how do i get my daughter to listen to me with out having to give her a smack???

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Linda - posted on 07/22/2009

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The most important thing indiscipline of any kinds is CONSISTENCY. Don't make idle threats!!! If you promise a child something and don't follow through your child will learn not to believe you. You will save yourself alot of stress and heartache if you follow through and do what you say you will do. I know you don't want to punish them, but it is what they need. They need boundaries and respect--respect them enough to discipline them-what you do now affects their future.

Patryce - posted on 07/22/2009

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EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILD THAT THEY ARE NOT THE BOSS AND WHAT YOU SAY YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T GIVE UP OR GIVE IN, BECAUSE THEY WILL CONTINUE TO DO THE SAME THING.DON'T ASK KIDS TO DO THINGS NICELY OR YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF ASKING THEM CAN YOU GO TO WORK OR OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. HAVE THEM TAKE A SEAT IN THEIR ROOM IF THEY CAN'T LISTEN OR IF THEY CRY, TELL THEM THAT THEY WILL SIT THERE UNTIL THEIR FINISH CRYING AND WHEN THEY CAN LISTEN TO YOU. KEEP LETTING THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT AND THEY ARE THE CHILDREN. I DON'T BELIEVE TAKING AWAY TOYS WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BECAUSE THEY WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH IF IT'S A STRING OR A BOBBIE PIN.

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I make kids repeat to me what I said and look me in the eyes when Im telling them and when they repeat it, that way I know they are listening and hearing what I am saying.Make sure you tell them why what they are doing is wrong and why they should listen.Then if the behavior is done again start taking things away that they like(snack, games,a period of play time) If they continue not to listen they get timeout and something taken away. Make sure you also really encourage and reward when they listen the first time.

Heidi - posted on 08/02/2009

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my husband and i try to remember that our daughter mimics the behavior that we model. having said that, Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen M.Ed is my entire family's favorite book for help. you can go to the index, find your particular challenge, and read possible reasons for your child's behavior, solutions, and ways to prevent the behavior in the future, all within 2 or 3 pages. it is the best! good luck! children are worth every second we give them!

Anne - posted on 07/22/2009

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Depending on the age there is always different scenarios. All the other replys are spot on with the ages. When it comes to my 14yr old I simply try to ask politely sometimes using the sarcasm. When she starts to get a smart attitude, I simply lose the sarcasm and she knows I am serious now. As well as we teach our children manners we should use them as well ask please and don't forget thank you when they do their chores or a simple favor.

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Melissa - posted on 07/30/2009

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I have been reading all the threads to try and get some advice for my 2 and 4 yr olds who have a real problem with listening and talking back. My husband and I are at a loss. I am going to try the books as most of the things everyone is suggesting we have tried at one point or another with little chnge to behaviour. Maybe we just havn't stuck with it long enough or are looking for a solution that just isn't there.

Tanya - posted on 07/29/2009

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I don't beleive in hitting or smacking a kid. I have a 6 year old daughter, that I punish by taking away her TV, favorite toys or simply just make her take a nap or go to bed early. I mean what I say, and I do it. If I tell her NO TV....it's NO TV. Stick to your punishment. It works for me. I'm the boss and she knows it. The parents are in control not the kids.

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Give choices, don't tell her what to do. IN dressing in the morning pick out two outfits, ask her to choose which one she wants to wear. It has to be one or the other, but she gets to choose. For dinner decide on two options then ask her what she wants for dinner. It has to be one of the two choices but let her decide. Life is all about choices and they need to learn how to make choices and that the choices she makes are going to effect the outcome or consequence of making that choice, what better way to start teaching her? It also avoids the arguments and her diggin in her heals if she has a choice and a say in the matter. Try it and let me know how it goes.

Kathy - posted on 07/28/2009

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' The Happiest Toddler on the Block ' by Harvey Karp is a great book recommended by Dr. Phil . Also , Dr. Phil has an advice section on his website .

Nnam - posted on 07/28/2009

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while i was a kid there re some naughty things i did then and my parent smacked me
and ever since then i hardly repeat what led to that.so what am trying to say in essence is that i see nothing wrong in smacking ur daughter cos is just like cautioning her,but the essential is when you do that tell the reason y u smacked her.

Mel - posted on 07/28/2009

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i wanted to say the same thing Bek but felt everyone has already said it in previous threads. her comments disgust me shes clearly very screwed up in the head. I hope she sees a psych and soon.

Bek - posted on 07/27/2009

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Eve....Get help....you trully have a stunted view of discipline, and if you actually read the topic, you would realize that the person seeking help, already does not smack their kids...

they are looking for ways to handle their kids without looking for a lecture on spanking and the current violence/crime wave report...

(which, by the way you present it, is not accurate or real research findings, but your opinion only)

Once again, Eve, please get some professional help.....xx

Eve - posted on 07/27/2009

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Start by controlling your temper and not smacking her! Then praise the positive things she does do and give less heed to the negative things she does. Praise loudly and publicly and discipline quietly and privately. When she doesn't listen, give her an option of something less pleasurable to do and she'll always choose to do what you originally wanted her to do! But control your hands, violence only breeds violence, what you do to her, she'll turn around and do to her animals, friends, cousins and siblings!

Mel - posted on 07/26/2009

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thats hard, see i dont i just give mine a smack if she does not listen. If i have said no more then once i give her a smack , well tap actually cause she is still little, and if she gets fussy for attention i give her one. i think if you are strict enough with this routine they know not to mess around that said i am only a mother of one

Jacqueline - posted on 07/25/2009

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That would depend on the age of the child. If your daughter is under five, she is just battling wills. My experience has been different for every child but, I have found that if you phrase it like you mean business, she will be more apt to follow your orders.

Mili - posted on 07/25/2009

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oops typo!! Let me rewrite that.... Armaan, our son is 19 months old, I find using timeout has been effective for me. I also find giving a slight squeeze to the wrist helps. He feels a bit of pain and it gets his attention. Going down to his level, looking him in the eye makes a world of a difference too!!! :)

Mili - posted on 07/25/2009

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Armaan, our son is 19 months old. I think using a timout has ben effective for me. I also find sometimes giving a sligt squeeze on the wrist helps too. He feels a bit of pain and it does get his attention. Going down to his level and talking to him ee to eye, akes a world of a difference too.

Heidi - posted on 07/24/2009

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i like to remember that discipline is about teaching, not hitting. when my boss comes to me to tell me that i have done something that does not work for the purpose of our agnecy, i want her tl tell me how i CAN do it, rather than sending me to the corner to think about what i have done for some random amount of time determined by my age, or her mood at the time. so, i treat my child the way i want to be treated. i let my child know what is appropriate. here is an example: my child is throwing a ball in the house, which is against our house rules. i ask her to stop throwing the ball in the house. i tell her that she can roll the ball in the house or take the ball outside to throw it. i have not had to tell her "no" and she gets to choose something that works for our house rules. if she does not stop, i tell her again what she can do, and then what the consequence will be if she continues throwing the ball, usually i tell her that i will have to take the ball. if she continues to throw the ball, i follow through with the consequesnce which is to take away the ball. i never want to hurt my child's feelings or treat her with disrespect.

there is a fabulous book called "Positive Disciple, A-Z" by Jane Nelsen, EdD. the book is broken up into little snippets about different challenges that we might have with children. you look it up in the index, and then read the suggestions and solutions for that particular challenge. it is helpful for even the most gracious, experienced parents. good luck! and always treat your child with love and respect.

heidi

Casey - posted on 07/23/2009

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try using Magic 1 2 3, u can get it from the library on movie or book. It works for my daughter.

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Go to the libray and get the book 123 magic, it is a wonderful tool and it does work to a point.

Lynn - posted on 07/23/2009

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Get down on her level so you can look at her eye to eye and hold her firmly by the shoulders to keep her from squirming away from you. Another idea is to make homemade binoculars to help her focus on you. I know this sounds strange but it really works if you need her to focus on what you are wanting to say. Take two toilet paper rolls and duct tape them together. Punch a whole through the outsides to attach a string for later use. Whenever you need to her to focus on what you need to say give her the binoculars and ask her to look at you through those. This will take some time until she understands that they are to used to look at you and not be distracted. I have used this also when I was a cubscout leader and needed the scouts to focus on my discussions and later on used them on outings to view points of interest. The only time you should EVER spank, smack or whatever is when the child is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. (ex: running in the street without looking both ways.) If you smack her then she will think it is o.k. to smack others to get their attention and that someone could be you. I am speaking with 30 years experience as a mom and childcare provider.

Dariel - posted on 07/23/2009

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I think it really depends on what age you are talking about. It also depends on the child. We have eight children most of which are grown. For some children a spank is ok (a spank not a "beating") for others it can be devastating. Discipline takes time and thought and the love that says I care. When the situation is right you can warn and let them take the consequences other times correction needs to be swift for the child's safety. I personally don't think giving a "smack" is helpful for any one. Discipline should be deliberate and everyone needs to understand what happened and why. One author who helped me was James Dobson. He talks about childish irresponsibility and how it does not warrant corporal punishment. My suggestion is read a few books, get to know your child evaluate the reasons for disobedience and why you have a limit on the behavior (sometimes it maybe... you can't do this but you can do this). Find what reasonably works for your family but the last most difficult thing is consistency. All relationships have their difficulties and their rewards... In my opinion our children can take us to extremes faster then we ever imagined putting them at the top of that list. Good luck and God bless.

Michelle - posted on 07/22/2009

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Start w/ taking their favorite thing away. Also no cartoons in my house works. when you go to put them in a time- out put them where they cannot stand to go. I had a really rough time with behavior in my house because my youngest has bipolar, and my oldest has Asperger's and a few other disabilities. It took me a long time to learn what kinds of things to do to when the kids try to play games with you. Smacking on the butt never ever worked in my house at all. My kids laughed at me. I eventually learned that once in a while sometimes I do have to get a certain spoon out on my daughter and give her a smack to let her know who is boss.Not hard but enough to hurt their feelings. That does work. My son has not had that yet he gets moving by the time that is threatened. So those are just a few tips from an experienced mom! Hope those help out.

Tamara - posted on 07/22/2009

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First, how old is your daughter? I'm guessing she's a toddler from your profile picture. However, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I'd keep things very simple. First, always try to find a way to say "yes." Filling a little one's world with "no" is discouraging and confusing. For example, I don't want my LO drumming on the walls but I don't mind if she drums on the floor. So what I do is show her where she can drum instead of arbitrarily saying "no!" w/o any redirection. Natural and logical consequences seem to work the best. Continuing with the example of drumming on the walls, if she persists, I take the drumsticks away for a few hours. (mine's just shy of 2 so you'll probably need to adjust the time if your LO is older) She'll throw a tantrum but I sit with her through it and she comes out of it feeling much better for relieving her anger and frustration.

HTH

Betty - posted on 07/22/2009

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Ania, I'm amazed that you can do time outs with a child that age and actually have them be affective.

ANIA - posted on 07/22/2009

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When my 20mo old isn't listening, I give her a choice You either....stop ( say what she is doing wrong) or go to time out. Hahaah last time I did that she went to timeout by her self, but do tell her what she is doing wrong calmly and not judgmentally. The time out should NEVER be her safe place, (room or favorite corner) it should be very boring, i use a hallway in my house and close all the doors turn the light on. the time should be 1min per year of age. start over when she leaves before time. Always explain again why she was there and make sure to tell her you love her and don't forget hugs and kisses

Betty - posted on 07/22/2009

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If you are constantly picking at her than she will block you out on purpous. Remember to keep it simple and let things go. Redirecting works best most of the time if it isn't a time out worthy offense.

When kids are worked up they will not be able to listen at all so calm them down first. If they are small enuf than just pick them up and love on em for a while. For older kids, read to them or have them read to you. Just because a child is hyped up dosn't mean she is being bad but if you want to give any type of instruction than you will have to calm her down first.

Betty - posted on 07/22/2009

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When everything else fails a time out does the trick with our little one. Young children have no concept of time so you don't really need to set a timer, I let her get up a few moments after the tantram ends. Sometimes if she is holding a toy or something all I have to do is grab it from her and she will stop and listen to me. If I use an angery voice she just thinks it's funny but I've seen that work for other moms.

Patricia - posted on 07/22/2009

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Time out works well, 1 minute per year of the child. My five year old gets 5 minutes time out when he is disobedient. It's just a measley five minutes but he hates it.

Lori - posted on 07/22/2009

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Get down to their level, face to face. This works for our 5 year old. Also taking away toys/games when he really doesn't listen helps. He loves the Wii system so usually we take away his opportunities for playing games on it. Explain to him why we have asked him to do something and if we do have to resort to removing toys/games, explain to him why we are taking them away.

Stacey - posted on 07/22/2009

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I take away toys activities they like and explain why that has happened. it has often taken few lost toys and missed outings for them to understand. Good Luck..

[deleted account]

That is a good question!! ive a nearly 2 yr old and taking toys away etc isnt an option as hes at such a young age its flustrating!!!!!! Lots of good advice from other moms ill be using it!
I believe in talking to the child and explainin why ur cross etc but sometimes its necassary to smack. If you go by all the books ull end up that flustrated u may as well sit on the hard step urself! lol time out is good option, removing them from the situation and explaining why etc. I know myself as a child i was difficult i got smacked and shouted at alot it ended up that my mom and i didnt get on in later years cos i felt she didnt respect me, i think that was due to no explaining and it was ok for her to do but not me lol i know she was the adult but kids harbour ill feelings.. bear that in mind...
good luck! xx

Lilly - posted on 07/22/2009

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I think that it depends on the child. Sometimes standing in the corner or sitting on a "hard' chair helps. You have to find what she likes alot and take it away (like tv or a toy ) or something that she doesn't like alot like the corner, time out. Hope this helped.
lilly

Marne - posted on 07/22/2009

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I know its frustrating and I will start out by saying that I am in general a supporter of spanking a child when necessary. But except when not listening poses a danger to them, thats usually not a reason to spank. That just sets both of you up for a situation where shes going to figure anything is ok unless she gets smacked for it so she doesn't have to listen. With my oldest. Time outs in an area with NO TOYS or TVs (including ones that have news on) is very effective. If its a situation where you have to repeat yourself over and over again before she acknowleges you and you know her hearing is fine, you might want to consider having her checked for an auditory processing problem or attention deficit. You can have just attention deficit and not hyper activity and there are behavior strategies you both can learn to cope with it, so meds wouldn't necessarily be called for. Good luck! Sometimes not listening is just part of being a kid!

Kimosha - posted on 07/22/2009

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Kids don't like to be told what to do, So what u have to do is ask them nicely. Also give her an options so she gets to choose to either do what u asked or get the punishment but never yell. But when giving her he option explain to her. I know a lot of us feel we don't need to explain to child why, but sometime u have to bit your tongue and do it.

Carolyn (tootie) - posted on 07/22/2009

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Start by removing her favorite toy. My son is 7. If I tell him no xbox for 2 or 3 days he is right on it. When he was younger he was into Thomas the Train he had the train table the whole works. I would cover it with a sheet and not let him play with it for a couple of days. Also no dessert works well also. Give it a try.

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