how do i get my husband to WANT to be with me?

Lisa - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 38 moms have responded )

26

15

7

i feel so left out. my husband still gets to go out with friends and he plays video games online with people in other states. we just had a baby 3 weeks ago, and he doesn't even talk to me when he gets home. i feel like im only here to take care of our kids, and i'm starting to think that i really don't need to be married to him to do that. i'm only 20 years old, i can't be divorced already...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Beth - posted on 11/05/2009

3

15

0

I read a really good book when my husband and I were having troubles called the "Five Love Languages". It really helped me to understand what things make me feel loved and vice versa and helped me to know what I need to do to make sure he feels loved. He ended up leaving, but I learned a lot for the next relationship.

Star - posted on 11/03/2009

48

40

5

I'm 24. Been married for over 4yrs, together for almost 7. Our son is 6 1/2mo old. We tried for 5yrs for a baby & had one miscarriage. Our son was a much anticipated event.
Prior to that my husband has always been in the spotlight & I'm in the same boat you are. Mine though isn't that I'm not getting enough "us" time, as he is getting too much "him" time. I don't want more time w/him, I get a lot. I would like him to be content at home & his family be enough. He says that it's a lot of stress & that he could be like other men who leave or beat their wifes (some friends of our's men). That he goes out to relieve stress.

Men are big babies sometimes, what about us? We carry the kid, deliver, feed, take care of them, the house, the husband, dog, finances, have not a lot of "me" time & we are supposed to do it w/out complaining? I know, it makes me thankful to be a mom though. We always are the ones left on the frontline, we have the strength for our children to keep on going.

I love my husband dearly, but they just don't get it. My husband and I talk openly, we always have. We've been through more than most couples do in their lifetime, but we're no exception to how a baby changes your life. Gotta be open and honest 24/7. If they don't get it the first time, need to drill it in their heads.

He's like your man...going out w/friends, playing Socom online, WOW on the computer, in pool leagues. I solely breastfeed our son, do all the bills(we own our house & everything) and do all the household work. On top of that I work the same amount of hours he does a week & bring in the same each paycheck. I'm home w/our son from the time he wakes until he goes to sleep. Our son was born in April, last I went out for some fun by myself was my birthday to a concert in June. His birthday was in October; the guys from work took him to the bar on Friday, went w/a buddy for a jam session on Saturday, Sunday was pool night & 30min after he got home-he had his friend come over until midnight & I had to be to work @3am.

What can I say, some men are just royal pain in the asses. I love my husband & he's a great father...watches our son while I'm at work & cooks, cleans sometimes for me. They all have there flaws, you just have to whip them into shape. Although I will say it's utterly exhausting! You love him? he loves you? you'll be fine if you communicate.

Roseabelle - posted on 11/09/2009

8

22

1

I so know how your feeling my husband did exactly the same thing, his response was mixed feelings for both me and our baby and even himself, he had so many different emotions going through him he was confused. He loved me and our child and wanted to do the best by us but then times he felt neglected that I or the baby was getting all the attention....you really need to talk to him about your feelings, he may think he cant go near you or he may feel that he's actually in the way. I really hope you's talk and please let us know how things go. Feeling for you xxxooo

Becky - posted on 11/05/2009

2

13

0

Put your foot down. NOW! We have been together nearly 20 years and though I know how important communication is, he doesn't. I was blessed to be home with my children and my husband provided what we needed. He, too, loved to "go out" 2-5 nights a week. When I expressed my concerns each time it subsided some, but the behavior always returned. He would not read any books, see any counselors, or even talk about it at all. No Communication to speak of. When the children were all in school he often skipped school events and would be found at the bar when we came home. All he did was go to work and to the bar and sleep on the couch on the rare occasion that he was home. Soon, when I confronted him, he told me that the bar was more his home than here. My reply was that he made it that way. He had been missing our family dinner hour and saying he was working late, but came home drunk.
My children rebelled and moved out early, they asked friends to live with them. All the while I and we were begging for his attention.
Then...I decided to live my life, it did get his attention. Do your own thing. Always within the confines of marriage, of course-integrity and honor should be your motto here. I read once that it is nobody's job but yours to make you happy. It is true, but talking about how you are feeling abandoned is really important. He needs to know. If he won't listen or don't care-don't waste your time thinking he will come around and grow up. If he doesn't care, I don't think he can. Read some books or articles on personality traits.
So, now that the kids are all gone, and my hubby, whom, by the way, I love-or did, and planned to be married to him forever, found that he likes the party life better. He wants not much to do with the kids and he would rather be at the bar than with me-if even for a walk, except when I make his dinner every night. You see, he built his bonds with his party friends and can't communicate without alcohol, and now I find out there were other women and drugs too. I should have known.
I had talked my husband into counseling a couple of years ago, if I paid for it (our money is even separate now) but he lied the whole time. You can't get help that way!
So, knowing how young you two are, it is likely that you can talk to him and reason with him but people with addictions are in love with the thing they are addicted to, and you and the kids will be second on the list or worse. If he won't talk. GET OUT NOW before he destroys you and any children you may share!

Jessica - posted on 11/04/2009

5

6

0

p.s. divorce was only ment for abusive or cheating mates. try everything... i repeat EVERYTHING! before the horrible D word is even mentioned it will cause a lack of trust that no relationship can take with out serious repercussions. Divorces are messy and usually cause the children the most pain.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

38 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 11/19/2009

26

15

7

I want to thank everyone for their advice! It has all been very helpful! My husband is working less now and we've had more time to talk about how we both feel. We are much happier now that we have talked things through.. We now have a sort of game plan on how to keep us, well US. A new baby along with the, almost, two year old is a big stress on both of us. Now that he's home more, he will hold the baby while he plays video games (oh well, can't take everything away from the man) so that i can clean and put things away. As for our oldest son, he comes and goes between the both of us, helping me with the dishes, or watching cartoons with daddy

Shelli - posted on 11/08/2009

1

18

0

Go to Walmart and buy the book, The Love Dare and follow it everyday. You will show him how much you love him and he will come around. Good Luck and enjoy your new addition!

Becky - posted on 11/05/2009

2

13

0

Quoting Lisa:

how do i get my husband to WANT to be with me?

i feel so left out. my husband still gets to go out with friends and he plays video games online with people in other states. we just had a baby 3 weeks ago, and he doesn't even talk to me when he gets home. i feel like im only here to take care of our kids, and i'm starting to think that i really don't need to be married to him to do that. i'm only 20 years old, i can't be divorced already...


 

Danielle - posted on 11/04/2009

5

21

0

Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. i honestly felt that way myself. I don't want to make excuses for him but he probably thinks he isn't doing anything wrong. This is what he did before you guys had your baby and he doesn't think he needs to change. Try involving him in your routine when he comes home from work. Try to set a time aside for him to play his video games and hang out with his friends but as soon as your baby was born you "life" as you know it came to an end. You live for your child now and he needs to realize that he needs to as well. When you're little one gets older they will become more demanding and honestly at a time the baby may not want you but their dad. But for now communication is the key. Talk about it and if you allow him to say now's not a good time and he gets away with it, it may become a pattern. Just say how and what you feel and get a response from him. Katie is right tho, when the horomones go away and you aren't as frazzled everything just seems to fall into place. Hang in there it gets so much better!!!!! Congratulations on your little one.

[deleted account]

Oh girl, we get it. my husband and I were a mess after each one of my babies. You are not alone, and it WILL get better. Right now things are crazy and I know it seems like your life will never be the same and you will never have a moment alone with yourself or your husband again-but you will. I love my babies (three and 10 months) but I do not like the early stage with babies, if that makes sense. Hormones, huge life changes, weirdness with your spouse, changes in every aspect of your life basically, all made even worse by no sleep and crazy hormones. So here's what I've learned that helps take the edge off-take a hot bubble bath with wine every night you can. Let your hubby play his video games while you do that, if fact-TELL him to go play his games while you bathe ( my husband thought I was the best wife ever when I did that), and meet back up when you get out of the tub for "date night". watch a movie or cuddle. Other than those little moments you can spare, just grin and bear it. It gets better after three months or so, when the hormones chill out a little, and you guys have some time to adjust. Cut youself some slack, this is very hard, and he sounds like he's having issues adjusting also. Maybe he feels useless or scared he will do something wrong or just not as well as you. Good Luck, you guys will be fine-and honestly, there are MANY moms that feel like leaving their husbands in the beginning-trust me :) big hugs and big prayers you way...

Leisa - posted on 11/04/2009

16

20

1

Im 24, got married last year and had my first little girl 3months ago, at first I felt like I was doing it ALL on my own. He starts work at 1am and finishes about 2pm and works Saturdays and I felt bad asking him for help. I thought about leaving but I couldnt take away Bree from her daddy. So we sat down and we talked about it, I told him how I felt and what I wanted from him. Now if Im busy cooking dinner and Bree is crying for a bottle I make it and hand it to him. If he cracks up its simple....do you want to eat tonight??? If they yes (as they will) then say well here you feed the baby while finish dinner. He has gotten better, I get to go Scrapbooking every Tuesday afternoon/night and I even went out with a girlfriend to watch a movie and out for dinner. He gets time away everything and you need time away from everything otherwise you will go insane and your not happy which means bubby wont be happy well the whole house will be unhappy. He needs a wake up call. I didnt think that being divorced after one year of marriage was the answer either but sometimes its the best way, think of whats best for your baby and for you......Also another thing are your parents around? or his parents? Call on them for help. I dont get along very well with my mother in law but since Ive laid down the law in my house she has come good and when I need a break I ask her to come around and look after Bree for me, for that I love her.....you need a break darling.

Tara-Marie - posted on 11/04/2009

30

17

1

i knw just how u feel babes im 21 an had a baby 4 months ago luckly my fella has been there all the way thro an i fink urs shud be there 2 i fink u shud have a talk with him an hopefully he will listen if this continues i hate to say this but be done with it xxxxxxxxxxx

Lisa - posted on 11/04/2009

55

13

6

im really sorry to hear ur feeling like that i went through the same thing wen my child was born the only thing u can do is try and talk to him about ur feelings it doesn't matter if u sound like a nag just explain to him that ur feeling like ur a single mum and he needs to help or u will become a single mum, if u explane to him how ur feeling and that ur not prepared to raise ur child without any help he will understand it took my partner a while to get it through his head but now he helps as much as he can.

this really ant worth getting divorced over he just needs to adjust so dont worry it will turn out ok in the end good luck hun

Jessica - posted on 11/04/2009

5

6

0

Communication is verry key to resolving issues, and dont forget to use "I" messages ans in "I wish we spent more time together" " I would like you to hang out with me more" and try no to start sentences out with "you" mesages. They sound like you are attacking weather you are or not and will almsot always but up an immediate wall ofdefence. Make suggestions for you to spend time alone or go for a walk together to talke or just walk. And a good healty relationship is always better with good intamacy. I hope you get more time with him and don't get discouraged, just keep telling him " I " messages and things will sink in sooner or later.

Tracy - posted on 11/04/2009

3

24

0

Quoting Kemisha:

Lisa,
You and your baby is still young take care of your baby and forget about him. When you ignore men in general and just go about your daily business or if you leave the house whenever he is there, just dress up with your baby and leave the house. He will start to wonder what's going on. Just play the slient game with him even when he is talking to you just answer what is ask and not a further thing. This will help



lisa is exactly right!!!! i do that all the time, the silent treatment lmfao, and let me tell ya it works wonders. when you give them that they sit there and wonder what is going on and then say "bitch at me throw something i don't care just stop giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment". listen to some good advice girl like lisa's and go out w/ some friends and your baby and have a wonderful day. even if its just window shopping he will sit there and start to wonder after a few days to a week what is going on and then when he ask like she said answer in a simple yes or no manner and then if he proceeds to question you in detail then tell him "well since you do whatever the hell you want to do i decided that i wasn't gonna sit at home anymore and be lonely or bored so i'm going out." keep doing it till he changes his ways. y'all are still young so you should be able to whip him into a good man by the time he is 30, if you're lucky LOL

Nelda - posted on 11/04/2009

1

7

0

Hi Lisa,

Unfortunately, we can’t make others do what we want them to do. We can however, let them know what our needs are and express our feelings in an attempt that they would understand us. My advice is to defiantly talk to him and let him know how you feel and how his behavior is affecting you. You also want to keep in mind, that the experience of being a young father, and fatherhood itself, might be a scary experience for him (not to say that motherhood isn’t). He may also be attempting to hold on to his individuality while trying to adjust to your new life together. Give it some time, express your feelings and your needs (without placing blame or passing judgment), and also try to maintain some of your individuality – because remember, that was what attracted him to you in the first place.

Good luck!

Tracy - posted on 11/04/2009

3

24

0

Quoting Tiffany:

your husband is feeeling left out.....time for you to show your love to the one who gave you all the love you are holding.. :)



tiffany are you kidding me? honestly read her post again. he isn't feeling left out at all how can he feel left out when he gets to still do all the stuff he did before while she takes care of THEIR BABY?! if anything she needs to put her foot in his butt or kick him out for awhile or even go on Dr. Phil to figure out what his problem is. in no way should she bend over backwards and show some immature fool who got her pregnant and still gets to do what he wants while takes care of their kid that she loves him and return the love he is giving her. oh wait ya she should show the love he is giving her b/c honestly he ain't giving her any at all. if she was a game controller or computer i bet she would get his attentino then. i'm sorry tiffany but i disagree with you b/c for one i've been w/ the same man for 10yrs and he gets to do whatever he wants and let me tell ya i bitch constantly about it. it takes 2 to make a kid not one and if thats how he is gonna be towards her then she needs to give him the boot but not a divorce unless he has already said "the hell w/ this".

Kemisha - posted on 11/04/2009

5

4

0

Lisa,

You and your baby is still young take care of your baby and forget about him. When you ignore men in general and just go about your daily business or if you leave the house whenever he is there, just dress up with your baby and leave the house. He will start to wonder what's going on. Just play the slient game with him even when he is talking to you just answer what is ask and not a further thing. This will help

[deleted account]

Hello, my husband does something similar. It's a form of escapism for him, where he can just shut off. Ask him how he would feel if you left him with the baby & played on-line bingo for hours, whilst ignoring him - would he find this acceptable? - No. Whilst you can empathise that he may have had a busy day at work & needs to wind down (excuse from my hubby) he needs to appreciate that the same goes for you too. Try to agree on some 'time out' for you - where he looks after the baby & you have a pamper. Also agree on a certain night each week where it's family night & the games are left off. Or he can go on for an hour then then it's time with you & the baby.

Lydia - posted on 11/04/2009

1

12

0

Let me try to give you some advise. I am 31 with 3 kids, while pregnant with my 3rd my husband cheated on me, I found this out on my first borns birthday. It was at this stage that I decided to lose all my wieh=ght (I have lost 35kg) and fight back this way. You have to let him know that you are not just a cow having to nurse your childern, you are a woman to and all woman are gorgious.

Ann - posted on 11/04/2009

10

10

2

Hi Lisa,What your probably feeling currently, is a bit harmonal an need more of a sence of security,an also overwhelmed with this new responsibility of this new small person who you have to do everything for,right.Sounds like he needs a man to man talk possibly from someone he looks up too an repsects?Wheres the father figure in the picture or his Mom?Is yours around to set him straight.Those vidios games can be addicting,,,something should wake him up hopefully an make him see how overwhelming this is. An that it took two people to lye down an create these children,,,I feel your pain...an disappointment.HANG IN THERE,what about going to church,would this be an option at all to give you inner hope an strength to handle daily stress.You are young... an if he cannot stand up an help you out/ eventually you will have to make some form of decsions not only for you but for those beautiful kids.Take care, get yourself up, get strong an be the female that I know you can be with or without him :)Dont waste your years someone out there will an can appreciate a lady for who you seem to be ! Live your life happy!!! SIncerly Ann:)

Socorro - posted on 11/04/2009

126

26

38

There is no other way of solving your problem than having a heart to heart talk with him. Talk to him if it doesn't harm you. Don't be scared.

Bridget - posted on 11/03/2009

260

10

33

I would try to talk to him & let him know how you feel. Also, let him know that you still love him and he is important to you. When my husband is stressed out about something he kind of ignores the kids & definetly ignores me. Instead he turns to playing video games or relentlessly watching TV. When you talk to him try not to let it be in anger. Also, maybe see if the grandparents can watch your baby for a couple hours so that you two can go to dinner or a movie, anything to give you some alone time & try to use that time to focus on you & him, not the baby. Divorce is a horrible option for you, him & your child. I would try other avenues before you go down that road. Also, I'm not saying that anything is your fault, but women's hormones are all out of whack after having a baby. Maybe you are a little extra sensitive to things. I wouldn't hastily make a decision to break-up a marriage & family right now.

Leesah - posted on 11/03/2009

5

6

0

i hate to say this but its downhill from here im in the same situation and it started out like this and my son is now 6 months.. im moving out tomorrow cause ive spent to much time trying to fight for this. you need to think of you

Lydia - posted on 11/03/2009

1,723

21

164

You cant force him to WANT anything...but chances are this is just his way of dealing with things as they are (or not dealing?). Sit down and talk to him about how you see the situation. Be prepared and have some notes prepared on what you need from him as your partner and as a parent (prioritise the list as it will probably need to be negotiated a little). I doubt you need to be worried about something as extreme as divorce just yet having a baby is a big change and it can take a bit of time to adjust to it in a way that everyone is happy

Tiffany - posted on 11/03/2009

1

4

0

your husband is feeeling left out.....time for you to show your love to the one who gave you all the love you are holding.. :)

Amanda - posted on 11/03/2009

2

25

0

You need to talk with him poeple take all things diff who knows what is going on in his mind me and my hubby had the same prob for a while but he was to busy with work as a way to take care of us that he forgot we still needed him not just a pay ck..so we talked about it but it didnt work out over night it took about 3 years before I now can say I couldnt ask for a better hubby...but we are very happily married for 8 years now with 2 girls I had my 1st at 20...so talk to him try to meet half way, anything can be worked out if you both love each other and give it time, and if he takes time to his self you need to too....give him daddy duty girl out and shop have lunch with friends ect...without the kids....and give it a lil longer then 3 weeks remeber it took us 3 years.....but the love of my life was worth it....

Jenna - posted on 11/03/2009

10

7

0

Be sure to let him know that the baby is not taking his place.. my hubby told me once that he felt like he became less important when our son came along, some because I was breastfeeding at the time, and changing diapers, and since my guy can't or couldn't do any of that, he felt really incompetent and un-needed. Let him know that he is still your #1 guy, and even tho the baby is taking up a lot of your time, you'll set aside time for him if he is willing to set aside time for you.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/03/2009

1

20

0

you're only 20, too early for that problem, how long have you been married, in my case we married at 18 but we're still happy together. my advice is for both of you to have communication, ask him if he still loves you? if yes, then ask him why is he like that. But if he answers no, ask him also why? you had already 3 kids.

Cheryl - posted on 11/03/2009

13

28

2

Men have different ways of handling things than women, and that unfortunately includes their friends and meeting their needs, even if that means neglecting ours. Your husband may be a little freaked out or overwhelmed by the baby, which is normal, he is now responsible for another life and he lost his fun-loving wife to mommyhood! I would recommend reading the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." You will see how men communicate and handle problems differently. He cannot read your mind, even though women expect men to do that sometimes, so you do need to talk to him, but beware, he may not give you the reaction you want. Don't hold it against him, he is just a man! Don't think about divorce yet, your baby needs both parents. Hang in there!

Jennifer - posted on 11/03/2009

1

13

0

i feel for you, having a baby changes everything. Children are wonderful but they can also cause friction in a relationship. The hardest part is that most men almost expect women to handle the baby and they carry on like nothing has changed. I would talk to your husband about it and let him know how terrible it makes you feel. The most important thing is to keep communication open and be sure you are giving him a chance to speak. Guys tend to blame hormones or say you are being sensitive.
Hopefully he will be mature enough to listen when his wife has a concern and find a solution that works for both of you.

Debra - posted on 11/03/2009

1

1

0

speak to him and let him know how you feel tell him he needs to take time out for you and the baby

Joann - posted on 11/03/2009

4

8

0

Hi Lisa, At this point what do you have to lose by telling him exactly what you're feeling and thinking???ask him to set aside time for just you. If the kids go to sleep an hour early, maybe have a nice dinner together, or watch a movie together, ask him for a "date" what did you guys like to do together before the kids/baby? is there a grandma? or auntie? that could maybe come stay for a couple of hours for you to get out and have a change of scenery? if money is an issue (aren't we all feeling the pinch?) maybe go to a mall and window shop or walk around, just spend some time together helps. Make a big deal out of it, wear something nice, curl your hair, put a face on etc. something to make YOU feel good. when you feel good, it shows.

If none of that gets his attention, go do it by yourself! he's home right? he can't be a dad for a couple of hours??call a friend go visit, remember that change of scenery? if he still doesn't want to spend time with you then he has serious issues that need addressing and it may be time to confront those issues. Good luck hon!!

Melanie - posted on 11/03/2009

153

34

11

Sit down and talk to him, im young and married i always find saying whats on my mind and talking bout it helps, if he says hes not in the mood or no time to talk then sort out a time he can. You will feel better getting it out in the open, he may not have noticed hes not spoken to u with the baby being around, i had a baby few weeks ago so understand were ur coming from xx

Waihoea - posted on 11/03/2009

2

7

0

thats sad to hear you feel that way but you definitely need to talk to him and let him know how you are feeling and also ask him how he feels.....

Amber - posted on 11/03/2009

21

43

1

Tell him how you feel, but make sure not to sound like your fussing or nagging at him. But DO voice your feelings. he may not realize he is doing this. But if it is intentional the ask him why. I'm 21 & we just had our baby 5 months ago. It's hard at first but it does seem to get better. Just keep the commincation open.

Angie - posted on 11/03/2009

2,621

0

406

Speak with him about your concerns. Having a new baby is overwhelming to young people. Have some patience and open communication with your husband.....

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms