a father to the child. I have a 5 year old son who's biological dad hasn't seen him since infancy, but my fiance has raised him, and loves him as his own.

Second: as others have said, EVERY parent loves ALL of their children the same. They share a special bond with all of them, not just the first. If you're not willing to accept the fact that this man had a life before you that involved a relationship with a child, than you should probably move on and find somebody who doesn't have one. If you have such strong issues with a situation like this, chances are you'll never get over it. This woman didn't steal anything from you; it was her life before it was yours, and unfortunately things didn't work out for whatever reason, and you need to accept the fact the even though he may not see the child now, maybe 2 years down the road this woman will want to re-build a bond between him and his child, and you'll have to grow up and step aside or work with them to do so.

Francine - posted on 07/10/2012

To me you sound like a little child that did not get her way. You need to do a lot more growing up in order to feel secure in your own skin. There's no reason to feel so jealous of your boyfriend because you were not the one to give him his first child, you guys met and some history on both your parts came with the relationship and his is having a child with someone else. If you can't get over this fact then maybe it's time to move on because you will always carry resentment toward his child and that's not fair to anyone.

Misty - posted on 07/10/2012

VERY true I know the only succsful step I had, made it a point not to open any wounds, my bio were more then able. They gave me comfort and love even when I was a 1 witch whiney bawling.
Also my sister-in-law has two Bi-racial children and you would swear they were white as white bread. Dad probally had a test, nothing you can do about anyway if he is on the child Birth Certificate no state that I know will allow a do over so if he is paying child support he still will have to.
Also every child is a gift from YOUR Higher Power to you as a mom to him as a father God will never give exat copy! Blessed Be, take a breath don't rush it. Encourage him to seek leagle action the child needs a male role model, he should been granted time already!!

God Speed,Good Luck, Have a blessed life...

Louise - posted on 07/10/2012

I think you have had some really nasty comments here! For that I am sorry for you, you asked advice and got a torrid of abuse.

As I said at the beginning if this relationship is going to move on then you need to accept his previous relationships and his child before taking the next step. That is going to take time. Get to know his son, as he is very much a part of the man your going to marry.

Jessy - posted on 07/10/2012

Well put mandi, that exactly what I was going to put. Everyone is bashing her, but she young & not a mother so her feeling are perfectly normal for her stage in life. But yes she needs to rescept the child & her bf's realationship with his son bio or not. Nothing was stolen from her & what she's worried about is simply because she's not a mom yet. Ever baby matters no matter the birth order.

Sherrie - posted on 07/09/2012

She stole your chance???? You need to mature a tad bit before considering children. A maybe consider your relationship entering into marriage first. Your relationship shouldn't be based off what you can give him or that special first bond. A parent and child relationship SHOULD come naturally regardless of its the 1st child or the 5th child. Your concern should not be what this woman stole from you (she didn't steal anything by the way HE had sex with HER too) but what you can do to help your mate heal from this situation because he obviously loves the child and WON'T move forward with you talking like this about a child he cares dearly for.

Rebecca - posted on 07/09/2012

I have a son who is 6 and my boyfriend has a daughter about to be 15 and a 13 yr old son and we all live together.Neither of our children's other parent is in their lives,we both love and treat all of our children as if they belong to kust the two of us. We both love all of them the same.If you truly love and care about this man the fact that he already has a child with someone else shouldn't matter.

Debra - posted on 07/09/2012

First off your not a mom so why you asking for advice on a parenting site? 2nd all children are special not just the first a person has. Never put down a child another is daddy for regardless if you think they look the same genetics can roll funny dice. You knew he had a child when you got with him either deal with it or walk. I have been with my husband 15 years and had my oldest when we met and her has always treated her as his. If you love him you love his kid its a package deal. If he's a good father his kid will come first cause he will want somene who will care for him and love his child

Blossom - posted on 07/09/2012

"How do I cope with my boyfriend already having a child?" You treat him the same way you would want him to treat you, if you had a child or some other issue in your life, that might make him uncomfortable. However, I don't hink the real issue is you coping with his child, the real issue is you being mature and secure enough to handle all of the "luggage" that comes with relationships. What happened between your boyfriend and his childs mother is none of your business. Stay out of it and don't talk about it. You know his half of the story not hers. You should be more concerned with how your boyfriend handles his child...Even if the mother stops him from seeing the child, how hard does he work to stand up for his rights as the father??? And even if she gives him grief about seeing the child what does he do about it other than complain to you? I don't believe he has a child and you don't know the age ("his sons about 5 I think (I never met him) " because you've never met the kid...Have you and your boyfriend ever talked about the child??? Or do you just talk about the childs mother??? If this guy is really a good guy ask him what he plans to do about seeing his son, then watch his actions to see if they line up! IF you can't get yourself together leave him alone...at least for the sake of the child, he does not need another selfish adult in his life.

Erica - posted on 07/09/2012

Hon I have six kids, all mine, and I can say without a doubt that I do not love one more than another. The only one who holds special ranking is all of them. I know it doesn't make sense, but when you have two or three you will see.

Whether that child is his biologically or not doesn't matter, he accepts the child as his and this is what matters. A Mommy or Daddy is a lot more than a sperm donor, it's the person who cuddles the child when they're sick, tired, hurt, or scared. They are the one who gives up everything to make sure the child has something. They're the one who cries when the child's heart is broken by a friend.

If you can't get past him having a child with someone else, move on. If you aren't willing to step up and help him take care of his child, then do everyone a favor and move on. Because he can be the most perfect man in the world, but if you don't want his kid in your life even part time then you don't want him. And you run the risk of hurting the child in the long run, and your boyfriends relationship with his child (the mom may finally come around to visitations, but then pull them or give him a hard time because you disappear).

You can't be jealous of a child, they've done nothing wrong. So this woman gave him his first child, when the time is right you can give him his second and a baby brother/sister to your step-child. Perspective my dear.

Christy - posted on 07/09/2012

I am much older than you are, so I feel like I can speak from experience of age, which I guess is what you are looking for. I have been married for almost 20 years and we have 2 children, an 18 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. There are so many issues that you have brought up. First, you feel like his ex "stole" something from you. She hasn't done anything to you, you don't even know her. My husband and I were separated for about a year a few years ago. He was seeing someone else and one thing that I am grateful for is that he never introduced her to our kids. He said that he wouldn't do that to our kids until he was absolutely sure and it turns out, we worked it out and have been together ever since. I think that may be what you are concerned about, that your boyfriend and his ex might get back together. No matter what, they will have a connection for the rest of their lives thru their child. My younger sister is going thru the same thing that you are and I have told her not to even date someone with a child unless she is ready to be a mom and also to know that the child will always come first. That child is a big responsibility and he has no control, he needs to be protected. You are an adult and you can do what you want. You are so young and since you don't have any kids of your own, you can only see this situation from your own perspective, which is normal. But when you are older and realize that this child is a real person with his own personality and feelings, it is so much more complicated than you think it will be. I think that it is your right to be selfish if you want, I don't think that you are a terrible person, but that means that you can't be with someone who has children, because he needs to be with an adult and that means you don't get the luxury of being selfish. My sister is 35, so for her it is really hard to find someone who doesn't have kids but you are only 19! My son is 18, so I think that there are plenty of guys out there your age without kids. I don't know how long you two have been together or if you are just really planning ahead, if you are serious enough to even think marriage, I guess there are a lot of questions that I would like to ask you. But, really, I have a lot of friends that have combined families and it is really hard for everyone involved. So, in my opinion, I would end it now. I know that it sounds hypocritical, but if my husband died or if we had gotten a divorce, I would not marry someone with children. And since my children are as old as they are, I would probably wait until my kids moved out before I got remarried. It is just too hard, and I understand you being jealous and insecure, I would be too. I would be jealous for my kids and jealous of anyone else's kids. My kids are my top priority and they would have to be for anyone that I was involved with. And, honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't feel that way about his own kids. That shows a lot about someone's character.

Kendra - posted on 07/09/2012

You are not a terrible person for thinking this. Have you talked to him about your feelings? When you and him have children it will be more special because you love eachother and will be married. It might not be his first child but it will still be special.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/09/2012

Miia, I would LOVE to hear from you. It drives me nuts when people write posts and then abandon them. What is the point of writing them if not conversing. Trolling?

Maren - posted on 07/09/2012

So let me get this straight he is perfect ...
but for the fact that he has a kid he never sees, and you don't want to be a "mom"
but for the fact that he has a kid already, and you want to give him thst special first child
but for the fact that you will never be able to have the "ideal family" with him

I am not trying to be mean or rude, this is just how your post reads. Someones perfection comes from all of what and who they are. With his this includes the fact that he has a past and that past comes with a child.

From what I see is that you have a choice be with your perfect man and accept that life with him will not be exactly as you always pictured or find someone else who you can have that life with.

My husband and I are expecting our 3rd child in a month and we are both VERY excited for this child, just as we were for the other two. You do not make room in your heart for each child, each child finds it own space in your heart

Valeria - posted on 07/09/2012

My two cents:

I think what you are feeling is normal, being as young as you are, but I think you need to ask yourself and your boyfriend some tough questions.

You say the ex never lets him see the boy. Has your boyfriend fought to get parental visitation rights? If not, why? I personally would have to question whether or not I would want to have children with a man who has not fought tooth and nail to be involved in the lives of the children he already has.

If he is involved in this child's life, why haven't you met the child yet? That would make me question how serious this man is about the relationship.

Provided that he is as serious as you about the future of this relationship and he is doing his best to be a good father, then you need to stop thinking of this child as the "son he had with his ex." He is simply part of your boyfriend's family. Would you be feeling as jealous him if he were your boyfriend's nephew or little brother? No, you would probably accept him lovingly. That's what you need to do. He cannot help the circumstances in which he came into this world. Every child deserves to be loved and accepted.

There is no such thing as the ideal family. No family is perfect and everyone has problems they have to overcome to get along with one another. If you do end up marrying this man, then his ex will forever be a part of your lives. You need to stop thinking of her as the mean woman who cheated on your boyfriend and start thinking of her as someone with whom you will have to work together in order to do what is in the best interest of this little boy.

I have three sons and I love them all equally. The bond I have with my firstborn is no more special than the other two. If this man is as good as you believe him to be, then he will have no problem loving all of his children equally, no matter who their mother is.

Good luck to you, and when and if you do get engaged, I highly recommend pre-marital counseling. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I've been married for almost 18 years now.

Kelli - posted on 07/09/2012

Hi Miia. I've been where you are now. I was nineteen. He was twenty- two. My first relationship. I fell for him fast and hard. Three months into the relationship he told me that he had a one-year old daughter. I was devastated. Like you, the possibily of being a step parent terrified me. I was jealous of his ex, sad that I would never be able to give him what she had (his first child). Scared that it wasn't really over between his ex and him. And horribly guilty that I was somehow stopping him from being with his family. (They lived in a different town.) Looking back, I wish I had walked away. I'm not suggesting you should, but for me, because I was unaware of his daughter up front, I never really trusted him after that. I always wondered what else he wasn't telling me. We were together for two years and I never relaxed.I know now that I wasn't ready to be a step parent either. Being a step parent is a massive responsibility and i admire anyone who does it well. I couldn't have done it at nineteen. My relationship with my ex was fraught with problems. Apart from the trust thing, he never made me a priority in his life. It sounds like your relationship is better than mine was. You owe it to yourself (and your boyfriend and his child) to talk through your feelings with a professional. Don't feel bad for what you feel. Just the fact that you're reaching out here means that you want to improve your situation. While I agree with the previous posters who say that the child's paternity is not your concern, I can understand why you have thought of it. Its your mind's way of reconciling your current situation with that 'ideal family' you want. Talk to a counsellor about this. You need to work out if you are ready for this kind of relationship. I'm not saying you should end it, but you need to work out if this is something you can live with. Something you can manage and accept, rather than something that is going to be an ongoing struggle. All the best.

Dove - posted on 07/09/2012

Good luck with that. Most of these posts already convey what I would like to say.



I will just add that growing up I knew a family where the father was black and the mother was white. The daughter looked exactly like her father and nothing like her mother. The son looked exactly like his mother and nothing like his father. You can not determine paternity by looking at a child. Only a paternity test can do that. Either way, if this man thinks of this boy as his child and he is a GOOD man.... paternity will not matter to him.