How do you get Bio Mom to let Bio Dad see child?

Amber - posted on 04/28/2012 ( 40 moms have responded )

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The Bio Mom of my husband's 9yr old son isn't very cooperative in letting him see his son. He calls when it is his weekend and she says " he doesn't want to talk to you " or " we already have plans" or "he is old enough to make his own decisions and doesn't want to come". This hurts my husband very badly and he has always been there for his son. We only live 18 miles away and he has tons of family that loves him and wants to see him also. The bio mom has always had hard feelings towards him and I since they divorced and he and I married 8 years ago. I have always made an effort to stay out of the picture knowing she doesn't like me ( I have 2 wonderful boys myself ages 16, 22) and do not talk to her because in the past she has been very negative in front of all children involved. She has also remarried and has another child and the situation "appears" in my eyes as though she wants to paint this picture of a perfect family with her husband and their son and my husband's son by badmouthing my husband saying he has no interest in him and is a bad father because he left them. It's a very hurtful situation to us and without spending $$$$$ we don't have to go to court with lawyers, how in the world does he get to see him? He has ignored her rantings on the phone, asked nicely, begged, and continues to this day to stay nice however hateful she is and calls every weekend despite her hatefulness. Please help us! anything at this point after nine years is helpful.. Thanks.

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Maggie - posted on 05/01/2012

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I'm in agreement. Not only is she in comtempt of court and should be held accountable for that. There is another motion that can be filed as well it's called motion to enforce visitation. This can usually gets addressed quickly. The courts don't like it when the fundamentals rights of the child are violated or another parent is trying to cause any type of alienation to the other parent. You can also contact Legal aid services of Oklahoma. This organization helps with legal problems for free or low cost with persons meeting certain guidelines.

[deleted account]

Get an attorney and file a claim in family court that she is violating the visitation agreement. Make sure you document everything.

Lacey - posted on 05/01/2012

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There is a DAD in ms and tn I know but not sure about OK. Its Dads Against Discrimination, an organization that advocates father's rights. You def need to go to the police station and file a report every time he is refused contact or visitation. There should be in his original parenting plan a scheduled phone time as well as visitation, usually 2x per week. Her excuses that he doesn't want to come are not valid because most states require that the child be 13 before they are allowed into any decision making reguarding the other parent. There is alot he can do its just gonna take some research and time on your part. Good luck! Personally I think its incredibly detrimental to the child to keep the parent from him. Maybe thats because my dad chose not to be around so I know exactly what it feels like to not be wanted and loved by a parent. Just think of everything she is telling your husband and then imagine what all kinds of stuff she is telling his son... She should be ashamed of herself but karma is the B you can't run from and one day their son will be old enough to understand EXACTLY what is going on and what has been happening for years. Tell your husband to not give up. His son will come around when he realizes it.

Sara - posted on 05/01/2012

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First and foremost, She is in contempt of court. It isn't loads of money to file a contempt of order complaint, my husband has done it. It doesn't really take a lawyer to say this is what's in the law and she has violated it. She will have to stand in front of a judge and explain herself or as in our case, she will settle out of court to save face. Secondly, You need to start looking into father's rights groups as well as learning about Parental Alienation. Loads of info on the internet. My favorite for Dad's rights:http://www.squidoo.com/FathersRightsInfo... This moderator is incredibly informative and knowledgeable of state laws. http://parentalalienationsupport.com/ I have found loads of support and information on facebook including step moms against parental alienation which I am a part of. Thirdly, document these conversations with BM as much as possible. Only communicate via email if possible. Take screen shots of what she is saying on facebook. Remain in as much contact with his son as you can and never show what the mom says to be true and mostly don't ever badmouth her in retaliation. I know that seems obvious but it can be hard when your SS tells you a bold faced lie his mom told him about you. I've had to learn to be creative..."Mommy must be mistaken" Bottom line, your husband has rights. You have to push for him follow through with it. It most likely won't take a ton of trips to go to court. She will get tired of losing money in the process and she will quickly learn who has a case and who doesn't (her).



The most money we spent was on actually changing the court order. I know it's terrible you have to pay money to file, but it's not a fee that breaks the bank when you want to file a complaint. All you do is go to your local court building or as in our case, we can download the documents we need to file and mail them in. That's all and it was like a $50 fee.

Sarah - posted on 04/30/2012

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In California, you would need to file a request for modification of the visitation with the court to get a hearing. They would make you see a mediator and then the judge would rule.

However, if there is already a court order for visitation, I don't understand why he is calling at all?? He should show up at the time his visitation is supposed to be and knock on the door. The reality of the situation might be as she says it is, but it might be something totally different. Example: She MAY be telling you the child said no and telling the child you said no. Problem solved for her, right?? If it's only 18 miles, it's certainly not too far to drive to find out one way or the other.

In California, if you have a court order for visitation and she doesn't surrender the child, you are well within your rights to call the police and they will come and assist you in getting her to surrender the child for a visit. But, even if she refuses the officers and dad doesn't get to see the child the first time or two, it lets the child know that dad wants to see him and comes when he says he will. Also, in California, the recommendation for the child to dictate when and if visitation happens starts at 13, not 9.

Another idea I had was that maybe Dad could show up at child's school right before lunchtime with child's fave food. He could say something like, "I know you were busy this weekend, but I really wanted to see you and thought we might have lunch together today." Of course he needs to bring proof he is the father, and doesn't need to take child off campus or anything, just two people having a yummy lunch together. At the end of the day, the most important thing is finding a way to get face to face with the child so you can judge how the child really feels and what the child really wants.

Best of luck to you!! This kind of situation is so hard. My daughter is 16 and we went to court the first time before she was born. It's scary to go without a lawyer, but you don't really need one. You can do it!! And, it is worth it! Especially if it means a relationship with your child!!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/03/2012

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The only way to get anything changed is to take her back to court for violation of court orders. Your husband's attorney should be able to handle that.

Ashley - posted on 12/03/2012

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take her back to court. make sure you document every thing, every phone call, every attempt to visit, every time she denies his visitation.

Amber - posted on 06/01/2012

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no, no custody issue at all regarding him not being able to see his son. it is only the bio Mom that is preventing this. the past weekend he called and talked to his son ( actually got to talk to him on the phone!!) woohoo!! and in the background he could hear the bio Mom saying " tell your Dad you are tired and don't want to go" and so the kid said yeah I want to come over, but Mom says I'm tired so I prob. shouldn't come. maybe next time. I should get some rest, I'm tired" My husband told him he cold take a nap when he got here and child said " I think my Mom wants me to stay, so I'll come some other time." In other words, Mom is playing the Do as I tell you card with no encouragement. :(. Bio Dad has NEVER done anything to disrupt, hurt or in anyway alienate his rights. He has always done the right thing. Calls every weekend, sometimes during the week, and other times- just to TRY to talk to his son. Only to be told he is busy or old enough to make up his own mind.

Keri - posted on 05/31/2012

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You may need the court. You have been good at staying out of it, and you should keep doing that. Is there a custody issue that involves him not being able to see his son anymore? Also, no 9 year old is old enough to make their own decisions. My sister-in-law and her ex have issues regarding their son - mostly the woman he married doesn't want anything to do with their son (who is 5) and my nephew gets very angry and upset when he has to go there.

Jenn - posted on 05/05/2012

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Amber— First of all your welcome! Second off what the Cops can do is document her not following a Court Order, then you get a copy of the Police Report and take it with you before the Judge. She will be held in Contempt of Court, and it will go from there. I'm writing this to you from personal experience. Yes every case is different but the law is the same.

Amber - posted on 05/04/2012

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Thanks Jenn, but as I mentioned- the cops say it's a civil matter here. We live in Oklahoma. The same things happens here as in FL because all they say is document it and there is nothing we can do, sorry. I am so grateful to all of the posts here. I must say you all have given me tons of great advise!!! Now I have to leave it up to my Husband- Bio Dad- to take it from here. You all are a wonderful network and have provided me a great place to come and feel like I have a ton of wonderful people who have been through a variety of situations that we can come together and share, help and support one another. I thought about closing this conversation, however- I hope that someone will be able to come here and find info that you have provided to me and find it helpful to them. Also, if /when my husband decides to take action as I can't do it ( my stepson), I would like to post results. Is this the proper way to do this? Or do I close the conversation and then am I able to come back to it? This is my first post. thanks

Jenn - posted on 05/03/2012

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Have him go to her house on his day to pick up his son make sure he brings his custody papers and have the police escort him there and to pick up his son. Make sure you have the cops come there because you ask them to be there. If she calls them your less likely to have them on your side. But if you live in FL, do not do this as the cops will say there's nothing u can do but get it documented and bring it to the courthouse and have her held in contempt of court.

Amber - posted on 05/01/2012

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Thanks, that's what is SO HARD. I know alot of Moms on here and in my everyday life that wish there was a father who cared, a father who wanted to be there, a father who should be there . Here is a Dad whose heart is breaking because he wants to be there, tries to be there and so much loves his son and cannot see him due to her selfishness and bitterness. Yes we know she tells him awful things, no we do not EVER say anything negative about her in front of him. Sadly it's been since Christmas since our last visitation though. A LONG TIME>!

Amber - posted on 05/01/2012

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He has went to lunch with the child at his school and the child loved it. However the Mom put on facebook that day that here son didn't appreciate someone showing up at school for lunch, that he was upset he couldn't sit with his friends. A complete untruth. My Mom works at the school and knows the boy was excited and talked to him afterwards so she knew and husband knew the child was happy. Mother in law does the same thing. Again child very happy. Again Mom not happy at all and told everyone she knew, facebooked, lied and told people at the school and others we know that he was SO UPSET about it. Just breaks my heart.. I'm telling you Dad has been through it all. She wants this "happy looking family" with her other child and husband, church. She lives in my hometown where everyone knows me and my parents still live and work at the school he goes too. It's very upsetting. It looks like it's going to take some research and some hard work on Dad's part to get this going. Now- gotta get Dad to look her at these responses and see there is hope out here!

Amber - posted on 05/01/2012

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And the legal age for a child to "decide whether to come or not" is 12 here in Oklahoma. If we were to go knock on here door, she would not answer, or she would not be home. She has done this SEVERAL TIMES.

Amber - posted on 05/01/2012

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One more topic to hit on is they just did away with mediation here in our county due to lack of use/ funding. :(

Amber - posted on 05/01/2012

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There is an existing custody agreement which was established during the divorce decree. It states his visitation is every other weekend, every Wed night for 3 hours, every other holiday and three full weeks during the summer. She will not bring him to designated meeting place , let alone even answer the telephone most of the time. Like I said previously- when she does answer it's hateful and she will not allow him to talk to his son , saying he doesn't want to talk or he will call you, he is busy. etc.... She doesn't care and has brought the police with her to visitation pickup saying he doesn't want to go and I am not making him. The police when there say- we are just here to stand by in case their is trouble, it's a civil matter. They won't document it, but we have.. We have documented and documented. Of course we know she has documented and documented her "own" way of thinking (all lies).
You Moms on here have had some GREAT ideas and I am going to show him your answers as a way to start getting some things started.. !!!! I have some hope for him and his son now. Thank You, Thank You!! Keep any and all suggestions coming.

Arielle - posted on 04/30/2012

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My husband and I are going through the exact same thing, down to the tax fraud. He has handled his divorce and is about to go back to court the hold her in contempt and to modify visitation; all without a lawyer. It can be done, especially since this sounds like an open/ shut case. See if you can find a legal aid organization to speak to, they can give you the paperwork to file for contempt; and do some research on the internet. My husband and I could almost be family lawyers with all we've learned along the way, lol. The great thing (that most people don't know) is that there really isn't any rhyme or reason to court paperwork. As long as it has the names and case number on it, it could be written on a napkin for all the courts care. Just keep your head up and don't get discouraged. Please feel free to contact me on FB if you would like more help :) Arielle Koester.

Michelle - posted on 04/30/2012

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Look up family access motion, it's something you file stating that you're being denied visitation without reason. There's a paperwork fee but you don't have to have an attorney.

Nicole - posted on 04/30/2012

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Go to court! If you want things to change, it has to go to court. Spend the money.

[deleted account]

Interference with custody arrangements (including visitation) is a crime in pretty much every state. It isn't a civil matter. It's a criminal matter. There may be a particular department you need to talk to. Again, look on your county and neighboring county websites. And ask grandparents to help with the legal costs. They get to see their grandchild when his father is able to exercise his visitation rights. Unfortunately, people aren't careful enough with whom they have children. Mom sounds like bad choice.

Tena - posted on 04/30/2012

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Also start reading up on father's rights and child custody and visitation for your state. All of that information should have been gone over during their divorce education seminar and would possibly be in the original decree

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2012

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Bonnie, ACLU isn't going to have a thing to do with this. Its a child, not a civil liberty.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2012

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If there is a court ordered visitation, then she's in contempt. If not, then you're going to have to spend money to get results.

But first, he needs to tell her, in no uncertain terms that if she will not abide by the existing custody agreement (if there is one), he will call family services and have their son removed from her care pending an investigation, and that she can expect another court date to revise the visitation order.

Again, if there is no visitation order in place, then your husband will need to hire an attorney and start getting his rights back.

Tena - posted on 04/30/2012

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If visitation was all ready established in the divorce decree try to call the courts and speak with a mediator also have your husband document and if possible record all conversations with her - get something like a google voice number so you have proof of the time of the calls that can be printed out to go along with the recordings. If it was me I would just show up on the given visitation time to pick the child up and with decree in hand. The worse she could do is call the police and you would already have proof of when the child was to be picked up and more proof that she was blocking visitation.

Amy - posted on 04/30/2012

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You go on his weekends call the cops file a report and bring a few reports then to court admin. they sould look at it

Heather - posted on 04/30/2012

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You go to court and get Court Ordered Visitation rights. He has the right to pick him up if he has visitation rights from the court.



Otherwise, if there is no court order in place, go pick him up and keep him, file for emergency, temp. custody right when you do this. Right before actually, and then your husband will have the control and rights over his son. You aren't going to be able to do anything at all without help from a judge. Sorry.

Bonnie - posted on 04/30/2012

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I would try and go to the ACLU as well. Since this woman is constantly contemptuous and it sounds like the main goal is to defraud your husband of his parental rights and damage the relationship of a father/son relationship, you may have other things to file against her for compensation of some sort. They may or may not help you, but they may be able to help you in pointing you in the right direction. Everyone is right though, you CAN do it on your own if you do the research and are willing to put alot of effort in it. Some courts you can ask to have the filing fee waived. Keep your chin up and put your heart into it and things will work out! Good luck!

Amber - posted on 04/30/2012

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Well darn the luck on the grandparents issue. :( and the police tell us it's a civil matter and they will not get involved sadly.

[deleted account]

Unfortunately, grandparents will not be successful asserting rights of their own. If your in-laws are willing to spend $$ on something like that, their money would be much better spent helping your husband get a lawyer to enforce visitation. He might consider challenging custody. The court will look at whether the current custodial parent is blocking visitation or facilitating it. Your husband needs to call the police and request assistance to pick his child up for visitation. The child support has nothing, absolutely NOTHING to do with visitation. Biomom couldn't legally withhold visitation if your hubby wasn't paying support, just as it does nothing to help his cause if he is paying. Most family court websites offer "how to" advise for parents attempting to avoid high cost legal bills. You aren't in a unique position. If your county doesn't have such a website, check neighboring county websites. Although procedures may vary a bit between counties, they will have to comply with the same state laws. Don't give up, and don't be afraid to ask police to help you. Good luck!!

Amber - posted on 04/30/2012

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What a good tip Lynn. An online father's rights support group, I'd have never of thought of that! i bet we will be able to surely find something like that. As far as talking to her, he tries to no avail. He calls every other weekend, sometimes every weekend, all she does is yell at him and tell him his son doesn't wanna talk to him, he doesn"t want to see him and screams in his ear on the phone. He calls to just talk to his son and she won't put him on the phone, says he won't or doesn't want to talk to him. It so heartbreaking... Thanks! I am very grateful for you Moms and your support.

Lynn - posted on 04/30/2012

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My husband and I went through 15 years of Bio Mom hell! She lives in another state, and dealing with the enormous child support payments, and visitiations has been a huge stress in our marriage. She shipped her son out tolive with us because she was too lazy to get him to do his schoolwork and actually pass a class. (I homeschooled him and he graduated early).

My husband paid thousands of dollars to a lawyer who did absolutely nothing, and he paid a LOT more child support than he should have, even after his son was living with us. The BEST thing he ever did was go to a father's righst support group that he found online. They told him that he did NOT need a lawyer at all. You can go to your local self-help center through your courthouse, and find out what you need to file, and do it yourself. They will help you with what forms you need, how to fill them out, and what info you need to include.

Look for an online father's rights support group, and they can give you advice as to what you need to file. You will be surprised at what you can accomplish without a lawyer. My husband got his child support significantly reduced after his son turned 18, and his ex was so furious, she was screaming at the court clerk!

I would have your husband talk to his ex first, and try to work something out. If that doesn't work, tell him to sit down a the computer, and start researching what he needs to do. It may take some work, but it's worth it! I wish we'd known about it YEARS earlier. It would have saved us thousands of dollars we just gave away. We have both always worked, and his ex made so much money from us, she only worked occasionally, and part-time, and went on expensive international vacations that we couldn't afford. I wish you luck.

Amber - posted on 04/30/2012

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Thank- you, we did do a consult in our very small rural town here of about 5,000. people., and he is an elderly gentleman who said she was in contempt and thought we had a good case if we wanted to to take it to court, but it would cost a little money. ( of course). He wasn't very helpful, went to the other lawyer in town and she couldn't help us because she works for the DHS in our town. Nice huh? Next closest attorney's are in towns 45- 50 miles away. We live in Oklahoma and I will for sure do some digging on how he might be able to file some stuff at the courthouse for free. She really upset my mother in law over the weekend because she wanted to take him to the movies and the bio mother said she would "ask him if he wanted to go", this was at 10 am, the movie started at 2pm and bio mother texted at 2:30 and said "he said no" . I think my mother in law has had enough and is going to file for grandparents rights ( I hope), this may really get the ball rolling as an "in" for us. Crossing my fingers!!! I appreciate all and any suggestions every mom here has given. Thank-you so much. I am still open to suggestions and if anyone knows Oklahoma law or can further help me---- THANKS!!!

[deleted account]

Yeah, child support and visitation are two separate issues and unfortunately the only part Human Services has control over (and probably cares about) is getting child support. But if there is a visitation order in place from the beginning of all of it, she is in contempt of court and your husband could actually call local law enforcement and ask them to escort him to her home for scheduled visitations, court order in hand. If there's no visitation order in place, he can go to court to get one without having a lawyer, he just needs to figure out where and how to file for it. Whether it's getting in contact directly with the State's Attorney, or calling the courthouse and just asking where to direct questions concerning a family law case, I'm not really sure. But if he doesn't even know where to start, a good idea is to have your husband start calling around to law firms in your town to see if they offer a free consultation. My husband has to go back to court because his child support was miscaculated based on his yearly income the first time, and we knew we definitely could not afford a lawyer again either. We JUST finished paying off the last one, two years after the case went to court! But he got in touch with a different lawyer to sit down for a one time free consultation, and the lawyer explained to him how to go about it pro se (representing oneself, if you're not familiar with the legal term). He answered all of my husband's questions, told him exactly where to go in the courthouse and what papers to request, what to do with them, how to file, and explained how things are likely to go. 



My personal advice, I'd start by checking with the more high-profile law offices in your area. Not only do they probably have more experience on which to base any advice they give him, but the more successful offices can better afford to take time to give free consultations. This was the advice given to us anyway, and it did turn out to be one of the very high profile firms in our town that offered my husband the free consultation. And I'd also ask if they have anyone in their firm who specializes in father's rights. I know it's rough when dealing with a parent who puts their own bitterness and need for control over their child's best interest in having a good relationship with the other parent. :( Good luck to you guys!!

Medic - posted on 04/28/2012

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You can file contempt of court with the attorney generals office. That is who deals with the court orders.

Jodi - posted on 04/28/2012

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Is there not a way you can file a contempt of the order without an attorney? i only ask because here in Australia we can do that and a lawyer isn't required.

Amber - posted on 04/28/2012

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Thank you both for your advise, but we cannot afford an attorney at this point and time. We had to get an attorney 4 years ago to sort out tax issues of her claiming him when she wasn't supposed to causing us fed tax problems and a whole lot of problems there. It costs us over $3,000. to undo the damage in that situation. Plus the trouble with the IRS. An attorney fee would be worth the cost of seeing his child if we could afford it. We cannot even come up with a retainer fee for one right now though. Husband and I both wish we could do something... but just simply cannot afford one. She will not even speak to his family hardly, says boy is busy and call later, then he is in bed, etc. always an excuse. Then they get mad at Hubby for not doing something.. It's not our fault we cannot see him, the more we try, the more she defies and will not let visitation happen. The more spiteful she gets. It's heartbreaking to see and my Mom works at the school he goes to and sees how this woman works also.. Just a hate filled person . How do you deal with someone like this. How can we see his boy? Can't even talk on the phone with him. So sad to me. My kids father is deceased so this is very aggravating to me.

Amber - posted on 04/28/2012

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Hoe do you get the state to pick up the case? We have been to our local Dept of Human Services and their only interest is child support which is taken directly out of his paycheck, he has never, ever missed a payment, has no complaints about it, she takes him to child support court every year at the DHS and they don't care if he sees him, They say the are not their to determine that, only to determine child support and if it needs adjusted. He has complained to them every year to no avail. The bio Mom has even been arrested on hot checks and lost their house and had to move due to her antics. He has not even brought this up to her knowing she knows he knows (it's public record and recent, in the last month) and he still doesn't talk to her in a demeaning manner. He is always pleasant. Trust me.. he wants me to listen to see if I think he is being uncooperative or not nice. How do you get the state involved?

Medic - posted on 04/28/2012

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At this point the state should pick up the case because she is in contempt of court.

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