Beverly - posted on 01/08/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )
he does things that he should not be doing and it breaks my heart
Beverly - posted on 01/08/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )
he does things that he should not be doing and it breaks my heart
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Stacey - posted on 01/11/2010
consequences, tough love, counceling (for you) to learn to let him go and become what he will. I"m one to talk. I'm pretty much in the same situation as you are. I think. Mine is 22. If it's legal stuff, he will have to learn the hard way. If it's drugs and or alcohol please visit my website www.narconon-arlington-texas.com Even if you don't live in Arlington. Thank you for posting this. By reading your post and a lot of the other ones, if nothing else we can see that we are not alone. There is a Tough Love group that you can join as well. Bless you.
Kim - posted on 01/11/2010
Simple answer hun.... You CANT....I have 3 sons aged 19, 15 and 8. My eldest no longer lives with me after a hellish 1-2 years of back chat swearing abuse etc. I chucked him out and he went to live with hjis girlfriend. After 2 months he realised that he was indeed wrong in what he had done and apologised.We are now back as close as we used to be but you CANT give in. The moment you do they know they have won and will continue on with their battle of pushing you to the limit.
It is hard, I cried and had sleepless nights but knew for my sanity that I had done the right thing for him aswell. We cant hit our kids but we must be able to have some way of controlling them if they hurt people or themselves so that they mature into respected people. I have had my heart feel like it is breaking with all of them but it is only becaujse we love hem and they will in time realise this. Be patient and ride it out, if they make a choice that is not good for them, advise him and most of all be there if it goes wrong. Good Luck
Krista - posted on 01/10/2010
He's a grown man -- 27 years old. No grown adult is going to think that their mother knows what's best for them, regardless of what state their life is in. All you can do is support him, be there for him, and continue to love him.
Nicole - posted on 01/10/2010
I think it's just best that he knows you love him and show him great rewards or encouragement with positive behavior at all times. Motivation like that usually leads to a child wanting more of that positive attention from the parent or adult.DOn't reward any bad behavior. Never give into giving them a toy at the store or something they want when throwing a tantrum or if they treat you bad or talk bad to you. Showing them you are strict with that rule sometimes helps. As far as teenagers, they just want to be rebelious because they are confused about who they are and are trying to figure it out with teachers, and parents, and who ever telling them to be a certain way. A little freedom for them can help a little but some just want to show off for their peers to gain acceptance and will do it at any cost.
Linda - posted on 01/10/2010
Ahhh Just seen your son is 27! No unless he has learning difficulties (then what I wrote will still apply) then he is on his own with his behaviour, so taking a back step maybe a good idea, hard yes but this is tough love, you can only be there for his, if you chose to. He is an adult and needs to learn for himself. Good luck
Linda - posted on 01/10/2010
HI Beverly Not sure of your sons age, but have you thought of Parenting Classes? there are groups for under 10 years and over (teenagers).
They are there to help and you get to meet other parents in the same position.
Main focus is to keep bounderies, no matter their age if you drop your bounderies they will feel scared (even thought they may not show it) and if they become out of control it scares them too!
Reward systems are good at any age. With older children up the anti, discuss with them when they should be rewarded and what they feel they should be rewarded with. Rewards are usually points eg 1 for taking out rubbish 3 for tyding their room or visual use 1p that represent points. If they come up with something totally unacceptable e.g. reward of trip to America then ask them how many points they should get for this? (something like 3,0000 would be a good answer!) NEVER take points/1p's away. ask them what they feel a reasonable punishment would be if they do something that is unacceptable? You can keep this light harted if they suggest someting outragous but they will give you an answer.
Once they have set the terms and conditions with you (this can be done over tea and bicuits or a meal keep it in good humour, even involve other siblings - if any)
They can make a wall chat to track their progress or a note book. You are giving them responsability and respecting their views and getting yours across. Try it you may be plesently surprised!
Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2010
My son is 12 and I am going through something similiar, since it depends on what your child is doing. Since my son is doing nothing illegal, but still in the long run will hurt himself if continues, it breaks my heart. All I can do is everytime he gets caught, is continue to talk to and lecture him. Punishments do not work. Rewards for good behavior does not work. He currently is living for the moment and can't see in the future for punishment of rewards. This last time he did the same thing again, while he was in pushiment stage. It is not that I will stop punishments. Eventually, I pray, he will grow up enough to start thinking in terms of consequences and out of instant gratification.
Jenne - posted on 01/10/2010
My suggestion to you is to just choose what your expectations and realizations for him are, and stick with it, never diverting from those choices. As he grows and continues to be reprimanded or be given consequences for the same "choices" over and over, it will eventually sink in a bit. What has worked well for us is a balance of give and take on priviledges....one we use often is taking away the use of electronics and instead of for a certain amount of time, it's given back as he makes more positive choices...so, it could be gone for a day or a month, just depends on how he reacts and works towards it. It's SO not foolproof, because sometimes we feel like all we do is take. Be consistent, and I think eventually they will all (hopefully) see that you are only trying to help them.
Shawn - posted on 01/09/2010
As a daughter of a mom who tried to keep telling me what is best, believe me he is listening and what you are saying may not be right for him at the time, but he will get there. I was very respectful to my mom (despite my comments back), and still am. She and I finally realized we had to agree to disagree on some things. Especially, child raising.
When I told her I was doing like I thought I had been raised and what I though was right, she saw things a little differently. She is a great Mom and has been there for me on all kinds of things even with my own kids.
I think heartache is a part of parenting, from the time you bring home a second child and your tiny boy looks at you and tells you he 'hates you, send her back', to the teen rebellion, to the college aged know it alls, I have now. When they ask you to sit with them and look over their schedule, you know you might be doing something right.
Tell your son you love him and you expect him to do what is right, even a 27 year old needs to hear that. I am just sorry your son is still aggravating at 27 mine is only 21, I have a long way to go huh!
Suzanne - posted on 01/09/2010
My son is almost 30 and has NEVER accepted that I have already walked the road!! Good luck with that one!!
Treva - posted on 01/09/2010
When someone figures it out let me know
Julie - posted on 01/09/2010
Well I don't think our children fully understand that until they are married and have their own children. I mean did we? All you can do is let your child know what the rules are and enforce consequences when he breaks them. Later talk to him about how his actions make you feel and ask him how he could have handled the situation differently. Point out times when he made the right choice and ask him how it made him feel. Help him to see the difference in how he feels when he makes a good choice versus a bad choice. Hopefully he'll see that he's happier when he makes good choices. Praise him a lot when he makes good choices and when he makes bad ones try not to react emotionally, but just give him the consequence. Hopefully that will encourage him to want the praise more from when he makes good choices. It's hard because our children have free agency. All we can do is teach them what is right, be consistent with consequences when they make a wrong choice, love them a lot and hope and pray for the best. Some children no matter what we do will have to learn things the hard way and make bad choices. Do all you can do and eventually he will learn even if it takes him to adulthood. Good luck!
Oh I didn't see that your son was 27 until after I wrote the first part. Some of what I wrote still applies. As others said if he's still living in your home then he needs to obey your rules or else he can move out with no financial support from you. He'll either conform to the rules if he really wants to live in your house or move out which at his age might not be a bad thing. He's at a stage where you've taught him right and wrong and now it's up to him to decide how he's going to live. If he tries to stay in your home and disrespect you by doing things you don't approve of you might have to face the difficult choice of kicking him out for his own good. Let him know that you love him very much, but you will not tolerate certain behavior in your home or from him while he's living in your home. Now that he's an adult if he doesn't live in your house there's not really a lot you can say about what he does without alienating him. You can let him know once about how a particular choice of his makes you feel, but then it's up to him. If he doesn't care and is determined to do what he wants even though it's bad for him, all you can do is love him and pray for him if you want to keep a good relationship with him. Eventually he will learn. You just have to pray that it's while he's still alive and that none of his bad choices lead to things he can't fix. My heart goes out to you as so far none of my children have done anything too bad. My oldest is 20. However my youngest is 23 months so I still have a long road ahead and I just pray everyday that my children will not be led astray. There is so much more to tempt our children these days then when we were children.
Michelle - posted on 01/09/2010
all you can do is give him advice.. It's his life and you have to let him live it..
Christina - posted on 01/09/2010
I think that at 27 he is an adult and he needs to live his own life. Just love him and offer advice when he asks for it.
Raina - posted on 01/09/2010
Well its very hard as a mother of three high school aged teens its hard, to get it through to them. So they have to learn by example, some things may be good , others may not be example being driving cautiously on the roads, sad to say , young teen was just killed in a car wreck because of the other teens high rate of speed while driving, this really opened up my daughters eyes, and she always make sure that i along with whom ever is riding with her has on the seat belt , and is constantly checking her speed.Things like this as well as others are the only things that really see to grab your kids attention, you can talk all day, but unless its something that they wanna hear its pointless
Janet - posted on 01/09/2010
We all want a better live for our children you can tell them that consaquencence happen when you make the wrong desition. And you wil have to pay for them desition. you can listen to me or learn the hard way. and sometimes they do.
Bettie - posted on 01/09/2010
You can't make his decisions for him, but you can remind him that you love him and of your beliefs on the matter(s). My son made some very serious bad decisions when he was 13-14, but I can tell you now he's 17 and I do see a very bright light coming out of the tunnel!!
Carrie - posted on 01/09/2010
My son is in his early 30's with children of his own and we still have this problem. He is so strict on his kids that it just kills me. I tried talking to him last week and it blew up in my face. He basically let me know that "he" knew what he was doing and I didn't. He was difficult as a teen and honestly ran over me like a bulldozer due to a divorce from his dad. No matter what I tried he ignored me and did what he wanted.
What I'm trying to say is that you just have to accept that he's going to do what he wants no matter what you think. Especially at his age. Just hope that his upbringing will kick in and lead him n the right direction. Hopefully you instilled the right things in him and he will follow those traits you gave him. I know its hard but try not to worry.
Patricia - posted on 01/09/2010
My sons are now 24 (25 in 2 months) and 29. They've gone thru losing a dad and g-parents. They gone thru mistakes. They know they have to make it on their own but mom is always there. I've moved on from just being "mom" and prior to 18 I didn't know anything to "mom" the consultant and they understand what I tried to teach them. As your child gets older he'll remember what you taught him. Mine did and are teaching same values to their sons. Modified of course for the times but basic values still there.
Patricia - posted on 01/09/2010
Keep loving him. He needs that most of all. Not saying you have to keep helping him but don't stop the love.
Cindy - posted on 01/09/2010
When he gets corrected lead him through the reasons why you correct him. So he will be a good person, he will please his parents, he will please God, he will be a good christian (assuming you are) Have him tell you what he did wrong, and you affirm to him that you correct him because you love him. Always end a correction session with a prayer of repentance based on 1 John 1:9, a hug, and I love you so that he understands correction is love. (To not correct is to not love your child) Have him say this. I have a fully grown son who I maintain a good relationship with so I know this method works. It is based first on having a close loving relationship with the child (assuming you do). This works even though for some time when he was younger I wondered.
JAMIE - posted on 01/09/2010
I THINK THE ONLY WAY IS FOR US TO REMAIN BY THEM, KEEP TELLING THEM OUR THOUGHTS, CONSTANTLY REMIND THEM WE LOVE THEM , PRAY TO GOD AGAINA AND AGAIN, AND ALLOW THEM TO MAKE THEIR OWN MISTAKES. IT IS HEARTBREAKING , BUT WE JUST KEEP THE CHANNEL OPEN AND HOPE THEY COME AROUND. GOOD LUCK, I HOPE IT GETS BETTER
Janelle - posted on 01/09/2010
Wish there was a way to help, but I have the same problem with my oldest daughter. Always have. She thought that just cause other kids around here could roam the trailer park and go wherever without clearing it with their parents she had the same privilege (this was when she was 8). She spent a lot of time grounded for disappearing. She's 14 now and still thinks I'm an idiot. Hopefully, she'll eventually realize that I'm not and your son will eventually realize that hey, with age comes wisdom and geez I owe mom an awful large apology.
Heather - posted on 01/09/2010
ALL kids have to learn from their own mistakes....It hurts a mothers heart but as long as it isnt going to physically hurt them then as a mother we need to step back and give them the room to mess up but be there to praying and there to help pick them up when they fall.
Aunt Fred - posted on 01/09/2010
Julie L. - posted on 01/09/2010
I just scanned what was written (should have done that first!!) and I saw that your son is 27 I resigned myself to the fact that he could only learn by my example and as long as I still was their with my love thats all I could do that and lots of prayer! I had to be careful with my 29 year old son that his mistakes would not drag me down too. Lots of prayer!! Good luck
Julie L. - posted on 01/09/2010
I had this whole thing written and then deleted it, because it occured to me that my experience with my 29 year old so and yours that may be under 18 are totally differant, I juset know that the older they get the more you have to start letting go and letting them learn on their own (or they have anger issues with you) with your support. just show lots of love and support.
Sarah - posted on 01/08/2010
He will have to find out for himself. but just keep trying sweetheart. Just make sure you talk to him like hes intelligent.Kids hate to be treated like they are dumb.
Kay - posted on 01/08/2010
My oldest son is 35 and is work release right now because he would not listen to his dad and me when he was younger. He got deeper and deeper in trouble. His Dad died unexpectedly and I was not able to continue to help get him out of debt, supply attorneys, etc. So he is paying the price now. I wish there was a miracle answer, but only God has that. We raised all three of our children in church(their dad was a pastor) and to believe that God does hear us and answer prayer. But they have to want it, we can't do it for them. All you can do is talk quietly, privately and calmly to them and pray it gets through to them. Sometimes they just have to make mistakes in the growing-up process. We all did. I had to give my son completely over to God and keep faith that he was raised right and will come back one day, hopefully soon. My prayers are with you and all the hurting moms out there with rebellious children.
Patricia - posted on 01/08/2010
Depends on his age. You teach them when they are young and as they get older they have to find their own way. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking what we think is best is right. That's not always the case. I've raised 2 sons. Both different. What was right for one wasn't for the other. Once they were grown I didn't always agree w/their decisions and some of them were wrong decisions but they learned from them. I'm proud to say they are fine young men.
Jayde - posted on 01/08/2010
OMG!!!! Hes 27!!!! Hes old enough to know better. Tell him you will be there emotionally but not financially. Not all adults ever grow up mentally. I should know, my brother is 25 and still living at home. When your son finally hits earth with a massive bump be there. Thats all you can do. Its painfully but hes going to learn his own way.
Elizabeth - posted on 01/08/2010
my humble advice to you is to spend time imagining what you really hope/dream/wish for your son. Then imagine how it would feel to have this be reality, I mean really imagine how it would feel for you. Also, spend time thinking positively about your son...imagine all the things in the past you've been proud of, happy about, things you've always admired. I know at first my advice sounds a bit looney, but I've tried similar tactics with my own parenting and am amazed at the results. Instead of putting all your energy into what you don't want--the behavior that's worrying you--put it into good feeling place. It might change your relationship, or at least the way you interact with your son. I wish you luck/blessings and all good things in your parenting.
Donna - posted on 01/08/2010
Berverly, My heart goes out to you. My son is 29 and is still doing things he should not be doing!! I have been practicing tuff love latly and it seem to be working (some what). But MY GOD is that hard. It has been breaking my heart to turn away :( I have had a lot of issues with him since he was in his early teens. But he is coming along. Sooner or later he'll wake up and smell the roses. I have faith.
Joyce - posted on 01/08/2010
Hon, I hate to tell you, but after having 8 children & 17 grandchildren I have learned that you can never convince them that you know what is best, they will eventually learn that when they get to be around 26.
Angie - posted on 01/08/2010
He's an adult and, with God's help, he will come back to the ideals that you raised him with.
Beverly - posted on 01/08/2010
My son is 27
Jodie - posted on 01/08/2010
im 17, i moved outa home when i was 15, and i always thought my parents were against me and never listend to then no matter what the subject was untill about a year and a half ago. I realised that my parents were right way after i moved out and i know now that i must have hurt their feelings horribly. Both my parents have said to me its part of being a parent and i am not looking forward to when my daughter gets like it and i think its guna break my heart and i have full sympathy for you cos i see my younger brother doing exactly what i did and i can see how it hurts my parents more my mother than any one else, good look but i dont think hell realise untill he moves out n is fending for him self or even when he becomes a parent him self. keep it going because it will pay off that i do know lol x
Josette - posted on 01/08/2010
sorry to hear is doing things that break your heart. I know how hard it is trying to make your kids realise you know what's best for them. I have a 19 and 20 year old, trust me i know. unfortunately i like you can't seem to figure out a way. so i have come to the conclusion that they are going to have to learn from their own mistakes and we as parents will be there for them to help pick up the pieces and move on.
Terri - posted on 01/08/2010
If he's young (early teens or beginning puberty) do whatever you can to help him (be strict, give boundaries, make consequences for wrongdoing, etc). If he's past that point unfortunately he's probably going to do what he wants anyway. But even older children can be reminded by their mothers of consequences of actions. Do whatever you can to help him now.....I have a son that I didn't do enough for and he is paying the consequences and I can't help him (wished I would've done more early on).
Kay - posted on 01/08/2010
awww, good luck. How old is he?? my son is 13 and trust me, it gets to be very very trying at times. He has always been stubborn and hardheaded. but being a teen, wow.
If its something he wont get hurt from then let him learn about consequences. If he does a certain thing, his fave toy will get broken (and dont replace it, throw it away). eventually he will realize that his decisions have results he just might not like.
if it will hurt him, just tell him he cant and thats that. Explain your reason why, and leave it there. He can get mad if he wants, but he wont be allowed to get injured.
Kathy - posted on 01/08/2010
If he is living n your house he follows your rules or there are consequences. He may not like it and may get angry but he will realize and appreciate it when he is older. If he is older and not living at home, all you can do is express your opinion and leave it at that. He will have to see for himself. Meanwhile, plant the seed and go on about your business.
Kacy - posted on 01/08/2010
Oh Beverly, I'm so sorry,
How old is he?
My oldest (21) is making about 100 bad choices a day. I am even raising her son at this point.
The sad truth is, that past a certain point, there is not much you can do but let him know you love him and haven't given up on him.
Believe me when I say I feel for you, and I wish you the best.
You can contact me privately if you want to talk more.
Brandy - posted on 01/08/2010
All you can do from what I have been going through with my daughter is to share that with her (that she is hurting me) and pray she will get through her teen yrs ok and mature along the way. When I push to control issues, she pushes more to disobey. Stick to your rules and when he breaks the rules make sure to stick to the punishment set. Good luck :)
Linda - posted on 01/08/2010
You dont!!! He has to realise it himself im afraid.. they dont know how much pain they put us through but we gotta hang in there cos nothing compares to a mothers love and they all need love .. even if they say they hate us. All of their younger life WE make the decisions.. is it any wonder it tears us apart when they start to think for themselves .. all we can do is advise them and be there if it all goes wrong. I had 2 years of trouble with my daughter from 15-17... she made lots of bad judgments and decisions but learned from her mistakes. She is a joy now and im proud shes my daughter (as i always was). I hope it all works out for you.
Kelly - posted on 01/08/2010
unfortunately there is really not too much you can do. About a year ago I sat my 12 and 14 year old sons down and told them the wrong path I went down as a teenager and some of the things I got into without going to deep into it. The reason I did this was because we as moms can tell our children that there are things in life that will hurt them if they choose to go that road but we are "mom" and how would we know that. Well, I wanted my boys to know that I did do some things wrong and I can tell them they are harmful from experience, and also that God is still in the miracle working business and He is the One who changes lives. Just pray for him and believe that God will answer. He may not change overnight but ask God to give your son clarity on the things that you say to him and to give you wisdom to help him to be able to understand.
Colleen - posted on 01/08/2010
Depends how old he is.......I was raised in a very strict home and I just did what I was told regardless, but I don't like raising my kids that way....I believe they have a voice and a brain and they should be able to use it. Really all you can do is calmly tell him your thoughts and feelings and tell him what "you" would do in that particular situation and then leave it to him to decide, if you are right and things turn out bad or wrong for him, he will then realize "oh hmmm...my mom is smart after all"...lol. It may not work out that way everytime, but who's to say his choices are always wrong too????? All the Best :)
Darah - posted on 01/08/2010
How old is he? My middle child is the type that cannot recognize consequence. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but he has to fall before he will remember not to do it again. It is heartbreaking, but he is wired that way.
Stephanie - posted on 01/08/2010
Unfortunately there's no real way to do that. He's going to have to learn on his own. I'm not saying to stop trying to parent but all you can do is try your best and hope something sinks in.