How do you explain sex to a 10 year old?

Daniele - posted on 04/12/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I have started be how far should I go.

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Kim - posted on 04/15/2009

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As little girls we were very nervous about sex. My mother explained it all to me at the age when I started asking questions. One bit of advice was very good. She said that when you love someone, really love them enough to get married, you want to give yourself to a man that way.

That was very comforting that when the time came, I'd want it.

Laura - posted on 04/15/2009

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Answer only the questions asked and explain in language the child understands. Do not lie. I usually talk about animals.

Julie - posted on 04/15/2009

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There is no need to explain everything. A good book I read to mine was 'The Wonderful Way that Babies are Made'

Make your answers simple...

Input your values to your child.

Be sure to tell them how happy that is the way you got them! Sex info. can be scarey for a child...

If you encourage them to save it until after marriage they are putting off the emeotional damges that go with premarital sex as well as the pressures and the 1 out of 2 with STD's -

Shelly - posted on 04/15/2009

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Daniele,



First let me tell you that I am a 45 yr old mother of 3 grown children, 2 of whom are married and one is expecting my first grandchild. 



At the age of twelve, a child needs to know how babies are made and how they get out.  Unfortunately there are too many childhood pregnancies these days so you need to equip your child with this knowledge.  Your child probably knows more than you care to think, so it is better that he/she gets the correct info from you.   I have always told my children truthful answers to their questions, but stated that their Dad and I did not believe in premarital sex.  That God gave us sex for marriage.  That it is beautiful thing when shared between two married people and it is the reason that people have babies.  That when two people come together to have sex that they become One person, as God says in the marriage vows.  So it is very important to wait for marriage, because you give your self away and that needs to be only once.  Plus it is a special gift that you can only give once.



So this is your opportunity to establish an open honest relationship with your child.  You want your son or daughter to know that they can come to you about anything and ask anything.  It does not mean that you have to compromise your values, but you do need to present the answers laced with your values in a nonthreatening way.



Here's what I did when asked....quite often I started by saying I am going to answering your question(s) and we are probably going to giggle because we may get embarassed or uncomfortable, but I will be honest and I will answer so here we go...  Then I would answer with short answers using anatomically correct words.   If it was a slang word presented I would explain why it is a slang word (ex: someone does not respect this body part that God made and they gave it a nasty name.  This name is not what we call this body part, we call it



" anatomical part name" ).



There are books that help the process too.  You can give your child a book to read then be available to answer when they want to talk more.  I discourage the use of a book, because it looks like you are not very willing to engage your child in this subject.  However, if you read it together using starts and stops for discussion it could be good.



This is a beautiful moment, enjoy the opportunity to share in such a special way with your child.



Hope this helps.  Blessings, Shelly

Dee - posted on 04/14/2009

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try find out what yr child know and remember that  child talk in the play ground and some child how know too much and tell other children everything in the wrong way, so try wait untiil they ask questons and think careful what u say and dont give yr child the it fun? u know how much when they look confusen anb make sure they know they can talk to u any time, all the best withit all. xxxx



 

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Odette Silver - posted on 01/16/2013

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yes your right when I was young I felt embarrassed talking about it.

[deleted account]

You go as far as your child is comfortable with. Knowing your child you should be able to tell when the subject is uncomfortable for him/her. Once you stop, give your child a chance to digest it and at another neutral time, bring the subject up with him/her again and take it a little further. My son shut down on me when he realized that I had to have had sex to conceive him. LOL! Once he got over that hump, I broached the subject again. Unfortunately he started to get some information from other kids and as he was ready, he began to ask me questions. It's not an easy thing but I can say that once he was taught about it in school, the teacher asked him to list people they can talk to about it and it felt good that he listed me as his #1 source.

Kelly - posted on 04/14/2009

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How to explain sex to a 10 year old depends on the type of questions they ask. Definitely broach the subject but let them know you are willing to answer any questions objectively and honestly.



If they ask questions you feel they shouldn't know at their age...guess what? They are already a littel more knowledgeable than you think they are. I have four ages 20-15. I have an open door policy to ask anything and I will answer to the best of my knowledge. And i think that because of that, sex is a little less of an enigma to them than their friends. Maybe some think I gave too much information. But I sleep better knowing they are knowledgeable about the things they should be. I ask their opinions about different topics and they feel comfortable giving it. All four know I would prefer for them not to have sex until they are 40 (or older) but...they trust me enough to come to me rather than get info in the streets. Just don't think to yourself "Oh, he/she won't understand that." because they know a lot more than you think. Sex is rampant in elementary schools. My daughters said girls were giving oral sex in the 4th and 5th grades. They just never said anything to me about it. (Basically because they both thought it was "nasty").

Cheryl - posted on 04/14/2009

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I also agree with Kimberly.  My daughter is 12, I started having age appropriate conversations with her early.  She knows the correct terms for both male and female, although when she was very young we used slang, the same slang that my parents and grandparents used.  (Although, some will tell you to use the correct vocabulary, I believe that no one knows my child better than me, so you do what works)  I don't think there is a start time or end time for this topic.  As my daughter gets older and has already been blessed by mother nature, our level of conversation has become and will continue to evolve into more intense sub-topics.  We have only just started to discuss the purpose of a woman's menstral cycle; up until the past few months, she was satisfied with the answer, "all girls go through this, it is natural, there is nothing wrong with you."  Now, as she is beginning to show more interest in boys, our conversations are still age appropriate, but also explaining what mother nature intended.  I am also fortunate to live in the country....farm land, which some times helps to give a premise for conversation when there are new babies running around the pasture.

Marie - posted on 04/14/2009

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Answer every question honestly.  And answer every question she/he has.  When my oldest had questions we talked for hours.  Uncomfortable?  Of course it was.  But now that he's older - he comes to me with any questions or concerns!  And that's key!  You want to keep those lines of communication open! 



My younger son asks a few questions at a time.  He doesn't need to know every single thing all at once, so he'll ask me questions when he needs to.  Again, he knows I'm always honest and he always comes to me for the correct answer!



Another thing, too, is to let your child know what YOU consider to be sex.  By middle school your baby will get an earful about anal and oral sex - and there are plenty of kids who don't think that those acts are sex (because no pregnancy can occur).  You know different and you can make sure that your child knows where you stand on that the very moment that the subject comes up. 



You can ask your child exactly what information they are looking for (like the classic joke about "Where did I come from?" and the parent gives the sex talk only to have the kid reply, "That's gross!  Susie came from Cleveland!").  You can also tell your child that talking about sex is kind of embarassing for both of you, but it's important to have the information.  Tell your child that you are proud of him/her for bringing the questions to you, because that's very grown-up and responsible.  Children always respond positively when you give them a pat.



 



Your child doesn't expect you to be perfect.  You are mom with that special "mom" sense that regular mortals don't have - don't forget that.  It's not easy, but you'll get through it just fine. 

Shelagh - posted on 04/14/2009

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Knowledge is power - but make it clear that sex is for grown-ups - talk about 'the man' and 'the woman' rather than 'the boy' and 'the girl'. Also, think about what she needs to know - certainly she needs to know about menstruation, and the other changes that will be happening sooner or later. There are some great books around that she can dip into in her own time (and yes, giggle over with her friends). And grab opportunities - if you know someone who is pregnant, that's a great intro to the 'how did it get in, how will it get out' topic.

Nicola - posted on 04/14/2009

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i ve heard the more you tell them the less they will get into trouble when they re older, but i do think it s best to explain to them in their terminology, so that they do have an understanding, and that if they need to ask further questions that you ll be there to explain to them and make your child feel comfortable, as it can sometimes be embarrassing!!! good luck xx

Susan - posted on 04/14/2009

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Do you really need to talk about sex already? I took my daughter Puber Tea (a mother daughter tea where they learn about their changing bodies and how to deal with those changes). They also do one for boys and their dads called Rites of Passage. I was surprised to see how much they taught the girls and we didn't even have to talk about sex yet. My daughter will be 10 in July and she was more concerned with her changing body than with all the details on sex and I found this class perfect because I didn't need to introduce her to something she wasn't ready for yet. They have additional classes as the children get older and I found it to be a great way to increase communication with my daugher. You can find out more at www.birdsnbeesconnection.com. Good luck to you in finding out how to explain sex to your 10 year old.

Deidre - posted on 04/12/2009

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I agree with the ladies that say to answer the exact question with an exact answer. If the question is vague, ask them to be specific, then answer truthfully and matter-of-factly. I have not gone through this yet myself since my daughter is only 11mo but I remember talking about this with my mom. I remember in 4th/5th grade (I don't know what age that is) I asked my mom how you have sex and she told me. She said that a man takes his penis and puts it into a woman's vagina. She explained that females have 3 holes (one to pee, one to poop, and one for sex) and one of them is for sex. That was pretty much it. And she told me that this is something to talk with your parents about only and if my friends wanted to know to tell them to ask their parents instead of telling them what I knew. She was very clear with that and I didn't share this with anyone until I was pretty much graduated from high school... cause by then it's pretty much guaranteed everyone already knows this hehe.

Her talking to me in that way definitely didn't make me more prone to have sex sooner, along with a bunch of other ways she and my dad parented. I first had sex at 18 (almost 19) and had already graduated high school. So don't feel that because you give this type of information early it will lead your child to become a sexual fiend ;)

Toni - posted on 04/12/2009

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I would ask what it is your daughter already thinks she knows? Think back to your own childhood and remember the whispers and giggles and false information that you heard from friends.



I wouldn't just answer her direct questions any more but would expand on them. She needs to know and she needs the correct information from her parents, not the school or her friends or even the TV or books, but from you.



Sit her down with an adult education book and go over the facts. THEN move on to feelings, trust, side effects and issues with regard to sex. Then ask her if she has any questions.



She will undoubted think she already knows most of it from her friends, but we all no how false that can be and some of the horror stories us girls hear about boys...lol.



BTW, I just realised I've assumed your child is a daughter. I have no idea why...lol, sorry.

Ada - posted on 04/12/2009

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First of all the child probably knows more than you think.  When they ask questions, only answer what they ask, do not offer more.  If they are curious they will ask  more questions.



Ask them why they asked or what caused them to ask.  This will give you time to think and target the answer to exactly what they want to know.  Above all always be honest  and use correct terminology (a boy has a penis, not a wee wee)!

Debbie - posted on 04/12/2009

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My advice on how to explain sex to a 10 year old would be to ascertain what her real question is--let her be specific and then answer specifically and truthfully--don't offer more information than what she is asking for or is ready for.

Rose Amy - posted on 04/12/2009

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I think that a parent should tell there child as much as possible and let them know all the facts.most schools have sexs ed at a early grade any more but the teachers are not telling the students what a true relationships is and understandings of there feelings . now days kids are sexting, doing oral sexs(which they can get std's from) I think parents need to tell there kids before there friends do or teaches them.

Amy - posted on 04/12/2009

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Be honest but don't give any more information than they can handle.  Wait for them to ask the questions and answer honestly.  That's what I've done with my son and it seems not to have traumatized him!  Good luck. 

Barbara - posted on 04/12/2009

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I second what Sarah said about how to explain sex to a 10 year old.  Just be open and non judgemental, and help them to feel that they are free to come to you with any questions and concerns that they might have. 

[deleted account]

When I was 6 years old I started asking my mom about how babies are made. She sat me down with an age-appropriate book, we went through it, and I was cool with that. Years later she caught me masturbating and again sat me down, explained about personal pleasure and also wanted to make sure I understood privacy and personal hygeine regarding that. I was embarassed, but she was very matter-of-fact so it was OK.



I'd say just be HONEST. Kids are not dumb. They resent it if you hide things from them. Tell them "Sexuality between mature adults is something pleasurable and private, but it's not to be abused. It's very fun and a powerful experience, but when it's done too soon, without the proper maturity, it can lead to many problems, such as STD's, unwanted pregnancy, etc."  I mean, you don't need to go SO deep into it with a 10 year old, but I think they will appreciate having a very matter-of-fact answer and not a bunch of light euphemisms. Engage their curiousity and intelligence and allow them to make their own insights.

Sally - posted on 04/12/2009

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i just told my children the basics not going to deep but enough so they understood they learn alot at school in sex education so there questions expanded from that i didnt want them to think they couldnt ask me again so its quite a free subject to talk about at the same time explaining that there bodys are beautiful and they also need to be respected my the person they choose to have sex with when they old enough also covering that it is a to part decision to have sex and there any doubt they should say no once i started the questions just kept coming so be prepared for questions to keep popping up hope i helped you with how to explain sex to a 10 year old x

Kareen - posted on 04/12/2009

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I agree with Kimberly. My 8 year old is getting talked to little bits at a time. Hopefully he will still ask me questions as he gets older. I'm already planning to get more detailed by the time he's 10. My husband's first full experiance was at age 11, so I don't  want to take that chance and will keep talking to my sons early.  the most important thing is to tell them the truth and talk to him like a young adult, cuz that's what they almost are. Don't forget to let them ask you any questions that they might have.

[deleted account]

I had to explain sex to my 10 year old in bits and pieces throughout his lifetime. I give him a little bit that he was comfortable with and then spoon fed him until he learned. I also bought him the book called Boys, Girls & Body Science by Meg Hickling.

Kelly - posted on 04/14/2009

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How to explain sex to a 10 year old depends on the type of questions they ask. Definitely broach the subject but let them know you are willing to answer any questions objectively and honestly.



If they ask questions you feel they shouldn't know at their age...guess what? They are already a littel more knowledgeable than you think they are. I have four ages 20-15. I have an open door policy to ask anything and I will answer to the best of my knowledge. And i think that because of that, sex is a little less of an enigma to them than their friends. Maybe some think I gave too much information. But I sleep better knowing they are knowledgeable about the things they should be. I ask their opinions about different topics and they feel comfortable giving it. All four know I would prefer for them not to have sex until they are 40 (or older) but...they trust me enough to come to me rather than get info in the streets. Just don't think to yourself "Oh, he/she won't understand that." because they know a lot more than you think. Sex is rampant in elementary schools. My daughters said girls were giving oral sex in the 4th and 5th grades. They just never said anything to me about it. (Basically because they both thought it was "nasty").

Susan - posted on 04/14/2009

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Do you really need to talk about sex already? I took my daughter Puber Tea (a mother daughter tea where they learn about their changing bodies and how to deal with those changes). They also do one for boys and their dads called Rites of Passage. I was surprised to see how much they taught the girls and we didn't even have to talk about sex yet. My daughter will be 10 in July and she was more concerned with her changing body than with all the details on sex and I found this class perfect because I didn't need to introduce her to something she wasn't ready for yet. They have additional classes as the children get older and I found it to be a great way to increase communication with my daugher. You can find out more at www.birdsnbeesconnection.com. Good luck to you in finding out how to explain sex to your 10 year old.

Debbie - posted on 04/12/2009

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My advice on how to explain sex to a 10 year old would be to ascertain what her real question is--let her be specific and then answer specifically and truthfully--don't offer more information than what she is asking for or is ready for.

Barbara - posted on 04/12/2009

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I second what Sarah said about how to explain sex to a 10 year old.  Just be open and non judgemental, and help them to feel that they are free to come to you with any questions and concerns that they might have. 

Sally - posted on 04/12/2009

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i just told my children the basics not going to deep but enough so they understood they learn alot at school in sex education so there questions expanded from that i didnt want them to think they couldnt ask me again so its quite a free subject to talk about at the same time explaining that there bodys are beautiful and they also need to be respected my the person they choose to have sex with when they old enough also covering that it is a to part decision to have sex and there any doubt they should say no once i started the questions just kept coming so be prepared for questions to keep popping up hope i helped you with how to explain sex to a 10 year old x

[deleted account]

I had to explain sex to my 10 year old in bits and pieces throughout his lifetime. I give him a little bit that he was comfortable with and then spoon fed him until he learned. I also bought him the book called Boys, Girls & Body Science by Meg Hickling.

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