How do I make him listen?

Liz - posted on 12/22/2008

First, are your expectations for your son age-appropriate? If not, you'll definitely have lots of head-aches. Realistic expectations help put behavior into perspective and make it less frustrating for parents and kids. Plus you can pick your battles then.



Second, are you keeping most of your interactions positive? Pretty much EVERY book in handling behavior problems will tell you to start with making sure you have a solid, positive relationship with your child - then he will WANT to please you! Spend time together just playing and having fun. If he does something inappropriate just turn away and ignore him until the behavior is okay again (exception being unsafe behavior or aggression). Praise him for everything he does well or positive. Set a goal of giving 5 praises for every 1 criticism/correction/negative.The behavior charts some people mentioned are great becuase they keep the focus on the positive. See if you can be as upbeat and positive as possible for a week and if his behavior starts to change.



For misbehavior, I would try to keep the time-outs to a minimum. Maybe just pick one or two critical behaviors that you will give time-out for. The rest, try things like redirection, giving a choice, making a game out of things, etc.



I'm AMAZED at how giving my son a choice that has nothing to do with what he is resisting gets him to cooperate. Example, he doesn't want to brush his teeth. Instead of going back and forth about whether he has to brush, I ask him what song he wants me to sing while he brushes and he forgets he was arguing about brushing. The trick is to do this immediately - not get into an argument and THEN try to distract him with a choice. I will also say "You have a choice. You can X or you can Y." Sometimes the choice is simply "You can listen to Mommy or you can take a break on the couch. Which do you choose?"



Also, try to focus on what you want him to do, rather than telling him to stop doing something. It makes it SO much easier for kids to cooperate. Example: when I take my 2-year-old into a public bathroom stall, I ask him to sing patty cake for me (keeps his hands busy) rather than tell him not to touch anything.



Just some ideas... btw, a GREAT book is "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" (something like that). It is one of my favorites and has lots of good strategies with examples. As someone else mentioned, BE CONSISTENT. Absolutely key!

Ann - posted on 12/21/2008

I have a 4 year old that has tested my limits too!! She just has a strong personality with everyone. At daycare, the provider started something new with the kids, as time outs were just NOT working. She started "sticker charts". When ever the kids got caught doing something praise-worthy, they got a sticker. She said it turned into a huge competition to see who could get the most. I took the idea but added my own twist. There is no "competition" at home for stickers...so I made a list of items that she tends to stress me out the most with (getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating without playing, etc...) and made a grid. Everytime she does one of those things without me speaking twice to her, she gets a sticker. Then I came up with something that she likes to do...eating at Friendly's. After a certain number of stickers, it is a Mommy/Kailey evening for dinner. Sometimes if I see that she is going to be stubborn, before I get to the point of boiling I say to her "Come on Kailey...I really want to be able to give you a sticker...can we move?" THAT gets her going most times!! :0)

Karleen - posted on 12/20/2008

I deal with this everyday since I run my own home childcare. Yes we use timeouts have you tried redirection if he is touching or getting into something he should not be. I feel for you. Just remember take a deep breath and count to 10 when you know he is pushing your buttons. Also may I suggest standing back and watching sometimes to catch when he is doing something good and praise him for it.

User - posted on 12/20/2008

ok this is going to sound kinda wierd but it worked for me. My son is 26 months and at about 18 months he stopped listening. I could jump up and down screaming his name, time outs, time in his room and nothing worked. Then I thought about dog training. When we took our old dog the first lesson was getting him to listen for his name, come running when he hears it and gets a treat for doing so. So I thought what do I have to lose. So every time I said Jacks name and he looked I gave him a gummie bear. When I called his name from another room and he came or responded I have gave him a bear, I did that for about 2 days and he responded every time when he figured out good things happen. Then when I asked him to do something and he did it he got a gummie bear (I started with simple things then got harder). In total it took about a week with gummie bears. And as the week progressed he only got 1 or 2 a day so he never knew when he was getting a treat and would listen all the time. Well, to make a long story short it is now 9 months later and he is still doing great with his listening. He still gets the odd time out for temper tantrums and hitting and little things like that but listening isn't a problem.

Give it a try, what is it going to hurt.

Kirsten - posted on 12/20/2008

Maybe he is just not understanding how sad and angry this behavior makes you. I would say stick to the time outs but before you put him in time out make sure that you have told him very clearly what he did to get in time out and how it makes you feel. And when it's time for him to get up from time-out have him apologize to you. I would also suggest that you thank him for his apology and tell him you still love him but you don't like it when he doesn't listen. I hope this is helpful.

Amy - posted on 12/20/2008

I'm waiting for the same answer! My 2 year old is the same way, will not stay in time out, smiles and laughs the whole time, and when I do let her up, she goes right back and does again what she got in trouble in the first time! Someone told me that it sounds like my daughter has no respect for me, even though I am constistant and stick with my rules. So how is it that she never had respect for me in the first place and how am I supposed to earn it back? So sorry I can't help, I'm kinda in the same boat your in.

Rebecca - posted on 12/20/2008

Rose is correct about the time-out situation. You need to get your child to a place where he understands no as a response. If you give into him because you're in a rush then you're going to be facing a very long and difficult road.



Next time you are in this situation, you have to tell him no you also have to tell him what the consequences are going to be if he continues not to listen. Let me put this into a scenario for you.



You are trying to leave for work in the morning and you've asked your son to put his coat on. Unfortunately, your son is more interested in playing with his toy trucks instead. You ask your son a second time to put his coat on...it is now that you would say, "Son, Mommy has asked you two times to put your coat on. I am going to count to 5 and I expect you to have it on. If you don't then mommy is going to put your coat on for you and you are going to loose your trucks for the rest of today." By asking 2 times you are giving your son a chance to comply. By counting you are setting a deadline that he understands (remember child this age have no concept of time). And by setting out the consequences up front he understands what is going to happen if he doesn't put his coat on.



The final piece of advise I can give you is no matter what method you choose you have to be consistant! Don't bounce around trying new strategies, it sometimes takes several trys before a kiddo gets it.



I've have had a lot of success with the counting and consequence technique and hope you do too.



Oh, one last thing...I read somewhere that it is better to count backwards for younger kids because they have a difficulty of know when you are getting to 5. By counting backwards they get where 1 is fall. Sounds silly but trust me it works.



Good luck.

Tasha - posted on 12/20/2008

I have a similar problem with my 3 yr old. She is definately pushing boundries. This week she got a whole bag of toys taken away after she wouldn't attempt to pick them up. Let me know if you figure something out!

Kristen - posted on 12/20/2008

One of things I would do is taking away their favorite toy for a short time and returning it when they would behave.

User - posted on 12/20/2008

Well, first off, the experts say a time out should only be for a minute per year of age, up until the age of 5. Secondly, their attention span is very limited at 3. A 2 hour time out would not be helpful because they wouldn't understand or remember why they are there in the first place. I suggest getting down at his level, looking right into his eyes with your hand on his shoulder, to be sure you have his attention. My kids rarely listen either. It's normal at that age. You just have to be prepared to repeat yourself many times and praise them a lot when they do.