How do I handle the death of my daughters father

Amanda - posted on 11/25/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter will be 4 on December 1st...on October 15th her father died in a horrible car accident...the last time she saw him was in august when she had surgery otherwise he hasnt called or showen up in 7 months to see here nor has anyone else from his family. I took her to the wake and everything and she understands that he dad has died because of a car accident... since all of this has happened she calls my boyfriend Dad...although before the death of her father she called my boyfriend Dad...has anyone had to deal with any of this and know what I should do for the future when she starts to question it alot. Also his family wont talk to us told us to stay out of it because we didnt care about him before he died why should we know all because me and her father were seperated. Please give me some advice...do I forget his family and how do I explain to her as she gets older so she doesnt hate me....i do know what to do I am a single 22 year old mother and never thought I was going to come across this situation!

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Denikka - posted on 11/25/2011

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Answer questions honestly as they come.
If he hasn't been a part of her life really until his death, then I doubt she's going to be all that traumatized that he's not there now.
Children don't care about genetics. They care about who raises them. If she has been calling your boyfriend dad, then that's who she's looking to as the male parental figure in her life. Not some guy she happens to share some genetics with who hasn't been around and has now passed away.
She's not going to hate you for her fathers death.

As for his side of the family, if they HAVE been involved, maybe tell her that it hurts them to see her because she reminds them of her father. If they haven't been involved, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just answer questions honestly, but let her ask them.

And remember, even though you are a parent, it's still okay to say *I don't know*

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Emma - posted on 10/26/2012

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My daughters dad died when she was just turned 3, I was 22 at the time and its the worst situation to be out in, I think the only thing u can do is just try to be as honest as u can with ur child, obviously age appropriate and let her talk about him whenever she wants n ask questions etc, as for the family, if they don't want to be involved in ur child's life then u can't force them, my daughter doesn't see much of her dads family now either, it's sad but all u can do Hun is try to do the best u can and I'm sure when she's older and can understand more about the whole situation she will understand that u only ever tried ur best for her. I'd love to say it gets easier but it will never stop hurting when my girl cry for her dad that she can never see. If u want to talk anytime feel free to message me (can u get my email address off the site? I only joined to post this comment as only people who have been there can seem to understand) x

Jackie - posted on 10/16/2012

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I understand completly when you say that you would have never thought of being in this situation. My daughters father passed away when I was 7 months pregnant so he never got the chance to even hold her, kiss her...NOTHING!!! We had our up's and downs during my pregnancy but i know he was very excited to have his baby girl come into this world... I'm still coping with his loss and everyday I cry silently.. It's not easy nor do I think it ever does get any easier. People say dont cry over the dead but they dont know what we feel. All i can tell you is to pray and give the family some space. If youve tried your best to keep his side of the family in her life and they're denying her that right then all you can do is know you did your best and be the best mommy you can be. Keep your head up and try to count your blessings instead of your problems :) xoxo

Kimmy - posted on 11/25/2011

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Hello dear,
My daughters father died when she was 4 also, he took his life in puerto rico. I told her her daddy was gone because his heart hurt him. He took his life because of a woman there. When my daughter was old enough to know I told her he had died and it was because of the pain he had in his heart. It wasnt until she was about 13 when i explained suicide to her.. he hung himself. I couldnt tell her that at 4 and even at 13 it was hard. She was mad cuz i said it was because his heart was hurting, which it was he was heart broken.. she finally understood. now she is 20 and we still talk about him... Hun, did she know her birth father? if she did use his name. i used manuel. let her know her daddy(his name also) so daddy manuel (ex.,) let her know he is in heaven with Jesus and the angels..When she is older she may ask and when YOU only YOU feel it is appropriate you can tell her how he passed away. Dont ever let her forget him even if she has a new daddy. I havent and my daughter has never hated me for it! You will be okay just give basic explanations shes way too old to know more...Hugs to you !!!

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