How do I get my son's dad's wife to leave my kid's hair alone?

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2009 ( 115 moms have responded )

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I've asked my son's father to not mess with my son's hair, cause of how short that they cut it. And the fact that we were growing it out some. Well my son's dads wife decided to take it upon herself to cut all of his hair off that we had been growing for the last several months. I am utterly mad, because they've told me before that they wouldn't mess with it. But she didn't want to mess with it before getting pictures done and just chopped all of it off. Please I really need a way to handle this. Cause I've had about enough. I go above and beyond to allow them to have extra time with him and everything else, but they just don't respect the things that I say and it's really going to hurt my son. So any suggestions, please help.

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Kim - posted on 09/09/2009

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What is it about you Americans and your willingness (almost desire) to spend all your time suing each other for anything and everything? If you invested all that money on your families, you wouldn't have half the struggles you do... I don't get it. You live in a country where "everyone has democratic rights", even to own guns if they so desire, yet that obviously hasn't filtered through to the roles of split families and subsequent step parents. I just don't get it.

Kim - posted on 09/09/2009

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Betty, through reading various posts, and drawing on my own experience, I can honestly say that everyday life is guaranteed to stir the pot. Anything we do as stepmothers is guaranteed to piss biomums off because they cannot bear the thought of someone 'replacing' them as their childs mother. They can't cope with the idea that their ex's have moved on and some stranger now has contact with their child and they have no control over that. Stupidly enough, that is the last thing on our minds.They hate that they do not have absolute control over what the child does anymore because they can no longer monitor their activities. They must now trust in the parental competence of the biodad (who they split with for a reason!) and a stranger he has moved on with. And in everymum's mind "nobody could possibly be a better mum than me!" I am no 'glorified baby sitter', mind you if that's the worst biomum thought and said about me, particularly to my SD, I'd be happy! If I went around not wanting to upset biomum all day, I would be afraid to move! You can't go around living your life under someones verbal orders. That is dictatorship.

People like Sharon pass on "helpful information", but like she said, she was "preaching". Her views are nothing but fuel for a merrily burning fire. To suggest that placing a hand on a child, even for a hug is grounds for court action is pathetic to say the least. Why are people so keen to seek legal action for things that upset them. Any mediator who says something so ridiculous as biomum would be well within her rights to take legal action over a hug and win needs to be reported. What a crock of shit. Please people, lets not take this debate to a whole new level by assuming the step mother was and is always out to disregard biomum's wishes and piss her off. Lets not assume that stepmum is just the nursemaid and nanny in the situation. Treat her like shit and she just has to put up with it. As step parents, we KNOW our rights and responsibilities, and our limitations. And we don't all fit the Grimms Fairytale Wicked Stepmother stereotype!

Betty - posted on 09/09/2009

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Trust me I in every way love her like she is my own and go above and beyond in trying to do what is in her best interest. Part of being a good step parent is to avoid stirring the pot though. I guess that's all I meant to say in the first place. If something you do will upset the bio mom than don't do it. The more drama there is the harder it is on the children and than they are left to decide who is right and who is wrong. Is that fair? NO.

Tauni - posted on 09/09/2009

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I do things for my SD all of the time. She is almost 3 and over a year ago I became mama and she calls her BM by her first name. Even as a child she understands that I am the one that cares for her. We remind her that she has 2 mom who love her very much, but in some cases, it is the step parents who end up taking care of the kids. In my case, I met my SD when she was 15 months old. She hadnt been to the Dr. since she was 3 WEEKS old. my husband was told the BM was doing it, but when it came down to it she admitted she lied about taking her in because she didnt want to have to wait at the dr.s office. You are only a "glorified babysitter" if that is what you choose to be.

Tauni - posted on 09/09/2009

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I have dealt with head lice on multiple occasions, I know they prefer clean hair to dirty, but in our town, it is usually one or 2 dirty kids who bring the lice to school and then it becomes a literal infestation each and every school year for the past 15 years or so going through all of the school. I meant that that children, unless supervised are not going to be concerned about washing their hair throughly and taking care of it as it should be if it is left to grow.

Faith - posted on 09/09/2009

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I don't know what state you live in, but if you have full legal custody they do not have a legal right to get his hair cut. You can go down to the court house and file a free paper with the court, (not sure what the paper is called, but they have advocates that will help you for free) it really doesnt do anything but make them go to court and feel like an ass for not complying with your wishes. They won't fine a non-custodial parent or punish them where I live, thankfully my ex and I have a wonderful relationship! so I dont have these issues, but I just read all this stuff when I did our divorce papers.



Before doing anything with the court I would always try to be polite and just ask them politely to not cut his hair and why they cut it. They might have honestly thought they were helping in some way, being as school is going to start, maybe they thought you werent cutting because of money? I would always (even if you know for sure its not) give them the option to take the high road. I would always try to pose the a question as why did you do this? was it because of and leave the of as a negative like thought you didnt have money and they were helping. It gives them an out, and a way to reslove the issue without them taking offense. Otherwise I think its just going to end up with arguements. Just a thought.

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As long as she knows that it bothers you then she/he will keep doing it, sad but thats reality some people are just jerks.

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Tell them to stop messing with his hair. My mom had to do this with my stepmom when I was younger, and it worked. But then, my mom also said that if she cut my hair again (she did it the weekend after I had just gotten a really nice hair cut), that my mom wouldn't be dropping me off to them again for quite a while.

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Quoting Lana:

 My advice would be to have a family meeting, between your son's father, son and if required the new wife as well. But I believe that you should get together and let your son tell all the parties involved how he feels about the issue. And as long as his hair won't be offending you or the father than let the child decide. I believe what the child would like to do regarding his hair comes first, then you- the parent who the child resides with, then the father- who the child visits with and finally the new partner to your ex. But don't tell off the new wife at this meeting, if you offend her she will be more likely to disregard your wishes. Good Luck, and take a deep breath, it's only hair and a haircut doesn't change how much you love your child. Although I know that it does make you mad every time you see the ridicious look haircut, lol, smile and tell your son how much you love him :)



I think this sounds like a wonderful idea, except that you should definitely include the step mom to avoid any miscommunication about the meeting when Dad discusses it with her later. I also think that what your son wants done to his hair should be the ax breaker, it's his hair, 8 or not!



I also think that step moms have more say so then a lot of you seem to give credit for! In many a household w/a man the woman is the one in charge, why would you leave her out? Did this particular ex husband defer to you often when you were together? If so I would think it is safe to assume that he does the same to his current wife. If I were you leaving your child w/them (as you are leaving him with THEM not just HIM!) I would make all of your wishes known to BOTH parties that way there is no mixup later! I also think that the WIFE of your ex would likely assume more rights then a girlfriend and to assume that his wife would not be an acting responsible party to your son is rediculous! No I personally wouldn't want to cut someone's hair w/out discussing it with them first, but if a child came to me (step child, neice/nephew, son/daughter, my friends kids) while they are staying with me and firmly expressed their desire to get their hair cut I would likely take them? And I wouldn't think nothing of it, as it is THEIR head and it is THEIR wishes... not to say that is what happened in this instance but that is how I would personally handle it.



Some parents are too overbearing on their kids and their child's hair! My friend's dad wouldn't let her cut or die her hair and this girl was 15... He aunt was the only one that could cut her hair (1x/yr) and even then it was only to trim... One year her aunt lopped her hair off, as it was the child's wish and i thought it was great! My friend was tons happier w/her hair!



To the woman who's step daughter wants her long hair cut but mom makes her feel an inch big, Dad needs to go in and have a talk with that woman! I'd also track these instances, and possibly bring the child to a counselor to get it recorded to possibly use against her in court! That is mental abuse and should not be tolerated!!! No child should be that afraid of pleasing a parent about something as stupid as a hair cut!

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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and a BIG reason for that is because majority of a PARENTS RIGHTS are LEGISLATED they dont have to be written in your little court order and he can exercise them anytime he wants too wether the child is with him or not until the day those rights are expressly removed by a court...and ifs thats done they cannot legally make an order for childsupport from that parent anymore because they are no longer even recognised as a parent

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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and I love your ignorance you cannot dictate to him issues of day to day care while the child is in his home. thats because you DONT have full custody he still retains his parental rights your order allows your daughter to RESIDE with you for the most part it doesnt give you 100% control over everything related to the child particularly while with the father

Lana - posted on 09/09/2009

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Residency is what you have before a final court order is made. I can still have full custody while he has his parental rights. I love how you are explaining to me about my court orders, lol.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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there is a BIG difference between CUSTODY and RESIDENCY...you dont have full custody because he still has his parental rights you have RESIDENCY

Lana - posted on 09/09/2009

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There is a difference between FULL CUSTODY and VISITATION. I have full custody and yet her father still sees her multiple times a month. CUSTODY and VISITATION are two entirely separate issues.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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oh and having daddies parental rights removed even if he doesnt have visitation you wave bye bye to any form of child support in the process of doing it

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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oh it is also near IMPOSSIBLE to actually have someones parental rights removed.....which is what it would take for you to stop them giving them hair cuts during visitation.......

even if you do have care of the child 100% of the time I would put my money on their parental rights still being intact

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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if he has enough visitation that he is able to do it monthly then you didnt have full custody of her you had shared care



BTW what MOST of you Biomums have is residency with shared parental responsibility...which actually means you cant stop them giving them hair cuts while the child is in their care....what i have in my orders is exceptionally RARE to the point the magistrate almost refused to allow it. and NO family services employee's have ever seen anything like it before

Lana - posted on 09/09/2009

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I too had this issue, with my ex-, except pur daughter had just turned a year old when her father decided to take her for her first hair cut without discussing it with me, when I had full custody of our daughter. I was very upset that he had done it, and in the following year he continued to do it monthly. And the haircut looked to be a home haircut, I even put off doing professional pictures because the haircuts were so badly done. My advice would be to have a family meeting, between your son's father, son and if required the new wife as well. But I believe that you should get together and let your son tell all the parties involved how he feels about the issue. And as long as his hair won't be offending you or the father than let the child decide. I believe what the child would like to do regarding his hair comes first, then you- the parent who the child resides with, then the father- who the child visits with and finally the new partner to your ex. But don't tell off the new wife at this meeting, if you offend her she will be more likely to disregard your wishes. Good Luck, and take a deep breath, it's only hair and a haircut doesn't change how much you love your child. Although I know that it does make you mad every time you see the ridicious look haircut, lol, smile and tell your son how much you love him :)

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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betty you are only a glorified babysitter if that is all you ever want to be to that child



thats like saying grandparents are only glorified babysitters...iv got news for you grandparents can go for custody too anyone with an established relationship with the child CAN....its not an easy fight in court but provided you do the work it can be done

Betty - posted on 09/09/2009

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I would just like to say that as a step mom I would never cut my step daughters hair without talking to my husband about it and he would never agree to it unless his ex said it was alright. Step parents are glorified babysitters and don't get to make choices for the children. All we can do is get permission from one or both parents.

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After reading all the posts my only question is DID the SM know that Biomom didn't want the hair cut? If BM is only talking to dad then doesn't that leave room for miscommunication???

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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i should mention BTW ANY member of the public can report a childs need to their school and ANY member of the public has the legal right to apply for custody of a child but in order to win they need to be able to prove an ongoing relationship with the child :)

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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lol you havent given legally correct advice it is only correct for your state...I was an international fathers rights advocate for 8 years

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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Oh brother.



Its not a topic for debate - I gave the OP honest advice, legally correct advice, and you guys are just rambling on based on your emotions. Sad - you've only proven that you think as stepmoms - you think your opinion over rides the biological mother because you say so.



That isn't true.



But this isn't a debate topic and I'm done trying to preach to people who can't legal versus emotional.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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her PARENTS her bioparents have simply tried to keep her happy since she turned 10 and stopped taking it to court....because they know where she would be living on paper if they ever did and it wouldnt be with either of them

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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if he is right he is ONLY right in arizona in the majority of countries and states :) Im right

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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Margaret how dense are you?



You would have to go to court and get those. And until recently stepparents rarely won those rights.



In Arizona - the mediator is right, our lawyer is right. It would go to court - it probably wouldn't pan out, but I had my own two children at the time to consider. Would you jeopardize your children? I doubt it.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

OH and I'd like to point out that during one of our many mediations with my stepsons bio mom - it was pointed out that if I ever attempted to discipline my stepson or put physical hands on him (for even a hug) she would take legal action and the mediator indicated that she could legally do it - depending on the supporting statements I might or might not face charges.

I'm not kidding. She was a nut who didn't give a crap about anything but her child support check, and I met my husband 8 years after they divorced and she still had issues.


lol you had a REALLY bad mediator you would only be facing criminal charges if you were abusing the child

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

And I'm telling you now as stepmothers YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS.

If your husband dropped dead today - you have no rights to the children.


Iv got news for you hun step parents can and do apply for visitation and even custody....





I should also mention my husband and I have been split for 3 years....my step daughter and I have remained in contact since even since I moved interstate she comes to visit although I dont need orders to make it happen she is 14 almost 15 now.



if she wants she can even come to live with me she could even when we first separated once they are 10 the courts respect a childs wishes even if its to live with a step parent

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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OH and I'd like to point out that during one of our many mediations with my stepsons bio mom - it was pointed out that if I ever attempted to discipline my stepson or put physical hands on him (for even a hug) she would take legal action and the mediator indicated that she could legally do it - depending on the supporting statements I might or might not face charges.



I'm not kidding. She was a nut who didn't give a crap about anything but her child support check, and I met my husband 8 years after they divorced and she still had issues.

Sarah - posted on 09/09/2009

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Well my husband and I are not split up but I usually decide when the kids get their hair cut...but if my husband decided whatever he is their father which means simple little things like haircuts shouldnt have to be discussed with each other....does he get mad at you when you take your son for a hair cut? now if we were talking about something that would endanger the child that is one thing...but I would be like ok you just saved me a load of $$ thanks for getting his hair done....

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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And I'm telling you now as stepmothers YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS.



If your husband dropped dead today - you have no rights to the children.

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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LOL You guys are funny. you're taking extreme circumstances and trying to apply them to a mother who cares about her child and is trying to maintain her place as his mother.



Just because your husbands have ex's who are morons and idiots does not mean the OP is.



The fact is she had a goal in mind and the step mom ignored the orders. She was out of line and its legally actionable. Is it silly? yes. But its a sign that she isn't going to respect the bio mom - and in this case REAL mom in any decision.

Kim - posted on 09/09/2009

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Thank you Margaret. This is exactly the point. Its all just a powerplay. Mum says its wrong, so poor kid has to go along with it cos mum is always right. We don't want to upset mum, do we.

OMG Sharon - can't you see what you are saying here? We all have rights in the way we bring up our kids - so long as we do what is in their best interests. How do you know she did it "Just to be a bitch"? You don't know her, so do presume to know why she did it (what was it again? Oh, that's right, got his hair cut. Well, quick! Grab your torches and pitchforks - we's agunna have a lynchin!) Please! It's not like he had waist length golden brown hair which was suddenly cut off! And a form of self expression? The kid is 8 years old! Hair is hair. Its a HUGE difference to dietary requirements and medication needs. The one thing you've actually got right here is the word 'order'. As in command. As in Dad doesn't even get a say in what he can do for his son. Its all about what mum wants. Amanda, I am not saying this to be nasty to you. I understand you are upset over this. But is it really worth getting your son so upset that he only tells you what he thinks you want to hear? As for his dad, is he telling you it was nothing to do with him because that's the easy answer - perhaps he figured you'd get this narked over it and he wanted to try to avoid a huge agro match. How about getting together with the two of them, accept what she has to say, accept that she has a vested interest in the raising of your son (it will make things easier for him as well because he won't feel torn between doing 'the right thing' in two households) and work together. If you can't do that, just accept that you are different people with the same goals but differing ways to achieve them. While you see things they do that shit you off, no doubt they see things you do that shit them just as much. You may very well find that she doesn't do things just to be a bitch, she does it because she cares about your son and wants to do things any 'normal' family does. It's all part of family life. There are bound to be times when you think "I wish she wouldn't do that." But you cannot order someone to do what you want (unless they are endangering your child). You are all adults. Work together as adults, or face the consequences (one of which being an emotionally and psychologically unstable kid - trust me, I know what I'm talking about on this one!)

Crystal - posted on 09/09/2009

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It's sad to read about the little insignificant things that throw parents out of whack. It's a shame to see how children are more viewed as objects to have control over rather than looking at it as how many people the children have who care for them. Be thankful your children have a father AND step-mother in their lives. Be thankful the father did not "give up his children" FOR the new wife! There is so much to be thankful for that you don't realize how much worse it could be than just an insignificant haircut. She didn't beat him or abuse him. You by your own admission stated that that you were not able to take him. Why is it that new comers in a relationship have to accept children as part of who we want but its not shared in return? You have to accept the fact that she is as much a part of your sons father as your son is to his father.



Grow up and get over it. It's a way for you to control your kids and it's sick! As for step-parents having say in the kids lives, I feel to an extent yes they do. If the childrens biological father was beating them, wouldn't you WANT her to step in? HELLO HERE? You would be the first ones complaining that she knew and did nothing.



Bottom line is, children are precious and they grow fast. Enjoy what time you have and quit getting pissy over the minute things.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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i might legally have no rights...but that doesnt mean I cant do things for my step daughter I managed to obtain for her necessary surgery which her mother had neglected for over 4 years simply by not bothering to take her too appointments, I maintained her hair while her mum was self obsessed by braiding her hair with tiny braids between visits, and yes I can legally order necessary assistence for her through the school system and refer her for speech pathology and hearing assessments through the school system too and yeah her mum can jump up and down all she likes if I do it! when she shouldve been the one doing it

but she cant sue me for doing it in FACT we can have her investigated for NEGLECT if she tries to stop it

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

I don't think you get the big picture. If they won't follow her directions for a simple haircut what else are they going to ignore? Medication? Dietary restrictions?

I was the stepmom and the biomom was fiercely protective of her rights. I loved my stepson and I didn't need to cause any huge waves. I found a way to take care of him without pissing her off. My kids don't have a stepmom in their lives as their father and I are still married.

Hair seems like a silly thing argue about but its a form of my kids self expression. My daughter has gorgeous waist length golden brown hair, if someone cut it off without my say so, they wouldn't walk away to do it again.

My son's both have their hair cut to their specifications and I pay good money at a salon for that.

Face it. The stepkids are NOT your kids. You have no rights. If the bio mom is a crackpot - that really sucks. But it doesn't give you rights. You have to go to court for that. Trust me - we tried and tried to get my stepsons biomoms rights annulled.

I'm not saying the biomom is always right. But the fact here is that the bio mom is right to insist that the stepmother NOT cut her childs hair. She was talked to, she ignored the request/order - why? Just to be a bitch.


read between the lines this whole hair thing is what SHE wants she has TOLD her son what to say she hasnt spoken to him...

Sharon - posted on 09/09/2009

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I don't think you get the big picture. If they won't follow her directions for a simple haircut what else are they going to ignore? Medication? Dietary restrictions?



I was the stepmom and the biomom was fiercely protective of her rights. I loved my stepson and I didn't need to cause any huge waves. I found a way to take care of him without pissing her off. My kids don't have a stepmom in their lives as their father and I are still married.



Hair seems like a silly thing argue about but its a form of my kids self expression. My daughter has gorgeous waist length golden brown hair, if someone cut it off without my say so, they wouldn't walk away to do it again.



My son's both have their hair cut to their specifications and I pay good money at a salon for that.



Face it. The stepkids are NOT your kids. You have no rights. If the bio mom is a crackpot - that really sucks. But it doesn't give you rights. You have to go to court for that. Trust me - we tried and tried to get my stepsons biomoms rights annulled.



I'm not saying the biomom is always right. But the fact here is that the bio mom is right to insist that the stepmother NOT cut her childs hair. She was talked to, she ignored the request/order - why? Just to be a bitch.

Kim - posted on 09/09/2009

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Its just hair.. And some people need to get over it. Why should the father relinquish his say in ANY aspect of a child's care? If it needed doing, and mother said it did (remember!) then whatever. Oh, and by the way. Sharon? (Sharon Grey

yesterday, 12:49 pm Tell her if she does it again you will file assault charges against them. Enough is enough. You are the mother and they need to stop disrespecting you.) I seriously doubt you can file assault charges over a haircut! It's attitudes like yours that creates such disharmony in split relationships. Neither mother nor father has more say than the other parent in any issue. Both have equal responsibilities to the child/children in question. If you can't get along amicably over hair then God forbid anything actually relevant occurs in the poor kids life. And as for the belly-piercing at 13 comment Joanne? What has that got to do with anything? There is a huge difference between a haircut and a belly piercing! For one thing, haircuts don't tend to last ten years! Mandee, the headlice thing is crap. SD never has her hair washed properly at biomums, nor is it tied back, yet she came to us on three consecutive weekends with headlice - after being around kids who also never washed their hair.

Sadly, ladies, the ongoing issues between biological and step parents are painful for ALL involved. In many cases what it comes down to is inflicting as much pain on the other party as possible. Stand by your mediation and court orders, but always remember they are only as good as the honesty that is required. In our experience words said in mediation mean nothing (and may well be lies) and court orders are made to be broken. How is any of this meant to help any of our kids?

Kim - posted on 09/09/2009

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This is much bigger than a hair cut and I would get to the root of the problem. This sounds more like a battle of wills trying to be fought by the step-mom. I have been dealing with my wife-in-law since my son was six - he is now 14. We didn't get along in the beginning mostly because she was jealous of me. Once when we met to drop off my son, she would made the comment - now you are going to get some REAL discipline. She was joking but I had a conversation with my ex-husband and basically told him that if she ever made comments about my ability as a mother again, we would have to address visitation. That put an end to it pretty quickly. Now we don't communicate at all only because my ex is out of town and we only talk when it is time for my son to go visit.

If your child lives with you most of the time, it is your decision about his hair. If you and your ex had an agreement, he needed to inform the step-mom of that agreement. Now that she has gone against your wishes, HE needs to be the one to address it with his wife and ensure it doesn't happen again. Otherwise, this could very easily just turn into a catfight and nobody wins and it causes stress with your child. Believe me, they know what's going on. There is more under the surface here regarding why she went against your wishes.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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mind you saying that my kids arent ever even going to have a step mum until one of his lays has the nouse to meet ME face to face before ever meeting my kids....and unlike most of you I have court order which clearly designate me as the parent making all the decisions because he is irresponsible when it comes to those things. and he literally only visits them....

which means he comes HERE to visit them.

Margaret - posted on 09/09/2009

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Quoting Kim:

Oh you are absolutely right, I am completely insane. An absolute retard to think that a person would care more about their own feelings than those of their kids. I have every right to step in and advocate for a child in my care and for those of you who disagree, I do feel very sorry for you. It must be so hard being so self-centred that you regard your own feelings over the wellbeing of an innocent child. So what if I didn't give birth to her? So what if I make the biological mother upset? I truly don't give a rats ass about what she thinks. I am happy to admit it. She has screwed all of her kids and their respective fathers over in so many ways it is unimaginable. I AM a co-parent of my step-daughter, like it or not. I am here and I am here to stay. I am the one supporting my step-daughter and her father in all the decisions they have to make, mine is the shoulder that they cry on when biomum's shit hits the fan. And guess what! I am the one SD comes running to when she has a problem that she doesn't want to upset mum or dad with. My role as her step-parent is just as important to her as a biological parent, and if you can't see that, excuse me but you can get fucked!
Life for a step-child, or a child in any type of blended family, is hard. It is emotionally draining to be constantly changing to please one parent or another. You don't know who you are and you usually end up blaming yourself when either parent is upset. It's a truly sucky life to live. My role in SD's life, the care I provide her, is to speak on her behalf, to benefit her health and wellbeing, and to be there for her when she has nowhere else to turn. I feed her, clothe her, bathe her, treat her injuries (both physical and psychological), I read her stories at bedtime, I share in her happiness, and I comfort her when she is sad. I spend valuable time with her and I teach her. I enjoy her accomplishments and I pick her up when she is struggling with things. Most important of all, I love her, and she loves me. And we aren't afraid who knows it. If that's not parenting, then I ask you, what is?
Don't give me that crap about leaving it to the parents cos I am only stirring the pot. As a parent my duty is to my family - and SD is a member of my family.
I am aware of the difficulties between biological parents - trust me, this biomum breaks every possible court ruling, even choosing to have elective surgery on the kids without even letting the fathers know about it (and we are talking circumcision on a four year old, here!). I am a person who won't put up with crap. If an advocate is needed, and in my SD's case, and in the cases of many step-children, it is, then I am the one to step up to the plate. If you don't like it, stiff!


Kim don't let them get to you I am both a step mother and a Bio mum and the thing is biology doesnt determine that someones opinion IS in the child's best interest, responsibility, morality and genuine concern DOES and quite often in situations of divorce that isnt coming from mum or dad or sometimes even dads girl friends....I essentially raised my step daughter because both of her parents were more concerned with their study and social life.



but that doesnt mean that all bio parents are selfish either.



iv seen some damned useless step mums out there too who all they want to do is stick it to mum...



BUT what ADULTS mature responsible ADULTS need to do is realises hair is hair it will grow back it isnt a life and death issue... you need to sit back and pick your battles and actually COMMUNICATE with these kids to know what is important. it isnt about Mum or dad or step parent being right its about these kids.

Mandee - posted on 09/09/2009

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Quoting Tauni:
 who usually dont wash their hair throughly...I think its asking for head lice, etc, unless your child is home schooled.


Just FYI, your less likely to get head lice if your hair is dirty as they prefer clean hair. I hope you never have the experience of going through it because it is absolutly horrible what you need to do to get rid of them.

Tauni - posted on 09/08/2009

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we had this issue, kind of. My little brother's mom told him that he had big ears and that he needed to keep his hair long to hide it. I care for my brother after school and finally took him in to get his hair cut after people started mistaking him for a girl from behind because of his hair. I think that the shaggy, long hair look is ridiculous, especially for younger children(my lil bro is 11) who usually dont wash their hair throughly...I think its asking for head lice, etc, unless your child is home schooled. ANYWAYS, his mom freaked out and called my dad and caused a big fuss about nothing. Its hair, it will grow back, and Im sure it will get cut again sometime, even if you dont want it to. Control is what this seems to be about to me. You cant fight over things like hair and expect to not fight over bigger things. Eventually your kid will get drug into the middle and it will be hell for him. Talk to your ex. My husband and I make it a point to have a sit down conversation at least once a month about the health/well being of our 2 yr old daughter. We have no court orders, we dont fight much, we keep it nice and easy for the sake of our daughter.

Sharon - posted on 09/08/2009

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I dunno about you guys but if someone hacked up my childs hair in an unacceptable manner I'd kick their ass. I take pride in my childrens appearances. They have nice clothes and good haircuts. My husband took the boys to a barber shop where they really screwed up my younger son's hair. Now we're in the process of growing it out so it can be cut properly. Its messy looking. But its a stage he has to go through to get his hair back to the style he likes.

The step mother had no right to cut the childs hair. She had been told to not touch it and she had been told why. The OP never said she couldn't afford to get the childs hair cut, that it was in the process of growing out.

Kim you're nuts. You have no rights over your step kids. Let your husband handle it. You're only stirring the shit pot by acting on your own and setting yourself up for legal action. Maybe you're right. But its not your call. Unless the childrens real mother Oks it.

My stepson ALWAYS showed up with nasty looking hair. His mother was a manicurist who worked in a full service salon. Whenever he came to visit the first thing he asked for was a haircut. I never took him to the salon unless specifically asked by my husband. I let them hash it out. I never gave her a reason to hate me. We got along ok. She tried. She really tried to make a big deal out of things. But since I never actually punished her child, or took him to get his haircut, she had to deal with my husband. I fed her child, washed his clothes and loved him.

Mandee - posted on 09/08/2009

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lol. It seems like it's always the little things that throw us over the edge after a lot of bigger things happening.

Kate - posted on 09/08/2009

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Wow what a heated debate! I had no idea splitting up could create such an argument for split ends! lol. Sorry, what entertaining reading tho!!!

[deleted account]

it looks like a case of sheer disrespect for your wishes in regards to your own son..have a talk with her..not him..it will just make things bad..tell her this will be the last time you tolerate it or you will see her in the orphans courts division where you can file against her for going against what you and the father agree upon, considering you have already told him numerous times how you feel about it..Use no sarcasm for then she may become vengeful..handle it as an adult...good luck!

Christine - posted on 09/08/2009

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I agree with you Joanne,,, a Step-parent does not have the right to make decisions regarding the child. It's up to the biological parents. "Co-Parenting works great IF both sets of (bio) parents can work together. Unfortunately this isn't always the case and sometimes extra steps need to be taken.

Mandee - if your step daughter is afraid of making her Mommy (or Daddy) upset and there are discussions infront of the child that could upset her then oviously there are other underlying issues. I make a strong point in NEVER speaking badly about my son's father and always telling him that his Father loves and supports him. Regardless of how I feel at the time or about a subject, I can work out those issues without making my son feel like he has made one of us upset. I also explain that disagreements and mistakes happen but that any type of family ( a family together or in separate homes) and that it's okay to have differences of opinions as long as each person can respect the other and can make comprimises when needed.

Let's not forget that ultimately it's about the needs and what is best for the child(ren) which should be made by the biological parents.

It's not always the easiest thing to be the bigger person but ultimately its the best for the child until they are of an age where they can form opinions of each parent for them selves.

Amanda - I would (once your calm and have your thoughts together) call your Ex and explain once again how you feel about the subject and let him know if you can come to some form of agreement about discussion these things before hand then you'll be forced to seek mediation with a councilor (it's slightly cheaper than going to the courts) and he will be responsible for 50%. If you can put it in writing in an email and Cc your lawyer,,, ( trust me THAT works all the time).

Yes Ladies it seems extreme BUT my guess is that it won't come to that once Amanda can get it into her EX's head that he needs to talk to her about certain things.

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