How do I get my three year old to listen and follow directions?

Natalie - posted on 01/05/2011

This might sound kind of strange but I have tried all the above techniques with my son, except time-out. I've always felt it's a bit disrespectful somehow to make someone sit in front of everyone else because they are being punished. Your daughter is terrific. She has a very strong mind and wants to have her say, which is very admirable actually. You should be impressed though I imagine you are more tired and frustrated. What I found actually works best with my son is to just speak to him about it. No doubt let your daughter know what the routine is and be consistent. It is 7.30pm/8.30pm/whatever and that's bedtime. When she resists I agree with some of the other people posting who say give her a choice of which pj's she'd rather wear. Would she like to take a special toy to bed? My son started taking really quite random things to bed - a lego board; a racing car; really inconvenient things but I let him decide and he was happy to go to bed. Also, when it's not bedtime and you're not having this conflict don't forget to let her know why these routines are important for her. If she gets a good sleep, her body grows strong/she's a happier girl/she stays healthier. I have discussed these things with my son also regarding candy - "why can't I have candy?" because it is not good for your body. Too much can make your body sick. I care about your health. It's important to eat real food and sometimes have candy if it's a special treat. Kids are very intelligent and they understand that we make choices for them which are for their benefit. Good luck, I know it can be a struggle and we are always having to come up with some new way to help our kids cooperate.

Katy - posted on 01/05/2011

Isn't that the truth!!

Beth - posted on 01/05/2011

sounds mean, but yes...there were a couple of times when my son would wake up in the middle of the night to go potty, but he seemed to be stuck in limbo between awake and asleep and would instantly start throwing the biggest tantrum you have ever seen....completely out of control of himself, eyes closed, standing in front of the toilet. in desperation i flicked cold water in his face to try and snap him out of it. seemed to work a bit, but i don't think that he fully even knew what he was doing at these times.

Nan - posted on 01/05/2011

It must be the age! I too, have a 66 year old who won't follow directions. They have a mind of their own....and it's not on what we are saying. Sometimes I ask mine to repeat what I just said....he rarely can. :)

Holly - posted on 01/05/2011

They come out of the womb crying (demanding) and being instantly tended to. At about 2 yrs...they discover they don't want to hear the word "No"...and that it has power!! I went through this more with my son than my daughter. Dueto some other issues with a stern preschool tecaher...he became downright belligerent 24/7. I had the WONDERFUL blessing of meeting a woman who had worked with many children, using a program she created. She was kind enough to talk to me on the phone as I dealt with him and within 2 months my in-laws showed up at the door. They sat my husband and I down and said, "We want to know if you're drugging Philip and hiding it from the family." I busted out laughing...but, understood their question. The change in him was dramatic!!
I actually have two videos I just posted on YouTube to show friends how I used it. Go look:
My son was expelled from K4...yes...expelled at 4. He's now in the 4th grade and his teachers love him. His classmates love him. I have letters written by his classmates in teh 2nd grade that I saved because I was so grateful to see who he was choosing to be when someone wasn't there to tell him how to act. My favorite was..."Sometimes you is good. Sometimes you is bad. But, you always help me. You a good friend."
I couldn't hope for more.

Ester - posted on 01/05/2011

When you have to feed the baby, read a book to your daughter at the same time. As to the not listening, you have to be firm and stick to your word. Don't let her sway you. If you do, it will NEVER improve. She has to learn to respect her elders and that starts NOW! The posts that I have read are really on the mark. And something that works if she throws a fit, A glass of water or a water gun to startle them with. It takes their mind off the fit entirely.

Alexis - posted on 01/05/2011

hi i havent read any of the peplies, but i found it hard with my kiddies, i have 16 months between my two, i attended a couple of groups on kids behavoural issues. it was very useful. a lot of it easier said than done though, but consistancy is the key.
my boys are 5 and nearly 4 if they hit kick bite or be naughty in general i dont say anything to them, i take them by the hand and walk them into their room, i say that they are not allowed out until mummies phone makes a noise, i put the timer on ( 1 min for each year of age) if they come out then i add another min. when they eventually make it out the room, i kneel down to their level and ask them why they had to go to their room, they will normally tell you . if they bit for eg then i would say "do we bite" they would say no, i would ask why do we not bite? they would tell me that it hurts and its not nice to bite. then i make them say sorry, but i also make the other child tell them that they dont like it hurts....
but otherwise ask your daycare centre how they get the kids to listen, and follow that in you home....
otherwise i find that if you want the toys to be put away then sit in the middle of the room and ask her to HELP mummy put the toys away, they love to help, and all you need to do is ask for this toy and that toy and she should put them away...
for me its all about how you word things....
good luck

Beth - posted on 01/05/2011

i agree Nan!!!!!! i realized i had been focusing on all the negative behaviors instead of praising for the good behaviors! it is amazing how much children really do want to please (contrary to the message their behavior is often sending) and they will EXCELL when they see you are pleased with them.

Beth - posted on 01/05/2011

i do not want to sound like i have all the answers, because i absolutely do not. :-) we have just been through almost every challenge a child can present with bedtime especially in the the last year and we struggled incredibly. i was often in tears, sometimes right in front of my son, pleading with him to behave. how pathetic is that?? i would say that was handing him the power on a silver platter! i do not think that by making them stay where they are asked to be is sending a negative message/view about their room or bedtime at all. they know that their room is a safe and comforting place. they just don't want to miss out on anything and want you to be front and center with them. they will try anything within their willpower to accomplish this. it is ok to go in and comfort for a short minute, reaffirm what it is you are asking her to do and then immediately leave again. she will eventually get the point. it requires an incredible amount of patience (which i do NOT come by naturally!). it takes everything out of me to consistently remain calm and in control of my emotions...sadly it doesn't always happen and i immediately feel that i lose the upper hand. if you have provided a safe and secure environment to this point in her life she has no reason to feel otherwise about the situation. she is simply at the age that she is trying to assert her will. i will say it again, to anyone who has not seen my other ten million posts today: LOVE & LOGIC....it will make it crystal clear. also, as with all things that are difficult...time will help loads. they will grow and develop past this to a certain extent. but the way you deal with it now sets the ground work for the future. they say the first three years are the most formative and after that they are simply reaping the work you have done. i feared i had missed the boat on this, but trust me...it is never too late. best wishes.

Lenea - posted on 01/05/2011

LOL!! She is listening. She is also ignoring you and not obeying. Not abnormal for a 3 yr. old with a new sibling. Her world has been rocked, big time. She's been replaced as Mommy's baby, at least in her mind, and is acting out. You know that old adage, negative attention is better than no attention.
Still you cannot let her get away with the mis-behaviour. She needs to know that the limits and rules are still there for her. It will make her feel safe and secure if things stay as steady as possible.
Now, what you think may be enough attention, is not near as much attention as she was getting before the baby showed up. After all, a new baby has a lot of demands, and you are probably exhausted. Your body has been through a lot, and your reserves are probably at an all time low. Never-the-less, your daughter does not understand this.
If at all possible, attend to her needs before the babies needs, and let her help you as much as possible.
She should be able to fetch diapers, binkies, wipes, blankies, etc. for you. Praise her for a good job or for being a good helper. Make her feel that she is still special to you. Make sure you are not totally focused on the baby.
I used to snuggle and take a nap with my 3 yr old, on the couch, while my new-born was taking her afternoon nap. That way, everybody got a much needed rest, and the 3 yr. old got some much needed 'Mommy time'.
Sorry for the ramble and the laugh. Been there, done that. (Twice.) Hope it helps.

Betty - posted on 01/05/2011

If possible spend "extra" time with her before bedtime reading her a short story. there are some really good ones out there, i like the ones by Joy Berry. Also ask her help with baby brother so she feels involved.

Beth - posted on 01/05/2011

a good counselor....trauma and upset can curve a child's development forever if not addressed. no matter the age or circumstance. she is clearly trying to let you know that she is upset about the split in her family. things that we do not see as particularly traumatizing can be extremely upsetting to children as they do not have the tools and life experience to process such things. my parents split in a very nasty way when i was 15 and it was extremely traumatic to me. i was never offered any counseling and i could have used it for sure. i have received counseling as an adult and it has helped me realize and work through things that i didn't even know were still effecting me. just make sure that the counselor is a good fit...they are not one size fits all...good luck.

Beth - posted on 01/05/2011

hahahaha....lol...I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! so sorry, dear. stick to it. it will get better. it's NOT funny, but it really does make you want to laugh. they are smart little buggers!!

Sharyn - posted on 01/05/2011

how do I get my 66 year old husband to listen and follow directions????

Suzie - posted on 01/05/2011

Unfortunately you have not set any consequences so far in her life. She can not be expected to all of a sudden know how to react to your sudden change of discipline. When she was able to respond to her name and know who she was and who you are , that was the time to start to set boundaries and limitations to what she was allowed to do or how to behave. I raised 3 children alone and now I am a retired school teacher and caring for my 2 year old grandson since he was 7 months old , while my son and daughter-in-law are teaching school. Even before I started taking care of him on a daily basis he would come and visit at my home and he would respond to rules in my home. Now that he is 2 years old he is a pleasure to be around. We go out to lunch, go shopping, to the Zoo ,go on play dates with other children his age and he has never been too hard to handle or misbehaved in any circumstance. I have high expectations for children and believe they can understand and respond in a positive way if they have rules and know and understand the boundaries you set for them. But what has happened is you did not set the small and easy rules that she could follow at a young age, now you want her to behave like a mature 3 year old when she has been a immature do what she pleases infant. As you have stated she is a loving and fun child but only when she is getting her way. She knows what is expected of her at daycare because the consequences have been in place from the beginning, therefore she follows the rules to be able to participate in the activities she likes. You have a very tough job ahead of you starting at the middle instead of at the beginning with your rules and disciplining procedure . There is no time like the present, you and your husband need to band together and make sure you both are doing the same thing for the same unwanted behavior. It will take a lot longer to stop this negative behavior because she has already has her position and behavior set in the family. With the new baby if you do not get her to listen and know what she can and can not do around the baby , she may hurt the baby not knowing the consequences to the baby and to her . Sincerely A mom/Grandma

Nan - posted on 01/05/2011

Does she get more attention by not listening? Three year olds are very smart and she must be getting what she wants by not doing what you tell her to do. Reverse it and give her more attention when she listens.

Kelly - posted on 01/05/2011

I have a 2&1/2 year old daughter and a six month old daughter. Bed time can be a a struggle with my 2&1/2 year old. We have a routine: bath, get into PJs, bottle, read a story, brush teeth then bed. When she goes to bed we shut her door. We've gone through different phases, but at the moment she's now tall enough to open her door and she thinks it's a super fun game to get out of bed, open the door and "sneak" out of her room. We catch her, put her back to bed and it all starts again. Some nights it carries on until way too late at night. It's so frustrating I decided to take the handle off her door so she can't open it from inside, she HATES it and cries and screams, calls out "mummy" anything to get my attention for up to an hour before going to sleep. Meanwhile I feel awful and guilty, I feel like she's a prisoner in her own room. If I go in to comfort her, the crocodile tears stop, she smiles and I feel totally duped! Uuuughh. I'm concerned the locked door method may give her negative feelings about going to bed. The outcome I want is for her to go to bed and go to sleep without the fuss, I don't think a sticker chart will work as a positive reinforcement in this situation. Does anyone have ideas on a positive method for this situation?

Trudy - posted on 01/05/2011

i am having the same issues with my 3 year old daughter. she is very polite and well mannered (for the most part:)) but when it come to picking up her toys when she is done its a battle then the tantrums start she has 2 older siblings that live with there mother and the battle of her picking up her toys and throwing fits has just started recently when the oldest went back to live with her mother and now when she gets mad or upset when she is asked to pick up her toys or to follow any directions now she will say i know you don't love me and then she says i miss my sissy you made her leave . i don't know what else to do i looked up somethings and it all come back to either axiety or depression or grieving ? any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

Beverly - posted on 01/05/2011

Make sure you are looking her in the eye, especially the left eye, when you politely request her to do a task...and try to make it fun! For instance, hide something in her bed and challenge her to find it, but first she most follow these steps: Brush teeth, get PJs on, etc...
Good luck!

Jolene - posted on 01/05/2011

I have a 3 1/2 year old son, and I'm 3 mths pregnant - so to suffice to say I don't have the energy nor the patience for my sons outburst. I have found it very useful for bedtime struggles to talk about what he will do when he wakes up. Before nap-time while eating lunch we talk about games or crafts that he wants to do when he wakes up from his nap, and after he finishes eating - he walks to his bedroom reciting to me what he's going to do when he wakes up. He also knows that if he doesn't go to sleep or fights me on it, that the activity is no longer avail for him to do. It takes the pressure off on what he's missing out on vs. what hes looking forward to. As soon as his eyes pop open, he's reminding me whats next. lol. Now Im dealing with monsters in his closet in the middle of the night.... so he winds up in my bed! Good Luck. Just remember, everything is about play, you just gotta find the trick that makes both of you happy!

Anissa - posted on 01/05/2011

I have two boys three years apart. My oldest did the same. You might try asking her to help out with her brother. That seemed to help with my oldest. They feel they are really helping.

Michelle - posted on 01/05/2011

My daughter is nearly 4. I noticed that when she turned 3 she really wanted to have her own way. She and I are buddies and I have a more difficult time than my husband getting her to listen. I have discovered a few things that work pretty well. I count to three, first telling her which toy or privilege she will lose when I get to three. If I get to three and she hasn't done what I want her to, I take the toy away and tell her she can earn it back with good behavior.
We also use time outs if she has gotten beyond the rational.
Also, in general, giving her more responsibility works well and gives me the opportunity for positive comments. "I am proud of you for washing your hands all by yourself" or "thank you for helping mommy find all the matches to the socks in the laundry." This is nice for me because I don't feel like all I do is yell at her..Since you have a baby, getting her to help with the baby will give her a sense of responsibility and place in the family.
Hope that helps!

Tanya - posted on 01/05/2011

be alittle bit strong with her so she can kind of get the ponit oso she can kind of understand what ur tellin herat time stop her and tell her to look at u in the eyes and to listen to u or tell her to do something u want her to do and then give her ice cream after she done doin what u ask her to do that should help just alittle hint good luck..

Sandy - posted on 01/05/2011

My son is 12 so it's been a long time since I've had a 3 year old in our house, BUT the one thing I would do if he didn't listen to me was take away his favorite toy(s) and keep it until he would start listening. Mind you this "punishment" still works and has worked for every age except now it's the guitar, computer, xbox etc that gets confiscated rather than a toy.

Janis - posted on 01/05/2011

Bedtime stories give them something to focus on and short bursts of conversation during the story with her. Helps her relax and listen and it's one on one time for you both.

Kim - posted on 01/05/2011

To Diana...I agree on the counting thing, someone suggested that to me years ago with my daughter (now 24) when I got to 2 she said "3"...and still continued to count...as a mother of a young child (back then) I had to hide my laugh...but I believe she saw through it. I had to find other ways, such as... Explain the importants and consquences of her actions.

Kim - posted on 01/05/2011

quoting Katy " singing to your child at difficult transitions truly does make a difference. To the tune of "Hot Cross Buns," maybe sing "Mommy's turn, Mommy's turn, I have something I must tell you, Mommy's turn." Or making bedtime more pleasant, make up a song where you sing bits of the story inside the song, back and forth."

This is something that won't fail...My son has ADHD to help him in class they sing or make rymes to help him learn...Music has always been the universial laungage so there is no doubt in my mind it would help greatly!

Just so you can understand the difference...boys are different then girls in everyway of development even if they both have ADHD...girls don't show it like boys will. My son was flunking math, he now holds a 98% average in Math now since he was put on his meds and changed classes..they learn the same work, just how it is done is different. Oh and the 98% ave has been held for 6 years now!

Diana - posted on 01/05/2011

These are all so great advice and I would just like to affirm all of it. There are so many books out there today that it's hard to really discern what is good and what is not. I have two boys and I know that boys can be a whole lot different from girls, so I would take that into account, but the worst we can do for our children is not hold them accountable, not teach them to respect, and not teach them boundaries.

I use timeouts with both of my boys (4 1/2 and almost 2) and they are valuable. I just started doing it with my younger one (I only do a minute with him) since I see a pattern of obviously trying to test the authority he has and the great thing about starting it so young is that you tend to not have the huge fits over them as they get older. Plus, it is a great way to redirect his attention from what he was getting into to something else! Don't underestimate what children can understand. They understand a whole lot more than they can verbalize.

Tantrums I think the only thing to stop them is to ignore them like others have said. They are a cry for attention and attention the wrong way. I had them with my older one and it didn't take too many times of me turning around and walking into another room for him to get it. Then after he gets over it, I explain to him that that is not the way to get mommy or daddy's attention.

The only thing I have to disagree on is the counting. There is nothing wrong with expecting things from our children and immediate obedience is not something to feel bad about wanting. If they wander into the street or into a busy parking lot, you can't rely on counting to get them to obey! They must obey immediately!! And teaching them to do it in small or less dire situations is a good way to prep them for the big situations. I learned very quickly even with a 3 yr old that they will wait out the count!! He heard the 1 and would pause and then continue, then pause again when he heard the 2, and then stop what he was doing as soon as I hit 3. So I don't recommend that method to anyone. I give my kids a warning if I see bad behavior and if they continue or do it again, the timeout comes up.

Good luck. Parenting certainly has it's ups and downs and with boundaries and discipline that we shouldn't feel guilty about using, there will be many more ups than downs!!

Elda - posted on 01/05/2011

:-) If you find out, let me know, because I'm still trying to get my 33year old son to listen to me

Katy - posted on 01/05/2011

I am answering this as a musical literacy teacher, too. From birth, my students and their parent experience focused listening in each class. My 3 and 4 yos actually listen to four different sounds, over 3 weeks, then they discriminate between them. But what have they REALLY done? They have experienced the physical sensation of impulse control, listening to something they love, but also getting the routine of listening AT ALL in their vocabulary. In addition to this, which sounds a bit isoteric, singing to your child at difficult transitions truly does make a difference. To the tune of "Hot Cross Buns," maybe sing "Mommy's turn, Mommy's turn, I have something I must tell you, Mommy's turn." Or making bedtime more pleasant, make up a song where you sing bits of the story inside the song, back and forth. The deepest part, however, of all of this is that what is in the body becomes in the mind and the active initiation, meaning that, say, if you daughter did Red Light, Green Light or any stop/start game, she experiences it in her body THEN understands how it feels THEN understands how to stop when told. Parents should be careful to stop and listen, too, when she talks, which is challenging sometimes. Nutshell, I think a music class provides a lot of in-body experiences, and believe me, I have my hands full with 3 and 4yos more than any other, in my birth to 9yo musical literacy studio. But they, most of all, will need to feel comfortable with rules (that she isn't following now) later, "in the big world". But, of course, the way to get her to do it is to think of her development. "A Place of Our Own" website is rich in this kind of thing, by the way. They look at the developmental needs of each age group, and I can sense you care a lot about her needs, but you have needs, too! I will write again, if I find more helpful information for all of you, but for now, some of this may help. "My turn to talk" can work sometimes, but something tells me you've tried that! Katy at Katy's Musikgarten, Northgate, Seattle.

Steve - posted on 01/05/2011

when my wife and i had problems with our granddaughter we used to sit her in the corner of the couch, We called it time out. She would cry and cry until she only had fake tears and then she would quietly look at Mom or me ( Pop pop ) with those sad eyes and just look at us then we would discuss her situation ( in front of her ) and then let her down. It always worked but it took awile at first.

Jean - posted on 01/05/2011

get the book "1-2-3- Magic: Effective Discipline for children 2-12" by Thomas W. Phelan It works and has all your answers

Kathy - posted on 01/05/2011

You have let her have it all her way for 3 years now and it will NOT change overnight. Unfortunately now you must develop tough love and be firm with her as to what you expect her to do Once she sees you are NOT willing to budge one inch she will soon learn she must do as she is told. Stand firm mom as it will take a good 3-6 months to get the message to her but she will get it in due time. Reward her for positive behavior andf guide her when it is negative so she knows what you expect from her.Learn from her and start now with the baby brother to be firm and not give into either of them. If she sees he is not disciplined as she is it could cause more problems. Good luck and learn to be CONSISTENT that is the main key to this stage. Talk it over with hubby so you both are on the same page as to what guidelines you want to use for parenting skills and discipline. You are a TEAM now!

Cathy - posted on 01/05/2011

I'm hearing abivalence even in your description of the issue. Saying she's a soft-hearted little girl and then saying she won't listen to you and your husband is pretty much an oximoronic concept. And if I don't get where you're coming from, guess what a three year old hears and sees? I have to agree pretty much with all the other comments that say be consistent and firm. If you lead her to believe her soft heartedness will win your sympathy, you will lose even before you start. Let your attitude and your behavior be reflective of your expectations. We will say many prayers for you to be able to do what is necessary so that you will enable your daughter to grow up to be a person that others wouldn't mind being around.
God bless!

Kate - posted on 01/05/2011

Oh my dear. All I can say, and this from experience of my own with three kids, is stop feeling guilty.
You are raising a wonderful girl and now you have another baby, don't feel guilty about that. You are a great parent, if you weren't you wouldn't have posted this here, feel proud of that. Your husband and you have the right to your own time whether it be together or doing individual things, don't feel guilty about that. Time with kids is about quality not quantity, be proud of the small times you spend together but do not let them rule your life. There is nothing wrong with tv, as long as you know what they are watching, do not feel guilty about taking a moment of peace while the tv is being watched.
You are everything you need to be right now, your daughter is doing what every other kid does, do not feel guilty about it.
Be proud, confident and have two words that carry meaning, NO and STOP. These are the end words, the final words the words you say when there is no option but what they are. Treat your voice as if it has a life of its own, give it power, don't explain if they are not listening, don't negotiate, don't debate, don't offer options if you are only doing it to second guess yourself. You are the mum, and in that you are all you need to be. Believe in yourself, respect yourself.
Much love to you and your family.
K

Melissa - posted on 01/05/2011

It's funny that you wrote all of this to me, because right after I posted today I went back in to my son's room to see why he was still awake. I was shocked to see that he had emptied his sippy-cup of water all over the floor and walls, had his covers all over the place, his pants were off, he had changed his nap-diaper himself and put his other wet one in the hamper, and then admitted to my husband and I that he had peed all over the floor and tried to cover it up with the water! It's hard for me NOT to laugh about this, even though I'm still furious about it! It was pretty ingenious, really, but Oh-So-Frustrating! Thank you for you advice and sharing your own experiences. Needless to say, we made him stay in his room, and he finally fell asleep....3 hours after he was put to bed!

Denise - posted on 01/05/2011

Well, I have the same problem with my 3-year-old boy and I´m enjoying every tip you´ve said so far....

Mona - posted on 01/05/2011

First, make sure you are paying attention to her when she speaks to you. You will probably need to let her interrupt your interactions with the baby since she has not yet learned to listen.
Second, make sure she is listening when you ask/tell her something. This might mean sitting down with her and holding her face while you let her hold yoursl

Also, have a consequence for her when she does not listen -- and this should be on the first request. Otherwise she will have to keep testing you as to how many times you are willing to say something before you are serious.

Develop a bedtime ritual that has you spending at least 30 minutes with her after she is dressed for bed but before the light goes out. Talking, singing, reading, looking at books -- anything that helps her to unwind.

When you leave the bedroom -- stay out. It will be rough for a few nights but she will go to sleep and it will get better each night if you don't give her a reason to test you as to how long she can fuss before you will give up and come in.

Chris - posted on 01/05/2011

Make her, for bed just put her there even if it is an over and over experience and even though it may be trying stick to it eventually she'll get it. Hold firm on what you say, You have to be firm. I know my daughter is the same way but getting better and slowly learning and understanding respect.

Dee - posted on 01/05/2011

lololol

Janice - posted on 01/05/2011

Lucy, You have amazing insight and appreciate your advice. Your wise instruction has helped me a great deal.

Athena - posted on 01/05/2011

Consistency is key. She just needs to be retrained with lots of structure at home. She listens to the Childcare provider because daycare providers are very structured and consistent. Ask your providers for some pointers because you are basically sharing the responsibility of raising her so working together is key. The provider can encourage the importance of listening to parents. At home set ground rules and don't stray from them. Make sure every bad action has a consequence and you will reverse the issue. Watch super nanny for pointers, her tactics truly work.

I am a mom of 4 (15yrs boy, 8yrs girl, 6th old twins 6) so I have had the opportunity to use time outs and many other positive reinforcement and disciplinary tactics until I found the ones that truly worked. Don't give up, you can do it!

Alison - posted on 01/05/2011

I don't know if you have a class called the Nurturing Program in your area but for eight weeks my two girls and I went Me with the other mom's them with the other kids. I can tell you this saved my life. Seriously, this is not an understatement. My daughter 3, was completely out of control and I didn't have the tools to deal with her age and her temperament and she was consistently hurting her sister who is 18 months younger. Basically it is a lot of what the other mom's have already said but all of the tools put together. Now I don't just use correction, I use re-direction, humor, affection,, ignoring, setting appropriate expectations and positive rewards . Which I want to add. I do get paid for going to work and I do receive benefits from completing my responsibilities in life even if it is a high self esteem. They at the NP helped me set up what I call her special bucket and It has stickers, things from happy meals, dollar store and she is rewarded and praised for doing things like being nice to her sister, getting dressed in the morning, going to bed at night. They shared with us the principles behind the 1,2,3, method. That kids need more time to process. Seriously if I put her in timeout every time I would be standing there next to her the whole day because she is a strong willed girl and we have to do it supper nanny style. The most important thing I learned was Pick your battles and Tell her you are the Mom and you have it in control. I found out that sometimes she is acting out because she needs to feel safe and doesn't know how to tell me that. I say to her "I am the Mom, and everything is o.k. I love you very much. Sometimes it just takes that to get her out of a "cycle'

Kay - posted on 01/05/2011

Have you tried putting her in timeout seat, then get down to her level be calm but assertive, tell her what you want then tell her what you will do as punishment if she doesn't (make sure you follow thru) a few times and she will see you are the boss. Children are taught to respect....

Jennifer - posted on 01/05/2011

My 4 year old was the same way.
I would say be consistent and stand your grounds. If you give in and let her have her way then she will keep acting out. Good Luck

Donna Smith - posted on 01/05/2011

put her on punishment if she does not like listening, I don't know how you feel about spanking but sometimes we have to spank. The bible says don't spare the rod to spare the child because they become unruly if you don't fix the problem now then when she becomes a teenager you will have no control. I for one put mine in time out for 5 to 10 min. if that did not work I spanked them and put them to bed. After a couple of spankings they new I was not playing and they are the best kids. They are all grown but one and I have a 16 year old now who is spoiled but knows when not to play with me. It is up to you to get this going but you have to make a choice give her what she wants or bust her butt and send her to bed.

Leslie - posted on 01/05/2011

I am a mommy of a three year old and I get it! I understand the tantrums and lets face it, some kids are, um leaders - in other words, they like control. I am a single mom at that, so i have realized that my own confidence is the only thing that works. If I am doubting myself or doubting my ability as a parent or as disciplinarian, he picks up on it! I believe that three year olds need, as already stated, CONSISTENCY, ROUTINE, AND A MOMMY (AND OR DADDY) THAT IS CONFIDENT IN THEIR ROLE. They are the little people and they are learning from us. If we lose control inside, they take that opportunity to get control. It is not a competition. I agree with the part about feeding the fits also... DO NOT PARTICIPATE in arguments or tantrums - trantrums equal alone time for us. It is the same with adults, if someone is pulling you into an argument, they are trying to suck your energy even if not on purpose. Terrible twos my butt, I think most of us know that it is terrible threes! Best of luck! Sending positive energy and strength your way!

Claire - posted on 01/05/2011

my daughter was like that still is at times and she is 6 i did the wrong thing and used to let her in with me at times,cause she wouldnt go to ed then i let her have a dvd on in her bed which worked but now when on a school day she has a story, go with what you feel is best, but stand your ground

Jewel - posted on 01/05/2011

Our three year old responds very well to leading questions instead of demands. "Put on your coat" becomes "It's cold outside what can you put on to keep warm?" or "What is the most fun way to put on your coat? (Twirl and dance, or flip over the head?)"
Bed time could be "What should we do first, books, song or pajamas?" or "Do we brush all our teeth or just the front ones." Keep talking about the "why" of doing things. She'll be much more willing to follow through if she recognizes the reasons, especially if she draws the conclusions on her own, Good luck!

Ginger - posted on 01/05/2011

Love and Logic Parenting is a Great Program!!! I have rasied many children, mine and foster and daycare. 2 choices, both of which are acceptable to you! And consequences for their actions, that either don't effect you or benefit you. Good luck