How do i discipline my 15 Month old son?

Megan - posted on 11/01/2012 ( 233 moms have responded )

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I am struggling on how to deal with my 15 month old son. I understand everyone says just to redirect them to something else n get on there level n tell them no n a stern voice and i do this over n over every time with him n he goes right back to it n then finds everything around him that i say no to n do it he wont listen to me at all n he seems to know what he is doing wrong n does it over n over n over when nothing works what do u do? His temper tantrums are getting worse as well his biggest thing is to open n shut the outside door when we are outside he just wont leave it alone n we cant leave the door open i try to get him to play with his ball but it dont help all he wants to do is play with the door n i dont know how to get him to stop nothing seems to work with him i guess my biggest ?in is what do u do when you try everything n it dont work?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/01/2012

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No...don't "pop" him on his hand. That will just teach him hitting is the way to get what you want. Kids are curious. If you let them do the door thing, as annoying as it is, he will probably get tired of it. Or you can use time out. In my experience, the more I say no...the more they do it. Redirection is key, and I know you are trying that....but if you do it without no and get him really interested in something else, it may work.



Also, bedrooms should not be a time out spot. It can give them a bad feeling about their room, and associate it with them being in trouble. FInd a local spot in the house where he can stand or sit, and have that spot ONLY be for timeouts. It is 1 minute per year.

Connie - posted on 11/02/2012

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As a childcare provider, I just completed a mandatory class on child abuse, and any pressure to the soft tissue of a child is considered mandatory reportable child abuse.



Now to address the question. Funny, this came up in a childcare forum yesterday as well with a provider contemplating terminating care for a 17 month old because they were driving her batty. She is a new, inexperienced provider. This is an age/stage issue. The child will get through this in a few months. They realize all of these new abilities they posses, like being able to MOVE THINGS. They have a new epiphany that if I DO THIS, then THIS HAPPENS. A child opening and closing a door is learning physics, cause and effect, they may be watching how the shadows move, or the light reflects. It is LEARNING! What you see as an irritation, is your child's brain wiring itself with new connections. This is a good thing. They have absolutely no self-control at this age. They may KNOW it is not something they should do, they may not WANT to get into trouble, but they lack the ability to self-regulate and control their impulses. It is WRONG to punish a child for something they have no control over. That ability will form by the time they are two, and then time-out and the expectation of compliance is appropriate. This is not the child's problem. This is an adult having unrealistic expectations of the child problem. The solution...



As someone said, re-direction when possible. However, children this age are very determined and stubborn. The way they get things figured out is through dogged determination, and theirs is most likely higher than yours. Which leads to adult frustration.



Pick your battles. Discipline means TO TEACH, not punish. TEACH your child what TO DO instead, such a nice touch for the baby. Gently rub his hand over the back and repeatedly say "NICE touch." If it isn't harming the child or another human being, let them at it for now. This is a huge time of brain development and blocking those explorations that interest them hold them back.



Change the environment. You can beat a child this age black and blue and they still will not back down from a chosen course. In a few months you can work on compliance to rules and commands, but for now, if it's an issue, move things, put things away, block things, put a tight wedge under that door, create a segregated play area they can't get out of that is a safe zone where they are free to do whatever they want.



Consider the child's self-perspective. If they are constantly being told NO, DON'T, STOP, and being punished, then they are learning that they are bad and wrong. This not what you want for your child. It is up to adults to create an environment where a child can make good choices and leads to acceptable behavior at this age. Around 2 is when they can begin self-control and assessing right/wrong choices and comply with those decisions.



I put the infants down for tummy time within a play yard gate, so that the toddlers can't get to them. Such as this one...http://www.amazon.com/North-States-Super...



This is also a good yard if you want to segregate your toddler to play, but you'll need to make sure it is secured down in some way so they can't just lift it up or scoot it along the floor. You'll also need to make sure they don't have large toys that they can use to climb out.



I know it is frustrating. I have a 15 month old now that loves to bang, climb, throw, etc. But it is a very important growth stage and will pass quicker than you realize. Best of luck.

Holly - posted on 11/01/2012

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pop him on his hand, not hard, don't hurt him.... but give his hand a pop and tell him "no sir, you don't touch the door!" if he doesn't listen put him in his room for a minute... yes 60 seconds of time out....

Holly - posted on 11/01/2012

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lol I will have to just say that i will have to be inclined to agree to disagree on this, we are on both sides of the fence on this... I will just say that my children are VERY understanding well adjusted happy, intelligent, well spoken children. and 99.9 percent of the time they didn't need spankings, but when they flat out disobey me, or flat out disrespect me, i remind them of who is in charge, and who will be the obedient child. let me tell you, they are not afraid of me, they truly and honestly respect me, with out fear.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/02/2012

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WOW! You think your kids don't fear you when you are intentionally intimidating the shit out of them. My stomach just took a dive. Not only do you intimidate them by standing over them and applying painful force on them continuously until they comply, you hit them in the mouth. That is fucking fantastic. Parenting classes anyone?



Yeah your kids are scared of you. When they see you get up and walking over to them to intimidate them and hurt them until essentially they say uncle, you bet your ass they are scared. Just give them 20 years and ask them how they liked your technique. And if they try it, and have kids, I would love to see how their wives react to it. Wholly shit.

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Crystal - posted on 01/03/2013

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The time isn't 'supposed' to start until after your child calms down. Or at least that's how I understand the technique behind time outs. So it could take 20 minutes for a 3yr old to stop throwing a shit fit & calm down enough to start the 3 minute time out. At that point, you hope, they have exhausted themselves of the fight enough to sit it out and thus absorb the lesson/understanding behind the time out.

But yeah, I personally don't think they're a great method for young toddlers.

Tammie - posted on 01/02/2013

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My son was hyper like Megan's so 1 minute just didn't do the purpose; more a fight than a way of punishment. All children have their difference in behavior good or bad. Mommy will find out, I wished at times they did come with instructions.

Diane - posted on 01/01/2013

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Thank you Crystal! :)

The other thought here is to put yourself in your child's position. The original poster here, maybe next time your son is "doing the door thing" maybe get down there with him and interact with him (or try to) and see if you can figure out what he's doing, why he's doing it.

Just a thought. :)

It's amazing how different the world looks when you get on your child's level and see the world through his/her eyes. :)

Happy New Year Everybody!!
Diane

Crystal - posted on 12/31/2012

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Excellent posts Diane!

I don't think time outs work for children younger than 3-4 years old.. certainly not at 15 months. The understanding just isn't there... but that's just what I think. As well as what I've read and many professionals suggest lol. 15 months really is young to have them sit in time out to teach them a lesson, if calming down is needed that's essentially the same thing, but 'time out' specifically seems to carry a different meaning to most people.

Also, it should be 1 minute for each year, so 3 minutes total for a 3 year old, 4 for a 4 year old and so on.

Tammie - posted on 12/31/2012

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I want to clarify myself when I say a little smack on the hands, nothing that will make a bruise or a place. A small pat on a diaper never hurt no child as long as there is no force behind it. The firm no is a must, this shows a child the difference in your voice and get down to their level, stoop down to him or her.There are precautions you will have to take everyone in the family has to be on the stage, no means NO. A little reward occasionally doesn't hurt if he does mind reward him.. Being stubborn at this age is normal he is going to see how far he is going to be able to push you.. Remember calmness will come in time.. Time out is effective at this age, take a small chair or potty chair and have his sit at least 3 minutes to start out with, you may have to hold him there gently but he will get the idea.

Diane - posted on 12/31/2012

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Thank you Susan! [Another long post I'm doing here; it's no wonder I never get anything done!] ;)

One thing I experienced after we moved to Washington to get help for my son was special parenting classes to learn how to parent to my son's "special needs" (or as I prefer to put it "parent to his method of understanding/comprehension") rather than as if he were a "neuro-typical" child.

And I totally agree with you that it's much harder for "non-neuro-typical" children (and even adults with traumatic brain injuries) to learn to behave and I'd even go so far as to say that for some of them (children and adults) it's *impossible* to learn to behave when being taught in a manner that they don't understand, that doesn't work for them; it *has* to be taught in a way they understand.

People who are deaf usually learn via sign language.

People who are blind usually need to be given Braille books to learn when reading is required.

Take a child that has no ability to recognize/understand facial features. Because of his/her inability he can't "read" (from your facial/body expressions) that he's talking too much and usually about something so boring you can barely make yourself listen.

That child needs to be shown (again and again and again and again - only extreme repetition seems to work because reading facial features isn't really a skill that can be "taught") with *pictures/graphics* of various facial/body expressions so that when he's speaking to someone he can gradually recognize a facial expression of "go away kid you're bothering me". ;) (Sorry, that's an old Humphrey Bogart line isn't it?)

My son, at 19, *still* doesn't read/understand facial expressions (except mine, he can *sometimes* pick up on mine).

There's no one size fits all.

Because "invisible disabilities" can be difficult to diagnose often the "sufferer" isn't taught in a way that works for him/her until later in life when it's finally diagnosed (and sometimes too late so that he/she will never be fully self-sufficient/able to live on their own).

All parents in this day and age need to look at their children a little more critically than they do and don't just necessarily believe "all kids do that when they're young but they grow out of it".

I'll mention to someone (that doesn't know my son or his age but does know he has Autism because I mentioned it) during a conversation that my son can't hang onto money, that it's gone from his pocket before it even gets there. That someone (who has a 10-year-old or so) responds with "oh yeah my kid has that same problem but they *all* do that when they're young, and they *all* grow out of it" ... and then I tell them that my son is 19 and he hasn't "grown out of it".

I'll mention to someone in a conversation (again they don't know him or his age but they know he has Autism) that my son can't follow a verbal list of more than 3 things to do (such as "put the dishes in the dishwasher, get all the trash (prep stuff such as butter wrappers, noodle packages, etc.) off of the counter, and sweep the floor"), he has to come back and ask me again and again what was he supposed to do. And also I'll tell the person I'm conversing with that although they're three tasks that I have him do regularly (repetition) he still misses *so* much, it's like the kitchen wasn't cleaned. The response? "Oh yeah my kid has that same problem but they *all* do that when they're young, and they *all* grow out of it" ... and then I tell them that my son is 19 and he hasn't "grown out of it".

There are so many "invisible disabilities" and they are rising rapidly and the sooner the child gets intervention the better. If you have even an *inkling* of a thought that something is "different" about your child get it checked out.

Unfortunately in 1995/1996 there wasn't as much information available.

My son was *slamming* (not banging and not rocking but slamming) his head every single day for an entire year (between 2 and 3 years old), on surfaces as hard as concrete, many episodes per day and many slams per episode (I have pictures showing the injuries he would sustain).

His pediatrician said "put a helmet on him, he'll grow out of it". It turned out he was suffering with severe ear infections for a year that the pediatricians and urgent care doctors kept missing and that one of the reasons for slamming his head was because of his ongoing, excruciating pain and pressure that wouldn't go away (important to note that he didn't bat at his ears or tug on them or anything).

A neurologist put him on a medication for hyperactivity and it made him go ballistic.

He saw a behavior specialist for many years. He saw a psychiatrist and psychologist for many years. He was put on many different medications.

He was *surrounded* by medical professionals for most of his life because I constantly had to take him in for something and not a single one of them ever suggested Autism. Even after a psychiatric hospital stay it wasn't brought up (he's had a total of three).

It was the psychologist at his middle school that mentioned the possibility.

Moms (and dads) you know your child better than his/her doctor does. Don't relent! Again if you have an inkling of a thought then research it and get your child checked out. Autism aside, if I had relented to the doctors when my son had Kawasaki Disease he would almost certainly be dead now (or have had a heart transplant). They treated him for everything under the sun (it was horrendous some of the things they did to him) and it finally took three doctors conferring together before it was finally figured out that he had KD.

If I had backed off and believed the original pediatrician's statement that he just had a cold or virus and would be fine, again he'd either be dead or have had a heart transplant.

Follow your instincts, follow your gut. Ignoring it won't make the problem go away, it will almost certainly make it worse.

Chasmodai - posted on 12/31/2012

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Diane, thank you for mentioning the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. A lot of people don't understand the difference. I have a child with sensory integration dysfunction, cognitive disability and developmental delay, (caused by a combination of genetic syndrome and a stroke that occurred as a result of a corrective heart surgery, rather than autism.) The point is that many people do not understand that while all children must learn how to behave, it's harder for kids who have neurological, physical, cognitive and or emotional disabilities.

Diane - posted on 12/31/2012

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Hi Megan! [this ended up being really long, I'm sorry]

My son is on the Autism Spectrum so I'm coming from an angle other than how to discipline a neuro-typical child.

One thing I would do is consider that his "opening and shutting the door" over and over (or any action over and over) could be his way of relieving anxiety. Maybe he experiences some type of anxiety over the outdoor, maybe something in the environment causes him anxiety and he does that with the door.

It might also be a "repetitive behavior".

Maybe he's trying to communicate and when he can't get across what he's trying to he gets upset.

I know some people here may jump on me for bringing up Autism, OCD, etc. but it might not be a bad idea to at least look at some of the symptoms online and go from there.

Don't just assume it's a purposeful misbehavior.

I always say, find the problem causing the behavior and fix that problem and the behavior will most likely stop. It won't work 100% of the time (for example I don't know that it would work as well with OCD) but it'll work most of the time.

Don't just take him into his doctor though until you've done a bit of research. And follow your gut. If you find something, or more than one something, that rings a bell regarding your son's behavior don't hesitate to get more info on it, print it out, and take it to his doctor.

I wish that 16/17 years ago this option (and "today's" advanced knowledge over "yesterday's knowledge") had been available to me because my son may have been diagnosed at that age rather than at 12 years of age.

Temper tantrums - are you sure they're not melt-downs? Typically melt-downs cannot be stopped so much as managed. Sometimes they're physically harmless, sometimes they're not. Sometimes it takes holding the child (basically restraining the child in your arms but in a gentle way) so that they don't harm themselves or someone else.

Watch some videos on YouTube about melt-downs vs. temper tantrums. Also about repetitive behaviors. (include the word *autism* and/or *asperger's* in some of your searches)

One bit of advice... Jump on it now before he gets any older. IF he does happen to be on the Autism Spectrum the sooner he's diagnosed the better prognosis he'll have.

And if he is diagnosed with it (or anything) don't be afraid of it.

When my son was diagnosed at 17 months with Kawasaki Disease (KD) I was relieved because he'd been dying in my arms for 5 months. Even though it (KD) can be a horrendous thing to have and can be fatal at least I finally had a direction to go and was able to help him.

At 12 when he was diagnosed with Autism (Asperger's Syndrome) I was relieved to have finally found out what had been plaguing him (and all of us) for his life. It wasn't like he had contracted it overnight so it wasn't a shock (such as a sudden brain injury or something like that would be). And I finally had a direction to go to help him.

Another reason to not be afraid of a diagnosis ...

Most parents are afraid of their children being "labeled" but my son's world opened up (as best it could for him) once he was finally "labeled" and placed on an IEP and put into a "special-ed" class (temporarily) in 8th grade.

Even the librarian who had *hated* him prior because she considered him a huge problem causer (he was bullied horrendously but made to look like the problem causer) fell in love with him once he was "labeled".

I don't hold any love for her over the situation but my point being to don't be afraid of "labels" as in today's day and age, with the school personnel overworked as they are and therefore less attentive to what is really going on, many will automatically pay more attention to your child. But you have to be the "squeaky wheel".

And someone in here mentioned 1-2-3 Magic. It says it's for kids through 12. My son was 14/15/16 when I was using it on him and it worked (with modifications on my part).

I didn't have it when he was younger so I don't if it would have worked back then or not but as I reflect back I'm thinking most probably it would not have because although he was 2 years old chronologically he was *much* younger cognitively. Even at 19 chronologically and considered high-functioning he still is cognitively not any older than maybe 14/15 (but even *much* younger than that in some respects).

Just some thoughts ... I just wanted to add a different perspective if it hasn't been put in here somewhere already (not enough time to read all of the replies/submissions)...

Good luck with it all no matter which way you go. :)

And Happy New Year! :)
Diane

Christine Elizabeth - posted on 12/30/2012

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Well I am a firm believer in but spankings, but I went out and baught the door things that go on the door that are supose to keep them from opening the door. Trust me it works.

Tammie - posted on 12/29/2012

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Try a little smack on the hand or the diaper and always say no. If he is as stubborn as mine was; I had to purchase a safety gate and nail it down to the porch so just it case he would run out toward the road. Trust me he maybe stubborn now but he will become calmer it just takes time.

Maranda - posted on 12/28/2012

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My kids are grown now (26, 21, and 18), but here's what I did when they wouldn't stop doing something I didn't approve of: I ignored them. The more attention you give a child, especially at the age of tantrums, the more they'll do what gets them the attention. As long as he's in a safe place with no danger of hurting himself, let him open and shut the door all he wants. It annoys you because you're a grown-up and we've been programmed by parents telling us to shut the door because we're letting all the heat/cold air out (like: "Are you trying to air-condition the whole neighborhood?!?"). Eventually, he'll get the message that this no longer gets your attention and will stop the behavior. When my kids were little, I made it a point to talk to them as I would another human being and let them know that the only way I would respond was if they spoke as correctly as possible to articulate their needs. No spanking, no time outs, and only when they were a bit older would I take away privileges or toys as punishment. I hope this helps you. I wish you luck!

Merlisa - posted on 12/28/2012

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My son will be 7 in a few weeks and I continue to do now what I did then redirect. Kids are not obediant like a pet - you will have to speak over and over again. Its annoying to say the least but stay on it. He will be 18 in a minute asking you for keys to YOUR car! LOL, Good Luck!

Candy - posted on 12/28/2012

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Hi Megan. I'm not going to tell you to redirect him, even though it might work sometimes. Your son is trying to tell you something, and it's time to work out what that is.

He may be saying that he needs you to be in control, ie to set firm boundaries. When he does something like keeping opening the door, physically stop him but use gentle hands yourself and a gentle tone of voice. Take both his hands in yours and say "I won't let you do that" very firmly. Then tell him why the door has to be shut, in very simple language- get in the habit of saying WHY the limit is there (it will stand you in good stead as he gets older)- eg "It lets the flies in and they make our food bad so we get sick" or whatever. If he screams and cries, and he probably will, just keep holding his hands firmly and let him have his tantrum. Say "I hear you are upset and you want to keep opening the door but I won't let you because of the flies." Be firm but calm. As the tantrum goes on, say "I am here to give you a cuddle when you're finished being angry." Let him get all those angry feelings out while you are close by and holding his hands. When he's ready, he may well reach out for that cuddle so you can reconnect.

Do this EVERY TIME he goes for that door. Don't get upset yourself. He needs you to be in control. He needs you to be calm and consistent.

Now, I know some people will say this is being a soft touch, but it's NOT. It's giving a FIRM limit while still showing love. THAT is what your baby needs- limits with love. If you are harsh and punish him for having these big feelings about limits (which is a perfectly normal stage for toddlers), he will feel even more insecure and will act out more. The idea is to make him feel safe that your love is unconditional without letting him run wild in what he does.

I swear that this works. Give it a try, hey?

Mary - posted on 12/28/2012

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Each kid responds to things in different ways. Very strong-willed children don't respond well to spankings. And some children don't respond well to time out. You just have to find something that woris well for your child. My sister has 4 strong-willed children and when she started potty training, the only way to get 2 of her girls to stop wetting was to tell them that they had to be big girls to go to school. The wetting stopped almost instantly. I had to be spanked sometimes to get the message. It just depends on the child.

Bethany - posted on 12/27/2012

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In response to the woman above who said that a 15 month old can't understand the word no.... they abdolutely can. I have been working with toddlers and babies for years and the most out of control toddlers I see are the ones who's parents believe this and their children don't gave any boundaries at home. If you are always redirecting or baby profing the child doesn't learn that are some things you just can't have or do. Obviously you don't want to leave dangerous things within teacher. But things such as the tv remote - tell baby gentlt no no and put it back. If he takes it again make it a sterner no and put it back again. If he takes it again tepeat the stern no, out it back, and move baby away. It will be frustrating but babies are curoous and its the nature to touch things but they are fully capable of learning not to do certain things by 15 months. Toddlers are SO much smarter than people give them credit for.

Angela - posted on 12/27/2012

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I agree with Bethany and find what works. I work with eight toddlers five days a week, now ten that is just more fun then what I need in a day!!! : ) I also come home to a busy busy busy two year old. Did I say busy? You have to be patient with a toddler because their not born into the world knowing, they have to be taught. As a parent remember what and how you teach your child. Children pick up on the world around them earlier then what most parents think.

I found myself popping my two year old but I quickly learned he didn't need it. He need for me to give him more structure and be consistent with it.

Cecilia - posted on 12/26/2012

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Thank you Barbara, you said it better than i could. I'm the same way. I miss my teens being little. Maybe i understand and want that one on one time with my now toddler. Because i deal with 3 teens, i have learned how to be patient and speak softly.

Bethany, i would have never thought to take shoes lol. very creative. My baby is a shoe girl also.

Barbara - posted on 12/26/2012

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My now 15 year-old daughter has always had a self-directed attitude. What I missed in her early formative years was the feeling that she was actually seeking attention from me rather than willfully disobeying. At 16 months she was already headed for the terrible twos and the one thing I regret is that I didn't 'read' the situation more clearly. Had I to do it over again, I would have picked her up, cuddled her, played with her toes, sung songs to her and provided more distraction from what every had captured her fancy that she wan't allowed to play with. Jumping right into consequences and discipline may work for some situations (where they can actually get hurt), but for the most part what a little one through about the age of 2 1/2 really needs is mommy paying attention, giving them a few extra minutes of cuddles and 'just for me time', and worrying about the dishes, the laundry, the house cleaning after the episode is over, or even putting it off until tomorrow if need be. As the mother of a teenager, I long for a few of those moments back now and regret the times I may have missed the cue to 'hey mom, I want YOU right now'. Just my thoughts. Parenting isn't for sissies and if the toddler years are challenging, just wait until they are teenagers. You are enjoying the best years of their lives and yours as parents when the kids are little - they'll learn a lot more behaviors as they get into school and hang out with other kids. We just need to stay a step (or in my case now, 1/2 step) ahead of them, perceive the situations as clearly as possible without my 'triggers' muddying the water and respond as positively and as encouragingly as possible for them. There is a place for discipline and consequences, but under 5, it's all about love, encouragement, praise and resourcefulness as parents.

Bethany - posted on 12/26/2012

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As a mother of 2, daycare teacher of 10 toddlers, and former nanny, my biggest discipline trip is to get creative! Everyone immediatly thinks of time outside, hand pops and spankings but some kids couldn't care least about any of those things. I have a 1 1/2 year old in my classroom who Adores her shoes. When she is getting out of hand and refuses to obey I givr her a warning "if you don't give that toy back to your friend I'm going to take your shoes". She almost always gives it back but if not, I take her shoes!! She will cry for a minute and then when she is ready to do whatever I had asleep her to do, she does it! And then she gets her shoes back! After the first few times she quickly caught on to what at would happen if she didn't listen and how to get her shoea back if they got taken. When I was a stay at home I used to take my daughters pants. I know it sounds weird (and obviouslt its only an option at home) but that is what got through to her. You just have to find what works for your children. Just try different things until somesomethingworks and the

Jacquelyn - posted on 12/24/2012

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I disagree with little miss can't be wrong. She keeps saying that spanking or slapping your child's hand shouldn't be done. I'm sorry but my son, when he is not being good does get disciplined like that. I don't slap or spank him everytime but it does help the child to understand what is right and wrong. I had to slap my sons hand when he kept trying to plutonium his hand on a hot stove. He doesn't put his hand on the stove anymore. I made sure to tell him why he shouldn't put his hand on the stove though, my husband and I will be cooking and tell him the stove is hot and he repeats it so he knows not to touch the stove. Right now we are having to give him time out for his tantrums cause he gets mad and slaps people across the face. He picked up hitting from my husbands younger siblings and now every time he hits someone he gets to sit in time out, and I make him sit there until he is calm before I start the time. He has learned at 22 mo old that he is not going to hit and if he does he gets time out and then has to go say he is sorry. As far as having another baby that you are worried about your 15 mo hurting her, I would say keep telling the older one gentle and show them how to be gentle. I'm a little worried about that with our son cause our second baby is due in July, but on the other side of my mind I think he has 2 dogs at home we have taught him to be gentle with since he was born.

Cecilia - posted on 12/24/2012

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Maybe the difference is my daughter never has an outright fit. It's always a bit "sooky". I can only think of one time any of my children had an outright fit. It was on the sidewalk outside of the doctors.(she is now 12, at the time she was 3) I didn't want her to smack her head so i picked up her kicking and screaming, carried her to the car and strapped her into the car seat. She screamed the whole way home and soon as i got her inside she fell asleep. Thus i had no need for further punishment since it was over with,

Maybe i was blessed to have children who just never threw fits, or maybe i was doing something right to prevent them( like keeping a strict scheduled day)... who knows...

mary I've tried 1,2,3... i ended up saying one and she says,2,3,4,5,6 and i try to keep a strait face during this. i figured not to do it any more because if i laugh she isn't going to take me serious.

Mary - posted on 12/24/2012

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I used the 1,2,3 magic rule and it worked for me! Remember not all kids are the same and keep trying different things til you find something that works for you! Maybe keep a notebook of things he's doing and talk to a Dr. They may have some ideas for you too! Good Luck

Crystal - posted on 12/23/2012

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I'd like to clarify.

"If she gets too out of hand I put her in her room and have to literally hold the door closed while telling her to sit on her bed and calm down. " I do not do this regularly, it's happened once and that was about 4 days ago so it was fresh in my mind as to the -type- of fit I'm describing. Deliberate fits, spiteful and angry just because they do not want to, were told no and so on. When they are old enough to understand an explanation they are old enough to understand when mom means it and that being spiteful is not acceptable.

Not a child who is upset, in need of attention and feeling sooky, all that is completely understandable. My LO often wakes from her nap or in the mornings feeling a little weepy and sooky and needs cuddle time before getting into her day.

I don't want to leave anyone thinking I'm 'mother dearest'. I'm in love with my daughter like every good mother should be, I dote on her and give her all the best of me. But I'm oldschool. I do believe in the technique my mother used on me and my brother and we were never confused as to whether we were loved. Never felt neglected or abused. I just learned really young when my mother was serious and what I could expect if I chose to (insert disrespectful behaviour).

Lois - posted on 12/23/2012

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This is a thought provoking conversation. Very enjoyable ladies=)

I remember when my teen used to throw herself on the floor when she was little. Fortunately that time we nipped it in the bud early. A nice squeeze to the hand and close face eye contact while mommy says "NO" sternly. She was responsive. I do believe we had to spank once as well. She was throwing herself down like her peer at daycare.

But then....I had more kids and I wish I could say I was as diligent=)
My next 2 kids were not as motivated to obey mommy unless they were sure I meant whatever I asked them to do. One would even smile as he did wrong! As if I couldn't see him do it...haha.

Anyway, the throwing a fit on the floor, going limp behavior set in a bit more with my other child.
That meant more work since I didn't nip it early...so I used the isolation technique I mentioned with kid #2 alot. It worked for him. With my 3rd child the hand squeeze kinda worked and a swot when she was being openly defiant. I don't remember being too stern with her since my older 2 were under 7yo and I was swamped. It was not that much of an issue.

I tried to not let them "see me sweat" in the store. LOL.

Since I had a relative who used to "work" their mom in the stores all the time because she would back down. I noticed this ability in her at such a sweet early age. I was amazed.

Because of this I have tried not to visibly react when my kids put on a fit in stores. If it was a genuine need I tried to handle it quickly...snack, drink, diaper, potty, attention, a toy. But personally, power struggles with little ones seem to trigger a button in me...we default to "Mommy decides" and they choose if they want to cry or not. I stand them up, pick them up and tell them what they need to do. If it becomes a scene we leave or I ask Dad to take them to the car.

Many times a simple distraction will do after this store episode. Not always....I have left too many items in the store=)

Sorry, to say. We are in this mode again, since the twins are 3 and testing mom=) Its just a phase. In fact TONITE, I dealt with this...haha. Fortunately, we were home and she sat on her bed quietly with music until ready to not have another fit. She really needed "Mommy Time", so I sat to give her one-on-one attention for a while. She was clingy and needed love most of all. That was why she was acting up.

Hope this helps...

Barbara - posted on 12/23/2012

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I would suggest putting him in a time out place - like a play pen where you can monitor him - not for too long - be stern with your no's and be consistent - that is the key. He understands what he is doing - he needs to know that you will not accept the behaviour - otherwise you will be in even bigger trouble later. Don't worry - kids instinctively know to stop a behaviour before you kill them ;-)

Angela - posted on 12/23/2012

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Megan
At this age children mock and start to become independent among other things. We as parents use different forms of discipline. My 2 yr old is very curious about everything, so I take the time to explain things to him. Children understand more then you think at this age. Also a child's memory is not good at this age so that is why you find yourself saying it a million times in one day. Please just keep saying it and explain why you don't want your child to do what it is that he is doing. Example opening the door, explain to him it's not safe to open without mommy and daddy (adult). So when you do go outside let him get the door, children LOVE responsibility at this age (little helpers)! I agree with little miss can't be wrong, get on his level teach him how he should give his sister soft touches. Also let him help you with her like bringing you her shoe or diaper and clap (reward) when he does something great! Yes teeth can change a child's mood. I fine myself counting to three and explaining to my son what I need from him. Also giving him a warning before I do something. Example, he loves to touch the tv. So I give him three chances. First I tell him the tv is made for looking at not touching (teach before you discipline). Second time he does it I tell him mommy doesn't like when you touch the tv, you may break it, its made to sit down and look at or go play in your room. Third time I tell him I need you to sit down to watch tv, if you touch it again mommy is going to turn it off. By the third time am counting 1...2...3... He sits down on two. If he touches it after the third time (following through its very important) the tv goes off. He may have his tantrum in a safe place. I wait until he is finish and explain to him I am sorry your upset but you don't touch the tv.
Give your child options of different things you need him to do. Example with touching the tv, I let my son know you may sit down and watch tv or go to your room to play.
Please take his bottle. Tell him big boys drink from a cup and babies (like sister) drink from a bottle.

Cecilia - posted on 12/22/2012

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Mentally there is a huge difference between a 28 month old and a 15 month old. Yes at 28 months i expect her to understand when i tell her things. A child just being told no doesn't understand what was done wrong. All they know is if i don't stop doing everything right now i'm going to have my hand smacked. Without an understanding of where they were wrong, they have no way to fix it the next time.

I think that many parents don't realize that the child's purpose isn't to piss you off. They are trying to get attention. Positive or negative doesn't matter. As far as me hugging my child when she is upset, that's my way.

I do find it offensive that you said this is what is wrong with children now. I have a 15,13,and 12 year old. They were raised with kindness, and they are not bad children/teens. My oldest was actually nominated to go to sheriffs camp over the summer ( only 2 kids per school district were invited, and only those who were considered to be kind and giving with decent grades)

i can not say i have never walked away from a fit. I have. Not to teach them a lesson but to calm myself down. I do disagree with slapping a child. That is just me though... I think if a parent shows aggression, you get aggression back. If you show love and understanding, you get that back. I know i screw up and sometimes i need them to have some understanding with me also.

I do find it to be horrible to put a baby that age in the room and hold the door closed on them. How scary that would be for her! I can't even imagine doing such a thing. It's one thing to let them have a fit in the middle of the livingroom and just cry it out. It's another to lock them up.

I hope that your way works for you and you end up with a giving and loving child. There is no true right or wrong answer. I was smacked as a child and i came out okay. With that said I refused to parent the same as my parents did. Living in fear shouldn't be a child's life in my opinion.

Crystal - posted on 12/22/2012

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So you're telling me your child is old enough to understand 'no more oranges tonight but you can have one in the morning' agreeing with your terms, hopping off your lap and carrying on but she's too young to understand when mom says NO if she repeats she will have consequences?! Yeah okay.
If your child is at a stage they truly cannot understand limits set then no, I don't think smacking them is the right course of action. I also wouldn't think to spank or slap a child that isn't nearly 3 and had come into understanding set limits. If a child deliberately, and yes they can be very spiteful before 3, acts out, punishment is appropriate. The method of punishment is set by the parents and their belief.. and there's nothing wrong with that. I also didn't say anything about "yelling back", I use stern tones.. that's more than enough. I don't believe in getting into screaming matches with your children, it's counterproductive. There are few circumstances where you'd need to yell at your child.. like if they were about to run into the street, or jump off the top bunk bed.

My LO who is 29 months understands NO, and HAS understood NO clearly since approx 14 months. Although even before that she would stop what she was doing but I knew that redirection was appropriate with her very small attention span. Even still she has a small attention span. However, she is VERY capable of giving me a sly smile when she's up to no good and about to do something deliberately because I said no. So.. I react to her appropriately. I'm not slap happy. I have smacked her maybe 4x max and had decided it wasn't working so we tried another course of action. However, the times she's decided she was going to kick me out of anger I have and will likely always slap her. Then I proceed to explain to her that she hurt me, so mommy hurt her, and it makes us sad so we say sorry and don't do it again etc.

As far as hugging your children, no I don't think it's appropriate to coddle a child who is throwing a shit fit because they've been denied something. Almost all of my daughters fits are because she didn't get what she wanted. I'm not about to hug her and let her know that screaming like a child being beat near to death is okay or that I will give her lots of love when she acts out. I love her.. and I tell and show her that all the time, she is not confused nor does she think we don't love her because we choose to ignore bad behaviour. If she gets too out of hand I put her in her room and have to literally hold the door closed while telling her to sit on her bed and calm down. Then I go in and ask her if she's done and calmed down, and if so she can come out. She also has to apologize for her bad behaviour, it is not acceptable nor will it ever be. She is more than capable of understanding us.

Every child is different, perhaps mine has a clear sense and comprehension early, I don't know. I just know my child. Even at 15 months I wouldn't have hugged her and gave her boat loads of kisses because she was having a fit. I would have redirected her. That was age appropriate. But no.. I don't think reenforcing & rewarding bad behaviour is a great method.

Cecilia - posted on 12/21/2012

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Crystal, you really believing that hugging your child is why youth are the way they are?? Actually in most cases it seems the opposite is true. Shoot even look at psychological...Serial killers don't come from mommy's that hug them.. sorry just not the way it works.

It's a baby for crying out loud. giving them a hug and helping them know they are loved isn't a bad thing. Yelling at them and smacking them because they can't figure out how to say "i'm hungry and i want fruit snacks" isn't a positive message.

mind you i'm not saying to have a free for all and not set limits. ( nor was she) Nor am i saying there isn't a time or a place for a little pop on the butt. (although I can't imaging doing this until around the age of 3)

My daughter had a fit tonight because she kept going in the kitchen and getting oranges and eating them. i moved them where she couldn't reach. she had a fit over that. I took her into the bedroom sat on the bed with her and scratched her head until she calmed down enough to listen.(maybe about 3 minutes) I then told her no more oranges tonight, but you can have one for breakfast. She said okay mommy and climbed off my lap and went about her business. You're telling me that this is the wrong way to do it??? If you're telling me yelling back and putting her in time out and leaving her alone is a more productive way to raise a child... then maybe the whole world is in trouble.

Cecilia - posted on 12/21/2012

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My daughter is 26 months and this is how i do things with her. --- this is important because all children are very different.

First of all stay calm. You being agitated only makes it worse. I'm sure everyone is saying easier said than done. If you can't stay calm in the situation- feel free to take a time out. Simply tell your child, mommy is upset right now so i'm going to leave for a minute.

My daughter's fits seem to stem from her wanting something and isn't saying. First i ask her to use her words. If she doesn't say anything after a few moments i ask her to show me. That usually works.

Sometimes she gets upset because i'm not allowing her to do something or i take something away. The first thing i do in this situation is what we call a break. It's like a timeout but it isn't. I pick her up and we leave together and sit on the steps.She will typically open the curtain right there and look out the window. Sometimes just leaving the situation helps within a few minutes.

In the kitchen she loves to help. There are cabinets which she is allowed and one's she isn't. I used to keep the one locked and sometimes i would leave it open just to let her try. When she would i would simply tell her she isn't allowed in that one. If she didn't get out of it she wouldn't be allowed to play in either.

I always talk to her like she is older than she is. For example. I tell her she can't play with something because it is dangerous and i don't want her to get hurt. I do not use the word no. I do not use a "stern" voice with her.

I wonder why him messing with the door bothers you... If it is because he does it over and over again? If so set limits. Tell him you can open and close it 3 times. After that it is time to play ball. Give clear consequences to actions with a chance for them to correct them. For example, he messes with the door and it's dangerous...Before you even open the door tell him If you close the door we will have to go inside. Soon as he does it tell him okay time to go in. Do this over and over and eventually he will get that you will follow through.

I now have a 15, 13 and 12 year old all raised this way. Mind you as they get older rules change. I always talk first. I raised them on my own and they are good kids even in their awkward teen stages. Even now i try to keep a calm voice, ask them why they are acting out, explain to them why not to do it, set limits and consequences. Giving hugs too when they let me.

[deleted account]

I feel so sad for your baby.

Please read some parenting books or take a workshop. Learn something about early childhood development. He isn't old enough to understand "no"....

At the very least, get him a play pen so he can have a safe place to play without having things that interest him being constantly taken away.

Chantelle - posted on 12/21/2012

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My son is 20 months old now and his tantrums are getting worse and worse. I don't hit or spank him and I'll admit he's probably not the best behaved but I try to make him understand before I have to punish him. When he doesn't listen and does things to act out like throwing everything on the floor (if he doesn't pick it back up) I make him sit on his bum for a minute. If he throws himself back or wont put his feet on the ground. I put him on the floor and walk away. You either have to give time outs or ignore what he's doing. It works. It's hard to punish him when were out at a store and he really starts to take advantage of that, but for the most part it works and he'll stop it. It might take some time for him to figure out that if he does something bad he gets a time out but after a few times (like ten or more times) he should figure it out.

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2012

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I believe comforting a child while having an all out deliberate screaming tantrum teaches them that if they flip out each and every time they don't get what they want, they'll get rewarded with hugs and kisses. Rather than telling your child you do not understand screaming or crying and/or walking away and ignoring them until they do settle down then asking them what it is they want/need etc.

Sounds like a baaad idea to me and if that it the path these new-wave parents have been taking for the last 15+ years.. it makes sense why so many youth these days are the way they are. Parents afraid to parent and bribing/being friends rather than setting limits and sticking to them.

Ayls - posted on 12/20/2012

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I understand how you feel, my son is 1 year and 10 month old now, and when he was on the same age as your son, he also tends to do things on his way. Whenever he does things, which I know eventually will hurt him or if it causes some annoyance, I always tell him that it is wrong or bad. Though, at this age, he can't fully comprehend these things, but I am trying to let him understand what is good or not. I also try to redirect his attention, so he won't be doing those things.

Coralie - posted on 12/20/2012

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A parents comfort and love at times of distress is what teaches a child to self regulate their emotions. To be stable and responsible adults who can manage emotions appropriately we need to leard to self regulate. We do not do this by being left alone to calm down we learn it through being comforted at times of distress.
A child who cannot self regulate emotions in later years is a child who is unruly and has behavioural challenges - anger, depression, lack social skills.
A 15 month old needs as much nurture and comfort as possible to learn the skill of how to calm themselves after an upset. All stable adults have this skill to a certain degree - the others have anger issues or mental health problems.

Ashli - posted on 12/20/2012

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you can spank his hand not 2 hard and tell him no! and teach him what you dont want him to touch I did it with my daughter, and i even swatted her on her butt and told her no, and she is 4 yrs old now and understands what no is.

Crystal - posted on 12/20/2012

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Yeah that doesn't communicate well. Although, if a 2/3/4/5 year old decided to throw a fit and in frustration hit or kicked at mom or dad.. I'd say give em a crack on the ass ;p

But no.. you don't spank your toddler because they're frustrated with a situation and unable to deal with it. They don't know how to deal with their emotions yet. The best thing a parent can do is show them that regardless of how much noise or disturbance they cause, it will not get a reaction, not negative nor positive. Walk over top them and busy yourself with something else until they've calmed down. Or stick them in their room if they're that upset.

They have to learn how to properly communicate their feelings. So once they've calmed down, or when you have a seconds in between wailing, tell LO 'I don't understand why you're upset'... 'you need to calm down and tell mommy what's wrong? What do you want?" Or like I said, stick em in their room, and when they've calmed down tell them, 'now you're calm, what was wrong?? "

Mary - posted on 12/20/2012

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This is my point exactly. Although kids are very smart, they don't know how to get what they need out. My son tries to tell me things sometimes, and if I don't understand him, he gets very upset. Spanking a child when having a tantrum is like beating an adult when someone speaks a foreign language and they don't understand.

Barbara - posted on 12/20/2012

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I think you are right. At 15 months they are speaking a completely different language that we are. Imagine being in a foreign country where no one speaks English, we'd feel lost and a little afraid but being adults we would feel frustration but hopefully would not express it inappropriately. Kids don't have this control mechanism yet, especially little ones. They need something and don't yet have the language skills needed to express it to us. I'd love him, hold him close and let the tantrum run out in a safe setting. Go back later for a toddler 'sorry, mommy' and start over again.

Lois - posted on 12/19/2012

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Do you try isolation? We would put them in their crib for a set amount of time after the stern warning and chat. I do check on them of course, the door is open but they have to stay until they calm down and apologize.

Or, sometimes with a strong will child we have to break it up and take them out of crib/bed to come down and apologize and if they don't.... they go back and start over. No toys or playing of course. For me, I will choose calm soothing music to help them calm down.

It may take a tough day or two but usually no matter what discipline method you use. I read a James Dobson book years ago that said they respond to parental resolve. That stuck with me. So I keep a serious face and I look in their eyes as a tell them, with a even tone that I want them to do....X. Boys are pretty tough at times, so even if I have to go cry later, I play stern mom and ride the situation through to avoid a power struggle. If they get me into a power struggle....I have to redirect. "Mommy loves you and you need to obey mommy...now"

Celine Danielle - posted on 12/18/2012

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Have u been praying for Patience?.... I know this may sound irritating but you have to just keep on redirecting and chasing him around to make sure you are there when he tries to do something you dont want him to. Tell him "No Touch". Babies dont have a very long attention span so cut it short. My son is almost three and he is getting tougher discipline now , we take away the things he likes such as a certain toy or cartoons because time out and spankings dont work for us. Maybe he thinks its funny, he's doing it out of pure entertainment, things will get better. N what worked for us when our children had/ still have temper tantrums, ignore them! If you feed into the behavior it will never stop, trust me. I did/do that, the tantrums only lasts for seconds now, when I start to walk away all of a sudden the tantrum stops. Probably because they realized it wasnt going to work. lol Hang in there :))))

Coralie - posted on 12/17/2012

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Temper tantrums are normal at this age. He will grow out of it. He is just realising he is a seperate person to you and has a will of his own and he is going to use it for a while.
How to stop him plkaying with the door - just keep doing what you are doing. It takes time to teach him. Also praise him when he is not doing it and keep trying distraction m- offering something more interesting. Please dont him. At that age he doesnt understand it and learns nothing except how to hit. Next he will be hitting other kids and you will be wondering how to stop that - and that is a whole lot harder than playing with a door.

Lauren - posted on 12/17/2012

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I read an article a long time ago that went something like this - when a child is acting really good, silly or goofy, adults make fools of themselves cooing, making silly faces etc, no matter where the are or who's watching, but when their behavior is unacceptable we get stern. The suggestion was if your toddler is throwing a temper tantrum, join him in a silly way, big foot stomping, exaggerated faces, over the top drama. I tried it and it worked for us, he got caught up in the silly, was diverted, and was far less stressful fo me. My fson went through the door thing too, I put a hook n eye st the top of the door out of reach inside n out. On my storm doors I put the larch high up too, it may confuse your visitors but its really effective and they can't get in or out without you. Hope this helps

Crystal - posted on 12/17/2012

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I agree with Teal, at 15-20+ months they do not have the capacity to understand or benefit from time outs. It should be reserved for when they are 3+ years old.

Children do not always throw temper tantrums because we as the adults are not understanding their needs. Many times it's frustration in general. Perhaps because they DO want a drink and we don't know that, many times because mommy said 'no you are not having cake at 9am'... enter tantrum state.

I personally sooooo disagree with giving hugs when a toddler is throwing a tantrum. It would be a lot more beneficial to ignore the tantrum than reward it.

Although it is not illegal to hit your child in Canada, ... it is illegal to abuse and beat a child, naturally. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. But I fully support those who would raise a hand to their child (age appropriate) to instill what behaviour is acceptable and what will not be tolerated. It is our jobs first and foremost to prepare our children to be respectable and well behaved adults. I see the last generation of children who are now in their teens and I think to myself, no wonder they are as disconnected, spoiled, bratty, punk faced disrespectful shits as they are... a huge majority. Because they were raised by parents who were afraid to parent. You cannot prepare a child to be well adjusted in society by catering to their demands, or giving into the care-bear mentality and fear of reprisal for disciplinary actions.

TealRose - posted on 12/17/2012

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No child needs or should be put in 'time out'. Especially as tiny toddlers. They just do not have the capacity of thought to be able to work out WHY they are being ostrasized. They can't learn to 'calm down' alone. They learn to SHUT down. Why not TEACH your children by being with them and having a time IN.


As for hitting children .... most people I know respect children just as they do adults - and do not hit them. It's also illegal here to hit a child at home or at school and the children here are calm, gentle and very kind on the most part.

When did hitting you as an adult ever HELP you to learn anything except anger and pain and resentment? Why would you want to teach that and violence to a child ?

Anna Del C - posted on 12/17/2012

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Take him to a therapist and see if they can find something you can do. He could just be trying out his wing and figure you do nothing when you tell him NO.
Have you try time out in his crib?
or his high chair?
If you remove him from that you don't want him to do the sec on time he do it again he will get the idea. (This will work only if you are constant and place him in a harmless yet boring place for his time out.)
Best to you.
Anna del C. Dye
for clean tales of Elfs & Romance
http://www.annadelc.com

A Nora - posted on 12/17/2012

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At 15 months, he is not the problem. You are. He is attempting to find out how much control he has and when you show that you don't have the patience to continue firm continuous discipline in situations as this, then he continues because you have shown him that he has the power and control. At time it may 2 or three times using the same course or it may take 20. But when you are consistent, eventually he will give in. With the temper tantrums, talk to him and put him in a quite spot or disciple corner. Letting him know that there are consequences to his behavior . This training or lesson starts early. The only way to train your child is not only with love but patience and disciplining yourself.

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