How do you get a teen mom to bond with her baby?

Jara - posted on 09/15/2010

This happened to an old friend of mine. She had a baby at 16 and suffered from PPD. Her mom was like you and took care of the baby. One day when the baby was 6 months she was taking care of him while her mom went to the store. When her mom got back, my friend was gone and the baby had a busted lip, cigarete burns on its back and a bottle full of water and cigarete butts that it was actually drinking. That is when they finally found out about the PPD and my friend was sent to a hospital. It's 2 years later and she is still in that hospital. You need to take your daughter to a doctor now!!!! You need to go because she will tell them everything is okay. When she does, you stand up and tell them EVERYTHING that is going on. Your daughter really needs help right now. Listen to me when I saw PPD can be extremely dangerous.

Janice - posted on 09/15/2010

She must be feeling inadequancy at this point but tell her the more she takes care of her the more at ease she will feel and the baby feels that and will calm down. Maybe write down problems in the childcare, positive steps to take, and a progress chart because she needs to see the progress on paper at times she needs to feel encouraged. Above all, your daughter is so precious for choosing life and keeping her precious gift from God as she is a gift from God.
While she is taking care of her baby tell her you believe she can be a good mother and you want her to tell herself every day I believe in myself because these positive words will make positive changes. I will pray for this situation.

Angela - posted on 09/15/2010

ps - MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND THIS CHILD. i also agree with Tiffany.

Susan - posted on 09/15/2010

This is so heartbreaking. I'm glad that that little baby has you but I'm sorry that you're raising a child again when you were at a point where you could move on to another stage of life. Your daughter is so young. 17 is a selfish age in general. Some kids learn to be responsible and grow up fast in situations like this but others never do. It's possible she's going through post pardum depression but she'd need to seek professional help to diagnose that. It's also possible she resents her baby and thinks she ruined her life. In either case, it sounds like you will need to be this baby's 'mother' at least for now. If things don't change, maybe you can consider legal guardianship of her. Good luck to you. I really hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Angela - posted on 09/15/2010

It is sad - but perhaps the baby shouldn't be around her. Perhaps the baby deserves to be with a family that cannot have children. Don't get angry at my response... but I have aneice who just gave her baby up for adoption - the most selfless thing on this planet. And beautiful. It has to be hard for the grandparents, too - but what is really right for the children (yours and hers...)

Janice - posted on 09/15/2010

Of course, your first concern is your grandbaby. So there needs to be some ground rules.Tell your daughter, no screaming at the baby at all or any other type of abuse. Tell her no one person deserves abuse---when she hurts her child she is also hurting herself because in the end she does feel guilty about that behaviour and all she needs to feel with herself and baby is joy and love. The more they feel these emotions the better they will do in their daily routine. Point out continually the positive and beautiful things that the baby has that is like your daughter because this will help your daughter. Your daughter is a baby herself but tell your daughter to figure out what her daughter needs and concentrate of filling those needs and when her child is sleeping to journal her feelings constantly because if she does not she will not find resolve.

Maria - posted on 09/15/2010

I'm so sorry to hear about your stuggle but am glad to hear this little girl has a grandmother like you in her life.

I wanted to point out to you that a lot of what you discribed sounds like Postpartum depression. I would recommend talking to someone that has experience with PPD. Check out www.choicesinchildbirth.org. On the home page you can put in your zip code and find someone in your area that offers postpartum care. Your daughter may be crying for help herself. It's hard enough being a mom in an "ideal" situation. I can only imagine what it's like being in high school etc. Now add hormones on it and bam you got some depression. It happens to the best of us and is no reflection on you or her as a mother. PPD is easily treated. Hang in there. Your doing a great job grandma!
M

Kristin - posted on 09/15/2010

Well I don't wanna take sides here but I was in the same situation as Gloria's daughter, I was 17 when I had my son ( who is now 18). I didn't bond with my son then, and I still don't know why, I am thinking it was because I recented him at the time, I mean I loved him and wanted him but it was a big inconvenince to me at the time, now I have a wonderful relationship with my son and have for many many years.

But as many other post have said, I think you need to take over rights to thst baby for her safty, my mom did it for me and I was very greatful to her for that, not at the time but I am now because my son is w3ho he is today because of her. DO WHATS BEST FOR THAT BABY!!!!

Jacki - posted on 09/15/2010

I don't think you can force her to bond. ANd I think that yelling and throwing a ft will only seperate her more. Maybe if you explain that it's her baby and if she will not take care of her then she needs to get a job and pay you child support as well. I know it is probably hard for you to be in this situation. But that baby needs you to protect her, even if it is from your daughter. When things settle down at a time, take that time to bond with your daughter over helping with the baby. She might feel as though her baby is taking you away from her, and is resentful. Maybe hire a sitter one day and take your daughter out for lunch and have a good time. THen when you come home have a discussion and figure out what she truly wants to do in life and with her baby. It may surprise you or anger you. BUt you will need to take it all in with out yerlling or getting upset. Write down who will do what and if she doesn't comply then she needs to get a job and pay you to take care of her. Maybe after you stay calm for a while and rememeber that your daughter is your daughter she might come around. But yelling will only make things worse.

Kathy - posted on 09/15/2010

First of all take her to the doctor. Have her thyroid checked and then have her screened for post-partum depression. Have a doctor do it and not a counselor. I had post-partum thyrodosiswith my first son and if I had not had it checked it would have developed into depression. I knew the signs with my second and was able to control things before they got out of whack. I never really feel as though I bonded as closely with the first child as I did with the second.

Megan - posted on 09/15/2010

I was 17 years old when I had my first daughter. And now (not then) I will be the first to admit I was not a great mother. I was fortunate enough to have the father in the picture. We have now been married 12 years, but it hasn't been easy, and some of it has been hell (but so is all marriage). I know that after I had my daughter, I felt ashamed, dirty, and quite frankly, I felt like a whore. I don't care what society says about sex before marriage being ok, because me and every other girl I've talked to felt worthless and dirty afterward. It took nearly 10 years for me to overcome that feeling. Not to mention being a 'teen mom.' TV has sensationalized it, but it's still hard, and there is a stigma that it leaves on you that you don't sluff off easily (I was still 27 and calling myself a teen mother, and used that as an excuse for why I wasn't able to do certain things, or why I acted the way I acted. There was such freedom when I finally 'realized' that I was not a teen mom anymore). I was what you would have called a 'professional babysitter' so I knew the how's, but there were times it was just flat out overwhelming. I would sit on my bed and look at my daughter in her crib, and just cry. While I was in school, I didn't bond a whole lot with my daughter. I was determined to graduate, granted, I still cared for her needs, but I didn't really bond with her until after high school. I also struggle with depression, and I myself didn't realize it. A person can not be told they have depression until they are ready to. Once I got a grip on that things started to turn around. I did worry about how my daughter was going to be affected by my lack of mothering in her early years, but praise God, she has become a smart, intellegent, vibrant young woman of 12 years old. She is very independent, and strong, and such a kick to hang with.
I share this to give you insight to what might be going on in your daughter's head. Don't give up on her, because it sounds like she's given up on herself. She is probably starting to see the world through a parent's eyes and it's scary. She has a little one to look after, and the 'man' (if you want to call him that) who told her he loved her and would be there for her has dropped off the map. How is her social life at school doing? I bet you if it looks like it's good, it's because she's putting on a face for her friends....I did. She knows your helping and that's great. Try sitting with her and talking with her about what she wants and is needing, and if she won't talk to you find another woman she can talk to...maybe even a good friend from school.
Sometimes, I had to work myself up to care for daughter.
With everything that's going on, I would follow up with her doctor. It really does sound like post-pardum. Post pardum can be dangerous even for the most caring of mothers. It could be that she wants to care, but is scared to. My best friend had it to the point where she would lock herself in the bathroom and call her husband because she was scared to be home alone with the kids. She even hated giving the baby a bath for fear of what she might do. They finally got her in to a psychologist, and on anti-depresants. She now is having the time of her life with her 3 kids.
I'll say it again...don't give up hope on her, because it's sounds like she's given up on herself, and feels like everyone else has given up on her. Try not to throw a fit with her to care for her daughter, but try giving her some down time after school to unwind. And then bring her daughter in with you, and just strike up a conversation about how HER day went (while you are holding her child). No fighting, just try to open up communication, and keep it light at first. Let her bring up the harder topics. Then just gently work her into helping with the baby. She may see it as you're a mom, so you can take care of it. Start with having her play with the baby while you take a shower, or cook dinner. My youngest daughter is 3 months old and it can still be grueling sometimes, but playtime is the best. That will help her and her daughter bond. Changing diapers and feeding will follow suit. Let her see her daughter's joyful side. And make sure you're out of the room, or your grand daughter will see you and want you. Let them rediscover (or discover) each other again. And playtime is the perfect way.
It may be slow, and painful, but it will get better.
I'll be praying for you,
A former teen-mom

Jill - posted on 09/15/2010

Kaylan, there is actually a chemical reaction when you have skin to skin contact at birth that causes the bonding. Apart from that love is a choice you make, it is a daily decision, no one else can make that decision for you. If the gal that had the baby doesn't choose to love her child and her mom doesn't want or isn't capable of loving and taking care of the baby, than the kindest thing they could do would be to place the child in a home where she is desperately wanted. There are lots of families out there that want children but can't have them for one reason or another. Adoption doesn't have to mean you will never see your child, or even grandchild again any more. Some adoptions even will allow the birth parents/grandparents to participate on some level in the child's life.

Kaylan - posted on 09/15/2010

Jill: I kind of agree...I didn't breastfeed all of my children, but there is still a very strong bond between us, I wanted my kids from the date of conception and I love them more than I love anything else in this world. Although breastfeeding does create a strong bond between mother and child, nurturing and caring for the child does exactly the same, which is the point. children don't know love until it's shown to them, and no matter what ways in which parents do so, it all matters. But in this case, it seems like the mother of this particular child carried the baby only because it seemed right to do so, and then dumped the baby off on her mother when she was born. I don't mean to sound callous or anything, It's just that the situation at hand is a little confusing and very saddening...

Jill - posted on 09/15/2010

I suspect that this lack of bonding started as the baby was being born. If a mom doesn't hold the baby and start breast feeding right away, it has been my experience, that mom will more easily detach from the little one. In order for her to learn to love this child (and she may not ever love the child) she needs to want to love her. This may be a hard thing to hear, but you might talk to your daughter about giving the little one up for adoption now rather than torturing her for the rest of her life with a mom who resents her. There are lots of places you can go for open adoptions...just a thought.

Kaylan - posted on 09/15/2010

Sounds a bit like postpartum depression. Having a baby is stressful, it's a new and demanding responsibility, added to that of school and her social life, especially with her being a teenager, can cause her to feel overwhelmed and depressed. Screaming at her won't help, and if talking to her is not helping and she's still refusing to spend time with her daughter, then maybe it is time to seek counseling. She might be afraid that she doesn't know how to deal with a baby, and she may have a fear of being a "bad" parent. It's an absolutely normal fear, and we as parents have all gone thru it. Children don't come with instruction manuals, and it's hard work, but it's also rewarding. If you feel that she is a threat to her own child, then you might have to take care of the baby yourself...but counseling is still an option, she may just need a bit of a wake up call...I hope this helps, even if only a little...

Amy - posted on 09/15/2010

Thanks Laureen for sharing from your experience. Every new mom needs support. I think the expectation women place on women to "just get" being a mother is a bit unfair. She has never done this before AND telling her what she should do is keeping her in a mothered role rather than that of becoming a mother. Also, new moms of any age can experience a lack of interest and anger toward the baby which definitely points toward postpartum depression to me. PPD does not just show up in the first 6 weeks postpartum it can rear it's ugly head any time within that first year. I know that this situation is hard for both grandma and mom. You both need some grace and lovin'. Hoping that you find it and can offer it to one another. :o)

Dana - posted on 09/15/2010

You are wonderful for being there for them both. My immediate and short response would be... you need to be the one setting the example for your daughter. Make sure you are loving, patient, friendly, accepting and non-judgmental and unconditional in your love for them both. I know it is a big task... but they need you. Love them! Smile A LOT! (especially when you do not feel like it) It will help! Unconditional love is the answer to everything!

Debbie - posted on 09/15/2010

I had my daughter at 15. I am now 23 and she is 7 and a half. I can tell you from personal experience that it is unlikely she will suddenly change. My biological mother had me at 16 and dumped me on her parents eventually. I do not have a relationship with her now although she claims to love me. She still says and does hurtful things to me when I don't act exactly how she wants me to. From my experience with her I chose to prove that I could do things a million times better than she ever did from day 1. Being a mother yourself you know that most if not all mothers bond with their babies from the womb and the bond only gets stronger with time. I am watching my sister go through a similar situation. She is not even a teen. She is 21 years old and had her son last year but he lives with us. She does not give any money to help support him or anything. She says she loves him and comes to visit once in a while but other than that takes on no real motherly responsibilties. My best advice is to watch the situation carefully and some day you may either have to fight her for custody if she refuses to sign over her rights but won't take care of her child or she may just give her child up willingly. I hope that I am wrong and the situation turns out much better than my experiences, but regardless of the father's participation in a child's life, that does not affect how a mother feels about her child. Her feelings are her own and she needs to own that. Again, I have had a LOT of experience in this area personally so feel free to talk to me any time.

Kelly - posted on 09/15/2010

Just because your daughter is a mommy now, doesn't change the fact that she is just 17. Being a parent is a huge responsibility for adults, imagine how overwhelming it must feel to a child. It sounds to me like she is handling her feelings the way all 17 year olds handle things that overwhelm them...they ignore them or get angry and vent their frustrations by slamming doors, shutting down, etc.

Perhaps the best course of action is to try and do things together with your daughter and Alexis and make it fun. Start out doing it for just a few minutes right after school each day, going longer and longer each time. And not the "chores" of taking care of the baby when she first gets home...she's been at "school" all day, which to a teenager is equivalent to "work"! ha ha! So, maybe spend a few minutes singing itsy bitsy spider, or some other age appropriate fun activity and then let your daughter unwind from her day a little bit - for maybe an hour - and then start engaging her in the taking care of Alexis. Stay with her and feed the baby together, give the baby a bath together - bringing a camera to take pictures of her and the baby getting a bath or just snuggling, looking at a book, or playing with a toy is a good way to make it fun instead of a job.

I think it's possible if she's not feeling completely overwhelmed, she won't want to just put Alexis down and walk away. She's also probably feeling like it's the baby's fault (subconsciously) that she is no longer with Alexis' father. She may be feeling some resentment - not to mention heart break - that he's left her to fend for herself in taking care of Alexis and no longer wants her.

There's a lot going on here. The problems you are describing are just the immediate results of her emotional state.

Hang in there Grandma. Enjoy the time you get to bond with your grand baby. In time, Alexis will bond with her mommy and you will have established a special relationship with her that she will cherish forever. And I know that first hand. My grandmother died over 30 years ago...and I still get choked up when I see her picture or try to talk about her.

Sending all three of you hugs!!!

Alma - posted on 09/15/2010

I was 18 when my oldest son was born so I can give you a little from your daughters side. Right now she is probably hurting from the fact the guy she was in love with and gave her this beautiful little baby is not showing her that he cares for her anymore and that hurts. when she looks at her little girl, she probably sees him and that hurts so she is taking out her hurt and anger on the baby by ignoring her. as far as being afraid she would hurt the baby, i feel she just needs to be shown that there are other ways to handle being stressed and overwhelmed han yelling at the baby. try to ask her to help you with while you are cooking dinner by holding the baby in the kitchen and talking to her or have her help with giving her a bath... lead by example.. let her see how you handle stress and a crying baby ... maybe she will come around and talk about how she is feeling. it took me longer to truly bond with my oldest son than it did with my other children, but it did happen. i hope this helps.

April - posted on 09/15/2010

The poor thing (mom) has a serious case of depression and is probably so overwhelmed she doesn't know where to begin or even how to ask for help for it. Subsequently it manifests itself in the form of apathy for the baby.

If you try many of these excellent suggestions from the other posters and they all fail, you may have to come to terms with a very sad reality: Either put the baby up for adoption or raise it yourself. The baby deserves the very best for her, even if it breaks your heart.

Our thoughts are with you, Gloria, because I simply cannot imagine being in this hard place. Good luck to you.

Tara - posted on 09/15/2010

At one of our local school in Hazel Park, MI, we have a special program for Teen Mom's. They learn how to be parents and support one another in the morning. Then they go to school for the rest of the day. This really helps the Mom's. Perhaps you should find support groups in your area that your daughter could go to. Play dates with other teen mom's, maybe even with the grandparents. Maybe you should start one if there is not one in your area.

Kathleen - posted on 09/15/2010

Good Morning Gloria,
May God bless you with infinite wisdom & guidance! You nor anyone can make a bond that is not there! Many women become mothers; and yet have no bonds with their own babies! I know because I am raising my 2 nieces! After a long custody battle, I was given permanent custody with a no contact order for the biological mother! She had admitted to me that there was no bond; and she was pretending to keep my brother in check! After my brother left her anyway, she became extremely abusive to the then 3 yr. old and the new born baby girl! They were either to be "used" or they were a problem in her lifes' plans! So she forced bleach water into their tiny bodies, beat the 3 year old like the girl was a full grown man, ect... This is her 3 rd child she has abandoned and abused! Now she is playing with a fourth daughter she just had last year! Again, there is no bond there and she will eventually hurt this child too. As a family we ask God to protect this new sister every single day! For these reasons, and the fact I also met another teen mom years ago, who was the exact same, I am convinced no-one can heal what is broken by nature- only God can help that bonding issue! Please take control of your grand babys' future and adopt him soon! Give Alexis a chance at knowing unconditional love! You and your daughter and grand baby are in my familys' prayers! God bless you!
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

Julie - posted on 09/15/2010

Bonding is more important than anybody thinks - unless you've raised a child who didn't have that bonding as a baby. If a baby never bonds, it actually creates a problem in their brain. That is where so many of the children who end up in foster care are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. They were never taken care of and protected as an infant and therefore have no attachment to anybody. Hold that baby, cuddle and make her safe. Whether the mother won't or can't isn't the issue - somebody HAS to show the baby the love and affection she needs to feel safe. I'm raising a child who did not have this for the first three years of her life - our future is not a bright one.

Sheila - posted on 09/15/2010

Gloria, if I might ask how old are you...? I must say that everyone looks at their situation differently, I know. I personally got pregnant at 19, had three children by the time I was 23. And yes did I want my mom to take care of them sure, but she was very stern and did not do it for me she helped direct me, showed me what to do but she let the responsibility be mine.I am now 50 yrs old and I have a sucessful 30yr old, 29 yr old 28 yr old. And I have a 14 yr old. I try to talk to her all the time now letting her know what I expect from her, will I get something different then what I expect I don't know. But she knows that without a shadow of a doubt that I will not be made to take care of another child because you can't get it together. I am currently the grandmother of 4, all 5 and under, and not one of my children have ever come to me looking for me to do anything but what I want to when it comes to my grandchildren. I truly feel for you because I feel that being a grandparent should be a priviiledge and not a chore. You should be able to enjoy your granddaughter on your terms, not terms of your daughter. I thank my mother for giving me that tough love, it was the best thing she could have ever done for me because it made me be what I needed to be a mother to my children. If she had done different I really feel that it would have made me be nothing but irresponsible, and always looking for someone to bail me out. Im quite sure that it made my mom feel a little guilty but she held her ground because she knew what was best for me. Lastly I just want to ask you...What if something was to happen to you...? Who do you think will step up and do what you do for your granddaughter? That is why you have to prepare your daughter and teach her to be responsible for her own child....I've always tried to raise my children preparing them to take care of themselves because i never wanted them to be dependent on others to take care of them, not even me. To me that is the best love you can give your child. Be Strong

Patricia - posted on 09/15/2010

it's probably too late but brestfeeding is the most beautiful bonding experience.
having a baby is a horrendously painful thing especially to go through it alone without a loving father's support. i imagine she has untapped rage from all the pain she's gone through and if she doesn't like the father how can she like the baby who is half him? or, if he rejected her as a woman we take that as we are rejectionable. anger management might help if she won't go you could go we all have issues to deal with and perhaps you could help her find the love and patience that's there. God Bless her she's your baby and she has to be first so that the infant can have her needs met.

Sheila - posted on 09/15/2010

Gloria, if I might ask how old are you...? I must say that everyone looks at their situation differently, I know. I personally got pregnant at 19, had three children by the time I was 23. And yes did I want my mom to take care of them sure, but she was very stern and did not do it for me she helped direct me, showed me what to do but she let the responsibility be mine.I am now 50 yrs old and I have a sucessful 30yr old, 29 yr old 28 yr old. And I have a 14 yr old. I try to talk to her all the time now letting her know what I expect from her, will I get something different then what I expect I don't know. But she knows that without a shadow of a doubt that I will not be made to take care of another child because you can't get it together. I am currently the grandmother of 4, all 5 and under, and not one of my children have ever come to me looking for me to do anything but what I want to when it comes to my grandchildren. I truly feel for you because I feel that being a grandparent should be a priviiledge and not a chore. You should be able to enjoy your granddaughter on your terms, not terms of your daughter. I thank my mother for giving me that tough love, it was the best thing she could have ever done for me because it made me be what I needed to be a mother to my children. If she had done different I really feel that it would have made me be nothing but irresponsible, and always looking for someone to bail me out. Im quite sure that it made my mom feel a little guilty but she held her ground because she knew what was best for me. Lastly I just want to ask you...What if something was to happen to you...? Who do you think will step up and do what you do for your granddaughter? That is why you have to prepare your daughter and teach her to be responsible for her own child....I've always tried to raise my children preparing them to take care of themselves because i never wanted them to be dependent on others to take care of them, not even me. To me that is the best love you can give your child. Be Strong

Theresa - posted on 09/15/2010

I understand its hard to be 17 and a new mom, it is very overwhelming(I myself was 17 when I had my son, and his father left us when my son was only 4 months old...his family moved away and he went with them saying that he had nothing here where I live)...if she was screaming at the child, it may not have been because of something the child was doing but out of anger to the baby's daddy(not very nice I know, but it seems to me that she is too young to be a mom)...hate to say this but if the baby is always wanting you, why not tell your daughter to let you raise it and she can think of the baby as her sister(I also had a friend who had a baby that she wasn't ready for and her mom and dad raised him)

Zelda - posted on 09/15/2010

Please get full custody of the child. She may be dealing with PPD but instead of waiting it out you need to take action to protect yourself and above all the child. My sister had a child at the same age. She did little bonding with the child and my parents took on the responsibility of raising the child. My sister continued all her HS activities and never took on the responsibilities of being a MOM. She later married someone other than the father and he turned out to be abusive to my sister & the niece. You do not want DHS involved! If your daughter does not show interest in the child within the next few months then you will have to use tough love. Your last option is adoption as hard as that may be to choose. There are so many childless couples that would be able to provide the child with all the her needs. Many would even agree to an open adoption. What a great person you are Gloria and how blessed this child is to have you.

Rebecca - posted on 09/15/2010

I was 18 when I had my first child. Through out my pregnancy I was really excited about being a mom. When she arrived things were good for a while then reality set in. I guess I got depressed and wanted to live like a "normal" teenager. Especially after her father and I devorced and I had to move back in with parents. My mom stepped in and took over where I wasn't. I didn't know what to do some times and if it was already done why would I do it? I became more and more distant with my daughter. She bonded with my mother and less so with me. She still has a strong bond with my mother but I did grow up and start taking responsibility. Her age is a factor. She may not admit it or even believe it (I didn't) but it is. Are you really conserned that your daughter would hurt the baby? My mom said that about me but there is no way I would ever hurt my or anyone's child. I got frustrated and did yell, which isn't good and I learned to control, but I would not hurt kids and she knew that. Some lessons have to learned the hard way. My mom would always pack the diaper bag. When she stopped it was up to me. I forgot things. I had to learn to remember what I needed on my own. Some times that meant making baby wipes out of TP and water. Or buying another bottle of gas drops while I was out. Go slow, don't push her it makes her go further away. Do things with her and the baby. But let her handle the baby stuff. But don't be bossy. Like say you go out and notice the baby needs changed, don't just take her and change her, casually mention that "honey, I think she's wet". The words you choose have a great effect. Trust me. Put it in a way that sounds like you're unsure of the baby's needs and only her mom can solve it. Be patient and put more and more responsibility on her. She will come around. Some people don't though. Only you really know your situation. I did. It took some practice. I'd suggest therapy for depression. It's hard being mom. It's harder being a teen mom. She probably feels all alone and like nothing she does is right. Try don't stuff just the two of you. Don't even mention the baby, unless she does. Show her you still love her and treat her like an adult.

Jessica - posted on 09/15/2010

I think you need to get her to a doctor pronto! She sounds like she might need some medication for depression. In young people depression tends to come out as anger. It's easy for people to tell you that you should give the child up for adoption but the reality is that legally you can't do that. You are not this child's mother and only a parent, not a grandparent, can give up a child. Give your daughter some time. She may come around, if not it will be you raising the baby.

I was raised by my grandparents because my mother had me when she was young, and moreover she is a nasty horrible person. I love and appreciate my grandparents so much. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them. Just keep that in mind.

Faye - posted on 09/15/2010

If she was not a teen, I would say it might sound like she has post pardon depression. I would suggest taking her to a therapist (not just school counselor) and also finding out if there are any resources for teen mothers in the area, a lot of group homes for teen mothers have groups that people not living there can attend. It often helps to talk to others in the same experience. If she will talk to you about it you might want to discuss the reality of being a teen mother / having a baby & the unrealistic expectation that it will be all fun having a cute baby.

Koren - posted on 09/15/2010

since it's been 4 months and you've probably bonded with the child, I would say adopt the child for yourself. Although, I have a 17 and 18 year old and they both KNOW that they wouldnt have had the child. If you havent bonded I would say put the child up for adoption.

Kate - posted on 09/15/2010

Having been a young mom I'll tell you its not easy to deal with the reality... you think its going to be sunshine and roses no matter how many warnings you get before the baby comes but its a HUGE hit when all your friends get to go places and do things, when they don't have stretch marks and spit up on their clothes, you figure you'll never get a boyfriend again and that all the dreams you had for yourself are dead... Everyone knows about postpartum depression and you might really want to talk to her about that... that there really is a way to make things not feel so bad, find some support of people that actually were or are teen mom's too because in my experience it only made it worse when my mom would tell me I wasn't doing something right no matter how small of a thing... it made me hate her and want to run, not just walk, away from my baby not because I didn't love him because I did/do more than ANYTHING in the world but because I didn't feel like I could ever do it right or give him a good life no matter what... I still feel bad for all the times that I would yell at my son when he was too little to even know what I was saying but I never would have hurt him and NEVER came close.



Small add on here... I'm trying to really talk from the heart of my own personal experience but I am also a counselor for teens and have counseled dozens of girls in this situation and I'd say almost all felt VERY similar to what I did.

Tabitha - posted on 09/15/2010

Tiffany
i have to agree with u i'm considered a "teen mom" and i also have a lot of friends that are as well. i chose to keep my baby and have sacrificed allot that teens these days do, however a few of my friends who kept there baby's have decided to use the whole "i'm a teen mom, n i wanna go out with my friends n get drunk n not take care of my kid" with a few of them it has gotten to the point where their kids have been taken away by the grandparents for a few weeks, those one's learnt how empty life is with out baby.

and Gloria
just tell her that if she doesn't try to be baby's mom she might just lose her, thats what my mom did to me when she thought i could be doing more. it worked for me i didn't wanna lose my boy. And i'll bet you anything she doesn't want to lose her girl.

Tabi

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2010

I'm a house parent for a teen moms and their babies goup home, and its sounds like because she knows you are there to do everything and she can count on you as the mom she is going to and have little to do with her daugther. Think about getting her into some parenting classes and maybe a goup home for teen moms and their babies.

Morven - posted on 09/15/2010

There is a very good Homeopathic remedy called Lac Humanum (made from mothers breast milk), which is very good for all mother bonding issues and helps to bring nurturance to both mother and child. I recommend a 30c daily for at least 6 weeks. This should help. Purchased from any Homeopathic Pharmacy.

Tiara - posted on 09/15/2010

she could be a lil depressed i just had my baby at 19 and altough i didnt take it ut on my baby i took it out on my babys father,being so young u feel as if you lost everything in her case her youth her body and her boyfriend. hopefully she'll come around just give her a lil more time . if she dont come around in a few months tell her that your gonna take her court so she can turn over her rights.and you raise the baby, the baby shouldnt have a"mom" that neglects her. its not fair to her. but you should kick your daugther out when she comes of age. you shouldnt have to take care of her if she dosent want to take care of her daughter.

Marceia - posted on 09/15/2010

Good response! I totally agree.

Sheila - posted on 09/15/2010

I think that this young lady is upset because the father is not involved as much as she wanted, and like a lot of teenagers she thought that having this baby was going to bring the two of them closer together, when she was faced with the reality that it didn't now she is angry at the baby for not serving the purpose the abby was intended. I am an old school mom and believe in tough love. First of all you have to realize that she is manipulating you, because she can plain and simple. yes you must be concerned about your granddaughter, she knows you are and that is why she is doing this because she knows that you will fold.I am assuming that you did have a conversation with her before she had the baby letting her know how difficult it was going to be to raise a child, and If there was rules and understanding as to what your responsibility was going to be, to assist her and not take care of HER responsibility. I agree with the statement that as parents we should stop giving out children excuses to cling to about being a teen, and still having to mature. She can no longer be look at as a "KID" because she has made an ADULT move and of which she now has to act like an adult and take care of her child. I would give her a choice of either she takes on the responsibility of motherhood with your assistance, or she would have to go, because you should not take care of the two of them. It may seem harsh, but its called life and regardless to whether the father ever comes around the ultimate responsibilty will always be on her to take care of her child. Love your grandchild, Love your daughter, but teach her responsibility,but don't give her an eay out because this is what she chose and now she has to live with the consequences. Maybe she needs to take parenting classes, and I agree that she may need to be checked out for postpartum depression. Hope that helps.

Susan - posted on 09/15/2010

Hi Gloria. This is all really sad. I've just taken in my daughter's best friend who, at 18, is pregnant and homeless and I can picture a similar thing happening here if we're not careful.
You don't mention the input of any health professionals? In the UK we have Health Visitors and Social Workers who can step in and help in these sort of situations. Taking the baby away is always a last resort as it is better to keep families together but these people could support you.
I agree with all the other comments. In my experience one cannot make teenagers do anything and the more you push, the more likely she is to push in the opposite direction.
This sounds like a situation where professional help is needed. If all else fails, like everyine else is saying, become the baby's official guardian and accept that you are the primary carer or offer her up for adoption as there are many childless people who would love her fully. Much love - hope all improves for you soon. Sue

Kuuleme - posted on 09/15/2010

Have you had your daughter checked out for Postpartum Depression? I ran into this a lot when I was a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy. My step daughter went through something like this as well. Definitely have her see a doctor, you don't want something like that to go on for very long without treatment. If you're already having concerns about your daughters safety or the babies, definitely take her to a doctor asap. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Melissa - posted on 09/15/2010

Probably too late you did too much for her in the beginning and has decided the child is a burden she doesn't want even though you're the one raising her. I'm sure (I hope) she is driven partly by guilt knowing she isn't doing right by the child. Raising a child is hard under the best circumstances, she chose to have sex and I'm glad she chose to keep the child however it sounds like you either have to accept that YOU are the babies mother and she the "sister" or give the child up for adoption. What ever happens you cann't let her take her regrets out on the baby (I'm sure a small part of her hoped that if she kept the child the babies daddy would "see the light" and come back..unfortunately it doesn't happen like that.) Its a difficult situation but the more you do the less responsibility she has and when you try to "force" her to do it, she takes it out on the child... Like I said, and I am sorry about your situation, it's probably too late....

Michelle - posted on 09/15/2010

It sounds like she may have post natal depression take her to your doctor and get some help for your daughter. she may still be overwelmed with the fact that she is a mum and she may not want ro do anything because she's afraid she will get it wrong, i know what it can be like i was 18 when i had my son and went back to college when he was only 5 months old which was really hard as i would be tired by the time i came home but then i stikll had to do everything for my son. maybe sitting down and having a heart to heart with her may help too.

Alison - posted on 09/15/2010

Stop being the babies mother and report your daughter to the authorities. That baby needs consistency and stability. Why should the baby suffer until your daughter wakes up?

Bonding isn't something that can be forced and it is harder for young parents because they are surrounded by negative attitudes about their situations.

How do you get a 30year old woman to bond with her child??? It doesn't happen because of the age of the parent

Twanna - posted on 09/14/2010

Tough love is something we never want to give our kids, but sounds like she needs a dose! I was a teen mom, i was 16 when my son was born & in the same situation. My mom would not keep my son or take care of him for me. I soon had to realize that if I didn't take care of him nobody would. Mom threatened me with the police & social services. If this doesn't work, then either take the baby & raise her, cutting your daughter loose or if you can't raise the baby adoption may be the best option for her. Hope everything goes well....

Sandi - posted on 09/14/2010

My daughter was 19 when she had her baby,she and my grand daughter stayed with us. I was here to help guide her and let her do alot on her own,Dad is in the picture,but is on the lazy side and he more then the baby stresses her more. ButI think with me just putting my foot down and helping guide her, she has turned out to be a GREAT Mom.

Hayley - posted on 09/14/2010

I was lucky I was 17 when i fell pregnant and 18 when i had brooke, her father is still with us both, and helps out with everything, have you thought about taking her to see people that have given their baby up for adoption and how some of them regret it. it might make her change her mind about turning away from her x

Brie - posted on 09/14/2010

check if she is bi polar

Katherine - posted on 09/14/2010

I was adopted. The important thing to remember is this is about what's best for the little one. there is nothing in this world that lingers longer in the heart than the knowledge of a feeling that someone isn't interested in being in my life. I'm sorry for you.