How do I deal with my mom taking over my wedding?

Taylor - posted on 06/03/2012 ( 52 moms have responded )

10

0

1

My mother won't let me have my wedding near where I live (8 hours away from the rest of me and my fiance's families) and while I don't think it's fair that we have to be punished for actually making it out of our home town, I don't like to start conflict so I'm going with it. This also means that I'm planning a wedding from 8 hours away and everything I'm choosing is being based off of photographs and my mother's personal opinion. So far my beautiful, outdoor, DIY wedding at an apple orchard with the Blue Ridge as a back drop has turned into a disgusting mix of beach and redneck- two things my fiance and I specifically ran away from. Also, I'm not getting to do all of the fun stuff that I was looking forward to like cake tasting, and dress shopping. I'm not even getting a shower. I feel like this isn't even my wedding anymore. What do I do?



UPDATE:

I tried talking to my mom about some things that I wanted for the wedding and that it would be a hassle for me to cart my son (who will be one) on a cross-state trip, and she completely ignored me. The first few times I thought maybe Skype was acting up, but after an hour of blatant topic changes I figured out that she wasn't going to listen.



Also, a few people have asked if she's paying: No. My dad is paying (parents are divorced). Mom promised to pay for my dress, but ended up blowing all of her money before we had a chance to order it, and she doesn't exactly have a job to save up again.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Krista - posted on 06/04/2012

12,562

16

842

I would suggest a compromise: Have your wedding where you and your fiance want it, the way that you want it, and with whoever is willing to make the trip.



Let your mom plan a second "reception" in your hometown, and let her have free rein in how she wants to plan it. That way, everybody can show up, she can do things however she wants, but you'll have already had your dream wedding.



That is what my husband and I did. My mom wasn't butting in or anything, but my family is complicated, and I was worried about a s**tstorm breaking out during my wedding. So my husband and I took off to New York City and got married in Central Park -- just the two of us. It was absolutely lovely -- there was not a bit of pressure, we were able to focus on each other, and we had a wonderful time. After we got home, we went up to my hometown, and my mom threw a big bash for us and invited the whole fam-damily and all of her friends. We had a slide show of wedding photos on the projector. I even wore my wedding dress for a couple of hours. It worked out beautifully.



So I would sit and talk to your mom and say, "Mom, this long-distance wedding thing just isn't working. (Fiance's name) and I have always dreamed about how we want our wedding, and frankly, right now it's becoming very different from that, and we're not happy. I don't want to spend my wedding day being resentful and angry because I didn't take the opportunity to speak up when I had a chance. So, we'd like to go with our original plan of being married where we live and doing it the way we've dreamed. But we know not everybody's going to be able to make it, and you've already done a lot of work. So I think what might work is for us to perhaps have a family party/reception here, a little while after the wedding. We can even show the wedding video, for any relatives who couldn't make it. I know it's not what you had in mind, but we really have to do what feels right for us as a couple, or else it won't feel like our wedding at all."



Or something like that. :)



ETA: if you're not comfortable saying this out loud, then send it to her in a letter.

[deleted account]

I would put your big girl panties on and have a talk with your mother. This wedding is you you & your fiance. This is not the wedding of you, your fiance, and your mother. If you cave and let mom have her own way, you may come to resent the whole ordeal and have a hugr blow-up. But, if yo uhave an adult conversation with your mother, then you are welcome to have any kind of wedding you like. Those who chose to travel the 8 ours and spend your day with you are the ones who love and cherish you. Those who feel that 8 hours is too much of an inconvience-well, yo umight as well brush them out of your lives. I personally think your idea of the apple orchard is gorgeous! Best of luck to you!

Sarah - posted on 06/04/2012

1,258

14

164

When I planned my wedding, we originally were planning it for the same town my in laws lived in because my family would only have to travel 5 hours instead of the 10 hours from where we lived (and 5 hours from the inlaws). I noticed this happening from the get go with my mother in law. We put our foot down and switched the location to where we lived. It made it a lot easier to plan and we got what we wanted because we weren't relying on other people to make decisions. There were some people who opted to not come, but most of our families came anyways. I got a great deal with a motel and all our guests stayed there. It was across the street from our wedding location, and we made it a whole weekend of fun. For our rehearsal dinner we got chinese takeout and everyone came out of their rooms and we ate at the picnic tables in their garden. It was so much fun and a great informal way to visit with everyone before the wedding. My hubby stayed at the motel with his parents the night before the wedding, and all of them went out to eat together the morning of (with all his family that came). I stayed at our apartment and my uncle came over early and made a big breakfast of pancakes (crepe style) with strawberries and whipping cream. All my family dropped by and we got to have a great visit that way too. We basically just included everyone in all the things leading up to the wedding. Everyone said they really enjoyed it and we still hear about how fun it was 6 years later.

I would suggest taking control of your wedding. Change it to where you live. People will come. Your Mom may be disappointed, but remind her that this is YOUR wedding, not hers. She will get over it. If it's too late to change it, then set up a weekend, or a week if possible and go visit. Before you go book appointments with your caterer, florist, cakery, etc. and make sure things will be set up the way YOU want. Weddings are joyous events, but they certainly don't always have an easy road to travel to get to the joy of them. Good luck and congratulations.

Firebird - posted on 06/03/2012

2,660

30

521

You have two options. You can tell her to back off and have YOUR wedding YOUR way, or you can avoid conflict and let her do what she wants without complaint. This is your day, you are the one who needs to be happy with it. Have the wedding where YOU and your fiance want. If you want the wedding of your dreams, you'll have to deal with a little conflict.

Lisa - posted on 06/04/2012

5

13

0

It seems like it ISN'T your wedding anymore. Why don't you have your wedding...since it IS your wedding?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

52 Comments

View replies by

Angelica - posted on 02/04/2013

3

0

0

I kindof know what your going through.My mom planned everything for my wedding.She kicked my fiance out of helping and shes uncontrolable.Im sick of her and she insists on paying for everything.Were geting marrried on june 22,2013 and im sad and hurt that she needs to be the center of attention on our day and through out the whole process of planning Our Wedding.She talks bad about him and SHES annoying.I dont know what to do. My sibleings and i cant get jobs [so says she]because we need to get married first.[get that bull shit]PPl think that were living a sheltered life and im sick of it.Well im not gonna bore you with my crappy life.Thanks.

Bryndís - posted on 06/16/2012

64

49

1

Who's wedding is this again? Tell her to back off in a strict manner, face to face, on skype or on the phone. Or all of the above. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. She has no say in the matter. Have the wedding where you want. And make it YOUR wedding. Make all your dreams come true. You are only doing this once and your mother is taking it away from you for selfish reasons. She's not paying, she has NO saying!

[deleted account]

I agree with many people although I haven't read all the posts.....if I lived 8 hours away from family and they wanted it near them I would definitely NOT do it. It is ur fiancé and ur decision.....I would absolutely hate it if she planned it all. Most of the fun is cake tasting, dress picking and where to have it. I would tell her over the phone or Skype I refuse to go down there for the wedding & that if u care about me u would make the trip up here. You dont need her at the wedding anyway, it would be nice but if she doesn't want to make the trip then just tell her not to come. Good luck and congrats I hope it works out

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2012

9,039

21

1999

Ok, Taylor, I've fought with this one for a few days, and here's my opinion:

It's your wedding, not hers. If she were footing the bill, I'd say differently, but since she's not...She can put on her big girl panties and get over it.

If you let her do this, will you really be happy with YOUR day?

I told my mother to take a flying leap when planning my wedding. She didn't approve of my fiance, and she told me that she was providing her support with "reservations", provided we got married in HER church, by HER pastor (who wouldn't marry us because we'd shared an apartment), and her conditions.

I chose my venue ( a very nice place that had no religious connotations), picked my dress (a whole $65, and still looks great), had handpicked flowers for decorations, and a friend made my cake.

We were the proverbial poor wedding, for sure, but we're still happy 23 years later.

Here's a thought, did your mom not have the wedding she wanted, so she is determined to do yours? Still, if she isn't paying, and doesn't have the money to provide what she offered...

She may be pissed, though. It took my mom 15 years to get over her bitterness about my wedding. She's still not happy, even tho we are. I'm not to disturbed, though.

Joy - posted on 06/12/2012

5

0

0

Another thought: if your mom blew the $ for your dress, she might not be able to pay for all she has planned. You may find that many things are not done, deposited, contracted, and when your wedding day is here you're left out in the cold and embarrassed. So from a strictly logistic point of view, your being in control guarantees you have the wedding you dream about. God bless you and your fiancée!

Joy - posted on 06/12/2012

5

0

0

I replied before your update. Thanks for updating us. Would you control your daughter's wedding? Would you dictate to her and her fiancée? If no, then have your wedding YOUR way. It's a wedding. Your mom will get over it. Get rid of the guilt once and for all. This is about you, not her

Shannon - posted on 06/12/2012

1

0

0

So if mom isn't footing the bill, and dad is, does he understand what you want for your wedding?
Sounds like mom wants all the glory of your big day but doesn't have the means to back it up.
Have your wedding where you want it, and if dad is footing the bill, consult with him. I am sure he will agree with whatever you want for your big day.

Karen - posted on 06/07/2012

236

33

3

I'm sorry to read your UpDate. Honestly, since she wont listen, I would talk to your father, you say He's the one paying and your parents are divorced. I'm sure your dad wants you to be happy on your day. Tell him what is going on, and that what you want is Not what your mother is planning. Get it squared away with your dad about what you want. Then try talking to your mother again, but Not a discussion. TELL her that what she is doing is not what you want. That you are going to plan the wedding You want with your father. If she still wants to be a part of it, then Okay, if not, that is her problem. If she still will not listen. Write her a letter, get everything out about how unhappy you are with her and that it Hurts you that she doesn't Respect you. After you have secured the venue You want, let her know she is still invited to the Wedding YOU want, but that you will Not be attending the wedding SHE is planning. Good Luck.

Diana - posted on 06/06/2012

109

0

0

This is your wedding, not your mom's. You will need to put your foot down if that's really what you want. If your mom is the one paying for the wedding this may be more difficult unless you are prepared to pay for it yourselves. If you just go along with everything rather than saying something, you will regret it later. Maybe your mom doesn't realize that you really don't want to do it her way because you've never really said anything. Do some research yourself, find your ideal location, and show her what you want. Sometimes seeing it can make a difference. Like Zen said, you have created such a beautiful verbal picture of your wedding day. Maybe compromise on a location in between you & your parents. Do it in a way that shows your excitement and your excitement will be contagious. Maybe find some special way to include her in your vision that will make her feel special too. If she is crafty, give her a project. Arrange for cake-tasting & drag her along, or hit a bridal show just for the fun of it. She is probably just as excited as you. It may just be that she still sees you as her little girl & she wants to take care of everything for you. It also may be that she just can't envision anything else so you showing her something different may be just the thing she needs. If "everyone else" is doing redneck beach weddings that may be all she knows. Sell your vision to her and shwo her how special and totally different it will be from the rest. Enjoy your special day!

Laurie - posted on 06/06/2012

10

0

0

1st- be grateful you have a mother who wants to help. 2nd-Pay for it yourself and have it your way if that's what you chose. Lastly-be honest with your family in love. My guess is she would be devastated to know that you are so displeased and not telling her.

Corinne - posted on 06/06/2012

1,288

14

121

My M.I.L and GM.I.L tried to take over the planning of our wedding, down to who I was having for bridesmaids! We put our foot down and told them we were doing it our way and they could ether respect that and attend or stay away. We had a fantastic day. Don't let your Mum ruin what is the start of your lives together. It is your day, do what you want.

Julie - posted on 06/06/2012

1

3

0

My mother and my sister took over my wedding. Because I didn't want to upset or hurt anyone I let them go ahead. I have been married 43 years and to this day I have regretted it. It is your day. You do it your way or you will never be happy with the whole affair.

Janessa - posted on 06/05/2012

289

10

0

Is there a middle ground, that is half way between you and them, where you could plan it? I wouldn't let your mom take it over, but it is good you are trying to compromise. Keep the peace, but make sure it is something you'll be happy with too.

Zen - posted on 06/05/2012

40

20

0

Are you paying for it? That's one MAJOR factor.
If you are, you d it the way you want.
If not, be grateful for the help she is giving.
AND...
Have you created a beautiful verbal picture of the wedding you want, sharing it with your Mom in such a sweet and delightful way that she just can't wait to create the day of your life together? In partnership you can create anything..
and stop being a victim of what you created, your wedding and your relationship with your Mom. YOU are the cause of everything in your life, exactly the way it is and the way it isn't. Own it.

Kara - posted on 06/05/2012

7

5

1

You guys should plan a small little elopement in the gown you live and if your families want to throw you some sort of a reception where they live they can have more input in the details planning and theme.

Shanna - posted on 06/05/2012

1

10

0

Have a serious talk with her or you will regret not having it your way later. Typically (hopefully) you only have one wedding in a lifetime...make certain its what you want. She had the opportunity to do hers the way she wanted..its your turn!

Karen - posted on 06/05/2012

236

33

3

Personally, I guess I'm a bitch. I would tell her to back off (as tactfully as possible). Explain to her what you just said to us. It doesn't feel like your wedding anymore, that the details are things you specifically do not want in your wedding/life. If she doesn't listen/won't back off. You might have to be more blunt about it. If all else fails, I would elope to Niagara Falls or somewhere you can have that out door wedding that is still beautiful. Or is the officiate is willing, elope to that apple orchard with just your closest friends as witnesses. Explain to your mother afterwards that you asked her to back off, that you told her you weren't happy with how the plans were going, and that you did what you felt you needed to do to get the wedding of your dreams. If she is a good mother and loves you and wants only the best for you, she will understand, it might hurt her feelings, but she will get over it. .... On the Flip side. The wedding is just ONE day of your life. Too many people focus on the wedding day and making everything perfect and don't give much thought to the marriage that comes after it. Don't let that be you. No wedding has ever gone off perfectly with out a single misstep. (late bride's maid, wrong flowers or colors, something small that in the big picture doesn't matter.) My wedding certainly fell into that category (I had 1/2 of my RSVPed guests, show up, so instead of the 98 people I PAID for, only 43 guests showed up to my wedding and reception) I was heart broken, but at the end of the day, I married the most incredible man I've ever met and it is their loss that they didnot get to join in my happiness. Do what you have to do to get the wedding that you want. and ask yourself if you can deal with the things you don't like to make everyone else happy as long as you are marrying the man you love. Good luck.

Kristin - posted on 06/05/2012

356

0

88

I just went through this... I got married on june 2nd with only 3 months of planning. My mom did a great deal and I am very appreciative of her help bout we wanted a simple picnic wedding outside and it turned into an event that coated over $10,000! She really pushed for traditional things while my thinking was outside of the box. Whenever I disagreed with something, it would just happen her way anyway. I did have strong opinions about things that I would not bend about. I just talked to her and said even though she was paying for everything, I always dreamed my wedding to be a certain way. While I did not get my picnic wedding, I had a great time. Now that my wedding day is over and im going to work today, it all seems like it didn't matter. We are married and that's what I wanted, no matter how or where, I am married.

Joy - posted on 06/05/2012

5

0

0

Loved Krista E's post. You AND your fiancé sit down with your mom and discuss your dream wedding. Let her know how much it means to you and him, the plan you've come up with. Tell her you appreciate her input and then give her some area that she can run with of YOUR plan.
Let her see that the two of you are together on this. Have him comment as well. Ask her, doesn't she want you and your fiance to be happy planning the start of your lives together? Give her a role and check in frequently to make her feel important in it. My mom tried to control my wedding 27 years ago, and has been trying to control our life ever since. Stop it from the start!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 06/05/2012

13

2

1

Remind her that YOU are the one getting married and not her. I know that sometimes that can cause hard feelings, but it is your day. Plan it how you want and where you want and don't let her push in. Sure, it's ok if you want her opinion, but in the end, it should come down to what you and your fiancee want, not her.

Apryl - posted on 06/05/2012

11

0

0

Ok...so when this post came up on my email, all I could read was...MY MOTHER WON'T LET ME HAVE MY WEDDING..... That says enough. Honey I know it would be easier for her and it could go her way, butt it's YOUR wedding. A wedding isn't just the legaization of your union to your husband, it's not the spiritual and emotional commitment youve made to each other because when you said yes to his propoosal you already made that commitment. A wedding is a chance to share with the world and the ones who you love that you are asking for their blessing and accoutibility as a married coupleAND it's a chance to show off your personal style as a,couple. Be it redneck, beach, or punk rock, or awesome vintage apple orchard (love that by the way). You will regretletting her destroy your ONLY oppurtunity to have the wedding you dream about. Let her throw you a shower her style, near family and friends, and those who aren't willing to make the drive to come see your wedding, can just send a gift and wishes, less cost for you. The people willing to come are the only people who will matter anyway. Setting this precedence will affect how and WHERE you have your children, buy your home and what kind of care she ALLOWS you to drive. Start this adult relationship off with your husband and you in charge of it. It will be hard,lout you willl feel such peace about it later and she will get it. Expect her to throw a tantrum to get her way,mbut don't give in or the future tantrums will be worse.

Ann - posted on 06/05/2012

2

12

0

It's YOUR wedding, you should have it where you want it ! Ditch the plans your mother is preparing and plan your simple wedding that YOU want. If your mom really wants to be a part of your big day, SHE will make the 8 hour trip !!

Medic - posted on 06/04/2012

3,922

19

551

So don't let her. It is YOUR wedding...the start of YOUR life.....be a big girl and tell her how it is.

Markita - posted on 06/04/2012

76

34

0

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! It's your wedding do it your way. They need to cater to you, not you to them. Your mom had her day, she needs to get over herself and let you have your day.

Pamela - posted on 06/04/2012

711

9

6

Sit down with her for an "honest" talk. Say, "Mom I FEEL like you are taking over my plans for my wedding. I KNOW you mean well but it is causing me resentment and I don't want those negative energies between us. PLEASE, this is my wedding. Let me plan it. You sit back and enjoy it! That's what Moms get to do!"

If she persists....ELOPE! LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Heather - posted on 06/04/2012

8

8

0

I would let her know it's your wedding, she had hers. Now it's ur turn, your way. It's your special day. Congrats!

Roxanna - posted on 06/04/2012

110

53

16

How old are you? At some point you have to grow up and stand up to your Mother. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. Let her guilt trip you, set the tone now or she will be walking ALL OVER you and your new husband. Harsh? Yes, I moved 2017 miles away from my Mother for many reasons. main one being she wanted to control my life in every aspect. I see her every other year, and even though I miss her sometimes, I am glad we are so far away. Good luck!

Hella - posted on 06/04/2012

56

11

2

You have to make a decision, : It is your life with your husband, or it is your mother's. If, you do a wedding but she pays for it, then you should think about, that make your own wedding within your limit, and the way you want. You are getting married, and have an independent life without your mother. Why is she still managing your life? If you not gonna stand up for yourself, no one will. What will you do, if you will have children. Your mom will race them up, the way she wants to, or you?

Dawn - posted on 06/04/2012

48

1

0

You have to stand up for yourself now or she will keep stepping on your desires. It may seem so hard, but standing now will help you have a better relationship in the future. Don't let he guilt you. Let her know that you appreciate all her work, but that you just won't have a wedding where you cringe at all the pictures. Don't let her be controlling or guilt you into what she wants. Rejectiing your ideas and cutting you out of the planning is hurtful.
Be prepared to tell her that if she doesn't respect you, then you'll plan your own wedding -where YOU want it. Better to have a small wedding that you love than a big wedding you'll hate forever.

Dawn - posted on 06/04/2012

48

1

0

You have to stand up for yourself now or she will keep stepping on your desires. It may seem so hard, but standing now will help you have a better relationship in the future. Don't let he guilt you. Let her know that you appreciate all her work, but that you just won't have a wedding where you cringe at all the pictures. Don't let her be controlling or guilt you into what she wants. Rejectiing your ideas and cutting you out of the planning is hurtful.
Be prepared to tell her that if she doesn't respect you, then you'll plan your own wedding -where YOU want it. Better to have a small wedding that you love than a big wedding you'll hate forever.

Alexandra - posted on 06/04/2012

581

24

1

I personally would have a conversation with mommy saying exactly what you just said here. If she does not understand, then it is not your problem anymore, you will have a clean conscience. But I woudl definitely have my wedding my way, not everybody elses'.

Sandy - posted on 06/04/2012

243

64

7

If you're paying for it, you decide EVERYTHING about it. If she is paying for it, then you decide based on options which the person who is paying for it can afford.

Richelle - posted on 06/04/2012

58

17

2

This is YOUR wedding, and the "official" start of your new life together with your husband. You should have complete control of what you want, when and where. It's incredibly hard, but you need to stand up to your mom or she could try to continue to control your lives later on. Can any of your friends give you a shower for your wedding?

Stifler's - posted on 06/04/2012

15,141

154

597

I just rang companies in that town, sent the florist emails and decorations hire people, we traveled back there about 3 times to have pre marriage counselling with the pastor and talk to the reception venue. I bought a dress from brisbane and went down to got it and shop for shoes etc. There;'s no reason why you can't take control of the proceedings.

Sherri - posted on 06/04/2012

9,593

15

387

Why are you letting your mom have any say when it comes to your wedding. Have it where you want and how you want end of discussion. If she gets mad so be it, it isn't her wedding and she will get over it. Trust me you will regret it and hate looking back on it, if you don't have it as you want.

Heather - posted on 06/04/2012

534

65

0

Don't let your Mom plan your wedding, well, even IF she is paying for it. Have it where you want it, when you want it, and how you want it. It is YOUR wedding. If your mom doesn't want to travel the 8 hours to be there, then oh well, that's her loss. OR maybe have TWO weddings! One small, the way YOU want it where you live, and then one 8 hours from where you live, just to please your mom. It's up to YOU. It is your special day. Do it the way that you want to do it.

Dove - posted on 06/04/2012

6,186

0

1337

What do you do? You have your wedding where you want and do it how you want. Your mother can accept that or not come.

Or you can let her have control of YOUR life simply to keep the peace.

Your choice.

Liz - posted on 06/04/2012

1,047

15

260

I had my wedding 3000 miles from where I lived and had to do all my organising via proxies, but I managed to see and choose a location, a florist and a photographer during one weekend of intense appointments during a vacation 12 months ahead of the day.

If long-distance organising is not your thing, however, then take control and have it where you want it to be. It's your wedding and your fiancé's and should be your day to remember for the rest of your lives - with joy and celebration, not underlying disappointment or resentment.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/04/2012

18,920

9

3002

I did not have my dream wedding, to many complications. I was not living where I wanted to be, and in the end I have some nice wedding memories, but it is not how I pictured it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/04/2012

18,920

9

3002

Then why are you letting her do this? Put an end to it and have your wedding day be what you and your future husband want it to be. Is your mother going to be in every decision of your marriage??? If you don't want her to be, you need to take control of how you want your wedding to be.

I like Krista's idea to have an extra/seperate reception. I would not do it the same day as your wedding, for obvious travel reasons but within a month of your actual nuptials.

Stifler's - posted on 06/04/2012

15,141

154

597

I had my wedding 6 hours from where i lived I still did the dress shopping and all that stuff.

Amy - posted on 06/04/2012

6,360

33

2384

You need to put your foot down, it's not her wedding it's you and your fiancé! He has a say too. My parents tried similar stuff with me (4 hours away) but I knew that I was t going to be driving back and forth to get things done so I stopped it before it started. We were paying for a lot of the reception but my parents were still contributing, they weren't happy about it being where I lived but they went with if. After the wedding they apologized because it was an amazing time. You're going to have to ruffle feathers if it's something you really want.

Stifler's - posted on 06/04/2012

15,141

154

597

Just tell her, this is not how I want my wedding... It's my wedding not yours

Michelle - posted on 06/04/2012

8,374

8

3223

I agree with Joanna. You have the choice of upsetting your Mother and having the wedding you want OR forever wishing you had told her to butt out and have something that you aren't going to want to remember.

You are going to have your wedding memories forever and you really want them to be great memories. This is your day so I say do what you want. If your Mother wants to be there she will just have to go along with it or miss seeing you get married.

This is the exact reason why I eloped. No one told us what to and it was perfect in every way.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms