How do I tell my son to stop masterbating at inappropraite times?

Nikki - posted on 12/27/2011

Ladies..thanks to all of you who really wanted to help me with this one. I had a lot of encouragment on how to deal with my feelings. I did sit down and talk to my husband and then we sat him down and spoke to him about it. My son apologized for being disrespecful to me when he lashed out. He has had major anger problems in the past. I want to be involved in my childrens life, and I will always love them. During different time in their lifes , I am sure that we will have disagreements. We all agreed that for now, he needs to heep his private time just that- private. As his parents he understands that we have rules for a reason. Even when his sister might not respect his privacy, he can make better choices, and follow our rules. He even said that he is the big brother..and is modeling for her in not just this situation, but in all aspects of life. Yes, he keeps his door shut when he is watching TV, playing games and lots of other reasons that have nothing to do with masterbating. Lastly..I am not sure where the talk about soap, abuse, physical assult and what not. It just seemed to take on a totally different direction. With that being said..Mothers, again thank you. ; D

Jessi - posted on 12/27/2011

It is perfectly normal and healthy for a fifteen year old (male or female) to masturbate. I agree with the majority of posts. You know what he's up to in his room and the door is closed. If you continue to walk in on him, that's your own fault. All parents have teen children, and they get through it just fine. Alone in his bedroom is the appropriate place for that. Respect his privacy. All of you.

Sherri - posted on 12/27/2011

@Jodi I wonder how she also proposes you physically assault a teenage boy to get soap in his mouth (he's not going to stand there and open his mouth and let you do it you know....). Good luck with that.

I have to say as a teen I would have stood there and done as my parents said and honestly I have a 15 & 13yr old and they would too if I told them too. There would be no fighting involved. (NOT THAT I WOULD MIND YOU) Just saying most teenagers I know will do as they are told by their parents.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/27/2011

Dude, a 15 year old boy does not intentionally get naked and masturbate at the moment his 11 year old sister is going to walk in on him, or knowing his mother is going to come in also. Nope.

Also, I don't think you should offer him a "code" word when he is masturbating. That means he will essentially be telling you "hey I am whacking off". It is a personal private thing, and he will be to embarrassed to tell you. He really shouldn't have to tell you. It should be knocking followed by "can I come in?" and if he says "no" that should be enough.

Like i said earlier, your daughter is going to be hitting puberty soon also. Suggesting that your son intentionally was masturbating for her to see, is like saying your daughter will change her menstrual pad just when he is about to walk into the bathroom. Absurd, right? She needs to learn boundaries and I think she may have learned the hard way. No one wants to see a family member engaging in a sexual act. How would you like it if your kids walked in when you and your husband were engaging in a sexual act? I am pretty sure you would get defensive, upset and embarrassed. Do YOU have a lock on your door?

Fiona - posted on 12/27/2011

sorry but the privacy bit refers to MASTURBATING not ADHD

Chrystal - posted on 12/27/2011

Nikki-I'm not in your home so don't presume to know the full picture but if you truly think that his actions were on purpose as a passive aggressive behavior toward his sister then you need to keep an eye on him that's not normal sexual behavior and it's dangerous for your son and daughter. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion it doesn't really seem like that was what was going on to me but like I said I'm not in your home; just keep an eye on him if it becomes something that happens again and again seeing as he's got health issues I assume he's got a medical team and they would need to know something like that to help him. If that's really what it was that's something you can't deal with at home it need professional help before he does it with someone outside the home and gets arrested or worse.

Sarah - posted on 12/27/2011

@Nikki- I was wondering, when I first posted to this, if it wasn't really an accident, but didn't want to assume. A- Your child, whether embarrassed and in the heat of the moment, or not, has no right to talk to you this way and your husband should stand by you on that. B- If it might not have been an accident, what will a door lock help? When we break the rules, embarrassing or not, we have consequences, as should your son. It's scary to think of him using a sexual act to punish anyone. I think it's important, at this point to not shame him, though that doesn't sound like the type of parent you are. I think you're doing a fine job, don't worry about some of the biddies on here. Good luck and God bless!

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2011

I see Marianne, with her suggestion for soap, is speaking from experience with her teenagers....*cough, cough* I wonder how she also proposes you physically assault a teenage boy to get soap in his mouth (he's not going to stand there and open his mouth and let you do it you know....). Good luck with that.



There are other ways, you know. And no, it doesn't involve soap, and it doesn't involve punching his teeth in as a viable alternative. **shakes head**

Jesse - posted on 12/27/2011

I would agree that soap for a 15 year old getting caught masturbating is a little over the top... his reaction to getting busted isn't the problem here, and it's obvious it was only out of complete embarrassment. she needs to just let this one go! mind you if your 6 year old is constantly telling lies a little soap in the mouth to wash away the horrible lies wont hurt... tell yu what i would not be forcing a 15 year old to wash there mouth out with soap it just would not happen! still everyone is entitled to there own opinion and what ever works for each individual family.

Mandy - posted on 12/26/2011

you said he was in his room with the door closed? his sister needs to respect his privacy and his space. its not ok to say go in private and do this but no you cant have any privacy.

Karen Ann - posted on 12/26/2011

Seriously soap in his mouth at his age. Did I suggest physical abuse? Ground him, take his phone,ipod,video games, extra chores. Soap in the mouth can be considered abuse just like a punch. And for the record I detest the term "hate on" it is just not proper grammar.

Teresa - posted on 12/26/2011

Soap in the mouth is nasty and, IMO, completely unnecessary, but this isn't a post on soap so I'll leave it at that.

Gwen - posted on 12/26/2011

1) ADHD and bi polar has nothing to do with privacy issues. 2) No one reads anyone's profile when responding to a post I wouldn't think. I know I don't. My son is 8 and has ADHD and mild Autism and he even knocks and waits to be given permission to enter. I agree with alot of the ladies here saying your son didn't do anything wrong.

Penny - posted on 12/26/2011

hi. i think you took all the right measures.i have one suggestion that might help.first of all sit down with your hubby.and talk to him one on one and exsplain to him that if he would sit down with his son and tell him if anyone in the house knocks on his door to tell them wait aminute then enter.its easier for a son to talk to about these things then an mom.then after they are done talking call an family meeting and remind everyone in the house that if someones door is closed to always knock and and wait for them to respond with an codeword like enter.if they door say enter dont go in until u hear that.also remind everyone if some accidently come in before hearing enter .to not yelled because its very disrespecting.and tell him privately you know you may embarrasssed him and that you are sorry and he may apoligize for yelling.hope this helps if he doesnt have a lock on his door you might want to buy him one.and remind him to lock it when hes in his room so he can have privacy or if he just want time to his self.i went through all this to

Sherri - posted on 12/26/2011

That is funny Teresa because I have never lived in a place that ever had locks on any doors other than the outside doors and bathroom door.

Karen Ann - posted on 12/26/2011

Masturbation by either boys or girls is NORMAL. Adults masturbating NORMAL. It is a personal choice like so many other things. Give him a break.

Teresa - posted on 12/26/2011

I've never lived in a place where all the bedrooms didn't already HAVE locks on the doors....

Karen Ann - posted on 12/26/2011

Hormonal teenager with his brain still developing not an adult he needs someone to give him a break.

Karen Ann - posted on 12/26/2011

Soap in the mouth for 15 year old.......seriously

Karen Ann - posted on 12/26/2011

Masturbation is normal and healthy at any age. It is a release that may be expressed in other harmful ways. I work with mentally challenged me and we all give them private time and never barge in without knocking several times. But they must be in private and not in a common area. I am sure your son understands this. I think restricting to his room after his sister is asleep is a bit much. Can he really determine when the urge will happen. It will just make him frustrated and angry. Especially being bi-polar when impulses are hard to control even on meds (I am bi-polar so I understand). He will probably say anything when he is busy to get someone to leave him alone and I am sure he does not want to tell his Mom gee I am masturbating come back later. Maybe a do no disturb sign for his door. A lock which you have a key to only be used in emergencies. His sister must be taught boundries and she will be needing them herself soon. As for the Barbie maybe not appropriate but normal. My brother loved his Farrah Fawcett poster. Give him a break the teenage years are so hard.

Ashley - posted on 12/26/2011

Maybe something on his door handle that his sister can recognize as "private time"

Fiona - posted on 12/26/2011

you know what? his room should be a private place at his age and the poor kid shouldnt have to have people walk in on him! give him his privacy! if u dont want your 11 year old to see it - tell her to give him his privacy! i dont think its very fair i am sorry

Jesse - posted on 12/26/2011

another note is that a picture of your son as your profile pic because if it is while you are taking about him masturbating than i feel for his embarrassment even more... It is all well and good to be "open" about sex and talk about it but everyone needs there own privacy and everyone needs to feel comfortable just because you feel alright talking about sex openly does not mean that your son does not feel uncomfortable talking about sex.... gosh just put a lock on his door... if he over uses it (slams his door or locks himself in there constantly) take if off but until it is miss used give him the privacy a teenage boy needs and a little bit of respect. how would you feel if someone was talking about you masturbating all over the Internet with your photo as the profile picture... if not going to get a lock then other people in the house need to learn a few rules... maybe you can wait until he comes and opens the door or says come in :D... Good luck

Marianne - posted on 12/25/2011

I just read what you last posted. Since he got mouthy after the fact and not in the heat of the moment, I say a little soap never hurt anyone!!

Marianne - posted on 12/25/2011

Nikki, I agree with most moms when they said maybe you should have asked if it was ok to come in or not before opening the door. I think the code-word thing would still be embarrassing for anyone. No matter whether you call it "pleasing yourself" "apples" "masterbating" whatever, I HIGHLY doubt he would want you to know. As for the lock, my son is 6 and has a nickel-lock (one that has an indented line across that you can put a coin in and turn to open) on his door. There is nothing wrong with a lock as long as it isn't abused (used WAY too often) and if you can get in when needed. A lock would also insure that your daughter can't walk in at inappropriate times. I think that the statement "a lock on the door is going to make him lock you out of his life" is a bit of an over exaggeration. I think the core values you teach your kids when they are young will stick with them into adulthood as long as they are continually reinforced as they are growing (mine is only six so I have no solid proof, that's just what I believe). I think that yes, even though him yelling at you was probably an automatic reaction (it's not like that's the way he talks to you regularly), he should still realize that it was not ok and apologize. I wouldn't dwell on it too long or take it too personal, mistakes happen and life goes on. Maybe a sport or a club or some sort of other activity will help him to spend less time doing that business.
Since you posted 3 days ago, I would hope all has blown over by now and life has gone back to normal. Happy holidays to you and your family and I hope you guys find/found a good solution.

Nikki - posted on 12/25/2011

Well..I defintley got alot of responses. My son yelled at me AFTER the incident..and not when I walked in. Please do not attack others on here personally. I have had numerous talks with both of my children on masterbation and that it is a normal part of life. I do believe that it has it's time and place. AGAIN I was mostly upset about my son yelling at me and being disrepectful WAY after the actual incident.. He did not say anything when I walked in.I just said to him come see afterwards.I am almost to the point that I think it was miscommunication as he said he was doing nothing when I asked him what he was doing. When I told him that his sister was upset about it, thats when he blew up at me. I do not want either of my children to feel embarrassed, or ashamed. I want them to follow basic rules and use common sense. I also think my son did it on purpose. He is a passive aggressive person when it comes to things dealing with his sister. Of course I masterbate and it started when I was 11 or so. I did not do it when others were around. @ Melanie...yes his sister saw the barbie. Additionally he did say he was doing nothing and his sister walked in. Hope this clears up some of the time line.

Krista - posted on 12/25/2011

Exactly, Sherri. Masturbation is a very healthy way for a teen to release that pent-up sexual energy. Goodness knows that neither pregnancy, nor STDs, nor broken hearts have ever resulted from a hot date with one's hand!

Plus, masturbation is a non-harmful, non-heartbreak way for a person to learn what pleases them sexually -- information that they can then pass on to their eventual partner.

Sherri - posted on 12/25/2011

@Michelle that is crazy in no way is masturbation linked to porn or problems with relationships. That is a bunch of religion trying to convince you that a very normal thing is wrong and abnormal. It is 100% normal and everyone should be able to masturbate woman or man without feeling they have done or are doing something wrong.

Not to mention just as many woman masturbate as men and many do it everyday are still happily married and are loving moms and wives.

Kathleen - posted on 12/25/2011

I think you are doing a fine job parenting. You are dealing with a teenager and pre-teen... that's tough. Make sure your son always keeps his door locked when privacy is called for. Have your husband talk to him about privacy and hygiene issues for a man and explain that masturbating is not doing "nothing". Maybe a code word would work. If he is busy doing his thing and someone knocks a code word could be used such a "apples". Then give him more time. Also, let him know that his sisters things are off limits for his personal use. Neither should violate each others privacy. Being that your children are ADHD... be patient and repeat the rules often. God Bless and Merry Christmas!

Hillary - posted on 12/25/2011

in a grown up world you can't stop to masturbate whenever the urge hits. there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries and appropriate times. this is still your home and he needs to be respectful of everyone that lives in the home with him. by all means put a lock on his door but make sure he knows that it's for privacy purposes and not so he can shut you out or use that as an opportunity to do things he knows aren't allowed. he's going to be grown soon and is old enough now to learn adult control for adult actions.

Kelly - posted on 12/25/2011

Mary, How is his bedroom an inappropriate place?

Chrystal - posted on 12/25/2011

My best advice is to allow your husband to guide how you guys handle your sons puberty and issues like masturbation. Boys and girls are different; as a women you've never been a teenage boy with that specific set of chemicals running through your body; your husband has so let him guide you in what is appropriate and not appropriate for a boy his age. If your daughter still has trouble with boundaries then you need to put more focus into teaching her those things it's not your other child's responsibility to protect his sister it's yours. Play a game of knocking and waiting for you to say come in before she enters and then find a reward she likes for every time you catch her practicing the proper behavior in everyday life. And practice the behavior yourself it will be hard for her to understand she must knock and wait to be invited if the rest of family doesn't follow the same rules. As far as the disrespecting you I understand how you feel in a perfect world a child would never say a negative thing to a parent but it's not a perfect world especially with a teen. You have to pick your battles and I'm sorry but that was not a battle to pick. Try showing your son empathy in that sort of situation imagine how you would have felt he was disrespectful as a way to hide embarrassment not the right response but a human one and something you could let slid. I like some others advice to find some activities to do like sports give him a chance to burn off energy and focus on other parts of his development. It won't stop the masturbation but it will give him ways to practice positive interactions and working toward goals.

Ashlee - posted on 12/25/2011

I definantly agree tat dad needs to talk to him more about what a males body is going through and encourage shower masterbating that way it is private and clean, but if he must do it in his room a lock on the door is key to prevent accidental walk in's also have you tried getting a busy do not disturb sign for him to hang on the door knob and talk to your daughter about when that sign is on his door not to bother him until it is removed.But i'd try pushing the shower solution on him its worth a try .

Pamela - posted on 12/25/2011

First of all he is 15....do you remember what you were like at 15? We all tend to be rebellious and non-thinking when it comes to others. As teens we generally are extremely self-centered. That is the first thing to remember when addressing his actions.

Second, it was disrespectful to enter a closed door without permission. If the door is closed to his room, even after knocking it is most polite to ask "May I come in", especially because you know his habits and can guess that he may well be masturbating. Even if he is your child, living in your home, he is a PERSON first and due the respect that you would have for yourself.

Maybe a good phrase for a closed, but unlocked, door would be "Are you pleasing yourself?" Then if he is honest he can say yes and there will be no disturbance. Seems as if he is at least closing the door....therefore asking for and expecting privacy whether it's his room or the bathroom.

As for your daughter, she is eleven closing approaching puberty and her own sexual changes. Do you intend to sit down with her and speak of masturbation as a relief for her sexual needs as well? I certainly hope so. Though the process is different for girls it would be helpful for her to know how to care for her needs to help avoid an unwanted pregnancy in her teen years.

Kids are maturing sexually a lot earlier these days than they were at my teen years, and with the total exposure of sex and violence that our world culture has today, the better informed the child....the better chance of wise decisions.

You should be happy that you have an open household when it comes to sex....now just allow your son some privacy and tell his sister to ask that question.. "Are you pleasing yourself?" before she enters a room with a closed door.

Laura - posted on 12/25/2011

Hi Nikki:



I like yawls approach to sexuality for your children - there's a place and time for everything. I also like the idea of switching the door latch to a lockable one. Maybe son and dad need to have more conversations about what's cool, what's not and ways to manage awkward situations where sex drive and urgency is concerned. It's hard to adjust to a body that didn't care much about sex to one that's driven by sexual impulses.



My boys are 4 and 1/2 years apart and they share a bedroom now. The oldest is 10, so we have a few years before the youngest gets locked out of his room for the same reason. Then again, the youngest learned how to pick the lock way before the older one did. (The youngest is my can-do-kid and has insatiable curiosity to boot.) I can imagine the fights that will ensue and praying they can work out an equatable solution.



Merry Christmas - Laura



PS: Don't know how your daughter feels about that barbie doll, but I'd want to wash it up and donate it because I couldn't look at the thing without thinking what you're son did with it. Barbie toy deserves a clean slate with a new child (joke).

Wendy - posted on 12/25/2011

You said your son was in his room with the door closed. Is that not "in private?". If you were in your room with your door closed, do you not assume, possibly even demand that your children respect the fact that a closed door warrants privacy? I agree with your husband. Your son's privacy was not respected and he was embarrassed. Given the fact that the entire family knows he masturbates, perhaps you guys should wait for him to open the door, instead of barging in!

Nova - posted on 12/25/2011

Designate spaces where he can safely explore his body like his bedroom or during bath time. It is our duty to promote healthy sexual experiences and not shame. Exploring the body is a great start. With patience and repetition, your son will arrive at a mutual understanding. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Sarah - posted on 12/25/2011

Please, don't put a lock on his door. This could lead to bigger problems down the road; isolation, locking you out, not knowing what's going on, etc. Your original rules are perfectly fine. If he has to wait until his sister is in bed, that's okay. We all have to learn to control our urges for instant gratification. And, whether he was mortified, or not, he owes you an apology. Make him stick to the rules already in place, if he gets caught doing it again I think there should be consequences. Make sure he knows he's only in trouble b/c his sister/you shouldn't have to see it, not b/c of the act itself. I think you're doing a great job! I only hope I can be as candid with my son *gulp* when the time comes!

Lorrie - posted on 12/25/2011

I agree with most of the post here but also keep in mind that the "urge" is not going to hit just after all r asleep. A lock is an excellent idea and talking "respect & privacy" over again with ur 11 yr old may also be a good idea. By the way, my son has same issues as urs yet at 10 he still can obey our privacy rules with knocking and waiting to be invited in. Not knocking u, just saying.

Mary - posted on 12/25/2011

Well, I must stick to the mom's side on this one! She did ask him what he was doing and he said "nothing". He could have said "busy" or "privacy please". I raised two sons and I never once caught them doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places. The whole situation should be put on the shoulders of the boy! After all she has talked to him about this subject!

Sandy - posted on 12/25/2011

stay out of his room and tell your daughter to also if the door was shut thats in private your walk in and so did your daughter not the son fault.

Betty - posted on 12/25/2011

I agree you must repect his privacy but how embarrassed is he going to be knowing his picture is on your profile and his business out there for all the world to see? Maybe a private forum would have been a little more appropriate?

Jesse - posted on 12/25/2011

seriously I understand that you feel like he disrespected you but come on he is a 15 year old that was busted wacking off! he would have only reacted on impulse and out of total embarrassment. In my opinion you can't give him rules like what time he can wack off because of his sister been awake... she is old enough to knock and wait for a response... and in all honesty I cannot believe for one minute that you could not hear the worry or distress in him voice when he said he was doing NOTHING! It sounds to me like you knew what he was doing and wanted to catch him out... could you not have just let it go. give him privacy teach your girl some manners and also there are a lot of people that were giving you good advice and everyone agreed on the same thing and you just argued with them and expected that everyone knew about completely different issues the problems that your kids have, these issues have nothing to do with the problems you face. listen to people's advice if you are going to ask for it even if it's not what you were expecting to hear! Good luck and i hope you get somewhere with everyones advice on here :D

Gill - posted on 12/24/2011

no

Johnny - posted on 12/24/2011

Get a lock for his door and make sure you give him time to get "organized" before walking in. If you are open about sexuality and relationships, and model positive behavior within your own, he will learn well. Just keep those lines of communication open.

Regardless of what stuff kids go through during puberty
(and it can be some seemingly strange stuff), most of the time they come out the other side just fine, as long as they are given positive ideas and role modelling. Teenagers are just beginning to explore and develop an understanding of their own sexuality. Forcing them to squelch that is the kind of thing that creates serial killers. It can really harm their emotional/social/sexual development to preach to them about how evil their behavior is and to try to stop them from doing what is coming naturally to them.

As a proud masturbator, which I always do in private just as I do sex, toileting, nose picking, plucking the stupid hair that grows on my boob or the sharing of intimate secrets, I have no shame. I do not feel badly about self-pleasuring any more than I do about taking a crap or getting the boogers out of my nose. Although I would say that I enjoy it more, lol. I probably started masturbating around 11 years old and I have done it a lot ever since. Yet somehow I manage to have a positive, enjoyable sexual relationship with my husband of 8 years. Also a masturbator.

Please don't pay too much mind to these twisted moralistic ideas of human sexuality that bear no relationship to the reality of the human experience. Making self-pleasuring into a sin and monitoring it will just create fear, guilt and phobia in our children. It will not lead to some sort of future positive adult sexual relationships. The important lesson to impart is how to harness our natural impulses into good, pleasurable experiences that leave us both physically AND emotionally satisfied.

Cheryl - posted on 12/24/2011

Hey Melanie.... The boy did not give the girl permission. I reread the thing & it states that she asked for something, but he did not reply & she just walked in.

Melanie - posted on 12/24/2011

am i the only one confused about the timeline here? the son told his sister it was alright...THEN she walked in...if so THAT was very wrong of him....did the sister see him with the barbie?? did the mom see him with the barbie...i didn't read anything about walking "in on him" seems like people are knocking and he's giving the ok---then he's masturbating when they walk in??? like i said---original question is very confusing to me...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2011

Masturbation does not equal porn.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2011

WOWZA Michelle....couldn't quite make it the whole way through, but masturbation is a natural release of many things. It shocks me how many people think touching your own body is wrong.

Doris - posted on 12/24/2011

Ok Little Miss, you have thew right to your opinion as does everyone who posted. God bless you.