How do I treat my son-in-law after I found out he hits my daughter!

Rita - posted on 07/25/2011

Pffft.. praying does nothing! My father beat my mother two to three times a week, would abuse his 7 children and went to church every Sunday being a devout Catholic. My Dad is a non smoker..non drinker..never has been! She is still with him.. 48 years and he still gives her a touch up. We children were fostered out and Mum was put into hospital many times and even into a psychiactirc hospital to get him away but because he had her 100% dependant on him, she would always return. He made sure he he took her away from her family by moving to another country and keeping her at home with the kids so she had no friends...
She married him when she was 18 in 1963 and there wasn't the services we have available today and the education about domestic violence and it being unacceptable...HELLO it's 2011. If he thinks it's ok..he can go slap his mother about..see how far he gets!!!
He will stop her from seeing you..trust me, particularly when the bruises start appearing, he starts having total control and eventually she will be too scared to leave the house. Get onto it now!

Satya - posted on 07/25/2011

I think you are doing the right thing. You can't force your daughter to make a decision sooner than she is ready. Just continue to support her she needs you now more than ever. I am sure it is hard for you but forcing her to leave him sooner than she is ready will be detrimental to the whole situation. Stay strong.

Sandy - posted on 07/25/2011

If it's a playful tap to the head or punch in the arm over a joke or play wrestling, then you simply remind them to be careful. If he's actually hitting her with force and angrily, try to talk her into leaving him until he gets psychiatric treatment or goes to jail for assault. If she refuses, then you may have a dead daughter on your hands someday. That sounds overly dramatic, but victims who stay in a dangerous situation will often stay victims the rest of their lives for however long that might be. Keep in mind that if he gets violent, and she runs to you after an assault, he could just as easily come after you also. If this happens, at least you can call the police on him.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/25/2011

Support her and try to talk her out of this environment. Take her to a support group so she will see she is not alone. But get her out of it before he kills her.

Karen - posted on 07/25/2011

Pick her up and let her stay with you while she plots a new path for her life. (although it may take several times of leaving to make it permanent because abusers are so good at looking apologetic and giving gifts, etc. Getting out early is the least damaging to her and the kids. Tell your son in law the same thing you would tell your son--you do not tolerate violence of any kind and you will turn him in if you ever witness it. Guide him to Christ, anger control classes, counseling, rehab if there are drugs and alcohol involved and pray for him to grow up and change. He has a hard road ahead to straighten himself out. But help your daughter to stay away for now and move on without him if she will agree.

Janet - posted on 07/25/2011

i went through this with my own daughter, itcame to a head one day and she choose him, so i walked away, i didn't see her for nearly a year, she was so angry at me, she eventually got rid of him on her own during my absence. i'm afraid she must learn to do this herself. but on the other hand if you can get him on his own and let him know an eye for an eye, if u have a good brother or someone who can give him a good workover just to let him know what it is like and no longer acceptable. i had know one to help me at that time and i went through hell. you are told off if you try to step in to help, and you will regret it if you don't, but this man must be put in his place, or he will not stop. my first husband used to hit me, then he started on the kids. he would have a couple of beers and then it was on. i stopped him eventually just before i left him. he was goading me sitting there drinking one saturday afternoon and in the end i said to him" if you hit me tonite better make sure you kill me' he laughed, what did i mean? i repeated, if u hit me better make sure u kill me because when i get better i'm going to wait until you get into your drunken stupers and i'm going to take this can of baked beans and i'm going to break every bone in your body, i won't kill u cause you are not worth spending time in jail for but i will have to decide whether to leave you a paraplegic or a quadraplegic totally dependant upon me for you every need, won't that be pleasant for you! and i left that can of beans on the table to remind him, i never got hit again, but i had left it too late i should have done it years earlier. we women will go through a lot before we find our own testes, some never do, hope your daughter does and the sooner the better. i wish you luck

Bernadette - posted on 07/25/2011

I am sorry to hear that your daughter is being abuse but abuse in any form is abuse and it is very hard to deal with for u and for your daughter and seen that this is not the first time it happen it will happen again and i am only guessing here for it is a classic case of denial for he would of convince her that he is sorry n he wont do it again and somehow it is her faul that is why he slap her and it will only escerlate.and it is very hard to convince her that these little slap is abuse for that it what he would call the slap little for if he was abusing he would hit her harder . he is also working silence verbal abuse on her as well and making her feel that she cant do better.i had years of it before i realize it was abuse for it was always my fault or i didnt understand how he had a hard day and am not paying attention to him so he would slap me an so it went on for eight years for i didnt have forum like this or much help from anyone cause it was better to be n a broken and abuse marriage than to be a devorcee but whem my first child wrote to her teacher that if she cant have a happy home she will run away that was the wake up call for me.and the teacher give me this poem and this also was the strength i needed for i didnt was to end up like the woman in the poem but you have to talk to her and let her know that he is sick and need help for if you speak ill about him will push her to him and you also have to let her that she cant help him it pain me deeply when i hear of woman being abuse verbal, physcial,emontional, or social it hard as a parent to know that this is going on for it make you feel helpless since she have decided to go back to him.( PRAYERS HELP JOIN A PRAY GROUP )FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE WILL HELP BUT SHE MUST WANT HELP AND YOU MIGHT ALEINATE HER FROM YOU N SHE MAY LOSE CONFIDENCE IN CONFIDING IN YOU. THIS IS THE POEM I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND HER==========



I found this poem from Paulette Kelly that I want to share with you. After reading it, all I could say is damn...

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today

Rita - posted on 07/25/2011

Tell his parents and let them know what their son is doing! Is this acceptable behaviour from their son? Is this what they raised? Put shame on him as this is what he deserves and get her the hell out of there..she's 20 for goodness sakes...what, you want her to have 40 oddd years of abuse 'supporting her' decision to be there? NO WAY!! Plenty of time to find a way better MAN than that....

Celia - posted on 07/25/2011

if it were me... i would KILL him. i grew up with friends and family who were in abusive relationships and never understood the woman who would allow herself to stay in that situation. has she said why she wants to stay. my husband reared back to hit me once and ended up breaking our bedroom door and i left him for that. i made him agree to go to counseling (and he did) before i would come home. and we are better off now. maybe u can get her into some sort of support group who will help her with the strength to leave him? nobody has a right to lay their hands on another! abuse is one of those things that usually spiral out of control. it gets worse and worse and could cost her a lot on the way. a few years back a girl that my husband had gone to school with was killed by her boyfriend and buried in a shallow grave.. she had a toddler. i dont wish a loss like that on anyone. i hope/pray your daughters situation improves!!!

Peggy - posted on 07/25/2011

Typically this is a recipe for disaster, urge them to counselling - hope they don't have kids. If they don't - urge her not to have any.

Patience - posted on 07/25/2011

Your Daughter is trying to do the right thing, but she is being foolish for unless he has a real born-again, heart changing experience from his heart and repent asking Jesus Christ to forgive him and change his heart and mean it, he will not change but will only get worse if he thinks no-one can stop him. she should get help, Christian Professional help asap!

Herna - posted on 07/25/2011

Hi Melody,

If you feel your daughter needs help, here is a list of resources that Circle of Moms has connected with.

NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (NCADV)
If you have encountered a Mom on Circle of Moms who has reported domestic violence (including child abuse), or if you are in an abusive relationship, we recommend you contact the following:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
United States Residents: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
http://www.ncadv.org
For questions, resource materials or referrals, Moms can contact
Maria Luisa O'Neill
1-303-839-1852 ext. 109
mloneill@ncadv.org

American Domestic Violence Crisis Line
Americans residing overseas: 1-866-879-6636
http://www.866uswomen.org

Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Center
Australia Residents: 1800 200 526
http://www.dvirc.org.au

Shelternet
Canada Residents: http://www.shelternet.ca

Women's Aid
United Kingdom Residents: 0808 2000 247
http://www.womensaid.org.uk

Other Countries: A worldwide list of agencies against domestic violence can be found at http://www.hotpeachpages.net

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger (and you have contact info), please contact your local law enforcement.

For introductory information on what battering is:
http://www.ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem.ph...

All the Best,
Herna

Debbie - posted on 07/25/2011

Sorry, but I've been there myself, and then saw my daughter go through it. HE WON'T STOP! Men who hit women never quit it. She should realize that and leave now. I know you probably want a better answer, but there isn't one. Women stay with them because they don't want the stigma of divorce, or they do it "for the children" - but it's really worse for the children, because they see the abuse, AND see it being tolerated. I hope they have no children yet. But either way, she needs to get out now!

Lisa - posted on 07/25/2011

Juleah, Krista and Shawwn had good advice. Definitely document everything you can and support her. I would want him dead. I was in an abusive situation and getting out was the best thing I did. Even though it has been almost 21 years I remember every slap, punch, etc vividly. I pray for you and your daughter. I hope she gets the help she needs to get out of that situation.

Sara - posted on 07/25/2011

while I love Alma's thought on this...I had the backing and it did scare the crap out of him. And nobody even came, He would say what are you going to get your Mafia after me and I said yes I will. Here is the thing if there are drugs or alcohol involved that is a whole other mess. Because it is change in personality and he can't control it.

Let me tell the truth of what got me out...I grab this man by the throat, dug my nails in and about pulled his throat out of his neck, when thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit, I heard, "do you want to go to jail for him?" .

I drop my hand and thought this guy is such a woos that he threatens to kill me but that sad fact is I could have killed him. And the beating began. That was the last time he was able to abuse me I got out but not in the heat of the moment. If you get out in the heat of the moment not only you but anybody you involve is in danger that is why Womens shelters are so wonderful.

JENNIFER - posted on 07/25/2011

I THINK YOU SHUD MAKE A DATE WT HIM, AND MAKE HIM AWARE THT U KNOW WTS GOING ON.. AND THT U AS A MOTHER DOES NOT LIKE WT U HEARING. TELL HIM HOW U FEEL AND WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF HE STOP THE HITTING. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HIT, AND HOW WOULD HE LIKE IT IF SOMEONE HITTING STARTS HIM. BE OPEN WT HIM AND DONT HIDE UR FEELINGS.YOU ARE A MOTHER, AND NO MOTHER WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEIR CHILDREN HURT.
BE OPEN WT HIM

Mary - posted on 07/25/2011

I agree with Julie and Bernie. Get her out of the house. It will only get worst. My daughter went through this several times with both her husbands.

Sara - posted on 07/25/2011

This situation sucks. I was in an abusinve relationship before, it took me less then 4 months to leave having my mom come get me and then after about 2 months I went back. I did not want another failed marriage so I went back. The second time I left totally on my own without telling my Mom and that stay was only 4 months. It is your daughters choice to stay, if she has kids it is really bad because she is more dependant on him. For me I have to say I don't think I could be around the son in law. I would have to avoid him because I would go to jail. I think the only thing you can do for your daughter is help her from afar.
Wether it is sending her books Boundries in marriage or whatever. He is tearing up her self esteem right now so she thinks she is nobody. He has probably told her how ugly and disgusting she is and that nobody else could ever love her. Talk to her about cycles, tell her to start marking it down when he is nice and how long it will take him to go nuts on her. This way she can see that this is a pattern and it will not get better. Give her the number to an emergency shelter place like Genisis.

I know your question was about how to treat your son-in-law, he is not the issue right now that you need to worry about. She is, she will say she loves him and all that jazz but she can love him from another house. She does not need to live with him to be married, nobody is telling her to get divorce. She can tell him she needs to go get help, you know the whole, "its not you it's me" thing. He will be more able to let her go because he has talked himself and her into the fact that all of this is her fault and she deserves to be hit because she is so stupid.

Another way is you must lift her up dalily. I had a best friend that would says things like you are such a precious jewel to God. You are such a wonderful person. You have so much to offer the world. Her words, prayer, fasting, and having the balls to say no is what got me out.

One last thing I am not married to that man anymore and guess what not only did he remarry but he is abusing her, he actually has gone to his family and threatens them has faught with them and been to jail over it. He is nuts.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this but I would not allow the husband to be around you either. It makes a statement of it is okay to hit your daughter if you don't put your foot down.

Mildred - posted on 07/25/2011

Yes u need to step in a say something. Let your daughter know its not ok to be abused. Suggest that they both get counseling because she need as well as he do because she is excepting the abuse.

Sandy - posted on 07/25/2011

Hmm I was the daughter in this situation I was 16 and got married to a guy that was 21. He ws very abusive from the begininning but I stayed. After I told my mom about this he would call her and they would talk. I finally got up the nerve to leave him and get a divorce he cont to call my mom and she cont to talk to him. She didn't think it was right that I wouldn't talk to him or his parents! They saw what was going on and did nothing to stop him!

DELIA - posted on 07/25/2011

Your daughter needs help in the form of counseling/therapy if she has decided to coexist with her husband in an abusive relationship. It is not healthy for either one of them and it will just escalate. If she is adamant about not leaving him then he should also go to counseling/therapy for anger management...since he's probably in denial that he has a problem they can go as a couple but I have a feeling she'll just get a beating afterwards if she tells the truth at a counseling session therefore the best place to start is with her on her own so she may gain more self esteem and confidence in herself and realize what she really must do. If there are children involved it is your responsibility to report any kind of abuse to child protective services (you should also be protecting your daughter and reporting her husband to the police every time you witness physical abuse...no matter what your daughter says...apparently she still needs parental protection if she's not able to do it on her own, mom).

Jeannaka - posted on 07/25/2011

@Leslie J. Sometines being gently doesn't work. I work in the jail and I see domestic violence offenders repeat. Seldom are they remorseful. They are given counseling in jail but may return. I'm sorry but I've seen all too often this generation, 90's baby's, is on a completely differently level mentally. You have to SHOW them that you mean what you say. If your daughter doesn't defend herself, he will continue to disrespect her. Explain to that her that you will always have her back and help is there. If she doesn't, as I said earlier call some male realitives and whoop his monkey tail.

Cathy - posted on 07/25/2011

thank you Alma, finally someone with brains commented. forget this counseling BS and just support her BS, wake up people don't you read the news! how many murdered and missing wives do we need!

Alma - posted on 07/25/2011

Grrrr! Posts about abuse really irk me!! Find someone to go and teach this guy a lesson! Send someone to scare the snot out of him and threaten him so bad that he will be worshipping the ground your daughter walks on! Every woman should have an "Uncle Guido" on speed dial! Men who in any way abuse women or children deserve the same amount of treatment and disrespect. If he is doing this to her now, how will he treat their future children? I say follow the NO TOLERANCE policy. This is no time to be civil!

Jackee - posted on 07/25/2011

Melody, I am so sorry to hear that. As a Mom, I know you are feeling the abuse right along with her. I myself...I would tell your son-in-law how you feel. If he doesn't know that you know (your daughters preference) come up with a 'A friend of mines daughter' story and give him your hypothetical response that way.

Suggest your daughter put together a backup plan for safety in the event it gets worse and she needs to get out of the situation, put money aside to give her the means to make a move if she needs to and seek counseling... Tell her to expect it at all times and be prepared. If she wants to stay with him, she needs to expect the unexpected.

Kim - posted on 07/25/2011

Be supportive to your daughter. Do not confront him, he will lie to you and if it makes him angry she will pay the price for it. Been there done that. Just support her, maybe get in contact with friends of hers so that you can all support her, be there for her and keep an eye on her as well. The more people she knows she can turn to the stronger it will make her feel, she will know she is worthy of people who really care.

Angela - posted on 07/25/2011

Tell your daughter to join self defense classes or martial arts and warn him that if this ever happen again one of them will have to go to jail, and most likely it will be her because she will take care of the situtation.

Cathy - posted on 07/25/2011

do you really have to ask that?? have him arrested and get your daughter the hell away from him! the guy is a creep

Leslie - posted on 07/25/2011

Gently suggest/ aid them in getting counseling.

Tamara - posted on 07/25/2011

Seek help in dealing with your emotions and heart.

I would first see an pastor who could pray with you, for this situation. Then, get the under standing needed from a family violence center, so that you know what abuse really is. Your daughter and you may have some real issues concerning this and rightly so, However, your son in law especially has some issues and knowing the right way to encourage your daughter is very important and necessary if her safety is at risk. However, if this is a very frustrating situation for both of them that they simply have handlled well, then directing them to a good pasture who can help them with conflict resolution may be the first step.

Ana - posted on 07/25/2011

As a mother, probably you should advise them to get a good counselor. If he keeps treating her with physical abuse, the police should be called.

Julie - posted on 07/25/2011

She needs to leave him. If he hits her in the back of the head it will get worse.... GET OUT NOW! He doesn't love her like she loves him or he would't hit her.. He is a coward for hitting a woman!!! I went through it 6 years of my life... 2 trips to the hospital.. GET OUT while you are alive..

Tamara - posted on 07/25/2011

The # that Krista put will help. I was in a bad marrage and took alot for me to open my eyes and get out, then after I did I had alot of "what have I done" feelings for a month ot so. After being told you are trash,ugly, stupid and getting hit is "normal" everyday day living. It is hard to have the self confendance to move forward and get out and meet new men and just do things that SHE wants to do. If and hopefully when she opens her eyes and leaves him she will need you and anyother friends and family to help her get AWAY from him and start a new life. Let her know that there are millions of other men in the world that would treat her SO much better! Good luck

Evelyn - posted on 07/25/2011

Your daughter needs help. As a parent, watching your daughter and your grandchildren being abused is the most painful experience a mother endures. The feeling of helplessness is very frustrating and destructive to you. Find a counseler and seek advice and how to to cope with this problem.

Julie - posted on 07/25/2011

Terrific post Brianna, and very sound advise...Couldn't have said it better myself

Dshanna - posted on 07/25/2011

Omg...First I would let her know that there is nothing to be afraid of. I am 31 years old and I too was in an abusive relationship. It took me a few years to realize that I did not have to continue with it. My family was there every time that I called them and my mom reassured me that no matter what she would be behind me on whatever decision that I made. It takes her to know when she has had enough and she will leave when she is ready. My best advise is to continue being there for her and when she decides to leave just show her SUPPORT.

Elaine - posted on 07/25/2011

1 st I will give you the advice from her point. My first husband was a abuser and I am willing to bet if he is hitting he has been verbally attacking her longer. By the time he started hitting me he had been verbally attacking me so long I believed it was my fault. Best bet get her in to counseling a trusted doctor or Pastor or support group. Second she is going to need you to build up her confidence I am willing to bet he is placing the blame on her. I am sorry to say I took the beatings for 1 yr. My father and brothers were not happy . Its a feeling of being trapped and self blame. 16 years later I now work with teen girls to see the sings of a abuser before they get involved with them. You did not say if they have children if so I am sure that plays into it also. I have a wonderful husband now and lucky for me we have 3 wonderful kids . I could not have gotten out with out the help of my family but please support her and don't put any self blame on her her confidence is down as it is.( just realised I am on my husbands so this is going to post with his first name)

Berni - posted on 07/25/2011

abuse only gets worse. H will promise to stop. he won't, he will promise to get help, he won't. Please do something before he winds up hurting her or worse...

Julia - posted on 07/25/2011

Just be there for her. Let her know that she doesn't deserve this and that nothing she did could have ever caused him to do this. He has a problem and needs help. If they have children, the children are going to witness the abuse and it is going to traumatize them. Hitting is NEVER, EVER ok.

Eva Marie - posted on 07/25/2011

Hit me once shame on you hit me twice shame on me......abuse gets worst I know it happen to me....girl RUN as fast as you can

Adebisi - posted on 07/25/2011

Still continue to treat him like a son and think of what you will do in this situation if your son-in-law were to be your own son for real, talk to him like you would do to your son and see in which way you can help. You can also suggest professional help if they are dispose to that cause you daughter's life is very important to you.

Berni - posted on 07/25/2011

be there for her if she wants advice she will ask for it, but mainly be there for her. But the scariest part is the abuser will get worse as time goes on, there is no changing them, no matter how many times they say I won't do it again, they will, they will say I will get hep=lp, they won't. I have lived it and I have seen others live it. She does need to know it won't get better; if you do anything, watch him for signs of getting worse.

Maya - posted on 07/25/2011

HELLO!....Sorry to hear what she is going through. I am not a mom of someone that this has happened to but I am a best friend. So I asked my mom for help for her. All you can do is bee supportive of the marriage and let them both know you are there if they ever need you. However my Bff and I grew up together and when she was ready to leave my brothers made it clear to him that we are aware and...Lets say her move out was easy with 3....
6 ft tall300 men moving her things! He cried like a baby! Good luck!

Heather - posted on 07/25/2011

Be there and be supportive of her. Let her know that no matter what you love her more than anything and when she is ready help her restart her life. I know I wish I'd had a mom that did that for me when I was in that situation.

Cheri - posted on 07/25/2011

She needs help you need to get her to leave it will only get worse . I have been on the abuse side and my parents made me take my kids and leave that was the best thing they ever did for me. Stay strong as her mom and help her find a way to leave

Jeannaka - posted on 07/25/2011

Bluntly, "WHOOP HIS A**!" Call over your brothers and then call your daughter's husband to the house. Show him how it feels to be used as a punching bag. Let him know that she was your baby before he married her and that she will always be your baby. Advise that nimwitt that everytime he puts his hands on your daughter, you're going lay hands on him. Husbands/wives come and go, family is eternal whether you like them or not. He can either love your daughter or leave her alone. There's no way I'd sit by and let that happen without saying something.

Kali - posted on 07/25/2011

you should seek advice from an outside source! Unfortunately your daughter is one of many women abused every day and it can go on for years. You should do some research yourself and try to see the signs for yourself! Document everything, taking pictures of bruises and such forth. Your daughter won't understand now, but when the time comes and she decides that finally enough is enough then you'll have proof and that's all you'll need to put him where he belongs!

Zaitoen - posted on 07/25/2011

shuh this is hectic...i would probably beat the guy up myself if he was my son-inlaw. Sadly the line has to be drawn and you have to step in whether your daughter decides to take the abuse or not. If it wasn't the first time it definitely won't be the last. You need to speak to your daughter and tell her that no woman deserves to be abused by a man in anyway. She should think with her mind and not her heart as it will only get worse. And you have to give him a warning else he will just take it for granted that you keeping quiet. Let him know that you are aware of his abuse and will not stand for it.

Melissa - posted on 07/25/2011

You are doing the right thing, in my opinion, not alienating your daughter. Be there for her and she will eventually get the strength to leave him, it can take time, but once she knows she has your support it will be easier. I would take a step back with your son-in-law, obviously you feel different about him, answer if he asks you a question etc, but I certainly would not be treating him like a son. He is a bully, and obviously being clever by being a street angel, house devil! I feel so sorry for her she is so young to be having to deal with this.

Wendy - posted on 07/25/2011

beat the mother humper up
i did that to my ex son -in-law