How do I go about having my son call my boyfriend "DAD"?

Jodie - posted 4 days ago

One way you could broach the subject is with your wedding. Children now are frequently included in the ceremony and you could use this as a way to introduce the notion of your boyfriend being "Dad". Say the wedding is for all of you and if he wants him to be his dad, he can be, and if he wants to call him "Dad" he can. If you have other children, they will call him Dad and your son may be more likely to call him the same if other children do it too. You can also start referring to him as "Daddy".

"where's Daddy" "ask Dad" "what's Dad doing" etc its an adjustment for you. And don't worry about the age he is. A friend married a man with young teenage children. They call her "mum"

:)

JPatrick - posted on 04/09/2013

Do whatever Sean and yor son are comfortable with going forward. Know that bio-dad may always opt to come back into the picture later (unless of course he legally signed over his parental rights), and if things don't work out with Sean, that could be another man to depart your son's life (not to be pessimistic, but it happens).

It sounds like your son does not know his bio-father at all. As others have said, be honest, but no need to give details, and do not 'bash' bio-father (in case the two have any chance at reconciling in the future). Having a kid w/someone by accident is a terrible, and all-too-common occurrence. Co-parenting with a complete stranger can be a nightmare, I can't say I blame men who opt not to go that route. They may be on the hook for support if you seek it, but if they're not 'into' being a dad, there is nothing you can do to force it--nor necessarily should you. Staying together for a child, or having a child to stay together, seldom works and usually all end up suffering.

Well this is an old post so maybe you can update on how things worked out so far.

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

You should try telling him that since you are getting married, that makes him "officially" his daddy now and that it is appropriate to use that term. As for telling him about the other guy- don't ever lie to him. If he asks, tell him the truth. Tell him your husband is not his father, but he is his Dad.

I married at 17, and have 3 kids with my husband. But if any one of them were not biologically his, I would not lie to them about it. Lying to your children about big issues leads to a house of secrets, and when your son needs to use his birth certificate for something when he is an adult, he will find out the truth, and possibly never trust you again. Lies damage relationships.

Be open and honest with your child, and he will grow up to be open and honest with you.

Laura - posted on 03/21/2013

It sounds like your life is moving forward beautifully. Congrats on that.

As for "Dad". Your boyfriend should initiate that conversation, it has to do with them, not you. They'll work it out in a way that suits them both. My kids called their step-dad "Daddy Bill" for a long time before it morphing into "Bill", because they have a dad regardless of how involved or uninvolved he was in their life.

Kristina - posted on 03/19/2013

I read a book once called Single Parenting That Works. And it has chapters regarding introducing kids to new partners and how to handle the relationship between the children and new partner (he's already met your fiance so maybe the whole how to handle it part would help)

It also has a chapter on how to talk to kids about their absent parent in a way that doesn't idolize or demonize them. It gives them kid appropriate information without telling them they're unwanted. One thing I remember reading from it was saying that we don't know where *mom/dad* is but we wish them the best. Regardless of how you (speaking in generalities) feel about your ex, they're part of your child, and if you demonize that person it's possible the child will feel you hate part of them as well. It also teaches your child early on how to treat people in their life that they don't get along with or like, because we all have people we dislike but have to put up with and it's a good lesson to learn.

Anne - posted on 03/19/2013

I would tell him as soon as possible about his biological donor. The longer you wait the more devastating. I wouldn't use words like "he didn't want you", just leave it at you don't know where he is. For all you know he could have moved. Tell him your boyfriend wants to be his forever dad, if he wants to adopt. If you do you could start w something like "Could you go tell dad it is time for dinner?" or "Will you go ask dad if he wants to go to the park w us?" It will ease him into it. Plus you really don't want him to find out when he is older, especially when he is a teen. It is a hard enough time and I'm very concerned for all of you. Best of luck!

Kristina - posted on 03/18/2013

I think i'd wait until you're married then ask your son what he wants to call him.

Aimee - posted on 03/18/2013

My step dad has been in my life since I was 5 ... to this day I call him Jerry. But I introduce him as my Dad. My mom tried to force us to call him Dad at some points in our lives and it never stuck. Dont force it let your child decide. As to when to tell your child about his bio dad -- when he asks. Dont hide it from him tell him the truth in age appropriate ways. Its a hard place to be but he will appericate it :)

Eliza - posted on 03/14/2013

I think that the title "Dad" is earned, not given, so as your fiancée and son get closer, it's likely to become a natural thing for your son to call him dad. Please don't force it.

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

Hi Stephanie,
I know with my son who is now thirteen, he just automatically started calling my husband dad and it was before he turned six years of age. I'm sure your son will come around , but you still need to let it be known that he has a biological father. My son is just meeting his real father , but deep down inside he knows who his father is and who's always been there for him from day one. Hope I was helpful, goodluck.

Mary - posted on 03/13/2013

I have 4 other boys from my first marriage and both my ex and I have remarried. My boys are 11,10,8 going on 9 and 6 going on 7. They all understand that their step-mom and step dad care and love them very much just as their dad and I do,they know that they are step parents and we let them decide what they wanted to call them and they are comfortable just calling her Miss Holley and my husband Mr Jt because thats how they were introduced to them. I have herd them introduce my husband as this is Mr. Jt our step dad and even the same with Holley every now and then. It's going to be a bit more tricky when mine and my husbands 5mth old starts talking im sure but all that matters to us is that they all understand they're loved by all the parents in their lives and they seem to get that ! So I say let him choose and you dont have to go into a lot of detail about his bio father thats alot for a 6 yr old to grasp..heck divorce was hard for all of mine =/

Nicole - posted on 03/13/2013

My mom was like you she always wanted me to call her boyfriend dad. He's been in our lives a very long time now and if they would have mentioned this option a long time ago i would of been proud to call him dad. i never met my dad but i atleast had the oppertunity to have my stepdad in my life

Jayme - posted on 03/13/2013

I think you should let your child decide what he wants to call this man in your life.

Clairesse - posted on 03/11/2013

Yes i would say that it ok for yourr son to call him dad. It wouldnt b a problem wit asking him would he b ok with calling him dad. With him being six he might have questions and he might not. Your fiance have been taking care of him since after you met him and he obviously loves him so i know he would also feel comfortable with that as well. Especially if the biological father have not been around at all. At this point where you say your son is saying he dont know who his father is. That sounds to me he is confused. If he starts to call your fiance dad. You SHOULD NOT let his biological father inter his life anymore. That will confuse him even more. And also may upset him. In the end you should do whats best for your child.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 03/10/2013

I think you should be honest with him about Sean not being his biological dad, I wouldn't explain to him at this age that his biological dad didn't want to be a part of his life but I think it's best to be honest. Tell him he is loved so much by Sean that it would be so special to him if he called him dad bc he loves him just like how every daddy loves their child. Don't pressure him if he's not comfortable with it , sometimes it takes a long time to earn the right to be called mom or dad to a stepchild. But if the lines of communication are open , and he earns your child's trust to that extent I believe he will call him dad when he's ready .

Kameeni - posted on 03/10/2013

What you do is buy an xbox360 and tell him if he calls him dad he can have it. Thats what i did.

Samantha - posted on 03/10/2013

Hun I wld tell yr son that yr boyfriend is now going to b in yr lives 4ever and that he loves yr son very much and that if he wants to calk him dad then he has every rite to....let him know yr fiancee tells ppl that hes his son and hes PROUD to say that...I think that its your choice to let yr boy knw of his so called real dad BUT not now I wld wait until hes a bit older like 12 to where he can fulky understand and comprehend exactly what was going on and the chances his bio-dad had to be in his life...I just think putting to much "DAD STUFF" on his poor lil mind at once could just be ALOT! I went thru the same deal hun and I think its wonderfulyou found some1 to except your child and love him like his own....thats a GREAT MAN!! I was able 2 be lucky and find one as well...just dont rush it....but bring it up and talk to him about it....and let him know that yr fiancee is more than happy to be called daddy by him and hes proud to call him son as well! Good luck hun and I think it will all work out just fine :)

Rachel - posted on 03/09/2013

I think that if your son and Sean have a good relationship then he could just talk to him one on one...."son, I love you. If you would like to, I would be honored if you would call me dad." Then let your son decide if he wants to or not. And if they both agree, have the biological fathers parental rights revoked and have Sean adopt him legally....then he really would have a dad. You could make a special little ceremony at your wedding.

Melissa - posted on 03/09/2013

In our house, I refer to my husband as "Daddy" when talking to the children, such as, "Can you go tell Daddy it's time for dinner?" I think that if you casually introduce it that way, it might catch on. Additionally, you can have a certain date when he officially becomes Dad, such as if he adopts him, or your wedding day. Make a ceremony of it.

Allyshia - posted on 03/09/2013

I'd have your boyfriend talk to him, tell him that he is going to marry his mom, explain what it means to get married, and that he'd like to be your sons dad. Let it go from there. He's 6, he's in school. He calls your boyfriend by first name. Chances are, he already knows Sean isn't his biological father, and that's ok. The important thing is that he knows he's loved.

Adrianne - posted on 03/08/2013

Wait until you get married before you have him start calling him Dad. Just in case something happens. Working in the school system I have seen many of a Mom's boyfriends become "Dad", which makes the situation sad when they split up. I know you guys have been together a long time, but better safe than sorry.

Kim - posted on 03/08/2013

well I understand your feelings but she is not with the man 15 yrs, and I feel its not so much about the marriage as it is a commitment to the child. Marrying someone with children is committing to be a dad, more than it is husband, in my feelings anyway.

Kim - posted on 03/08/2013

I absolutey agree. My kids ages 13, 14, and 17 still thier father. My 21yr old chose not to see his father anymore at 18. My husband is their dad even though they call him Ricky. He couldnt be a better to dad to them and they love and adore him also.

Amy - posted on 03/08/2013

Honesty. That's what is needed. Also, have you considered having your fiancé adopt your son? The commitment might help. Bottom line is its up to your son. And "Dad" is just a title. And it's not a prerequisite for being a good father. My husband is stepfather to my 19 year old daughter and has been since she was 5. She calls him Mike but respects and loves him as a parent.

Kim - posted on 03/08/2013

my best is advice to you is to wait until you have your wedding date planned. At that point start explaining to your son that you and your boyfriend are going to be married because you love each other and want to be a family. Tell him by getting married your boyfriend is "choosing" to be his dad, and at that point tell him if you would like you can call him dad instead of Sean. Tell him how proud and happy Sean would be to hear him call him dad. If your sons biological dad wrote him off he is too young to understand that. A "dad" is the man who raises and loves the child, a "father" is the person who is biologically connected. When your son is older you can explain the difference to him and help him understand.When he is much older he WILL understand and appreciate that he was accepted and loved and thats whats important. Good Luck!!
www.youravon.com/kwhitney7155

Pam - posted on 03/08/2013

I didn't read all 100 comments but have a talk with your son and let him know that if he would like to at any time call your boyfriend dad he can and your boyfriend would be very happy if he did because he loves him as his own. Your son may not do it immediately but if they have a good relationship he will. And yes, please be honest with your child! Regardless of how bad the early the know the better it is for all, trust! He will love you more for it!

Autumn - posted on 03/07/2013

Hi Stephanie,

I have a kind of similar situation so I thought I would write to give you my input on this. I was in a relationship with my ex for around a year when I found out I was pregnant. He wasn't ready to be a parent and our relationship became mentally abusive so at 6 months pregnant I decided it was better for me to leave. My ex and I would talk once in a blue moon when he was feeling guilty about not being in his daughters life but would do nothing to correct it. Within my daughters first year I started a relationship with the man I am with now. I too had the same thoughts that you are having but I let it happen naturally...there wasn't a definite moment when my daughter started calling him daddy...it just happened (as weird as that sounds) and it was just right.

Its 7 years later and they have the most wonderful father daughter relationship... I am so thankful for him to be in our lives. Her biological father is still absent, which is okay with me!

The only issue out of all of this (which is where I am at now) is my daughter has no idea that her father isn't her biological father... because we just haven't talked about it being that she was so young when her father and I started to date...he is all she knows. I am just about as stumped as you are on the issue on when is the right time to tell your child about their biological father... I too wrote a post about my situation this evening lol

Take care

Autumn

Darlene - posted on 03/07/2013

My boys dad left when they were 2 & 4. Two yrs later I remarried & explained that Jesus had made us a new family. My husband asked my boys if he could be their Daddy. Yrs later we are now raising 3 toddlers we got them when they were 5 mo,1 & 2 yrs. The oldest now 4 somewhat remembers her biological mom...I explained that that mommy couldn't take care of them & keep them safe (they were in abusive home..the dad is in prison for it). So Jesus put them with us so that we could be a family and could be their Mommy & Daddy & take care of them. They are fine with it. I feel that having some knowledge of the truth and growing up with level of understanding that is age appropriate is far better than the shock of knowing nothing. My brother was adopted so I have some experience.
You might try explaining when you get married that since you're officially a family now that you get new official names ( is he adopting your son?), and that he can call him Dad if he wants & he wants to call him his boy or something. Perhaps tell him since he didn't get to be there when he was first born but sure wants to be his dad now and that he is really excited that you all are gonna be a real family.
I have found that emphasis on the positive and kinda down playing the simply stated truth allows them the knowledge of knowing truth without it being as damaging. Hope this helps. Best wishes.

Kerrie Kathleen - posted on 03/07/2013

I agree with Jodi, you can leave it up to your son. But u can also have discussions with him about what it means to be family and now that u and your fiance are getting married he will be his step father but its up to him for what he wants to call him. My daughter was 13 when I was remarried 2 1/2 yes. Ago. She chose on her own to call my husband daddy, because she feels closer to him than her own dad. and my hubby lives get as his own daughter too.

Hannah - posted on 03/07/2013

"I'm with Dove here, best way to deal with it is to make an adoption ceremony during your wedding. It will include your son, and he will understand that Sean is now his father."

This is a good idea, we sort of did this during our wedding, we didn't call it an adoption ceremony, but she was called up during the wedding ceremony and we both said short vows to her ... she didn't really understand, she was only just about to turn 4, but it was sweet, and I loved that is symbolized my husband not only making a commitment to me, but to our daughter as well.

Hannah - posted on 03/07/2013

my daughter was younger than your son when we started calling my boyfriend (now husband) dad, but we made the decision to do it because we knew we were eventually going to get married and have more kids...not unlike your situation. I would sit your son down and explain the situation to him. At 6 he should be able to somewhat understand. We recently sat my daughter down (she's 5 1/2 now) and explained about her biological father. It was a good conversation, and one that needed to happen because she is bi-racial and my husband and I are both white... and we were getting a lot of questions about why her skin was different than ours and her little sisters. I think if you make the switch now, you'll have to bring up your sons biological father ... a good tactic we used was instead of just saying that the bio father left, we said that some people are just not meant to be mommies or daddies, and that this man was one of those people, and it's not because he didn't love her, it was just because he was not meant to be a daddy, but that's ok because Daddy was meant to be your dad, and he loves you and will always be here, etc. That way we were able to take the focus off her biological father not being in her life, and onto the fact that my husband wants to be in her life and wants to be her dad. We asked at the end of she had any questions, and were pretty honest with the answers. They were simple like "were he and mommy in love", "what is his name", etc. I think it's always best to be as honest as you can be with these situations. That way there are no questions when they are older and no resentment for not being told.

Courtney - posted on 03/06/2013

after 6 months of my bf and i being together, my 5 year old started calling him dad. i asked my bf how he felt about it and he said it was fine. well its been 6 months since then and i see my bf and i slowly falling apart... i dont think he will be in our lives much longer... what am i suppose to do???

Shantelle - posted on 03/06/2013

Don't try and get him to do it. It has to be your son's choice if he wants to. I had a similar situation. My daughters father and I broke up when she was 2 1/2. When I met my now husband, she was 4. Shes 6 now (7 in April) She always called him by his name. Then one day the the both of them went to the park ( I stayed home to nap, I was pregnant with my son at the time). When they came back, she had referred to him as dad. When she walked out of the room, he told me they had been playing and out of no where called him dad. When I asked her before bed about it, she explained, " I know hes not my dad dad. Josh is my dad but hes like my other dad. So I want to call him that." Its better if you let it happen naturally. If you push it, it might make him uncomfortable.

Ana - posted on 03/06/2013

Hey. I had my son also when I was a teen (no man involved but our FATHER in heaven :). Up the road when my son was 9 we met my husband. Before we were married my husband sat down with my son & had a "man to man" talk & to sum it up told him he wanted to be his "dad" & that he loved him & if he (my son) wanted to call him dad he would like that. My husband has been dad ever since :) GOD bless your family.

Andrea - posted on 03/05/2013

Denise I disagree, why does someone have to marry her to earn that respect. I have been with the same man for 15 years. We have been happily (un-married) for 15 years. I don't think to make a vow he must marry her. He can leave just as easily if married or not!

Denise Maria - posted on 03/05/2013

Why would you want your son to call a "boyfriend"... Dad? If this man has not made a vow to be there forever by marrying you and adopting your son, then there is no need for your son to be calling him "dad". If you break up with this guy, are you going to expect your child to call every man who comes into your life, dad? Your son will know when the right time to call someone dad. It's not something to be implemented!

Nakita - posted on 03/05/2013

I'd say its ok I was in a similar position I had a 1 night stand fell pregnant with my daughter and her bio dad saw her around four times the last time was her 1st birthday then I met my bf who is now my husband my daughter called him daddy from when she was 2 thou and I thought it was odd but it grew on me..... My daughter is now 6

Nia - posted on 03/05/2013

I really relate to you issue. I had my daughter at 19, and the father was a complete loser, so I was a single mother for almost 4 years. When I remarried, I felt the best thing was to be honest with her about her father, and so I told her that he was unable to look after her because he was sick (He was a alcoholic - so basically true) I thought I would tell her in a way she could understand.

Then I explained to her that her step dad was her step dad, but we would like her to call him dad. So I explained that we were a new family, and through marriage he is now her dad, and she started to call him dad, especially after the marriage.

She had some reluctant feelings towards him, which is always difficult with step parents. But I always try to get her to express her feelings, when she was angry with him, I helped her to understand why, and tell him. When she was in love with him, I helped her understand why and express it.

I think calling him dad really strengthen their relationship, and gave her security, and it made him really step up as a dad too. So to me it is really important that he calls him dad.

I think it is important to have your family set up the way you want it, now, before you have another baby, your family needs to be strong before that.

Hope that helped.

Jennie - posted on 03/04/2013

My husband and I started dating when my son was just about to turn three. He always called him Scott. When he was little he used to call him "My Scott" and he would introduce us as, "This is my Mom and this is my Scott". He always wanted to know why everyone didn't have a Scott. Haha.
Anyway, I never pushed the calling him "Dad" thing. His biological father is in the picture in the sense that he calls occassionally and sends gifts but he lives in a completely different state and he goes to visit for 2 weeks in the summer but that is it.
When we got married three years ago my son was 8 years old and my son was the one that cried at the wedding because he said that Scott is officially his Dad.
My son is almost 12 and he still calls him Scott. At times he will introduce us as Mom and Dad and we ask him why and he says that its just easier to not have to explain. But he does say that its his StepDad too. They really have the best relationship and its just a title. He knows who raised him and he knows who he can turn to.
Your son may decide that he wants to call him Dad on his own. I think it's okay to push a little and see if he is receptive to calling him "Dad" but I wouldn't stress it or correct him if he calls him by name. good luck!!!

Kimberely Maria - posted on 03/04/2013

Andrea Chamberlain Ridall

Love that, "if he earns the respect"
Good job!

Talia - posted on 03/03/2013

I have twin boys. All while growing up I never lied to my children or forced anything. I had a one night stand (with someone I have known my whole life) told him I was pregnant but he chose to be with someone else. They have siblings thru this man so I would show pictures of the other kids. During my pregnancy I was seeing someone. They grew up automatically calling him dad. They know his name but never called him nothing other then dad. They are now 7 and will tell u "I have 2 dads one name is such an such(L) and the other (C). They will tell you we really don't see or talk to L but we talk to C and see him sometimes. They love them both and I let them choose what to call them. I say speak to your child. You don't have to give details but explain. Let ur child make the choice. Later in life like my step brother the child will understand what a dad is and will call him dad.

Christian Nicole - posted on 03/03/2013

hi im christian,
i had my son in september and he's now 5mnths i have been bleeding every since then..some days i go a day without bleedling then i go again the nxt day...is tht normal??

Shawn - posted on 03/03/2013

When my youngest son was 8 months I met an incredible man who not only took me but my 3 year son and baby. My oldest knew who his dad was so he just called my boyfriend Bryan, but as my youngest (different fathers) started calling him dad. As my youngest got older he followed suit with my oldest calling my boyfriend Bryan or daddy Bryan. My boyfriend and I are still together looking for houses and talking about marriage, I asked my now 7 year old when Bryan and I get married are you going to call him dad or Bryan (he now knows his father and calls him dad) and my sons response was he is going to call Bryan dad and his father Joe because Bryan is his "real dad and always has". So to help you out explain to ur son what a dad is, and maybe ask him who his dad is or who he would like to or who he would want to call dad, and with possible bio childeren of your boyfriend/ husband calling him dad your 6 year old might want to or will want to call him dad. I hope this helps you, and everything will fall into place

Kimberely Maria - posted on 03/03/2013

I feel that as your son grows up and your bf remains in your lives that your son, assuming no resentments, will genuinely feel that your bf is his dad, simply because he was always there and did help raise him.
If you wanted to , you could plant a seed so to speak by explaining to your son that your bf is just like a biological father, he does everything that a bio father would do and that the sibling to be will call him father or dad and explain that your son doesn't have to, but if he feels like it, it would be perfectly fine if he too wanted to call him dad, that the bf wouldn't mind at all.
There could be another issue unspoken possibly that maybe your son has thought this through himself and thinks the bf wouldn't want to be called that. My son never called my bf of 13 yrs "dad", even though he had been in his life since my son was 2 and a half, but he did refer to him as his "father or step dad". But that was only after his own father had passed away.
Additionally, I would not press or force the issue at all. I have an x sister in law that had her son call her new hubby and then her 3 rd hubby father and even changed his last name from his deceased fathers name to the new fathers names. I thought it was tacky and it was disturbing also.
If you choose to marry, he would then officially become a step-dad, I know many close families where the word "step" isn't even allowed...
Good luck and it will all work out for the best I'm sure!

Lyndsey - posted on 03/03/2013

My oldest son isn't my husband's child and my son has never called him dad in the 8 years we've been together (married for 6). He was about your son's age when we got together and they have always had a great relationship but never felt the need to put a title on it yet the love and respect is there.. the difference in our stories however is that my 14 year old has a relationship with his father and a very strong one at that and I truly believe that's why he won't call him dad but even if they didn't, I still wouldn't have pushed the issue.. at the end of the day all that matters is how he's being treated! HTH!

Krista - posted on 03/02/2013

Im remarried and my kids came to me when they were ready and asked if they could call their stepdad "dad". We all sat down as a family and discussed it. They have called him dad ever since. I suggest dont push it on your child. It will only make them resent it later. Be prepared for odd or difficult questions. Good Luck!

Alicia - posted on 03/01/2013

As a step-mother, the solution we used when confronted with what to call me was that we all had a conversation together about parental figures and respectful ways to address them (i.e. he was made aware that my name was not 'excuse me' or 'umm') so his dad (my boyfriend) and I presented him with options as to what he would be comfortable calling me. Options included 'Ms. Alicia', 'umi' and other derivations of 'mother-figure'. He chose, we've stuck to it and now that that's out of the way we can more easily focus on bonding. :-)

Andrea - posted on 02/28/2013

I would never force a child to call someone dad, however if he earns that respect I don't disagree with encouraging it. It takes a lot for someone who did not father the child to be the father and I give kudos to those men! My dad was one of them :)

Yesenia - posted on 02/28/2013

I agree , we all are entittled to our opinion , how ever you did say for the mom to start calling him dad so it would encourage the child . Your opinion valid just as mine is and im just sayin in my opinion that is ridiculous thats all. Im sure ur a great mom we just can agree to disagree.

Andrea - posted on 02/28/2013

I also agree with to many mother's do this, to me this sounds to be a serious relationship!