How do I explain puberty to my transgender child?

Jen - posted on 04/17/2012

im 30 years old and all u saying educational crap i dont need to hear it. i was just trying to help the mom to not listen to all of u. And let her be a girl the way god wanted her to be. And raise her that way tell she is old enough to know better. sorry i get offended easily
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Then I would refer you to your own Bible. Matthew 5:36-46

Jen - posted on 04/17/2012

funny thing is none of u know her personally so none of u know what she needs.

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Are you being ironic on purpose?

Marcia - posted on 04/17/2012

It is so good that you are so supportive, so well done. You seem to have an honest open relationship with your daughter, so I feel you have a good foundation to approach puberty issues. I do feel you need support and help to deal with any major decisions, as it is not just as simple as a change of sex for your daughter, it is a whole life change for your daughter in a world that is not so open or accepting of life changes they do not understand or have any empathy for. This must be very distressing for your daughter as well as you and I do hope that she/he copes and finds the strength to be the person who he/she is comfortable with. I am in England and there are some useful resources here that may be of use, there has been several books and papers that maybe helpful or a contact for you. http://www.tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/ge... and http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/New%20Merma...

Samantha - posted on 04/17/2012

I also have no advice and I also want to say that you are absolutely wonderful mother!! This is great to read!! I wish you and your family well and I hope you find all the answers as much as you can!!

Angela - posted on 04/17/2012

I was quite shocked when I read Kim’s opening post – but I am not in Kim’s shoes nor am I in the shoes of her child. It is far too simplistic to say she’s a girl and that’s that ….

Gender dysphoria IS a genuine condition and this mother has already consulted with specialists about this concern.

I think the gender-blocker medication would be an excellent idea. If the child changes her/his way of thinking a little further down the line, she may still go through normal female puberty when the drugs are withdrawn. Alternatively, if the child sticks with the original decision that he/she is definitely male, avoiding the female puberty transition will ensure a transgendered adulthood carries less stress than if the body had gone through puberty in the unwanted physical gender! Win/win! Can’t see how anyone could question the use of the hormone blockers!

I read the weblink someone provided and it said that:

“Zucker conducted a study following 109 boys who had gender identity disorder between the ages of 3 and 12. Researchers followed up at the mean age of 20 and found 12% of these boys continued to want to change genders.
"The vast majority of children lose their desire to be of the other gender later," he said. "So what that means is that one should be very cautious in assuming say that a 6-year-old who has strong desire to be of the other gender will feel that way 10 years later."
All of this leads to unsettling answers for families trying to understand their children. No one knows whether a child's gender dysphoria will continue forever or if it is temporary …”

So it’s not necessarily permanent when a child’s biological gender is at variance with their mental gender. But for those who might turn out to be permanently of the opposite gender that that they were born with, it’s excellent that specialist medical help is available.

Some of the posts on this thread have been quite judgemental. As with other issues in life (homosexuality in particular) those of us who have “normal” health and “normal” sexuality and no gender dysphoria whatsoever – talk is cheap! We’ve never lived through these challenges or our children haven’t experienced them either. It’s far too easy to sit in judgement and point the finger.

It’s admirable that Kim is doing what she can for her child and it is also very humbling that she should approach the other mothers on the Forum for guidance & counsel. Just hope she wasn’t disheartened or despairing by some of the negative answers.

Kristin - posted on 04/17/2012

Hi Kim,

What a challenging situation for you and your family...first of all, let me say that you are doing an amazing thing by letting your child express her/himself as he feels; you've given your child a great gift by accepting them just as they are. I would suggest that you keep talking to your child, and explaining how the body develops; also have you sought out any therapy for your child? There are several resources out there for transgender individuals, and they could help you with some tools to help everyone cope with the situation. Most important, though, is your continued love and support for your child, as well as open and honest communication. Obviously, no medical interventions can take place at this young age, so all you can do is offer support.

I wholeheartedly disagree with those who say your child is "confused"...children are often more perceptive and open to their own feelings than adults are, because they have yet to develop that filter that tells them what they are "supposed" to be. Your child knows. I think you are absolutely honoring that when you allow that expression.

Salisha - posted on 04/17/2012

Sorry but your child is only confused about gender. Kids just need a little explanation nit an adult's view of sexuality!! You call your daughter a him and support the fact that she wants to be a him!!. At 10!!! PLEASE DON'T BUY INTO ALL THIS GENDER ISSUE CRAP THEY PLASTER ALL OVER TV & RADIO!! YOUR CHILD is 10 & HAS NO CLUE OF THE REAL MEANING OF THIS!! DON"T FILL THEIR HEADS WITH ADULT SEXUALITY CRAP!!

Lori - posted on 04/17/2012

I agree with this mom whole heartedly. Your daughter IS a gift from GOD and though SHE struggles with her identity, it's your job to lead her in the right direction. Seek out a counselor of Christian faith if that is what you believe and continue to recognize her as your daughter. Don't let society drive she and you in the wrong direction. What she decides to do later is going to be up to her. For now it's up to you to help her accept and cherish who she is today.

Amy - posted on 04/17/2012

There was an article in the Boston Globe called "Led by the Child Who Knew," and I'm pretty sure they talked about a group of specialists that deal with transgender children specifically as well as offer family support. I think it's wonderful how supportive you are of your child, but perhaps consulting with those who specialize in transgender issues would helpful.

Krista - posted on 04/17/2012

Harmony, you are assuming that your thoughts and experiences are identical to that of the OP's child. And it is very hurtful for you to say that you hope that this is their only child.

And it is simplistic to say "you're not a boy, because boys have penises". Have you never heard of hermaphrodism? There are boys out there who lack a penis, and there are girls out there who have them. Despite what your faith may tell you, not everybody is born with everything the way it is "supposed" to be.

Monica - posted on 04/17/2012

I took a class on this the other day at UCSF, there is a transgender center in Los Angeles that helps parents with their children that are transgender, they actually have products that can delay puberty so as the child grows up they can make a better decision on what they want to do, etc. it is completely reversible so once they stop taking the meds they will have puberty.

Hope this helps

Harmony - posted on 04/17/2012

Krista, I'm not trying to attack or be negative. But this seriously worries me. Knowing how I was as a kid... helping this child she is a boy when she is clearly NOT a boy... it just can't possibly be the right move! Support her in enjoying the same things as boys! No problem! But this child is a girl. And to call your child, who's just turned 10, a transgender?? How can that be a good thing? How did the conversation "you're not a boy because boys have penises" never come about? Hopefully this is their only child...

Krista - posted on 04/17/2012

Please keep in mind, everybody, that the OP's child IS receiving counseling and care, to deal with this issue. So it's not a case of the mother just going, "Oh, so you think you're a boy? Okay, then!"

Dove - posted on 04/17/2012

So what if you're 30? I'm 35 and learn new things all the time. It's a sad day when a person thinks they know all they need to know and shuts their mind off to ever learning anything new.



Heck, my four year old 'teaches' me things all the time.

Krista - posted on 04/17/2012

Ladies, stop with the bickering and personal attacks. I do not want to have to delete any more posts.

Thank you,
Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Harmony - posted on 04/17/2012

When I was younger, I used to say I wanted to be a boy and I was very much so a "tomboy". When I got into my teens, I was absolutely sure that I was a bi-sexual because of the attraction I felt towards women. As a grown adult, and a mother of two, I understand the value of supporting your children and making them feel understood and loved no matter what. HOWEVER, she is a child. Many of these feelings are simply phases. I thank God my parents didn't support me and start referring to me as a boy after the multiple times I told them I wished I could be a boy. I think it's best to let your child know that you understand their feelings, and they may be as boyish as they like. but God made her a girl and that was for a reason. SHE may change her feelings in the future, and I think that pushing your CHILD further along this path of "Yes, YOU'RE MORE RIGHT THAN GOD, you SHOULD be a boy!" is going to seriously damage your child. I'm trying not to be judgmental, but think of all the phases you went through as you were growing into an adult, and phases that you go through AS an adult. And I would be pretty certain that alot of the anxiety she feels is directly related to the "support" her parents give her. I'm saddened for how confusing that must be for her. As for "her brain knows she's a boy"... what about people that are convinced in their head that they are vampires... Do you believe people should support that??? Or do you believe they should receive help to overcome this confusion?? It's hard to think you are doing the right thing when I know so many young girls that are tomboys, refuse to wear girly things and mostly have boy friends and do boy things.

Jammie - posted on 04/17/2012

im 30 years old and all u saying educational crap i dont need to hear it. i was just trying to help the mom to not listen to all of u. And let her be a girl the way god wanted her to be. And raise her that way tell she is old enough to know better. sorry i get offended easily

Chandra - posted on 04/17/2012

why because i have educated you on children?
used my schooling...?

Chandra - posted on 04/17/2012

Hey Jammie, just an FYI and an educational point for you.. you have until your child is 7 years old to instill the life skills you want to teach them. cuz by then they are their own person. that you learn in Early cihldhood education :)

Chandra - posted on 04/17/2012

she wasnt putting you down but your going to take it that way cuz your all uppity up right now about this. Your going to end up with big problems in your life if you cant open your mind and learn to bend to possibilities. and thats not a threat or a bullying responce its called Karma and Syncronisity. Im a living proof of it. No matter to you about my life but your the one whos being the bully here with the negitivity of how this mother is rasing her child.. and btw i thought you were done?

Dove - posted on 04/17/2012

I haven't responded to this post because I don't have a clue how I would handle any of it. I just want to say, Jammie must have zero experience w/ 10 year old kids to think they don't know anything. Are they fully mature? No, of course not, but they are fully capable of knowing right from wrong and what is in THEIR own heart and head. How can ANYONE, regardless of age, say what is or is not true in another person's heart and head?! THAT is absurd.



Kim, good luck to you and your child! I fully admit that this weirds me out and if it were my child I wouldn't have a clue what to say, do, or how to react. You sound like an awesome mom though and I have no doubt that with your help and some outside guidance your child will grow up and be ok. ♥

Chandra - posted on 04/17/2012

if your crying over how somoeone chooses to raise their child thats sad. i cried when i heard a little girl named Anaya passed away from a deadly childhood diease. i was proud of this mom who stood up to do what her child needs.

Chandra - posted on 04/17/2012

Jammie, its sad you think everyone is bullying you. We are all just trying to get you to see life the way it really is in colour and not black and white with a touch of grey. Can i ask, did u think the teacher was bullying you in school when you got the question wrong??

Renee - posted on 04/17/2012

that is my crazy phone again. my email is renee.mysliwiec@gmail.com

Renee - posted on 04/17/2012

Sorry for all the typos. Its difficult on my phone. Kim, I just want to say that I am sympathtic to both you and your daughter. My heart goes out to you both. And I think you should address puberty the way you would with any little girl telling her exactly what will be happening in her body, but also PLEASE take the time to get her tested with a Naturopath ...also Rapid Eye therapy will help to heal anything tramatic that may have happened to her. This healing will take place on a cellular level and will help her tremendously...whether she chooses to live as a girl or a boy.It would be good for you as well to help ease your stress. I am a lisenced Massage therapists who specializes in Therapeutic massage, acupressure , and cranial sacral therapy as welk as Body talk therapy. I would also suggest ALL these therapies for your daughter as well because each one works on a different level of healing in the body mind and spirit both on physical emotional mental and spiritual levels. If you want me to explain more fulky, you can email me at renee.mysliwiec@gmail.comrenee.mysliwiec with your phobe number and I can calk you or sebd you links with infirnation.

Renee - posted on 04/17/2012

Jamie, I am totally with you on this. We live in a confusing world but at 10 it is very young to make a definitive alteration like this . Hair pulling is a lot like cutting in that they are in so much emotional pain that in order to stop the emotional pain , they will do something "physical" to feel and concentrate on the physical pain because tgen it will over ride the emotional pain. Because they are not thinking clearly. I have two girls who both started cutting in junior high. After checking all physical components we found out theur serotonin levels were way off as well as some other hormones. We took them to a Naturopath who made up special tictures firmulated just for their bodies needs (We prefer to treat our bodies with natral remedies as much as possibke. There are no side effects tgen compared to treating with drugs etc.) and within a VERY short time they were doing better. The confusion and frustration in their minds stopped, they could think clearly and they began to act like themselves againThis allowed them to begin to "feel" normal and peaceful inside again. Which allowed them to handle all the emotions , talk about them and deal with situations that came up in a healthy, rational way. We live in a VERY "toxic" world with toxins in our food and our envirnment whuch can affect MANY things includibg tge way we feel in our bodies abd tge way we think.

Renee - posted on 04/17/2012

I agree with you. also I would be asking the question"what happened to my daughter?" "was she sexually molested?" Because in my experiences with this phenomenon, most people who are experiencing this have had a great trauma of some kind in their life ...and it usually stems from the trauma of being sexually molested. I believe you should love "her" unconditionally and accept her but choosing to call her a "him" when clearly she is not and accepting the idea of transgender when she is so young without the pissibility of looking into other reasons for this change is doing an unjustice to her as well as your family. I would have her chemical levels in her brain and all her hormone levels checked too. There actually could be something very simple that can be regulated easily that would give her back her identity.I have known gay men who actualy lived a gay life style for several years and wanted to be female after finally recognising "when" these feelings started started and acknowledging the abuse done to them...going through a time of therapy abd healing begin to finaly feel good about themselves AND begin to feel like it was goid to be a man. They have actualky even gotten married and fathered children and are living a vhetetosexual life...comforyable with their "maleness" and VERY happy with their lives!!

Krista - posted on 04/17/2012

Suit yourself, Jammie. And good luck with your plan to dictate how your children think and feel. I'm sure you'll have a lot of success with that.

Jen - posted on 04/17/2012

Jammie,



I am sorry that you do not wish to continue the discussion or that you do not wish to educate yourself on the topic. Transgenderism is admittedly difficult to understand if you're not exposed to it. I do think it is sad that you are choosing to remain ignorant. Now before you reply to that, let me explain that ignorance does not equal stupidity or bigotry. It is the lack of education on a topic. However a willful ignorance does lead to bigotry and detestation. I'm reminded of a quote from a very famous novel:



"This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom"

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

I watched your link makes me sick to see that parents let there children do this I will not respond ever again. And adults can make that decision. NOT A KID and for a parent to let Them is ridiculous YEs it is!!!! I'm not prejudice. Just think that when the child is 18 and above then they can do what they want. A parent should never agree to anything. 10 years old Krista

Krista - posted on 04/16/2012

I obviously know nothing about transgender. The point is a 10 year old girl is a little to young to know right from wrong. They can pretend they think they do. But I am just saying don"t go along with it. My kids used to pretend to pee like a guy I was like NOO. Im more of a old religion on this subject. And to call me goofy, Is pathetic. I do feel for this mom it would be hard Im not saying anything wrong about her I just think she should not let her do this for now AT ALL! I also know some 1 who had the pulling hair thing. But that person is better now. If i were her mother id make her wanna be a girl

1. So if you admit to knowing nothing about transgenderism, then why do you feel qualified to tell this mother how she should handle this issue?

2. Again, this has NOTHING to do with right or wrong.

3. If you were her mother, you would MAKE her want to be a girl? So you have the ability to exert control over your child's very preferences and desires? Because that's a new one to me.

4. Why is it ridiculous to say that children know themselves at age 10? Are you basing this on anything other than your own opinion...an opinion that you yourself admit is an uneducated one? There are many transgender children who have known their innate gender since toddlerhood.

I would urge you to read this article. It's quite interesting, and gives some really good insight as to what these kids experience. http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/27/health/tra...

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

I obviously know nothing about transgender. The point is a 10 year old girl is a little to young to know right from wrong. They can pretend they think they do. But I am just saying don"t go along with it. My kids used to pretend to pee like a guy I was like NOO. Im more of a old religion on this subject. And to call me goofy, Is pathetic. I do feel for this mom it would be hard Im not saying anything wrong about her I just think she should not let her do this for now AT ALL! I also know some 1 who had the pulling hair thing. But that person is better now. If i were her mother id make her wanna be a girl.No matter what every instence in my body that is what I would do .Im sorry if I offend any1. And for the person saying u know yourself at 10 is ridiculous to. Im just wondering how long has she been pulling her hair. Becasue some might have called her a boy because of this,mabey thats why she thinks she should be a boy

Sara - posted on 04/16/2012

That's great that you have supported him in this you are doing a great job as a mum I think that there are books that can help you explain whats going to happen to him and then I would do some counseling to help him get though what he is feeling ..... Maybe you could do some research online see if you can find a transgender group or community centre so he can interact and ask them questions somone that is the same as your son who can understand what he is going through and you might just meet other mums that can help you with how you can explain and deal with everything going on and it gives you an out reach if you need support

Medic - posted on 04/16/2012

I am just here to support Jen and Krista now.....Ya'll say things much more eloquently than I.

Jen - posted on 04/16/2012

Krista, that is one of my top 5 fave books and I know it practically by heart start to finish.

Krista - posted on 04/16/2012

Bonus points for the Orwell reference, Jen. Nicely done.

Jen - posted on 04/16/2012

I dont need to educate myself to know right from wrong. SHES A Baby and probably watched a movie
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I'm keen to know- what is your understanding of transgenderism?

Jen - posted on 04/16/2012

Jammie, exactly how do you control what goes on inside a persons' head? Certainly you can control one's actions but not one's thoughts unless you live in Oceania. To suggest that children't don't know how they feel gender wise and who they're attracted to till 18 is ridiculous. If that were the case, we'd have zero teen pregnancy and no one would have been married historically until 18 which was middle age for a long time. Hell, I knew my son was utterly into girls from the time he was a baby and just lit up every single time he was around women with long blonde hair and blue eyes. He's now 15 and he still focuses on girls of that type. Should I ignore those very clear signs and tell him that no, you cannot think those are the most attractive of women, you must now only think brunettes are attractive. I mean, I think we can all sit back and say, "well that's just goofy" which was my reaction to your post.

Krista - posted on 04/16/2012

Jammie, this has nothing to do with right or wrong. Transgenderism is very real, and existed long before there even WERE movies. Yes, some children go through phases where they would prefer to be the other gender, but there ARE children out there who are genuinely transgendered...who, with every fibre of their being, KNOW that they are the gender opposite to what their bodies are. And many know this from a very young age.

So I will reiterate: please educate yourself on transgenderism.

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

I dont need to educate myself to know right from wrong. SHES A Baby and probably watched a movie

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

yeah but 10 come on and top call her a boy is ridiculous. My daughter has said stuff like this and now she is 100 percent being a girl cause i didnt go along with it

Krista - posted on 04/16/2012

Jammie, even the strictest parents cannot control what their children THINK. So good luck with that.



And while it may be true that some kids are more astute than others, I would think that a 10 year old would know darned well whether they see themselves as a girl or a boy. All that "putting your foot down" will do is completely alienate the child and make them feel that much more alone.



As well, as I mentioned downthread, this is COMPLETELY different from being a tomboy. Please educate yourself on transgenderism, because you are operating on some pretty faulty assumptions.

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

Omg some girls are just tom boys. And that pic she look like a pretty girl!!

Jammie - posted on 04/16/2012

If my ten year old said that to me. I would never allow her to think that she is a boy she is to Young. I would never go along with her being a boy. Or call her a him.Id put my foot down.Tell she was 18 some kids dont understand anything. So dont agree or it could ruin her life in the long run.

Cathe - posted on 04/16/2012

Tamberly, I just have to say that I myself am a nurse with a son who feels like a girl on the inside. It's true we know absolutely nothing about the brain...50% of what we know about medicine is likely to be wrong..I know or believe for myself that It's not my brain that is telling me I am a woman...It is my essence..my inner being that tells me I am woman..my solar plexus. How can I tell my child to disregard his feelings?...Who am I to make that assumption that he doesn't know what he's talking about or more importantly, feeling?...Yes I am his mother..a mother who makes mistakes all the time..I am still growing and learning through life..the greatest most important lessons have been through my children..I think they have been my greatest teachers. It sounds like you have found some tools to help your sweet child work through frustration That is wonderful...But you really are talking about something that is very different...I have five children..each of them unique with their own strengths and challenges..I approach each of them differently..It's important for parents to listen to their innate intuition about their child...And I think that can only be done without fear..
I am so grateful for this Discussion...I am glad so see so much support and to know we are not alone...

Tamberly - posted on 04/16/2012

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation because you've dealt with it for so long, it's obviously not a phase or a fleeting thing. I feel strongly that children need and deserve guidance and love from their parents. No parent is perfect, but they have a responsibility to their child to teach, guide, love, and be an example of how to be when they grow up. We are raising them to be adults, but they should not have the ability to make important choices that will affect their entire lives until they are mentally developed enough to legally make them. Children can be easily led astray if there aren't corrections made very soon. I don't speak from experience concerning gender confusion, but I have an autistic son, and when his brain tells him he is very upset about a situation, he can't control what he thinks or does. He throws things, hits, runs blindly, screams histerically. His brain is so focused, until he finally calms down with help. He is in the special education program in Kindergarten, and his teachers are wonderful. The most helpful thing has been using a themometer drawing to explain that when issues or problems arise, they are either cold, warm or hot. A small bump on the playground is a cold issue - his reaction should be calm. He used to be an emotional wreck after a bump, but now he doesn't even seem to notice them. It took a lot of time, but he has been improving slowly but surely. These issues come up every day and we deal with them as they come by doing what we feel is best for him and for us as a family.
I don't think what we've done for our son is brainwashing and not accepting who he is as a person, but instead, we have conditioned him to learn how to act and think because he doesn't know right from wrong at his age. Maybe I'm offending people by drawing these parallels, but I'm from a medically inclined family (numerous doctors and nurses) and I understand that the brain is a complex, misunderstood organ that can do so many horrible things to people. It's possible with more professional and parental guidance and counselling, maybe medication or other coping mechanisms to help with her anxiety, your child may be more able to cope with herself as she was made, and then later be able to choose for herself once she is mentally developed. Maybe this isn't helpful at all, but it's my perspective. I truly wish you and your child the best.

Markita - posted on 04/16/2012

Man Kim, I can't imagine having that conversation. Someone suggested a transgender doctor and another suggested a child psychologist. They both sound like great suggestions to me. I wish you lots of luck and I hope when puberty does hit it's not too traumatic.

Chandra - posted on 04/16/2012

All i have to say to you Louise is i PRAY you never have anyone in your life that is confused about their sexual orientation. Yes this precious angel is 10 but you know what children are more in tune with their bodies and minds. its sad you are beratig this child and mom because this child does not feel right in their skin. THIS IS NOT WRONG. They should be supported and encouraged. Its closed minds like yours that allow the bulying to continue. that allow children to judge on differences. If we teach kids young that there are NOTHING wrong with differences we would be living in a better world. But we have so many closed minded individuals thats say we cant teach children words like penis and vagina. Well guess what. THAT IS THE WORLD TODAY! We accept differences, well we are supposed to. It would be no different if your child were to come to you and tell you they are gay. Even at 10 they will know. They know their whole lives they are different. If those that love and support them dont support how they feel and respect them, that child could be severly damaged or your relationship will be. Kim you are doing exactly what i think you should be doinn and thats encourageing your child to be who they are. no who society says they have to be because of their sexual parts. As for help your precious child during this time i think a child phsycologist could help them. Be strong momma Kim your doing good!!!!

Tina - posted on 04/15/2012

I saw a show where they gave a boy hormone stoppers so they wouldn't go through puberty until they were old enough to decide wht gender they wanted to be. Speak to a transgender doctor son before it is not possible to stop things.

Tina - posted on 04/15/2012

I saw a show where they gave a boy hormone stoppers so they wouldn't go through puberty until they were old enough to decide wht gender they wanted to be. Speak to a transgender doctor son before it is not possible to stop things.