How do I deal with my boyfriend's ex who is also the mother of 3 of his children?

[deleted account] ( 20 moms have responded )

So I met my boyfriend about 2 1/2 years ago and we instantly fell in love. The story may not quite be like a fairy tale but long story short...he was in relationship with the mother of his 3 boys. We now have our own child together and have been living as a family for about a year and a half but even though so much time has passed, his ex and I just cannot see eye to eye on ANYTHING. We have recently gotten into an argument so she refuses to bring the boys over unless my boyfriend is home at the time which is pretty ridiculous because the way I see it is whether she likes it or not, I will one day be their stepmom and she is trying her hardest to keep them away from me. I feel like where it should be getting easier for us, it's just getting harder...I am about to reach my breaking point...what do I do?

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Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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You don't deal with her. In her eyes (whether it's the truth or not... sounds like it by your own admission) 'you' broke up her family and she will never be ok with that... nor should she have to be.



All matters regarding the children should be between her and their father. Period. She shouldn't ever have any reason whatsoever to communicate with you.



She also shouldn't have to drop the kids off at your house when your boyfriend isn't home. HE is the one with visitation rights.... not you.



Sure.... it's nice if you can all be civilized, but if that's not possible.... leave it be. You just support your boyfriend and love on the kids when they are in your presence.

Firebird - posted on 08/30/2012

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You don't deal with her. That's your boyfriends job. If you don't deal with her, you can't argue with her.

Stefany Peris - posted on 08/30/2012

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Simplest solution for you is to simply avoid any interaction with her and have your boyfriend as the proxy to any relationship with her. If the children are brought in while he is around then alright, support him with them. Remember he is the one who needs your support in order to still have a life with his children.



The more you fight with his ex the more you will end up mking things difficult for him and his kids and at the end of the day what is best for them is to see him and not necessarily to come see you.

Alecia - posted on 08/31/2012

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if you broke up her family, you are being ridiculous in expecting her to be polite to you. i would beat your ass (if the case is you did break them up...) if you had pried yourself btwn me and my family. if thats not the case, you are still "new", baby or no, and they are not your kids. she has every right to choose who is with her kids.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2012

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My suggestion is for YOU to stop dealing with her. Obviously you can't get along with her at all, so don't. Leave it between the two of them. Given there are no visitation orders, it is her prerogative to bring them over when she chooses, and if it she doesn't want to leave them with you, that's her choice. Sorry, but it is. I know you don't like it, but if I were you, I'd just butt out.

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West - posted on 09/01/2012

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Girl be for real! You may or may not become the stepmother but even then you are not the parent. To her you will always be the woman who took away her kids dad. If I were you I'd be scared to around her kids alone because believe me they will be COACHED to say you harmed them in some sort of fashion. Be happy she's saving you the headache. She will be a hurdle until she finds a good man.Be thankful she's keeping her distance. And sweetie be careful if he left her for you what do you think he's gonna do to you in the future. ( not saying leave him just don't depend on him). Also if she's bitter maybe he's still dipping in that honey pot. Be careful cause he put you in a bad spot. He should have broke up with her amicably (which would have honestly taken a couple of months) then when he was free and clear got with you. True love will wait oh goodness I feel for you honey just make sure you set stuff up so if he leaves you and your baby are Gucci.

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2012

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I can't say anything about this woman in general, but I do know one thing. It's reasonable for her to not want to drop her children off to you alone without their father present. Try to put yourself in her shoes, as a fellow mom. You say you WILL be their stepmother. Maybe. But for now, what she knows of you is that you're their dad's flavor of the month who had so little scruples that you helped break up a family (remember, trying to see it from her perspective.) If your boyfriend leaves you for another shack up honey you likely won't want to drop your precious baby off with her, either.

John And - posted on 09/01/2012

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I know that if i was "in a relationship" with the father of my kids, then he fell in love with someone else, I would view her as the woman who broke up my family. This is what she thinks of you. Try to be happy she's not stalking you or trying to get her boyfriend back.



If I were in that situation, I don't think I'd want to deal with you or leave my kids with you either.



I'm sure it's a situation you hate, but you had a hand in making it. Perhaps the best thing you could do for everyone is be cordial and stay out of her way.

Mary - posted on 09/01/2012

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Well, you are not their stepmother right now you are just shacked up with the dad. I would never let my kids around a situation like that.

Lacye - posted on 08/31/2012

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Liz in all honesty, you have no rights to his other 3 kids. Even if you and him get married, you still have no rights to them kids. She doesn't have to put up with you or speak to you, just him. Now when you two do get married, you will be able to get them when he's around or not since you will be married but until then, she can do whatever she wants. I know this sounds harsh but I'm going through something similar to this myself right now and if BM doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't have to. She didn't have your kids.



Another thing I saw that raises a red flag with me, your boyfriend really needs to get visitation set in place. Not only will it establish his time with the kids, but if they get into an argument and she decides to not allow him to see the kids, she can do it. Your boyfriend needs to protect himself.

Dezarae - posted on 08/31/2012

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It was the same way w my husband's ex right after he & I started dating. He had broke up w her even though she was pregnant b/c she had cheated on him a few times, so he wasn't even sure it was his. We started dating about a month before his daughter was born, which was 2 months after he left her. She finally made it to where he couldn't c her at all. But now she has grown older & matured. She has left my husband's daughter & her other daughter by someone else w me on numerous occasions. Granted, my situation is slightly. Different than yours, maybe you just need to give the ex time to realize you aren't going anywhere. I know it's hard, but she is going to be how she wants to be. I hope this helps you some.

Amber - posted on 08/30/2012

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I am sorry that you and the kids are going through this. It sounds like you really care about all of the kids and are try to do what is best for them. However girlfriend and step parents have limited rights. The courts do not acknowledge step parents as having rights when both of the bio parents are around and actively involved. The best thing for you to do at this time is let her wait until he gets home. She should change her tune soon enough if it is a hardship on her. All you can do is love the kids, and treat them well when they are with you.



A couple of points of advice ( I am not saying that you have or do any of these things):

Never bash mom or dad to the kids.

Treat all of the kids the same. When they are with you (ex. same rules at the same age)

Make sure the house rules do not change from one visit to the next.



I am sure there are more but these are key ones for me personal. I have a sd that i consider to be my dd. I have had her since she was 2. We got custody 9 years ago and bm has not been seen since. I tell her that she grew in my heart. I also tell her that god know she was going to be mine and that is why she looks like me. She looks nothing like dad or bm. lol. She loves hearing this from me. I cannot tell her about her babyhood like I can tell my boys. So I make sure there is something else special that we share.



Good luck and know this will pass with time and patients.

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

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Well, because they are her and your boyfriend's children, she can refuse visitation to you, but it seems like she is not refusing that to her baby's father. You two had an argument, which should have never happened. I am currently dating a guy who has a child with another woman, but she lives in a different state. She is ridiculous. She only calls to try to get back with him/screw him --disgusting (she is married) and then proceeds to call me a c*nt and b*tch, among other things. She does not respect our relationship and he has since cut all contact with her for over 8 months. He pays child support but has no visitation rights and cannot afford a lawyer. However, this shows you the horrible side of "baby momma drama". I am not sure who started the argument but the bulk of their relationship should be their children, nothing more. That's why his ex had an issue dealing with. He did not want a relationship with her and she refused to just allow him to see his kid without having to be around her.



I also have a child from a different man, while my ex is 100% out of the picture and does not want his child, our children from outside relationships have caused strain and issues on our relationship, which is very special and will eventually lead to marriage and child(ren) of our own.



I do not mind him having a relationship with his baby's mother, but not if it involves her being a child and refusing to allow visitation.



It will not get easier until all parties see eye to eye and the baby's mother realizes it is not about you or her, but what's best for the children. Your boyfriend should take it upon himself to have a conversation with both of you about expectations and what he feels should happen. Hope this helps and I feel your pain, sweetie.

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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*she refuses to bring the boys over unless my boyfriend is home at the time



I was just responding to your words......

[deleted account]

well they dont have visitation set in...we just watch them a few times a week and she brings them even if he isnt home bc i do watch them for her too

Firebird - posted on 08/30/2012

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lol Actually, I wouldn't be leaving my daughter with his new girlfriend to watch. I don't care if they're together for 2 years. Her dad gets her on his days off only. That's how it's been for the last 3 years. My daughter has Autism, so I'm very picky about who takes care of her. As for your boyfriend's ex... there isn't much you can do about her being rude unfortunately. Perhaps your boyfriend can have a polite conversation with her about it.

[deleted account]

I do understand the fact that he is the one that has kids with her but she acts like im invinsible. I am the one helping care for her children so I feel like the least she can do is be polite. Or not even be polite but dont come to my home and purposely be rude just because she wants to. Its complete disrespect. I guess its a little hard for me to see it like that because I dont even think of having to deal with another woman with my child but if the situation came about. I would completely respect her if shes being good to my daughter. I mean if you happened to be leaving your child with his new girlfriend to watch, you wouldnt be rude about it would you?

Firebird - posted on 08/30/2012

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Of course it would be nice if everyone could be civilized, but it doesn't always work that way. Honestly, there is no real reason for her to talk to you about the kids. She didn't have kids with you, she had them with their father. If my ex ever finds himself a new girlfriend (here's hoping lol) I would still talk to my ex, not her, about my kid. Continue to be pleasant and ignore it if she isn't.

[deleted account]

well he is the one that deals with her but since there are children involved then I think we should also at least be civilized. As in if the kids are here then I dont understand why she cant call me if she needs to ask something in relation to them. She always feels the need to ask for my boyfriend and if he isnt home then he has to call her back...no matter how important it is, she acts like she cant communicate with me in any way. When she brings the kids, shell completely ignore me even when i say hello and the children can sense the tension. I just feel like making it uncomfortable to them isnt necessary.

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