How do you deal with step children that are disrespectful and dont listen?

Ebere - posted on 04/26/2011

Hi Amberly, I know you guys do things differently than we do over here, but I have a stepson, who tried initially to be rude and all.. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it so I didn't even give him the chance. I sat him down and very sternly warned him. Told him it was my home and he would play by my rules..the first time he broke my rule, I took away something he liked vey much and gave those kind of punishments..right now, anyone watching us would think I'm his biological mum

Charece - posted on 04/26/2011

I have a stepson. I took my issue to my husband and he talked to both of us face to face. He is now 22yrs old and that was the only time he disrespected me. Now he texts me all the time.

Susan - posted on 04/26/2011

I am a very impatient adult, and I deplore disrespectful people, kids and adults. I don't know how old this girl is, but her behavior sounds typical of most step children toward the step parent. She must feel pretty disenfranchised, having to share one of her parents. I am guessing no one asked her how she felt about getting a stepmom. Try imagining yourself in her shoes, and have a really honest, but non-angry (on your part) conversation with her. Kids respect honesty, even if you tell her something unpleasant ( like, she makes you not trust her when you find food in her room ). And let her be honest with you. Process what she tells you. Try to help her understand that unpleasant as seems, sometimes, there are rules, and parents get to make the rules because they are parents. And the rules exist for the purpose of making life run as comfortably, smoothly, efficiently and affordably as possible. Tell her it is all about function And if you can function like a family, eventually you can possibly love like a family. But manage your expectations and hers. Every time I have wanted to strangle one of my daughters, I have had to remind myself, "I am the adult here. Act like it." And occasionally, during one of our infamous power struggles, I manage to HEAR how they feel, and adjust my response and dial down my anger, because they are kids, and kids have feelings, too.

Donna - posted on 04/26/2011

I think the term discipline should be used not punishment

Melissa - posted on 04/26/2011

Amberly, There is a lot of good advise thereand yes it takes a while to change over, but you also need to remember she has had her dad all to herself for 9 years now, you are the one stealing daddy from her and the only way a 9 year old can deal with it is to steal back something from you such as the food. Most areas have a program called parents as teachers, they come into the hoe and give you ideas as to how to deal with children like her, I don't know the age cap for the program but trying to find a program like this might help some.

I noticed no one asked if any of you go to church, it might be a good area to also look, having a good church to go to with a good Bible teaching minister can be a plus, you can build up a support system with in the church as well and this may help with other things that will come up as all the kids grow up.

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2011

IT will be a difficult transition for both of you. I have been on both ends of the new family thing. I have 4 daughters 20,16,3 1/2, and 2. I have been a step mom and my husband now is a step dad to my oldest two. I suggest talking with her and a lot. discuss the good with the bad, equally. have one on one time with all the children. stand together with dad and make that bond very clear. when she does bad, you and dad deal with it and discuss it together with her. and with out the other children in ear range. Tell her how you feel when she acts out. comment on her in fron of everyone when she is being good. I dint know about the counseling thing just yet, but possibly down the road. Just make her realize you are ther for her . set rules and boundaries and be strict on the if you do this, I will do this (punishment). and have you asked her why she doese what she does?

Donna - posted on 04/26/2011

how old is she? I would just continue to set boundries with her about the disrespect. Give her time out no more than a couple of minutes. As for the food concern- she may have an eating disorder as I had a child who was not mine whom I had guardian of-he would do this. When I found food missing at first, I thought maybe a babysitter had used it or stolen it, then I discovered opened and unopened cans of food undder his bed hidden. I did get him some help -he was about 8 yrs old and I was told he had an eating disorder. It may be she is afraid she won't be fed if she is not fed regular meals at home or possibly she is not gettting enough to eat or protein is not in much of her diet. If the other parent does not have much money she could be deprived food or certain foods. There could be a lot of reasons for her stealing food, but just reassure her if she gets hungry she can always ask for more from you and that you just don't want her to take the food without you knowing it.You could leave a litttle basket of healthy snacks out on the counter or table and welcome her to help herself if needed, She also may do this stealing for attention so if you can tell her you care about her and love her this may work -however do not lie to her (i.e,. if you don;t really like her don;t tell her this last info as she will probably know you don't and she will not trust you. good luck.

Dana - posted on 04/26/2011

To begin with steeling food could be a sign of not having her physical needs met at her other home! You have to love her to the point that she is willing to share with you about what is really going on! These are classic signs of reaching out for help!!!!
I am a counselor!

Sonnya - posted on 04/26/2011

I really feel for you in this situation, and it's great that you are really trying to make headway and get input into the situation. Do you know that children have a major turning point in their lives, emotionally, at 9? Sometimes we are not aware of what is going on in them. At 9 they are going through the first pre-puberty stages- not necessarily physically, but emotionally. They are starting to realize that they are not a part of their parents, they start to experience themselves as their own people, separate, and the world feels overwhelming. Mom and Dad can't read my thoughts, noone else is really inside me. Possibly the food hiding could stem from something as simple as a trying to come to terms with that. I don't know where to point you for research at this moment, but in my kid's school they call what happens at this age 'crossing the rubicon', and I am sure it is documented...
The way you will make any progress in this is by loving her- doing what you are doing out of love- discipline, and all the agonizing! Good luck!

Amberly - posted on 04/26/2011

Her eating in her room is a problem because it will cause bugs. She was very unhygienic when I moved in, brushing hair/taking baths.. etc. None of my children are allowed to eat in their rooms. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to eat in my room, I understand now why that was a rule, and I agree with my parents 100 percent on that one..

Leanna - posted on 04/26/2011

You and I have so much in common! My stepdaughter was the same way! With her mom in prison, I gladly took over as her mom at the young age of 4. What I didn't know is that it would drain me emotionaly as well as my marriage. Despite me loving her like my own and going out of my way for her, I also dealt with the sneaking food, lying, gossiping, the jealousy of her father and me, and eventually stealing my stuff and even wearing my underwear! It got worse and eventually (for the sake of my marriage and the other kids) she had to go live with her grandmother at 13. My best advice to you would be to step back and let her father be the discaplinarian. He needs to be the one to ground her, take privelages away or whatever it takes, AND stick to it! Like yours, my husband also backed me 100%, but never asserted the discapline, so I took over, and I think that made her resent me even more. Eventually, my husband sort of just remained on the fence, letting us butt heads without ever taking a side which made matters worse as time went on. We also did the counseling thing, but like your daughter, she played the sweet and innocent part to everyone except me. Looking back I would have made her father be the bad guy instead of me doing it. I do think she would have respected me more, while learning that her father is the one who won't put up with her behavior. This is a big battle your taking on and I do wish you luck! If this doesn't work, I do advise you to move on. Because eventually you'll spend all your time and energy dealing with the 'bad seed' while your kids good behavior goes unnoticed. Trust me, they will resent you for that! Not only that, my kids started picking up all her bad habits and my house turned into chaos! Now that she's gone, my house is ver peaceful, but I'm still dealing with my husbands guilt over having her leave and everyone feeling sorry for her. Not only that my husband's family totally alienated me and my kids. Looking back I would have left before having kids together and investing so much time and energy into it. Because it'll never go away, and sometimes as she's gets older, it get worse. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but take it from someone who's been there, done that and DOESNT want the Tshirt! lol

Ruth - posted on 04/26/2011

This could be a make it or break it for your relationship/marriage. Her father needs to take an active and vocal role. Make sure it is he who sets the expectations to his daughter and you are supporting him. Not the other way around otherwise you will be the evil stepmother forever after and that is no way to make a family work. If there is any disagreement between how to go about the disciplining her, seriously consider moving on. Talk it over with your fiance and make sure you both agree to how you want to raise children. You need to treat her as you would your own flesh and blood with lost of kindness but clearly set rules. Children no matter how young or old need to be given clearly set expectations. You show them respect when you don't expect them to read your mind. Good luck. P.S. Children don't "steal food" from their own homes. They may hide it or take it without asking but work on your wording as well, otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure in having at the very least a working relationship with her.

JoAnne - posted on 04/26/2011

I've read some, not all the replies but I will speak from my experience and life lessons as a step mother of a 17 year old daughter that we have had custody of since she was 4. Initially it was hard but as long as you keep your focus clear and steady things will fall into place. I disagree with the advice that the bio parent should be the disciplinary figure also. You are all equal parents and most remain consistent. There is no reason why the child should see you as any less of a parent and the child is living under your roof too. Whereas you are not dealing with visitations to the bio mom it should be clear to the child that you are her mother figure. But you did say that you and your husband are on the same page so as long as you back each other that should all fall in place eventually. Giving in is what keeps things reoccurring. When my step daughter was young she would try to play the card of going to whichever parents home that she was getting her way with. If she wasn’t getting her way she’s want to call her mom and then we’d end up bringing her there. Once we said no, you can call your mom after you calm down or after a time out and no that she wasn’t going to her moms until her planned time it didn’t take long for her to realize we were all on the same page, especially when she would continue being grounded from one house into the next. Also we never bad mouthed her mom in front of her and when we got custody we didn’t bother going for child support in order to keep peace. I love and treat my step daughter as if she was my own because she is. But I think you have this mind set already. If I was in your situation I would take the junk food out of the house, talk to her about it and why you’re doing it because giving her the same respect you would like speak volumes to her. Explain to her why lying is so hurtful and unproductive and that she will be rewarded with the sweets when she does something good or proves she is beyond the lying. Let her know she is better than that and she doesn’t need to act like that to get what she wants. I have found with both my children, step and bio that the more honest, calm and straight forward with them that I am the better the results. Don’t let the drama take control of the situation, once it becomes dramatic walk away. We call it not feeding the drama llama. As a child from a slightly messed up home, foster homes and a way to early start on adulthood I don’t have much use for counseling, maybe it works for some but I think trying to be as straightforward and respectful as you can be to a child you will get the same in return, eventually, not instantly. Good luck, I am sure you’ll be fine because if you didn’t care you wouldn’t have asked for help to begin with.

Gretta - posted on 04/26/2011

i have a step mother and i love her to death i call her mom i neaver sa y step mom and she neaver in her life from day one she has said these are my kids neaver once said step , if she is stealing food something is teribly wrong at home try opening up a conversation if she is disrespectfull try finding uot what she lihes to do enroll her in some classes like music dance to open up a dialague but i find most step mother lie and make a tiny mis hap into a big one i have neaver experienced it but i saw first hand from other friends , let her father sit down a see what is going on u stay neutral, you have set the stage buy calling her your step daughter so unset it she is your child and get her the help she needs as your biological daughter i love both my mommy and my mom

Vickie - posted on 04/26/2011

What age is your soon to be step-daughter? Sometimes young children will hide food in their rooms because they were punished at some time, by not being allowed to eat. They have a fear of starving. Does she live with you full time or part time? When you say STEALS food. Is she not being treated equally when it comes to food? Her father needs to intervein, when her attitude towards you is disrespectful. Rules need to be established & followed. Be consistent. Being a step- parent is hard work, treat her as your very own, give her lots of love & compassion. But be a parent, not her best friend....

Patti - posted on 04/26/2011

Kelly that is one of the most beautiful testements to parenting I have ever read! It's a difficult but beautiful thing you are doing. Just giving birth does not make a "Mom" it's the love, patience and care that goes into raising a child. I have been both, a child with a mom and stepmom and then grew up to be a stepmom and Mom. Of course now being Gramma is the ultimate reward!

Kelly - posted on 04/26/2011

wanted to add one more thing-
I do not believe in leaving the discipline to the father, especially when birth mom is out of the picture.
How will she ever respect you and your wishes if you are always refering to her dad? blah!
You and your husband just need to try and stay on the same page. I'm the tough one in the house. One of my girlfriends told me that daddys are supposed to spoil, and mommys do all the real work. I sometimes find this to be true, hate it, but true :)

Kelly - posted on 04/26/2011

Sounds very familiar! I came into my daughter's life when she was 7, and her twin brother and sister were 3. Their mom is also an addict who has had very little contact for many years. The twins never really had any problems with me, but my oldest is a completely different story (screaming, kicking, biting, all that fun stuff) Now being 15, my daughter has been able to admit that she felt threatened by me. She didn't want to share her Daddy under any circumstances. She felt if she loved me, it was a betrayal to her real mom (whether they had a relationship or not). My daughter thought if she was "bad enough", that I would eventually give up and leave. Her Daddy had been the only true stability and consistency in her life.

Here's what I did: I have never referred to my daughter as "step". If I am raising her and loving her, then I am her mother.
Definitely try counseling for everybody (you, dad, child). Had the same issues with my daughter telling the counselor what she wanted to hear, but at least she was talking to someone. Eventually, two years later, we started to make some real progress. Yes, time consuming, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
I constantly reminded my daughter that I wasn't here to take her daddy away. I wanted the honor of joining their small family. I didn't just choose her daddy, I also chose her as my daughter. Choice is powerful because at any time, you can walk away, but you CHOOSE to stay no matter how angry and frustrated she makes you. That reinforces that you are her mother through thick and thin.

Remeber, your daughter is nine and pre-teen is getting younger. She is not only dealing with new family issues, but also with all the emotional and physical changes of adolescence. Some of what you are going through is normal push back with growing up. Now that my twins are 10 almost 11, I recognize some of the same behavior big sis had. Mostly, the defiance-no longer wanting to follow rules, etc. What happened to those obedient little faces who just wanted to please? Stay in control. Rules are rules whether their 1, 4, or 9 years old.

Lastly, resentment is not an option. Yes, she can dress herself, feed herself, talk, and do the basics, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need you and her father. She sees the time and energy you put in with your younger children and is probably envious. If she has never had her Mom, then she's probably had very little mommy time. Be patient. If you love her, show it- hug her every night (even if she pushes you away), kiss her every night, tell her you love her as much as possible (whether she returns the sentiment or not). You show her what it is to have a mother and be loved by a mother.
I tell my children often how thankful I am that we are a family. I have four children, but only gave birth to one, (she's 2). Everyone told me I would feel different after having a baby, but no, I don't. I love all my children, whether I gave birth to them or not, and I can't wait to see who they grow up to be.
This adventure is what you make it. Make it great!

Gwen - posted on 04/26/2011

Her father needs to handle this. It is his responsibility to set clear rules and boundaries for his daughter. If she is acting disrespectfully toward you, he needs to back you up and let his daughter know that her behavior is not acceptable. On the other hand, she did not ask for all of these changes in her life. The adults in her life have made choices that put her in the middle and taken away her sense of stability. Be patient and let her know that you care. It will probably take a long time for you to earn her respect.

Patti - posted on 04/26/2011

ok so she isn't allowed to eat at your house? Maybe she doesn't get enough to eat? How old is she? If she is past the age of 10 the most you can hope for is to be her friend for now. She will be his daughter forever so you want to figure things out now and not expect her to take 2nd place, you will all lose.

Yvonne - posted on 04/26/2011

Amberly, I am sorry for what you have to go through. I married my husband 11 years ago. At that time he had 2 children and a x wife. I didnt have kids at that time (we now how a 7 year old son together).

The first thing I did was to became friends with the x (which I know you cant) and found common ground with the kids.

May sound silly and you may be doing this, but be sure you treat her as your own. Hold her, hug her and love her like you gave birth to her. Have picture up of all of them.

I love my "step" children as if they were my own. Honestly, I wish they were. I make sure to have just as many pictures of them around as I do their now brother. I dont want them to feel any less special. You really cant think of it as not being fair to "your" kids as she is now your kid. If you are seeing it like that then you are really not letting her in as one of yours.

I come form a divorced family as well with step moms and all. This is why I go out of my way to show my "step" children how much I love them too and how perfect they fit into our lives. I was always able to tell that my fathers wives saw me as competition to "their" children. She may see it too.

I am not saying your a bad parent or person, I know it is hard. But you really have to ask yourself if you are treating her the same.

Good luck. Remember, lots of hugs and saying you love her. Do this to them all equily and give it time.

Also, the hidding food is an issue. It is a cry for help. She feels like she has no control or power. Have her help you with some rules and punishments. Try asking her what she would do. It may help.

Pamela - posted on 04/26/2011

I raised 2 step children and your problem is a common one.You need to set down with your husband and talk with him away from the child.It is clear she has some issues that may need to be addressed by a counselor and maybe some family therapy.Stealing food may also be a sign of an eating disorder and should also be addressed.Family counseling is important to address hostile issues and there is no shame in it.It is important to the health of your family.If your husband does not agree you may want to try counseling on your own.Clearly there are issues that need more than amatures can provide.

Wanda - posted on 04/26/2011

Amberly I am going to take a different approach here. Instead of trying to fix her, work on fixing your responses to her. The words in your post speak volumes to me. It sounds to me like family therapy is needed not just therapy for her. I would strongly recommend studying ABA to help with shaping your "daughters" behavior (please drop the step thing, this will keep her at a distance forever, not only in her mind but yours as well). Try reading a book by Karen Pryor called "Don't Shoot the Dog". It is all about shaping behavior. Please look into materials on becoming a blended family. The more you focus on what she is doing wrong, the less you will see she does right. Force yourself to give five compliments about her and to her for every negative. This will help you and her both. Also note that some of her behavior is typical of a nine year old. Your children have not reached this age yet, so it is shocking to you, our own children ease us into this stage but you jumped right into it. Your child is also at the age to start some of this behavior do not blame it on her. Your child has a mind of its own and will make their own choices. Imagine if every time your sister messed up your parents blamed you. You would become very angry and behave worse. Hold each child accountable for their own behavior, not blaming someone else for it.

Barb - posted on 04/26/2011

oh, one other thing that helped my step children and i bond. I would be their lawyer when they got into trouble with their dad. Like when Bob got into a car accident that was his fault. My husband was ready to kill him and i protected and and diffused the situation by no one was hurt and that is what we have insurance for, blah blah blah.

Don't know if this will come in handy in your situation, if you ever think her dad is being too harsh on her, don't undermind him in front of her, but you know, play lawyer, come to her defense.

If she wants to watch a show and Dad has something on TV the two of you come together to get him to change it to what she wants to watch. stuff like that even.

Barb - posted on 04/26/2011

I see how you worry about your other kids not getting attention because she is getting all the attention. But your kids are seeing what is going on and they are learning lessons by how you handle the situation with her.
When Bob and Deb came to live with us, my son was 8 or 9. and i recall catching Bob in a lie (chuckling, recalling this) Jr sat down next to Bob who was, i think 19 at the time, held his big old hand with his little tiny one and said "just tell her the truth, it'll be alright, and she's gonna find out anyway, she always does"

So the kids learn from eachother. Just like your son is picking up bad habits from her, she can pick up good habits from him.

Unfortunately, kids don't often get it the first time you tell them something, you have to do it again and again and again etc. then one day it will just "CLICK!" and they will make the choice to stop it.

Therapy won't hurt anything, family therapy is a great idea and include your own kids since they are part of the family. But don't make this all about her, she's a 9 year old, you guys are the parents.

My husband, my son's stepfather, always told my son he would never try to be his dad, he has a dad, but would rather play a role like a coach, or a mentor in his life.

I read the bad stuff about her mom, and that is so sad for her, she must be angry and confused about that right now. Perhaps she needs a mentor or a coach to help sort it out.

Debbie - posted on 04/26/2011

Sounds like emotional issues to me as well. Typically when kids that young hoard food its because the parents have forbidden snacks and "fun foods". This does not seem to be the case here. How long has she been away from her mom? Was she close to her mom? Doesn't matter what mom did/does, to the child it's still her mother. Especially if mom tells her how much she wants to see her but is forbidden to by her dad (even with court order - dad initiated it). Children don't understand adult problems, all they know is someone they love isn't allowed to see them. Personally, I'd allow visits to your home or a grandparent's home with someone else around. Then if mom fails to show up or shows up under the influence, the girl will eventually figure it out on her own. We had a situation like this with someone close to us and it worked without the child having to resent one parent for not permitting the other visitation. The child figured it out by age 12 that she no longer wanted to see her dad and why.
As far as being a "step, as a "step" myself....the best thing you can do is always treat her like your own - never call her a "step"....never say "you aren't mine". My dad never did that to me or my brother - we have always felt we were his and he has never mentioned to anyone that we are not. Even at my age, people tell us I look like him and he just says thank you and grins.

Kate - posted on 04/26/2011

It will never be "fair" to your own kids. Unfortunately. I helped raise my 2 stepdaughters, both of whom snuck things and lied and unfortunately I could never get a handle on it. My only wY to cope was prescription antianxiety medication and lots of prayer until they both became adults and moved out. Sorry. Just wasnt a pleasant experience for me. I hope yours gets better.

Jodi - posted on 04/26/2011

"Since she is needing more attention than I give my own kids, that isn't fair to them."

Amberly, I picked up on the above comments, and I am going to pose a question for you to think about.

Let's say she WAS your biological daughter. Let's say that as your biological daughter she had some problems (maybe autism? ADD? Any number of issues it could be, we don't need to put a name to it) that took up a LOT of your time and energy, but your other children did not. Would you still ask this same question? Whether it was fair to your other children that you had to invest so much time/energy into your other biological child? Or is this ONLY a question (whether it is fair to your children) because she is your step-daughter? Would you give up on your own child?

Louise - posted on 04/26/2011

Get a divorce opps maybe that is the wine talking :) but seriously maybe family counseling is the best option

Sneaky - posted on 04/26/2011

I don't think anyone else has suggested this - you could try family counseling (all three of you together), that gives her the chance to say things to both you and her dad instead of just her feeling like she is 'broken' and is being 'fixed' by sending just her to see a counselor. If you want the family to work, you all have to work in it together.Good luck!

Maria Aurora - posted on 04/25/2011

Discover her favorite hang-out.Set a date w her.Talk to her since she is your soon to be step daughter. She might be doing those nasty things caused by jealousy, insecurity, etc. Express to her your feelings toward his dad and assure her you'll love and care for her.Pray for her to change...

Shauna - posted on 04/25/2011

On the discipline Dr. Phil may say that the bio parent needs to be the only one, but I disagree, I've had a step-daughter for 8 years now, at first I had alot of the same problems. Her father and I both discipline her; Now she really looks up to me and comes to me about alot of things (she's 13, almost 14 now). So I feel that you both need to discipline her, and find what works best for you all. When she lies to you, give her the option to tell the truth (especially if you already know specifically what was done) with out major punishment. (ex: my step-daughter took something from my room, I found it in hers, she tried to tell me she found it under my bed, I told her (calmly) that I would give her 1 more chance to tell me the truth, she paused, I let her know that I knew where the item was, she told me the truth, I praised her for telling me, but let her know that I was still upset that she took the item, and lied. Her punishment was to call her father (who works out of state) and tell him what happend.) Talk to her, spend one on one time with her (even just grocery shopping) help her to feel included with the wedding. Daddy needs to spend one on one time with her as well as the other children. (I have 3 bio + my step-daughter). Keep your chin up and it WILL get better. If you need someone to talk to please e-mail me (diamond41479@yahoo.com.)

Elizabeth - posted on 04/25/2011

Pray for her, and let her know that you are praying for her. Even ask her if there is anything specific she would like for you to pray for her for. Also, I know you have two kids of your own. But you can't do his and her kids, it don't work. I know from watching my dad and my brother. He is actually my half brother but we didn't have such titles. They were either part of the family or they weren't. (I even still call my brother's ex-wife my sister. Not my ex-sister-in-law.) Any time you do something for her ask your self would I do this if she was mine. Keep doing that until you don't even have to ask, you just do it. Also, if she wont' rudely correct you, when you introduce her to some one, introduce her as, "This is my daughter ----." I didn't even realize my kids noticed that till one day my oldest daughter said something. My husband is actually her step-father. But she calls him daddy. But when my husband would introduce her he would say this is my daughter. Not step-daughter or this is my wife's daughter. And she noticed that, kept up with it. I got married to my husband when she was 9. Be consistent with the discipline it shows you care. And keep at it, she will come around. And if therapy is not working, cause she does need someone to talk to. My sons did and still do. See if you can find a support group or just someone you trust for her to open up to.

Laura - posted on 04/25/2011

Hello Amberly, I've read ur post n read all the replies. Everyone gav u wonderful advice! I just want to say tht maybe she feels abandoned by her mother being tht she hasn't been around! She is 9 but still a lil grl, she may hav feelings tht she don't even understand! She may think tht she did sumthing wrong n tht's y her real mommy isn't around or she may b afraid to get close to u cause u just may leave too. Try to b as patience as u can n if u feel urself at the end walk away n giv urself a few min to breathe. This is not easy! Maybe try to explain to her wht happ to her mommy (ofcourse in small words tht r easy for her to disgest). Still continue to b firm with her n keep to the rules, if broken then there's consquences, if ur doing good then there's rewards. She'll come around! Praying for u all

Paula - posted on 04/25/2011

Amberly - once you are all living together, it can't be 'your kids' and 'my kids'. You MUST treat them all the same, especially if you want to stay married. Think about it from your boyfriend's point of view. Do you want him to treat his daughter better than he treats your kids? Believe me, I understand the maternal bond, I have two children, but when you have a blended household, they have to become 'our children', or there is no real family. Do you want a family, or do you just want a husband?

Paula - posted on 04/25/2011

Stepfamilies are SO difficult! Your husband really needs to be the disciplinarian here, as he is the bio parent. The more you discipline, the more your stepdaughter will feel anger toward you.

Is the food in the room really a big deal? Is this something you REALLY need to fight over? One thing I have learned is to pick my battles, and to only fight the important fights. I'm thinking your stepdaughter is feeling like her world is very out of her control right now, with her dad getting remarried. Taking food to her room is one way she has found to control SOMETHING in her life. As long as the food isn't spoiling, and there isn't an issue with mice, etc., I would seriously let it go. Tell her she can have the food as long as she picks her trash, dishes, etc., so cleanliness isn't an issue.

This little girl has had her dad to herself until you came into the picture (even if she has siblings). Now that won't be the case anymore, so you need to be very understanding of her. She is only 9, and really can't express how she truly feels yet. Both of you need to learn to compromise, but for quite awhile yet, YOU are going to have to be the one who gives up more. In time, things will get better, but only if YOU have a lot of patience. And love - not just for Dad, but for this little girl.

Renee - posted on 04/25/2011

I must add that my husband made it very clear to his children that I was his wife and was to be respected the same they respected him. It really is a more of a project for your husband than for you.

Constance - posted on 04/25/2011

This is for Katherine, and anybody else in this situation. First I am sorry you are dealing with this fom your own daughter. Have a question do you live with her dad or seperately?

Amie - posted on 04/25/2011

Please begin intensive therapy before giving up on your family unit. I definitely don't want your children to suffer because of her, but on her end, she's already had her only female role model walk out of her life on her. You don't want to do that to her too.

Have you all spoken to her school officials to see how things are going there? Has she told her girlfriends at school anything they've repeated at home to their families?

I have to wonder if she's sneaking food to comfort herself. I find myself overeating frequently when I'm down, so maybe the same applies to her. A sweet snack is sometimes so comforting. Maybe not for my waistline though... ;-)

Amberly - posted on 04/25/2011

That's where I'm stuck right now. I'm beyond confused. My kids best interests are my best interests. I feel she is a bad influence, and my son is at that age where he repeats what he sees and hears.

Kaye - posted on 04/25/2011

only you can answer that Amberly. You have managed to find the strength to ask for help. Can you go that one more step?

Amberly - posted on 04/25/2011

@katherine... Do you ever take her on lunch dates, or to get your nails done together, mani/pedis are really great. I wish you luck, if your situation is anything like mine, it's difficult, and you definitely deserve a pedi.

Amberly - posted on 04/25/2011

Thank you. If things don't change should I continue to live in this misery, and make my children suffer? It's already been a year and things haven't really changed, in my opinion they have only gotten worse.

Samantha - posted on 04/25/2011

Personally, coming from a blended family and almost marrying into one this can be a very difficult situation that takes a lot of patience and time. Just remember to stay calm and don't let her upset you too much. What I recommend is to let your fiance take care of all discipline and punishment. This can be difficult especially if you have a lot of alone time with her when your fiance is not around, however it makes a world of difference when the biological parent takes care of his/her children. Slowly your step-daughter will learn to accept and respect your authority.

Amie - posted on 04/25/2011

Struggling here with a similar issue. How do you teach children to stop lying...? (She's 14.)

As for your situation, I'm leaning toward what others suggested: this revolves around unresolved pain/anger/embarrassment/whatever regarding her mother. Counseling is key. Best wishes.

Katherine - posted on 04/25/2011

I need some help with this with my own daughter - aside from the stealing food part. I do not have a partner, and my daughter's dad only makes the situation worse, as we are opposite in our disciplines. She's learned from him to be disrespectful to me and other women. It's horrible, and I am totally at my wit's end, to the point of giving up. I can't live with being treated like this on a daily basis.

Kaye - posted on 04/25/2011

dont beat yourself up honey. its a long tough road and sometimes raising kids just isnt fair at all. do what needs to be done with the babies first and the big ones Dad can help out later on. do not let a child draw you into their realm. you are the adult and some behaviours if they are just plain silly can be ignored momentarily

Amberly - posted on 04/25/2011

He is the disciplinary one. I told him that after studying behavior patterns in my psychology class.

Amberly - posted on 04/25/2011

I too came from a divorced family. When I was her age I went from living with my mom to living with my dad. So I do understand a little bit of how she feels. We have tried reverse roles, different disciplinary steps, the reward system. It seems like the harsher the punishment the better she acts. Ex. Being grounded for 2 weeks at a time. Then praise for positive behavior and "surprises". I understand she is going to be a lot of work, but my question is when will it start being fair to my kids? Since she is needing more attention than I give my own kids, that isn't fair to them. I am a good mother, and my kids come first. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? I fear that if things don't began to change soon, I am going to start feeling resentment towards her and her behavior.

Kaye - posted on 04/25/2011

Amberly, i know its difficult, i raised 2 stepchildren as well as my own 3 and there are no real rules except to try really hard to be calm and consistent, maybe enlist her as your number one helper seeing as she is a good deal older than your other 2. and maybe a snack fridge in her room may be a bridge for compromise?? Just hang in there, and do your best. It is all we can do in the long run ♥