How do you deal with in-laws that seem to hev no respect for you or your wishes when it comes to your kids?

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Shelly - posted on 02/14/2009

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Okay even though these ladies all have good intentions NO it's not your place to say any thing it is your HUSBANDS.  They are his parents and he needs to set boundies it is hard enough on you and them trying to get use to different ways of parenting you do not need that riff to go along with it.  You and your husband need to decide what boundies need to be set.  B/c if you two are not on the same page it will never work.  I have been on both sides of the fence my foster daughter had to have a talk with me b/c I was being one of those mother-in-laws and I also had the problem with my mother-in-law.  So my husband and I set boundreys and he  took them to his parents.   Please do not do this one on your own...If your husband decides that he doesn't want to confront them then you may need to step in, But until then let your husband be the leader in your home...I will keep you in my prayers

Danica - posted on 02/14/2009

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Be very straight forward and honest. "You raised your kids the way you thought was best, and we are doing the same thing. Our opinions might be different but you need to respect that I am the parent"
Good luck. I haven't seen my in-laws in almost 2 months because they pissed me off!

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Donna - posted on 07/20/2011

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Agreed. If they refuse to abide by your wishes then they shouldn't be allowed in the house. Grow up and respect me or forget about seeing the grandkids. Simple enough, honestly. Put your foot down and be strong for you and your children. They don't like it they don't have to be in your house. End of story.

Andrea - posted on 02/19/2009

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I usually take what my mom says , what his mom says put it in a "blender" in my brain and then i figure it out myself and and tell them I'm the Mom now and it's my child ....



If it's that bad i'd ask your husband his outlook on it or if he thinks they need to back off maybe he can say something that they would understand ...

[deleted account]

Talk to them and tell them that if they continue not respecting your wishes then they wont be around the children.  I know it is harsh, but what gives them the right to go agaist your wishes?



 

Bernardette - posted on 02/19/2009

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I know when I was married my mother in law made it impossible for me and it tore up my marriage so if you have an inlaw that it impossible let them know straight out what you are all about and if they don't like it let them know you didn't marry them you married their son, I know that sometimes it is hard but I should have stood up more to my mother in law than what I did it was not fair to me the things she did and I would just let it go until she was mostly in control of my life what a mistake that was I was only being nice and trying to be respectful but It got me nowhere but more to the point of really not liking my mother in law and one day I finally exploded and yes it did put an end to my marriage but it was because I should have said something in the beginning and not let things get so bad to the point of me exploding like that I should have told her right up front in the beginning how I felt about all those things but I was trying to keep the peace and like I said it was horrible to live like that for me I was miserable the whole time I ws married, Now that I am divorced and have been for a few years now I am so much happier, I am not saying divorce is the answer either but in my situation it was the only way since I hadn't step forward in the beginning and spoke my mind.

Bernardette - posted on 02/19/2009

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Hi I think you did the right thing girls at that age don't need to be thinking of boys anyway they need to concentrate on their schooling and I know that you both come from different cultures and you must tell her that your culture is differnet than hers and you do things differently and she must respect that because you are the mother, who would let someone run their kids lives like that ?? Not me.. I would make sure that my daughter has a birthday but none of that boy girl boy girl dance stuff goin on in this house!

Danielle - posted on 02/18/2009

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I feel your pain.  I have had the same issue although I do have problems with my parents overstepping their boundries on occasion as well.  My family is easier for me to deal with because...well, I'm not afraid to be blunt with them. With my in-laws we've tried explaining that it's confusing for the kids when grandma & grandpa do things so different from mom & dad.  One of my big issues was that they kept insisting on rocking my son to sleep.  This caused us major issues with bedtime when he was younger but now he's 5 years old and it's just plain ridiculous.  We've resorted to limiting the amount of time that the kids spend alone with granparents when they repeatedly ignore our wishes.  That usually helps temporarily at least...Best of luck!

Isa (Betsy) - posted on 02/17/2009

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Quoting Mindy:



Quoting Isa (Betsy):

My in-laws wanted me to leave when they came in town to visit. They wanted to sleep in my bed. I asked them if that meant sleeping with my husband too. People like that do not deserve to be a part of your family. Make room for them again when they can behave. I make my husband take the kids to see them now! This is MY house!





LMAO this reminds me of my MIL . After I had my son someone would say " Oh he's so cute" my MIL would say " OH YES WE did a good job didnt we " I finally looked at her and said " IM SORRY but the last time I CHECKED IM THe one that slept with my DH NOT YOU why dont you stop taking credit for MY KID "
UGHH
M





That is too funny!  Funny how they don't get it!  My mom does the same thing about my daughter.  If she does something amazing or smart it comes directly from her.  One day I called my mom to tell her about the large booger she worked for about an hour getting it out of her nose!  I then asked my mom if this skill came directly from her?!!! : )

Isa (Betsy) - posted on 02/17/2009

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Quoting Mindy:



Quoting Isa (Betsy):

My in-laws wanted me to leave when they came in town to visit. They wanted to sleep in my bed. I asked them if that meant sleeping with my husband too. People like that do not deserve to be a part of your family. Make room for them again when they can behave. I make my husband take the kids to see them now! This is MY house!





LMAO this reminds me of my MIL . After I had my son someone would say " Oh he's so cute" my MIL would say " OH YES WE did a good job didnt we " I finally looked at her and said " IM SORRY but the last time I CHECKED IM THe one that slept with my DH NOT YOU why dont you stop taking credit for MY KID "
UGHH
M





 

Mindy - posted on 02/17/2009

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Quoting Isa (Betsy):

My in-laws wanted me to leave when they came in town to visit. They wanted to sleep in my bed. I asked them if that meant sleeping with my husband too. People like that do not deserve to be a part of your family. Make room for them again when they can behave. I make my husband take the kids to see them now! This is MY house!


LMAO this reminds me of my MIL . After I had my son someone would say " Oh he's so cute" my MIL would say " OH YES WE did a good job didnt we " I finally looked at her and said " IM SORRY but the last time I CHECKED IM THe one that slept with my DH NOT YOU why dont you stop taking credit for MY KID "
UGHH
M

Mindy - posted on 02/17/2009

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Quoting Shelly:



Okay even though these ladies all have good intentions NO it's not your place to say any thing it is your HUSBANDS.  They are his parents and he needs to set boundies it is hard enough on you and them trying to get use to different ways of parenting you do not need that riff to go along with it.  You and your husband need to decide what boundies need to be set.  B/c if you two are not on the same page it will never work.  I have been on both sides of the fence my foster daughter had to have a talk with me b/c I was being one of those mother-in-laws and I also had the problem with my mother-in-law.  So my husband and I set boundreys and he  took them to his parents.   Please do not do this one on your own...If your husband decides that he doesn't want to confront them then you may need to step in, But until then let your husband be the leader in your home...I will keep you in my prayers





I have to totally agree with Shelly . I had the MIL from hell , My MIL was rude, Crude and had no respect for my children or me . My husband would chose my MIL's side on nearly every issue and she knew it . She was Termninally ill with AIDS when i met him and used it to EVERY advantage she could. The last straw for me dealing with her was I walked into my living room and saw her allowing my toddler to CHEW ON HER HANDS !! He for one was teething she for 2 just put gloves on to handle food becuase she could have had sores on her hands . I grabbed my son told her to get the hell out of my house and told my husband he had BETTER do something about this . From that moment on I never spoke to her about things she said or did again , my husband did.



If you do it its immediatly combative and defense. If your husband does it they will listen !



I hope that helps.
M

Torri - posted on 02/17/2009

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Ok, i've been with my husband now for almost 21 years. I have 4 kids 19yo boy,18yo boy,14yo girl,10yo girl. My mother in law have had it out in soo many ways. She is from a totally different culture. I'm midwest white she is from Mexico. She came from a background of many many different wives tales, some of which worked.



I became pregnant at the age of 17 with her son's baby. I understood where she came from then, i was young and she felt i needed guidance.... but on the other hand I had been raising my own baby brother for the past 5 years before so i knew some things.



Anywho, i've learned to pick and choose your battles and to compromise.

I learned that unless my husband saw or heard what she did he wouldn't do anything.... but he does now and she listens for the most part. Also she listens to my kids, and i've taught them to be verbal without being disrespectful.



My last experience came to a head this past sunday. This summer my daughter will be 15 and my mother in law wanted to have a quincenera.... My daughter and I have been planning her Sweet 16 since she was 5. I tried to explain to my MIL that we weren't catholic and that a quince wasn't neccessary. She blew me off and began planning for the waltz, telling my daughter to pick out 5-7 girls and 5-7 boys to pair up for the dance. My poor daughter was almost in tears cuz this goes against everything we are teaching her. No boy girl boy girl dances till after the sweet 16. My mother in law finally said a couple of weeks ago " have you made up your minds about the dance?" I told her she would need to ask my daughter. I then talked to my daughter and told her to tell her grandmother what she wanted. I told her I'd have her back I'd be there to support her. Sunday my MIL asked what our answer was. My lovely and beautiful 14 year old daughter gently said this " Grandma i love your idea about the waltz but Mom and I really want a sweet 16 and i'd like it if we could put the waltz in then." My MIL then replied "you can have your 16th but i want to do the waltz for your 15." I saw the familiar air of stubborness and stepped in. I told her that Nikki and I had been planning the sweet 16 since Nikki was 5 and that as of now Nikki can't have a dance with boys besides she doesn't even know that many boys. Not to mention it didn't make sense to spend that much money (quince's are expensive) for a 15 and then again for the 16. She huffed out "Whatever!" and turned to leave. I haven't heard from her so i really don't know how upset she really is. Besides the way I see it is she has 2 other granddaughters to throw a quince for.

Tari - posted on 02/17/2009

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I won't quote her again, but I also agree with Shelly. Your HUSBAND needs to talk to his parents, and if there's a problem with yours you need to......he's a parent now, and he needs to be man enough to deal with these issues, or they won't go away, in fact, if he doesn't they will get worse.

I will say that especially not calling you to let you know they were going to be longer with the kids....I would have had a huge problem with that. My husband and I call each other if we're going to be late, I expect my teenagers to call me if they'll be late, and I still call my mom, and my friends if I'm going to be late, it's common courtesy.

On the other hand, my kids are nearly grown, they are the only grandchildren on both sides, and my mother in law has absolutely no interest in them. She has met my 17 year old once, and 19 year old twice. However inconsiderate she is, at least she loves her grandchildren.

Your husband needs to talk to them, and he needs to make a point of not putting it all on you, but of saying "we need to set a few ground rules", "we would appreciate it if you respect our rules". To your in laws, you are probably still kids, but the bottom line is, you are parents now, and it's your decision how you raise your kids.

Sara - posted on 02/17/2009

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I think that sometimes you have to pick your battles with the inlaws. If it is something major like not enforcing any rules and letting them run wild (like mine do!) then you have to discuss it with them but sometimes you have to let the little things slide. They're grandparents, admit it, you're going to want to have the fun of spoiling your grandchildren some, let them have some of that fun also, as long as it isn't detrimental to the child's well being.  I have had to let quite a few things roll off of my back for the sake of peace for my children!

Rachell - posted on 02/17/2009

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I have found that when I spoke up it caused family rifts that caused resentment from my husband.  So the best way I found works is to speak to your husband.  Put it on him.  Tell him if he does not speak to them on behalf of you both (as he must back you), then you will speak to them and you are concerned things will not be taken well.  They are his family afterall and he knows best how to deal with them.  Remind him that he is YOUR husband and it is causing you a lot of stress, whether he agrees with it or not, he needs to back you.

Tami - posted on 02/16/2009

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Grin and bare it - for the most part. The fact that you have the in-laws at all are in this day and age a rare thing. For my sanity, I deal with the fact that my kids have loving supportive grandparents - and my husband and I try our best to enforce our rules. Sometimes, the battles are, in respect, minor to the larger picture of who is right or wrong. Even though, most of the time, I can not stand the way they go against my wishes, I also remember that I chose when they get to visit........if you know what I mean.

Jessica - posted on 02/16/2009

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Their the grand parent let them do whatever than want..... your kids will always be your kids

Della - posted on 02/16/2009

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I have been dealing with this same problem for going on 9 years now. My suggestion to you is to pick your battles...And lay down some boundries. Talk to your MIL play up her strengths as a mother, let her know that you don't want to hurt her feelings. But there are certain things you would like to change, Ask her about her MIL....chances are she was in the same boat you are at one time. Use positive words avoid the negatives.

And if that doesn't work let them know in a not so nice way that You are the Mother to these kids and if they don't Like it they can stay away.....Based on my early experience you'll get the blistfull silent treatment for a while..but they will abide by your wishes. I have had to do both of these, Always try the nice route first. I also have wonderfull friends to VENT too and Believe me I really need them

Heidi - posted on 02/16/2009

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I have had that problem to and to be honest I'm not sure there is an answer. I have tried talking to them, getting my husband to talk to them and trying to ignore it. None of it works. Alot of it seems to be a generation gap, they way they did things is so different to now. If you have a good relationship with them, try and sit them down. Explain that when they do such and such...it makes you feel. Failing that, grab a girlfriend and a bottle of wine and vent??

Janine - posted on 02/16/2009

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hi, i have a mother in law like that, my partner wont do anything about it too, he is a mummies boy at times. how i deal with it is when she takes my kids out for a trip i aske her what time i can expect the kids home so i can organise lunch, dinner ect for them.and a ask her to call if she is going to be late.



i am not rude about it just polite and friendly, even though she can be overbearing and controlling. when she tells me how to raise my kids i just smile and play nice letting her have her say, i tell her that we will consider her ideas ect, this makes her happy even though i have no intention of considering her ideas. i learnt from my first mother in law how to play the game. you can allow them to say things and have their input it makes them feel as though they are still important. but ultimately you will always do what you want anyway. you dont have to cause a rift with your partner or their family.



finding a balance is easy if you allow them to think they arestill important and you value their experiences.  also grandparents dont interfere as much as they get older they realise that you know what you are doing and they let you be. older kids grandmother just tells me that i have done a wonderful job with them and that she is proud of how they have grown to be they are 15 and 14 now. it does get better try these ideas they work for me i play the diplomat and she is happy if i take her ideas on board.

Angela - posted on 02/16/2009

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choose your battles...if it is really important and you feel really strongly, address the issue in a non-confrontational way. If it is something that is easily reversible, just respect them for who they are and let it go. Life is to short to be in constant battle, especially with family.

Vicki - posted on 02/16/2009

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They sound like the type of people who may need some extra love and validation.  Try that and see if it works.  If nothing else, it will strengthen your relationship and build more trust between you.

Jolynn - posted on 02/16/2009

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I think when your inlaws chose to disrespect you, they really have crossed a line. They are not the parents and need to remember than when it comes to your children, you are the parent first. Sometimes you have to be brave enough for your children to stand up to them and set some boundaries and limits about what is acceptable and what is not. I know it is hard to do that with your inlaw. I'm Southern and was brought up to not talk to adults in a disrespectful manner, so it would really be hard for me to stand up to my in laws, but if it were necessary, I would have to do it too. You can always take a nice approach and explain to them, this is the way we do things with our kids and we would appreciate it if you would cooperate. If you can't, we would appreciate it if you don't interfere. I hope this helped at all. I understand the situation you are in is difficult and hard to know how to handle tactfully.

Marcelle - posted on 02/16/2009

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makes me grateful that i really have lovely in laws..its been years now..almost 8..and i had normal simple probs with my in law,but i always told her what i feel about it..and she did respect it,sometimes she havent even lked the idea,but months after she told me well was the right choise u di..cos she saw its my way of educating my kids and it works out for me that way:)

Rena - posted on 02/16/2009

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I am going through this same thing with my inlaws also. It has been going on for over 5 years now! I can tell you that some of it has gotten much better but only through many many confrontations and arguments! Now it's mainly things that she feeds my children when they are with her and my father in law screaming at my children! I do not scream at my kids therefore NOBODY should! If ur mil is anything like mine she will turn on the waterworks like you are attacking her and then make you out to be the evil villain! I would say let your husband deal with it but I have learned that the only way anything get s done is if I take care of it! They have learned to listen to me or they wont be seeing my children!

MadaLitso - posted on 02/16/2009

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Ignore them!! and keep away from them. You raise the kids the way you and your husband want to raise the kids.

Rachel - posted on 02/16/2009

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Hey Melissa, This one is hard as both you and your partner were raised very differently because everybody parents in different ways. My hubby and i had a lot of arguments over the way he was trying to raise our kids as i did not believe that the way he was raised was right because his parents played favourites with their children and i never had that with my family so i felt it was wrong and i still do. So my hubby and i had to come to an understanding of how we were going to raise our children and when we had we told both sets of parents that this was the way we were gunna raise our kids and if they did'nt like it that was their problem and not ours but we would not sit back and let them undermind us when it came to our kids. If you and your partner are united in the way that you both want to raise your kids then just tell your in-laws that this is the way it is and if they dont like then they have to deal with it because you are the one that has them everyday not them. I hope this helps as it helped me to deal with a very similar problem.

Marcelle - posted on 02/16/2009

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u have to let them know from the start that you apreciate their concern,but u think its ur responsibility and obligation to do what ever you feel is right for ur kids,and that they have to respect that..or if not u have to be strong and hold on babes,but i can tell you it wil go worse and will have no turnback in the end,the best and first option is sit down and speak about it..Comunication is a vey good thing:)Wish you luck..

Emily - posted on 02/16/2009

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I deal with this all the time! In my case, my husband i 25 and I am 22, so their excuse is that we are "too young" and do not know what we are doing. It drives me absolutely crazy but we have found that if my husbands talks to his parents, and I talk to mine, things go over more smoothly. He handles most situations with my in-laws and things seem to get handled pretty well. Maybe you can try that!

Angie - posted on 02/16/2009

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Quoting Crista:



Quoting Shelly:




Okay even though these ladies all have good intentions NO it's not your place to say any thing it is your HUSBANDS.  They are his parents and he needs to set boundies it is hard enough on you and them trying to get use to different ways of parenting you do not need that riff to go along with it.  You and your husband need to decide what boundies need to be set.  B/c if you two are not on the same page it will never work.  I have been on both sides of the fence my foster daughter had to have a talk with me b/c I was being one of those mother-in-laws and I also had the problem with my mother-in-law.  So my husband and I set boundreys and he  took them to his parents.   Please do not do this one on your own...If your husband decides that he doesn't want to confront them then you may need to step in, But until then let your husband be the leader in your home...I will keep you in my prayers










This is great advice!!  I too have problems at times with my in-laws not seeing eye to eye, but it always seems to go over much better if my husband is the one to say something.  They are HIS parents after all.  It seems like they are less offended by it if he is the one to talk.  I've only been a part of the family for 5 years, so they are still getting to know me in some ways and I don't want to hurt them or make them think they aren't "good enough".






I agree with this advice.  You will only cause family strife if you choose to say anything to your inlaws.  Stop for a mintue and think about how you would like it if your husband said anything to your parents.  Be respectful, they did raise the man who is your husband so they must have good ideas about raising children.  Leave it to your husband to deal with, it's really not your place to say anything.

Shelly - posted on 02/16/2009

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Quoting Kate:



Wow this is a loaded topic. My husband and I both have tried talking with his mother and she viewed it as being disrespectful. I guess according to her we're just supposed to roll over and not be a human being with feelings and opinions. She is always right no matter what. I married her only son and she made sure that I never had a bridal or a baby shower. For me it wasn't the presnts that I was going to get it was the women from both sides coming together to celebrate a marriage and a child, but no why should I have that if things wer'nt done her way then nobody gets to be happy, and yet she bends over backwards for non family, figure that out.





Kate,



  If you gave your mother-in-law that much power over your bridal/baby shower then shame on you.  She is not the only woman in your life and if she did not want to attend then what a loss for her, but for you to allow her to stop the entire affair then thats on you not her...You are giving this woman WAY to much POWER over your life...And as for your husband to allow that kind of behavior from his mother towards you is shameful!!!  You two need to get together as partners in your marriage and lay down some boundries and if she chooses not to abided by them then you nees to walk away...I had to do that with MYmother and I have not spoken to her in almost 4 yrs. 

Michele - posted on 02/16/2009

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You should not have to say anything. Your husband needs to set them in their place. He needs to tell them they had their chance raising their kids but unless they are asked for advice, they need to just mind their own business. If you say something to them, they will just get mad at you and it will make things worse. It is definately your husband's job to let them know.

[deleted account]

i have the same problem - so i understand. growing up, i always respected people older than me so i would always just keep it to myself. but eventually i couldn't take it any longer & asked my husband had to speak with them. & so far, so good. you just have to let them understand that you will raise your kids the way you want to, despite what they think. people have their own opinions to every situation. good luck with everything!!!

Kerry - posted on 02/16/2009

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I always had my boyfriend deal withhis parents. I did not want to be blunt and cause any riffs between us. So I would tell him and he would say something. He did not say Kerry wants you to. He would just say you can not blah blah blah. That is not how Kerry and I want them to be raised. And My boyfriends sister would talk to her as well. SHe would just say that is not you son; you can not do what you want.If you do not have anyone on that side of the family that will talk in your defense you wil have to say it yourself. I would say something like Please do nto blah blah. We have talked about how we want to go about blah blah blah and we want to blah blah blah.

Tara - posted on 02/16/2009

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I can totally relate...It's up to your partner to step in. He needs to  talk to them and show that he is behind you 100% and that they should respect you and your decisions as the mother of their grand children. Easier said than done, I know. Stand your ground.

Kate - posted on 02/16/2009

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Wow this is a loaded topic. My husband and I both have tried talking with his mother and she viewed it as being disrespectful. I guess according to her we're just supposed to roll over and not be a human being with feelings and opinions. She is always right no matter what. I married her only son and she made sure that I never had a bridal or a baby shower. For me it wasn't the presnts that I was going to get it was the women from both sides coming together to celebrate a marriage and a child, but no why should I have that if things wer'nt done her way then nobody gets to be happy, and yet she bends over backwards for non family, figure that out.

Sarra - posted on 02/16/2009

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I had the exact same problem, and found that my husband ( although he agreed with what I was saying when i cried on his shoulder after his parents left ), I found that my hubby couldn't / wouldn't say anything to them, so I found myself in a predicament where I either had to put up with it and shut up, or stand up and say something! So being as polite, but as honest as possible, I had to say my piece. At the end of the day, your children / child should come first, regardless of anything or anybody else! . . . .Good Luck with everything, I hope it works out for you!

Stacey - posted on 02/16/2009

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Tell them.  After all it's your child and they should respect your boundaries and choices.  Might be best to do it when they kids aren't around so they don't sense an atmosphere.  Try not to be horrible, turn it on yourself if anything, something like 'it hurts me when you do this' and not accusing cos they'll immediately get defensive like in laws do!!



Hope it resolves xxxx

Louise - posted on 02/16/2009

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The in law scoop! :P Gosh they can be painfull... Mine said she loves my son more than she loved her own! Thats when I put some distance between my son and her and tried to build boundries. She doesnt listen to me either. Tried to be direct even a little rude, but she seems to not get the picture.... Just keep standing your ground, when it comes to your kids, you know best!

Stacey - posted on 02/16/2009

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wheres your husband in all this you should come first and he should say something to his parents, if hes not putting you first then good luck

Shupaula - posted on 02/15/2009

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As a mom and a grandmother, I'm on both sides of the situation.



From the granny side, one thing you can try is just listen to what they are saying, than you say "Thanks for the advice, and if my way or rules don't work, then and only then, I will try yours" .



From the mom side, you could say " Well since this is my child I will raise them the best way I know how and you can either support me in my decisions or not be a part of their life".



Or, if things are really baaaad, you just look at em and say " ok look here, this is my child and my family and you can either BACK OFF or stay away".



Just for the record....I have super in-laws that I love very much. My mother-in-law has never went against what I have done with my children. It was my mom that kept telling me what I was doing wrong and she even does it now that I have grandchildren.



Cynthia - posted on 02/15/2009

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Well... Its not my inlaws, its my own mother!!!! All I can say is don't beat around the bush in telling them how you feel. Say it straight out what it is they are interfering with and how you want things to be. You are the mother!!! With my mum, I was so scared of hurting her feelings that we have now had a year long argument where I am now putting my foot down and telling her to butt out. Unfortunalty we are not speaking, one of many times, but her stress is so great on me, I told her i dont want to see her anymore. I always believe if I had told her from the start where i wanted her to fit in, we would have dealt with the problem then, and we would be best friends now. (It has got so bad between us she did nothing but turn up for my wedding!!!!) I have just had my inlaws up for a week. (Who I am lucky with as they realise they are there to play with my boy, and I do the rest) As long as you go about your normal daily activites and include them to join, they will learn where they sit. Be strong. One week of arguing surley beats a whole year!!!!!! And the loss of a mother.

Rachel - posted on 02/15/2009

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I have not read your other reply's...I have been married going on seven years. I have a 6 year old...and a 4 month old. In-laws do not change. You have to decide to be the bigger person...in most cases for your husband's sake (but def. get him on your side and make sure you point out what he probably did not catch but you so obviusly did - men tend to ignore the obvious). I drink a glass or two of wine before seeing my mother in law...that is the only advice I have to offer. Over time it will work itself out and your spouse will feel your pain and step in - it took a good 5 years for me to stomach our visits (and I still have the wine handy). Sorry not to offer any other helpful or hopeful hints :(

Sarah - posted on 02/14/2009

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My in-laws are the same way they have even gone as far as to put pictures of my husband and his ex around the house! (I was the first girlfriend my MIL has ever had tell her we are doing tings my way for any of her 3 sons.) At first I would always be the person that said no we are't doing that but now that hubby has noticed he also steps in, however, after this past Christmas at the in-laws we have decided that if his mom wants to see our children she will do it in our house under our roof with our rules until she can respect me & our family. It may seem harsh but until your in laws can treat you like an adult and with the respect you DESERVE it is the best (in my case) solution.



It has really gotten her attention as well! :)

Isa (Betsy) - posted on 02/14/2009

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My in-laws wanted me to leave when they came in town to visit. They wanted to sleep in my bed. I asked them if that meant sleeping with my husband too. People like that do not deserve to be a part of your family. Make room for them again when they can behave. I make my husband take the kids to see them now! This is MY house!

Crista - posted on 02/14/2009

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Quoting Shelly:



Okay even though these ladies all have good intentions NO it's not your place to say any thing it is your HUSBANDS.  They are his parents and he needs to set boundies it is hard enough on you and them trying to get use to different ways of parenting you do not need that riff to go along with it.  You and your husband need to decide what boundies need to be set.  B/c if you two are not on the same page it will never work.  I have been on both sides of the fence my foster daughter had to have a talk with me b/c I was being one of those mother-in-laws and I also had the problem with my mother-in-law.  So my husband and I set boundreys and he  took them to his parents.   Please do not do this one on your own...If your husband decides that he doesn't want to confront them then you may need to step in, But until then let your husband be the leader in your home...I will keep you in my prayers






This is great advice!!  I too have problems at times with my in-laws not seeing eye to eye, but it always seems to go over much better if my husband is the one to say something.  They are HIS parents after all.  It seems like they are less offended by it if he is the one to talk.  I've only been a part of the family for 5 years, so they are still getting to know me in some ways and I don't want to hurt them or make them think they aren't "good enough".

Amie - posted on 02/14/2009

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I agree with pretty must everything people of written. You need to tell them straight. but I do beleive 1st you need to make sure your hubby is gonna back you up. You and him BOTH need to talk to them. You BOTH need to let them know that you guys are there parents, and it's time they respect that, and if they can't you BOTH need to put your foot down. you need to tell them what the rules are, and if they break the rules, then they won't be trusted with the kids. Thats just my opinion. Good luck, hope it all works out for ya.

Julie - posted on 02/14/2009

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you need to tell them straight that you are the mother and if you need help then you will ask for it, my mom tried to tell me i had to tell her to butt out im the mother not her, it seemed to work.

Michele - posted on 02/14/2009

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i don't have inlaws but i have parents.....i had to be a little aggresive to get the point through. even with my sister (the one with no kids). i had to tell them that i did not like what they were doing...my sister i had to tell  her that if she didn't stop (waking him up at 11pm, giving him ice cream at 10, things like that) what she was doing then she wouldn't be able to see him at her place. my parents too. my son needs structure and letting him run around doing whaever he wanted was not what he needs. they now understand and everything is fine.

Nicole - posted on 02/14/2009

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Quoting Shelly:



Okay even though these ladies all have good intentions NO it's not your place to say any thing it is your HUSBANDS.  They are his parents and he needs to set boundies it is hard enough on you and them trying to get use to different ways of parenting you do not need that riff to go along with it.  You and your husband need to decide what boundies need to be set.  B/c if you two are not on the same page it will never work.  I have been on both sides of the fence my foster daughter had to have a talk with me b/c I was being one of those mother-in-laws and I also had the problem with my mother-in-law.  So my husband and I set boundreys and he  took them to his parents.   Please do not do this one on your own...If your husband decides that he doesn't want to confront them then you may need to step in, But until then let your husband be the leader in your home...I will keep you in my prayers






Totally agree with this!!!  It is his place to deal with HIS family.  If it were yours, you would deal with them.  If he is not willing to handle the issue, then you have to be honest with him and make it very clear that he has to be the one to talk to them.  Let him know that if you deal with the issue, it is more likely to cause conflict, hurt feelings and bitter remarks.  While if he approaches it, those things are less likely to happen (as long as he doesn't throw you under the bus, it should always be "we feel", "we think", etc.)  This is really an issue between you and your husband and you both need to agree on what to do.

Melissa - posted on 02/14/2009

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I understand that it is the role of a grandparent to spoil and let them do things that we don't. And I don't want to take all of that away from them. Today for instance, they left for the park around 11:00 and I was under the impression they would be home for lunch. They did not get back until after 3:00. I feel like they could have at least had the decency to call us or something. And while I don't mind them spending their own time with the girls (I have three and a half year old twins) it is not their place to just disappear with my kids and return when they want to. My husband just doesn't want to have the confrontation with them. But I am at the point that if they have can't show me some basic respect, it is becoming very difficult for me to have any respect for them. This is obviously not a new issue for us.

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