How do you deal with the feeling that your marriage is falling apart?

Stacey - posted on 11/03/2011 ( 54 moms have responded )

18

0

0

We have been married for 13 years and I truely love my husband. In the last few years he has made is job and his hobbies his #1 insted of the kids and myself. We rarely spend time just the two of us and when we do its doing something he likes. He has no intrest in what I like or what our kids are doing. I take the kids to all their appointments,school functions,ect. I have tried to let him know how I feel to no resolve. Is it time to give up and move on or do I keep trying? If I keep trying what can I do to help him see that things cant keep going this way? HELP!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christy - posted on 11/03/2011

2,218

41

404

Try counseling (as cliche' as that sounds). Either with a licensed professional, or maybe a pastor (if you go to church at all, usually free or low cost this way).

Also, IF you can, make at least one night a week or every 2 weeks for JUST THE TWO of you. Easier said than done but doable. Go do something you both can agree on, play pool, bowling, something OTHER than a movie (since you can't talk at all during a movie) or go to a restaurant that you both can agree on and have a few drinks (if you drink that is). Give yourselves a chance to communicate ALONE during this time. Even if the conversations ends up negative, at least you are communicating and can determine where to go from there. Good luck!!!!!

Daisy - posted on 11/04/2011

2

0

0

I truly agree with counseling...but sometimes and I'm speaking from experience here, men have to be pit in their place. I've been married for going on 12yrs and have gone through issues like this...I tried talking to him, we did counseling but things didn't change. What I asked myself was if this is what I wanted my daughter to think was a healthy relationship...I didn't so I packed some bags and told my husband that I would give him 4 months to het his act together or I would file for divorce. As hard as that was I had to remember that I was a strong woman before Jim and I am a strong woman now. He took me really serious and things changed. I wish you the best in your struggle and hope things come out the way you want.

Amanda - posted on 11/04/2011

2,559

3

365

Men are stupid, because you agree to do the things he likes, he thinks you also enjoy them. They also cant read minds, they need to be reminded constantly that there are two people in a realtionship. Keep talking to him make it clear, go on a mommy strike if you have too (do nothing extra for the kids or him, no cooking, no laundry, no functions insist he must do it all and learn what your day is like). Stand up for yourself.



Sometimes men truely believe we sit around all day gossiping with our girls, and we dont need adult talk time, or to be taken out once in a while.

Amy - posted on 11/04/2011

122

2

7

I too went throught this with my husband...he refused counseling period. I finally had to tell him I couldn't take it any more, that divorced would be better because then at least I would know I was alone & would be lonly. Instead of thinking I was with someone & had someone who loved me & wanted to spend time with me but was still alone & lonely. Once he realized that I basically felt like I was alone & also the only one truly parenting our son it helped him realize how far away he had drifted...it really hit him when he had to pick up our son from school & realized he didn't know how (where it was, how to get in, where the class was in the building etc) It was a process but he has absolutly changed It was not easy but now we are truly partners. Good luck!



Edited to say: I didn't threaten to leave him, I told him I loved him but that I felt alone anyway so divorce *in my mind* would be better because if he didn't want to be with me at least if we divorced I would know instead of always hoping to spend time together.

Belinda - posted on 11/07/2011

1

2

0

My advice is to tell God on him. This might sound crazy but it works! When I feel my hubby isn't treating me right, I tell God what's going on and how it makes me feel. It seems that after I do that God deals with hubby on those issues. Try it!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

54 Comments

View replies by

Jac - posted on 06/13/2013

1

0

0

Ever heard the conversation between the grandmother and grandchild???

Grandchild: How did you and grandpa manage to stay together for 65 years?
Grandma: We are from a time where if something was broken - we fix it, not throw it away

YOU MARRIED HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVED HIM - DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!! When you are being difficult - does God turn his back on you>? NO!!!!!

Francesca - posted on 11/08/2011

3

2

0

Can I suggest you read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman - GREAT book which helps couples speak in their partner's love language and also find out what their own "language" is. Good luck :)

Pamela - posted on 11/07/2011

711

9

6

If you are not asking him to participate then he is probably assuming that "all is well". When people "settle into" married life, they often forget to COMMUNICATE their feelings, wants and NEEDS to one another, making for emotional upsets that get buried and tend to erupt at the most inopportune times and cause more problems than they need to or should.

One of the BIGGEST parts of any relationship is COMMUNICATION!!! You should be talking to him about this situation, your feelings and how you see it affecting the marriage adversely.

There is a series of online work called The Art of Love. Contact them at . They have the kind of help you are seeking to bring that spark and togetherness back into your marriage/family relationship. Check them out. Hope they are helpful for you.

Evil - posted on 11/07/2011

2

6

0

Hi Stacey. I totally agreen with Karen here. Though divorce may seems the easier way - it is not. I have had my rough patch in my marriage too. Counselling didn't work, infact it put more pressure on our marriage than it was. Then I did what Karen described ... it turned out positive. I realised we women often think we are the one that are sensitive and needs the attention when in actual fact, our husband feels the same way too. So spoil him like you would when u first met and excercise patience. You CAN get thru this. All the best!

Holly - posted on 11/07/2011

4

40

0

Im going thru this also, Stacey....and my husband refuses to go to therapy. He says anything going wrong= all my fault. Im with you...I just pray a LOT that things will get better. And I try to be there for the kids all I can. But I know kids are smart too...they know what's going on.

Patricia - posted on 11/07/2011

2

0

0

Stacey,
I am in the same boat as you are but we have tried the counseling and he agreed with everything the counselor said but never followed through. That was a year ago. My son is grown but him and his son both live with us and that creates more conflict. I wish I had the answer to your problem because then I would have the answer to mine. Just know that there are others out there dealing with the same thing. Stay strong for the kids sake but you have to do what is best for you and your kids, and if that means leaving then do it.

Clare - posted on 11/07/2011

32

9

1

I have exactly the same problem. So one day instead of constantly nagging him to do his fair share, take more interest etc, I told him that if I can't make him change, then I will change and become the same as him. It was really hard but it woke him up when suddenly there was no food in the house, the kids were late for school, there was nothing organised or ready for the children. It was hard because I felt I was letting the children down but it only lasted a couple of days and it made him realise how much I do. He still does very little compared to me (and we both work) but at least he does recognise that fact now.

Ava - posted on 11/06/2011

0

0

0

I say have a family Day each week. Ours is Sunday! We ALL do things together! Fun things! like game times..play Monopoly... cook ttogether..eat together...make snacks
vary it up according to the seasons, and spread the responsiblities for it among the family..let everyone have input on what to do...and do differently according to taste etc. spend alone time with each child, each parent in turn.
remember to show courtesy to each other , don't get lazy and forget that all people including your husband are worthy of being treated with dignity.. pay especial attention to praiseing your husband for what he does..make positive conversation as well as "complaint time"

Carla - posted on 11/06/2011

1

3

0

Visit www.livinginlove.org to see if they have a weekend retreat in your area. If he will attend, you'll both find it to be marriage-changing.

Tammy - posted on 11/06/2011

2

12

0

Doing what he wants is just what he wants!! NO!! I am a true believer in families sticking together... Today we celebrate our 24th Anniversary... 4 children all grown up and have 8 moko's of love and we have everything at our finger tips... Good luck on your journey...

Ruthie - posted on 11/05/2011

40

10

4

Stacey, I've been married for 43 years now. A problem like this needs to be confronted and dealt with...You need to tell your husband that you both need to discuss the problem at hand and it can't be put off. It is affecting all of your lives. Expect results out of him and let him know this. If he refuses to discuss this with you and/or take it seriously..then Demand that he goes with you to a counselor, pastor or to some other neutral party. I hope this helps, Honey.

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

14

47

1

LOL!!!! The grass is much greener on my side. Probably because I don't have a husband here stomping all over the grass yelling about how he works so hard to pay for everything. Now I can relax and just lay in the grass and look up at the beautiful sky and smile with my kiddos while we count all the money mommy makes and saves not having that meanie around! We have fun now!

TONYA - posted on 11/05/2011

4

13

0

Is he a good hubby,father and does he pay the bills?if so be thankfull you have such a wonderful honey. So he does not spend his time with you, or do you spend all your time putting the kiddos 1st. Maybe you need to look at both sides befor you think about ending anything.you have kids they need both of you. The grass is not greener on the other side.

TONYA - posted on 11/05/2011

4

13

0

Is he a good hubby,father and does he pay the bills?if so be thankfull you have such a wonderful honey. So he does not spend his time with you, or do you spend all your time putting the kiddos 1st. Maybe you need to look at both sides befor you think about ending anything.you have kids they need both of you. The grass is not greener on the other side.

TONYA - posted on 11/05/2011

4

13

0

Is he a good hubby,father and does he pay the bills?if so be thankfull you have such a wonderful honey. So he does not spend his time with you, or do you spend all your time putting the kiddos 1st. Maybe you need to look at both sides befor you think about ending anything.you have kids they need both of you. The grass is not greener on the other side.

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

14

47

1

All us "single" moms are proof that we don't "NEED" both parents! Sure, it would be nice, but we don't Need to have some man to take care of who doesn't want to help with the kids or our personal needs. We DESERVE to be happy! When momma is happy, everyone is happy. My husband has been miserable since I moved so far away, and he finally woke up and realized what he lost. Now he's doing all he can to get me back...and I'm enjoying it. It's nice to be wanted by him again. I'm not running back just yet. I have to know that this change is for real and is gonna last before I go back. For now, I'm happy here and I'll wait to see what the future brings as time goes on.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone. If you love something set it free....you know the rest.

Danae - posted on 11/05/2011

12

9

0

Angela Rose Kulpa, don't you dare attack this woman trying to make her feel bad about the whole thing. It has nothing to do with the bible, it's about what is happening to her in her life and what she can do to make things better for her and her children. She cannot change someone elses behaviour, she can only make her own choices and decisions, in the best interest of her kids, despite whatever is going on with her husband, because that could be anything.

Stifler's - posted on 11/05/2011

15,141

154

597

1. Make him take the kids to functions etc.
2. Make plans to do what you want, it's not attractive to your husband to be moping around trying to get attention. It just makes things worse. I know because I do it all the time and on days I am happy because I've done some craft or gone out for lunch he comes home and wants to talk because i have something besides "i did nothing today" or "the usual" or "fed the kids and cleaned the house" in a mopy i hate my life tone.

Lo - posted on 11/05/2011

12

8

0

so alot of people here have posted, go back to the two people you were when you married. but truth be told, you're not those people anymore. many people fall in lust, not in love and get married for many reasons including lust, need, lonliness, boredom, financial security, anything other than true compatibility. so 12 years later, when you're up to your ears in kids, mortages, carpooling, lack of spontaneity, loss of sexual attractiveness, you're now living with a roommate, instead of a life partner. that initial "wow" feeling is long gone. go back to that? forget it, that's over. if there wasn't a real initial compatability factor to begin with, and it was just based on lust, newness and attraction, well, you've got your work cut out for you. if you gotta tell a man to be a part of his children's lives, well, that says something. a man who's a standup man would do that, just freaking because. forget trying to go back. move forward and find what's working for you now. as for the comments saying that you should stay 'cause there's not much better out there, well, that's not the point and how do you know that? don't stay or leave because of what is or is not out there. leave or stay because of what your heart, soul and gut tell you is right or wrong. you deserve to be happy and show your kids what that looks like.

Thaddea - posted on 11/05/2011

4

1

0

Did your kids ever try and ask him to help them with a task? Call in sick for the day and make him take care of them. Take a vacation and leave them for a day or two. They should tell him that he should be a part of their lives. His financial support is not enough. You on the other hand should find some activity out of your house and insist you have that time alone for yourself.

Jennifer - posted on 11/05/2011

1

4

0

I think you need to tell him how you feel, and what your thoughts are. It is not ok for him to shut you and your children out. My husband and I have been married for 13 years as well. There was a time when our oldest was younger, and not that long ago when he was working 70 + hours a week, we don't have any family around here, and friends are far and few between. OUr closest family member is about 400 miles away. You need to let him know what he has to risk. You deserve better, in the end you would only resent him

Danae - posted on 11/05/2011

12

9

0

Hi Stacey, I dealt with something similar a couple of years ago, but it turned out my partner was heavily into drugs. My advice would be, since that the you are in control of your own actions, it is up to you to find things that make you happy, you can try and try to make him see you and the children the way you think he should, but if will only be affirmations to keep hurting yourself. There is no denying this is extremely difficult for you, and I am soo, so sorry that it's happening to you, I do know how it feels. But at the end of the day, you have the children that need you and you need to be physically and mentally well for them. Chin up, get out there and rediscover yourself. Your girlfriends would love to see you again! Never underestimate the power of having a cuppa with your friends and getting it all off your chest. You can get through this, if he wants to go about his merry way, that's his choice, but you've got those beautiful children and hopefully the start of something new and wonderful for you.

D - posted on 11/05/2011

2

13

0

do the 40 day love dare and try talking to someone i have been married for 26 yr now and i truly under stand what you are talking about my years were 7-11 we refer to them as the make it or brake it years love is a choice and family is a big one as well i know this sound crazy but it is what has help are marriage we were married at the age of 19 and 20 so we (group up) with each outer and had to make some designs

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

14

47

1

Okay, I'm just going to tell you my story...not my opinion, or advice on what you should do...this is what has made MY marriage finally start to work for both of us.



My husband was the same way. Never wanted to do stuff with us (he has two kids from his first marriage that he has custody of, and i have my 3 kids...none together). All he cared about was himself and his hunting and his work, etc. I kept threatenig to leave, and eventually I did...the day of our 9 year anniversary to be exact. I moved from MI to AZ...were I wanted to be. Now I'm doing my own thing and feeling great. Got a great job, a great home, and my kids go to an amazing school. Ive only been here 3 months. And guess what? After two months of arguing over the phone, I finally told him that I've had enough of a break, I'm not coming back, and I want a divorce, and I stopped talking to him...for 3 days. Then he text me saying he missed me, and after that text, all he's done is text me and call me, and even video chatted with me. He sends me songs that make him think of me, and sent roses and candy to my work, and has bought me gifts and mailed them to me...all in the last month. Being away from each other has brought us closer. We've realized how much we mean to each other. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rushing back any time soon. I wanna make sure this is real before I go back there. Things are to great here to go running back right away. I trust him, and he trusts me, and we really do love each other...guess we've always known that, but it took me leaving to bring us back together...to make him realize what he had.



Now, I don't recommend it, but it was my last resort, my last chance to make him realize how good he really had it and now he misses me very, very much. He's even trying to sell one of his precious 4-wheelers just for money to fly out here to visit me for Thanksgiving. One day at a time, and maybe one day we'll live together again.



One more thing...he had said I'd be in a homeless shelter by now...LOL...I now make twice as much money as he does, and he has a great job ;-) and my kids went from a #2(bad) rated school to a #9(good) rated school, and I live in a bigger home for less money. He had it all wrong, and now he know's it.

Ernestine - posted on 11/05/2011

1

0

0

You have to keep the magic in your marriage. Get a babysitter, his schedule, and kidnap him for a special

dinner and/or movie once a month. Do something you like to do. Take a stand and a lot of Praying if you want your marriage to work.

Tracy - posted on 11/05/2011

1

6

0

I've been married 20 years my hubby has never been to one parents evening. I learnt to deal with it we are both very different, enjoy the differences and don't think its greener on the other side. If he treats you with respect and loves you that's what matters and start buying yourself flowers every now and than. Love T

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/05/2011

18,939

9

3002

My husband and I have been together for 11 yrs, going onto 7 yrs of marriage. We cherish our time out together without the kids, and it does not happen often enough.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/05/2011

18,939

9

3002

Well, I would sit him down and tell him if things don't change with you both working on them together as a team, then it is either you need to go to marriage counseling (if things do not change while you are BOTH working on it) or he needs to leave. I don't deal well with absentee father types, or absentee husbands. That is how I grew up, and I want nothing to do with it. It is a very lonely life. Might as well do it alone if you feel that way anyhow.

Chelese - posted on 11/05/2011

158

0

0

Hi Stacey I've asked myself that same question several times about my marriage. And I think I can relate on the part of hobbies and interests that mine has. Mine does love our boys but here lately I just dont know anymore. Maybe if you can pick out some interest that you both like? Or maybe find a neutral ground. I'd say do something to get his attention off of what his hobbies are and maybe totally catch him off guard. Maybe when he gets home you could have a candle light dinner together? Or maybe buy some of his favorite foods, snacks or beverages? Maybe on a nice fall afternoon on the weekend you he and your kids could go to the park or have a picnic or take a drive. Guys don't seem to do good when it comes to feelings. They seem to have a very difficult time expressing themselves. There is that option or maybe just totally focusing on you. Sometimes if men know you are focusing so much on trying to fix whats wrong in a marriage they just want to go to their out. Without packing up your bags and just leaving maybe you could start doing things with your children. Take a day to get away from him and let him miss you. Maybe your presence away will make him want you around. I have went through every kinda option in my marriage except for flat out leaving to try and keep the flame going. As easy as it is to say just pack up and leave it's quite difficult because when i think about taking my kids and leaving I think about the time when we first got together. And I think about what we have built together. And somewhere under all the drama and garbage still lies love. And I think if you have that anything is possible.

Nicole - posted on 11/05/2011

2

1

0

It's so funny to know that I'm not the only woman going through this. I've been married 11 years and my husband is a great father, provider, and roommate. I've talked until I am blue in the face. I just point blank told him I would pack up MY stuff and leave. I told him if he could work full time and make it to PTA meetings and still cook dinner do laundry and make cupcakes without any help or affection with a smile I'd be shocked. He took what I said this time and decided to try to do things differently. I don't think there is anything better out there. I just think husbands get too comfortable and forget we need affection not just a roommate. I hope everything works out for you. Its been about two weeks since my meltdown and things are a lot better. Not perfect but better.

[deleted account]

My marraige almost ended several years ago. We both were thinking of leaving, and we each learned a very valuable lesson.
Every time I start feeling neglected or ignored, I have learned to SPOIL him! He is more than likely feeling the same way, and when I start to spoil him, he starts to spoil me back! It's not always a quick answer, and it does take effort! Men love to be taken care of, but they don't like to feel that they "owe" anybody, especially YOU! Find things that you can do FOR him that he normally has to do. And other things like back rubs or neck rubs. Talk about how lucky you are to have him in your life. What would life be like without him? Think it over.
Divorce does not make anything easier. I think it makes everything HARDER, so that should be the very last resort!

YOu can get through this. Be his best friend, and be patient! My best to you!

Barbara - posted on 11/05/2011

2

12

0

What about a weekend away? You make the arrangements without discussing it with him just tell him to keep a particular weekend free. Make arrangements for the kids. It would be a weekend away without distractions and best of all, chances of running into someone you know is at a minimum.

Tammy - posted on 11/05/2011

2

12

0

13 years is a very long time.... In saying that!! You cant give up because your children need both parents today... The husband does wake up in time its a matter of dealing with growing up!! He himself has to deal with... Patience is a virtue... As we do we do what has to be done... Our children is what makes us happy and contented thats why we attend to our children as we do!! I myself have been in that same suituation.... You yourself!!.... Love your husband and do what is important to your children thats why it is neccesary to stay strong and do what caring mothers do!! I myself am a strong believer that parents of children need to make their hearts grow stronger and stronger in love and prosperity... You dont want your children to pick and choose over you OR your husband WHY this and that happened!!... I have alot of amiration for you and the future of your children ♥ xoxox

Fauzia - posted on 11/04/2011

2

5

0

seems my story.....but what i have decided and thought that whatever he is doing is for me and kids i feel much happy.All the hard work he goes through ends up with the fact that he is doing it for his family...meanwhile in one month i plan something just for me and him....like making a nice candle lit dinner at home sending the kids to their granny.I also keeep my self busy by planning activities with my kids and friends.i know this is not the substitute of hubby's company but definitely it soothes the pain of loneliness.

Tinker1987 - posted on 11/04/2011

1,144

5

6

try writting him a letter. it goes over better then a conversation. if things dont improve,then make your move it will either bring you to a new chapter in life,or make him really realise what he is losing and maybe change!!!

Alexandra - posted on 11/04/2011

581

24

1

Counseling only works when somebody is willing and wants to do it. Otherwise it is a waste of time.
I think you should speak to your husband. Make it a special occasion, put the kids to bed and have a one-on-one time with him. Choose a day that he is not tired, so that his listening ears will be available.
As far as date time/night, why don't you choose where you are going? It is also good if you choose and surprise him. Maybe he will understand a little better what you have been in the mood lately if you take the step of showing, not just talking about it. Good luck. Keep us posted!

Melanie - posted on 11/04/2011

3

0

0

I had a similar problem in my marriage. I did not want to give up and tried to convince him to go to counseling with me. He refused and I felt as though I were the only one in my marriage and like I was the only one to make any concessions. After 7yrs of marriage I threatened to leave. He agreed to counseling at that point and I agreed to try. When push came to shove though he could never find time and my marriage ended a year later. My advice is to try, but he has to try as well. There must be 2 ppl in a marriage for it to work. Men tend to shut down rather than opening up.it is up to you to insure that he knows that you are unhappy and that he must take you seriously. With any luck, he will be willing to try. If not, listen to your heart. Divorce, for me, was the hardest thing that I have ever been through, but was the best thing in the world for me. Shortly after we separated, I met my boyfriend of 5 years. Although I do not wish to get remarried, my bf is everything that my husband was nt and I now have a partner in my life who is supportive and loves my company. My kids are happier now that I am happier as well. I wanted to save my marriage for my 3 children and the biggest surprise to me is how good the divorce has been for them. There is a silent tension that hangs in a household that is not happy that affects the moods of everyone inside. Don't get me wrong, it was incredibly difficult, but was truly best for all of us. You should try evrything before you decide to leave though.

Christina - posted on 11/04/2011

13

0

3

punch him in the face jkjk Sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you need him to listen. Explain your feelings. Ask him for a response.

Nelly - posted on 11/04/2011

47

61

8

you tried his hobbies, now it is his turn to know what yours are and schedule "the date". You should plan a date for just you and also a family event (going to a park, the movies, brunch somewhere...) if he does not "have the time" than he needs to learn the meaning of the word FAMILY.

Catrina - posted on 11/04/2011

16

0

0

Counseling is a good idea if you can get him to do it. Just be careful with threatening to leave though. I know this works for some people, but some men don't handle ultimatums well and it may backfire. I really do wish all the best for you and hope you find a way of getting through to your husband because 13 years is a long time to just throw away. You both need to go back to what made you fall in love to begin with, and start there. Good luck!!

Kelina - posted on 11/04/2011

2,018

9

235

Yup I agree tell him the two of you are going out on such and such a date, it's on the calendar, and then make him go. discuss things other than his hobbies, and go one step further and plan a girls night out for yourself twice a month. Tell him the kids are his responsibility those nights. It's not ok for hi to not help you out with the kids. It took two to make them, it should take two to raise them.

Stacey - posted on 11/04/2011

18

0

0

Thanks ladies! I have showed intrest in the things he likes and now thats all he wants to do when we have time for just us! He took me to a mud bog for our last anniverary for goodness sake! Not my idea of romance!!! I will soak up all this advice and do what i have to for my kids and myself.Right now I feel like I have a lazy roommate insted od a husband!

Shala - posted on 11/04/2011

1

0

0

Why don't you try and show some interest in your husbands hobbies. For a while my husband was feeling that all he was here for is to provide for our family do yardwork ect. I wanted him to do things with me and the kids too! When ever he had spare time he was doing what HE wanted to do..... We'll, I started asking him questions about the things he liked to do and I showed INTREST in what he liked... Just like when we DATED.... Men are not verbal, they don't want to have another "talk about it" Show some interest and wait and see what happens.....He will come around.

Antoinette - posted on 11/04/2011

4

7

0

I agree you need counseling. Just know you can't make him go. He has to be willing to try.

Christy - posted on 11/03/2011

2,218

41

404

DEMAND he make the time since you feel (and tell him this) this way, tell him you are thinking of ending it based on what you have said here. Men (not all) need their hands held and also need a chart and graph to explain how you are feeling to them!!!!

Stacey - posted on 11/03/2011

18

0

0

Thanks for the advice! All things I would be happy to try if I could get him to make the time.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms